I was sitting there going over all our conversation for the day; I find my emotions and my fascination for this guy had heightened… and so is all my senses… and I have lied so much and create a this image of me, that is way off the truth and I’m hanging on a limb with no way back except letting go and ending it all…
but… instead I find myself holding on for dear life with the need of wanting some more of him… and consoling myself that I have the control… he gave me that choice.
we had share so much in the few hours we have talked and he again hit on the intimate subject…and because I didn’t trust my reaction and comments which could easily blow my cruel game of being naive and inexperience; I told him the unforgivable lie.. that I was a virgin… I thought this would deter him from bringing up the subject of sex… he was so understanding, but… only serve to peek his interest and make him more intrigued…with me…
I just couldn’t see the damage and wrong choices I was making… I was just blinded by my building desire to stay connected to him and enjoy his company a little more… and as I slowly read back all what we talked about… smiling and feeling pleased with the day and our conversations……
Don’t know what I did but, it seems I sent a wink to by accident, because at 10:15 I got a text from him, and I light up; I was so glad that he text me.
Nita … did you just wink at me? He asked.
I said, I don’t know, did I?
Hi beautiful!! What are doing? He asked.
If I did is it bad or good, I ask of him. ‘Watching a movie,’ I told him.
It’s good!’ he told me. ‘I can’t seem to get you off my mind. Been thinking about you since we stop texting it seems.
I smile…thinking, he is doing exactly what I have been doing…. the funniest thing is… I completely forget that it was not me he was visulizing.. ha-ha
I was thinking, wow he has been reading my mind.
So I told him, ‘same here, my imagination is going wild.
He laughed, ‘ha-ha,’ and said, ‘perfect! Mine too! We really connected. I haven’t chatted all day like that ever.’
Shaking my head… Me neither… never…
So I asked him, ‘have you finished with your work?
Yeah,’ he said, ‘I’m just lying in bed winding down… have an early day tomorrow. And then I have to fly to Tampa and Gainesville.’
I couldn’t even focus on my studying,’ I lied again.
Oh no!!! he exclaimed, ‘but I know the feelings[Symbol]
Well, I better let you get some sleep,’ I told him. Its ok, I will make it back up.
Same here,’ he said, ‘I sure hope you sleep well pretty girl. Goodnight sweetheart! Please don’t let your school work suffer, I am not going anywhere and we will have plenty more of us I think. I am excited for more.’
Oh my goodness….. he is echoing my every thoughts…I can’t even contain my own excitement… and I have this silly smile stuck on my face…
I asked him out of curiosity, ‘do you own your own plane? Then I told him, ‘me too very excited for more.
Yes.’ He answered, ‘it’s a small plane though… nothing great…. I can take you flying one day if you like.’
I would love to,’ I told him.
Then he compliment me, ‘you always make me smile! I love that we seem to be on the same exact page. It’s really nice… maybe I could pick you up and fly you to cedar key for lunch… that would be a great first date!… do you have a car? He asked of me.
Now I was getting quite nervous, that I begin to shake a little… omg he wants to meet me.. But I’m not Paige… oh sh…t! I’m way over my head with this… and his offer is so enticing and romantic and how I wish I could say yes. I don’t know what to say to him.
Oh my!! I exclaimed,’ I don’t own a car as yet…. Working on it, I told him.
He insisted, ‘could you borrow one to get to the airport so I could pick you up in the plane? It’s just a thought… we can always do this later if you like.
I was shaking so much because I was lying and playing this stupid game of deception; and I felt like if he knew he would disappear; I was scared of losing him after one day of texting; so incredible, my emotions was already in play, what’s happening here?
So I said. You should see this silly smile on my face; later is better,’ I told him.
I love it! Says he. ‘Later it is pretty girl! No hurry for sure.”
I try to explain my hesitancy, ‘I’m a little afraid to see you.
I understand and until you are ready there is no pressure ok? He reassured me. ‘I am not going anywhere baby.’
Am afraid of embarrassing myself.’ I told him.
How would you do that? He asked. ‘that’s silly, just be you, I’m super open and can be totally go with the flow; I’m really easy to talk to… you’ll see.’ He kept encouraging me.
Being so naïve,’ I told him.
Wendy… I promise you just have to relax, I will be very easy to talk to.’ He tried to assure me again.
That’s what you say,’ I tried to argue, ‘but texting is a lot easier than person to person.’
And naïve is sweet and something you should be proud of. And something I will never take for granted or advantage of.. I will respect you more than that ok? He told me.
I counter with, ‘I need more exposure, right?
and I kept on going… going…going… playing this game ,thinking I have to explain my silly behavior… without realizing exactly how dumb and foolish I am… and that I am only making it worse…
He is still trying to assure me, ‘I know you will be nervous. I understand. But I will help you relax by keeping things easy and simple till you settle in and get comfortable chatting in person. Ok?
And with all that I still counteract him. “I need to get out more” I stated.
And he is so funny with his answer, no; you probably don’t need more, just the right kind. More isn’t always better baby.
And I’m thinking; how does he have all the right words for everything; he just keeps on amazing me and keeps me intrigue. I like him and his intellectual mind. WOW!
Makes me more confident probably, I said,
I think he gave up trying to let me understand; he says, maybe, either way I understand you position and will embrace it; you won’t feel out of place with me.
I realize, I was trying way too hard to be convincing and that I was not doing such a good job….
I gave up too, then, so I told him, ‘I will think about it and work up the nerves.’
Ok pretty girl, he said, your pace Nita …always baby.’
It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s me,’ I told him.
Then he assure me again, there will be no pressure from me, I want our experience to be an amazing one; not nerve-wracking, ya know.’
So I told him, ‘you are so understanding, thank you, I feel relaxed already.’
Perfect! He exclaimed. ‘I will always pay attention to how you feel I promise. I will always try to make you feel comfortable. Remember I’m a pleaser! I love to make people happy. Not freaked out by any means.
Again I ignored what he was saying; I could not keep up with him; so I say to him, ‘anyways you better get to sleep, don’t forget you have a big day tomorrow.’
Yeah,’ he said, ‘I’m going to listen to the TV and my mind wander.’
I’m sure I will have dreams of us! He said, that’s a given.’
Only you,’ I claimed. ‘So will I; sweet dreams lover. Until…. Nita.’
Sweet dreams pretty girl!! And he was gone for the night.
I was left with my confusion and emotional turmoil. I really do like him and wish I never start with this deceiving act. How do I retract? If I do I’m gonna lose him for good; and he would never like the likes of me. OMG I ‘m in trouble again. But I can’t continue with this farce.
He s so real and so sweet, a great conversationalist; so intelligent and poetic; charming, romantic and has sexual appeal; imaginative and intriguing; witty and humorous; oh my goodness!!! He is one of a kind. And I want more of him; much, much more of him; but how can I?
He has me all in a tizzy fit; I am so overly excited about our conversation and time spent. I do like this guy, I really do.
I could see that this conversation and connection was going in a direction I never anticipated or expected… but I still drift off to sleep with an excited smile and with no thoughts of letting him go or confessing my deceit… only one thought plays in my head… I can hardly wait for the next time with him.
I feel into a dream of us on that plane and me and him smiling enjoying each other…..
TO BE CONTINUED………..