ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; epilogue

  HOW DO I STOP LOVING YOU.

I AM TRYING SO HARD TO FORGET YOU
AND THE TIME WE HAD, BEHIND

AND THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I FEEL
THE DAY HAS COME; I HAVE CHASED
YOU FROM MY MIND

BUT I’M AFRAID THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMETHING; THAT SET ME BACK
AND LET ME SEE;YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A
MEMORY IN THE PAST
YOU ARE STILL A PART OF ME

SO  HOW DO I STOP LOVING YOU
FORGET THINGS WE USED TO DO

FORGET ALL THE DREAMS THAT WE SHARED
AND HOW MY LIFE WAS KNOWING YOU CARED

WHY DO I END UP WHERE I START
EACH TIME I TRY; JUST TELL ME
HOW I CAN FORGET; SO I CAN SAY GOODBYE.

I’M TIRED OF ALL THE LONELY NIGHTS
AND ALL THE MANY TIMES I’VE CRIED;
I’M TIRED OF WONDERING WHAT I MIGHT
HAVE DONE TO KEEP YOU BY MY SIDE

AND REACHING OUT TO YOU I START
REMEMBERING YOU ARE GONE.

AND THOUGH I KNOW WE COULD NEVER BE
THE PAIN IN ME GOES ON

SO HOW DO I STOP LOVING YOU
FORGET THE THINGS WE USED TO DO

WHY DO I END WHERE I START
EACH TIME I TRY

JUST TELL HOW I CAN FORGET
SO I CAN SAY GOODBYE

SO HOW DO I STOP LOVING YOU
PLEASE TELL ME WHY…
I FIND IT SO HARD TO FORGET
AND TO SAY GOODBYE…

***********************************************************************

After he hung up , I went to try to sleep with a smile knowing that he was willing to try to make it work with us .

I was about to doze off when  he r texted again…

” crazy ass sisters are great love the pictures…”

I got up smiling and answered him. ” good now you know what I look like.. by far, a big difference..”

He responded telling me that  I got it all wrong.. he didn’t fall in love with  a look.. that was my decision…

I agreed .

 we talked  for about three hours and in that time he brought up the sexual topic again and i did encourage it to a certain extent.. that I even disclose one of my deepest fantasy … but he got so weird and crazy that in the end I had to truthfully tell him if he is trying to discourage me from him , that it is working.. I was not liking this side  of him and I told him that . and i say..

” is this the real you.. or is this stemming from you anger with me….???”

I was feeling really disappointing with his attitude .

So I told him I would rather leave than take his behavior…

I couldn’t believe that I was so wrong about him… and then he pauses .. and I thought he finally stopped .. but after a few minutes I got this text..

 

This is Brett… Allen been asleep for several

hours! But let me tell you something.. He is a good guy and you are a freak! He

may very well wan to fuck you… Clearly he hasn’t yet… And your fetish stuff

is crazy!!! If you hurt him I’m going to be pissed… Please be nice to him…

He may be a little lost at the moment but he’s a really good person. Good night

I was so shock and embarrassed for playing along with him… enclosing my secret.. I didn’t know what to say…so I just hung up…  I was a little relieved to know that it wasn’t him though..

It was morning by now and I couldn’t sleep again… I was a little disturbed and perturbed…anyways I sent him a text a few hours later..

: Boy did I get a dose of my own medicine from your

friend Bret this morning. I Made a complete ass of myself but I guess I deserve

it all . I even disclosed my most embarrassing fantasy; something I have never

told a living soul. I m still here nervous and shaking just texting this you

because now I’m not too sure if you really forgive or not or i If you think I

set out deliberately to deceive you and betray you…. I fail the test didn’t  I?

 Lesson  taken well… Again, my sweet ALLEN…. my love…

 

I am so so very very sorry for what I did, and wish with all my heart I could

undo it. Because if you even feel half as bad as I’m feeling right now I know

the pain you are going through . I m so sorry my sweet Allen you definitely did

not deserve this.

He answered almost immediately, with…

” I do forgive you and I’m sorry Brett messed with

you after I went to sleep.. He told me.. Not everything. Just that he fucked

with you because you fucked with my heart and that is bullshit…. I was pissed

at him and told him to leave my phone alone. Anyway I think the  fantasy

is kinda hot and I would for sure entertain anything as long as you enjoyed it.”

I didn’t quite know what to say or how to say what I really want to say..and I was still feeling like a fool , knowing his friend showed him all that he put me through.. and I was feeling a little self-conscious.. so I decided to cut off the conversation..

” Hey .. I still a bit shaken up from last night. I responded.

I guess I have  to take some time to absorb and deal with it. Thanks a bunch for

forgiving my deception. I’m not mad at Brett shows loyalty for a dear friend.

If only we all have friends like him who hurt for us in the way he does  I know

you are special and Brett just confirmed that fact. Ttyl my ALLEN .. Off to work

So as you know… Still loving you…”

He told me to have a great day at work… and I smiled..

I went to work for the first time without a smile.. I had tears in my eyes all night… I couldn’t believe how i have mess up our wonderful Christmas so badly. I could feel his coldness. and I thought i would give him some time to absorb it and come to terms with it all. how I missed him….

                           ***************************************

My sweet Allen stays with me for the next two months… he was very compassionate and super understanding … but he couldn’t bring himself to get pass my horrific deed..  he said he couldn’t accept all the lies that i told .. he could have accepted the pictures  because that wasn’t the problem.. it was the deception .. he could understand all my insecurities and fooling him with pictures …. it was just all the lies that comes with them.. he just don’t know if he can trust me. he said he didn’t care what I look like … he fell in love with me.

And again, I was dumbfounded.. I know he was so right and I have no valid excuses to justify my actions, other than my lame explanation that I just wanted some time with him.. It was the truth but just wasn’t enough reasons..

We talked again and again. well, I should say I  did..  he didn’t have too much to say to me. at one point he asked me to move beyond him.. and told me he has moved on .. He even as much as mention that his heart has grown a callous. I knew then that i had lost him completely.. I tried to accept my defeat but i was hurting so badly.. I never remember ever  feeling this amount of excruciating pain before..

I got me loving him.. I had him loving me.. I cried night and day for the first two weeks.

 i have given up all hopes with him.

He stays and encourages me  and treats me with me tenderness and a large amount of compassion. one his  last text was on valentines… I had sent him two cards and a valentine’s message  and he responded..

….MY MESSAGES….

Happy valentines my valentine!! I’m going to drop

the ‘L’ word today and I do hope you accept and receive it for all its worth. So

you know.. I still love you as much as I did seven weeks ago and even more… And I

want you to know how very grateful I am to you for staying; you will never know

just how much it means to me. Thank you for being you; that kind compassionate

wonderful you. My only regret is knowing how much Hurt i have caused you, but

I’m so thankful for the chance I get to know you and love you –

: Many people have touched the edges of my life,

coming and going;  scarcely leaving an impression, but you are an uncommon and

unique person, someone who has made a big difference in my life;so it’s not

surprising that I find myself thinking, just how very special you are… And

wanting you always to remain close … And I’m hoping against all hopes you stay awhile..  LOVE YOU MY SWEET SWEET ALLEN  ON THIS VALENTINE’S DAY..

(I ENCLOSED THE CARDS AND WROTE;

…  For you my Allen have you a most wonderful day

filled with love

 .

Wow! That is the nicest text and for sure most

heart-felt valentine cards I’ve ever received! Thank you so much for waking my

heart up Nita… And showing me that there is still a man inside me that wants

to feel love… And wants to be loved. You are so different from anyone I’ve

ever experienced and  I’m grateful to have you in my life.

. .: I hope you have a perfect Valentine’s Day Nita

 ” Thanks to the love I have for you and thanks to

you my sweet Allen… This is my best valentines ever”

I was smiling so huge when I had received that text… I didn’t actually know how to take what he said, but I was so pleased to read his respond  and was happy he liked my cards..

My heart soars with this immense amount of love for him it fills me with so much joy.. even though I messed up and lost him.. I just know that I will never forget  this most awesome and amazing gift of love.

It was one amazing month and though our christmas got shattered I still love every moment we shared and enjoyed together… the man who let my whole being becomes alive  like it  never  had before…he sets my heart on fire and have my whole soul so alive with profound joy..The man I never knew…with just his words he set me ablaze with a love so explosive and passionate… for that short period I knew what it was to be love with a passion so intense, I felt it to my very soul… I know he loved me… yes me… me… I felt him like he was right beside me..

He made love to me like no one has ever done.I felt his touch…I cum with such powerful, electrifying ecstasy …. over and over again.  I was the receiver of that intense passion and i am the one that loves him with a desire so strong it hurts.. I found him….and it was phenomenal..ecstatic… sensational… epic…

He may no longer be here.. but I’m so happy to have gotten this chance to know him .. love him..expirience him.. enjoyed him…. SOMETIMES LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS.. IT GAVE ME HIM.. & SOME GIFTS YOU CAN’T HOLD IN YOUR HANDS …. YOU HOLD THEM IN YOUR HEARTS…