MY ANSWER :
I woke smiling but a little less excited.. My turbulent desires has dissipated some..
I could now think much clearer about his proposal without the inference of my raging desires … I now have no conflict with my emotions..
I was still feeling flattered , honored and really good that he wanted to see me and must find me a little physically attracted to make the suggestion for having sex.. I was very aware that he meant just sex…
The thought of him even physically attracted to me was very delightful to me…
So I’m here going over our conversation.. and I’m having mixed feelings.. I decided to do a pros and cons …
Hahahaha… all my pros are the same. I only have one..
” I want him!! I want him!!! I really want him!!
But my cons.. I have a few..
- Pros ..I want to..
- I really want to..
- Love to love on him..
- So sexually stimulated by him..
- don’t want to get hurt again…
- -afraid (of vengeance).. he will mess me up
- – he doesn’t really find me attractive..
- -don’t want to get emotionally attached again…
- Don’t trust his identity
By vengeance I mean.. he might still be hurt about my game of deception.. and literally hurt me sexually.. to get back at me.. that statement about raw, dirty and no rules sex… have me a little scared and questioning his real intention…
That photo he had up .. keep coming to mind.. and I still am not too sure why he choose to use that particular photo.. it just doesn’t sit well with me..
If only he wanted me two years ago..
I would have jump at the chance.. And enjoy that one night of passionate loving…
I also know that him seeing me..will be a one night affair. Could I deal with that… would that be enough for me…??
I go off thinking.. what if he likes me.. if he sees me.. what if he love my passionate lovemaking..
Do I want to take that chance on him???? Hmm 😒..
I was feeling a little excited with the thought.. but still apprehensive 😩
All questions… without any real answers..and I don’t want to go presuming.. so I better think about what’s the best approach for me..
He is no guarantee ..
So… I think and I think..
over the next few days.. waiting impatiently for him to check Back with me.
I went through my emotions..I was torn between accepting his offer.. which was causing great havoc on my raging desires.. just the thought was making me so highly stimulated and sending shocking waves of sweet emotional sensations ..running through every vein in me..
On the flip side… I have all this reservations that I just couldn’t ignore.. And this time my heart is very weak against the logic of my head..
And I even went back as far as to that very first night when we first connected… two years ago…
His reasons for being online.. ” to see if there was girls looking for some dicks”..
I had found it amusing back then and even laughed it off.. So what’s would be so different now with his approach.. isn’t this what probably brought him back on??? And if I didn’t play that game of an innocent 😇 naive young girl.. wouldn’t he have suggested this same thing to me????
And I still think he is married.. he never quite said.. because I never quite asked..
I was just too taken up playing my deceiving game trying to hold on to him a little longer… until it spiraled way out of control..
And I remember his preferences and likes in a girl.. tall … thin.. and young..
I’m none of those .. I couldn’t play in his likes.. and quite frankly.. he doesn’t really know my sexual appeal .. . I was never that open or playful with him for him to see and know this side of me ..I was always much too busy playing the role of a naive young inexperience virgin….
With all this thinking and doubts.. I come to the conclusion… that I need to walk away.. and let him go…
I have way too much to lose.. and I have taken a long time to reach to this level.. where I can think of him with a smile without being overly emotional..
My feelings for him is still so strong.. but I have accepted his rejections And his absence… I also have accepted I’m the One that messed up.. and mostly have to be blamed for his disappearance for the last two years..
Oooooh how I wanted him.. and I still do .. but I just have to leave it in the past… and try not to mar what we had..
I have waited all week.. anticipating his checking in..I told myself I will give him until the weekend… come Friday night.. I waited to see a text.. but none came..
I woke Saturday… and my mind was so consumed with thoughts of him..
I wanted so much to give him my answer.. so I decided to text him before he checked in. I have a little thought.. that maybe he has a change of heart and that his suggestions/proposal… was just a spontaneous gesture.. and he probably having second thoughts..
I will give him a way out.. Put his mind at ease…
So I sent him a text..
“Hey ￼ .. MYSWEET Allen…
I have been waiting all week for you to come back for the Answer to your proposal. I’m going to save you the text .I have been doing some thinking and I’m so elated that you even suggested it.
But I have to declined very reluctantly and hesitantly.. too much is at stake for me.. and to be honest and be truthfully..
I have never quite gotten over you.. stranger things have happened.. and I have always believed.. you would have come back to me.. and here you are.
one text from you.. Is worth the time away.. what might have been ain’t worth a dime..
I just had hope someday I’d talk to you again..some other place some other time… there will never be another you for me.. but.. I have accepted my loss..
and as much I want you.. Oooooh how I want you.. I know you couldn’t want me..
…and seeing you would only cause me excruciating pain all over again…and making love.. or having sex… will Only allow me to get more emotionally attached..
so I’m going spare me all that hurt ￼ ..And accept my fate.. and walk away ..
And just keep reliving over and over again and again that most awesome and amazing experience of a most glorious magical and passionate love ❤ that was ours…
Thank you so much for coming back on .. and give me this Joyous pleasure to re-connect again even for just a moment..
I will love you 😘 forever… it was a divine bliss..
Loving you might have been a mistake but it was worth making”…
He answered… this is what he had to say…
“Thank you for your honesty. I might have created fate knowing the outcome. I hope you approve. I’m glad you came to the right conclusion either way…. it says tons about your emotional / moral compass. Have a great weekend!”
I did not understand what he was trying to say.. about creating fate and knowing the outcome…
I didn’t respond until Monday.. I read his answer over and over again..trying to figure it out.. but still couldn’t get what he meant…
so I just ignore the statement… and when I replied to him.. I did not mention it..
“Happy Monday my allen..
I hope my decision
Will not mean that we stop communicating once in a while…
My weekend was filled with thoughts of you..
Hoping that I really made the right choice..
During the struggles of deciding I sometimes felt I would be strong enough to sustain the hurt… just to get the pleasure of having you close and experience the joy of you ..for one glorious night…’
And I so vividly remembers when you walked away two years ago.. that excruciating pain I felt.. how devastated and shattered I was..
I know ….I Didn’t want to go there again..
All in all my allen…
The choice is made.. and our fate is set..
We had it all December 2014…
And we will never be the same again.
And we will never feel love like that again…
(here’s a secret you need to know..
I carry your heart… in my heart…)
Goodbye doesn’t mean forever..
All my life I have waited for a love like this. To come and stay..and I had found you.. but I made you slip away…
But the good things you do and say will always stay with me.. ”
He responded that …of course we will talk once in a while….
I just told him I would love that…
I really feel like I have lost him again… but this time I made the choice to walk away.. I feel like I finally had a closure.. and I’m really hoping he stays on the app for a while so he will always be just a text away.
Everyone known someone they can’t help but want…and even though we just can’t make it worked out .. the want to .. just lingers on.. so sometimes I find myself pretending that it’s right ..I know it’s wrong but it isn’t easy moving on…
Maybe my heart will never mend…but I’m so glad for all the good times … he brought me so much sunshine..Love was the best it ever been..and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world..
I will still occasionally say HI… but for the most part I will leave him alone.. It’s over.. loving him was easier than anything I will ever do again.. we don’t have tomorrow but we had that most wonderful memories in time …when we had it all ..when love was the best it’s ever been…