A LOVE STORY THAT CAN NEVER BE…..

HIS LOOK OF DISDAIN…

Met Patrick.. a Dutch from the Netherlands… in 2013….. on a social media site.. We have been talking for the past eight years…

He asked me to go exclusive with about a year after we met.. I agreed and we have been connecting everyday since…

Our connection became a part of my daily existence .. we connect every day … we lasted for seven years… and I before I know it .. I was so in love with him.. I guess my heart knows no boundaries….

Now he is ready to move on.. ready to get someone who can give him all that I can’t from the distance between us..

And even though I do understand this.. I find that I have serious issues dealing with his lack of attention…. I’m devastated.. I can’t accept losing him.. although I know can’t give him nothing.. nor can I offer him anything….

I’m 4500 miles away and the only thing we have is some texting connections.. how impersonal.. he use to call me video calls. Now he don’t anymore…

He lost everything for me.. he emptied his heart of me .. he stopped loving 🥰 me .. he has become cold.. mean.. he even as much as stopped talking to me.. he ignores my text messages…. treats me with contempt…

And I’m having a very hard time losing his love and attention…. I know it’s over.. but I can’t walk away… I can’t let go….

No matter what I say to him .. he gets mad with me. He stays mad with me these days… I think he is forcing me to walk away from him…..

And by god it’s working too… I just about have enough of his rejection and his treatment of disdain…..

I find myself slowly losing interest… and getting very disheartened.. with his ignoring me…. And with his lack of connection and communication…

It scares me to fully let go.. thinking I may regret my actions In retrospect… I’m trying to be patient to see if we can form some kind of reconciliation… but I’m afraid it’s only my hopes and wishes.. he doesn’t seem to want to resume us back to that level..

He blocked me and completely stopped all communication for three months.. then he opened up back the portal for connecting..

I thought and it was a sign of him wanting to reconciled .. but I was wrong…I never asked him why he decided to resume connection with me… I just leave it to see where it goes..

But..

I’m only opening up myself.. for more of his rejections.. and allowing him to emotionally abuse me with his lack of communication and acknowledgment….

I keep subjecting myself to his contemptuous attitude towards me…. I think he gets profound joy from completely ignoring me… especially when I try to connect with him…

Patrick.. is a complete different man from what I knew over the years….and it’s so obvious that he never really shared my feelings of love… I guess He was never emotionally available.. and our relationship was something to entertain himself.. without getting too attached…

I must admit… I really went overboard with my emotions and got too carried in my make believe world of fantasy ..to develop to this magnitude of intense attachment and to love him with such depth..

I lost control of my heart.. and I let it lead me to destroy what was meant to be just a friendship of sharing … this was all it meant to him.. I took it out of contextually … and now I’m paying the price for not being able to control my emotions for a man that I will never know personally…

So now.. to decide what is best for me in this scenario..

I’m still hanging on to someone that is clearly out of my reach … and I’m refusing to walk away and turn my back on a man who clearly doesn’t need me a as a part of his life anymore…

But. After a whole year of uncertainty.. doubts .. rejections… disrespect and disregard…. a girl can take so much and no more…

I know I’m left with no other choice but to save my sanity.. my dignity… and my poorly pride…..

And just make a complete halt… and leave this man who is on the side of the world… to live his life the way he wants. Without me waiting for him to throw any little crumbs my way.. and thinking he’s doing me a great favor…

And me lapping it up .. like it’s ice cream 🍨.. licking my lips 😋 begging for more.. while me kicked me away.. telling me to shut up 🤫….

So sad for me.. that I give him and allow him this privilege to treat me with such disdain..

I asked myself a thousand times.. why is it so damn important to me to stay connected to him.. why is it so important to to me to have his love..

Why do I feel this strong need to be close to him.. and the more he shun me the more I yearn for him…

Why can’t I build up enough courage to end it with him.. and disregard him like he does me…why am I wasting my emotions and my energy.. trying to communicate and connect.. only for him to utterly ignore me…

What is this obsession and addiction I have developed.. so much .. that I am so hooked on him.. there must be a way to release myself from these chains that bind my heart to him…..

I need to let go and run as far as I can.. and leave him behind me… and move forward to a more healthy lifestyle… I’m stifling myself.. I’m stunting my happiness..

He doesn’t want me.. so very obvious… he doesn’t mean me any good.. He doesn’t even like me… it’s so clear as glass ..

So what am staying for.??!!

What am I hanging on to??!!!

There is nothing, but, a void.. it’s only in my imagination and my “MAKE BELIEVE WORLD OF FANTASY “….

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