AS I LAY THERE SOBBING FEELING LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD; A TEXT CAME THROUGH ….
“WENDY”…. he called my name…
“BABY”…. he tried again….
“I’m so sorry … I feel asleep… anyway… please don’t be upset with me… or think I’m an illusion! That’s crazy! I’m sorry I let you down. I’m saying night now… and I do hope you forgive me…. I also hope you are resting well and happy.”
I was reading what he was saying and I realize that he fell asleep; it never occurred to me that he might fall asleep. It’s 4am. So I felt really bad about my thoughts and realize I made a terrible mistake in doubting him. So I got up and decided to answer him… so he saw me writing and he says…
Hey sexy!!! I see you typing!!! Awwww!!! Stop that! Let me hear it! He said anxiously.
I was smiling by then, trying to type what I was saying but not fast enough for him….
Talk to me!” he said impatiently.
“Now… please…. Anything…” he pleaded.
“”just Wakanita words! …
I finally finish what I was saying, “I think its best we talk tomorrow after you get a good night sleep. Right now I’m crying and can’t talk. I told him.
“Oh ok… I’m sorry. He said.
“I understand your frustration with me… I do get it… I try to let him know.
“I was so excited to talk to you, I had no idea you were upset with me… I’m sorry for being so ignorant… I will not contact you again.” He stated.
“not contact me again???? oooh my…..
I just realize that we got our wires crossed, we both misunderstood each other; I thought he was annoyed at me and he thought I was mad with him; and now he is threatening not to contact me again. I have to try to fix this…
“Why are you giving up on us?” I asked. “All a big misunderstanding… so you fell asleep… ok, I just thought you were ignoring me. I told him.
He stops writing again and I was not too sure if it is because he fell asleep again or if he was really gone.
“Now you’re gone again?” I asked. I forgive you my love.” I told him not wanting to lose him.
“No baby” he said. “I’m here”
“good.” I said happily,.(smiling so huge) “Are you sleepy? I asked. I know it’s late.
Then he says, “please don’t be sensitive… please know I’m real… and we are strong!
We are strong.” I agreed…
“yes it’s late but we are super strong.” He told me. “Nita…I love you baby… that is real.”
For sure.’ I said. “It makes me happy.”
I forget again that we can never be; I was so wrapped up in his love all I was doing was living in the moment and just feeling and receiving all the love, emotions and desires that he was giving me…..
And I was also trying to convince him to stay..so afraid that he is gonna walk away…..
“So we are back on track? I asked.
“Good” he says. “One day you will understand! Till then you just know what feels right. Ok?… baby… we were never off track.
Thank you for that.”I told him. “I’m glad. Then I asked him, “Do you want to go to sleep?”
“Nita… I know stuff is a mess for you… but baby… we are going to be constant you will see… yes I’m tired. He told me. “But baby I can’t have you flipping out on me.”
I thought he must be very tired to be dozing off in the middle of our conversation, and I thought I was totally being selfish wanting him to keep talking to me. So I asked him….
“So do you want to continue this discussion tomorrow?”
“I need you loving your man!” he was telling me. “Yes please.”
I told him, “I’m resilient.” [To me flipping out.] “You got it.” [Me loving my man; and I do love him so very much]
I’m smiling,’ he let me know.
I’m smiling too… now,’ I also told him.
“So perfect! He said.
I was so glad to get all that straighten out; and I start to relaxed again. So I said to him…
“I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding.”
“Baby… he said. ‘Turns out you are human… right? How can I be upset with that?
So I remind him. “you said you will stop and you did.’ Guess I am.”
I will make mistakes…. And I hope you will be understanding… he said to me. “I’m not perfect… But we are all work in progress… right?
I told him, ‘I will try… and again.. I’m not you. You are the most understanding person I ever came across.”
So we work… as a person… and as a couple… but we are always working in the same direction if we love each other. He let me know.
“let’s go for it.” I answered.
“So love is the answer.” He assures me.
“Always.” I agreed.
“That’s just one guy’s random thoughts… take it or leave it. He said.
“As long as it’s yours.’ I let him know. “I will take it.”
Awwww!!! He said lovingly.
“Nita… he called my name. “Baby….
Yes Allen.” I answered.
“Please sleep well… and baby… please think of me… I’ll be thinking of you love… night sweet girl… talk tomorrow I hope?
“You too.’ I told him. “Every time, every day, every night.
Awwww!!! Nita…. He says. “Merry Christmas… baby… I love you…
“Good night my sweet Allen, I said to him. It’s not Christmas until Thursday, but merry Christmas to you too. Don’t forget my Christmas gift; I’m looking forward to seeing them.”
Btw… holidays I love’… he wanted me to know. It’s just another reason to spend time with the people you care about…And tell them you love them… so this one is perfect…I don’t care if you celebrate at all!!!! I just know it’s a great time to be loving you… so yeah.’
I read this and all of a sudden I remember that this is not real for me… oh god… he loves me this much and there is nothing I can do to claim him as mine.
“I have your gift all ready to go, he told me. “Already done.’
I did not make any comment on his speech; I really did not know how to address it and I did not want to say something to take us back to where we were coming from. So I completely ignored it.
“Great!” I answered about the gift.
“Night lover” he said.
Well goodnight lover.” I responded.
Nita… he called my name again.
Yeah, I responded.
“tell me you love me please.” he begged of me.” Unless it’s not comfortable.”
I do love you my sweet Allen… so, so much.” I honestly told him. “But I do love you.” I informed him.
“I’m smiling huge!” he said.
Good, you should be.” I let him know.
Then he let me know, “Nita… I’m so silly crazy in love with you! Yeah I should be happy; and so I am.”
I felt a rush of emotion all over my body that it made me shudder. I was feeling so elated to know he loves me this much; and I really believe it … i really and truly did…and it was as if I could sense it and sense him. In the back of my mind I know he was looking at Paige’s face and thinking that’s the girl that’s on the receiving end of his raging passion and desires; but I was sitting there feeling him with all my senses ,with my own passions ablaze with a fierce fire of emotions… accepting and taking it all gladly.
It’s a wonderful thing and I am happy too.” I told him. “That makes two of us. Hearts in harmony.”
IT WAS SO EASY FOR ME TO GET LOST IN THE MOMENT WHEN HE IS THERE WITH ME; NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO ME BUT FEELING HIM AND HIS EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH THAT PHONE… ALL I WANT IS TO JUST WRAPPED MYSELF UP IN HIS PRESENCE…. AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING…AND COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I’M NOT BEING HONEST AND THAT IM HERE ENCOURAGING AND PLAYING WITH HIS EMOTIONS …all for the sake of experiencing this founded joy of a love I have never known before… how can I make this right???…. it is so wrong on all levels…
TO BE CONTINUED……