ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10

So I agonized and went through my anguish all morning and yes I had all kind of solution to my dilemma; all but the one I wanted; to hold on to him, to keep him… how very badly I wanted to… how very badly…. But I know that wasn’t an option. Anyways I was not planning on telling him today. I couldn’t… I still did not have the nerves; and I did not want to ruin his Christmas… what did he says… “What a perfect Christmas gift… us”. So I will wait… yes I will wait…

It was christmas eve..  it’s going to be a very busy day for everyone… especially at work..

So just before I get ready to go to work, I sent him a text…

“Hey you, how’s day going? I’m about to get ready for work. I woke up a bit late and had to some prepping for tomorrow. I know you might be busy today and tomorrow, so I’m not going to be expecting to hear from you. I will try when I come home tonight but with no expectations. I will be thinking of you until… LOVING YOU MUCH… Nita.

He must have been waiting all day for my text; of course… he is in love… just like I am… and so I immediately receive an answer….

“Happy Christmas eve beautiful!!!! I love you Wakanita!

Music to my ears and my heart did a somersault with love for him; and tears came to my eyes through the smile I had… oh my god!! I have to give all this up.

“I hope you have a great day at work and get to relax a little today; I will be thinking of you as always baby.” He was telling me. Smile baby… it’s the most beautiful smile ever and I’m certain it’s contagious!!

I could sense his desire to talk to me and connect; because more than anything, all I wanted was just to feel him close but I know my frame of mind was off and was afraid I may say the wrong things … knowing me… and he always can sense my mood and hesitancy and my doubts; and I did not want to go there today.

So I all I say to him was, “you are too sweet and I’ll be always smiling because I’ll forever thinking of you and as you know you are the one that put this smile on my face.” {No lie}

Perfect! And now I’m smiling pretty girl.”

I left it at that… I told myself I am going to shake this feeling and mood I’m in. I went to work thinking only of him with mixed emotions; Happy and sad.

It was an awful busy day at work…. there was a constant line with everyone doing their last-minute christmas shopping… didn’t even have time for a break.. but with all my preoccupation.. my mind still wanders off to “MY SWEET ALLEN”. I had to fight to say focus at times…

About 10:30 that night, my phone went off and keep going off for a few minutes, it was rather very busy so I could not sneak peek and get a look immediately; but I did, and saw he really did send a bunch of photos to my amazement. I did not quite expected so much; I was quite delighted and could not wait to really look at them. I was all smiles thinking he is so crazy and how very much I love this crazy ass of a guy. I was not thinking of anything else other than the fact…how very much I love him and how very wonderful he is and how fortunate for me to have him loving me. I was living in my fantasy world. So I waited very impatiently for the night to be over so I could focus on my Christmas gifts.

As soon as the door was closed… I retrieved my phone and eagerly read his text and take in all the pictures he sent..

“Here comes your Christmas present… before I go to sleep… I will be dreaming of us baby… I promise… he told me. “Pictures I found… I don’t have a lot of me… and you can ask questions if you like about the pictures I’m sending… up to you.” He told me. … Follows by about 30 pictures…

He sent pictures of him frolicking on the beach; with group of girls: him on a rock; in the plane; his bike; his dog; shows me his gun; even one holding a snake; on a mountain top; riding a horse; with his buddies in a bar; with a guy and with a very pretty girl with a most beautiful smile; him playing the guitar; his house; him putting up lights; and more…. And I could actually tell what kind of life he led, and I could visualize his life as it is. And he ends it with…

“Merry Christmas pretty girl!!!

I hurriedly finished up for the night and headed home. when I got settled , I again went over his text and photos.

And as much as I love and enjoy those photos to the max; it makes me realize just how special he really is and just how much he was in love with the girl I was supposed to be, for him to send me his life story without fear of me seeing and learning about him, it had me feeling like the biggest jerk and the worst kind of person there is… and it only convinced me more that I have to come clean with him; he is just too much of a nice guy to lead him on like this and give him the impression that I am for real. I am … but… I was not the girl in those deceiving pictures… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!…. How am going to do this; My head was spinning, and heart was thudding loudly against my chest, my throat became tighten and  restricted with a big lump there, the tears begins to flow and I felt like I’m going to pass out with fear… fear of losing him. I had to talk myself out of it and try to calm myself.

Anyways I ‘m still not going to tell him just yet… I just could not bring myself to… I did not even know how to approach the subject. So I decided to wish him merry Christmas and thank him for my most beautiful and best Christmas present ever….

“MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU MY Allen!! LIFE GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS: IT GIVES ME YOU!! (Taken from a card)

“SOME GIFTS YOU HOLD IN YOUR HANDS; SOME YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEARTS; so grateful for the blessing of you; ‘My Sweet AllEN ‘and I hold you my heart.”

“Well well well: thank you for all those photo shots of you, I told him. ‘I like that you send a variety of different things, like them all except the one with the snake; I’m deadly afraid of snakes.; pretty doggy; I particularly like the one that you are lying on a rock; you are really a gorgeous guy… through my eyes anyways… and you do horseback riding… Mmmm. You are really outdoor guy aren’t you? Which mountain top were you on.

“Anyways Allen let me go get some sleep to wake up early to get cooking. We will talk later and thank you for my Christmas gifts I enjoyed looking at them and learning about you. Seeing you doing different things allow me to be able to see how your life is. And you seem to be an outgoing guy and someone who enjoys having fun. You are always pleasant and smiling; I like that about you. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SWEET ALLEN!”

And I went to sleep, still a bit disturbed but thinking it is the best not to talk to him tonight; not with how I’m feeling right now.

i woke up early smiling… It was Christmas day… and even though I went to sleep a little apprehensive.. i did have a rather pleasant dream about allen.

He did not respond to me until Christmas morning about 9:43am.

“Merry Christmas beautiful lover.” he said. “I hope your day is off to a perfect start. I wish more than anything that I could give you a Christmas kiss! Have a great day pretty girl!”

Of course I saw it, from the minute he sent it, and I read it and visualizes that kiss from him; but I did not respond right away; I was still thinking about cutting him off and I just did not want to; and I was afraid anything I say to him right now might reflect my thoughts; I want us to enjoy this Christmas with hearts full of love for each other. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and I want to savor every bit of it.

I was full of excitement with this profound joy just thinking of him. I was bubbly on the inside and I pushed aside the thought of ending us for now. I was cooking and just loving him with everything I got. I was telling Meg, my daughter-in –law about him and about the predicament I was in and just how much emotions and desire I have for him. She try to advice me and encourages me that he might like me after all, seeing I am a pretty woman and I am a really nice person, {she might be a bit biased] and actually in reality it was me he fell in love with and not Paige.

She might be making some sense, but I did not believe any of it. I could not be convinced that he could love me… me… I could not see it. I was talking to her and realize I really have to end us… and I start to cry that I had to excuse myself and go and calm down. He was the height of my conversation all day; he was the only thing I could focus on. One minute I loved him; the next minute I was letting him go. I was on a roller coaster most of the day.

After I finished cooking, I took some time away from everybody and try to connect with him. I yearn so much for him; I need to feel him; I need to feel his love for me; I’m not going to break it off today, so let me just enjoy him as long and as much as I can.

So I answered his text, “”Merry Christmas my love! How’s your day going? I would have loved that Christmas kiss. … I’m here wanting more than anything just to reach out to you and connect. Seems I just can’t get enough of you. I’m always left with wanting more… I’m like insatiable… is this normal? I asked.

“I love that you feel this way baby!” He said to me. “It makes me feel so good inside knowing our love and desire is mutual!! I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. One day you will get that kiss Nita!! And I can’t wait to feel your beautiful lips touch mine… I will have stomach full of butterflies I’m sure. I’m having a nice day so far and I hope you are too pretty girl!! Only one thing could make this better… having you in my arms.”

I’m reading and tears came to my eyes. His feelings are so strong and sincere… and I’m so rotten…

“I’m getting to ready to visit my mom and have dinner in a little while. He told me. “I hope your beautiful face has been lit up with tons of smiles today sweet girl.”

And I told him, “As I said before… you echo my every thought. In your arms is where I would love to be… my day is going ok… we are getting ready to have dinner ourselves; and yes, I’m smiling tons. Guess we will talk later my sweet Allen … enjoy your dinner with your family.”

And he replied, “One day we will wake up in the same bed Christmas morning and make love before I give you your gifts. That was the dream I had last night… It was really a nice dream. You were super happy and we made beautiful love. What a present that would be! Talk a little later love… please have a great afternoon beautiful.”

‘What a present that would be, indeed”. I agreed. “You too.”

Oh and Nita… merry Christmas! I love you! He said to me. [And I could feel his love. It was so intense. Just like mine.]

“Merry Christmas Allen… I love you too!” I let him know.

“Perfect!!!! He exclaimed.”I’m smiling huge.” [And so was I]

So I join everybody and have dinner; dinner was excellent, everything came out perfectly; that was the first, most times at least one dish would mess up. But not today, everything I cooked was perfect. We all enjoyed my meal and we had a good little kick back family time; and I was the happiest of them all; because I was basking in the glory of Allen’s love. And I could hardly wait for the time to go so I could relax and connect with him again. As I told him, I couldn’t get enough of him; I was always left wanting more and more. I was insatiable. I don’t know how I’m going to do this; all I know is that I love him, and that was all I need to know; right now, right here. Nothing else matters.

My emotions were in turmoil; they were bouncing up and down. I was so confused. But I told myself for tonight I will let it go for now… I did not want to ruin a perfect Christmas.

After everybody left; I sit down for some quiet time and I was thinking; how did we get to this point? When did we start to fall in love? So I scroll back to some of our earlier conversations to see if I could figure it out.

At about 8:00pm I thought I would try to see if he is available to talk.

So I said to him, “hey you am I going to get lucky tonight with some conversation, or did you eat so much that you have’ niggarities’ J [after you eat you go to sleep] or maybe you are having too much fun with the family? I know we do when we get together. Hope to get lucky because I’m missing something awful.”

And then I thought I would tell him about my going back to figure out how we fell in love. (I just knew I would say and do something to reflect my doubts.)

“you know I was here going over our conversation from the very beginning to figure out how we get to where we are now from where we started.; how our emotions got so strong and intense from just texting… I know… I do have a bad habit of trying to analyze everything… but sometimes I’m amazed at my feelings wondering if what I feel for you is real. I know… I just need to go with the flow and enjoy the ride/flight. Right?”

AFTER I SENT IT … I THEN REALIZES THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.. IT OOZES DOUBTS  AND SCREAMS INSECURITIES..  AND I FELT A VERY SINKING FEELING..

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…

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10 thoughts on “ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10

  1. You didn’t really want him because you weren’t sure if he was Mr. Right. A friend of mine proposed to his girlfriend of 10 years. She said, “but what if someone better comes along?” Surprisingly they are still together. Sometimes it’s hard to pick a road at the fork.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aaaah my friend.. if only it was that simple..

    The choices we made sometimes..
    Only come back and bite you in the ass..

    I never in a million years.. thought that I would be surprised 😳 by love ❤️..
    it was only supposed to be some conversations for a little fun..
    never never expected or anticipated my feelings to get so trapped in such a powerful emotional affair and connection..

    I got him loving me.. but I could claim the love ❤️ I won..

    Like

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