ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11b

He was gone again and I don’t think he will be back… come tomorrow after a good night sleep maybe I will try to talk to him again. I messed up… yes I made a real  mess real badly and ruin a  most perfect Christmas. How did this happen….how could I have known that I would be surprised by LOVE…all I know is that  I do love him so… so very, very much.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I LAY THERE SOBBING AND WEEPING FOR MY GREAT LOSS; IT FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS PULL OUT AND STOMP ON; I WAS SO BROKEN UP WITH PAINS OF SORROW; I HAVE LOST HIM… MY WORST FEAR HAS COME TRUE….I WENT THROUGH THE LAST TWO WEEKS FEARING THIS DAY, NOT WANTING IT TO HAPPEN; TRYING TO HOLD ON TO HIM FOR AS LONG AS I COULD, THINKING OF ONLY MY DESIRES, NOT WORRIED ABOUT HIS FEELINGS; AND NOW THAT IT HAS COME TO PASS; I NOT ONLY FEEL PAIN FOR ME BUT FEELS IT WORST FOR HIM BECAUSE HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS DECEIVING HIM; AND JUST LIKE I FELL FOR HIM HARD HE FELL FOR ME JUST AS HARD. HE BELIEVES IN ME/Paige; HE TRUSTED ME WITH HIS HEART AND I RUIN IT. [and I cry some more, for being a such selfish and contempt person}

We were experiencing everything together; the only difference is… I knew it was all a lie and he did not. And I agonized in anguish; feeling bad for losing him and worst for hurting my ‘MY SWEET ADORABLE WONDERFUL Allen’.

Then surprisingly I got a text from him; I could not believe it; so like me, he could not sleep; we were really two hearts in harmony, feeling and thinking the same things. There he goes echoing my thoughts again.

“Well… good night, I’m sorry, I’m a mess… but this is so weird, knowing everything was a lie…I’m trying to feel the love I felt… and no judge… but man… you played me hard and I fell hard… so I love the idea of you but I don’t know we can ever happen… I think… Idk… it’s so weird… I’m still in love… but I’m mad…not like I’d hurt you mad… that’s not my style… just mad… not sure what to do.”

I read it and I cried… I cried for him because I could sense his pain he was experiencing.

“I totally understand… I said to him. “Wish I knew how to make it right…and I’m hurting like mad, can’t stop the tears and I know you are too.”

“Yes…” he agreed. This sucks.

“So so sorry Allen.” I told him.

‘Deception is so painful… I have no idea.” He said.

“But I wanted to tell you. That’s why I did.” I confess.

“Just so you know… everything I shared was true and real.” He wanted me to know.

“I know” he told me [about wanting to tell him] “and thank you.”

I told him I know that everything he shared was true and real. {That was the reason I had to come clean}

I’m easy to see I guess,” he said, “please take her off… I feel so gross.”

“Sorry to hurt you like that,” I let him know. “You are such a sweet man.”

“You used her,” he told me.

“I can see that, guess I did.” I totally agreed.

“Please give me you… I want to feel even a piece.” He asks of me.

I want to give him all of me, but I was so sure that he was not going to like me in no way possible.

“In what form,” I ask.

Funny part is,” he was telling me, “in the beginning if you used that old picture of you… that would have worked better; then he said, “ I guess you think every man with a hard cock wants a young girl… Idk what others think… but I promise that isn’t the case here. I want passion… heart… love…”

And I guess he was right to a point, I did think he was attracted to Paige because she is young and beautiful; While on the hand there is me… the very opposite. And of course which man can resist a pretty girl.

So I told him, “I only got tango to be able to talk with my grandson; I was not trying to find a date… everything I told you was the truth.

I was trying to explain to him that I would not have thought to put an attractive photo of me because I had no intentions of finding my soul mate. He may not believe but I did not even know it was a social media; I thought I was like Skype.

So he asked me, “So you love me? Because I fell in love with you.”

I think, OMG!! And I can’t give him what he wants.

I told him “yeah!! With everything I got.”

“What a mess… I’ve never been here,” he said trying to come with terms with it.” I know how I feel… I know how blue you feel.” What now?

I am  so glad you fell in love with me.” I told him.  “That is why I want to be sure it was me.”

And he asks me again, “you won’t even send me a dirty picture?”

Idk… I told him. “But you never know, I might. But not tonight.

I guess he getting angry again because he said,” you are so clean… you can lie and betray me… but a picture of your pussy is out of the question… sounds funny right? But baby a picture of your pussy can be my choosing.”

Come on…” I say.

“I can tell you how to pose or what to do and know you are being honest. He tells me. “If you want to earn my trust that is your only chance.”

So I told him, “I have done it in the past with bad consequences.”

“Too bad.” He said.

“Don’t be mean Allen it doesn’t suit you,” I told him.

“This is your last chance before I delete and block you…” he threatened.

“Oh my goodness!!!! I exclaimed.

I really did not want him to do that, but… I was not going to give any dirty pictures and if it meant him deleting or blocking me… then so be it.

“I will not use anything and I am not mean…” he informs me. So far that’s all on you. You’d know already if I was an asshole… am I? He asked.

“Why is this picture so important to you?” I ask him.” No, no you are not an asshole.” I told him. {Of course he not, he never was. until now.. and somehow, I can understand  his behavior.. he is just hurt and confused and in love and being played a fool by me.)

“Because it’s personal!!!” he answered me. “You have one chance to get personal; take it or leave it.”

I’m leaving it… I thought.

“But it’s on line…” I told him.

“Broken heart and all… I’m hurt… but I’m not an asshole… will I make you prove shit? Yup… if you don’t want to. It’s real easy… delete … me…” he threatens me again.

Here he was all trying to act mean and nasty to me; but I was not buying it in the least. In the  weeks I have known him, if there is one thing I have learnt about him is that he is the kindest man alive. I saw through him like a looking glass. He is only hurting right now all because o me.

“OMG!!!” I shouted out. “You are different.”

“I have no idea why we are still talking”. He told me.

Quite frankly I don’t either. I’m glad that we are because I really calm down and it is due to the fact, because he was talking to me. And the more he talks the more my emotions got under control. Just having him there with me was so calming and was glad he choose to stay with me, I hope he realize just what it means to me for having him talking to me even though I know he was trying to figure out why I did what I did to him.

I was so drawn to him and was so fascinated with him that the more time I spent with him the more I want of him. And yes I choose to hang on to him with false pretense and trickery very selfishly and end up hurting us both. Would I do it again? Yes. Yes, to feel what I have felt and have him loving me with that intense passion, so blazingly hot; yes I definitely would, only next time I would not use trickery. Then maybe, instead of going through this predicament, I would be wrapped up in his sweet loving arms making passionate and explosive love and just enjoying him to the fullest. WOW!!! Only in my dreams.

“I fell in love.” He said. “With nothing real. Yes this me angry… I don’t hate… it just hurts.

“I am real.” I told him.

I know you are.” He said. “I felt you.”

“And you don’t like me… right now? I ask.

It’s not that,” he says. “I’m totally confused, I fell in love with you… but you played me… tricked me. I am really romantic or I was.”

“If you love me, don’t push me away, I asked of him. “I’m sorry, so very sorry, you were the best.” I told him.

Then he told me, “I forgive you Wendy, I really do.”

Thank you for that.” I told him.

I just have to adjust, and let us happen.” He said to me. “But Idk if I can trust you… Idk … things are a mess. I know I fell in love with someone.”

So I told him, “you see you are that sweet man…trusting me will take time I guess… but I didn’t deceive you intentionally.”

“I forgive you Wendy,” he said. “I have to sleep on this.

I wanted him to understand why I deceive him, so I told him, “it was the way you ask if I was that black girl… let’s… [Sleep on it.]Please don’t block me just yet?

Then he said the most wonderful thing, “merry Christmas baby… to the beautiful girl I fell in love with…

“ok, so I asked that for a reason! I won’t.” [Blocking me.]

I like that!!” I let him know. “Me beautiful.”

And for the first time I knew he meant me when he called me beautiful. And I smile.

“I am in love… I will see it through.” He told me.

“Oh you are so wonderful.” I complimented him.

“Maybe I fucked up bad… either way I will see it through. He informs me. I’m upset that you deceive me… but that does not negate my feelings. I am in love for a reason.”

All of a sudden I was feeling happy that I confess to him; he makes me think he is willing to redirect the love he feels to me. And It give me hope that maybe; just maybe I do have a chance with him. And I want it… so far all night this is first time I felt positive and was willing to give me a chance.

So I told him, “Now I’m glad I told you. I was very worried that it would end us. Yes you are.”

So we play the game for a bit and see how things shake out…. Right? He said.” either way love can’t be blind.”

I was getting a bit enthusiastic about us and I started to smile in anticipation of an us.

I’m with you lover,” I told him enthusiastically. “I feel so good…I’m now sure it’s me and not that picture.”

“And so we love… and sort shit out… that’s how I’m going to sleep tonight… I won’t judge… I will let time do that.” He told me.

“Sounds good to me my sweet Allen.” I told him. “You must be the greatest guy alive.”

I was so thrilled that he was thinking about us positively and he wants to try with me. I was quite happy for the hope he puts in my heart and for the assurance of his love; and again, I was amazed by him.

“Wendy… the picture gives me a visual… now a horrible one… it’s up to you to create a new visual”. He told me. “That’s why I started so perverted… please take all those images and replace them? I don’t to see her anymore… I want to see the woman I fell in love with.

I don’t have one with just me that was why I use the one with her.” I told him. I take awful pictures. Not too photogenic… but I’m going to work on some for you.”

Then I told him, “Oh my… you must be the best guy ever to love me.”

So I went searching in my album, trying to find a picture of me that look half decent to send to him. So I found that I was smiling and two of me with Barbara, Gail and Ayden. I sent them and comment, “That’s me… I know… with crazy ass sisters.

He did not respond so I thought he went to sleep and thought let me get some sleep too. I was a little exhausted emotionally, but right now I was feeling at ease knowing that “MY SWEET Allen’ was loving me… Wendy Wakanita… I was pleased and very calm, and that was good for me.

I was really happy he stayed with me and give me the chance to calm my emotions ; I do believe we are truly in love and all this exhilarating and jubilant emotions are all real, not only for me but for him too. Yes, yes we are definitely, absolutely and crazy in love. So we will allow time to be the judge of our outcome.

After what I did… I am only grateful that he still takes the time to talk and stayed with me this long. Does he know how very special that makes him? –

I turn off the light and smile; I was smiling this time instead of crying; and I hope comes tomorrow he will still feel the same; I wanted for him so much to love me, because I love him so very much… and I hope he stays and let us work it out… we are in love for a reason. [isn’t that what he said?]

And I drifted off to sleep smiling and with great hope… and for the first time at ease knowing he recognized me as me .. and his words kept playing in my head… and I said a little prayer.. ” DEAR GOD.. MAKE HIM LOVE ME… ME!!!

*****************************************************************************

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

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23 thoughts on “ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11b

  1. Love your story Nita. Thanks again for sharing. Your stories usually remind me of something that’s happened to me. I remember a girlfriend back (way back) in h.s. I treated her like a princess but didn’t get that back. Then her girlfriend told me I would do better if I treated my girl poorly, like shit. So I did. And guess what? She treated me a hell of a lot better. But this only went on for a few weeks. I couldn’t keep the fakeness up….then I joined the Navy.The rest, as they say, is history.

    Liked by 1 person

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