ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7b

MY SWEET ALLEN

SERENDIPITY

I didn’t respond so he continued to talk …  I just didn’t know what I should say or how to react… he took me by surprise… and the craziest thing was… I actually beleived  him..

 

He said, I don’t know how this is happening I just know how I feel. If you don’t want to hear it I will never say it again.”

I told him, ‘I want to hear it, but didn’t quite expect it.”

I didn’t either. He told me. I’m just being honest.’

And I start to think, if he loves me, and we are feeling the same way all this time… it must mean that I might be in love with him too.

So I asked him, … but it was more of an acknowledgment…

“so what I’m feeling could be love too?”

“I have love many people for many reasons… to me this is love… I don’t need you to reciprocate… I just wanted to be open and honest”. He told me.

How do you know love different from anything else? I simply ask him.

I was wondering if this could be infatuation or lust instead. Because I could not explain the raging emotions and desires I was feeling. And to come to the realization I am in love with him was inconceivable.

And of course he has a plausible explanation, ….

“well when you wake up at 4 something and grab your phone to send a love letter… yeah. To me that’s love.’

That was the plain truth as I see it; because here we are both of us, up at this hour of the morning wanting nothing but to feel connected…

“Laughing” I said to him. ‘You are so right.’

I was laughing partly because I was happy that he loves me and partly because Ive got myself in quite a bind.  I win a love that I can’t cash in;

how did he fall for me? Was it because he like Paige pictures so much? Was he so fascinated with her? OMG! I can’t and not able to give him what he wants… Paige.

I was thinking ….the only reasons he is in love was because he fell in love with paige’s photos…and I know I couldn’t compete with that…

Then he went on trying to let me understand,… thinking behind these texts of mine.. is the image of paige’s face…

love can’t be defined to me… it’s something you feel but you can’t put in words… you know you need that person as close as much as possible.’

And I told him, ….

“and right now I can’t explain my feelings… and I sure need to be close to you.’

That’s perfect!’ he said we are totally on the same page baby.”

Seems like it to me.’ I said.

You will always set the pace baby…” he was saying, “I will follow your lead till you are completely invested. After that I will take the lead and romance you and love you huge… show you how big my heart is.”

 I was sad…perturbed and flipping out a little, I never once… thought or expected “LOVE”; but here it is …. And I can’t even claimed it because I am playing this silly game of deception, thinking it’s all for fun.

trying to buy some time with this most amazing guy. I never saw this coming… now I have to make the only choice there is… I have to let go of him…

but ….

my god…my god…my god…!!! I am going to lose him….  And I felt my tears flowing down my cheeks with the realization…

I was having an anxiety attack ..,

the thought became unbearable…. I stop responding…

So I told him, “Look, I am kinda lost for words.  A bit confused happy, nervous, unsure. You name it… I’m it.”

And I was, he just did not know the real reasons.

Then he said to me, ‘if I’m coming too strong Nita, please tell me and I will curb this… I don’t want to freak you out… I promise my intentions are good… I know you are confused… I can back off and be a friend if that’s what best for you. I promise.” 

I was very tempted to tell him right there and then;

I wanted you so bad… but…, I started to say.

There is that but… he stated. Ok here is the deal… I’m going to back way off… I’m sorry. He told me.

I could not muster up the but… he was giving me a way out of this dilemma and I was thinking this could be for the best…

But instead I ask, ‘

“how can you be able to be friends after all this?’

Well, we will try. He said. ‘I am sure we can be great friends!! I mean we seem to get along great!”

With his wanting to back out… I should have felt relief… but instead..

I start to feel panicky that he is going to turn and run…

as usual he could sense my hesitancy and doubts… he was right, he just did not know the real reason.

You just took me by surprise… that all.” I told him.

I understand,” he said.

Friends is good but I will always want more,” I confesses to him.

Then he says,” listen… Nita… just friends… we will chat once in a while; while you figure things out. Ok? I will be here.”

All I read all I  understood  was… he was ending us….I went a little berserk and my head start to spin and hands shaking and my heart beating wildly against my chest with fear that he is  going. I could hardly breathe; I had to, stop breathes slowly and tries to calm myself. I thought… my god… this is bad… how am I going to let him go if this is how I feel with the thought of him not there.

So I told him exactly what I was going through, “OMG!!! You are leaving me… there are tears in my eyes and my heart is pounding against my chest…. My hands are shaking.

He then tries to assure me, ‘no I will never do that!! I am trying to give you room to process…  I will be here waiting for you. I want more Nita…I know you are all messed up. I’m going to be a gentleman…  I foolishly admitted that I’m falling in love and scared you… but Nita… it’s real…And so if and when you are ready I’m here. I want so much more…

His words give me some assurance and calm my anxiety… I was over reacting with my insecurities… I was so afraid of losing our connection that I failed to use this opportunity to save myself from revealing this deception…

I was a bit calmer by now… so I asked him, “okay if this is what you want…. Are you really, really sure?

Maybe I’m too sleepy… Idk…I’m sorry if I’ve sent mixed signals’… he was sounding confused himself, “I’m just so into you… and it’s been forever since I’ve felt anything even remotely like this. I feel like every night you tell me you are confused and uncertain… so I feel I should give you an out… if you come back … be ready!

That was my queue; I should have taken that way out; but as usual I have to be selfish; I could not deal with the thought of him gone even though that was the only choice I had;. So I had to string this most thoughtful and understanding man along with my false pretenses. I just didn’t know how to stop, how to walk away…  I couldn’t think very clearly right then.

So me, with my pathetic self instead of taking his offer out, I try to hang on; leading him on a little longer knowing  damn well I have nothing to contribute to this relationship;

So I told him, ‘I looked forward so much to talk to you. I get excited for more of you; you have become an addicting habit.

 Yeah, I totally get it!! He said. Look at me! Look at us! It’s five.”

Don’t know what I was thinking I could offer him; but I ask him, ‘and what do you want me to do? What would be the next step?

“I want you to always do what you feel best for you, Nita”. He told me.

“My excitement now becomes fear… fear of losing you”.

I let him know.

“And it doesn’t feel so good.

I actually was very afraid of losing him even though it was the inevitable thing.

And he makes it worse by telling me,

“I want you to let us go… or promise to take the next step at some point… in the next month or two at least… but please don’t be afraid of anything…  I’m here baby.”

And I asked with my heart as heavy as lead, ‘you want me to let us go?”

This was the last thing I wanted to do..I started to cry with the thought of letting go…

I know I could not promise him anything and I know I have to let him go for all the reasons he doesn’t know about; if only I could be Paige…{ oh what tangled web we weave.}

“I will not push… I promise… I just want to set a realistic expectation… for both of us… that is fair right? He asked of me.

It is… it is… I agreed.

“Ok then,’ he said. Sleep on it baby… no pressure… ever… you know where my heart is…”

He was trying to reassure me that all he wants is the best for us; and all I’m seeing and hearing is goodbye, simply because I know there is no way I can ever have him or his love. And I was dying inside; because right now, more than anything… that was all I wanted… him.

It sounds like goodbye to me.” I told him.

Again he reassured me, ‘it’s not though… I promise.”

How will know this? I asked.

Read it all back tomorrow… he asked of me, ‘it’s just me being courteous and giving you an out.  Because I know you are scared and confused… and I never want to take advantage of that… so I’m trying to help.’

I convinced myself that this was it… so I said to him, ‘in a blaze glory… I found you, and I’m losing you the same way.’

 I guess he was getting annoyed with my reservation and negativity;

that lead him to say, ‘I have made my feelings clear… and I will tell you again… I want more! More anything Wakanita! And anything Wakanita.”

I realize this so I switch and try to blame it on my so-called young age; “I guess this is where my immaturity fails me.”

He then went back to be reassuring, “pretty girl…Please understand. I’m not closing any doors… I’m allowing you to be in control… although I would love to take the helm and love you madly… I will let you decide our fate.

“I don’t know how to handle and take this,” I started to say, but I switch and say instead, “ok my Allen, I’m going you stay positive and believe in you…. I will do as you asked.

You see, he does not know the reason behind all my reservations; so he will never understand, and seeing I can’t allow myself to tell him; or build up the courage to walk away and let him go; I will just play this game until i find a way.

Please do! I am falling in love with you Nita. And I’m giving you complete control at the same time.” He said to me.

“Because I want more too.” I finish telling him.

“a rush of emotion just totally wash over me.” He informed me.

Then I said, “oh my! You love me… me.

Yes I love you!” he convinces me.

“I can’t believe that you do just by talking to me.” I told him

He then argues, “people are so scared to admit it because it hurts to lose it… f…k that… I’m willing to risk what it takes.”

Then I confess to him, “I think I may be in love with you too.”

And he went onto say, “define love… you can’t… you never will… it’s a moving target… I know we are falling in love and that isn’t a bad thing.”

Then I went back in role, ‘I am not too sure what it feels like… to be in love.” I told him. 

[Why do I do that? If I have nothing to say… then shush.]

You are baby…” it’s why we are so crazy.” He told me.

“Allen … is it possible? I ask of him.

It’s like defining a color… you can’t.” he was saying. “Yes” he answered me. “We are in love”… where it goes… it’s up to us.” 

But Wakanita … I love you for sure!” he stated with confident.

I sent him two smiley faces;] and give out. “You love me for sure…WOW!!!”

‘Perhaps you will break my heart. But I’m willing to put it out there… I’m ours to take or leave or ruin!’ he let me know.

And I thought… ruin… for sure.

And then I ask him, ‘and I wonder, will I fit in your world?

Then I started to think about his prestige life style and thinking I could never fit in his world anyways… So I started to question the possibility of us ever being together… so  strange how I allow myself to play this role…  and as usual.. he have all the right things to say to console me and to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about…

I should have cut off our conversations and do as he asked hours ago… he gave me the perfect alibi to get out of this dilemma that I built …

It’s not going to end well… because I don’t know when and where to get out..

 

TO BE CONTINUED….