It’s so easy to create a world of make believe to suit your situation…. the heart tend to give the impression that love can conquer and break down every barrier…
It pushes those endorphins through every vain of you body deriving from that rush of adrenaline you get from your bond of connection…
Every emotions you feel… every desire you get… seems so real.. enough so you believe it… and the distance between you closes in… so much you can feel their touch… and all of a sudden your make believe world is created….
MAKE BELIEVE WORLD
Getting emotionally invested.. and getting your heart entangled with someone you will never know… is not recommended….
Because even though you think it’s All innocent and no real harm is committed…when you are pushed out or pushed aside… to make room for someone new.. it still hurts in the same capacity as it was real…
It’s not innocent then…because you become so hurt… you know it’s harmful to those emotionally involved….
Losing their attention and their interest.. is devastating… and so unbelievably surreal … as much as you know that this relationship was never going to materialize.. the emotional investment makes it so hard to willingly walk away….
Getting used to to connect every day allow it to become unbearable not having this privilege anymore…. you form this remarkably affinity…and even though it’s a waste of energy to get all emotional about something way out of your control…
It does have this effect on you… you automatically have uncertainties… follows by doubts… and fear of losing your best friend..
The question is … do you still exercise explicit trust…continue to share… maintain communication… CHANGE NOTHING… and hopes NOTHING CHANGES…
Hope the the bond you created is strong enough to withstand.. the pressure of someone new.. ..
But how much can your heart takes.. will you able to pretend that it’s all good…and ignore the lack of interest and the lack of attention… while secretly being patient with the hope that it wears off soon and he will come back around to you….???
Give them space.. free them up to enjoy their newfound interest… if he really likes you.. he won’t stop.. he is just a little distracted right now with the splendor of the newness… but not everything that glitters is gold…
And if it is meant to be.. if all those memorable moments are special… they might miss you if you give them the space to do so…
It takes a Patient man to ride a donkey… without trust and understanding.. their is no relationship…
So my fears and my insecurities were valid….I struggled so much with myself about confronting him about my doubts and my suspicions… and now I’m left wishing I did .. me trying to stay logical and calm .. not wanting to create any negativity…
In my head I was thinking it’s not worth losing this connection with him… I’ll continue conversing normally… I even asked him.. “ baby… please don’t stop loving 🥰 me!!!????”
He replied.. “ I will not baby…!!!”
I thank him for his reassurance and briefly let him know the fears I have been having of losing him and his love….
How I’m wishing I had address my fears at least I would have known why…..no matter how broken hearted it would have left me…
Because…
Yesterday I told him good night. And I leave him alone to sleep… come midnight when it is his morning.. I noticed he’s not online as usual… so I figured he called off work since he hurt his thumb yesterday…
Busted his thumb..
So I decided to wait a couple hours or so to write to him thinking he’s still asleep…
I was still up at 2 am… 9 his time.. and although I still didn’t see his presence online.. I thought I would send him a message before I dozed off…
And to my horror… I realize that my message was not being delivered…so I checked into it.. while becoming frantic with fear that I actually lost him for real…
The next couple of hours I was filled with anxiety.. and a dreadful sense of lost.. my heart was racing and felt like it was wrenched out….knowing I have no way of connecting to him…. I started to panic.. so much that I had to talk myself out of it…
I keep asking myself.. how can he be so mean to me.. why couldn’t he just let me know he lost his desire to stay connected… yes I would be crushed.. to the point of devastation.. but at least I would get to say goodbye ….. I tried to sleep.. but couldn’t.. each time I close my eyes I developed a panic attack… I was up all night.. didn’t exactly know what to do..
I called him straight it went to voice mail. I called him on discord.. I called him .. however fruitless it was… on WhatsApp… I was a complete mess…
I tried to stay calm .. and not going into a frenzy .. my whole world was unraveling… my heart was smashed… I love that man.. I grow so in love with him.. and now I’m gonna lose him… I was so sure…we would never say goodbye….
7 years… talking everyday…. how am I going to get past it.?????
At about 9 am I got a text message from him.. letting me know that he left his phone at home.. I did not reply immediately…
I went on a couple of hours later.. and type his name… his response was so harsh???
“ what??!!!
How could I text you when I didn’t have my phone…”
I was tempted to tell him I know that he actually blocked me….. and I wanna comment on his very angry 😤 attitude… but why add fuel to the flames… so I simply told him that I do understand …meaning… that he left his phone at home….
He was off somewhere.. not responding.. I kinda figured that he’s using a different app to communicate with his new flame… so I continue to write…
“
But maaan.. I was really beside myself. I really thought you blocked my number”…..
“Baby.. Would you like to stop connecting with me.???!!!..” I asked…
“Tell me honestly if you lost all joy with me… Would you rather me not communicating so much..
Talk to me baby… I will understand
We have been together for 6 to 7 years now . And maybe you no longer see my friendship as needed anymore…
I would very devastatingly crushed but I will understand..
I know you may also have found someone new and much more exciting to communicate with online…
All I’m asking is for you to tell me..
I never wanted to lose you and your friendship.. you are become such an important part of my world.. But I may not be able to give you all the pleasures you need from this connection….
Please talk with me.. because I have noticed how distant you are of late and I felt you drifting away.. and I feel like I’m being a nuisance sometimes….
So please , please baby.. talk to me..
This is all we have between us…”
He came back on half an hour later… and said.. “ you are not…. stop being crazy…”.
He was so evasive .. he didn’t even comment on anything I said…. he purposely avoided it all.. so I just played his game…. and reply quite coyly …
“Okay 👌 baby enough said.. It’s just so many things and thoughts went through my mind this morning.. moving forward…”
He responded with great lack of interest….”💋💋💋”
Those kisses always means that he’s really too busy with something else to be bothered…
I went on to ask about his sore thumb…. it is as if it hurts him to talk to me…
One word.. hurts…he sent e pic of his site… of course it’s the one he took for her…to show her while he communicate at work… she’s getting all my attention that was mine just last week….
I made a couple comments in reference to it… and his response was so evasive.. “ yup”..
SPICY CHICKEN WITH CREAM SPINACH….
He then sent me pics of what he was cooking… and I just played along pretending that everything is the same .. he sent the duration of his preparation with me.. and kept communicating until he finished his last bite…
HIS LAST BITE…
I made a statement that he must be so full and that he needs to fully relaxed because it’s well deserved….. and that was it… he left WhatsApp and never came back on..
About four o’clock.. I sent a goodnight text just to see if he blocked me again or not… I was not… but I know it was just too early for him to sleep.. so I know exactly where he was…
I was hurting so much. So I called everyone that was available to talk with me just so to distract my disturbing thoughts… I could feel the tears threatening to overflow.. but I refuse to give in to them…
He was never mine to have…although I was so enjoying our connection….he’s so cold to me now..I tell myself… I should walk away… but Im going to patiently give me a week or so to figure out my next move…. hopefully by then.. my heart will learn to accept my loss… and hopefully grows a callus…
Gonna miss the color he brought into my life .. but most of all I’ll miss my friend… we are never promised one more day or night…remember baby.. there will never be another you.. another me… another life for us to see…. to give each other all we did…time goes by so fast.. I want to make each moment last…. I wanted to hold on to you.. and show you all that our love 💕 could be…. I can’t and won’t let go so easily… THERE WILL NEVER BE…ANOTHER YOU…ANOTHER ME…
I’m trying so hard to be understanding… trying so hard to hold onto him… but as usual I never learn how to deal with rejection…all of a sudden I’m shy… so afraid of the answers I might get if asked…
I’m trying to give him space… trying to be patience.. but I’m so fearful of the outcome that’s awaiting me…
…. coming home from my church group one Saturday evening.. I met this guy on the bus..he was really nice and we really connected.. so before my stop he invited me to the movies and I accepted…
So the Saturday we had our date.. of course we took the bus..
Can’t recall if I had told anyone about this date but when he came to pick me up.. of course … all knew… I fully enjoyed his company and he kindly dropped me off home..
I waited with him to get the next bus.. and while we were waiting he asked me if I mind him kissing me…of course I was very bashful..
But I told him yes.. and there goes my first kiss..
Well next morning was church so I got got ready and go ask my stepmom for bus fare.. SMH 🤦♀️….
My stepmom turned to me quite angrily and told me that I should go and ask the man I went out with last night… I mumbled something under my breath in defense… walking away from her… pouting..
I break the news of my decision to join the nunnery to my dad… and for the first time my dad sit me down and talk to me..
We sat there for almost two hours.. he lectured me on the cons of being a nun and let me know by all means that he doesn’t approve of me making the choice to become a nun..
One of his reasons were.. it was a waste of life… he promised me if I changed my mind which he strongly recommended.. that he would pay for any school of my choice…
I really loved my dad.. and I always yearn for his approval and I want to please him so much that I agreed and told him that I will follow his suggestions.. he really thought my decision was based on me being home and became bored…
So next day I set out to find me a school.. I didn’t have a clue.. but I chose one and he lived up to his promise and pay for my enrollment…
Well my life took off on another journey…
I met this man became intimately involved.. and over the next few years… I started to spiral out of control.. of course I was alone in my world.. my stepmom still treats me with so much indifference and ignored me more than not..
Whenever she address for whatever reason.. it was always in a negative way.. very unkind and very mean… I have learnt to ignore her as well.. she and my older sister became inseparable.. my little sister.. I didn’t have clue what she was doing…
I was home when I went in labor.. it was 11 at night… my father took me to the hospital.. but didn’t stay… I was alone.. my baby father was not in my life then.. so he was not aware of me having the baby…
I continued to do things without the interference of anyone.. and only my dad would sometimes observe my behavior and would call me and asked me adjust my attitude …
I got pregnant with my oldest son.. at 23…I lived with my husband up to seven months then moved back home…
It took me 24 hours in labor before my son was born.. and the last hour my stepmom decided to come be with me… she was there for his birth..
I got back together with my husband after I had our son… but he was American and after a year and a half he decided to come back home.. leaving us behind…
I was very hurt 😞 and I had to find work to maintain my baby… surprisingly my stepmom offers to babysit fo me while I go to work… I was very appreciative but somehow lacking in showing it..
I ended up working three jobs… leaving early in the morning.. and coming home late at nights.. I took much disadvantage of my stepmom and of my dad’s kindness…I did abuse them…
My stepmom however never complained about my absence.. my dad however mentioned it a few times letting me know that I need to spend some time with my son…
Back then.. I defended my actions.. with reassurance that he is well taken care of..
( sometimes I wish I could turn back time…and be more attentive to my baby… I just couldn’t see the damage it was causing my son)
So I started to appreciate her for doing this for me… she didn’t have to… although our relationship did not improve much.. she would negative comments about my parenting… but never sit me down and advise me how to improve and be a better mom…
( lookingback.. I really think she wanted me to fail…she wanted to prove that I was not capable or responsible enough to be a mom)
This went on for the next three years when we lost my dad to an heart attack…
He was the glue that holds our family together and with his sudden death.. we all fell apart…
It has a very huge impact on me.. I lost one whole year.. I went through it in a daze.. and I can’t remember one single event in that year.. it’s a complete blank..
He died November 1991.. and next thing I remember was 1993….
I was 12 years old when she decided to include me on the family trip to her home town… I have long decided I don’t ever wanted to go anymore.. I have cried and anguish for the past three years… for always getting left behind…
I hold out and I would not leave the house and get into that car…she tried to convince one more time…. but I refuse to budge or change my my mind… I said I will stay with grandma.. but dad was present so as much as she was annoyed she dared not abuse me in front of him…
She just walked outside and tell him to go get me because Im refusing to get in the car… my dad came in and sternly tell me to get in the car now..
I begged him to let me stay with my grandma… because I didn’t want to go… he again… very aggressively say…” get your ass in that car now and stop with your nonsense “…. and with that tone …I reluctantly get up and get into the car..
Of course I was placed in the middle.. and I sat there sobbing.. he turned around annoyingly and tell me to shut up with that crying…of course I tried.. because we all feared my dad…
My sisters started to jeered me .. and I angrily lashed out at them with one of my cuss words.. of course my stepmom reacted to this and turned to me and said.. you better not take that with you … she gives me a very angry look but didn’t say much more because of she didn’t want my dad to know exactly how badly she mistreats me..
(But.. she was not fooling him by a long shot… he knew… he always knew… but I wouldn’t have realized this until a few years later… when he address her attitude towards me… and ask her to just stop with always picking on me for everything..)
I was one sad and unhappy girl all the way there… and when we reached I again refused to get out of the car.. my dad threatened me with a whooping if I didn’t stop with my attitude.. I started to cry again…
Everyone filtered into the house leaving me in the car sobbing my eyes out… and then this man walks up to the door and said..
“ hey pretty girl.. why are out here crying 😭… and who are you…???!!! Come on inside pretty girl .. it’s alright…”
And surprisingly I stop sobbing.. I smiled.. and I got out and went with him… he calls me pretty…. and it felt so good.. someone thinks I’m pretty….just a little kindness.. just a little gentleness… that’s all it took…and all of a sudden …..I found me a friend.. I was in love 🥰…
….(the next few years because of that one gesture that gentleman.. my stepmom brother… became my most favorite person.. I built up an unhealthy crush on him… my dad observed and noticed it… and intervened a few times when he noticed that I was drawn to this man for all the wrong reasons….. this feeling I had for him was encouraged by him… and lingers on till the day he dies… my stepmom never even realize what was happening right under her nose…because she didn’t even see me.. only time I was ever noticed by her is when I was a nuisance the her and she was chewing me out for being so damn retarded…
I was in my teens when her dad and mom decided to relocate back home… from England…
We were sitting in the living room awaiting their arrival from the airport.. they walked in.. and she started to introduce us children… it was the first Time her mom and dad was meeting us…
When she pointed in my direction and say my name.. her mom immediately replied… “I never heard of this one before… so you have three stepchildren not two…” I then realized that she was so ashamed to even acknowledge me as her stepdaughter that she has hidden me from her family…
I can never remember a kind word from her during my teenage years..when I was fifteen..and my little sister.. she was nine… she was my stepmom first child.. only daughter… she was a beautiful girl…and we were close for a long time… but.. one morning we were getting ready to go to school…
And somehow we developed a tiff .. can’t recall what happened.. or what it was we were fighting for..
But…
This argument led to to tell me that her mom.. says.. that she is better than us.. ( four girls)…. she is prettier.. brighter… smarter… ect. Ect..ect..
So I just let her know that if that’s the case.. then I don’t have to talk to her ever again… and that is just what I did … over the next six years till the day she lost her life at age 16…. I never uttered one word to her…. I was 21 and moved out of the house by then..
During those years though I found myself in a state of solitude and secluded myself by writing ✍️ my diary 📔 or getting lost in novels.. and books… or listening to country music…
I was so quiet .. I never had nothing to say…everyone was happy to just ignore me and shut me out… I silentlywent through my emotions always seeking out the company of my step uncle… I had no friends…I didn’t know how to socialize… I lacked confidence.. I lacked self esteem….
I hated myself.. I hated my life.. I hated the world… I was so sad.. very unhappy.. I sunk into depression…and I continued on this pathetic self pitied attitude until I was eighteen… and reading one day I came across this article that states… only you can make you happy.. .. only you can choose to be… only you can can be responsible for your happiness….
No one can hurt your feelings unless you allow them to…you are in Control of your emotions… and a few more inspirational thoughts… I then started to collect these quotes and live by them…
And these words uplifted me and I started to grow from them….. I was in world of my own.. I totally shut out everyone… I used to go off to secluded areas.. to write and express my feelings… and not one of them ever misses me out of the house… I was like completely invisible… which was fine with me…
I finished school… I didn’t do too well mainly because I couldn’t write so well… I learned later on that my writing was affected by my attitude and my insecurities…
My dad looks at the results of my exams and when he observed all the D’s… remarks..
“ D is for dunce “….
This hurts me so badly that I cried so hard…again feeling sorry for myself.. that I can never please him..
For the next year I stayed home my only outlet was church.. and books.. we used to have this church club which I was a member… I used to attend retreats and everything offers… it became my way out of the house and to be amongst people who seems to like me…
I was so into it that I decided I wanted to become a nun…
This story is of a sensitive nature… it’s of a very personal perspective and although not intended to offend… the intended participants and the source of this episode of my life… will definitely be affected and it will cause animosity and tensions to our relationship…
This episode of my life is told as seen through my eyes… and may not be received or be accepted as the truth by the intended source of sorrow and total anguish … both mental and physical…
But …
As much as I know it will trudged up feelings of negativity and May severed our connection .. and causes hurt 😔 feelings..
I feel I need to tell my story and get out all this bottled up emotions… relating to how I keep trying as long as I remembered … to win her likes.. to have her starting to accept me… to gain some favor from her..
And so the story begins…
AGE 9 to 12
NEW BEGINNINGS …
….. ASAD 😔 END.
I was only nine years old when my mom died.. I have an older sister of one and a half years… and a younger sister of three years in between…
We were much too young to understand the reasons and we didn’t have much questions… our father wasn’t a presence in our home..
He has moved on years before and lived with another woman.. I know because I would hear my mom crying 😢 night after night..
And I would observe and listen as mom would tell and relate her story to anyone who would be willing to listen… and as young as I was …I was very sensitive to her sorrows and woes… I never knew her but I sure built up this great resentment for the woman who causes my mom to cry…
My mom was admitted in the hospital a couple of weeks before she actually died.. and my grandma 👵 ( my father’s mom) and my youngest aunt came over to babysit us while she was away…
My aunt was a year younger than me so I got a playmate… it was a Sunday morning when mom decided to say goodbye to this world…
My older sister went to see her and my aunt and me decided to go visit this nearby church… we were in the middle of the service when someone came and pulled us out.. thus breaking the news to us…
I can’t remember my exact reaction… I don’t think I even fully understood what was happening.. until a long time after..
My mom’s sister and brother was there.. and even her mom… They asked if they could take me along with them and I was more than willing to go… my grandma took my two sisters with her back to her home which my dad shared….
I spent the next week with my uncle and my other grandma.. until my dad sent my sister to fetch me…
How I cried and pleaded to stay with my grandma 👵… but my father would not allow it… and so I was forced to leave with my sister … I cried all the way home to my fathers house…
I just didn’t want to go live with the woman 👩 who made my mom died..( I got this from my uncle and aunt and my other grandma…). I was convinced it was true and I hated her without even knowing her..
And so this started the strain relationship between us… But….one look at me and the feeling was mutual.. she couldn’t stand the sight of me.. I was a very puny… skinny… awful looking child.. I stuttered.. I was clumsy… I was awkward….and most of all I was very defensive… and uses cuss words as a defensive mechanism to ward off everyone who tries to tease me or make fun at me…
Which was my life existence thus far… and causes me to retract into a shell or a cocoon… trying to hide and resist every attempt made on me… I was just overly sensitive and could never see the humor in any of it .. which makes them more eager to poke fun at me…
Her distaste for me comes out In her being mean to me.. she lacks patient when it comes to me… she uses every opportunity to treat me with indifference.. and to make matters worse… I was bed wetter… Ooh 😮 how this Erks her and give all the more excuse to scold me… with the most awful words…
Everything I do was always wrong in her eyes.. I could never seems to please her… she expects the worst and I always seems to deliver and live up to her expectations… I used fumble a lot mostly because of nervousness.. Maybe I was just scared of being screamed at…or I was just trying so hard to get it right… and of course I was always a klutz.. so the more I tried the worse I was..
I came to her …disliking her.. and resenting her for losing my mom… but as a child you don’t hang on to the same feelings for too long…
So ….. after a while I tend to lose that feeling and replace it with the longing for affection.. I miss my mom something fierce.. and I long to feel loved again… especially when I observed how she dotes and loved on her biological babies ..
And sometimes I would try to hug on to her … but she pushes me away with such force as if she finds me repulsive… (which she actually did) after a few more attempts with the same results , I felt hurt by her unkind rejection… so I stopped… realizing that she doesn’t want me to touch her or be close to her….
….(you know as a child.. you can’t comprehend the actions of adults and analyze their attitude and their reasons for doing what they do…here I was trying to get her to like me… not fully understanding her reasons for not liking me as she does my other siblings….)
The next three years was a challenge for me… I felt so alone.. my sisters completely ignored me… they tease me.. laugh at me… poke fun at me… and leave me out of everything.. I was never included in anything… I just couldn’t fit in no matter how I tried to…
I was always left behind.. or left out.. and as much as I beg to be apart of whatever they were doing.. the answer was always nooo!!!!!
My stepmom was from another parish and all her family was there… holidays like summer.. Christmas.. she would visit… and she would take everyone including my little aunt all except me.. those first three years.. how I begged and begged to go with them..
I would cry my little eyes out not fully comprehending the reason she never includes me… my little mind have so many thoughts.. most of which I felt so unloved… so unwanted… so alone.. and I hate the world and everyone in it even my father who never said a thing.. but just allow this treatment towards me…
I became more bitter.. more angry… more distant.. I completely withdrew.. I stop talking… I stayed by myself..
I got even more vulgar with my cussing.. I would adamantly refuses all contacts verbally… which of course always result in scolding and whopping… I would only cry and do it for the worst…
….(ooh man when we are a child we don’t realize how our retaliation only results in affecting us for the worst or that we are only hurting ourselves….)
Because of her treatment towards me … my attitude and behavior only escalated… which results in giving her valid reasons for treating me the way she does… and maan did she takes such joy in mistreating me … I was never included in anything or go anywhere with her…
Her one and only excuse is that… I have a filthy mouth and she doesn’t want to be embarrassed… but… her real reason for being embarrassed is how I looked and how retarded I was… (this is how she always sees me)…..
…..( my father also always sees me as an invalid and was overly protective thinking I wasn’t able to do anything…and I guess would agree that I was somewhatof a retard… I was sick as a baby and I didn’t walk until I was about three... I was always unsteady on my feet.. causing me to fall lot.. I lacked motor skills coordination. Thus causing my clumsiness and awkwardness…)
If only she had stop to realize that it was just me putting a wall up in defense for being totally rejected by everyone…. especially her..
If and when she has to address me.. especially when dad is not around… she was very aggressive and so so impatient.. if I didn’t come fast enough or answer quickly enough.. she would always be so mean…
Only you.. her favorite line… “ it can only be you…” I couldn’t never do or say anything right in her eyes… I was never a big eater and I was very skinny…
She would get so so mad at me for not eating everything on my plate.. “ look at you???!!”… she’d say.. you let people think I am not feeding you and that you live far from the kitchen…
How I miss my mom… why did she have to die??!!! Why am I so unlovable… why am I so ugly.. and weak…??!!! Why can’t she love me too!!!!
I just never realized that I was self destructive with my attitude… with my bitterness.. with my hatred.. with my anger…
I was in constant battle to win favor and grow into her likes.. but.. it was a losing battle because she made up her mind not to like me… so much that nobody in her immediate family knew that I existed…
I just found out that some one has been going in on my stories and choosing the ones that target 🎯 my true life scenarios involving members of my family and purposefully making a fake account on Facebook and forwarding them to the intended party… in the hope of creating some kind of animosity or tension…
I call this Unscrupulous and mean.. my stories or my blog post is my own feelings and is factual events or issues concerning me or who is involved…my blog is not connected to Facebook.. so whoever you might be and whatever motives you may have for doing whatever you are.. you just need to stop..
I publicize my stories because it’s my life… and it’s not intended to be a secret from anyone..so you don’t have to take up on yourself to be my promoter and share them with anyone… and it won’t stop me from writing ✍️ what is close to my heart..
Thank you for creating more views and making my blog posts soar..as a matter of fact I’m earning good income from all this popularity you have so earnestly created…
I am getting a huge feedback and been requested to write more… I’m now in great demand because of your inquisitiveness and because of your unscrupulous disregard for sharing with people who you think would find my stories unjust and undignified …
Unknown to you.. I don’t care 🤷♀️ one iota who reads them because they are factual and true.. and they are my words as how I feel about what affects me and how….
You can therefore continue to make me richer or decline to stop interfering in my personal writing ✍️…
Thank you again for the surge of views and the extra income and the demand for more of my stories…
…… I continued to cookdinner.... shelocked herself in her bedroom… I was really uncomfortable and wish I could leave and go home… my emotions was running high and wild….
I felt guilty and badly for causing her rage… but I had mixed feelings.. the more I think about the conversation.. I come up with the conclusion that I didn’t actually say anything to have cause her reacting in that manner..
And… come to think about it she was very mean and somewhat rude to the point of disrespect… shouldn’t I have reminded her of who she was talking to and asked her to address me with more respect than that..
I didn’t even raise my voice once. I maintain my composure.. why then am I so forgiving and remorseful.. could it be because I’m in her home….
Or..
Is it because she is pregnant..
I find myself very understanding and even compassionate towards her… my throat was tightening up again..and my eyes were filling up with tears.. accidentally spilling down my face..
I think it’s because I liked her so much and I wanted so much to spend this time with her… we don’t really communicate too often and I so much wanted be close with her..
This is a side of her I never saw or known..
So after I finish cooking I thought I would go see if she has calm down and try to break the ice. .. letting her know that I’m not mad.. hoping she would be receptive to my gesture…
But..
She was very cold and distant..and had an negative attitude…
So I just back away disappointingly.. and utter a “OUCH “……
I went to my grandson room… I was not feeling too good and again I wish I could leave… why did I invite my silly ass over… I question myself…
My son came home but I didn’t go out to greet him…
But later on I decided to go and put away the food for the night… she didn’t come out if her room all evening..
John was sitting on the couch and he came in the kitchen to ask me why did I say that to her about her son..
So I had to explain to him the conversation we had that leads up to me mentioning her son to her..
I broke down in the middle of the story and my son..he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions…so he was getting uncomfortable 😣 and asked me to stop… so I did..
I finished up with what I was doing and went back to the room.. I lay there for hours going over and over in my mind the incident that occurred…
She chooses to tell john just the comment I made about her son… shaking my head… and to think of it …..she was the one who said everything she wanted John to believe I said…
I dozed off with tears flowing… I was very hurt for more reasons than one..
I didn’t get up with my grandson that morning….but after they left For school I got up.. got ready.. pack my belongings.. and decided to go sit outside in the backyard until my son wakes up…
She was on the couch.. I shouted , ” good morning 😃☀️🌞 Megan “….
I didn’t get a reply.. so as I was passing to go through the door to the backyard.. I asked,
” are you okay today??….”
She replied very sarcastically and very nonchalantly ..
“As good as I’m going to be “….
I replied.. “that’s good “….
I sensed her indifference and her detachment… so I just leave her alone..
Maan… everyone treats me like the stepchild in my home… especially when it comes to the kitchen….
I cook.. and I have to do the dishes and pots and floors… I do allow this treatment to an extent because I realize that complaining or asking for help doesn’t actually have any effect…
But…
I do get so annoyed sometimes to the point of anger…and sometimes lash out verbally in a belligerent attitude…
And they will take heed and wash their own dishes for a day but it never lasted more than a day…
So I keep on acting the part of a live in maid.. consoling myself with the thought that….it’s my choice and it’s my kitchen so I have to keep it clean…
Some days I am so ambivalent… and cannot make up my mind about deciding how to deal with it all…
I go through my emotions quietly because I tend to get very aggressive and say things which causes a negative reaction…
I think of leaving for a while…
But I fear what would take place when I’m gone. I would come back to a messy house…I also know that I would not be completely comfortable anywhere else.. for too long…
So I needed a solution… and nothing is coming through to me..
And I only make matters worse when I took in my niece and nephew… they only add to my distress..
Because they just follow suit and I get stuck with additional work…
I get really flustered sometimes and a little frustrated… and I’m trying not to act petty with being vindictive like.. not cooking… or just leave the sink full of dirty dishes..
Nah… I couldn’t sleep if I know that the kitchen is untidy… and I would feel super guilty to know they are hungry….
I just can’t win for losing….
Guess only option is to continue being the stepchild in this home… and get on with my Cinderella role…😊☺️😌
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