SO I WOKE UP FEELING ALL DISTURBED AND PERTURBED; I WAS SMILING BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVES ME… BUT I WAS QUESTIONING IT… IS IT ME…? OR Paige?…. AND AGAIN THE THOUGHT OF LOSING HIM SCARE ME … AND MY ANXIETY ATTACK STARTED TO SURFACE AND THE TEARS THREATEN; MY STOMACH IS HAVING THIS BIG KNOT THAT I COULDN’T GET RID OF; HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM UP; I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I WANT HIM JUST AS MUCH BUT… ?????
I AGONIZE FOR A BIT. THEN SHAKE IT OFF AND DECIDED TO ENJOY THE FEELING OF BEING LOVED… UNTIL I FIND ME A WAY; OR FIND ME THE COURAGE TO CUT IT OFF; I AM GOING TO ENJOY THIS MOST EXHILARATING FEELING; WOW!!! THIS FEELS SO, SO DAMN GOOD!!
So I decided to write him letting him know exactly how he is affecting me and what he is doing to me; I will just for right now put all the negativity behind me, and focus just how good I’m feeling.
“Hey you…I wake with my heart full of so much joy and happiness…. Feel like any moment I’m gonna burst… YOU LOVE ME!!! I went over our chat a few times trying to absorbs it all… you want me to be in control of our fate but that that’s enormous pressure, I don’t have the slightest clue how to deal with it… you see… I have never felt like this before… ever. All I know is losing you is not an option. And it scares me.”
“I’m going to put faith in your love for me and know you will be there for me. I live and breathe your every word you have ever said to me. You want the best of me and I hope I can find the kind of love you feel for me. I will take some time thinking of you/us. Knowing you will be right here for me. I trust your love my Allen. LOVING YOU!!!”
I was thinking he is going to stop talking to me, because he is getting tired of waiting around for me to make a choice to move forward; and after reading back our conversation, the things he said about letting us go; and giving me an out; I was became fearful of him walking away. My fear of losing him was so intense; I know I am going to eventually but I was trying to hang on to him with dear life; selfishly of course… as long as I could… I did not hear from him and after a couple of hours I was feeling so impatient and keeping checking my phone for his response and just before I started to get ready for work I sent him a another text…
“I never checked my phone as often as I have today… with so much anticipation and anxiety for a text from you… I am very worried that I have lost you for good. And it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Allen… please put back a smile on my face.”
His response came when I was on my way to work, “smile beautiful!!! I’m right here, hanging off your every word pretty girl. I promise I’m going nowhere! I hope you are having a great day so far. And I hope your dreams were as nice as mine.”
I did not respond to him, but I was very happy to say the least; just that little text put in a very happy place, and was happy to know that he is so reassuring… well I was smiling most of the night at work but I was thinking again about finding a way out of this; when in reality I did not want it to end; my mood changes and I became all teary again not wanting it to end , but knowing I can’t do this to “MY SWEET, SWEET ALLEN” my mind was so confused and at war with my decision. I was all way down in the dumps when he sent me a text…
“Ok so I just wanted you to be able to check your phone and see a text from me; so I’m checking in just to let you know that for the life of me, I can’t stop thinking about you… About us… and how I feel about you… I couldn’t be happier to feel so excited for more; hope you are having a great night so far baby. Smile pretty girl, you are on my mind as always.”
He couldn’t have chosen a more opportune time to send me that; it put the smile right back on my face. And my heart leaps with so much love for him; I completely put away everything else I was thinking about and bask in the glory of his love.
It was now December 22nd ; As soon as I went home I sent him a text…
“My Allen… I’m a little early tonight. I know you probably sleeping for work tomorrow. But I just want to say thank you for that text, it was as if you were reading my mind and sensing my emotions. It came at the right time when I was a bit down….how did you know that? You are right when you say we are in tune. You put that smile back on my face and I know it’s definitely; absolutely; positively must be LOVE; you were all I could think of today… and I am thinking I promise… I know the ultimatum…”
I then went on to tell him about my dream; “I did not sleep much today… I couldn’t. You give me lot to think about I dozed off and dream I went to this air field to meet you and when you saw me you turn back went in your plane and fly away left me speechless and standing there crying; maybe it was why I wake up doubtful; but you give me the assurance need… thank you for you.”
He did not know my dream was so real because it was actually me (the real me) he saw and he did not like that it was, because he had expected Paige. And that was why he had turned away.
He answered me and said, “Wendy I will never turn away! If you ever go to meet me we will have a great day I promise. You’ll see. The last thing you will do that day is cry. I’m absolutely certain. I woke up and check my phone … what a nice surprise to see your text baby. I’m glad I made you smile when you were troubled baby. That’s perfect and that’s how it should be. And I totally agree its love for certain. I hope you have had a good day .I sure hope you get some rest tonight baby… I will leave you alone to sleep.
“I hope you have the sweetest dream ever and wake up nice and relaxed.” Then he said the sweetest words to my ears… “Oh and Wendy… I love you baby… night beautiful girl.”
I wanted to talk, but I know he had work in the morning so all I said to him was “and Allen I do love you too… night my love, sweet dreams.
So I was left with thinking of my dilemma, trying to push it aside and just enjoy this rush of emotional joy and sweet sensation that I’m feeling; all I know and feel is how much I love him and how much he love me… yes me… I drifted off to sleep to a most pleasant dream of us.
TO BE CONTINUED……