I was back to my usual attitude and having the same feelings of letting go… so I just start to develop an attitude of “whatever”… It’s been going so long and I kinda got used to his behaviour… I just carry on as is and wait until he decided to come looking for me…
So I didn’t try to contact or reach out to him for a couple of weeks..
I decided t0 sent him GN SWEET DREAMS. Friday & Saturday night.
I started to get restless again and decided to reach out to him… I text him. No answer. It was a holiday so I figured he might be busy with family, enjoying his day. That’s ok I thought. I tried again Monday but again I got nothing. I try to tell me its ok, he’s probably just busy. We’ll see.
So I text him GN SWEET DREAMS.
[FUNNY, I WAS HERE WITH ALL THIS DEEP EMOTION AND WE WERE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. WHAT WAS I THINKING???
THAT HE WOULD MIRACULOUSLY WANT TO BE WITH ME? AND SO I KEPT ON DREAMING.]
I wanted to see him or even talk to him even though I know… from his actions… he doesn’t think of me like that. I got the feelings that he might be seeing somebody else. That ok, I thought. He needs to have somebody special
. [AND AGAIN I WISHED TO BE 30 AGAIN SO AT LEAST I COULD COMPETE FOR HIS LOVE. MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BE WITH HIM.]
Got a text, 7:32pm, a few days later, “u wok 2nit?”
Told him yes.
Thought I’d see him but it did not happen. I was kinda excited hoping for a repeat of his visit a few weeks back..
We talked through texting on Monday. He said that he’s good and he was in the studio. I text him on Tuesday asking him if he’s ok. He replied that he’s good and asked if I was at work.
I told him I was off… so he came over.
I was so ecstatic. He spent some time with me. We made love, like it was the first time… I hungrily love on him and he love like he really misses me and he really enjoyed me to the the fullest..as I did enjoyed him too… he kisses me and held me tightly very tenderly and whispered…
“I needed that so much… thank you !!!” I just kissed him and smile and hugged him to me and he returned my hug with a squeeze …
I was so happy to see and be with him. While he was here with me nothing else or nobody else matters. I just savor and enjoy him as much as I can.
Can’t believe that this one guy brings me so much joy every time.
After he left, I was beside myself… I say “YEAH!!! My Love-Love was here! He stayed a little, love me a lot and OMG Thank you, Thank you. I get to see MYLOVE-LOVE. It was so good; love that guy so so much.
Seeing him put me a good mood for a few days… but he always left me wanting more.. I could think of nothing else but him. After that incredible loving from him I could not wait to get some more. I was becoming insatiable and the more he comes around the more I want him and the more I feel for him…
So by Friday I was getting impatient to see him. I have this strong desire to be with him. I could still feel his hugs and kisses. I was trying not to get too over excited about him, but he gives me so much joy, that I get zealous.
One day at a time DEAR LORD. One day at a time. HELP ME!!!
I keep thinking of our deal and what we agreed upon… no strings.. just causal sex… but here I am catching feelings for a guy who is good only for some good loving to me….
Don’t know what to think or believe. The way he holds me tells me he likes me .But could I be wrong? We’ll see. This uncertainty and insecurity is driving me crazy. Couldn’t ask him. Wants it to be so, but afraid to get my hopes up. Can he see me as a girlfriend? Can I ask him to? No, I couldn’t do that to him. It couldn’t and wouldn’t be right for him. Leave it as it is Wendy. Enjoy him as long as he allows you to, and you are getting far more than you expected. Just be thankful and enjoy him while it last.
So I leave it be..
Try to text him on Sunday 18th. Nothing. Just hope he’s ok. Just need to hear from him. Wake up Monday with one of my Anxiety attacks. And of course MYLOVE-LOVE came to mind. I was anxious to hear from him. I had this negative feeling, and I’m here trying to analyze it. It frightens me. I’m thinking I’m never going to see him again.
It’s funny how I associated everything to him..
… But he could be just busy, caught up in his life or he hit a down spot and doesn’t feel like communicating. I want to reach out but feel its best I give him some space, and resume back to my decision to let him be the one to control our fate…
It just amazed me every time I make up my mind to stop, he text me.
I got a text Wednesday 21st, “wassup? How u been?”
I was quite pleased to say the least. I text him back ask him about his school, and how he’s doing? He answered, “Iam good. School is doin ok.”
I ask if he’s at school. And he said.”I am at the shop and no school today.”
We stopped texting. I was happy to have that little conversation with him. It was the most we ever talked through texting.
I love to stay connected to him… I know we can never be anything else than what we have now… and I hope it’s enough to constitute a lasting friendship… I have come to terms with just be friendly with benefits whenever the need arrives/arises…
I was feeling really good about him trying to communicate with me… I was hoping it means that he is coming around,and realizing that I’m a friend worth keeping…and that we have spent enough intimate times together that he does like me after all….
At 4:16pm I got another text from him. “I need a favor: I need $250 to put insurance on my car. If u can’t its ok. I got a lot going on and my money going fast.”
Ooooh maan…. wtf???? is he for real? He is asking for more money this time… I laughed out loud…
so I ask him, “when do you did need this?
He replied, “by Friday or I got to turn my tag in.”
I was shaking my head not fully beleiving his story… but wanting to help him and knowing it’s one way to get to see him and get me some good loving… so he was using me to finance him and I was using the money to lure into my bed and my arms… kitty was agreeing with my choice… getting all excited anticipating having him loving me and giving me great satisfaction and sexual gratification.
I text back telling him I will give it to him because I know he needs his car to get around.
He says, “yea, I do thanks, I got the kids this week I can come by when I drop them off tomorrow.”
I told him that’s just fine.
7:29am Thursday morning he text me, “wassup I be over there once I drop the kids off, u up?
And so he came for the money. I fixed him breakfast and had a little fun. well more like lots of fun… he didn’t disappoint.. kitty was more than happy with the petting and the loving..
I enjoyed his company even for that short time and I told him I was going to see my doctor about the pain I was experiencing. He left. And I felt good just to see him. The money I did not think twice about, because I thought I was helping him… and I got exactly what i wanted in return… some good good loving which leaves me smiling….
TO BE CONTINUED…….