ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE: part 4

I was sitting there going over all our conversation for the day; I find my emotions and my fascination for this guy had heightened… and so is all my senses… and I have lied so much and create a this image of me, that is way off the truth and I’m hanging on a limb with no way back except letting go and ending it all…

but… instead I find myself holding on for dear life with the need of wanting some more of him… and consoling myself that I have the control… he gave me that choice.

we had share so much in the few hours we have talked and he again hit on the intimate subject…and because I didn’t trust my reaction and comments which could easily blow my cruel game of being naive and inexperience; I told him the unforgivable lie.. that I was a virgin… I thought this would deter him from bringing up the subject of sex… he was so understanding, but… only serve to peek his interest and make him more intrigued…with me…

I just couldn’t see the damage and wrong choices I was making… I was just blinded by my building desire to stay connected to him and enjoy his company a little more… and as I slowly read back all what we talked about… smiling and feeling pleased with the day and our conversations……

………………………………………………………………………………

Don’t know what I did but, it seems I sent a wink to by accident, because at 10:15 I got a text from him, and I light up; I was so glad that he text me.

Nita … did you just wink at me? He asked.

I said, I don’t know, did I?

Hi beautiful!! What are doing? He asked.

If I did is it bad or good, I ask of him. ‘Watching a movie,’ I told him.

It’s good!’ he told me. ‘I can’t seem to get you off my mind. Been thinking about you since we stop texting it seems. 

I smile…thinking, he is doing exactly what I have been doing…. the funniest thing is… I completely forget that it was not me he was visulizing.. ha-ha

I was thinking, wow he has been reading my mind. 

So I told him, ‘same here, my imagination is going wild.

He laughed, ‘ha-ha,’ and said, ‘perfect! Mine too! We really connected. I haven’t chatted all day like that ever.’

Shaking my head… Me neither… never…

 So I asked him, ‘have you finished with your work?

Yeah,’ he said, ‘I’m just lying in bed winding down… have an early day tomorrow. And then I have to fly to Tampa and Gainesville.’

 I couldn’t even focus on my studying,’ I lied again.

Oh no!!! he exclaimed, ‘but I know the feelings[Symbol]

Well, I better let you get some sleep,’ I told him. Its ok, I will make it back up.

Same here,’ he said, ‘I sure hope you sleep well pretty girl. Goodnight sweetheart! Please don’t let your school work suffer, I am not going anywhere and we will have plenty more of us I think. I am excited for more.’

Oh my goodness….. he is echoing my every thoughts…I can’t even contain my own excitement… and I have this silly smile stuck on my face…

I asked him out of curiosity, ‘do you own your own plane? Then I told him, ‘me too very excited for more.

Yes.’ He answered, ‘it’s a small plane though… nothing great…. I can take you flying one day if you like.’

I would love to,’ I told him.

 Then he compliment me, ‘you always make me smile! I love that we seem to be on the same exact page. It’s really nice… maybe I could pick you up and fly you to cedar key for lunch… that would be a great first date!… do you have a car? He asked of me.

Now I was getting quite nervous, that I begin to shake a little… omg he wants to meet me.. But I’m not Paige… oh sh…t! I’m way over my head with this… and his offer is so enticing and romantic and how I wish I could say yes. I don’t know what to say to him.

Oh my!! I exclaimed,’ I don’t own a car as yet…. Working on it, I told him.

He insisted, ‘could you borrow one to get to the airport so I could pick you up in the plane? It’s just a thought… we can always do this later if you like.

 I was shaking so much because I was lying and playing this stupid game of deception; and I felt like if he knew he would disappear; I was scared of losing him after one day of texting; so incredible, my emotions was already in play, what’s happening here?

So I said. You should see this silly smile on my face; later is better,’ I told him.

I love it! Says he. ‘Later it is pretty girl! No hurry for sure.”

 I try to explain my hesitancy, ‘I’m a little afraid to see you.

I understand and until you are ready there is no pressure ok? He reassured me. ‘I am not going anywhere baby.’

Am afraid of embarrassing myself.’ I told him.

How would you do that? He asked. ‘that’s silly, just be you, I’m super open and can be totally go with the flow; I’m really easy to talk to… you’ll see.’ He kept encouraging me.

Being so naïve,’ I told him.

Wendy… I promise you just have to relax, I will be very easy to talk to.’ He tried to assure me  again.

That’s what you say,’ I tried to argue, ‘but texting is a lot easier than person to person.’

And naïve is sweet and something you should be proud of. And something I will never take for granted or advantage of.. I will respect you more than that ok? He told me.

 I counter with, ‘I need more exposure, right?

and I kept on going… going…going… playing this game ,thinking I have to explain my silly behavior… without realizing exactly how dumb and foolish I am… and that I am only making it worse…

He is still trying to assure me, ‘I know you will be nervous. I understand. But I will help you relax by keeping things easy and simple till you settle in and get comfortable chatting in person. Ok?

And with all that I still counteract him. “I need to get out more” I stated.

And he is so funny with his answer, no; you probably don’t need more, just the right kind. More isn’t always better baby.

And I’m thinking; how does he have all the right words for everything; he just keeps on amazing me and keeps me intrigue.  I like him and his intellectual mind. WOW!

Makes me more confident probably, I said, 

 I think he gave up trying to let me understand; he says, maybe, either way I understand you position and will embrace it; you won’t feel out of place with me. 

I realize, I was trying way too hard to be convincing and that I was not doing such a good job….

 I gave up too, then, so I told him, ‘I will think about it and work up the nerves.’

Ok pretty girl, he said, your pace Nita …always baby.’

It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s me,’ I told him.

Then he assure me again, there will be no pressure from me, I want our experience to be an amazing one; not nerve-wracking, ya know.’

So I told him, ‘you are so understanding, thank you, I feel relaxed already.’

Perfect! He exclaimed. ‘I will always pay attention to how you feel I promise. I will always try to make you feel comfortable. Remember I’m a pleaser! I love to make people happy. Not freaked out by any means.

Again I ignored what he was saying; I could not keep up with him; so I say to him, ‘anyways you better get to sleep, don’t forget you have a big day tomorrow.’

Yeah,’ he said, ‘I’m going to listen to the TV and my mind wander.’

I’m sure I will have dreams of us! He said, that’s a given.’

Only you,’ I claimed.  ‘So will I; sweet dreams lover. Until…. Nita.’

Sweet dreams pretty girl!! And he was gone for the night.

 

I was left with my confusion and emotional turmoil. I really do like him and wish I never start with this deceiving act. How do I retract? If I do I’m gonna lose him for good; and he would never like the likes of me. OMG I ‘m in trouble again. But I can’t continue with this farce.

 He s so real and so sweet, a great conversationalist; so intelligent and poetic; charming, romantic and has sexual appeal; imaginative and intriguing; witty and humorous; oh my goodness!!! He is one of a kind. And I want more of him; much, much more of him; but how can I? 

He has me all in a tizzy fit; I am so overly excited about our conversation and time spent. I do like this guy, I really do.

I could see that this conversation and connection was going in a direction I never anticipated or expected… but I still drift off to sleep with an excited smile and with no thoughts of letting him go or confessing my deceit… only one thought plays in my head… I can hardly wait for the next time with him.

I feel into a dream of us on that plane and me and him smiling enjoying each other…..

 

TO BE CONTINUED………..

 

MY VISIT TO THE PSYCHIATRICS….

PHOTO BY ….. JOE G.

I have never been to a psychiatrist before… So I’m a little nervous and very self-conscious…

I’m looking around me at everyone… And wondering what they are thinking about me being here…

To me a psychiatrist represent.. Troubled individuals.. And people with psychological problems… Such as behaviors… And thoughts…

I don’t have any of these issues… Just my doctor can’t find any medical reasons for my condition and thought maybe it’s all psychological.. So recommended me to one…

At first I was very reluctant to see one… But thought best if I ruled out everything… And try to co-operate.. To find a solution to my condition…

But.. Being here.. Gives me the creeps and I’m not too confident I need to see a psychiatrist… I’m so afraid of any medicine she may prescribe… But… I came here to try to solve this mysterious condition that has limited my whole life… And I have decided to give whatever advice or medicine she suggested a try…

We tend to want to be our own doctor sometimes.. And in actuality.. We are very under qualified… And our own diagnosis is only to please ourselves… Without any real solution…

I do that a lot.. And since this computer comes along.. I GOGGLE everything and thinks it’s law of knowledge… When in fact.. Most times what you read doesn’t do much to help my situation… And I go around acting as if I know exactly what it’s about..

……………………………………………………………………………

So I survived the visit… she wasn’t too scary and her questions wasn’t too probing… She did prescribed some medication and did say they might cause some side effects, I’m contemplating if I should take them or not… and I have decided  to do it…because I would only be defeating the purpose of my visit.. and nothing try… nothing done…

First time at anything is always a little scary and cause anxiety due to the unknown… I’m a little at ease now after my experience and I come to realize that psychiatrist  is not for only crazy people.. and having a psychological problem don’t have to mean you are crazy or psycho…

I’m really curious and full of apprehension; but, at the same time , have some anticipation of hope that the results  will be positive and I can regain my composure… and get back to a normal life without limitations.

 

f0fa0e3e-2d5c-4112-a4a1-4a1d7c3cebd3
PHOTO BY…..JOE G.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ONLINE DATING: COUGARS

BEEN ONLINE TRYING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS, YOU COME ACROSS THESE VERY YOUNG GUYS WHO MIGHT BE WELL ENDOWED AND WAS BLESSED WITH A PROMISING GIFT… AND THINKING, THIS IS ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE ANY WOMAN HAPPY… SO, THEY TRY TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO FLIRT WITH THEM EVEN THOUGH YOU LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE OLDER AND HAVE NO INTEREST IN CONTINUING CONVERSATION..

“oh , I love older women.” their favorite line..Hahahahaha… you just have to laugh; You know it takes much than just that to feel a connection. I have tried being a cougar once in my life… it was an exhilarating feeling to be liked by a guy 20 years my junior… It does make one feel like they still got it.. whatever that might be….and no lie, I did enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship… and I thought I was old enough and experience enough to handle an affair with no emotional attachment.. after all …. I’m in control of my emotions and feelings.. haha… the laugh was on me..

I became attached…a little obsessed…slightly addicted… and it took me three years to finally end it when he choose to walk away…the only thing we have in common was sex.. and as old as I was.. I confused that to love…I was heart-broken, to say the least, but i got past it quickly… because I know that there couldn’t be anything other than what we had, between us… a lesson learned..

IF YOU PLAY WITH PUPPY  ….            ………….   .                                                                       .. PUPPY LICK YOUR MOUTH  

I never wanted to try playing that game again… experience teaches that you can’t control your heart or feelings when intimacy is involved.. so when I come across these youngsters trying so hard to convinced me of playing there little games of sex romp… I find it quite easy to dismiss them… I have been there…done that…

They think that they can learn how to connect and be a good lover virtually..I had a 22-year-old, hitting me up… wouldn’t stop until I had to block him.. Another one from Asia..26 year old virgin… after only one hour of talking to him, he’s totally in love… I tried to be nice and show him some compassion by not blocking him… and allowing him to summit his poetry of love and hurt…but he too becomes so overbearing and not showing any respect for my feelings and time difference… texting and even calling at nights… I had no choice but to block him too.

I try to entertain their conversations and not be overly rude but honest… but these young men think they have it made and they are full of knowledge and  cocky and egoisticacal thinking they know how to make you feel special… and then…. comes the”please” and the pathetic begging and the annoying texts.. and what about the ones who get so mad and throw a Issy fit if you don’t give him what he wants.. or don’t say what he want to hear.

So immature and inexperience… that is just too much baggage to handle…thank GOD for the block button… no guilt here…’ CLICK’…

You also have these obnoxious one who think if you see what they are packing you will ultimately  give in and reciprocate… And when you don’t…pppfffttt…. they lay on the guilt trip… you make them feel like a fool… and look like one too… “yess… mf .. you are…” You should have ask first…

ALL IN ALL THOUGH…

All these guys come on these app with one intention  in mind… and you left to wonder??? what about some clean conversations first, and who knows maybe it will lead up to exactly what you want… with a little tact and diplomatic conversations… I could be easily be drawn into it…I’m easy to bite the bait and run with it..and before I realize where I am… I get hooked and reel in..

I am not playing cougar though… I refuse to entertain anyone under the age of 35…The  consequences are just too high…

 

PASSION OF LIFE

PASSION: It’s so hard to find our passions sometimes… And materialize it to our benefit… You have to admire those that live for their passions, and do all it takes to make it happen. But.. what happen to those that tried.. but never really had the resources or the opportunities to fulfill their dreams and bring their passions to fruition.

What do you like to do???.. How can we make it work for us??? This is a question I have struggled with all my life.. I dream of all the things I would do   if I could… but could never come up with something I’m so passionate about that I get so motivated and determined to pursue.. I find myself talking about things I want to do but never actually put any real efforts in seeing it through..

Sometimes we know what we love and what we like to do.. We have it all in our heads just how we would like it to be but… Lack the know how.. And the resources to get it done… Sometimes we also don’t have the motivation and the faith in ourselves.. It’s like a dream without reality… and we become so comfortable with the way things are …so afraid of taking risks and making changes, of starting something we are not sure of.. scared of failing and losing…

YOU CAN’T GIVE UP SURE FOR UNSURE:

And there is some of us that just can’t figure out what our passion is .. Therefore we don’t have a niche, To pursue… So we live the life that comes natural to us.. go with the flow .. try to make the right choices… do what we think is right for us… and what we think is expected of us..

Happiness can be found here.. if we learn to be contend and accept things as is.. instead of finding misery in everything… always unsatisfied with their lives.. wanting more but never actually trying to accomplish or achieve anything else… always complaining about the lack of…wanting and expecting someone to create their happiness and to make them whole..

Passion… can be defined, I guess as; whatever brings happiness to you.. Maybe LOVE.. Maybe KIDS… Maybe your CAREER.. FRIENDS… FAMILY.. and the list goes on and on…Whatever you think it is… my advise is to be contended with where you are to where you are coming from… find the joys in your journey and have gratitude for everything you have acquired.. Our destiny sometimes… is the path that life has taken us… the people that we cross path with…we have to learn to enjoy the journey with faith and great anticipation.

ONLINE DATING: MIXED FEELINGS

I DO NOT SEE THE HARM IN PLAYING ONLINE IN A SEXUAL MANNER SIMPLY BECAUSE , TO ME IT’S AN INNOCENT WAY OF ENTERTAINMENT…IT’S ALL MIND PLAY, FANTASY, IMAGINATION,  VISUALIZATION AND VIRTUALIZATION.

On the other hand… there are some men who is married and maybe bored or just looking for some fun time to keep them entertained versus going out there and doing it in reality. Of course, this has to be in complete secrecy and discreetly from his spouse.

Then, there are the few who treats and talk to you like you are sleazy and low down.. they revert to calling you names out of context…such as … ‘little dirty f***ing slut whore’… This is when you wonder if it is worth it… It never feels good to be call names  and be belittled, even though its may not be personal…

So that’s why I have my limitations; in cases like this, I gladly use the ‘BLOCK’ button. This is the beauty of online dating, you don’t have to take what you don’t like and you don’t have to argue about it either.

It’s definitely a choice for some innocent fun time sexually if you enjoy that kind of entertainment. You never have to meet, you never have to connect again… no personal information has to be given.. you don’t have to leave the house, worry how you look, how you smell or what you are wearing..

And…. the best part of it all… in my opinions… is you live out your fantasies and creates any scenarios you want, be however sensual, creative, freaky, and wild as you want to be.   It all virtualization… so like a dream of who you want to be and who you want to be with… it just helps and feel so real when you have someone playing this game with you…

Words can be so powerful to the mind… whether you hear them or read them… and some times when you add pictures to your imaginations it can be electrifying and very stimulating and creates a result so intoxicating.

SO LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, IT’S HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS… AND IS NOT FOR MEANT FOR EVERYONE… BUT FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN ENJOY A LITTLE DIGITAL THRILL… I SAY, ‘GO FOR IT’ … BUT JUST GO KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT FROM IT AND WANT YOU WON’T ACCEPT… THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS… USE IT… YOU CAN ALWAYS WALK AWAY OR IN THIS CASE TURN OFF YOUR DEVISE…”CLICK”!!!!

Daily Prompt: Luxury

via Daily Prompt: Luxury

LUXURY??????

When we think luxury, we think riches; all the things money can buy and allow us to gain.. Land, houses, cars jewellery, yacht, vacations.. ect. ect..

The meaning of luxury is the state of great comfort and extravagant living…. excessive.

WE always relate luxury to our way of living in the this world… but… I always think of the luxuries of life differently… Living and enjoying life and all this world has to offer is what I like to think of as luxuries …

I think that knowing to live life fully and being totally contend in where you are at and who you are will allow you to be able to enjoy all the great luxuries of life.

My number one joy of life is to be loved intensely and to love with the same passion .. is life greatest luxury; this one emotional feeling.. creates so much joy and happiness that it leaves you feeling so exhilarating and breathless; it makes life so worthwhile and makes you so glad to be alive, so you could experience this most awesome and amazing feeling of being in love and be loved.

My number two is the food we eat.. man.. nothing like having and enjoying a good meal. It’s always great to feel so satisfied and full and having the taste lingering in your mouth. It is the staff of life and one life greatest luxury…

The people we meet.. the friends we form and the bonds we creates.. the laughter we share.. The kids we bear and brought into this world… the joy of watching them grow and joy of molding them … and caring and helping them to be the best you know how..

The world couldn’t be any better… as long as you accomplished and achieve these … you have life greatest luxuries… It’s all that money can’t buy and if you have all the money in the world and you don’t have any these worldly luxuries… then your life would still feel empty and your happiness and joy would only be short-lived and you will keep on trying to find things to buy to fill the gap…

THE LUXURIES OF LIFE… LOVE.. FOOD… FRIENDS…KIDS.. equals JOY… HAPPINESS… LAUGHTER AND A LIFE WORTH LIVING…

 

The Perfect Stranger — Discover

“That was that, a beautiful boy passing in and out of my consciousness. A rare solar event, spectacular to witness but never to be glimpsed again in this lifetime.” When you never actually meet, a perfect stranger always remains perfect.

via The Perfect Stranger — Discover

Love this story of the perfect stranger; it really tells of romance and you could feel the desire of the writer and envision what she sees when she looks at that stranger.. She takes you with her, allowing you to feel all of her emotions and see everything through her eyes. You could feel her desires mounting and feel her heart beating at the moment her eyes caught a glance of him.. her heart racing as she edge closer to him hoping for some form of communication and trying to build up the nerves to talk to him.

Being that close must have been so intense and when he looked at her you can just have imagine how shocked she felt, that left her totally speechless but completely electrifying… Willing him to say something.. wanting him to acknowledge her..

And she must have left wondering??? Did he felt a connection? Did he see her in the same light she saw him???  And of course she have all the right answers to her questions… visualizing and imagining that he did…and a smile pop up on her face as she fantasizes what she didn’t have the courage to do.

He will remain with her for a long time and I’m sure will always be looking for that face again everywhere she goes; hoping for one more glance of him, promising herself that she would definitely say something this time.

FINDING MYSELF

ITS SO HARD SOMETIMES TO FIND ONE’S SELF AND PASSION; A LOT OF TIMES WE CAN’T FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT WE LIKE AR WHAT WE FEEL SO PASSIONATE ABOUT.

Most of us, know exactly what we don’t want but don’t know what it is that we do want. i so much admire those that know their passion and go with their desires and succeed in following their dreams.

I am still here trying to find myself and figure out my passion(s); I don’t have much motivation and I lack commitment to follow through on everything I tried. I’m a very optimistic and positive person, but I guess I’m also a very lazy girl and a great procrastinator, with not much consistency and drive.

Finding myself and my passion in life is one of the hardest thing for me to do. Yet.. I find I can give the greatest advise and help motivate others, gives encouragements to follow their dreams and act on their passions.

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE???

HOW DO I FIND MY PASSION???

Questions I keep asking??