There is a kind of thrill… that comes with intriguement …mixed with a surge of excitement.. when you connect with someone from around the globe…
You get to learn so much.. from their language..to their culture.. their historical facts.. first handed… and then you learn everything there is about that one person you are connecting with…
No matter the platform of communicating.. in the beginning.. it fun to talk and learn… the more you connect the more you know each other as is… you figured out there personality and sometimes you find you have this strong connection…
And if you fall for someone’s personality… then you definitely fall for them.. looks is never important when you like someone for their personality..
But…
What destiny was it that pull you together… and make your world collided…how did you happen to cross paths… that allows such a beautiful connection…
Of course it’s not everyone you meet this way… is going to have this results or affects you in the same way…
But…
On rare occasion someone finds this connection.. and over time . It is proven that words and sharing.. is a powerful magnet… and before you know it.. you are emotionally invested… with someone you don’t even know on a personal level….
And when the heart chooses to get involved… it becomes a huge challenge emotionally…. and here is where the fantasy world begins….
How do you stay logical and practical.. and realistic…
Especially if there is no hope of a real relationship to materialize… yet letting go or walking away is not an option… because just the thought of stopping communication and breaking connection causes excruciating pain.. and you know it would be devastating….
How long is this fantasy gonna last before one of the party losses interest…
We get so caught up living in our fantasy world.. that we begin to believe in it… we tried to hold on to it like a lifeline… so blinded to the true fact of the matter… that none of this is real unless you both decided to make it so..
No relationship can survive in fantasy land… yes two words can collide.. and you experience serendipity…
But ..
Unless you both make it real by Uniting.. be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before this fantasy world collapses. And crumbles…
HEART CRUMBLING…
Leaving you with only memories of yesterday… wondering what happened to the love you knew…. a connection based on fantasy will never survived…
That broken heart 💔 is very real though… it comes with intensity…. and you are crushed just the same… your heart doesn’t know distances… the love you feel is real and genuine…
LOST LOVE 💕
So you just have to remain realistic… be practical… and exercise some logics… don’t go expecting the impossible… when it’s way beyond your control…
In all my adult life.. all the connections I have form.. have ended with a broken heart 💔….
Rejection is one emotions… I became familiar with…. I have cried many a tears .. after being crushed by a lover… I have experience excruciating pain… from being rejected..
CRUSHED
Rejection.. brings and conjured up so many negative thoughts … feelings… and emotions… especially when you are totally invested emotionally….
For some reason… I will be the perfect girl.. until I’m face with rejection. I have never learnt how to deal with this one emotion..
My first reaction is is to run.. get away from the person and the source..I get discouraged… I withdraw in a shell… I become timid. Unsure.. I lose my confident composure..
I get scared of losing.. but don’t know how to hold on… I’m always ready to run…. I pull away.. I stop communicating.. afraid of the answers to any questions I may asked….
What do don’t know won’t hurt you..
What the eyes don’t see…. the heart won’t leap…( get hurt 😢)
All my life… I yearned for someone to love me.. just love me unconditionally ..
Okay .. got married three times.. all ended for some reason or another..
Had a few flings in between and after… nothing permanent…after all fails …..
I decided to try online… I mess up here too.. my first time was a big disaster… the second.. third.. ect.. was not better… still come away with a broken heart…
WORLD APART
I found I have a way with words….. i could use my words to persuade any situation… when I started online… I had many admirers who genuinely likes me… because of what I have to say…I guess I didn’t know the power of my words … and what a huge impact they have…I tried to control the connections until my heart decided to step and get involved…
I find it very hard to keep my emotions out of the equation… I easily catch feelings… I’m always so vulnerable… even though it’s not on a personal basis.. it just virtual.. I struggle to maintain a causal connection… at first I thought I was able to do this without becoming emotionally involved… but before long…I prove myself wrong…
I decided I’m no good at this so I gave it up.. before I had completely dissolved my accounts..I had this one guy that I really liked.. and he said he likes me too…
He suggested we switch corresponding platforms and I agreed.. then he asked me to be exclusive to him.. I again agreed…
I was not having much of fun anymore anyways… and I really like this guy… he was not a fake.. he is as real as they come .. and he communicate with me everyday and he always responded to me no matter what…
I love this and the attention it creates..I really believed he likes me… he started to share his world with me.. so much I grew accustomed to talking to him everyday…
Before I know it .. 7 years has passed… nothing has changed.. except.. for some unknown reasons.. my feelings began to escalate… I realized I’m demanding more of him… yet most days He spent talking to as I wake up and reach out to him.. till he goes off to sleep..
He never ignores me… but I find myself doubting him… for no apparent reason….I’m getting so insecure… and me .. I’m so crazy… expecting him to sit on that phone and talk to non stop…
OThere is .. 4500 miles between us…he has a complete life.. he is not lacking in any department..
He has his family.. and he’s very much involved in their lives.. he got his job.. his friends. His hobbies..
And he has me.. and maybe. Others… an online connection… why he choose to continue to talk to me and share his world… I really don’t know..
But.. I’m not even someone to him..
I’m something.. a connection from another continent.. who thinks he’s most perfect man.. who value all his suggestions.. lessons.. listen intently to his stories and believe every word he said without query… who gets involved in his hobbies… I’m his biggest fan..
I’m not a permanent fix in his life.. I’m not essential to him. I don’t add anything to his life.. he already has it all..
So if I’m not there anymore.. it will never affect him… he can easily cut ties without a second thought…
And this is what hurts so bad… to know he doesn’t need me…
on the flip-side. There stands me..
I’m single… kids grown.. retired ..not much friends.. zero hobbies… so I look to him for entertainment.. I Cling to him for emotional support…. I need him to brighten my day…to give me something to look forward to…. I crave his attention.. I get so involved in his world and his hobbies just so I can stay connected to him….
So now I’m left to step way back and suppressed all this romantic emotions that I choose to develop .. creating the emotional havoc on my heart…. I need to back off and drop it all if I want to continue connecting with him…
Because he’s practical enough to know that this is just friendship. It can not be anything else so why start something that could never materialized….
Yess .. I’m overreacting.. I’m overthinking.. I’m crossing all kinds of unnecessary lines…
He spent hours on the phone with me.. and I’m so selfish that I doubt him or thinks he is ignoring me.. when he is not online… as if he has no life outside me or his phone..
I’m just fortunate that he loves his phone so much… he like addicted.. and so to be honest.. I abuse this… but I have to learn to give him space..
Yes my heart is breaking.. but I’m the one who is solely responsible this time…
I didn’t heard from him all week. I was thinking all kind of negative thoughts. I thought no call… no text. No surprise here… He got the money and some loving, so I’m all forgotten.
With No communication I sarcastically Guess he’s too busy to think of me. I pay big for the lesson .. you can’t buy friendship…I Still means nothing to him, not even as friends. All that speech I gave him about keeping me close only last as long as it takes to get the funds he was after…
By the end of the week I gave up hearing from him…Still nothing from him.. he went silent again… So much for our deal, I thought..I’m the only one that wants friendship so badly that I have to pay for it.
I asked myself…Why do I feel that it is so important to be his friend that I had to pay down on it? Well! It’s obvious that he is not interested in being friends.. The only time he really stop to think of me is when he needs a cash cow… someone to use for his financial needs….
It does still bothers me that to know that he can come and love me like he does and then just walk away without a second thought…. how can a man be that cold that he can separate his feelings from intimacy…
His kisses and his loving tells me some thing completely different ..he gives me his all without reservations…
But.. it’s all a act… and I’m left confused and trying to console myself.. trying to find any little reason to convince myself that he likes me even a little bit….
It didn’t take me too long to resume back to the attitude of letting go… I developed the attitude of “whatever”… It’s been going on so long repeatedly that I kinda got used to his behaviour… I decided to carry on as is and wait until he decided to come looking for me…
I didn’t try to contact or reach out to him like I used to do.. I now know that this is his game… and he will just ignored my text messages.. and I’m tired of feeling rejected by him….
Occasionally when I get up to get ready for work I would send a goodnight text messages.. sometimes I would receive a short response ..and I would smile… but I never tried to start a conversation.. and he never offers…
After a couple weeks have passed.. I began to feel for the need of him.. I was itching for some of his loving and I secretly hope to hear from him… I was more than tempted a few times to reach out as I did in the past.. but I resisted..
I would just indulge in some self love.. while I visualized him making love to me.. and surprisingly it would ease and my pent up raging desires..
Just the thought of him and the memories of our sexual encounters would always heightened my whole body with a deep burning desire that leaves me so stimulated that I couldn’t resist but give kitty some petting to stop her from twitching and pulsating with the wants of him….
To my pleasure and delight.. a couple weeks later…I received a text messages asking me if I had work that night … I responded .. letting him know I did … it was kinda late … just a couple hrs before I had to get up…so him coming by would not be … so when he asked if he can come by.. I simply told him I have to get some sleep for work…
He did not mention any need for money.. and I was puzzled that he wants to come by… just because….I was a little disappointed that I had work…. so much I thought of calling in sick… but I refuse to allow myself to always be at his disposal…
All night I thought of him.. though…my mind and heart and kitty was at war…. and at times I wished I had called off and have him over.. so we could a repeat another night of passion… I had the chance but I blew it…. I knew there might not be another chance again…
I went home next day still with the feeling of regret that I didn’t grab the opportunity to enjoy him one more time… but…he again surprised me with a phone call that day… letting me know that that he was in studio and he was just thinking of me .. he asked how I was doing.. I apologize for the previous night.. and he assured me it was all good … and he will get me next time…
I smiled.. and chuckles a little… I told him I would love that and ask him not to wait too long…. he giggled in humor and promised me that he won’t…
We ended our conversation .. I was left with a very warm feeling that travels to some really interesting places…. I was smiling and hoping that he lived up to his promise.. I again realized that he didn’t asked for any financial assistance… and this pleases me..
Hmm .. could it be that he just wanted to see for sexual favors… is he really wanting me sexually.. without me suggesting it….I laughed out loudly… thinking.. yess … yess.. yesss. He likes me…
The following day I was off and I sit there with sweet thoughts him playing in my mind .. making my heart do somersaults… which sent electrical jolts to travel downwards and stop right between my thighs.. that sent shivers down my spine.. causing kitty to get all excited …
Now with kitty affected .. I was losing control.. so I decided to send him a text with the hopes to convince to come on over and make kitty happy…. I live to please her….
He answers.. I asked him if he okay.. trying to lead up to the point of requesting his presence… but he saved me the effort by asking me if I had work that night… I quickly told him I’m off.. and to my greatest pleasure he invited himself over… without hesitation I excitedly asked him how soon can he get here…
He quickly said.. “ I’m on my way “…
Of course I was overjoyed. And I quickly went took me a shower.. put on my best and sexist negligée… I splashed some nice smelling perfume on.. put on a little lip gloss…. I was just getting my bed all neat and nice when he rang my doorbell….
I went to let him in.. and as soon as I open the door I let out a most joyful squeal and jumped up on him with legs wrapped around his waist and flung my arms around his neck … it took him by surprise that he slightly stumbled and had to step quickly backwards to regain his balance…
I was kissing his face and just hugging him tightly… he jokingly said… easy tigress, let me get inside first.. he walked in closed the door.. with me still clinging to him… he slowly ease me down to the floor.. took my hand in his and ushered me along.. saying ,
“ come on my little vixen….” I giggled 🤭.. and said.. I’m all kinds of exotic animal tonight, eh????!!!He looks down on me.. smiling.. and pulled me to him and whispered in my ear as as kissed my neck..” uhhuh…
I just melt into his arms.. throw my head backwards. Giving him all access to lay his sweet kisses…he gently ease me onto the bed… and I found his lips with mine and kissed him ever fervently . He matches my zealousness… he rolled me over to straddle him as he lay on his back…
I pulled his shirt over his head.. and as he allowed me to he whispered softly.. in his sexy husky voice…love me hun…
I smile at him kiss him again on those voluptuous lips.. he kissed me very intensely as he held the back of my head, running his hand occasionally through my hair as he let out soft moans…
I moved down to his neck …., loving on him as he urges me to….sliding my body to align with his.. as I kissed his neck I gravitate my hips against his hard throbbing bulge… I slid in an up and down motion on that bulge.. as he reached down to caress my buttocks…
It was straining against his pants… so he started to undo his belt.. I slid off the bed.. as he kicked off his shoes… and I helped him out of his pants… I decided to stay where I am .. I kneel on the floor between his legs .. took him in my hand.. as I licked at it slowly.. running my tongue all the way to the shaft and back upward to find the tip again… I used the flat of my tongue to slid a few more times up and down…
He one hand on my shoulder and the next on top of my head… as he was reciting his favorite words of pleasure… shiit .. shitt.. shitt.. ooh yes . Yess . That s it baby…
Next thing I know I was on the bed . As he position me on my knees… he made one fast and hard move and he was inside my dripping soaking wet kitty…,
he pounded me fiercely bringing me to the heights of ecstasy as he pumped me full of his hott spunk… I was flat on my tummy then… with him on my back.. both of us drenched in each other sweat… as we catch our laboring breath….
I jokingly said to him.. “ my lovelove.. that was most invigorating…“
He just responded with a “ yup “…. sounding very proud indeed..
We lay there for few more minutes until we regain normal breathing.. kitty was still twitching a little .. he moved off me and lie on his back.. I turned around and took his hard , move his fingers to touch kitty.. hoping for him to bring her again to an orgasm….
He moved his hand away ever so swiftly.. and said.. “eww…” I laugh and ask him what’s wrong..
He had this look of disgust on his face as he said..
“ hun… that’s sperm.. go get cleaned up…”.. I started to laugh out really hard… as I said to him . It’s your sperm silly… I swiped a little from my legs and teasingly ask him if he wants a taste.. .
His reaction was so humorous… he got up quickly.. pulling me towards the bathroom as I was dying with laughter.. he turned on the shower and said.. “ wash yourself off..”
I couldn’t stop laughing.. I was so tickled…
I came out wrapped in towel.. and saw him smoking a cigarette… looking very relaxed… I sat down beside him.. gently rubbing his beautiful chest with my hand.. I said to him,,
All cleaned”… as I bent to place a few kisses on that irresistible chest… he looked at me and just flashed me a smile… then he did something that really made me blush… he gently touched my cheek .. and softly caress it with the back of his fingers…. I leaned my head onto those fingers.. close my eyes enjoying his touch… I then feel him cup my face with both hand pulling me towards him as he rises his face to meet mine…
He gently kisses me and softly whisperers…
“ I needed that so much… thank you !!!”
I eagerly return his kisses …smile and hugged him to me and he returned my hug with a squeeze …
I was very happy to be with him sharing this tender moment….While he is here with me nothing else or nobody else matters. I savor and enjoy him as much as I can.
Sometimes I can’t believe how much joy I derived from this one guy….
He stayed for most of the night… we made Love again.. and I fell asleep in the crook of his arms.. I woke up cradled by him in a spooning position…
I turn around and wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest as I inhaled his scent and relished his warmth….I woke him up… with my movements and he returned my hug as he apologetically said he has to go..
I reluctantly let him go.. he got up .. got dressed.. as I watched him .. and begging him to stay the rest of night…
He bent over kiss me.. and said he can’t.. I got up and walked him to the door… there he gives me a huge hug , kisses me ever so sweetly.. let me go and whispered.. see you soon…
I watched him drive away.. and I smile with pleasure.. I was beaming with joy.. MYLOVELOVE Came.. stayed a little..loves me a lot… I was again totally in love … and very gratifyingly fulfilled…
So my fears and my insecurities were valid….I struggled so much with myself about confronting him about my doubts and my suspicions… and now I’m left wishing I did .. me trying to stay logical and calm .. not wanting to create any negativity…
In my head I was thinking it’s not worth losing this connection with him… I’ll continue conversing normally… I even asked him.. “ baby… please don’t stop loving 🥰 me!!!????”
He replied.. “ I will not baby…!!!”
I thank him for his reassurance and briefly let him know the fears I have been having of losing him and his love….
How I’m wishing I had address my fears at least I would have known why…..no matter how broken hearted it would have left me…
Because…
Yesterday I told him good night. And I leave him alone to sleep… come midnight when it is his morning.. I noticed he’s not online as usual… so I figured he called off work since he hurt his thumb yesterday…
Busted his thumb..
So I decided to wait a couple hours or so to write to him thinking he’s still asleep…
I was still up at 2 am… 9 his time.. and although I still didn’t see his presence online.. I thought I would send him a message before I dozed off…
And to my horror… I realize that my message was not being delivered…so I checked into it.. while becoming frantic with fear that I actually lost him for real…
The next couple of hours I was filled with anxiety.. and a dreadful sense of lost.. my heart was racing and felt like it was wrenched out….knowing I have no way of connecting to him…. I started to panic.. so much that I had to talk myself out of it…
I keep asking myself.. how can he be so mean to me.. why couldn’t he just let me know he lost his desire to stay connected… yes I would be crushed.. to the point of devastation.. but at least I would get to say goodbye ….. I tried to sleep.. but couldn’t.. each time I close my eyes I developed a panic attack… I was up all night.. didn’t exactly know what to do..
I called him straight it went to voice mail. I called him on discord.. I called him .. however fruitless it was… on WhatsApp… I was a complete mess…
I tried to stay calm .. and not going into a frenzy .. my whole world was unraveling… my heart was smashed… I love that man.. I grow so in love with him.. and now I’m gonna lose him… I was so sure…we would never say goodbye….
7 years… talking everyday…. how am I going to get past it.?????
At about 9 am I got a text message from him.. letting me know that he left his phone at home.. I did not reply immediately…
I went on a couple of hours later.. and type his name… his response was so harsh???
“ what??!!!
How could I text you when I didn’t have my phone…”
I was tempted to tell him I know that he actually blocked me….. and I wanna comment on his very angry 😤 attitude… but why add fuel to the flames… so I simply told him that I do understand …meaning… that he left his phone at home….
He was off somewhere.. not responding.. I kinda figured that he’s using a different app to communicate with his new flame… so I continue to write…
“
But maaan.. I was really beside myself. I really thought you blocked my number”…..
“Baby.. Would you like to stop connecting with me.???!!!..” I asked…
“Tell me honestly if you lost all joy with me… Would you rather me not communicating so much..
Talk to me baby… I will understand
We have been together for 6 to 7 years now . And maybe you no longer see my friendship as needed anymore…
I would very devastatingly crushed but I will understand..
I know you may also have found someone new and much more exciting to communicate with online…
All I’m asking is for you to tell me..
I never wanted to lose you and your friendship.. you are become such an important part of my world.. But I may not be able to give you all the pleasures you need from this connection….
Please talk with me.. because I have noticed how distant you are of late and I felt you drifting away.. and I feel like I’m being a nuisance sometimes….
So please , please baby.. talk to me..
This is all we have between us…”
He came back on half an hour later… and said.. “ you are not…. stop being crazy…”.
He was so evasive .. he didn’t even comment on anything I said…. he purposely avoided it all.. so I just played his game…. and reply quite coyly …
“Okay 👌 baby enough said.. It’s just so many things and thoughts went through my mind this morning.. moving forward…”
He responded with great lack of interest….”💋💋💋”
Those kisses always means that he’s really too busy with something else to be bothered…
I went on to ask about his sore thumb…. it is as if it hurts him to talk to me…
One word.. hurts…he sent e pic of his site… of course it’s the one he took for her…to show her while he communicate at work… she’s getting all my attention that was mine just last week….
I made a couple comments in reference to it… and his response was so evasive.. “ yup”..
SPICY CHICKEN WITH CREAM SPINACH….
He then sent me pics of what he was cooking… and I just played along pretending that everything is the same .. he sent the duration of his preparation with me.. and kept communicating until he finished his last bite…
HIS LAST BITE…
I made a statement that he must be so full and that he needs to fully relaxed because it’s well deserved….. and that was it… he left WhatsApp and never came back on..
About four o’clock.. I sent a goodnight text just to see if he blocked me again or not… I was not… but I know it was just too early for him to sleep.. so I know exactly where he was…
I was hurting so much. So I called everyone that was available to talk with me just so to distract my disturbing thoughts… I could feel the tears threatening to overflow.. but I refuse to give in to them…
He was never mine to have…although I was so enjoying our connection….he’s so cold to me now..I tell myself… I should walk away… but Im going to patiently give me a week or so to figure out my next move…. hopefully by then.. my heart will learn to accept my loss… and hopefully grows a callus…
Gonna miss the color he brought into my life .. but most of all I’ll miss my friend… we are never promised one more day or night…remember baby.. there will never be another you.. another me… another life for us to see…. to give each other all we did…time goes by so fast.. I want to make each moment last…. I wanted to hold on to you.. and show you all that our love 💕 could be…. I can’t and won’t let go so easily… THERE WILL NEVER BE…ANOTHER YOU…ANOTHER ME…
I’m trying so hard to be understanding… trying so hard to hold onto him… but as usual I never learn how to deal with rejection…all of a sudden I’m shy… so afraid of the answers I might get if asked…
I’m trying to give him space… trying to be patience.. but I’m so fearful of the outcome that’s awaiting me…
This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…
After he died;
Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:
SEE ME:
What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking, when you look at me?
A cranky old man, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”
Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.
And forever is losing… a sock or a shoe?
Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open you eyes, nurse. You’re not looking at me.
I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now, a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other, with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me, to see that I don’t mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play ’round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years, and the love that I’ve known.
I’m now an old man, and nature is cruel,
It’s jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,
And now and again, my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living, life over again.
I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people, open and see:
Not a cranky old man,
Look closer, see ME!”
Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesn’t see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesn’t cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.
For the last 35 years I have lived in a household where I’m outnumbered by the male species.. my world was surrounded with all the men in my life…
I was blessed with two boys… I had always wanted a girl… how I would love to have had a daughter to be best friends with.. and share that special bond that I see moms and daughter share….
I love my boys.. I got so much joy raising them.. and I wouldn’t change one day with them… but… I just needed that girl to complete my world..
When my older son started to have children he ended up with three boys… I again have more than my share of boys.. and not a girl in the midst… I was begging him and his wife to consider trying one more time for the girl… and I was giving up hopes of ever getting a little girl to pamper and dress 👗 up in all these pretty dresses and cute outfits…
My younger son finally got pregnant 🤰 and was due with a baby girl… but his fiancé is from a different states and my dreams was dashed when they decided to go back to her home town to have his daughter..
I was so heartbroken 😔 and sad 😞… that I was losing the chance of having my my first granddaughter around…
I was sure I had lost my son too… and for those four months they stayed away I anguished over my lost…
But…
Things played in my favor… when they needed a babysitter and I was very much availablebecause I was a retiree…
When they asked… however cold and contemptuous …. it may have been…( she texted.. “will you look after the baby while we go to work “)
No hello… we are planning on coming home… bla bla bla. Just straight to asking…. I had to read between the lines….
But…
I was so happy 😁 to know that they are taking my granddaughter home to me that I just simply ignore the coldness of that text and without a second thought or a even a slight hesitation… I quickly assure her that with an absolute yes…
“Please.. and when are you guys coming.. “ I asked..
I could hardly contain my emotions.. I was so so excited…
And so I got my lani at 2 months to present… the profound joy I have had the last year and a half is unexplainable.. she became the highlight of my existence… I’m always in awe of her progress and find so much joy in how very smart she is…
As I watched her get older and smarter I get a sense of pride…. feelings so close to her that I find myself so Intune and so connected to her emotions…
We read… we write and color….we play… we eat… we laugh.. we have fun together… she is my little buddy… my days became consumed with her…
Everything takes second place…
But…
Again As she gets older though …I know I’m about to lose her … because I have a condition with limitations that don’t allow me to be able to continue taking care of her…. she is growing out of my limits…
I take consolation though… in receiving this gift to fulfill my dream and no matter how short lived it may be… I got me the daughter I so longed for…
Life really gives beautiful gifts…
It gives me this most precious angel 😇 sent from heaven for me to enjoy… and enjoy her I did… to the fullest….
And to make life even sweeter… eighteen months later I got me my second most adorable 😍 granddaughter LENA….
What more is there to ask for… my world is finally in completion…
We were doing well until about two months down the line.. you see Cory has his own preferences and likes… and he confided in me these things…
I indulge him when he first told me… we all have something we are into that’s our personal secrets..
So I understood this and let him go on about it.. I even encouraged him and give him room to express his feelings… I joked with him and entertained his habits even it was not something I particularly find joy in…
After a while when I realize that he chooses to share much too often these likes with photos…videos… or little jokes which tickles him …. but actually annoys me or as much as repulse me .. I asked him kindly not to share anymore with me because I don’t enjoy them …
He agrees but he continues to send them to me… so on this particular day he sent me some photos which he finds very interesting… and I guess amusing…
I said to him…
” Cory I Don’t find joy in these photos.. please stop sending me them”…
It was a text message…
Maan…. did he get upset…
He started to call me selfish and controlling….and claimed that he would never tell me to stop sending him photos even if he doesn’t like them..
He proceeded to call me 🤙 directly and we ended up in an heated argument … me being very belligerent and him criticizing my character.. trying to tell me how I am and how I like to control things.. I
I even reminded him of an incident where he did not like a inspirational video I sent because he had very different opinions and views about these kinds of videos….
We did have a discussion about it with me trying to convince him to see it through my eyes… and I had to end up accepting defeat and I promise him I will not share anymore of these kind of videos with him…
And I didn’t anymore…
I totally disagree with the fact that I am controlling and telling I own my right to choose what I like or don’t…
We were talking verbally and I’m very weak in conversation verbally… especially when I’m getting angry…
I ask him why is he attacking my character and why is he questioning my morals and dignity…
He continues to say how very selfish I am and how I am ; giving me all kinds of examples from our pass conversations…
So after I realize I’m here trying to justify my self and trying to explain too much to him .. just because I asked him not to send me those pics…
I hung up with him…
After I calm down a little.. I sent him a text asking him to let’s move past this topic seeing that we have established what I am and who I am…
He responded back .. agreeing to do so…
I did not hear from him the next few days.. he ignored all my text messages .. so I give a couple more days and send him another text…
I asked him if his lack of communication means that our friendship is over… he responded back that we have nothing to talk about unless I call him directly without the texting mode…
To be honest I was kinda annoyed with his attitude… so I told him I will call him another day…
And I told him I hope we can move on with our friendship as is .. and put all this stuff behind us…
He again tells me it’s just me trying to control everything and it’s only about what I want… he said he is not finished with our conversation as yet..
oooh boy!!!(sigh)…..
I just texted ok..
And stop …
After two days I decided to call him like he requested.. and it wasn’t long before we ended up back where we left off..I tried my best to explain and begging 🥺 him to just drop it.. because I don’t see the sense in us arguing about a subject that has no relevance to what started the whole thing.. me asking him to stop sending me those pictures….
But he just wouldn’t let go.. and then he mentioned that he was not the only one that thinks I’m controlling…
Now this started a whole new argument…because I got really upset asking him who is The others… because there is no others in our circle…
So after a few minutes of debating on that and I came up with the conclusion that the other can only be ABBEY…. she is our only mutual connection… I ended our conversation again…
Of course this really did not go well with him…but I cannot have a reasonable discussion when I’m upset….
so I sent him another text message pleading with him to let get past this phase and move forward….
He was at all receptive to this suggestion because he said we have unfinished topics…
So I let another couple days go by before I attempt again to resume our communication… he also refused to connect with me…leaving me thinking that he was waiting on me to make the first move….
I really didn’t want us to end on this note or was I willing to give up on our friendship; and so I try to be the more mature one and make that attempt to resolve our differences…
However before I call I sent him a text stating that I really want to move beyond our dispute … asking him to let’s leave it where it is…
He somehow agrees and so I called…
The conversation started on a very good note…and we talked about other subjects until he decided he wanted to mention something pertaining to the past conversations..
I allowed him.. thinking I’m going to stay as calm as I can and try to see if I can answer his questions and move away from it..
But.. again it spiral out of control and he made comments that really irks me… and I couldn’t get him to change the subject so I abruptly hang up… i was very mad at him and myself for allowing him to get me to this point..
And so I send him this last text….
“I have had enough of your questioning of me..
I think it’s time for me to exit on this relationship we call friendship…
I can’t do this anymore..
You obviously can’t accept me as is and so you have the choice not to…
It was good while it lasted
I’m just too old to be trying to explain myself and justify me to ya..
We were just friends…
Not enough for you to convict me and crucify me for being me…
Goodbye 👋 Cory.
I hate how you twist everything around to suit you
And contradicts yourself.
Just so you can pin me in a corner..
You
Just pushed me over the edge…
So you just killed me with everything we were….
You win
You successfully destroyed me.. and our friendship..”
I know I was very impulsive but I just had about enough of those irrelevant subject…
So I thought I would give him a break for us to forget all this nonsense…
I know my text sounded final.. but I’m hoping I can resume connection after some time have passed…
…… the first year went by with us enjoying conversing and sharing our lives together…
Both of us uses each other as someone to tell everything to without reservations knowing it’s just between us… we have no other connection to anyone in our circle…
OR….
This is how I view it and why I willingly confess to so much of my personal experiences… I speak freely of everyone.. my sisters ; my sons ; my friends.,..
I was thinking my feelings of distaste for them and my negative thoughts won’t cause no harm because they have no chance of ever knowing or hearing what I say or how I feel .. Cory isn’t a part of my immediate surroundings.. and some of these conversations is not for the people in question ears…. it not that it’s a secret or is it malicious in any way..
It’s just a matter of sparing feelings of hurt 😞 if told…
No one knows him.. and he knows no one…
so I vent and gripe my grievances to him freely and easily without guilt knowing it’s just between us..
We became so close ;we form a very strong bond that I even surprised myself of just how close we have grown….
And when I decided to help my ex friend abbey….
He was more than willing to help me with my campaign of helping abbey … because he saw how passionate I was to her cause…
I was very touched that he stood by me and decided to help me help her along.. I thought… only a true friend would do this kind of thing… and I admire him for it… and I hold him in very high esteem… his generosity was far and beyond…
And I was very flattered when he choose to prove his faithful friendship by doing something so out of the ordinary…
And when he sent me that voice mail I saw it as a act of loyalty to me…
I didn’t look at it.. in the sense of him deceiving her trust.. he was after all my friend…
What is two months compared to two years…???! So I didn’t hold it against him… as a matter of fact.. I thank him for letting me see her for who she was and how she actually view me as a friend…
He had some regrets after I ended my friendship with her… he didn’t anticipated me making that choice… I assured him he just opened my eyes to her true nature…
All those years I was thinking that we had a concrete bond of friendship… I just come to realize that I was just fooling myself…
Cory and I we talked for hours about it all.. me trying to understand how I never saw that side of her..Cory he just listened while I tried to make sense of it….
That the kind of friend he was.. after I think I got it all out and no more was left to be said… I asked him to not mention her name to me anymore and I will also refrain from talking about her too…
I figured they would still stay in contact and I didn’t want to have anything to do with their relationship….
and he agreed.. we continue with our friendship as is .. moving forward and beyond that episode..
But…
I never forget how he proves his faithfulness to me…
I first met Cory when he likes my stories I put out… he was in awe of my writing especially because they were non- fiction…
He quickly became one of my number one fan… and would always hold lengthy conversation with me with very positive comments…
I was going through a rough period in my personal life and I was in jeopardy of losing my home.. I decided to create a GoFundMe account to try to get some help from friends and relatives …
when I posted the GoFundMe campaign Cory was one of the very first to make a. Donation… so I thank him.. he had lots of questions…and because of its personal nature ..instead of discussing it publicly with him..
I decided to send him my personal email address..
We communicate this way for a while… he has lots of questions both about the GoFundMe campaign and about my stories.
I eagerly indulge him and answer all his questions without reservations…he was easy to talk to and not before long we exchanged phone numbers…
He was in Louisiana and I am in Florida.. our friendship begins to grow rapidly..
So we became close in a blaze of glory..(fast and hard)…
We became phonepals..and began to talk daily about everything and anything…
I eagerly shared my life stories with him both present and past… I thought he was a good confidant seeing that he was a neutral position…. he is not connected to anyone else in my surroundings..
I’m older than he is so he kinda used me for advice on his love life and some of his personal issues…
I obliged willingly and I was enjoying this connection and full of gratitude for his generosity as a friend.. I consider myself blessed… to have cross paths with him…
As the month past by he became a part of my daily life .:. He was so much so…. my son started to tease me about him …making little silly remarks such as ..
” mommy got herself a boyfriend… 😂 haha 🤣 ”
He used to call me to give me his agenda .for the day… share his work and social life with me on a daily basis ….
I always receive it quite pleasantly and enjoy the little chitchat….
We continue with this relationship for apx two years…
He became a important part of my life..he picked up a job out of state which pays him quite good… and he actually shared his wealth with me.. topping me up on many occasions… one month he gives me $500… to cover some shortages I have financially…
I felt very appreciative but it leaves me a little guilty.. and Cory didn’t think twice about helping me like this…
He is a very special guy.. and so I tried to keep him close..
However Cory possesses a few attitude that I find a little annoying..
Such as .. he likes to dig very deeply into everything… and he contradicts himself all the time… he also has a habit of using what I told him …..as a confidant or things I would gripe about.. personal stuff I would voluntarily tell him because I thought he was neutral in the situation …. and throw it back in my face to try win an argument..
He would also repeat things I have already told him and he wants me to go over again with the same story… he would also analyze everything and draw his own conclusions and try to convince me he is right about how he interpreted it…
…. he has proven right on a few occasions… and I would say it to him… but he always wanted me to see things in his way….
Sometimes I would try to be patronizing and agree with him… but when I refused to see it his way it would cause an argument…
he makes very poor choices in women..and his only interest is sexual.. he never had a serious relationship and his choices in mate is never girlfriend material…
What I love about him though..is…
He is always calm…never gets rattled no matter how irritated 😣 and infuriated I get.. I would be shouting and getting boisterous … but he would never lose his composure or his cool… it is an characteristic trait I always admire and would loved to possess…
He has a very kind heart…and is very empathetic… and he is a very loyal friend…he is a good listener ( sometimes) he is always honest with me. And always tell me the truth about everything….
Cory isn’t perfect …and I had accept him for who he is and over the months of knowing him I grew to love him dearly…
Our friendship took off in a “A BLAZE OF GLORY “…..
She disappoint me with her response.. I wanted her just say to me…
“Wendy I don’t like that you are asking Cory for money for me…please don’t or please stop…”
Anything that will counteract her voice call to Cory… I would have understood her feelings knowing her as the friend she is…
So I really became upset thinking she really was trying to ruin my reputation and discredit me to Cory… without even giving me credit for trying to help her…I shook my head and made the only choice I think was appropriate…
Walk away from this friendship.. so I decided to send her another text.. I didn’t even want to talk to her..I was done …
”
“Well Abbs..
I guess it takes me almost 40 years to figure out that you are not truly for me…
I’m very disappointed 😔 that this friendship was not as real to you as it was for me..
I really thought I was doing everything I can to help a friend in need..
and I centered my help around you…
And you go and discredit me to a dear friend .. a friend who was more than willing to help me help you…
Cory is somewhat of a special person… but I’m afraid o
From where I’m standing..
I see ingratitude..
I see false pride..
I see you don’t see All the effort I have been making to help you stay afloat ….
But I don’t need any recognition because I was doing it out of loyalty and as a friend…
I am withdrawing my friendship from you..
I really hoped life treats you well…Abbs
I never thought this how we would have ended our friendship..
But as things stand..
You ended it a long time ago…
And it’s so obvious that you really don’t want my interference in your life or do you need my help…
Goodbye abbey..”
She did respond with a lengthy text wanted to know if she has ever been kind to me.. and playing dumb to my accusations of her discrediting me..
And informing Me of her plans to get her finances in check…never acknowledging my efforts to be of help to her…She mentioned that she was not ungrateful but didn’t actually state for what… and she went on about how Independent she is and how she tries to do for herself…
I didn’t bother to respond to her… I just didn’t see the sense.. the forty years of friendship was not in question.. or was her character….it was all about what she said to Cory in that negative way… I didn’t want to go back in history.. and I didn’t feel like giving her my reassurance of how I hold her in his esteem because of her drive and willingness to do everything it takes to be a better person..
This was my ultimate reason for going to the extreme to try to help her get over this bump/ hurdle… I know she was capable of getting certified so she can be more flexible and versatile in the job market….
I want her to have choices and options…
I thought she understood this when I promised her to help get by until she finished with that course…
it takes just two minutes to completely destroy our lifelong friendship…and it really saddens me to know that she never appreciated all that I have tried to do for her..
And I have done so much over the years… don’t get me wrong..she has done for me too.. I could make a long list of all she did for me…because these are the reasons I value our friendship…and remain friends our the years…
And I thought it goes both ways… I always appreciate her and always was full of gratitude for being her friend…
It really hurt me to know that she didn’t quite feel the same way as I did…
So here goes…
My bestie… until proven not:…
All in all though…
what she did and say did not take away nothing from those forty years we had invested in being friends…
I still value and savor those years…it was a great friendship up until that moment..
It just comes the time to end…
I bid her farewell and wish her the best…
I know I did what I could. . She just mess it all up… without realizing what she really lost…
My son decided to go to West Virginia to be with his girl while she give birth to his baby… and during those months of him being there I didn’t have his financial help so I became a little short on extra cash..
So I slacked off with my monetary help.. Cory However help when he could..
Her course was coming up to the end.. but she was far from getting her certification… and I was still not able to be of much help..
Cory ask for her number said he would like to check in on her personally…and I gave it to him..
He called her and she asked me about his reasons for calling.. I told her he just wanted to say hi and informed her that he was he benefactor the last few months…
Cory used to inform me about their conversations..
But…
Abbey never mentioned Cory to me again since that first time.. I waited for her to tell me that they are connecting and communicating but as time goes on by.. nothing…
I didn’t feel like I should ask her because Cory was letting me know they were.. and I felt she probably had her reasons for not telling me… although I couldn’t but wondering about the secret.
About a week in communicating she hit him up for money..he couldn’t wait to tell me all disappointed that she proves to be like everyone else… using him as a cash cow..
I tried to explain to him that she was desperate and probably didn’t have any one left to ask… seeing that she probably exhausted all her options …
I encouraged him to give it to her if he can afford to.. and he agreed..said that he would.. I know she needed the help…
A month Or two passed and she lost her credit for phone calls… they were corresponding via “WHATSAPP “…and she had to purchase weekly credits… like a top up….so Cory asked me to call her and asked her how much it would cost to get her phone back on.. and also find out how much she needs to get her through the month…
I did ..but I tried to not let on that I know she was asking Cory for money… so I indirectly asked her without giving away what I know…
(I did call her the day before and asked her how she was getting along and asked her if she was getting help from anyone..)
We came up with an amount That seems reasonable and she was worried about if we were asking too much..
I assured her that I knows Cory’s position and have a good idea what he can afford… and even remind her that we are really good and close friends…
So I hang up with her and call Cory to tell him what we came up with…
He said it was okay and that he would let me have it that weekend for her..
So I texted her and give her the info and let her know I will definitely remind him.. she responded by saying thanks..
I woke up to a voice text from Cory..him apologizing to me telling me how he knows exactly how I’m feeling.. I got very curious and went straight to to voice message.. trying to figure out what he’s going on about…
Surprised..!!!! It was a recording of a phone call he got from her…. ouch!!!!
She was telling him that I was very wrong in doing what I’m doing..and that she never asked me to asked him for any money… stating that I do things like this all the time and even mentioned the GoFundMe episode..how it almost damaged our friendship… and she doesn’t like my behavior but don’t want to hurt my feelings…
I really didn’t know how to take it at first….
So I took some time to think about it.. I spoke to Cory ask him what he thinks… and if he thinks there was any validation in what she said… I decided to send her a text with the reminder to Cory like I had promised… hoping she would say to me what she said to him..
I just couldn’t believe she would make such statements against me without letting me know how she felt….So I want to give her that open opportunity to let me know that she doesn’t like what I’m doing…
So I texted her…..
“Hey Abbs..
Just talk to Cory and remind him of that money 💴 he said he would send..
But he’s a a bit busy at work so he said he will get back with me on it later..
Just so you know…
Hope all is well with you…
MY FRIEND…”
Her reply….
“Thanks Wendy, appreciate it.”
Oooh maan..Nope she didn’t appreciate nothing.. she just tried to discredit me to MY Friend
I just couldn’t understand it… this is my best friend.. we share everything together… we talked about everything.. good bad and inbetween…
And Cory is my friend.. I introduced him to her… where is her loyalty…
I know Cory deceived her trust..but she doesn’t even know him well or long enough to call him a friend…
And Cory was very loyal and faithful to me and our friendship… all the wrong she believes I’m doing to her…it’s me trying to help her out financially…
What did I do so wrong..??!!!
In my eyes and in defense…the only crime I committed was trying too damn hard to do right by her…
I went as far as asking my friend to help me help her..
But..
I’m not in her shoes..I can’t see it from her point of view.. and how I wish I asked her why she was so secretive about her communication with Cory… it still puzzled me…
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