REFLECTIONS: The Diary of My Life… part 2

AGE NINE TO A TEENAGER

… The next few days I just stayed by myself.. and cry…

No one seems to care too much.. they just left me alone..

I found out that I have another sister.. She was three.. and a two baby brothers.. one.. only a year old and the other a little baby..

My new sister name was Dianne.. and she uses to seek me out and sit with me.. before long we were inseparable…

I don’t know if my dislike was so obvious towards my stepmother that she reciprocate and took a big dislike to me… and I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t like her that I felt that she didn’t like me…

She treats me with so much indifference and she was often mean..especially when my father wasn’t around..

She says the most meanest thing she could to a child… and as usual.. being the sensitive child I was.. I would go and cry my heart out…it seems all I did back then was cry..

Another problem I had….was peeing the bed at nights.. I would try so hard not to.. but I would always wake up soaking wet..

My stepmom didn’t like that at all.. she would get so annoyed and cuss at me every morning…

she would hold me .. shake me and call me lazy and ask me when are you going to stop… ???

I would just start crying.. stuttering trying to tell her I will.. but the word would never come out..

( looking back.. she probably was so overwhelmed with three babies and now three more.. and she would have to change and wash those sheets .. extra work that she doesn’t have the time for.. all washing was done by hand.. but as a child I couldn’t understand that..)

I just wanted be anywhere but there..

My grandma was living in another part of the house…with her second husband and three younger children.. our age group… The oldest daughter was 13… and the youngest..8…

My grandma was very afraid of ghosts.. she always said she can see them.. she would always have salt spread across her doorways.. she tells us kids it was to ward of those ghosts…

We all believe her…especially when everyone was claiming that my mom was seen.. and it’s all because we were there…

I was so scared.. so to add to my already sad existence comes this thing about my dead mom..

My aunts and uncle was so scared they didn’t want us there anywhere near them..

My grandma had a TV.. in her room and I always wanted to watch it.. but they would never allow me in. Saying my mom is haunting me and she would follow me in..

My mom seems to be on a rampage and was creating a havoc in my life…

That first few months was so hard for me.. I wanted to be anyone but me…

My stepmom was from a different parish ( state)and that summer she decided to take everyone to visit and spend some time with her brothers.. everyone except me of course.. even my eight year old aunt got to go.. and I was left with my grandma.. and her two kids..

I cried and I cried.. I wanted so much to be apart of that trip.. and I didn’t really know why I was left behind…and I didn’t want to left..

And my worst nightmare began… I was locked in a room by myself because everyone was afraid of my mom..

I was so afraid.. I was trembling with fear and every little thing I heard scared me even more..

I remember feeling so alone.. so anxious.. my grandma was in her room with her kids.. and I had no one to turn to.. I think I cried that whole time and I don’t think I slept a wink…

I became so bitter.. I hated everyone and everything.. l asked myself..,why does everyone hates me…

and I hated my stepmom even more..but I wasn’t brave enough to do anything… like running away but the thoughts occurred to me on more than once..

By the time they got home.. I was so frazzled.. and mad.. and I withdrew even more..

I would lash out with cuss words and was very mean to my sisters..

my stepmom would whoop me for cursing.. and would always find an excuse to be mean to me…

My school life was no better.. I still had no friends .. I didn’t realize that I was just mean to everyone so I was so unapproachable and my attitude cause everyone to stay away…I was way too defensive.. afraid of letting anyone in…

The experience with the fear of my mom.. causes me to be not afraid…I had no choice I guess .. and I finally got over it..

my own company became my best friend.. I refuse to talk to my sisters.. I didn’t say much to my stepmom.. my father was never around.. I would go off in isolation by myself.. and I started to keep a diary where I poured out all my anger.. and bitterness..

I was living in self pity .. and a feeling of pure resentment from everyone ..

I was called handicap and retarded…I still still didn’t talk.. I usually just nods and shake my head.. in response to everything..

I don’t remember ever smiling that first years .. I was always crying..

My stepmom would get so annoyed at me crying.. she used to tell me to shut up.. which makes me cry even more.. and sometimes would slap me.. telling me .. she’s giving me something to cry for..

My siblings would all laugh and find it so funny.. which angers me and make me want to cry more…,

I felt so helpless and so unhappy…

my life stayed in that mode Over the next three years I only grew more and more bitter…

My stepmom never takes me anywhere with her.. and I got used to it..

twice a year she would take my sisters to her home town. Always leaving me behind…

I stop crying.. but at age 12.. she decided she would invite me along…. and I didn’t want to go….

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TO BE CONTINUED…