How do you calm your heart when the source of your love decided to replace you.. and walk away…
How do you stop all this emotions from overflowing and drain you of all your joy…
What measures can you take to prevent you from getting a panic attack with the thought that there will never be another him and you…
How do you come to terms with it.. how do you stop the tears… how do you just get over seven long years… of memories….
How do you close your mind.. close your heart…
How do you block all that you have shared…
I need to run away.. but there is no where to run… I need to lock myself away..from the whole world… but I canโt find nowhere to hide….
I tried to be patient.. I tried to be understanding..
I tried to be positive…
But so many signs..
His lack of sharing
His lack of communication
His lack of interest…
His lack of acknowledgement…
He has become evasive…
Always too busy for you….
He only talks about hisself… he ignores anything you say to him.. his response is slow… and contain one word….
You can feel you no longer hold any joy for him… he makes you feel like a nuisance…
I guess after seven years of distance.. you become boring… and he yearn for someone more exciting.. more fun.. more appealing.. more interesting…
And you have to admit that this make believe world of fantasy could not last forever…
And you have to gracefully bow out and Continued to live your life in dreams of yesterdayโ… when love was so good… when the world was a happy place…
And you just hang on to those happy times.. and through the tears.. we smile as we reminisce.. and remember.. we had it all. For just a moment…
SHATTEREDHEART !!!
Seven years of blissful memories.. when we share our world…so much that they become intertwined… and to untangle it now is going to be hard…
Letting go will be hard.. and getting used to not having him as part of my daily life..going to be a big challenge … but all good things must come to an end …
WE PLAYED EVERYDAY FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS… ERICA AND I GOT MOST OF THE PLAYTIME.. WE HAD JENNY JOINED OUR GROUP ABOUT A WEEK AFTER BUT SOMEHOW SHE ONLY SERVED TO ADD SPICE TO OUR SESSIONS.. SHE WAS A VERY SENSUAL ADDITION… SHE NEVER PLAYED ACTIVELY WITH US…BUT HER PRESENCE WAS ALWAYS THERE…
NELLY ALSO WAS NOT ABLE TO PARTICIPATE TOO OFTEN AND ONLY JOINED US OCCASIONALLY… SHE WAS A BLAST TO HAVE HER INVOLVED… SHE WAS INTO THINGS WE WERE NOT… FIFTY SHADES OF GREY… AND SO SHE BRINGS AND INTRODUCED THESE ROLE PLAY IN AND WE ALL GO FOR IT…
We were all in sync, enjoying each other as lovers and as friends… The angels were humorous and so was FOREST… he was having a ball with the four of us… He kept us horny and if he couldn’t play he would send us very provocative and stimulating videos..
we all grew attached to him in our own way… we found out beneath and behind his sexual facade… that he really was a nice compassionate and sweet man..there was more to him .. surprisingly …We try not to get too personal though…
The angels were talking among themselves; (forming of “HELL ANGELS”) and sharing personal information….with each other and becoming fast friends… It was here we learned and talked about our personal struggles and our everyday happenings… encourage… inspired.. motivates….. and form a lasting bond..
So back to “FOREST ANGELS”….
Forest hit us up with a good morning angels…
-erica:.. goodmorning my irish cream…
-Jenny: morning my sexy peeps…
-Nelly: good morning forest…
-You: Good Morning Sweet Lover and angels..
-forest: what you all doing ladies???? Horny as fuck…
– You: Oooooh forest.. I’m here daydreaming of your hard.. Stiff….Juicy..,rock hard.. Cock Just pumping my Hott soaking wet pussy.. As it clenches and gripping that nine inches fuck meat.. Enjoying you thrusting and raming that cock deeeep… And haaard… Moving and pushing into you..as you hold my hips.. Pulling me in .. Aaaah.. Oooooh .. Fuck me lover….
– You: Fuck me gooooooddOooooh…
– Forest: ooh yeah wendy.. I’d be Fucking ramming that juicy cunt…
– Erica..,: I’m so wet… come and play with us master…
– You: Yeeeaah. Yessss Yessss….Don’t stop!!!….Erica.. Come here baby…
– Erica..,: Yes ma’am
– Forest: Yeah… angels..that’s it…
– You: Slide under my mouth
– Forest: Let daddy watch y’all fuck each other
– You: Let me taste you….. Mmmmmm
– Forest: Stroking my fucking cock… so hard… suck that pussy wendy…
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm yes… feels so good.. daddy you love how wett I am for you..
– You: Wett…..Juicy… lover come kiss some of this tasty juice off my lips…
– You: Hand me that silver bullet… Let me fuck you as I lick and suck your big engrossed clit…
– Erica..,: Oh yes angel..pleeeassseee????
– Forest: Good girls…. daddy love when you love each other…
– You: Daddy o.. stick that hard cock in Her mouth… Fuck her face…
– Erica..,: Yes daddy… I need your cock….
– You: I’m slowly putting this silver bullet in.. inch by inch…loving how it vibrating…
– Erica..,: Mmmm…. it’s driving me crazy baby…
– You: Rubbing your thighs… as they shake with anxiety and excitement…
– Forest: I mount your fucking face
– You: Mmmmmm…lover.. you look good in her mouth…Tastsy…
– Forest: Show me a pic of your open mouth
– You: Mmmmmm.. Suck his big cock Erica as IM Fuckiin you deep and hard.. All the way in… and all the way out… slowly…. And again in hard.. Deep…
– Forest: Take this man meat you naughty lil angel…
– You: Make her gag…Hold her throat… help it down…
– Erica..,: Photo
erica send the photo he requested…
– You: put it down deep …she can take it. .. Suck that cock Erica…
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmmm… (licking… sucking and loving how he taste)
– You: Milk that cock… Look so tasty… Mmmming… kitty is begging for some… she is twitching fervently…
– Erica..,: Choke me with it daddy
– You: Erica I want to feel this vibrating silver bullet in my kitty..
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm…..I’ll put it there..
– You: I love the way it looks in you…
– You: daddy fuck erica while she use that silver bullet on me…
– Erica.., :yesss Daddy .. fill me up with your hard wett throbbing dick… and make me squirt all over you…
– Forest: Fuckin balls slapping your chin as I fuck your mouth
– You: come over here lover.. Fuck my ass as she fuck my pussy
– You: Oooooh yeah.. Erica reahed up and squeezed his hanging balls.
– Erica..,: Yumm….slap my face daddy
– Forest: You want some fucking cock in your ass my lil angel..
– Erica..,: Yes daddy
– You: Yessss!!!!Please sweetlover….My ass is winking…Begging to be fucked…Pleeesse … now..
– Erica..,: Photo …
Erica sent a photo of her beautiful sexy ass…
– Erica..,: Ass in the air take it… I’m ready for you master.
– You: Mmmm … let’s Switch it up… Mine then yours…. but Fuck me first please…
– Forest: Face down ass up my lil sex slaves.. Reach back and pull your fucking holes open…oooh yesss…
– You: Plunge all that nine inches in.. I’m Pulling wide..
– Erica..,: Yes daddy ooooooooo
– You: Aaaaaaah… Yes… love the feel of that glorious man meat…as it slide in and out….
– You: Kiss me Erica?
– Erica..,: Muahhhhhh…
– You: Slap my ass daddy….
– Forest: Fucking spitting on your assholes
– Erica..,: Oil us up daddy… make it slick and slippery…
– You: Make it sting….put a finger in mine as you do erica..
– Forest: I’m gonna stick my fucking tongue in your asses….Cuz I’m that fucking nasty….
– You: Ooooh yeah… be very nasty lover… make us gushed…
– You: Be nasty….Be very nasty….
– Erica..,: We like you nasty…stick a finger in my snatch as you lick my asshole….
– Forest: Stretching your assholes open
– You: Lick this butt hole
– Erica..,: Spank me red daddy
– Forest: Then start tongue fucking
– You: Yessss – Here you are… tongue fuck me…
– Erica..,: Bite me…
– Forest: Back and forth…. Fucking slapping asses hard…
– You: Oooooh godddd….I’m Cummin… don’t stop lover…
– Forest: Mmmmmmmmm yesssss…. glaze me…
– You: Oooooh Shiiiiiit!!!!!
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmm…..hurts so good
– Forest: God I fucking love your assholes…
– Erica..,: Love your cock daddy…
– You: Oooh yeah. Love that tongue tooo…
– Erica..,: Harder and deeper
– You: Lick it.. Fuck it
– Erica..,: Photo …
a another photo from erica….
– You: Use your fingers in mine lover….
– Erica..,: This ass hole is loving your hard cock as it darts in and out….
– Forest: Yesssssss…. Darting my tongues in an out your fucking naughty assholes…
– You: Put a finger In my pussy too – Ooooooohhhhhhh…yesssss….
– Forest: Start finger fucking both your holes
– Erica..,: Reaching under and rubbing my clit
– You: Yeeeaah
– Foest: Finding those gspots
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmmmmm
– You: Mmmmmm
– Forest: Tweaking the fuck outta them
– Erica..,: Make me squirt daddy
– You: Oooooh foooorrreesssttt
– Erica..,: Ooooooooooo mmmmmmmmmmm
– You: Fuck me.. Fuck me. Fuuuuccckkkk meeeee
– Forest: Faster and faster fingers tickling your gspots
– Erica..,: I’m cummmmmmmming
– Forest: Fucking cock lovers.
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
– Forest: I fucking love yall
– You: Oooooh Fucckkk Yeeeaah
– You: Don’t stop
– Forest: Ready to get your asses plugged?
– You: I’m Cummin again…. Plugged it… fill it up with cock…
– Erica..,: Love you too lover…..Yes daddy…
We played for another half-an-hour taking turns with Forest… we had such a good time making virtual love with each other… Nelly join in later on and we played a scenario with forest tied up and we teased him to the limit … make him watch us do each other with a strap on.. while Erica oil him and touching him closely but not fully … putting her lips so close and blowing on his hard bobbing cock.. him hiesting his hips so high urging her to take him in…
then nelly straddled him and tease him with touching the tip of his cock with her kitty and moving away while she dribble juices all over him… he was oozing precum and bouncing in excitement…
Erica was on his face with her kitty in his mouth… her eyes closed… enjoying his tongue as it lick and dart in and out of her oozing wett juicy cunt.. she was fucking his face as he groan with slobbering sounds…
I proceed to love on his chest biting and nibbling on his nipples moving down to his belly button and kissing his groin area … rubbing my thumb ever so gently under the tip of his cock.. and …O.M.G.!!!!! he shoots his spunk with such a force hitting the ceiling and all over my face… Nelly start to stroke his pulsating cock… and Erica came over… squeezing his nuts and gently rubbing them…
forest squealed with pure pleasure and cum again spewing more spunk as he jerk and shaking in divine ecstasy…
Jenny pop in ever so often with a comment here and there… “damn hott”…. “Give it him angels”….ect. ect.ect…
Our playtime lasted continuously for a little more than a month… and one day we came on to find forest being suspended… The angels was devastated and we misses forest so much… We were all mad and so angry that someone reported him and got him suspended.
But we all had each other to talk to … Forest came back a week after but he was not the same and Nelly has left the group.. then Jenny and it dispersed… The Hell Angels was still intact and we continue without Forest…. Who by then has changed his profile and stop communicating with us… The fall of “FOREST ANGELS”….
We all were a little hurt by his actions… but we all accept it knowing it was a game to us and it was over…
The angels stayed together up today… we all meet in Louisiana… we had a blast of a time getting to know each other personally… We always give thanks to Forest for bringing us together.. It’s a very strange way for a lasting friendship to form… but it is a bond that was creates by four girls with all similar likes… and common attitude…
We now encourage each other.. cheer on each other… love each other… and be there for each other… not a day go by we don’t say Hi and connect…So here’s to the four “Hell Angels” that fly together…WENDY….. ERICA….NELLY….JENNY…
Itโs so easy to create a world of make believe to suit your situation…. the heart tend to give the impression that love can conquer and break down every barrier…
It pushes those endorphins through every vain of you body deriving from that rush of adrenaline you get from your bond of connection…
Every emotions you feel… every desire you get… seems so real.. enough so you believe it… and the distance between you closes in… so much you can feel their touch… and all of a sudden your make believe world is created….
MAKE BELIEVE WORLD
Getting emotionally invested.. and getting your heart entangled with someone you will never know… is not recommended….
Because even though you think itโs All innocent and no real harm is committed…when you are pushed out or pushed aside… to make room for someone new.. it still hurts in the same capacity as it was real…
Itโs not innocent then…because you become so hurt… you know itโs harmful to those emotionally involved….
Losing their attention and their interest.. is devastating… and so unbelievably surreal … as much as you know that this relationship was never going to materialize.. the emotional investment makes it so hard to willingly walk away….
Getting used to to connect every day allow it to become unbearable not having this privilege anymore…. you form this remarkably affinity…and even though itโs a waste of energy to get all emotional about something way out of your control…
It does have this effect on you… you automatically have uncertainties… follows by doubts… and fear of losing your best friend..
The question is … do you still exercise explicit trust…continue to share… maintain communication… CHANGE NOTHING… and hopes NOTHING CHANGES…
Hope the the bond you created is strong enough to withstand.. the pressure of someone new.. ..
But how much can your heart takes.. will you able to pretend that itโs all good…and ignore the lack of interest and the lack of attention… while secretly being patient with the hope that it wears off soon and he will come back around to you….???
Give them space.. free them up to enjoy their newfound interest… if he really likes you.. he wonโt stop.. he is just a little distracted right now with the splendor of the newness… but not everything that glitters is gold…
And if it is meant to be.. if all those memorable moments are special… they might miss you if you give them the space to do so…
It takes a Patient man to ride a donkey… without trust and understanding.. their is no relationship…
There is a kind of thrill… that comes with intriguement …mixed with a surge of excitement.. when you connect with someone from around the globe…
You get to learn so much.. from their language..to their culture.. their historical facts.. first handed… and then you learn everything there is about that one person you are connecting with…
No matter the platform of communicating.. in the beginning.. it fun to talk and learn… the more you connect the more you know each other as is… you figured out there personality and sometimes you find you have this strong connection…
And if you fall for someoneโs personality… then you definitely fall for them.. looks is never important when you like someone for their personality..
But…
What destiny was it that pull you together… and make your world collided…how did you happen to cross paths… that allows such a beautiful connection…
Of course itโs not everyone you meet this way… is going to have this results or affects you in the same way…
But…
On rare occasion someone finds this connection.. and over time . It is proven that words and sharing.. is a powerful magnet… and before you know it.. you are emotionally invested… with someone you donโt even know on a personal level….
And when the heart chooses to get involved… it becomes a huge challenge emotionally…. and here is where the fantasy world begins….
How do you stay logical and practical.. and realistic…
Especially if there is no hope of a real relationship to materialize… yet letting go or walking away is not an option… because just the thought of stopping communication and breaking connection causes excruciating pain.. and you know it would be devastating….
How long is this fantasy gonna last before one of the party losses interest…
We get so caught up living in our fantasy world.. that we begin to believe in it… we tried to hold on to it like a lifeline… so blinded to the true fact of the matter… that none of this is real unless you both decided to make it so..
No relationship can survive in fantasy land… yes two words can collide.. and you experience serendipity…
But ..
Unless you both make it real by Uniting.. be prepared that itโs only a matter of time before this fantasy world collapses. And crumbles…
HEART CRUMBLING…
Leaving you with only memories of yesterday… wondering what happened to the love you knew…. a connection based on fantasy will never survived…
That broken heart ๐ is very real though… it comes with intensity…. and you are crushed just the same… your heart doesnโt know distances… the love you feel is real and genuine…
LOST LOVE ๐
So you just have to remain realistic… be practical… and exercise some logics… donโt go expecting the impossible… when itโs way beyond your control…
Building a relationship is never easy… when you meet someone… there is a sweet kind of excitement.. and the desire to be with that person is always in its strongest mode…
After the novelty had worn off… and that special sweetness has dissipated.. you have to find reasons and ways to keep the relationship alive..
You are now emotionally invested.. you lost some of the attention.. those with insecurities will tend to feel neglected.. lose their confidence… and start to have all the negative thoughts possible…
But…
What do you do to retain your status.. and not push away the party with all kinds of petty.. childish and immature behaviors…
Two main virtues that is required … in my personal experiences and in my opinions.. is…
Trust and Sharing…
Yes they are lots of other attributes needed…such as… understanding…. patience… self love… confidence…and trusting his love…
Itโs pretty hard when itโs a close personal relationship… when life takes over.. itโs hard to adjust when one partner doesnโt have the time for another .. and their time is totally consumed with everything but you….
All the wrong emotions surfaced .. you started to question everything… doubts became a second nature …. you began to fear losing…, fear of rejection… your bubbly personality is replaced with doubts… and distrust..
Some walked away prematurely.. because they fight with their hats…
Some push away and shut out… the other… then build a barrier around themselves….
Those who donโt have the courage.. or canโt find the strength to leave.. stay and bring misery to the relationship.. and no matter how much the other try to persuade them that itโs all good . They refused to believe .. and can not be convinced to change their thoughts…
Eventually…. the relationship canโt withstand the pressure and fall apart…
Then there is the scenario of a long distance relationship… this is where sharing and trust plays a vital and crucial role in the relationship…
It takes a vast amount of trust to make this relationship works … and good communication is the only connection… sharing each other worlds..is all there is…
And everything is perfect as long as there is open communication..
But..
What happened when one partner decided to stop… become evasive… stop having time for the other… they can be seen online.. but they are not connecting with the other…
This is where trust has to be applied with extremity … but how do the affected party deals with this on a personal level…
They are aware that they canโt control what the next do with the distance in between… they have to be practical and somehow logical.. that they are not the only thing in their life….so they have to give room and space to allow them the freedom…
I guess you just have to make up my mind to share them and their attentionโฆ. Sometimesโฆ and fully applied your Faith of trust..
they have to learn that thereโs so much more to their life than just communicating with them….
You canโt get too selfish.. with them… because all you really have between you.. is sharing and trustโฆ and you have to trust them explicitly โฆ And continue to do so .. unconditionally โฆ
You have to give them space to have fun and fully enjoy their other connections..
Yes.. itโs gonna hurt your feelings… and you might feel a surge of jealousy..
But you have to suffer in silence.. pretending you are strong … give them the impression that you truly trust them.. let them think.. what you donโt know wonโt hurt you…
Let them have their laugh…
Time will tell… you may have to walk away eventually… but donโt do it too immaturely…
Take time to make sure they have fully lost all interest and itโs just not a case of being too busy. Too tired.. just need some alone time..
Donโt be too hasty and impulsive… you might live to regret your choice… and donโt voice your negative concerns…
โ Change nothing… Nothing will change…
We do let our minds and thoughts sometimes take control of us … but we need to block out all negative emotions.. especially if they are just circumstantial… and not concrete evidence…
Exercising trust is very vital to any and every relationship…
Sharing is also essential.. because then each will be assured… and build better trust..
…..In the evening after my doctors visit I sent a text jokingly …telling him that I got a script that only he can fill, and I need to get it fill now.
He laughed … thought I was funny. Then he asks, โwhat u doin?
I replied that I would love to do him.And that I wish he was here with me.
His response took me by surprise. I really didn’t expect him to play along with my humor…
“Yea me too, but I got the kids with me and they are eating.”
That little text made me feel so special and it leaves me hopeful that he was starting to like me. This is the closest we ever come to talk about us being together, ever.
I text back telling him I understand, and ask about the kids. And if he got to pay his insurance.
He said, โThey are ok, and yea I paid it thanks. I needed that.”
After we finished our conversation . I sit there smiling… I was feeling connected to him and hopes that our little dialogue means that he is finally appreciating my friendship.
I play over in my mind our little conversation and my heart was singing with joy because it seems like we are getting closer.
I still had my doubts but talking to him leaves me with some hope. I did not hear from him next couple of days. I did not try to contact him either because I knew he got his babies with him and itโs the weekend and he got all that to do. The studio; the club; the shop ect.
The week came and past without any communication with him… I was a little disappointed that my hopefulness was crumbling… I guess with him it’s just passing through… until next time… I just tell myself I will just take it as it comes…
I guess He felt my mood, because he text me that day,
“Wassup, Iam good. I am at the park with the kids.”
I was at work so I could not talk to him…
(You see, I was trying real hard, too hard to be practical & realistic about his feelings. I was thinking for him. I was so busy telling me that I’m just a fling to him and that he couldn’t or wouldn’t feel for me like that; I may have miss his true feelings for me and instead of me asking him I presumably have the answers…and let my casual attitude do the talking.)
He texted me a few days after…informing me that his phone got wet and he just got it replaced. Thatโs why He did not respond to my texts.
I felt a little bad about my thoughts…. then. I was quite pleased that he connect with me though..
I find it so amazing , how good it makes me feel to just get a simple text from him.
And I asked myself????….Why is he so damn special? What about him that makes my heart jumps for joy and do a somersault….Why do I place so much importance on him? WHY?
when I think of him it creates the sweetest sensation that run through my whole body. It is this tingling feeling that gives me goose pimples and makes me shudder. I love the feeling.
I heard from him a couple days later,letting me know how busy he was…
I asked him how does he get all this energy from, and that he need to tell me his secret.
. Of course he tries to educate and advice me. He said,” don’t rush or worry, just be cool and enjoy what u work so hard for.”
He also said, โ Im sometimes very tired… I just save it by taking my time.”
I was amused by his statement so I smile ….He doesn’t realize, one of the reasons I liked him so much, and find him so attractive is because he is so Full of energy & life.
And I sit there thinking…..I don’t want to lose him, but how am I going to keep him to me. I don’t have what it takes.
I find myself smiling thinking of MYLOVE-LOVE. He can always put a smile on my face. Wish I could have him close to me so I could just hug him real tight and get one of those juicy kiss of his. Sure love to kiss him so.
The next day…. to my utter delight I got my wish . He came to see me, and OH MY GOD!! It was so good to have him here.
When I open the door and saw it was him.. my face lit up.. my heart leaps joyfully… I was really speechless.. but he stepped in the door.. scoop me up… and humorously say…
Girl just don’t stand there… you know what I came for. ??? “…
He reached the bedroom by then.. gently flung me onto the bed.. playfully jump beside me.. using his lips he started to tickle me on my tummy and sides… I was laughing really hard.. and when I laugh that hard I become weak..
I had to beg him to stop… he did but his lips found mine and he parted my lips with his and kiss me ever so sweetly and deeply… he pulled me closely to him and held me tightly as he could as he continue to kiss me emphatically and explosively….his lips feast on mine…
I lay there in his tight hug.. fully enjoying his amorous kiss.. feeling my body melting in his embrace…
He came up for air and he pushed me on my back as he began to undress me placing light affectionate kisses each step of undressing me… he got off my top and started to nibble on my nipples as he used the base of his palm to massage kitty through my pants…
Kitty was reacting fiercely to his touch.. and I could feel her quickly building to a rupture..
I covered his hand with mine holding his in place as he gently rotate in circular motion…
I softly whispered please don’t stop.. as I heist my hips to meet his hand movements..I felt kitty rising to explode and began moving faster as I urge him on with my hand to match my movements.. he kindly obliged… and kitty reached her peak and blasted off so forcefully that my hips was thrown into the air..
Leaving me screaming his name.. and loudly exclaiming.. yes!!! Yes!!! Ooh yesss.. baby.. baby.. oohhh babyyyy…
I lay there trying to recover from that demoniacal climax… as he hurriedly finished undressing me… he placed my legs on his shoulders and quickly and easily enters me.. kitty felt that hard rock of man meat… and she was ready to cumm again…he thrusts twice and she was sent in another powerful orgasm…
She was clenching and gripping him.. as she climax in blissful ecstasy… this cause him to reach his point of no return as he made one last deep final penetrating thrust…with a huge grunt of great pleasure he burst open and flooded kitty with hot spunk.. he kept jerking for a few seconds as he spurts every drop…
We were both soaked in our sweats and juices… he rolled off me onto the bed breathing as if he just run a marathon… I was not doing much better..
He looks over at me.. smile.. and said..
” girl that was definitely worth coming over for..”
He reached over and playfully disheveled my hair… then learn in and kiss my forehead ..
And said… ” you are amazing … and I jokingly responded… ” yep.. intoxicatingly delicious…”
He giggled and nodded…” yeah.. I would say so”…
We lie there with the covers on us… for a while talking… he asked me if he could smoke a cigarette.. and I allowed him the privilege.. ..
Then he got up and went into the shower… I went in to join him.. offer to do his back.. he was a little distant so I refrain from initiating another sexual session…
He got dressed as I sit and watched him.. I guess I was a bit sullen because he stopped for a moment to asked me.. why do I look so sad…
He hugged me and pulled me to him and said.. I have to go… but I’ll be back..
I looked up on his face smile. Nodded… and bury my face into his chest… and he held me for a few minutes. Then apologetically said he has to go..
I reluctantly let him go… and got up and pulled me up with him.. hugging me as we walked towards the door…
He left me with a luscious kiss a a promise that he’ll see me soon…
His loving was so intense and affectionate. I was left
wondering if he is feeling more for me.
I try not to get overly excited because I could be wrong, I wanted to ask him about ‘us’…but couldn’t get the nerves to… afraid of hearing his answers…
I ‘m thinking…. when he loves me like that though… how can I help but love him … I hoped him coming here tonight means that he liked me some and I prayed, “Dear lord make it so”.
I didnโt heard from him all week. I was thinking all kind of negative thoughts. I thought no call… no text. No surprise here… He got the money and some loving, so I’m all forgotten.
With No communication I sarcastically Guess he’s too busy to think of me. I pay big for the lesson .. you can’t buy friendship…I Still means nothing to him, not even as friends. All that speech I gave him about keeping me close only last as long as it takes to get the funds he was after…
By the end of the week I gave up hearing from him…Still nothing from him.. he went silent again… So much for our deal, I thought..I’m the only one that wants friendship so badly that I have to pay for it.
I asked myself…Why do I feel that it is so important to be his friend that I had to pay down on it? Well! Itโs obvious that he is not interested in being friends.. The only time he really stop to think of me is when he needs a cash cow… someone to use for his financial needs….
It does still bothers me that to know that he can come and love me like he does and then just walk away without a second thought…. how can a man be that cold that he can separate his feelings from intimacy…
His kisses and his loving tells me some thing completely different ..he gives me his all without reservations…
But.. itโs all a act… and Iโm left confused and trying to console myself.. trying to find any little reason to convince myself that he likes me even a little bit….
It didnโt take me too long to resume back to the attitude of letting go… I developed the attitude of “whatever”… It’s been going on so long repeatedly that I kinda got used to his behaviour… I decided to carry on as is and wait until he decided to come looking for me…
I didn’t try to contact or reach out to him like I used to do.. I now know that this is his game… and he will just ignored my text messages.. and Iโm tired of feeling rejected by him….
Occasionally when I get up to get ready for work I would send a goodnight text messages.. sometimes I would receive a short response ..and I would smile… but I never tried to start a conversation.. and he never offers…
After a couple weeks have passed.. I began to feel for the need of him.. I was itching for some of his loving and I secretly hope to hear from him… I was more than tempted a few times to reach out as I did in the past.. but I resisted..
I would just indulge in some self love.. while I visualized him making love to me.. and surprisingly it would ease and my pent up raging desires..
Just the thought of him and the memories of our sexual encounters would always heightened my whole body with a deep burning desire that leaves me so stimulated that I couldnโt resist but give kitty some petting to stop her from twitching and pulsating with the wants of him….
To my pleasure and delight.. a couple weeks later…I received a text messages asking me if I had work that night … I responded .. letting him know I did … it was kinda late … just a couple hrs before I had to get up…so him coming by would not be … so when he asked if he can come by.. I simply told him I have to get some sleep for work…
He did not mention any need for money.. and I was puzzled that he wants to come by… just because….I was a little disappointed that I had work…. so much I thought of calling in sick… but I refuse to allow myself to always be at his disposal…
All night I thought of him.. though…my mind and heart and kitty was at war…. and at times I wished I had called off and have him over.. so we could a repeat another night of passion… I had the chance but I blew it…. I knew there might not be another chance again…
I went home next day still with the feeling of regret that I didnโt grab the opportunity to enjoy him one more time… but…he again surprised me with a phone call that day… letting me know that that he was in studio and he was just thinking of me .. he asked how I was doing.. I apologize for the previous night.. and he assured me it was all good … and he will get me next time…
I smiled.. and chuckles a little… I told him I would love that and ask him not to wait too long…. he giggled in humor and promised me that he wonโt…
We ended our conversation .. I was left with a very warm feeling that travels to some really interesting places…. I was smiling and hoping that he lived up to his promise.. I again realized that he didnโt asked for any financial assistance… and this pleases me..
Hmm .. could it be that he just wanted to see for sexual favors… is he really wanting me sexually.. without me suggesting it….I laughed out loudly… thinking.. yess … yess.. yesss. He likes me…
The following day I was off and I sit there with sweet thoughts him playing in my mind .. making my heart do somersaults… which sent electrical jolts to travel downwards and stop right between my thighs.. that sent shivers down my spine.. causing kitty to get all excited …
Now with kitty affected .. I was losing control.. so I decided to send him a text with the hopes to convince to come on over and make kitty happy…. I live to please her….
He answers.. I asked him if he okay.. trying to lead up to the point of requesting his presence… but he saved me the effort by asking me if I had work that night… I quickly told him Iโm off.. and to my greatest pleasure he invited himself over… without hesitation I excitedly asked him how soon can he get here…
He quickly said.. โ Iโm on my way โ…
Of course I was overjoyed. And I quickly went took me a shower.. put on my best and sexist negligรฉe… I splashed some nice smelling perfume on.. put on a little lip gloss…. I was just getting my bed all neat and nice when he rang my doorbell….
I went to let him in.. and as soon as I open the door I let out a most joyful squeal and jumped up on him with legs wrapped around his waist and flung my arms around his neck … it took him by surprise that he slightly stumbled and had to step quickly backwards to regain his balance…
I was kissing his face and just hugging him tightly… he jokingly said… easy tigress, let me get inside first.. he walked in closed the door.. with me still clinging to him… he slowly ease me down to the floor.. took my hand in his and ushered me along.. saying ,
โ come on my little vixen….โ I giggled ๐คญ.. and said.. Iโm all kinds of exotic animal tonight, eh????!!!He looks down on me.. smiling.. and pulled me to him and whispered in my ear as as kissed my neck..โ uhhuh…
I just melt into his arms.. throw my head backwards. Giving him all access to lay his sweet kisses…he gently ease me onto the bed… and I found his lips with mine and kissed him ever fervently . He matches my zealousness… he rolled me over to straddle him as he lay on his back…
I pulled his shirt over his head.. and as he allowed me to he whispered softly.. in his sexy husky voice…love me hun…
I smile at him kiss him again on those voluptuous lips.. he kissed me very intensely as he held the back of my head, running his hand occasionally through my hair as he let out soft moans…
I moved down to his neck …., loving on him as he urges me to….sliding my body to align with his.. as I kissed his neck I gravitate my hips against his hard throbbing bulge… I slid in an up and down motion on that bulge.. as he reached down to caress my buttocks…
It was straining against his pants… so he started to undo his belt.. I slid off the bed.. as he kicked off his shoes… and I helped him out of his pants… I decided to stay where I am .. I kneel on the floor between his legs .. took him in my hand.. as I licked at it slowly.. running my tongue all the way to the shaft and back upward to find the tip again… I used the flat of my tongue to slid a few more times up and down…
He one hand on my shoulder and the next on top of my head… as he was reciting his favorite words of pleasure… shiit .. shitt.. shitt.. ooh yes . Yess . That s it baby…
Next thing I know I was on the bed . As he position me on my knees… he made one fast and hard move and he was inside my dripping soaking wet kitty…,
he pounded me fiercely bringing me to the heights of ecstasy as he pumped me full of his hott spunk… I was flat on my tummy then… with him on my back.. both of us drenched in each other sweat… as we catch our laboring breath….
I jokingly said to him.. โ my lovelove.. that was most invigorating…โ
He just responded with a โ yup โ…. sounding very proud indeed..
We lay there for few more minutes until we regain normal breathing.. kitty was still twitching a little .. he moved off me and lie on his back.. I turned around and took his hard , move his fingers to touch kitty.. hoping for him to bring her again to an orgasm….
He moved his hand away ever so swiftly.. and said.. โeww…โ I laugh and ask him whatโs wrong..
He had this look of disgust on his face as he said..
โ hun… thatโs sperm.. go get cleaned up…โ.. I started to laugh out really hard… as I said to him . Itโs your sperm silly… I swiped a little from my legs and teasingly ask him if he wants a taste.. .
His reaction was so humorous… he got up quickly.. pulling me towards the bathroom as I was dying with laughter.. he turned on the shower and said.. โ wash yourself off..โ
I couldnโt stop laughing.. I was so tickled…
I came out wrapped in towel.. and saw him smoking a cigarette… looking very relaxed… I sat down beside him.. gently rubbing his beautiful chest with my hand.. I said to him,,
All cleanedโ… as I bent to place a few kisses on that irresistible chest… he looked at me and just flashed me a smile… then he did something that really made me blush… he gently touched my cheek .. and softly caress it with the back of his fingers…. I leaned my head onto those fingers.. close my eyes enjoying his touch… I then feel him cup my face with both hand pulling me towards him as he rises his face to meet mine…
He gently kisses me and softly whisperers…
โ I needed that so much… thank you !!!”
I eagerly return his kisses …smile and hugged him to me and he returned my hug with a squeeze …
I was very happy to be with him sharing this tender moment….While he is here with me nothing else or nobody else matters. I savor and enjoy him as much as I can.
Sometimes I canโt believe how much joy I derived from this one guy….
He stayed for most of the night… we made Love again.. and I fell asleep in the crook of his arms.. I woke up cradled by him in a spooning position…
I turn around and wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest as I inhaled his scent and relished his warmth….I woke him up… with my movements and he returned my hug as he apologetically said he has to go..
I reluctantly let him go.. he got up .. got dressed.. as I watched him .. and begging him to stay the rest of night…
He bent over kiss me.. and said he canโt.. I got up and walked him to the door… there he gives me a huge hug , kisses me ever so sweetly.. let me go and whispered.. see you soon…
I watched him drive away.. and I smile with pleasure.. I was beaming with joy.. MYLOVELOVE Came.. stayed a little..loves me a lot… I was again totally in love … and very gratifyingly fulfilled…
So my fears and my insecurities were valid….I struggled so much with myself about confronting him about my doubts and my suspicions… and now Iโm left wishing I did .. me trying to stay logical and calm .. not wanting to create any negativity…
In my head I was thinking itโs not worth losing this connection with him… Iโll continue conversing normally… I even asked him.. โ baby… please donโt stop loving ๐ฅฐ me!!!????โ
He replied.. โ I will not baby…!!!โ
I thank him for his reassurance and briefly let him know the fears I have been having of losing him and his love….
How Iโm wishing I had address my fears at least I would have known why…..no matter how broken hearted it would have left me…
Because…
Yesterday I told him good night. And I leave him alone to sleep… come midnight when it is his morning.. I noticed heโs not online as usual… so I figured he called off work since he hurt his thumb yesterday…
Busted his thumb..
So I decided to wait a couple hours or so to write to him thinking heโs still asleep…
I was still up at 2 am… 9 his time.. and although I still didnโt see his presence online.. I thought I would send him a message before I dozed off…
And to my horror… I realize that my message was not being delivered…so I checked into it.. while becoming frantic with fear that I actually lost him for real…
The next couple of hours I was filled with anxiety.. and a dreadful sense of lost.. my heart was racing and felt like it was wrenched out….knowing I have no way of connecting to him…. I started to panic.. so much that I had to talk myself out of it…
I keep asking myself.. how can he be so mean to me.. why couldnโt he just let me know he lost his desire to stay connected… yes I would be crushed.. to the point of devastation.. but at least I would get to say goodbye ….. I tried to sleep.. but couldnโt.. each time I close my eyes I developed a panic attack… I was up all night.. didnโt exactly know what to do..
I called him straight it went to voice mail. I called him on discord.. I called him .. however fruitless it was… on WhatsApp… I was a complete mess…
I tried to stay calm .. and not going into a frenzy .. my whole world was unraveling… my heart was smashed… I love that man.. I grow so in love with him.. and now Iโm gonna lose him… I was so sure…we would never say goodbye….
7 years… talking everyday…. how am I going to get past it.?????
At about 9 am I got a text message from him.. letting me know that he left his phone at home.. I did not reply immediately…
I went on a couple of hours later.. and type his name… his response was so harsh???
โ what??!!!
How could I text you when I didnโt have my phone…โ
I was tempted to tell him I know that he actually blocked me….. and I wanna comment on his very angry ๐ค attitude… but why add fuel to the flames… so I simply told him that I do understand …meaning… that he left his phone at home….
He was off somewhere.. not responding.. I kinda figured that heโs using a different app to communicate with his new flame… so I continue to write…
โ
But maaan.. I was really beside myself. I really thought you blocked my numberโ…..
โBaby.. Would you like to stop connecting with me.???!!!..โ I asked…
โTell me honestly if you lost all joy with meโฆ Would you rather me not communicating so much..
Talk to me babyโฆ I will understand
We have been together for 6 to 7 years now . And maybe you no longer see my friendship as needed anymoreโฆ
I would very devastatingly crushed but I will understand..
I know you may also have found someone new and much more exciting to communicate with onlineโฆ
All Iโm asking is for you to tell me..
I never wanted to lose you and your friendship.. you are become such an important part of my world.. But I may not be able to give you all the pleasures you need from this connectionโฆ.
Please talk with me.. because I have noticed how distant you are of late and I felt you drifting away.. and I feel like Iโm being a nuisance sometimesโฆ.
So please , please baby.. talk to me..
This is all we have between usโฆโ
He came back on half an hour later… and said.. โ you are not…. stop being crazy…โ.
He was so evasive .. he didnโt even comment on anything I said…. he purposely avoided it all.. so I just played his game…. and reply quite coyly …
โOkay ๐ baby enough said.. Itโs just so many things and thoughts went through my mind this morning.. moving forward…โ
He responded with great lack of interest….โ๐๐๐โ
Those kisses always means that heโs really too busy with something else to be bothered…
I went on to ask about his sore thumb…. it is as if it hurts him to talk to me…
One word.. hurts…he sent e pic of his site… of course itโs the one he took for her…to show her while he communicate at work… sheโs getting all my attention that was mine just last week….
I made a couple comments in reference to it… and his response was so evasive.. โ yupโ..
SPICY CHICKEN WITH CREAM SPINACH….
He then sent me pics of what he was cooking… and I just played along pretending that everything is the same .. he sent the duration of his preparation with me.. and kept communicating until he finished his last bite…
HIS LAST BITE…
I made a statement that he must be so full and that he needs to fully relaxed because itโs well deserved….. and that was it… he left WhatsApp and never came back on..
About four oโclock.. I sent a goodnight text just to see if he blocked me again or not… I was not… but I know it was just too early for him to sleep.. so I know exactly where he was…
I was hurting so much. So I called everyone that was available to talk with me just so to distract my disturbing thoughts… I could feel the tears threatening to overflow.. but I refuse to give in to them…
He was never mine to have…although I was so enjoying our connection….heโs so cold to me now..I tell myself… I should walk away… but Im going to patiently give me a week or so to figure out my next move…. hopefully by then.. my heart will learn to accept my loss… and hopefully grows a callus…
Gonna miss the color he brought into my life .. but most of all Iโll miss my friend… we are never promised one more day or night…remember baby.. there will never be another you.. another me… another life for us to see…. to give each other all we did…time goes by so fast.. I want to make each moment last…. I wanted to hold on to you.. and show you all that our love ๐ could be…. I canโt and wonโt let go so easily… THERE WILL NEVER BE…ANOTHER YOU…ANOTHER ME…
Iโm trying so hard to be understanding… trying so hard to hold onto him… but as usual I never learn how to deal with rejection…all of a sudden Iโm shy… so afraid of the answers I might get if asked…
Iโm trying to give him space… trying to be patience.. but Iโm so fearful of the outcome thatโs awaiting me…
Two people cross paths..from two different continent… form a connection.. became friends.. share each other worlds… is it possible this Bond can developed to affect the heart….
I have an emotional affair with such a person… and we have been corresponding for the better part of six years… we talked everyday.. and I looked forward to our conversations…
There is a time difference of 5-6 hours between us … but no matter how busy he is … he always takes the time to respond to me… acknowledging my text messages…
We communicate mostly via text.. and occasionally a video call … he shared his whole world with me.. and try to involved me in his daily life…
Over the years.. I grew more and more attached to him…. and I find that my heart knows no boundaries… there is 4500 miles between us… and although sometimes I want so much to be able to touch him… I find that I can feel his presence just by having him talk to me…
I do admire him for so many reasons.. he always find something to occupy his time.. heโs very resourceful.. very handy.. especially around his house..
Heโs generous.. giving.. caring and loving… he has a family.. a wife with two boys … and they all know of me…
He loves to cook.. and he often shares his menu in steps.. he loves music.. and also love to sing along… which he also shares with me..he coaches his sons soccer teams and is very involved…
He goes fishing with friends.. play video games… he is never idle.. and I love him for his versatility… heโs a jack of all trades.. he works in steel construction… and he never misses a day…
He collects swords.. and cars… he loves to take his family to adventurous venues… he a very passionate man… he loves his family… and he says he loves me…which makes my heart sings.. and put a huge smile on my face…
We have been connecting for almost 7 years..and up to this point I was enjoying the daily connection.. and I was so happy ๐ to have someone to talk to…
He included me in his online games.. connect me with most of his buddies on a chat group… and I thought he was just trying to involve me more into his life…
I was basking in the glory of feeling loved and having someone liking my presence…
And out the blues.. I find my feelings escalating… and then my mind started this whirlwind of negativity…
I started to doubt his attention… yes he still acknowledges my text messages…but keeps it limited…heโs distant… he doesnโt talk to me as much…
Iโm becoming insecure… suspicious ๐.. jealous… I started to feel unattractive.. ugly… unworthy…
This guy has not given me any necessary reasons to doubt him.. but my heart is telling me that he has found another interest online…and this thought is screaming in my head…so much.. Iโm becoming paranoid and anxious…
If I see him online… I tell myself that he is talking to someone else.
But..
Donโt I have a lot of people talking to .. too.. and itโs all innocent… why canโt it be the same with him.???? Why am I allowing myself to create this imaginary rivalry…
I donโt act on my thoughts though.. because I think Iโm just being silly .. he is much too far off to be worried about his actions….
He got his life.. and although he chooses to make me apart of his world.. I have no control over him..
I do love him.. and as I have stated.. my emotions have escalated to a higher level.. which is proving very unhealthy…. Iโm demanding more of his time… Iโm stalking his chat page…Iโm becoming more upset to the point of tears…
Iโm feeling rejected.. I donโt think he loves me anymore…I think heโs bored ๐ with me… his conversations has become a one syllable word…
He always seems so preoccupied.. I feel like Iโm always disrupting him or disturbing him .. he longer shows no interest in what I have to say…of late he seems very distant.. and very evasive..
I tried to be logical and practical .. try to be self analytical… try to be reasonable…
Heโs too far away for me to be having these feelings.. and allowing them to affect me to such degree… I try to suppress these negative emotions and brush them away..
Iโm behaving as if I can control him and who he chooses to connect with…
I really fear losing his friendship and this bond that we have form.. but I have a strong feeling that itโs coming to an end… and itโs breaking my heart….
The fear of losing him.. is the worst… I know in all practicality I have no choice in this matter… and I refuse to become one of those obsessive connections…. he does still talk to me and every midnight.. his mornings he would always make me know heโs up.. I look forward to his text every night.. but the last two nights.. nothing…
And my overly active negative imagination.. is telling me itโs because he has someone else talking to…
Why am I creating this negative attitude..??? Why am I after all these years.. allowing myself to reach this point…so Iโm continuing to connect with him on the same level without revealing my insecurities and my jealousies….
I do realize that I have to back off with my overwhelmed emotions… let him have his fun with his new playmate… Iโm just stale right now.. no more joy in me… I have used up my usefulness and longer hold his interest…
How long did I think it would last… it lasted much longer than expected… I shouldnโt forget how I met him.. he was looking for some fun with someone online and I cannot provide this anymore…
We have shared so much over the past years.. how am I going to get past him if he decided to leave… he so much a part of my existence…. I looked forward to connect with him every day…
But I can understand him drifting away.. I donโt have much to offer anymore.. and he stop suggesting or asking…. I canโt compete with anyone else…. Iโm too old… he is my only one that is left…
Funniest thing.. I just come across this perfect quote..
โCHANGE NOTHING…. NOTHING WILL CHANGE โ….
How ironic is that??… if I donโt rock this boat with my negativity and my insecurities… we will just keep sailing until we get there… I have been on this path for.. six years… what is so different..
And so what if he found someone else to divulge himself in…
Iโm not seeing.. and what the eyes donโt see .. the heart wonโt leap… he still acknowledges me.. he still answers me.. he is not ignoring me..
He is giving me the same amount of attention.. Iโm only demanding more.. and it makes it seem like he is short changing me…
IF YOU LOVE ๐ SOMETHING …LET IT GO… if IT COMES BACK IT IS YOURS…
A few weeks later… I was at work at Walgreens.. apx.. 12:30am … I received a phone call from.. โ MYLOVELOVEโ…. I was not expecting to ever hear from him again and I had let go of the thought of him altogether…
But…
Strangely I found I was a little excited to receive this call.. I answered… โ hello??!!โ
He started off the conversation by apologizing for not getting in touch with me sooner with the excuse .. that he was super busy .. he went ahead trying to explain everything that he was into… I just listen.. didnโt exactly know what to say… I was kinda speechless..
My manager motion me to get off the phone and get back to work.. so I told him I couldnโt talk because I was busy at work.. and ask him exactly why did he call me…???
I was hoping to hear him say he misses me or he was just thinking of me .. but to my utter disappointment.. he let me know that he needs $200 ..
I quickly told him Donโt have $200 to give.. but if he calls me the next day when Iโm off.. we can talk some more if he wants… I hung up feeling really sad.. I was feeling so pleased to hear from him… and I wanted so to believe he misses me some …for him to reach out to me…
His reason for getting in touch after so many weeks of silence… was only for monetary reasons… I thought about him all night.. hurt because of his true reason for reconnecting…. but smiling because I heard from him..
His voice started a reaction of feelings to emerge… and I find myself reminiscing about him and our times spent together in a romantic way… my emotions began to resurfaced.. I still wanted him.. I shuddered with the thought… as I visualized and fantasize about him sexually…
My stimulating thoughts.. sent a ripple of emotions through my whole being.. my adrenaline started to flow releasing endorphins to regions of my loins… leaving me very moist and dripping… with the wants of him …
I was left wishing he call me next day as I asked. Because I wanted him so badly that I think I will use his financial needs once again to get him into my bed… I was yearning for his touch…
I did not expect to hear from him that next day.. but again to my pleasure he surprises me with a follow up call… he again began by telling me how much he is in need of that money and how much he would appreciate my help…
I just shake my head.. sigh ๐!!! To know all he needs from me is my money.. but Iโm going play my game of tit for tat… I told him I will give him the money but he will have to wait one week.. and he will have to promise to give me a little of his time…
I thought he would ask me what I meant by that demand.. but he understood exactly what I was demanding from him and he agreed… I did not hear from him all that week.. and I just figured that was it….
I wasnโt in the least surprised and I just brushed it off… hearing from him after six weeks of silence.. triggered off my buried emotions…My feelings have not changed much.. and I found myself getting all excited just talking to him… I still want him and I had anticipated and hoped…he would have stayed in touch…
By the end the week I had fully given up on rekindling any kind of romance with him… Iโm only a cash cow to him right now…
I thought I would not be hearing from him again.. but he was more determined and persistent than I have thought… he contacted me again that weekend with his bullshit… about being very busy and exhausted.. and in the same breath asking me if Iโm able to assist with the money he requested…
I smile .. and I gave him a little lecture about how he has been treating me.. and told him I would like for him to keep me closer and donโt lose contact with me…. he wasnโt very convincing in his answer.. he said just.. โ yea yea.. I will try.โ Very nonchalantly without any conviction..
He again asked me,โ so can you help me out.?โ I told him yes.. but he again will have to wait another week… I really just wanted to string him along to see exactly how far he was willing to go with this …
I heard from him everyday the following week… and it pleases me to see that he was at trying to keep his end of our bargain…
Come Friday though he didnโt fail to once again remind of my promise and asked if I will be able to fulfill it.. I felt he earned it by his diligence of keeping contact all week… so I told him to come get it that next day….
I had to work .. and he texted me to find out if I was available for him to come by.. I didnโt get that text until I was on break.. he had tried a couple more times .. I guess he thought I was ignoring him.. so he wrote one last time.. saying..
โSo now you donโt want to text me back???.โ
I was amused with his attitude… he thought I was blowing him off and trying to get out of giving him the money I promised…. I decided not to answer him until I get home.. I wanted him to stew for a bit..
When I got home that evening I sent him a text letting him know I was at work but Iโm home now.. so if he so anxiously wants the money he can come over to get it..
He response was quick.. but he informed me that he doesnโt have a ride to come by… but he really needs that $200… I asked him to let me know when he will be able to… and he in turn said.. โ heโs working on it..
I heard from him on Sunday 4:34 pm… โwhat u doing 2nit?” I was getting ready to get my nap … because I had work that night…
I was happy to hear from him and I was in a playful mood and so I replied, “Thinking of doing you.. “
He sent a LOL… and said that he is on his way.
So I decided to take an early shower just in case I got lucky…. I was a little excited to see him.. and I find myself anxious awaiting his arrival…
When he finally arrived.. I open the door with the brightest smile… I greeted him a shy hello.. and even though I wanted so much to hug him I resist the urge and invited him in..
He followed me as I leaded the way to my bedroom…
I know he really came for the money but just to see him and having him this close after six long weeks I would give him anything.
All my attempts to forget him.. all my promises to let go of him… all the feelings I have pushed aside and suppressed… were no longer in effect..
Just the sight of him… just having him here with me.. itโs like the last six weeks never happened… and all that matters is this burning sweet sensation that fill me with raging desires that causing great havoc to my thoughts and body..
I sat beside him on my bed… he was talking.. but I didnโt hear anything he was saying… my hands were trembling with this strong compulsion to touch him… but I was afraid he no longer find me sexually appealing…
I wanted so much to kiss him and love on him but I hesitated because I was not too sure he wanted that, but he seems to sense my desire because he started to kiss me and oh boy I will never forget the way he kiss me that night. It was with a great urgency, deep and ever so passionate. I felt like he actually misses me. I was back in love all over again. we fell back onto the bed and I slowly ease off his shirt and got my hearts desire… i was loving and devouring that beautiful chest of his.
He lie there and allowed me to… As I got lost in loving him…as my desires rises sending a jolt of this sweet sensational emotions that rushes through my being heightening my every senses….
I was in a different world. He took me to heights and places I have never been before..He loves me that night like never before and he hugs me so tightly. He came back and rocks my world…
He stayed with me until I was ready to go to work .. I didnโt sleep a wink. But I was so energized.. his most passionate lovemaking left me On a high… I was feeling like he likes me.
My heart was back again on a roller coaster .And with all this affection that he gives me; I was still doubtful and unsure of him..I know I can never hold on to him or command his attention more than just a moment…
He may disappear until he needs financial help again…
I got ready…gave him the $200.00. He drops me at work leaves me with a chups.. I was smiling all night so full of joy. My heart was singing…MYLOVE-LOVE came back to see me and gives me some good, good loving…
and although he had ulterior motives and his monetary needs was the main reason…
that loving he gave me was worth every penny (the money )… I may have paid him to … but I definitely got my moneyโs worth…
A STORY OF PLAYING THE COUGAR WITH A VERY UNEXPECTED TURN… ##########################################
I WILL LOVEYOU ๐ ALWAYS…..
I went through the next few weeks like a zombie. Missing MYLOVE-LOVE. Work hold no appeal and no joy for me anymore… my days were empty..I didnโt realize until then just how much him being there daily hugely impacted my attitude…
There was no sunshine … everything seems dim… I went though my emotions quietly… I would be in a daze sometimes looking off in space visualizing him being there.. reflecting on the last months .. remembering how my eyes could find him anywhere he was.. and how my heart would flutter at the sight of him… putting a bright smile on my face which leaves me gleaming with joy…
These last weeks has been long as I suffer in silence… he was a main subject of conversation.. everyone has something to say about him .. I would mostly just listen… I found out that he has been talking to Veronica.. she even boastingly said that she was the first person he called.. he seems to have spoken to everyone else too….
I was so crushed to know that he didnโt value me enough to even answer my text messages .. he doesnโt even acknowledge me… and I question this…why have he shut me out..??? Why am I Not important enough to him????.. Why was it ok to talk to everyone else and not me? After all the times we spent together and the intimate moments we shared.. I thought we were close enough fo me to deserve some acknowledgement….I thought we were at least friends…
It hurts to be ignored…
I received a small text from the second week… โwhatโs up stranger???!!โ.. ..
I was so delighted to see that text from him.. I sent him a reply asking him if heโs okay.. and inquire whatโs been going on with him… but to my great disappointment he never continued the conversation…
I started to come with terms that Iโm never going to see him again… I was still missing him something awful… and although I felt I wasnโt ready to let him go.. I decided to accept my fate…. it saddens me to know that I meant zero to him.. and all those nights spent together in the most intimate ways….meant absolutely nothing…
His oldest daughter had an up coming birthday and I had purchased some little Knicknacks for her… I thought … I still would love to get them to her…
I tried to contact him to let him know and asked him via text messages… to come and get them… he did not respond immediately but I got a text from him later on …letting me know that he wants them and he will come to pick them up…
He never did..
A couple days later, I tried to call him to find out when is he coming to get the gifts.. . As much as I wanted to talk to him… I had lost interest because of his cold behavior… he answered.. then hung up suddenly… I couldnโt believe he did that.. I told myself…
โ thatโs it.. Iโm done.. with him …โ
He was so cold and so mean and I was so hurt thinking I didn’t mean much to him for him to ignore me and refuses to talk to me.. He tries to call me later that day, I did not answer… I was still upset with him hanging up on me.. And then he sent me a text that…
Letting me know that his phone died.. and that was the reason the phone call ended.. I did not believe his lame excuse… so I did not respond to him…
I decided to give up trying to contact him… seeing that he obviously not interested to hear from me… I decided to get in touch with one of his buddies to ask to be an intermediary and get the gifts to him..
This friend… David came.. collect the gifts I had and promised to pass it on to him…. I went ahead to send him a text… informing him that I gave the gifts to David and he should collect them…
He answered me to let me know that him and David were no longer friends… oops… David did not disclose this information to me… I apologized.. and I called David to return the items… I just thought his daughter wonโt get her birthday presents in this case..
A few days later MYLOVELOVE Calls me … I was a little surprised to hear from him…I answered .. he started off the conversation asking me why I didnโt just gave the gifts to Veronica.. I became very belligerent . I was very upset that he even considered this possibility…
I just tell him that .. not to worry about the damn gifts.. and him and Veronica can go to hell and hang up on him…. I was so mad.. what was he thinking…!??? I was hurt too to know that heโs still seeing her…and he couldnโt even talk to me on the phone….
Shouldnโt he know how I feel for him? Was he so blind to my feelings…. I was so hurt and so upset That day it brought tears to my eyes… .
I was thinking, how could I mean so little to him, Even though we could not be in a true relationship…I thought at the least we were friends.. How wrong I was to even think this was possible..
my emotions for him was still very strong and way more than I would care to admit… I decided not to text or call anymore and to just Leave him, be…. . Iโm still missing him but it doesn’t make sense wanting someone who doesn’t return your feeling… so I will try to put him out of my mind and heart…
SOME PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO FALL IN LOVE..BUT… NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER…
I began to see him in Veronicas presence again… my heart sank.. I thought we were getting closer at one point.. he would playfully tease her as he passes by her… which sent a jolt of jealously through me… it would leave me so furious.. . That it brought tears to my eyes in anger…
I was a complete mess.. this should have been enough for me to walk away from him…but instead I still try to talk to him..
I was a fool for this cold. Aloof and inconsiderate guy… and with my knowledge of this.. I still longed for his touch.. his kisses and his loving…
It was a Saturday in April I got a phone call from him….asking for $40.00. My first reaction was no way… but I do wanted to see him.. I so want to be with him… so I thought… itโs a way to get to see him…. so I asked him…
โAnd what do I get in return for giving you this money MYLOVELOVE…..โ
He asked me what do I want…???? So I told him.. โ youโ…
Surprisingly.. he agreed.. so I excitedly tell him to come and get it….
And he did…
He walked in .. and I led him straight to my bedroom….I immediately started to seduce him and he allows me to… he stayed a couple of hours with me.. he fulfilled his end of the bargain.. and he gave me what I requested..
Although I instigated most of our love making.. he had no objections… and he loved me just like he always does.. I fully enjoyed our little session…I felt really good to be with him again…and while I was lying in his arms and enjoying his delicious kisses .. everything was perfect…
I gave him the $ 40 like I promised as he was leaving…he left me with a bear hug and a kiss.. and promise that he will stay in touch…
After he left I felt a bit foolish because I let myself be used by him…but I console myself by thinking that….seeing him and getting to love on him was all worth it. I was hoping that he didnโt think himself a gigolo and that I paid him to have sex with me….
Because…
That was exactly what it boils down to … I exchanged sex for money… was I so desperate for him that I allowed myself to stoop to such level.. it made all the sense in the world and I thought I was being clever and sneaky…
I took the time to wallow in the joy I got from being with him… but as usual it was short lived..
I made myself a promise that I will never again do that…. hmm ๐ค…
I suspect the money was for veronie birthday. and even when its hurts my feelings…. I tried to justify my actions… telling myself again that it feel good to know he needs me for something and stupid old me thinking if I am kind to him I will win his loyalty and he will remains friends with me always…
Iโm hoping I was right about this… I really want to be right…
That following Monday We worked the same shift. It was only a hour into the shift when he walked passed the front end and headed outside accompanied by one of the managers….. his demeanor was very stern… and even though he had to pass my register… he didnโt even glance at me..
The manager walked back in a few minutes later without him… I had a sinking feeling.. something wasnโt right…
I know he had an incident in the parking lot a few days before.. involving a customer.. he had accidentally hit her car with the shopping carts… she complained and he was up for reprimanding..
Could it be that they dismiss him because of the accidental incident..???!!! I tried to find out what happened with him and was told…. that he got fired…
I became so emotional.. my mind was in a whirlwind… my thoughts was going berserk… apart from being sad that he loss his job… I was selfishly thinking about us.. and losing contact with him… how am I going get through my days without his presence????!! My only connection with him is here at work…
I tried texting him to find out from him directly what went wrong…. he just completely ignores me… I got no response… this makes the more afraid and scared that Iโm losing him… for the rest of the day I lost complete focus on everything.. I had to force myself to concentrate …
If only he answered me… it would ease my mind a little thinking that I wonโt lose contact with him.. but he just ignored me totally…
I was in a melancholy mood all day..the end of the shift could come fast enough.. I got home and I tried to make contact again.. still nothing… I became overly anxious accepting the fact that I have lost him for good…
I lie there sobbing into my pillows.. crying for a love that was never mine…
After our latest rendezvous… and he blurting out unintentionally that he loves me… I started to have a little hope about us…
He was a little more attentive and even sent me a few text messages just to say hi…. I was sure he was liking me some… I carry a delightful smile all week … feeling connected to him…
The following Wednesday , he asked me if I could babysit his three kids for him. I accepted because apart from getting a chance to be with him I love his babies.
So he picked me up before he had to leave for work….and took me over to his place… I spent the evening with them telling stories fix them dinner…and trying to entertain them…..they were good.. and well behaved…
It was an early day for him.. he walked in.. . And I was as happy as the kids to see him…He was a bit distant as usual. But I figured he was just tired….
He took his son, helps him with his homework .. I sat there looking at him in admiration and adoration… he was so dedicated to his kids… he then went to lie down and soon fell asleep. I let him sleep knowing that he must be drained and exhausted after a long day at work…
I give the kids their baths and got them into bed…after they were all asleep… I went and gently lie next to him . I was still dressed … as I cuddled up next to him just to feel his warmth…
I wasnโt expecting for him to want anything sexual.. I was trying to be understanding … I didn’t forget the last time I was here with his kids present….and how I had behaved and reacted…
Even though just being with him causes provocative stimulating reactions… I refuse to act on them.. I guess I dozed off snuggled up to him…
Because I was awoken by him Into the night … he was tugging at my jeans… He tries to love on me but he stopped when I asked him if heโs sure he wants to with the kids here…. he simply answered.. yes you are right…!!
He then instructed me to take off my clothes and get comfortable and get back in the bed… I got up do as he asked.. brush my teeth .. and went back to join him… he held up the covers for me to get under and I do so willingly…
He hugged me close… kiss me and said.. โthank you โ…. I smile and nodding affirmatively.. and replied causally..
โ you are welcome MyLoveLove….โ
I knew he meant staying with his kids for him… we fell asleep like that till morning when I feel him jerking me awake.. I open my eyes and he asked me if I could get the kids up and get them ready.. I happily obliged…
I got up and he playfully slap me on the butt.. I jumped not expecting it.. gave out a little squeal.. ..turn to him and push at his shoulders giggling.. he fell back onto the bed.. pull the covers over himself and said..
โ wake me up when they are ready to go.. โ I just shake my head…
I got the kids up.. help them get dressed…. fixed them breakfast.. and while they were eating he walked into the kitchen asking if we are ready to go…
I went to collect my belongings and a few minutes later we were on our way.. he dropped the kids to school before he took me home…
He thank me again and said he appreciates me… and let me know that the kids like me and always ask for me..
I was very tickled to learn this.. and I smile saying.. โthatโs good.. I love that they like me โ…
As I watched him drive away… I was feeling very good about spending the night with him.. and even better.. sleeping in his arms without having sex.. just like an old couple I thought….
We did not see each other for the next couple of weeks, except at work. He did not have too much to say and ignored me for most part. He was back to be his old self.. I was a little confused .. but learning fast to accept him as is… I realize he only used me at his convenience… it hurts me to know this but I know I do allow him to..
Although I was feeling broken up and wanted more I know that we werenโt really together and that he doesnโt like me like that. But I took consolation to be able to see him daily it gives me some joy. I tell myself….Just seeing him was enough to make me happy.
I tried to avoid him and leave him alone as much as I could.. but seeing him everyday and interacting with him work wise was not helping…
With broken-hearted … my feelings really crushed… and my decision to end our secret affair.. I began to play his game….ignoring him.. I still couldnโt get pass just how cold he is towards me… after all those nights of sweet passionate love making…
How can he be so distant and so mean to me in public.. but.. behind closed doors … he is so damn loving and sweet and warm… he is always so receptive and giving of himself fully and completely…
How can he separate his feelings from sex…??? And how can he look at me and completely forget our nights of passion…
Anyways….. Iโm done…
I noticed that he was not around Veronica too much either… and curiosity got the best of me.. so I asked her what was happening between them… she tells me that he was very mean to her without giving details…. and that sheโs no longer with him..
I had mixed emotions… because I could see just how hurt she was… and it pains she to see her experiencing such heartache… I want so much to be able to comfort her… but I just didnโt know how.. without putting him down.. which I know I couldnโt…
I was still so infatuated to the point of being in love with him.. so much that I was blinded to his faults… I still hold him in high esteem and he was still this perfect awesome amazing guy in my eyes…
With this this new founded knowledge.. of their separation…my feelings began to resurfaced and got renewed. I became more receptive to his smiles and started to seek him out again to talk to him but kept it causal… I still havenโt forgotten what he had said about us not in a relationship…
I was regretting agreeing to the terms of our relationship.. I didnโt know how to change it.. didnโt know how to confess my true feelings because truth be told….my feelings and desires for him is far from being causal…
I thought I was able to have a sexual affair without getting my heart involved… little did I know.. I have no control over my heart… and my mind was confused… the heart wants what it wants… and it wants him…
Within a week after that incident..
I was on my way to Walgreens .. my first job… when I got a unexpected text from him…
โI am at home can u come by 2nit.โ ????……
I was kinda surprised.. but pleased at the same time… I responded letting him know I was on my way to work…. he was very understanding and implied there will be a next time…
I would have love to be able to go over and It made me realized just how much I still want to be with him.. as much as I tried to suppress my feelings and try to move beyond him…one little text from him undo all my efforts and put me right back to where I was..
I didnโt correspond with him for the next few days… but that text keeps playing in my mind… it had been on my mind constantly and I thought I blew a chance to be with him… I really doubted that he would ever repeat that request..
Thinking of him this much only allowed my feelings to intensify to the point of making my urges and my desire grew so strong is became unbearable….
I finally gave in to my feeling and decided to send him a text…asking him to include me on his agenda for that day.
I know it was suggestive but I was itching to be with him. And nothing beats a try but a failure…so I thought Iโd asked. To my surprise.. he responded…
he said he was going to be busy but heโll see whatโs up later. …
It sounds promising but I was not convinced that there will be a later… I was kinda disappointed but pleased that he responded to me…
I had completely given up on hearing from him..but to my surprise and total pleasure he called apx. 8pm …. I eagerly and promptly answered…
he let me know had somewhere to go at midnight but he can see me until then if I still want to come over… I let him know that I would love to come and spend the time him… so I got ready and headed over….
I was very nervous with anxiety…. itโs been a while since our last rendezvous… as usual my heart was beating hard against my chest… I had butterflies in the pit of my stomach…and my knees feel like jelly…
I got to his door and knock timidly…GOD! …… When he opens that door, he was the most beautiful sight I ever behold. That smile, that face, that man, that beautiful and gorgeous man, I smile ever so pleasingly…because I have longed and yearned to be with him these last few weeks and here I am, ….finally. …..and with heart racing and hands shaking just to touch him .. it takes all my control not to jump on him, Instead…
I sat down beside him. He was watching a program on the TV… and We sat there trying to focus on it… I was finding it hard to …and I keep stealing glances at him willing him to instigate and initiate some form of physical contact…
He must have sense my desire, or read my mind…because he said,
, โWhat you came for, to watch T.V.? โ
He did not have to say another word..that was my cue. With his permitted invite….I immediately start to kiss him. I love kissing these lips… his kisses set fire to my whole being….to ignite that burning desire in my loins…
I love on him like I was hungry; I couldnโt get enough of him. He matches my intense urges with his.. he was like a man possessed … he quickly got out of his clothes and helped me out of mine.. and as he continued to bathe me in his kisses … he guided me under him.. as he find his way in my soaking wet and supple kitty…
I wrapped my legs around his hips and heist my buttocks to meet his thrusts..
I could feel him swelling up to burst inside me.. just as I was getting ready to explode with sweet ecstasy…
He screams.. โ ooh shitt.. ooh shitt… ooh shiiiittt..!!!!!! As he made one last deep thrust and stopped as he empties in me… he made a few more small thrust as sweats washes his whole body… that he became so slippery…… I lie under him completely satisfied as I feel his results of his most arduous loving dripping down my legs..
He gently pulled out and it gushes out… I got up and pulled him up with me.. leading him to the showers…. we got in.. I lathered him up as he lean against the wall so exhausted from our session…
He had his back against the wall standing there with his head thrown back resting on the wall … his eyes were closed.. and his body limp and fully relaxed as if he was about to doze off… the shower was beating against my back splashing onto him … causing ripples of droplets cascading down his chest…I continued to soap his chiseled chest.. I couldnโt resist but to place small kisses on it.. I moved Down to his belly button.. and focus a little in that area.. I was stooping at this point..
I was so busy enjoying the taste of him .. getting all stimulated that kitty was twitching and getting all moist… when I felt him poking my chest.. I stopped .. glanced up on his face and he was looking down at me with a devilish smile and pleasure in his eyes.. I squinted with a silly smile.. shaking my head… and then I chuckled mischievously…
He then placed his hands on my head and motion me to his bulge…I obliged his request and take him in my mouth..after only a few moments he picked me up to a standing position and place me to face the wall.. he placed his right hand on my belly pushing my buttocks in a upward position.. that I ended up on my tippy toes.. and leaning forward holding on to the walls for support…
He kept his hand where it was offering some balance.. as he slowly but swiftly enters me… with the shower falling on us .. he gave me one of the most memorable sexual experiences we have had..
We finished with a blast.. shower and headed to the bedroom where he helped me to towel off and I helped him in return… I asked him if he would like a massage but he apologetically refuses saying he has to get going…
We both got dressed and he took me home.. kissed me and said. โ love you โ… I looked at him quizzically… smile but didnโt make a comment… I walked away from him .. thinking…
โWas that for real…or was it a slip of the tongue ?…..
I thought the latter… but…
His lovemaking was so good. He made love to me like he means it and I enjoyed every single minute of him. I left him very pleased and happy. I secretly hope that he was actually liking me .. I want him to so much to…
When Iโm with him ….I find that I donโt have much to say …I just tried to enjoy him and every moment I have with him… there is never the promise of tomorrow.. so I just live in the moment…..
Iโm still left with wanting more of him…and I hope that another chance arises soon… and until that opportunity comes around… I will just be waiting ever so impatiently….
That week went by with me living in hopes of the next time, seeing him daily would caused rushes of emotions that run through my whole body.. it was a sweet sensation that leaves me shivering ….
He would occasionally flash me his mischievous smile as he passes me by… and I would be filled with a warm feeling that makes me blush knowing we shared this secret love affair…
I was feeling so good with his attentions and was so consumed in my feelings for him.. that I didnโt even stop to think of Veronica until I saw her one morning all sad…
I went over to find out whatโs was causing her sadness… she was very reluctant to talk to me so I asked her if itโs anything to do with him.. She angrily said she doesnโt want to talk about him…
He happens to pass by then and came over to try to talk to her.. without even acknowledging me…she angrily walked away and he follows her… I watched as she flashes off his touch.. I was getting jealous just watching their interactions… and even though it was obvious a lovers fight.. I wish We as could be as open with our relationship…
I didnโt follow through on figuring out Veronica woes.. I thought itโs best I just leave them alone… I was too emotionally invested in him.. and I didnโt want our secret affair be revealed…
I decided to stay focused on my plans to create another rendezvous… I made up my mind not to allow their relationship to interfere with this secret sexual affair we have between us…
that following Tuesday I was off… and I knew he was too … so I decided to text him asking whatโs he doing? He replies that he is at his aunt birthday party.
An hour after I surprisingly receive A call from him asking me if I could come over…, I quickly.. without hesitation said..โ I will be there โ…
I was so pleased.. and ecstatic that he invites me over….I anxiously get ready and excitingly hurry over to his place..
As soon as I arrived…he pounced on me… he was undressed down to his undies… he started to kiss me ever so hungrily… pulling at my clothes frantically in urgency…….. I join his enthusiasm and quickly got out of them.. as soon they fall to the ground.. he pushed me onto the bed .. help me get on my knees and thrust his hard rock cock in… he began to pump and thrust hard and fast.. and within minutes he blew his spunk filling me up.. that it dribble down my legs…
I lie on my stomach and he stayed on top still inside me… he kissed me on the cheeks and said โthank you , I needed that. โ…. he then roll off my back onto the bed… I turned around.. and said…
โ ooh boy.. that was intense…โ he looked at me and just smile.. I could feel kitty soaking wet and spilling out… I got up headed in the bathroom and took a quick shower to clean up….
He was lying on his back.. all naked.. I got a wet rag and decided to clean him up a little… he began to get stimulated again from my touch… and I continued to play with him…
I want to get him all excited.. and I decided to try the eatable chocolate that we didnโt get to on valentines….I placed it all over his chest down to his hard cock.. and I started to lick and lap it up.. I started on his chest.. paid a little attention to his nipples.. nibbling and sucking lightly… and work my way down…
oooh maan !!!! Did he love me eating and licking it off his chest …. he was getting impatient for me to reach the prize… and he grab hold of my head and try to guide me to it… I resist at first but he became forceful in an urgent manner so I obliged and began by taking him slowly in my mouth and slowly back out.. enjoying the taste of the chocolate… I licked until it was all gone..
I gobbled up every last drop… he was very excited by then. And he pulled me on top of him and I straddled him.. as he gently enters me… with his hand on my hips.. he raises his …up and down as I ride him.. I was feeling an orgasm building as I clench and grip him with his every thrust….it didnโt take us long to reach our goal…we cum with a blast…
I was quivering and shaking with ecstasy… as he watched me… smiling proudly.. he ease me off onto the bed..and got up and went to take a shower… I. Decided to join him seeing that I was also sticky from the chocolate….
We came out .. get dressed causally… and headed to the kitchen… He mentioned he was hungry so I fixed him something to eat…. we watched a little tv.. and I sat there quietly with his head in my lap.. thinking.. this is what couples do..???
We headed back into the bedroom.. and I wanted more loving.. but he didnโt seem interested so I just follow his suit and just lie there beside him..wrapped up in his warm arms…I again spent the night with him..
I left him that morning.. thinking how he took me to places and heights I have never been… we had a good time together. And sexually we were enjoying each other…
Every time with him seems to be better and better. I was falling deeper and deeper for him. What was I doing? How am going to get out of this? The more I see and the more time spent with him the more I want him. My feelings were getting entangled into a causal affair that has no future… but.. I decided to enjoy him for as long he allows me to…
I was starting to get confident and assurance that he likes me some…he couldnโt love on me like he does without liking me… I keep telling myself..
So…
The following week I asked him if I can come over.. thinking he wonโt refuse me… but..to my surprise and disappointment …
. He started to tell that Iโm acting like we are in a relationship and to remember that we are only friends with benefits. I fell silent and suddenly became embarrassed.. I felt very awkward…
Without another word I walked away… I just didnโt know how to respond to him.. he was right… and even though it hurts me to hear him say it .. I did agreed to causal no relationship status…
The next few days I just do what he does.. ignore him pretend that I didnโt feel anything for him… I decided to give him up.. and stop playing this game with my heart… he made it clear that itโs never going to be any more than just sex…
We have had enough… I got much more than I ever thought possible.. so here and now I tell myself.. itโs over….
……,And so I got one more time to spend with MYLOVE-LOVE {. I COULDNโT BELEIVE MY LUCK}
As I stand there waiting for him to answer the door my mind was whirling with thoughts of being in his arms…
Finally he opened the door.. and I was so amazed just how gorgeous he looked… he was shirtless and his chiseled chest was so inviting…
He greets me with a kiss on the cheek.. took my hand and led me to the bedroom… he jumped on the bed and patted it beside him signifying suggestively for me to join him…
….he was lying there looking so good and sexy just waiting for me. I obliged eagerly… and I hugged him as I joined him pressing into his chest… stroking it very tenderly as I start to put butterfly kisses all over that gorgeous chest…
He had just taken a bath … he smells so fresh and feels so cool and extra good. I enjoyed the taste of him as I inhaled his scent getting lost in the moment…
he immediately started to kiss me, and his kisses sent warmth to every crevices of my body…he felt so good and smell so delicious, as I continued to love on his most beautiful chest.. moving downward… slowly kissing and loving on his perfect body…..
He was lying there softly moaning with pleasure… as I fumbled with his pants I looked up at his face.. he had his eyes closed and when I stopped and prompted him to lift his hips so I could slide them off he opened them and preceded to help me discard it…
He kicked them off… and resumed his position…
I had bought a vibrating toy for sexual pleasure and I had it with me.. I mentioned it to him…and asked him if we could try it and play with it….surprisingly he was all gamed,
He said โletโs playโ I got it out .. showed it to him.. he was very amused and eager to try it… and so the games began..and play we did.
We had some fun playing with our new toy.. and we made love over and over and over until we were both spent from exhaustion… his love making was very intense… tender and loving…
We lay there beside each other… catching our breath and just savoring the moment… he looked at me smile.. quickly jumped up.. tower over me…placed a playful kiss on my mouth , nibbled my neck with small kisses and asked me if I wanted something to drink..
I merely giggled in amusement at him and nodded… he went off to the kitchen as I lay there wondering if heโs starting to like me … I couldnโt get this smile off my face.. I was so exhilarated thinking of the way he just love on me….
He came back in and handed me a glass with drink.. and lie down watching me… I finished my drink…move over next to him .. he had his hand behind his head. And he removed one and pulled me into him…
I just nestled happily up next to him.. he then pulled the cover over us…I wanted to get up and take a shower but I didnโt want to leave the comfort of his warmth…I was enjoying him much too much… and refused to lose this connection .. I just didnโt want it to end…
He then started to talk about his childhood… I quietly listened not saying much.. I just lie there in awe of him.. I must have dozed off and snoring because I was awaken by him holding my nose… I looked up at him… and he just tweaked my nose again.. and said .. โ letโs sleep… โ
I responded by turning around and let him spoon me and hold me closely to him.. he placed his cheek on my head.. and I heard him sigh.. ever so pleasingly… I smile and reached for his hand that he had wrapped around me and kissed it as I wrapped it more tightly around me….
I again spent the night next to him and in his arms… I was in glory land. Being with him gives me so much joy. I get a surge of happiness I never before experience.
The more times I spent with him the more I feel for him.. and the more I want him.. and I hoped it means that he was liking me some.
We woke up and made love a couple of times before we both got up and took a needed shower….
I left him that morning very happy and fulfilled… I was on cloud nine… but still wondered if I will ever get another chance to be with him… I always left wondering because we never talked about us…
All night with him.. all that loving.. and the subject of us .. was never mentioned… I am so afraid of the answer that I rather not know…and I keep telling myself Iโm just going to enjoy him as much as he allows me..
I keep smiling all that day and keep reflecting back to our night of playtime and sweet loving… couldnโt believe he was so willing to try that little toy….I was so pleased he was so gamed… it was fun.. I fully enjoyed him….
I told myself that I have to work on our next rendezvous… because I was so eager to spend another night in his sweet arms.. and experience some more of his passionate loving…..
I received a text from him a few days later… I was very pleased to hear from him.. but.. When I read what it says… I was kinda puzzled and a little hurt….
He was asking me to come by his house to meet his father. He implied that he wanted to hook me up with his him…
My mind was in a turmoil because it became very obvious that he really didn’t like me….and all my efforts to show him the extent of my true feelings for him seems in vain..
Our age difference really poses as an impact on how he sees me… it was just sex to him…causal sex….
I was not very pleased with his suggestion….. but…
I agree to go to his home because it meant seeing him and getting a chance to be with him, an I want to try to explain to him that he is my only interest…
I was very annoyed that he wanted to pass me on to his father..
. I got to his house, that afternoon.. after work…A man who I assumed to be his father, answered … I greeted him, introduced myself and asked for him…
He told me he was in his bedroom.. I politely sat down hoping for him to exit and come out to join us.. his father tried to have a conversation with me.. but my mind was so preoccupied with raging thoughts of him wanting to pass me on to his father…that I was not focused on what he was saying…
I became very impatient waiting… realizing that he was intentionally staying in his bedroom to give us a chance to know each other..
I asked his father to excused me and I went .. knocked on his door.. and walked in the bedroom to confront him…
I angrily told him that I didn’t appreciate that he is trying to pass me on like a piece of old clothes Which he can discard after using…
I tried to explain to him…Itโs him I like and itโs not because Iโm desperate and need a man that badly… I let him know my desires is just for him…
I became very emotional knowing that he really doesn’t like me… I was a little embarrassed and so hurt to accept this realization…
I began telling him I was going and making the promise to leave him alone seeing that he doesn’t share my feelings… I began to walk towards the door… getting ready to leave..when he pulled me back to him.. encircled me in his arms and kissed me ever so passionately….
Of course I didn’t resist him.. and to my surprise and pleasure he fervently starts to undress me…
.then I think of his father on the outside and I try to resist, telling him …
“no your father is outside “…
but that did not deter him and I was much too turned on by now … I really didn’t want him to stop…I was all for it.
I wanted him, I couldnโt resist him. kitty was twitching… getting soakingly wet and all she wanted was to feel that hard throbbing dick sliding it’s way inside ….easing my burning desires that was getting so intense with his every touch.. I felt I was ready to explode….
I was so hottt…
He led me to the bathroom, where it was more private….
bend me over the sink .. I welcome him eagerly as he enters me with a deep plunge… I gasped with pure pleasure as he began thrusting hard with the same urgency I was feeling… we both cum within minutes with an explosive orgasm…
he had to put a hand over my mouth to keep me quiet… I couldn’t control or contain my emotions… he had my legs trembling and kitty begging for more.. I tried to get seconds..
He led us back into the bedroom.. as I continued loving on his chest… kissing him… Pressing closely into him.. showing him how much I still want him..whispering .. “one more time.. I want you… please..??!!!! ”
but he resisted … and reluctantly.. pushed me away..as he heard his father called his name.. he got up got dressed as I watched him.. and walked out to his father…
I was left inside trying to calm down and regain my composure….
I was still so hottt.. and ready to explode again that I decided to touched kitty to give her an ease from the pulsating rhythm that was causing this burning, electrifying and intense convulsions…and with one touch I was sent in a height of ecstasy.. I stood there for a couple minutes waiting for my body to stop convulsing and twitching.. I wanted him so badly…
It took me a little longer than I expected to find my composure.. but..
I got up.. went to the restroom and get properly dressed and calm myself down… brush my hair and timidly went out to join them… I was self conscious knowing his dad knew exactly what took place in that bedroom…
I was smiling to myself feeling very pleased..as I silently thought….
and so we had a quickie. It was so excited and sweet. What he does to me and for me. How am I going to get pass him.
. I was still thinking of the fact that he did not want me enough that he tries to hook his father up with me; it only tells me what he really feels for and about me. I was a bit hurt but try to understand how he thinks.
I was not mad at him only sorry I was so much older that I could not ask or expect anything of him.
I wanted him, ….how I wanted him!!!!’, …but how can I have him?
He took me home and I sadly walked away… knowing there is no hope for me being with him…
The next two weeks I just live to see him. I couldnโt wait for each day to come just to get the chance of seeing him. But for most part.. apart from an occasional “hi”.. he completely again ignored me…
I started to take lunch for him daily.. knowing it gives me a way of connecting with him.. he enjoyed my cooking so I take pleasure in preparing it for him..
We had our lunchtime together whenever possible…. this was my way of getting him close and be close to him…while secretly hoping to ignite his sexual desires to want me again…
He spent most of his time with Veronica..It would break my heart every time I see them together…but I had accepted that fact that they were a couple..
I would still seek him out after work, talk to him, but I know he had no interest in me.
Even though I enjoy seeing him daily and enjoy our little chitchat whenever I get the chance to.. it only serves to peak my sexual desires for him..
I keep reliving our few times together..which only intensified my passion and allowing me to crave for some more of him….
MY desire was again building to the surmount .. so much that I find it difficult to control my thoughts.. I became so overwhelmed with the desire to share his bed again…that I made up my mind to asked.. yet again for another time with him..
He was off this particular day and I missed seeing him that day… he consumes my mind all day.. so I wanted to connect with him…
I sent him a text …asking if we could get together…
He text back saying heโs on his way to Deltona. I was a bit disappointed but I kind of expect that answer. But still pleased that he at least responded instead of ignoring..
I was there sulking for about…two minutes ….. whenI received another text from him saying…
..โyea com by my house I b home I am on my way backโ.
I was so happy and elated. I reply,
โif you could only see the smile on my face. I will be there.โ
I became very anxious for the time to arrive for me to leave work.. it couldn’t come fast enough…
I hurried home took me a shower get ready as fast As I could..and headed over.. with heart thudding and racing with exciting anxiety…
I was smiling and happy that I took that chance of contacting him and asking him to see me…. the ride to his house was only ten minutes.. but it seems to take forever..
I was like a schoolgirl with her first crush…
When I finally got to his house I knocked and waited what seems like an eternity for him to answer…๏ฟผI couldn’t wait to pounce on him…
After that baby sitting incident … and my vast disappointment ,I was convinced that we would never be together again… I came to terms that he really doesn’t share my desires to reconnect sexually….
This feeling..however didn’t last too long.. ..
seeing him everyday… only infuses my mind with a sense of exhilaration… and consumes my thoughts as I continuously relive that passionate night we shared…
playing it in my mind, thinking how he felt; how he looks… only serves to ignite my desires with intensity and my need to experience him again..
I decided to to be bold and ask him for a night, seeing that he is not going to asked me…
It was coming to valentines and our birthdays. Mine the 16th and his 17th. I took this as an opportunity to place my request..
I bravely ask him if I could see him for Valentines. At first he said no, but I didn’t give up… I became insistent..I mention it every chance I got…
He even gives me a lecture on how we are not a couple and that he really don’t like me like that.. I in turn reminded him of our night together and asked him ..
” was that you not interested… you loved on me like you like me.. was that not real??!!!!”
He stuttered something inaudible… smile.. nodding his head.. then suddenly agreed to see me on valentines….
I smile ever so brightly and quickly responded..
” it’s a date…”
I was more than happy. I was ecstatic.
I guess my reminder of our night works in my favor and allow him to realize and recall the extreme intimacy we shared that most memorable night… thus…awakening his desire to want me again…
I went ahead and plan a very romantic and sensuous night…I bought this eatable chocolate, with the intention of smearing it all over him… and slowly licking it off ….I got some heated scented massage oil.. knowing I’m going to give him a massage.. with a happy ending…
and I got him a beautiful card… I had our night all planned out… I’m going to make it another night to remember..
I got my date…!!!!!!
He was still seeing Veronie and I was a bit jealous but my need to be with him was stronger than my jealousy and envy. And all that matters to me at that point was being with him anyhow I can and I was not going to let anything spoil my time with him. I decided I am going to enjoy him to the fullest. –
I was so excited, and so full of anticipation I could hardly wait!!!! and then it’s here….
We decided that I would find my way over to him… I got ready with all my little knickknacks… a little overnight bag…
I’got to his apartment, knock on his door, I was so nervous with anxiety… heart pounding.. butterflies In the pit of my stomach…as I waited for him to answer my knock…
And at last he opened his door…he stands there in a sweatpants… smiling …to me he was the most beautiful sight.. I smile in return …a little shy, but elated..he invited me in… I inhaled a deep breath.. finding the courage to enter.. he hugged me and give me a little peck on he cheek… and led me to the couch and we got under a blankie he had been obviously using before I came…it was a cold night….
WE started off watching a little movie, but, being so close to him… I couldn’t control my raging desires…couldn’t keep my hands off him. I have been wanting him for so long… I couldn’t help myself… I eagerly kiss him with passionate urgency… tracing my lips down his neck to his most beautiful chiseled chest…
When he couldn’t resist any Longer he got up .. pulling me with him.. wrapping the blanket around us.. we silently proceed to the bedroom.
It was cold night and as we made our way to the bedroom wrapped under the blanket, MYLOVE-LOVE and I…arm in arm…
I stumbled..he catch me, steady me, and said, โI got you, itโs ok.โ
I just smile, feeling so good and safe just being there with him, and I lovingly and playfully pinch his buttock. ..
He looked down at me.. smile and pulls me closer to him…
Once in bedroom .. he lie on his back pulling me on top of him.. I straddled him and started to kiss him again..he began to undress me… and I allow him to..
He then flip me onto the bed.. undressed himself..and we made sweet love…we cum with such force that leaves us both breathless .. my whole body was convulsing repeatedly… I was in ecstasy heaven…
he was still lying on me as he raised his head and looked down at me And said…
“Wow!!! You are amazing…”
I just hugged him close to me.. and kiss his neck and broad shoulders…we lie there in each other arms .. enjoying the feeling and thrill of the ecstasy we just experienced…
A few minutes has passed and our breathing was back to normal.. so I decided to suggested giving him a massage. He was all gamed.
I got up retrieve my little bag of goodies.. he was now lying on his side raised by his elbow as he watched me.. I pull the card out and gave him bashfully…
he looks at me quizzically… open it up.. read it out loudly… smiled… look at me.. raised his eyebrows… says hmm softly… as he reached out and pull my face to him … kiss me softly on the lips and whispered..
” I love it.. thank you.”
I blushed and smile back at him… and simple nod my head …
I then instructed him to role over..he got on his tummy …I very gentle pour the oil on his back….and sensuously caress and massage it in.. I moved slowly down till I reached his buttocks….so round… so firm…. mmmm …I bent down and kiss that sink in his back using the tip of my tongue to trace the path to his buttock..
he let out a deep groan,”mmmm”. I smiled pleasingly.
I love the taste of him as I knead his buttock lovingly… He decided to roll over…and whoaaa!!!!! He was ready again…
I took him in my hands and I looked up at him and he has his eyes closed with a face showing pure pleasure… I put some of the oil in my hands… and latter him in it… He starts to moan softly and said,”shit… shit..”. (his favorite words)
I then lick at the tip… circling it with my tongue… I repeat a couple times. Flickering the underside… where it’s super sensitive.. he started to bop.. so I wrapped my mouth over him and pull him all the way down my throat…he thrust his hip up and place his hand on my head urges me on… he uses his hand to guide my motion as I devour him…he tastes so good…
This leads to another session of pure delightful pleasure…We make love for the next hour or so.. I had my night of pleasure and nothing matters at that moment but lying there in his arms …
I love that he always let me spend the complete night with him.. so I can lie there wrapped in his arms and him in mine.. while I savor our passionate lovemaking ..
as we lie there quietly trying to sleep.. so exhausted but very satiated … pleasantly satisfied…
he became very quiet and was a bit distant and aloof, as if he drifted off into another world .. I silently hope he was not regretting having me over.. or regretting making such beautiful love to me…
I quickly shrugged the thought off .. refusing to let anything ruin this moment
I did not care what was causing his mood…because I was exactly where I wanted to be. My most favorite place. Right next to him.
He then started to talked a little about his life and his dreams. He was opening up to me..
He told me what his plans for the future was.. what he wants for his children… what he hoped to accomplish…
how I enjoyed just lying there listening to him, learning about him and feeling so close and connected to him. I felt he was opening up to me accepting me, and getting closer to me. I was very pleased… it was heavenly..
He fell asleep and as I watched him sleeping a huge rush of emotions rush through me…. I hug him close to me and try to savor every minute with him because I was thinking this maybe our last time together like this..
I know he doesnโt want me or like me like that. And I couldn’t dismiss the fact that Veronica is his girl…
I drifted off to sleep with his head on my chest as I cradled him in my arms..and my chin on his head…very contented and super happy in this moment…
( I may hate myself in the morning.. but I’m gonna love him tonight… everyone knows someone they can’t help but want…and even we just can’t make it work out.. well the want to just lingers on…and once again we end up in each other arms pretending that it’s right…)
I woke up to a phone call frommy sister) wishing me HAPPY VALENTINES. We spoke for a few minutes..
He was awake by then..
I got up took a shower..ask him if he wants breakfast he said, โyesโ …
I went to the kitchen to see what he had to make breakfast.. I found some eggs.. bacon.. I was busy preparing the bacon .. I wanted to impress him with a good breakfast…
I was standing over the stove when I felt him behind me. He was kissing my neck and his hands found its way between my legs to my kitty.. she instantly reacted to his touch..
She got really excited and all turned on. I couldn’t resist him..It felt so good that I dropped everything and respond to him. He bent me over as I eagerly receive him. I had to tippy toe as he slowly entered me …Gosh!!! It felt so so so…good;
He then led me to the couch still inside me..I kneel on it and bent over the back.. as he continued to pound and thrust his slippery coated cock in and out ever so expertly… I cum so hard I gushed all over him.. while he burst open and flood me with his spunk…
He gave me one of the best loving I ever had. I couldnโt believe that I could feel like that. And when we were finished I wanted more, much, much more. I was on fire… but we ran out of time… he had to get to work…
So my night ended with a bang.
I hurriedly finished cooking what I started…We ate…and he took me home. I was smiling all day. MYLOVE-LOVE sure knows how to put a smile on my face. I was happy and contented for the next two days.
Our birthdays was coming up…I bought a cheese cake and a bottle of moscato wine for his birthday and I thought I could convince him to spend it with me… he denied my request.. I wanted a repeat of our valentines night… But…..
He he made plans with Veronica… she got him for his birthday…. I was very jealous not wanting to share him with her or anyone else.. but..
I could not command him like that..
I die inside knowing that he wanted her and not me but I have to accept that we could never be.
I smile every time I thought of us. The memories of my nights with him was imbedded in my mind….
I didnโt allow him and Veronica to bother me much ..because I get to see him every day, and as long as Iโm able to see him I could cope with my emotions. Iโd settle for friendship I told myself..
I was just fooling myself though..
Because….
my desires and need for him was growing with each passing day.. and the more I see him and the more I reflect back on those passionate nights .. the more I want him..
How can he love me like that then ignore me … ???? I find it hard to accept my fate… and pretend that I don’t care… because.. I was way pass casual..
I was getting so anxious for him to suggest us getting together again… and I starting to believe that it’s never going to happen when…..
He asked me to baby sit for him… he got his three younger kids every other week… and he have to find someone to stay with them while he works… and it has been getting difficult for him to find willing babysitters ..
I had volunteer my service when he mentioned this to me… so I guess he was taking me up on my offer…
Of course… I was more than happy to do so, because it means being with him again. I was hoping and expecting a night like the one we have had ….
I spent all evening in great anticipation of the night ahead.. my mind was fill with thoughts of the wonderful lovemaking we were gonna make…
I wasn’t even thinking that it would be awkward with the kids being present…
I make sure the kids were all in bed before he got home… but he was much later in arriving than I had presumed..
I sat there anticipating a night full of passion… as I visualized all I would do to him.. I was so impatient waiting for him to come through that door..
He was quite late after he got off work … I knew he was with veronie.. I was getting a little jealous with the thought as I sat there waiting for him to walk through the door…
Sigh ๐…!!!!
he was still seeing her and I believed they were a couple but I decided to enjoy him when Iโm with him and not to mention anything or anybody to upset our time together.
I found out that she babysits for him also and that she stays over too…. I felt very jealous and a bit mad but I remembered our deal. Just casual.
. [I knew I could not compete with a younger girl ; I knew I had nothing to fight with. And I agreed to no strings.โ I was helpless and hopeless. Here I am, wanting this guy with everything I got and couldnโt demand, command or ask anything of him.]
When he finally came home he was very distant and very casual… I was very disappointed.. realizing I expected too much…he was no interested in me sexually…
He seems tired and decided to sleep on the couch, I asked him where am I going to sleep. He casually told me wherever I liked. I was not too happy about that and then he just ignored me… I then realized that he had no intention of making love to me..
Too late I realized that this was just a babysitting favor… he had no intentions of repeating our one night together… it’s over.. I suddenly felt like the biggest fool..
So I was not going to have the same experience. He does not want me like that. I wanted to leave, I would have left but I couldnโt because he was asleep and I didnโt want to call john so late. So I just steam and fight with me all night because I was feeling neglected, rejected and lonesome.
I tried to justify his behavior..
He probably was just tired and didnโt feel like fooling around but my my mind is telling me …he just does not want me anymore . It was just a one night stand..
I try to convinced myself with all the plausible explanations I could come up with.
I didn’t even stop to think of the kids.. I was so wrapped up in my own emotions and desires.. …
As I sit there watching him sleep…I grew very emotional and very angry at myself…
I felt so bad I started to cry, I got up .. went into the bathroom..sat there …beating myself up…..feeling like a complete fool, thinking why I allow myself to be treated like this. I even swear that I will never do this again.
I was in there for a while not knowing exactly what to do or what to think…I couldn’t believe that I was so stupidly infatuated that I was so blind…
He got up to check on the kids and saw me sitting in the bathroom, asked me what Iโm doing there.. showing no concern..and went back to sleep.
I then decided to come out and I went and lie between his legs and put my head on his tummy. I just wanted to be close to him…Thatโs where I spent the rest of the night.
I woke up feeling quite comfortable lying on him, nowhere else Iโd rather be, but it ended soon, much too soon. I was hoping he would want to make love: I playfully touched and rub against his cock… hoping to trigger some reaction… but nothing… he just push me aside.. got up and didn’t make any effort towards me so I know he was not interested.
Maybe because the kids was there .. and he didn’t want to take the chance of them catching us.. I was so selfishly thinking about me… I simply forgot about the babies.
I again tried to justify his cold and aloof reaction…
He got the kids up took them to school and me home. It was a silent trip…
I Was very disappointed, I guess he did not like me as much as I thought and I was convinced that was the end of us. I tell myself that I’m not gonna put myself in that position ever again..
So we had a one night stand. It was good.. but it’s as much as I’m ever going to get with him…
I wanted more, much more, but it was out of my control…. He obviously didn’t share my feelings..
I got home and analyze the night and convince myself that I might have over reacted just a tad..
What was I thinking.. wanting a night of passion with three babies ๐ถ in the house….
Over the next few weeks..
With all this, it was still a very joyous and happy time for me. I still savor the memories of that one night we shared together…
And even though he was giving me the cold shoulder, ignoring me and dismissing me. Just seeing him gave me so much joy. It was like getting a buzz. I love the sensation I got just thinking of him.
He stopped talking to me much… and he totally avoided me… I was a little hurt by his strange attitude… but accepted the fact that I want the impossible…
I waited impatiently hoping for a next time. I thought I would remain causal.. and just maintain a friendly attitude…
I would him text every morning and every night. Me thinking Iโm keeping his mind on me, instead I was becoming quite obsessive.
He was not responding to my text or calls. At work he completely ignores me. He spends most of his time with veronica and all the other young girls. I felt so bad for me but tell myself that โitโs ok, Iโm too old for him anyway.โ I console myself, convincing me that Iโm unable to compete for his affections. Why would he like me? But with knowing all this I still hope for more of him.
I silently lust for him… and secretly trying to find a way to convince him to be with me again…
I know I should have given up… but I was like a woman who got hooked on drugs and was craving for a buzz.. I so much wanted another dose of him…
I will find a way… I have to find a way to get him back into my arms… and between my eager legs…
After that initial night he cancelled, I waited for him to suggest a next date . He didn’t called and he didn’t say anything to me about it… I see him everyday and for the next couple of weeks I kinda gave up on the idea. he was still seeing veronie and he wasn’t giving me too much attention.
I just thought I’d let it go.. I guess I was overly ambitious..
It was a Tuesday. He was off ; I work the closing shift. I missed seeing him but to my surprised… He showed up, looking so handsome, all dressed up. He stopped to talk to me, I was all smiles, so pleased to see him. a bit jokingly he ask if I want him to come for me later.
I told him not to play with me like that and he said he is not playing… I was sitting down and he came up behind me and kiss me on the cheek., and whispered ” see you later.” winked at me as he walked out..
I watched walking away.. thinking.. hmm ๐ค.. could he he serious… as I sit where he left me.. I was savoring that kiss on my cheek as I touched the spot still feeling the tingly effects…
It gives me such a thrill .. I was smiling and hoping that he was being serious…I still did not believe that he was.. but at it roll around to closing time.. I waited in great anticipation for his text… about twenty minutes before we got ready to leave.. I got his text..
โhow u doingโ
I answered, and he text back โIโll be there to give you a ride, or u can ride me.”
I smile at his suggestion and quickly answered,
” okay.. I will be waiting..”
he did come for me. And I was trying my best not to let my friend knew that he was picking me up..
I was very nervous .. I was not prepared for this encounter but… find myself getting all excited in anticipation.. when I got to his place I was shaking a little,
So , I excuse myself to the bathroom to get my nerves and freshen up a little I took me a quick shower.. . When I came out he was only in his underpants.
I had to catch my breath, he was so beautiful. He had this sexy perfect body,
his chiseled chest, his strong muscled legs, he was a sight to behold, I completely forgot my fears.
he then pulled me to him and kiss me… good god! He kisses like a dream,
I was caught up in a whirlwind of passion… He tasted so good feel so wonderful and then he lay back on the bed taking me along with him and asked me to get on top and I refused..told him no , I did not want to embarrass myself so soon..
He just scoop me up put me on the bed straddled me and said, โthatโs ok, thatโs why u got a young boy for..”
. I would have love more foreplay but I was so ready to feel him inside of me.. I took hold of his hard throbbing cock… gentle stroking and enjoying the feel of it.. guiding him to my soaking wett and eagerly twitching kitty.
And then he enters me… slowly.. I gasp with pure pleasure as he started to thrust gentle at first building up tempo as I beg him to go faster…and harder… he eagerly obliged
. I canโt start to tell you how that feels… I was in heaven.
And he sure knows how make me feel good
. And he kept on saying,โoh shit, oh shit, oh shit.โ
And I kept thinking โoh shit, oh shit, oh shit.โ
He was enjoying me as much as I was enjoying him..
We both cum with a force and I held on to him tightly, not wanting to let him go… he was smiling as he lean in and whispered,
“You felt so good.” and planted a most passionate kiss on my lips.. I smiled… so happy and so pleased.. he was everything I thought he would be. I refrain from responding.. just didn’t know what to say.. I was still enjoying the feeling of pure ecstasy… and kitty was still throbbing and pulsating from that intense orgasm…
I was glad I got the opportunity to be with him. I stayed over that night and we made love again& again, I watched him sleep, hold him in my arms and wake up beside him. I came away wanting more and wondering if I will ever a get another chance to be with him. I canโt forget how he looks while he was sleeping or how it feels to hold him in my arms. Truth be told.. I feel deeper in love with him .. he was MYLOVE-LOVE
All that week I was walking on air anticipating our next time. Afraid to ask him. couldโt take my eye or my mind off him. I kept on picturing that gorgeous, sexy body of his.
I couldn’t look at him without seeing him behind his clothes.. he consumed my mind.. and kitty was so longing to experience him again…
A week has passed and I was hoping for an opportunity to suggest another date..
But he was a little distant and a little uninterested..
He was still with veronie… and it tears my heart to shreds each time I see them together…
I wanted him so badly.. I wanted to ravage and devour him …I was so eager for another chance.. I wanted more.. yes..more…
But I think I just have to accept that it was a one time thing.. he was not giving me any encouragement and I keep remembering our agreement and the stipulation of terms…
Again I was forced to forget about a US… and let go…
Christmas came and past .. we were experiencing some really cold snaps this year… days at a time…
The first week of January ….was so cold and I have noticed that he didn’t have a warm enough jacket to be working outside….so I brought him a one so he could be warmer ….He accepts and said thanks.. and later that morning…he walks over to my cash register to express his gratitude.. I have this silly smile on my face.. just so pleased to have him close and being attentive to me..
Then..
he left me…and went to talk to one of my co-worker.. she was one of my bestie at the job; we started together.. she was young , in her twenties..
I noticed his demeanor and saw his smile.. and saw her reaction… and I felt my green monster surfacing.. he was flirting with her and she was very receptive….I became so enraged and got very emotional..
How could he be liking someone else… he likes me….
It was as if my whole world came crashing down on me. He was flirting with my little friend veronica. OH BOY! I was so jealous & crushed.
After he went back to his duties….
she walked over to me and told me she didnโt like me coming on to her guy. I smile and asked her if he is flirting with her and if he liked her …and wanted to know if she likes him in return. She said yes.
I was so hurt and I tried really hard not to show my feelings but I was dying with jealousy on the inside..
I was so devastated ..but …
I couldn’t let on that I was more than interested in him… I thought I was much too old to show interest in a guy so young……so…
what I did…..
I encourage her to be with him. Donโt know why I wanted to do that because I was dying inside. I guess I liked her and I liked him and I just thought they are age appropriate….
He spent all day with her.. even went to lunch together… i was acting and feeling rejected as if we had a relationship going…. It was here that I realize just how strong my emotions has gotten.. My heart was breaking and my hopes of experiencing this marvelous species of a man was lost…
I thought he likes me; I want him to like me. I could not function or focus. I was too distracted with them.. I cried, yes cried because I thought thatโs the end of our story. Well my day was ruin I couldnโt wait to leave and everywhere veronica went so did he and so did my eyes.
I asked to leave early… I just couldn’t stay and watch him flirting with her anymore..
When I was leaving ,I seek him out… and I found him… He was talking to her… I went over to them ask him if I could see him. He came to me and I spill my guts. I told him just how much I like him and how I wanted him and how I have made love to him a thousand times in my mind.
Well he just casually blew me off tells me it was all for fun and that he does not like me like that. Of course my heart sank to its lowest depths…I was so upset. I came home in tears and I decided to text him exactly how I feel. I pour my heart out saying things that was not even appropriate, but brutally honest..but I thought it didnโt matter because it was over. He now has veronica.
But to my surprise and pleasure…
he text me back telling me that he didnโt know that I felt like that and heโs sorry if he hurt me but he was for real and still is…Still is?? I didn’t really expect that answer..
I thought I would leave things as is.. .. It was the beginning of a very emotional roll-a-coaster for me. I kind of gave up on him but try to remain his friend.
I would still text him and seek him out especially after my shift to talk to him, inquiring about his relationship with veronie. acting all interested … but still jealous…
I would also ask her about them too… I would try to advise her and encourage her to like him. And at the same time feel like a hypocrite because here I am ,still wants him , still feel for him and with my heart breaking Iโm playing nice.I do like her and I thought he was the best. So I encouraged their relationship…
..He would still talk about us getting together and I wanted to …so tempted…but every time I see him with vernie I felt unsure.
There was a little episode involving him and this other girl at the store…( every girl want a piece of his sexy ass). She got jealous of him and veronie and started a rumor about him and her.
So I said โoh shit, I donโt need this drama.โ Too old to be involved in melodrama…
But he started to seek me out to talk to me… again showing interest in me.. starting again to flirt with me… and of course I love this attention and when he again start to imply us getting together I was more than willing.
I didn’t asked about the drama that just took place nor his involvement…
he called me.. for the second time….we talked about us and what’s been happening between us..and our desire to get involved… he let me know that he has been thinking of me in a sexual way… and that he would love to show me…
So I agreed to enter a relationship with him…. eagerly..
He has his stipulation…and I seriously thought I was old and mature enough to handle these terms…
We both agree it would be casual for long as he was single and if and when he find someone else it would mean the end of us. And I agreed to the terms, thought I could handle a fling without getting emotionally attached. I had build up this fantasy with him and I wanted so much to experience him that nothing else matters as long as I got what I wanted….
(I was already emotionally invested… so I was only fooling myself…. and this casual no strings attached… was not likely with me..)
I didn’t even asked about veronie… I didn’t even care… all that matters is …I’m going get my chance to enjoy him as much as I want to… and i couldn’t wait for that time to come..
We made a date one evening …. I was so excited and a bit nervous.. as I got ready I was getting so flustered and getting a stir with thought of loving on him.. and having him loving me..I was anxious just to be next to him..
but at the last minute he cancelled because his brother got himself in some kind of trouble ad he said he have to go take care of him…, and I thought WOW!! What a guy so dedicated to his family. I was so intrigued by him from the beginning.
I was very disappointed to say the least.. but I understood.. I was so impressed with how caring he was and how loyal and kind he seems to be..
It all started with. Me working at โTHE HOME DEPOTโ at the front end, as a cashier….working there, I found out that a lot of men passes through and me being who I am, a flirt, of course I had a ball getting my flirt on; and we have a hundred plus workers with 75% guys…. and man with my personality … i had all these guys liking me… I was in my zone. Being a cougarwasn’t ever my intentions… but the heart and the kittywantswhat it wants…
Of course.with all that attention, I started feeling very sensual and appealing…
they had a night crew starting at 10pm. I used to greet them as they walk in whenever I worked the closing shift.. there was this one guy; about 6’2″ .. good-looking… great body.. and a little young.. but old enough to catchmyattention…
Whenever I had to pleasure to see him walk in , I would smile brightly at him beamingly…and say ever so sweetly
โHey, How u doingโ
He would smile that smile of his… raise his eye brow…. nod his head and say โHiโ. Andlooking at mewithdesire.. I read a lotinto his eyes and his sheepishlysmile..
I was verytickled…
As he passes me by, I wouldlingeringly watch him walk away ….thinking….Mmm, nice guy .. smiling and fantasizing… wishing I could command a guy like him.. if only I was a little younger , Ithought..
This continues for the rest of that year… and I would look forward seeing him whenever I close.. he became a fascination with me… he really intrigued me and I longed for a chance to know him more…
I got my desire when…
HOME DEPOTโ decides to phase out the night crew and transfer all these night workers to days… and this guys became a loader,working outside helping customers with their purchases to their cars.. so he has to work with us cashiers… very much to mypleasure…I soon learn his name and Iintentionally and quickly became his friend ….
having him working so close and seeing him most days; I start to flirt with him and of course he was gamed… I wasn’t very serious I was having my usual fun and enjoying the attention of a sexy gorgeous hunk of a guy…
But ….
He was so gamed and quite receptive to my little insinuations and innuendos.. he started to reciprocate
he began to return the flirtation ….me …of course was very tickled and quite pleased …. making me feel all the more confident in my sensuality.
ButIremaincasualthinkingandknowing … this littlegame of minecould never materialized…
. It allcontinued for a couplemonthsand around to September…
I was on a shortbreakand as usualI seek him outtochitchatwith… weweresittingdownsidebySideandhegently lean towardsme.. andsoftlywhispers….
“I can take you out now, I just made me some good tipsโ he told me one evening.”
I smiled blushing a little… I was a very flattered and felt real good to have this guy years my junior liking me. .. I ask him his age and he told me ….I was a little surprised because I had really thought he was a little older…
so I said really? and confess to him that he is much too young for me… and I don’tdoyoung men..
He laughed and comment confidently that it doesn’t matter… age is but a number..
I just shake my head thinking.. “maan if only he was older.. I really could.. I know I would… I walked away smiling and feeling so so wonderful… all tingly and warm inside…a little disappointed.. but was grinning with pleasure knowing he finds me attractive enough to asked me out..
I had two friends i worked with At my first job… I worked the graveyard shift there….our favorite subject is guys and sex.. these girls are divas and they always have tales about their escapades…
I could only listen but couldn’t never participate.. so this was my chance..
So I mention to them, what was taking place between me and this youngguy….about his attentions, how much I am enjoying it…but how young he was and that I could not think of going there with him because I was so much older
Of course WANDA & LYNN instead of agreeing with me they encourage me to go for it. โTry him out Maxโ they say. โYou might just like him, and it might be good.โ
I smiled and laugh at the idea, but … with their suggestions it had me thinking seriously about him…. and the thought started to appeal to me…
i find myself starting to wanting to be with him..and over the next few weeks I started looking on this guy differently… building up a fantasy with him and every time he flirts with me… I become more and more inclined and fascinated… Before you know it Iโm seeing him in a different light and thinking of him sexually…. Iwasgettingphysicallyattracted to him.. creatingintensedesires…
The more he flirtswithme.. the more myfeelingsescalated… andgivingme more reasons to like him… and adding to mygrowingdesires…
HomeDepot hosted a cookout for us … their employees… on Labor Day…
I was getting my food when I feltsomeonehugged mefrombehind.. He came up behind me wrapped his arms around me, pull me against his firm chiseledchest … and planting a big kiss on the cheek. I gasp withpurepleasure…I was so surprised…amazed and thrilled all in one. I turned to him withthemostbrilliantsmile.. and he justsmilebackatmeand wink … I got a hugeemotional rush …I thought about that little incident as I sat theretrying to enjoymymeal…I got goose pimples And a flutteringheart with the thought of him kissing me..
As the weeks goes by I would seek him out to talk to him every chance i got… I started to yearn to be close to him…
He tells everyone Iโm his girl, and I just played along loving the feeling he gives me… I was verypleasedandmyfeelings grow witheach passing day …
He shows a lot of interest in meandoverthenextmonths I tried to learneverything I couldabout him duringour conversations hereandthere…..
Coming on to Christmas …One day in the outside garden he came up behind me while I was sitting down and put his arms around me and hold me close for a while. i just lean in into him enjoying the feeling of him , and experiencing a rush of adrenaline flow..
I couldfeel his heartbeatingagainstmyback… feelings his arms tense as he huggedmecloser… I leanedevencloserinto him feelingsmyselfmeltinginto his arms. And all too suddenly it was over…
I enjoyed that hug so much I couldnโt get it out of mind.
it makes me wanting more and craving his touch.. I must have him …even once. …
I tell myself….
So I Boldlyasked him ..if I gave him my phone number .. would he call me… Iwanted to share my feelingswithhimandmakethesuggestion of us gettingtogether..
.. he said he would…and I waited anxiously for that call that never came..
After a coupleweekswaiting in greatanticipation..I ask him why he hadn’tmakethecall…says he was too busy. but promised he would…
I triedto be understanding… andkeep on hopingandwishingforthatcall… butrealizingthat he is not as interested in me as I had hoped or thought… so I letgo of theidea…
We became inseparable… and going to work become so enjoyable just knowing that he is going to be there .. We talk a lot and he told me all about himself…He has four children, , he stated how much they mean to him. I was surprised to learn he has so many kids at his age….but was very impressed that he was being a good father..
Then he mention His jobs, โHOME DEPOTโ; LAWN SERVICE; BARBER SHOP: NIGHT CLUB &STUDIO RECORDING. To say the least I was more than impressed with him. I thought he was one ambitious and hard-working guy, and he was truly heading for success.
I started to admire his resourcefulness, his drive, his versatility & resilience. Then I started to watch him work on the lot and I realize he does his work with effort and skill. He seems to take what he does seriously and maybe because my feeling was growing for him I put him on this high peddle stone. To me he was a guy to be proud of. He was dedicated to his babies and his work and I like him even more for that. To me he was indeed a special and unique guy.
The more I learn about him the more my feelings get stronger and by time Christmas roll around I was fantasizing and wanting him so bad it hurts. โHOME DEPOTโ was heaven to me because he was there. I live every day just to see him and then I started to get this tremendous and sensational joy that I glow with happiness. I couldnโt contain my smile or hide my joy. Just watching him work use to give me this great pleasure. And thinking of him would give me such a sweet sensation. He became everything to me.
I was so taken with him.. liking him and growing so immensely fund of him getting all excited with a lust that run deep to warm the most interesting places.. I was more than infatuated with him…
I had given up hope of him calling me.. I took it ,thinking he really doesn’t want to be with me as I had imagined… I was still so full of sexual desires but I tried to squash it…
I Thought it would be impossible because I was so much older, and I was thinking he would not & could not like me like that. I beganlosingmyconfidenceandsecurity in mysensuality…
He was still flirting with me and I was still enjoying the attention.. treasuring each and every moment I get to be with him. I used to undress him with my eyes. as I watch him work… I got so turn on watching him. I had goose pimples and a pulsating twitch…My feelings were out of control …I had an intense strong sexual desire for him..
Christmas came and pass and he did call me once.
We talked for about an hour… and I told him how I wasfeelingtowards him..He confesses that he wanted to be with me sexually… I was gamed but a little scared that I was getting way over my head… Istarted to havedoubtsabout a relationship with him..
HewasoftendistantandunpredictableandIwasn’ttoosure he likesmeenough..
I alsostarted to questionmeandmysensuality…
It was a very long time since I being with anybody much less a gorgeous young guy I was afraid thatIwouldn’t be an to liveup to his expectationssexually… andthatImightjustembarrassed myself,
but at the sametime…fill will a sweet kind of excitement in anticipation of getting together with him… my desires to experience and to be with him was more than my reservations..
DEAR READERS…. THIS SEQUENCE IS ANOTHER X- RATED SERIES… MOST OF YOU MAY NOT APPRECIATE OR APPROVE AND MIGHT FIND IT DISTASTEFUL AND GROSS… and …I DO APOLOGIZE FOR OFFENDING ANY ONE…but… I WANTED ALL TO REALIZE JUST HOW SERIOUSLY AFFECTED I WAS BY ALLEN AND JUST HOW EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED I HAVE BECOME…TO ME… HE WAS SO REAL AND I WAS FULLY AND TOTALLY INVESTED… I WAS SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH A MAN JUST FROM A VIRTUAL CONNECTION.. ) and I was as physically Affected as I was emotionally…. and I find that he exudes a very strong and insatiable sexual energy …
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION…but…HE SENT ANOTHER TEXT….
Nitaโฆ he once again called my name.
โIโm getting hardโฆ should I jerk off thinking about youโฆ about sucking your little pink pussy? About stuffing you full of cock?…. or should I go to bed! Yes Iโm dirty.โ
โdo whatever makes you feel good.โI told him.
And yes you love that too!!! He stated. โNo! Itโs us or nothing.
I do.โ I said to him.
Jerk with me?โ he asked.
Canโt.. Got company in my bed.โ I told him. My little cousin sleep over.
So tell me babyโฆ he was asking me. โDo you rub your clit or put your fingers in your pussyโฆ or both? Tell me lover.
He was creating quite a stir in me; my kitty, she start to twitch a little but I could not please her tonight because Paige was beside me sleeping.
โBothโ I told him.
โThatโs fine I understand. But you can tell me.. hey, thatโs greatโฆ ok I will keep it clean. Please sleep well sweet girl.
I then told him, I even taste my cumโฆ.. Gross.
I donโt know why I find it so easy for me to tell him things like this which I never reveal to anybody else. And I thought I he would find it quite disgustingโฆ butโฆ
He surprise me by saying, โgod, I love that. I taste mine too.
You do!โ I said in disbelief.
It natural, he stated. I want to know what itโs like.โ
Really? I asked. โI thought it would gross you outโฆ Me too,โ I confess to want to know what it taste like.
Anyone that says they donโt is a liar.โ He tells me. โWe are honest.โ
โToo honest, I said to him. โCanโt believe Iโm admitting this to you.
And so your pussyโฆ I will make you take it all in your mouth โฆ. And spit it in mineโฆ nice and slow.โ He was telling me. You will finger yourself โฆ and put it in my mouth.
I told him, โYou are freaky.โ
No, I am sexy.โ He countered.
I sent two smiley faces. I was smiling and thinking.. ” yes you are”…. but I did say it to him.. I was too busy reading what he was writing… and my fingers was finding it’s way into my panties.. so I couldn’t stop to write….
I want to feel and taste you.โ He let me know. And you will take care of me โฆ and I will accommodate you in any way you want to.
So I told him. โAnd I want to feel that hard thick dick in me.โ [I was feeling bold I guess or just plain horny for a hard dickโฆ
โAnd I will show you how special your pussy isโฆ and how much I wanted to taste youโฆ we will be perfect because we are comfortable baby… he reassure me. I will fill you full lover. He let me know.
โThatโs right my Allen..โ I responded. โI bet you willโ
You will cum in your manโs mouth โฆ and all over his hard cock. He was saying. And you will cums tons babyโฆ and when you think you canโt take anymoreโฆ I will suck you one more time out.โ
โI do hope so because I love to cum.โ I let him know.
And he keeps on going. Then you might be doneโฆ babyโฆ you will cum till you ask me to stopโฆ if thatโs what you wantโฆ I will pull my hard cock out of you and ask you to suck me or jerk meโฆ and we will change up stuff up like every few minutes!
My kitty was starting to jump around wanting to be touch and played with but I couldnโt .. but my fingers couldn’t resist either… I was slowly and gently playing with miss kitty…
โThought you were tiredโ I asked. โAha haโ I said to him. [Is what I want] โYou are too much but Iโm enjoying every bit of you. I told him.
โAnd I will lick your little pussyโฆ spank your little assโฆ then stuff you full of dick again. Kissing you deep.โ He keep describing what he is gonna do, while my kitty is soaking wet and ready to explode.
So I told him, you are getting my kitty really wet and I canโt do anything about it.โ
He just ignored me, and continued, โTelling you whatโs nextโฆ jerk that pussy.โ
And now I knowโฆ. He was jerking off. So I said, ok, let me work with him.
I canโt bear much more,โ I told him.
I couldnโt resist any longer…so I give my kitty the pleasure she was seeking and with just one touch I cum with such a force it was unbelievable. And she still want some moreโฆ so I try to be as calm as possible with Paige lying next to me… I was in the heights of ecstasy… my whole body was convulsing and jerking with so much pleasure ….
And he kept me entertained, โitโs mine now!!! I want to eat your next huge loadโฆ can you deliverโฆ give me cum babyโฆ itโs mineโฆdeliverโฆ in my mouthโฆ let me swallow you!!… I know you are Cummingโฆ. Itโs mineโฆโ
And Iโm wondering how he knows Iโm Cummingโฆ Iโm on my third roundโฆ so I said to himโฆ
โOk here it comes.โ
Nowโ he said.
โYou can have it.โ I told him.
โLet me eat itโ he begged.
โalmost.โ I told him
Now sexyโฆ I want my load. He begged some more.
Eat it eat it.โ I told him.
Deliverโฆ fuck yeahโฆ give me cumโฆ thatโs mineโฆ. He kept on asking.
Ok do it.โ I begged of him. โCum Allen.โ
You want cum baby?โ heโs asking. โJerk your pussy… I want a second.
Iโm still playing along trying to encourage him, โfuck itโฆ fuck it babyโฆ I said.
I was all caught up in the heat of the moment… visualizing vividly..and yearning his touch…. so much I could feel his him as though he was near me….
โIf Iโm Cumming you cum with me,โ he told me.
Yesโฆ yesโฆ yesโฆโ I said.
Spread that tight pussy for me sexy. Let me have.โ He begged.
โSpreadingโฆ wideโฆ โ I let him know.”
I was responding and actually performing his request and doing everything he suggested…
Letโs do thisโฆ he said. Fingers inโฆ three.
Yes letโs do this.โ I agreed.
โHere comes your load.โ He said. โInside.โ
Awwww โฆ I got it. I told him. {thatโs me trying to entertain him because I really couldn’t go to that extreme tonight.. I have had my fill quietly }
I think he had reached his climax, because he said,
โJesusโฆ.”
“Omgโฆ”
“my goodnessโฆ”
Thank you baby,โ I told him. And I sent him two smiley faceโฆ
โI came huge thinking about you.โ he informs me. โYou blow my mind.โ
I went, ooooh.โ Was so touched.
Please sleep well baby,โ he tells me. โOh and babyโฆ please save our passion for usโฆโ he asks.
You blow my mind too.โ I let him know. โI willโฆ I will.โ { save our passion for us.}
โPlease let me know if you want to play aroundโฆ I will understandโฆ I just need to have my head in the right place,โ he has me know.
You should sleep well now, I told him.
Yes,โ he agreed. I will sleep perfect.
I was there pondering about his statement about me wanting to play around and wondering where that come fromโฆ what was he thinking ofโฆ what was his motive for thinking like this.
So I asks him,โ play around? With whomโฆ you?
With whomever.โ He stated.
Only you.โ I told him trying to convince him.
[ I did not want him to think I was promiscuous or anything of the sorts; because Iโm not and even though Iโm playing a mean and cruel game with him; it was important to me for him not to think badly of me; I was totally in love with him and I want him to like me and think the best of me.}
I just need to know that itโs only usโฆ if notโฆ orโฆโ he was trying to explain.
Why would I want t do that? I asks.
I have no ideaโฆ he told me. โI just need to be cordialโ
So I try to be more convincing let him realize I have no intention or I donโt want to be with anybody else; not now anyways, not after what I was now experiencing with him.
So I told him, โif I was going to I would do so alreadyโฆ itโs by choice that I donโt.
Doesnโt he realize and know that after him with all his passionate and his silly crazy love for me; heโs the only one I want to be with and the only one my heart desires.
Ok loveโฆ just want to put it out thereโฆ he said.โ I want us by choice always. He sounded convinced.
And again I kind of forget I could not give any of what I was promising. I was so caught up in our love and in the moment that I was giving him a lot of false hope; unintentionallyโฆ but I was.
Okโฆ at least we understand each other.โ I say to him.
Night beautiful!!! Iโll be dreaming of us!!! He bade me goodnight. โYes we doโ
You got it.โ I told him. โNight my sweetโฆ thank you for staying up late and sharing with me.โ
Night beautiful!! Sweet dreams pretty girl!! He said again. Godโฆ what a perfect Christmas gift… Us. I love you Wakanita!
I love you Allen!โ I let him know. โIsnโt that so true.โ[The most perfect Christmas gift.]
We finished our conversation and I lay there feeling so hilariously happy to be loved by him. Because I could feel that he does; I could sense his every emotions and I going over in my mind all we just talk about and our sexual fantasy and even though I did not like the fact that he was seeing Paige face when he think of us and when he dream, he visualized her; I know I gave it to him; and then I remember this profound joy I was experiencing was not going to last. I have to tell himโฆ I canโt do this to him any longerโฆ but how? He is going to hate me and I canโt expect for him to like me; Iโm not that pretty twenty year old girl. Right now I wish to be 20 again; I know I would definitely have a chance with him. But Iโm notโฆ and I donโtโฆ and I canโt give him Paigeโฆ
How I love him soโฆ and I know he loves meโฆ no Paigeโฆ whoeverโฆ. I just know that heโs in love just like I am; how many times has he told me that we are experiencing this togetherโฆ GOD!!! Iโm going to lose himโฆ I donโt want toโฆ I but I have to let go of him. I have to tell himโฆ.
And I drift off to a very disturbed dream; I dream I told him and he was so mad and he says the most cruel things to me and look at me with disgust and repulsiveness; and I just sat there not saying anything , my tears flowing and my heart breaking as I watch him walk away very angry with me with that repulsive look.
I woke up early but I could not say anything to him just yet; I was still upset with what I dream and I know I had to find a way of confessing to him; and the thought of him gone was driving me insane; and is losing him I canโt come terms with, to have him leave and to let this feeling die, right now he is the only living thing that keeping me alive, and tomorrow if Iโm here without his love I know I couldnโt survive it. Only his love can save me and I canโt have it. My stomach was all tangled up in knots; how did I get myself in this predicament?
My worst fear is losing himโฆ and I am going to have to….
AS I LAY THERE SOBBING FEELING LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD; A TEXT CAME THROUGH ….
“WENDY”…. he called my name…
“BABY”…. he tried again….
โIโm so sorry โฆ I feel asleepโฆ anywayโฆ please donโt be upset with meโฆ or think Iโm an illusion! Thatโs crazy! Iโm sorry I let you down. Iโm saying night nowโฆ and I do hope you forgive meโฆ. I also hope you are resting well and happy.โ
I was reading what he was saying and I realize that he fell asleep; it never occurred to me that he might fall asleep. Itโs 4am. So I felt really bad about my thoughts and realize I made a terrible mistake in doubting him. So I got up and decided to answer himโฆ so he saw me writing and he saysโฆ
Hey sexy!!! I see you typing!!! Awwww!!! Stop that! Let me hear it! He said anxiously.
I was smiling by then, trying to type what I was saying but not fast enough for himโฆ.
โWendyโฆ
Talk to me!โ he said impatiently.
Pleaseโ
โNowโฆ pleaseโฆ. Anythingโฆโ he pleaded.
โโjust Wakanita words! โฆ
I finally finish what I was saying, โI think its best we talk tomorrow after you get a good night sleep. Right now Iโm crying and canโt talk. I told him.
โOh okโฆ Iโm sorry. He said.
โI understand your frustration with meโฆ I do get it… I try to let him know.
โI was so excited to talk to you, I had no idea you were upset with meโฆ Iโm sorry for being so ignorantโฆ I will not contact you again.โ He stated.
“not contact me again???? oooh my…..
I just realize that we got our wires crossed, we both misunderstood each other; I thought he was annoyed at me and he thought I was mad with him; and now he is threatening not to contact me again. I have to try to fix thisโฆ
โWhy are you giving up on us?โ I asked. โAll a big misunderstandingโฆ so you fell asleep… ok, I just thought you were ignoring me. I told him.
He stops writing again and I was not too sure if it is because he fell asleep again or if he was really gone.
โNow youโre gone again?โ I asked. I forgive you my love.โ I told him not wanting to lose him.
โNo babyโ he said. โIโm hereโ
โgood.โ I said happily,.(smiling so huge) โAre you sleepy? I asked. I know itโs late.
Then he says, โplease donโt be sensitiveโฆ please know Iโm realโฆ and we are strong!
We are strong.โ I agreed…
โyes itโs late but we are super strong.โ He told me. โNitaโฆI love you babyโฆ that is real.โ
For sure.โ I said. โIt makes me happy.โ
I forget again that we can never be; I was so wrapped up in his love all I was doing was living in the moment and just feeling and receiving all the love, emotions and desires that he was giving me…..
And I was also trying to convince him to stay..so afraid that he is gonna walk away…..
โSo we are back on track? I asked.
โGoodโ he says. โOne day you will understand! Till then you just know what feels right. Ok?… babyโฆ we were never off track.
Thank you for that.โI told him. โIโm glad. Then I asked him, โDo you want to go to sleep?โ
โNitaโฆ I know stuff is a mess for youโฆ but babyโฆ we are going to be constant you will seeโฆ yes Iโm tired. He told me. โBut baby I canโt have you flipping out on me.โ
I thought he must be very tired to be dozing off in the middle of our conversation, and I thought I was totally being selfish wanting him to keep talking to me. So I asked himโฆ.
โSo do you want to continue this discussion tomorrow?โ
โI need you loving your man!โ he was telling me. โYes please.โ
I told him, โIโm resilient.โ [To me flipping out.] โYou got it.โ [Me loving my man; and I do love him so very much]
Iโm smiling,โ he let me know.
Iโm smiling tooโฆ now,โ I also told him.
โSo perfect! He said.
I was so glad to get all that straighten out; and I start to relaxed again. So I said to himโฆ
โIโm so sorry for the misunderstanding.โ
โBabyโฆ he said. โTurns out you are humanโฆ right? How can I be upset with that?
So I remind him. โyou said you will stop and you did.โ Guess I am.โ
I will make mistakesโฆ. And I hope you will be understandingโฆ he said to me. โIโm not perfect… But we are all work in progressโฆ right?
I told him, โI will tryโฆ and again.. Iโm not you. You are the most understanding person I ever came across.โ
So we workโฆ as a personโฆ and as a coupleโฆ but we are always working in the same direction if we love each other. He let me know.
โletโs go for it.โ I answered.
โSo love is the answer.โ He assures me.
โAlways.โ I agreed.
โThatโs just one guyโs random thoughtsโฆ take it or leave it. He said.
โAs long as itโs yours.โ I let him know. โI will take it.โ
Awwww!!! He said lovingly.
โNitaโฆ he called my name. โBabyโฆ.
Yes Allen.โ I answered.
โPlease sleep wellโฆ and babyโฆ please think of meโฆ Iโll be thinking of you loveโฆ night sweet girlโฆ talk tomorrow I hope?
โYou too.โ I told him. โEvery time, every day, every night.
Awwww!!! Nitaโฆ. He says. โMerry Christmasโฆ babyโฆ I love youโฆ
โGood night my sweet Allen, I said to him. Itโs not Christmas until Thursday, but merry Christmas to you too. Donโt forget my Christmas gift; Iโm looking forward to seeing them.โ
Btwโฆ holidays I loveโโฆ he wanted me to know. Itโs just another reason to spend time with the people you care about…And tell them you love themโฆ so this one is perfectโฆI donโt care if you celebrate at all!!!! I just know itโs a great time to be loving youโฆ so yeah.โ
I read this and all of a sudden I remember that this is not real for meโฆ oh godโฆ he loves me this much and there is nothing I can do to claim him as mine.
โI have your gift all ready to go, he told me. โAlready done.โ
I did not make any comment on his speech; I really did not know how to address it and I did not want to say something to take us back to where we were coming from. So I completely ignored it.
โGreat!โ I answered about the gift.
โNight loverโ he said.
Well goodnight lover.โ I responded.
Nitaโฆ he called my name again.
Yeah, I responded.
โtell me you love me please.โ he begged of me.โ Unless itโs not comfortable.โ
I do love you my sweet Allenโฆ so, so much.โ I honestly told him. โBut I do love you.โ I informed him.
โIโm smiling huge!โ he said.
Good, you should be.โ I let him know.
Then he let me know, โNitaโฆ Iโm so silly crazy in love with you! Yeah I should be happy; and so I am.โ
I felt a rush of emotion all over my body that it made me shudder. I was feeling so elated to know he loves me this much; and I really believe it … i really and truly did…and it was as if I could sense it and sense him. In the back of my mind I know he was looking at Paigeโs face and thinking thatโs the girl thatโs on the receiving end of his raging passion and desires; but I was sitting there feeling him with all my senses ,with my own passions ablaze with a fierce fire of emotions… accepting and taking it all gladly.
Itโs a wonderful thing and I am happy too.โ I told him. โThat makes two of us. Hearts in harmony.โ
IT WAS SO EASY FOR ME TO GET LOST IN THE MOMENT WHEN HE IS THERE WITH ME; NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO ME BUT FEELING HIM AND HIS EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH THAT PHONE… ALL I WANT IS TO JUST WRAPPED MYSELF UP IN HIS PRESENCE…. AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING…AND COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I’M NOT BEING HONEST AND THAT IM HERE ENCOURAGING AND PLAYING WITH HIS EMOTIONS …all for the sake of experiencing this founded joy of a love I have never known before… how can I make this right???…. it is so wrong on all levels…
I did not text him that Monday night because he said he was going to be busy, and I figure he probably would be tired and so I did not want to bother him. Tuesday was my only day off before Christmas and I want to get some shopping done. So I woke up and send โMy Allenโ a text to inform him of my dayโs plan.
โGood morning My Allen, miss you last night, was very tempted to send you a textโฆ I spent the night with you regardless, we were flying all over the place with you showing off your aerobatics skills, it may be just a dream but it seems and felt real… I woke up smiling. Iโm off today so Iโm going to attempt to get this place ready, and I probably go to the mall with john, but I will be here later for some of your juicy conversations, if you not busy. Let me know, untilโฆ
So John, Paige and I went shopping but my mind was just constantly on MY Allen; I could hardly wait to get home so we could connect; and I keep checking my phone to see if he sent a text, but nothing. I was not too worried because I figure he was probably doing the same thing I was, seeing that Christmas is only two days away. And I know later I will have my time with him.
About 5:30pm I got me a little text, โhey Wendy! Hope you are having a great day getting things ready and shopping. Talk soon pretty girl.โ
I could not write back just then, โSo all I said was. โTalk to you soon.โ And sent him a smiley face blowing a kiss.
I was all smiles and was quite pleased to know he was thinking about me; and I felt a sweet sensational rush, it was as if I could sense him thinking about me;
we got home about 6pm, I hurriedly put away the things we have bought anxiously wanting to get settled so I can talk my โMy Sweet Allenโ.
Paige decides to stay with me for the night to help me prep for Christmas and help wrap all the gifts for my babies.
I could not wait any longer so I finally sit down and write to himโฆ
โWell, Iโm here nowโฆ finallyโฆ itโs been my longest day ever. All day I was willing the day to go faster so I can get to talk to you. I know we spoke just yesterday but it seems like forever ago. I could hardly wait for now. I find it so crazy for me to be acting and feeling this way but I doโฆ I doโฆ so how was your day MY Allen? I ASKED.
Then I asked him out of curiosity,
….., (I have been thinking of our conversations … and trying to think of things we could talk about… I find that I really doesn’t have much to offer in terms of subjects.. and I want so much to contribute to over conversations… I was thinking I must appear boring and uninteresting…)
โDo you have a dog? I kinda picture you with a dogโฆ a big one, just curious.โ I told him.
It took an hour for him to answer and I was excited to hear from him…
He started…
“Iโm smiling huge as usual when I read your texts! And yes you nailed itโฆ I have a black labโฆheโs my buddyโฆ a great dogโฆI take him running in the country here a few times a weekโฆ good call sexy. You are good! Iโm glad your shopping day is over and I hope you will get time to relax now.
โHeeey!!! โ I replied.. all smiles.. beaming so brightly..
, โI waited all day for this text. A black lab? I like labs, they are so loyal. But I kinda expected a German Sheppard or something like thatโฆ so do you have to work tomorrow? I asked. โI do; I have one more question for you? Tonight Iโm full of questionsโฆ do you own a gun?
We were talking about guns today and I thought I would ask? John is a gun fanatic. Well my real reason for asking about guns, actually is, we were talking and kinda joking about me telling him about what was going on with this deception of mine and we jokingly implies that he might find me and kill my ass for lying to him; and I thought about it on a serious note. And I wonder if he owns a gun..
He did not respond to my text..and I was anxiously anticipating his response ….I know he might be caught up doing whatever; after all itโs Christmas time, but I was very eager to connect. So after another hour I write again.
โI told him, โIโm here having some Hennessy with my aunt. I like it sometimes, although I canโt do more than one shot.. My aunt she like her wines and Hennessy, when Iโm with her I indulgeโฆ do you drink? I asked.
We wrapped some more gifts and we prep all we had to for my Christmas dinner…Paige wanted to play monopoly; but I could not focus, because all I was thinking about was MY Allen and hearing from him….
So after another hour I decided to sent him another text, I was becoming very impatient and overly anxious to hear from him; now this is the same girl who was supposed to be thinking of ending all thisโฆ.
โAlright I guess I was too overly excited and anxious to be with you and you must have your evening all planned out. You are busyโฆ. Well I shall still be here all night if you choose to talkโฆ anxiously waitingโฆ WAKANITA.โ
Still nothing and I keep on waiting, I played monopoly with Paige to try take my mind off him a little and as I said he was busy with his own thing and when he is ready we will talk. So I waitedโฆ. Trying real hard to relax and stop behaving like a schoolgirl with her first crush…
I sit there all night in great anticipation of his text.. but to my disappointment none came…
It was 2am and I still havenโt heard from him; I was not mad, just disappointed; I had wanted so badly to connect with him, I yearn for him and his words; I got so addicted to him that even one day without talking to him seems like an eternity; I know he was probably caught up with his stuff and he had said he was having company so I try in my head {as he puts it} to be understandingโฆ but still disappointedโฆ Paige is asleep by now, and the TV holds no interest for me; I could not focus on it. So I decided to send him a final text for the nightโฆ
โWell itโs now 2am and I have not heard from you, yes Iโm a little disappointedโฆ no make that a lot disappointedโฆ I wanted so badly to connect with you tonight. Iโm missing youโฆ I know you have your life to liveโฆ and Iโm not even like real, Iโm like a delusion right now but my feelings are for real.โ
After I sent it and read it back, I realize I actually sounded very upset even though I told myself I was not mad. I guess that delusion bit came from an earlier conversation with Paige about him and she made the statement that I was a delusion to him; because he is there thinking she is me. I Kinda agreed with her and we were trying to come up with a good way or plan as to end this all; so I wasnโt in the best frame of mind. โฆ I just did not want it to endโฆ I just did not want to give him up; and the mere thought that I had to, was driving me crazy and very much afraid of losing him and all this sweet, sweet feeling I was experiencing.
So I try to explain to him what I was feeling and going throughโฆ.
โYou bring out something in me I never knew existed and the experience of it is quite overwhelming. You take me to places Iโve never been. And Iโm enjoying the journey to the fullest. You make it all so exciting and funโฆ well, I guess I wonโt hear from you again for tonight so until I doโฆ Iโll keep on dreaming of usโฆyouโฆ goodnight my sweet Allen.โ
And I turn off the lights and try to sleepโฆ about another half an hour I got a text, I jump up all excited, grab my phone to read what he has saidโฆ
But babyโฆ. He said. โAnd yeah a Sheppard would be a good guess because I am a strong manโฆ that was really goodโฆ I can see how smart you are babyโฆand how much thought you are putting into us. Any waysโฆ I have had labs since I was a kid and love them… I donโt need a dog for protectionโฆ Ha-ha!!! Ok for the gun partโฆ yes I own manyโฆ and I usually have a nine on meโฆ but I promise no one would knowโฆ I absolutely love guns and watchesโฆbut watches firstโฆ guns are simpleโฆ watches are amazingโฆ the most efficient engine man had ever built… Anywayโฆ hey!!!!
I waited for him to finished talking before I intervened; I was so amazed again how he put so much passion in whatever he likes and does. What a guy… I was so in love that the least little things I learned about him … impresses me so much.. that I was totally intrigued…
I find that I was always in awe of him… and everything about him seems to fascinate me to the extreme… it’s so strange how when the heart is involved how everything takes on a hue and maximize it effects…
So I simply said,โ really!โ
He then asked.โ What are you doing up silly!!!! I was just loving you! And answering your stuff.โ
โWaiting for you !!!!! I replied smiling widely.
โAwwww!!!! He said in response.
โWell thanks for answering my questions.โ I told him.
โJust got in bed!โ He was informing me. And was totally wowed! I thought youโre going to be busy and not have much time for meโฆ I was trying in my head to be understanding!โ
I thought you would love guns.โ I told him. โAnd I will always time for you.โ
He laughed and says, โIโm so white! Is that the deal? Yes I like gunsโฆ but watches are my favorite dealโฆ the thing that captivates me.โ
โNo Irish like John.โ I told him. โWow you have to let me see thatโฆ โCaptivatedโ the word I canโt spell.โI let him know.
I misspelled โcaptivatedโ a few times in the beginning when I was describing his eyes.
โI have a 120 year old watch that keeps perfect timeโฆ every piece made by hand with only a magnifying glassโฆ that is fucking amazing to meโฆ it was art that made scienceโฆ โ
He then laughed at me for commenting on my miss spelt word. โHahaha you are cute babyโฆ Nitaโฆ โHe said.
So you have a very unique hobby.โI told him. โYou were saying?โ I asked.
โAnd I also love compass stuffโฆ usually from the 40โs or earlier.โ He was saying.
โVery fascinating.โ I comment.
I was enjoying learning about him; he was so intriguingly mesmerizing.
โI donโt knowโฆ he said. Iโm a mess once you are here.โ
How so? I asked.
Nitaโฆ. I want to kiss you.โ He told me.
โNow?โ I asked. โYou saw the pictureโ
I saw where Paige had posted a picture of herself earlier on and where he had made a comment. You see Paige is all about selfies and she knows she takes good pictures and she is a bit conceited with her looks. Well we all encourages by letting her know how pretty she isโฆ but she loves my phone, and whenever she is here she always mess with tango and all the other sites she is on. She is the one that keep on changing pictures of herself without my knowledge. I know he would have like that picture because I even told Paige that she had voluptuous lips in that photo maybe thatโs why she posted that one.
So I guess I was a bit defensive and acting silly. I was jealous and envious of Paige; even though I am the one that create that image for him.
He then said, โYesโฆ but Iโm not sillyโโฆ sounding annoyed, โI know I have to waitโฆ but Nitaโฆ I want a kiss soon.โ โWhat pictures? He asked.
I want him to drop the subject so I told him, โYou are pushing Allen.โ I then answered his question, โthe one I posted.โ
I guess he was feeling even more annoyed with me and my comments because he said, โI donโt know how to romance your dimensionโฆ we will figure it out. Sorryโฆ I will stopโฆโ
Ooh man.. he doesn’t know how to romance my dimension….!!! This comment have me feeling really silly now.. because I impulsively reacted to his comments on Paige photo without even realizing that I had no need to be defensive or jealous…
I wanted him to like me…( the true me) so much that I’m getting upset whenever he said anything about Paige… ( haha) I purposely encouraged this with all those pictures of Paige I sent him.. and now I’m expecting something impossible…
I really have to come clean and confess my horrific deception… I’m way too deep emotionally and I just can’t do this anymore nor can I keep on lying and pretending.. when I so want it to be real…. I’m so in love … and it’s fully returned .. but he doesn’t see me behind all this facade … he only sees Paige…
I asked him to explain what he meant, and why is he going to stopโฆ
and he stopped and he was gone, he stops texting back. I start to get emotional and fearful. I realize that my answers was not encouraging and that my feelings of what Iโm going through was coming out and of course with him not knowing he could never understand.
You asked me to tell you when you are.โ[Are pushing] I told him. โIโm sorry to have offended youโฆ I would love to have you kiss meโฆ I told him .I knows I would have enjoy it thoroughly.โ
Still nothing, by now I was in tears, and afraid that I have lost him for good and even though I know it was going to be over soon anyway I still did not want him to goโฆ not yetโฆ I keep telling myself. I was panicking did not know how to get him back on-line. But I keep on trying.
โAre you gone? I asked. โIs this the end of our conversation? Allen come back please,โ I pleaded. You are been mean,โ I told him, โand you said you are never mean.โ
I waited, still nothing. So I write againโฆ
โOkay I get itโฆ โAnd I sent a teary face. โBtw my Allen, I said, โis this what loving me is? I thought you said you love me. But believe me I fully understand. I really do. And yes… Iโm hurting, but it will passโฆ good night sweet dreams. WHAT A GREAT DELUSION FOR ME.โ
And I stop texting believing that he so upset with me and the fact that I wonโt agreed to move to the next level and he canโt do this anymore and I made it possible with my negative answers. I lay there crying thinking itโs for the best anyways; he did it for me.
I SAT THERE WITH MIXED FEELINGS … WITH TEARS IN MY EYES ALL CONVINCED THAT I HAVE LOST HIM… BUT MY HEART WAS BREAKING… I FELT ALL EMPTY AND SO SAD.. I MISSED HIM AND IT WASN’T EVEN TEN MINUTES SINCE I WAS TALKING TO HIM.. I TURN OFF MY PHONE AND TURNED AND SOBBED QUIETLY INTO MY PILLOW…MY HEART WAS BREAKING…I THOUGHT… I COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL…ONLY IF I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO PLAY THIS GAME OF DECEPTION….
AS I SAT THERE THINKING ABOUT THE MESS I GOT MYSELF INTO…. HE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT WHAT HE WOULD DO TO MAKE OUR FIRST TIME SPECIAL…..
And then he started to set a scenario for me;
“and if we get to the intimacy part maybe we make love for the first time at an abandon air field in the middle of nowhere on a blanket under the starsโฆ just us and the universeโฆโ
And I had to laugh; because it seem like he went right into farthest part of my mind and dig out all of my deepest fantasizes; wasnโt it me who had done something similar way back when; it wasnโt an air field but… a beach ..similarโฆ closeโฆunder the stars.
Just what I always dream about.โ I stated.
“I will bring a guitar and we can have a little fire and spend some quality time in a super romantic way.โhe continued saying.
As I sit there reading his words… I was again in awe of him… I began thinking, “Oh good gracious! Heโs talking my language; guitarโฆ fireโฆ aaahh .. I always love the guitar and a fireplace… and nothing like being serenaded with a love song on the guitar….
โYou just got me right thereโฆ and I love it.โ I told him.
But he still has more to say… he was not finished with his creation of the scenario….
“maybe a little picnic basket with your favorites! I will totally romance you pretty girlโฆ itโs the way every girls first experience should beโฆ at least thatโs how I feel anyways.โ
So I told him, โyou are every girlโs dream.โ
And I meant it. He just described to me everything I would have loved; under the stars; guitar and him singing to me; a fire; and a picnic basket with some wine and cheesecake and whatever else.
And he top it off with a bang!!!!
, โafter a perfect night together we will have a beautiful night take off under the starsโฆ and see the area from the sky at nightโฆ perfect memory createdโฆ that would be nice.โ
So, so nice, I thought. What memory that would be butโฆ I can only live in the dreams of this fantasy though; he canโt be mine; I found the perfect man of my dreams and I canโt own him because of my horrific deception.. I pushed my thoughts aside… trying to stay focus on him and his most wonderful imagination…
You know how to lay it on, I told him.
He laughed, โHahaha!! Sorry; Iโm just speaking my thoughts.โ He said.
How can anyone resist an offer like that?โ I asked. โDonโt be sorry I did not mean any offense.โ I told him. ” I really love your most beautiful creative imagination.. it’s as if you look deep into my mind and see exactly how I had imagined the perfect night with you..”
โWellโฆ I donโt knowโฆ Iโm hoping you canโt at some point.”
Iโm almost tempted to say yesโฆ yesโฆ yes!! But Iโm not quite ready.โ I told him.
Little does he knowโฆ? I was just trying to find an excuse not to..
“I want you to not lose you virginity; I want you to share an amazing nightโฆ one that included you no longer being one. He begged of me. Well the good news isโฆ Iโm not in a hurry and will never rush you! I expect nothing baby.โ He let me know.
I completely ignore the virginity statement; it put me back to where I was trying not to dwell on; so I brush it aside again, I donโt want to feel miserable right now; I am enjoying him and his fantasies way too much. So I again drifted into his fantasy getting completely lost in his visualization..
So I simply said, โgood for me; I know I’m gonna enjoy you and that moment .. whenever the time is right…youโre just one special man Allen”
Yesโฆ he started to say, โand if Iโm coming on too strong all you have to do is tell me; and I will back way off, I promise pretty girl.
I bit strong, yes, butโฆ Iโm having all this fun.โ I let him know.
โWe can stick to everyday stuff and chat about anythingโฆ he wanted me to know. โItโs a little difficult to not feel our sexual energy thoughโฆ. Itโs super strongโฆ desire and passion. I can be very refrained and conservative.
{Donโt I know it? Itโs super strong indeed}
Here I was putting a damper on all this sweet and wonderful visuals of his creative imagination of us actually making our relationship becoming a true reality… having these reservations and giving him this negative reaction to his beautiful suggestions…
Everything he was saying and thinking could be materialized and make true… but as much as I’m trying to visualize with him ,his most romantic creations of bringing our connection to life..
to me…
It just have to be a fantasy instead of being real… I find myself struggling to stay positive and fully enjoy him and his mood he was setting, to encourage me to take us to the next level….
He was hearing me and getting discouraged thinking it was me being afraid to open up to his sexual suggestiveness…
โIf you like I will not bring anything sexual unless you initiateโฆ. Would that make you more comfortable? He asked.
I kind of smile and think, โRightโฆ you canโt help yourself lover.โ {Smiling}
So I said to him, โI guess it isโฆ {Super strong} when will I ever do that? [Initiate] no I actually like it when you do.โ I told him.
OK then, itโs settled! He said. โI will say what I think and if itโs too overwhelming, you can just put your phone downโ
So I tell him, โit turns me on and I love the feelingsโฆ not me lover.โ [Putting the phone down] I love the feeling it creates in me…
Me too!!! He exclaimed. โThese are perfectly amazingly perfect thoughts! Everyone should be lucky enough to feel this much emotion and passion. It is a privilege.โ
Well for meโฆ right now itโs definitely a privilege.
So I let him know, โI really do enjoy your sexual fantasiesโ
And knowing that you read what I am saying and your kitty gets wet for meโฆ drives me wild inside!โ he told me.
“Laughingโ I wrote.โ And it does,โ . โAnd I read them again and again and again.โ
Perfect! He said very amused. โI love the thought of your super sexy hands and long fingers pleasuring yourselfโฆ Mmmhmmm.โ Then he tells me, โI will ask you to play with your p**** for meโฆ I want to see how you take care of yourself so I can totally envision it when we talkโฆ
And he started to tease me, โyou are a complete mess now!โ He said laughing, โha-ha!!! Sorry. And you’re soakedโฆ I know you Wendy.โ He boasted. If you havenโt already cum, you will soon. Am I right? He wanted to know.
I was just dying of laughter and my kitty was jumping again to be petted. Itโs being a long time since my kitty begged so much to play; godโฆ this guy have me staying soaking wet and horny. So still laughing, I said to himโฆ
Yes… Iโm definitely a mess but donโt be sorry… Yes Allen โฆ you know me so well. You have that power over me.โ
So he said, โok so Iโm finished working outโฆ going to take a shower, but first; Iโm going to jerk off thinking about my girl.
I was thinkingโฆ working out? You were talking to me the whole time.
Anyways I, just responded to his jerking off, โSay whatโฆ really? OMG!!! You are plain crazy!โ I told him.
Nowโฆ the question Wendyโฆ do I have a picture I should look atโฆ or do you have one you want me to look at while I cum? Yes I am crazyโฆ and news flash!!! You are right here with me!โ he told me laughing.
I completely misunderstand the picture question; thought he was asking for a naughty picture: so I got a little offensive and say to him, โno I donโt have any pictures like thatโฆ sorry.โ
It doesnโt have to be naughty silly,โ he consoles me. โAnd further, I would think you wouldnโt have anything like that babyโฆ you are really shy.โ
Ok Iโm sorry, I misunderstood,โ I apologize.
And I went searching for a picture of Paige to send to him; donโt know why I would want to do that other than I was trying to please him and give him what he wantsโฆ
I am just plain stupidโฆ and so caught in this game of mine and not even thinking about my actionsโฆ ignoring whatโs been happeningโฆ so caught up in the heat of the moment trying to please his fantasy. And I sent him oneโฆ
He was trying to explain to me his request, โI just mean something you want me to look atโฆso you know what I am envisioningโฆ. Itโs more for you than meโฆso you can picture what I am doingโฆ and looking at.โ
โOops!!! Shโฆ.t! OMG!!!! Too late I already send it. This was what I thought after I read his explanation.
I did it again; give him Paige to envisionโฆ Oh boy, oh boy oh boy, I can never get it right. I just keep making it worst and worst.
Here I was having this debate with myself with this deceptive game.. trying to figure a way out.. and instead of stopping with all the lies and fabrications.. I continued to play with him..
He was still saying something, โbabyโฆ I wonโt put you on the spot for dirty pictures, ever. If I was going to it would have been the first night. Now Wendyโฆ I am going to focus on that picture and think about us. And what will you be doing? He asked.
I want to stop talking now; because I just mess up again with the picture and I was not feeling too good about me right now.
So I told him, โoh good, because I have to get ready for work myself… I have had mine while you were fooling with me earlier.โ I informed him.
Ok beautifulโฆ he said โsorry I took so much of your time. Itโs hard to stop talking once we start. Then he kinda laughed at the fact I have had mine: then he said jokingly, Dammit!! You have to share that kinda stuff.โ
I did not comment, because I very was upset with myself…I again give him the envision of Paige; so all I said was, โisnโt that right and I do enjoy it so. [To itโs hard to stop chatting.] โThank you for sharing you with me sweet Allenโ
โOk pretty girl. Thank you for chatting today, please have a great night at work. You will be in my thoughts as usual. Smile beautiful!!! Itโs a perfect smile.โ
I GOT SO CAUGHT UP WITH HIS EROTIC SCENARIOS THAT I AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING WHAT I WAS DOING SENT HIM HIS REQUEST TRYING TO GIVE HIM HIS PLEASURE… I WAS SO MAD WITH ME… WHAT WAS I DOING… ???
Then I remember I wanted to ask for some more picture of him to keep as souvenir and have as memories after I let go of him, which right now I was thinking of again; so I said to himโฆ
One last request before you go?โ
Ok shoot,โ he replies.
โWhat I want for Christmas from you isโฆare some more pictures of youโฆ is that ok with you? I requested.
โAbsolutely!! He said happily. โI will send you a bunch! I donโt have many on my phone but I will look on my computer and find a bunch. And I will be glad to do that.โ
Well bye for now and thank you for giving me this timeโฆ you have a good dayโฆ I know I willโฆ TTYL MY SWEET AllEN. I ENDED OUR CONVERSATION.
Ttyl beautiful! Have a great day Nita.โ He ended.
I went to work very pensive; my mind was working overtime thinking how am I going to end this; I know I have come up with a plan, and although it means losing him, which was causing me excruciating pain with just the thought; I know it has to be done; I did not want to end itโฆ but I am only hurting him more by leading him on longer and I did not want to be selfish and be mean any longer. He is just too sweet and special to keep on deceiving him.
I [ this sequence contains some x-rated contents… my apologies to my readers for the inappropriate contents… I included it because i want you to fully understands just how passionately intense our relationship had become… and how much feelings was involved… please enjoy reading..
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WOKE UP SMILING AND with STRONG URGES TO FEEL HIM AND A NEED FOR HIM. SO I WROTE TO HIM; HE TOTALLY CONSUMES MY DREAMS; I WOKE UP WITH A MIND AND HEART FULL WITH HIM…
I was feeling on top the world and I just have to let him knowโฆ
“MY Allen Iโm having a most wonderful day todayโฆyes I woke up feeling all refreshed; relaxed and renewed. I feel on top of the world and itโs all because of youโฆ I want to apologize for yesterday. I know I was a little off and acting very silly indeedโฆ but you were right there for me saying and doing all the right thingsโฆ Iโm going to stop worrying why itโs happening and enjoy the fact that it is. It feels so good to be love by youโฆ THANK YOUโฆ THANK YOU. Now I will leave you alone.
I found the song โTOP OF THE WORLDโ by the carpenters. And send it to him.
“Hello beautiful girl! He says, โI hope your day is off to a great start!! I have had an amazing dream that you wouldnโt stop kissing me while I was flying over a bunch of small islands and beautiful ocean and I was laughing and saying โbaby!!! I canโt see where I โm goingโ and you just laugh and kept on kissing me and said, โyou better land soonโ. It was really sweet. Just want to share it. I love the song, I love that you love older music. It shows that you donโt feel the need to be one of the massesโฆ very refreshing.โ
Then he said, โNita you make it so easy to love you! I hope we keep moving in the same direction because this is an amazing journey and… one I only want with you.โ
I know, instead of feeling so jubilant โฆ I should be trying to come up with a way out, but not todayโฆ I went through enough of that yesterday already; today, right now, I just want to enjoy him to the fullest, and live for the moment.
โLove the dream… I told him. โItโs exactly what I would do if and when I see you and much more. Well you have a great day. Gotta work today because Iโm off for Christmasโฆ hope you donโt have to work?โ
And yesโฆ if I had the chance to be with him; and with all this fiery; hot and blazing desire I have for him, he would not be able to do anything because I would be all over his sweet ass.
โNo work for me todayโ, he said. โJust taking care of a bunch of personal thingsโฆ is getting ready for the holidays. Have a great day at work beautiful!!! Talk to you soon.โ
โMay be tonight after work? I asked. โThink you will be up? This is becoming quite the habitโฆ me rushing home to be with you.โ I told him.
โI like the habit! But please be safe ok? He asked of me. โI might be up, Iโm not sure I have to pick up some people at the airport at 10, so Iโll be up late anywayโฆ please have a great day my beautiful girl!!! And Wakanita please smile! Itโs so pretty you should share it as much as you can!
I know he was referring to Paige; but I did not want to think about her; right now everything he says to me belongs to me; I was not willing to share him with anybody, not right now, not today. So I was that beautiful and pretty girl he was talking to; as far I as was concern.
So I told him, โIโm smilingโฆ only for you thoughโฆ ok I will give you a break tonight; you probably going to be tired anyways. Iโll just go to sleep and met you there. Itโs so amazing;you consume my day and nightโฆ I think of you all day and then you take over my dreams. You are constantly with me; am I becoming obsessive? I ask. But boyโฆ am I enjoying this!!…and is so happy to know that you are fully encouraging me with your sweet responses; sweet AllEN you are an enabler. The best kind and I just love you so.โ
Wow! He exclaimed. โYou write so sweet baby. It would be very hard to get enough of you! And I promise we are in the same exact place at the same exact time! Please text whenever youโd like. My entire soul lights up when I read anything from you. You will set the pace and I will be patient. But eagerly waiting for anything you send..I hope one day soon we can chat on the phone and I can put a voice to your beautiful personaโฆ oh and I canโt wait to hear you cum for me!!!! That will be super hot! Just sayin…โ
I burst out laughing; I was laughing so hard with the thought of him hearing my Whoos and my sex talk….
I find him so hilarious and crazy, crazy good. and what was that he said,”MY ENTIRE SOUL LIGHTS UP WHEN I READ ANYTHING FROM YOU…” that leaves a huge smile ๐ on my face..
โYou have me laughing so hard,โ I let him know. โI do hope I will be able to live up to your expectation and imaginations,โ I told him. And I wish I could see them through your eyesโฆ they seems like so much fun.โ
Babyโฆ that will be the easy part! He told me.
โStill laughing,โ I tell him. I was so tickled I could not stop laughing.
He then went on to assure me of his character,
“I know you are nervous but Iโm really easy to talk to and a good read of characterโฆ Iโm also never pushyโฆ I have a strong personality and can be tough if needed, but Iโm compassionate and wonโt put you on the spot often… That being said I know the thought of you Cumming over the phone messed you up! And got you a little excited tooโฆ am I right?
I started to laugh again. He has me cracking up; I couldnโt control my laughter.
Yeah!โ I told him. How can you make me feel so good and horny all the time? Is this normal? I ask him.
Yes, itโs perfect!! He said. โSo if we take the next step and you decide we can talkโฆ I promise I wonโt mess you upโฆ at first I will be a gentleman.โ
So thatโs the next stepโฆ I asked. โvoice talk, Iโm not too good with verbal conversationโฆ you see, the good thing about texting, I can choose what I say by deleting if it doesnโt sound right.โ
Yes Iโve watched you do it many times! Itโs okay babyโฆ Iโm easy to talk to and practice makes perfect!!! Iโm never going to judge and I will always be patient love.
He was truly a most amazing man and somehow I believe everything that he was saying to me; I sound so gullible; but I honestly think he is very straightforward not being overly conceited. (and of course … because I was so emotionally attached to him.. everything he says seems so damn impressive… funny how the mind works in connections to what the heart feels.)
Ok? Are you ready for this? He asked
I donโt know,โ I said. Wondering what am I suppose to be ready for, so I waitedโฆ
And here it comes; โI canโt wait to tease you sexuallyโฆstrip you nakedโฆ kiss you super deep and then strip myself down so you can see my hard cock ready for youโฆ thenโฆ slide down your body nice and slow and kiss the inside of your legs and around your pussyโฆ suck and lick all around it while Iโm telling exactly what Iโm going to do with youโฆget close enough to your clit so you can feel my warm breathโฆ but no touchingโฆ when Iโm ready and you are going to explodeโฆ I will take you in my mouth.โ
I think I climax while reading that; my kitty was jumping up and down all ready to play, and so I oblige and give her what she was begging for. I could visualize every thing he was describing…
Oh wow! I said, โbelieve it or not I can actually picture it; and my kitty is purring for some.โ I told him.
I did not let him know I cum about three times in less than a minutes just by visualizing and reading his text. this is the same girl who was shying away from all sexual suggestions that i lied about being a virgin… but… my desires have become so damn intense that all my senses becomes so heighten whenever he is talking to me that I now welcome and embrace his sexual advances and even as much as enjoying his scenarios he set for me…
And so he continued to tantalize and tease me with his words; โand you will cum huge for your manโฆ and then I will eat every drop of youโฆ and get you ready for moreโฆI will softly tell you what is going to happen next while I gently massage your swollen clit…with my tongue and then the head of my hard cockโฆtalking softlyโฆ till you say please, let me have it now babyโฆ and then I will tease you a little more and then fill you full of my hard throbbing cock for the second loadโฆ
Wheeewโฆ. Ooooh! I was more than ready for that hard throbbing cockโฆ I was completely turned on and my kitty was jumping even moreโฆ my whole body was set ablaze for the need of himโฆ itโs like he went in my mind and knew exactly how I like to be loved; tease and being tantalized;โฆ and I again reach the height of ecstasyโฆ
if only I get just one day with this guy, just one dayโฆ but again only in my dreams, because Iโm not Paige and because I have to let go of himโฆ soon.
So I told him, โyou are just too much, you are driving me crazy.โ
But he was not finished with me yet,
“after you explode all over my cockโฆ I will ask you to do something kinkyโฆ and I hope you will oblige.โ
OMG!! What you are you doing to me?โ I asked. Something kinky???? Am I ready for this?
So he proceeds to tell me.โI will ask you to lick some of your kitty juices off my cock and keep it on your tongue and then kiss me deep and let me taste your mouth and pussy at the same timeโฆ I want both.โ
Oh I know you will love that.โ I informed him. “and so would I….”
Then he said the most charming thing, โI want to taste the cum we make with the most passionate kiss I dream ofโฆ how could it get better than thatโฆ my sexy girlโs passion.โ
It couldnโtโฆ nopeโฆ. I was so turned on that I thought it was so hott…
So I told him, โyou have the best imagination ever.โ
Then he has the nerves to ask me โI have you mess up? Donโt I?
He knew itโฆ.
For sure,โ I told him. โYou purposely did itโฆ youโฆ
Then he is acting all sorryโฆ when I know he was probably laughing and getting a kick out of it.
โIโm sorry! You get me all fired up pretty girl! And I just start saying exactly whatโs on my mind.โ
I let him know…. “You know I would be all gamed,โ ..: you know exactly how much you affect me and how much sexual energy you transmit…”
I have come to the point where just the thought of him provoke a strong sexual stimulation … and when connecting I can sense him as if he’s next to me… that my whole being is ignite with this electrifying desire…
I know pretty girl!!โ He said. โAnd all of this and more will happen if you choose more. Iโm very spontaneous in bed and will please you in a ton of different ways, I hope. And Iโm super visual… So I will want to look at you! Take you inโฆ feel you with all my senses.โ
I was feeling him with all my senses right nowโฆ and sure wish I could choose more. I want more…
And I sit there reading what he is saying and I start to cry โฆ because I found himโฆ I didโฆ. This manโฆ this most marvelous man of my dreamsโฆ he is everything I have always wanted in a manโฆ and Iโm here hiding behind little Paige; and now I canโt even claim none of thisโฆ himโฆ and I wonderโฆ would he like me or feel this way if he knew it was meโฆ.
Nayโฆnoโฆ he wouldnโtโฆ I doubt it.
โReally I hope you wonโt be too disappointed.โ I told him.
Nita, please donโt worry baby…โ he said reassuringly. โWe have a natural chemistry that will guide us in the right directionโฆ Iโm certain.
The chemistry is there for sure, butโฆ
“We definitely have chemistry and it’s leading me.. sweet Allen … and I want more.. more of you…” I then told him,
So I finished explaining what I meant. โDoing and saying all the right things; you know how to keep me right there.โ
So he told me, โI want you to know in your mind that you making a great decisionโฆ in every step we makeโฆ some might be scary but that it is a good thing! It can still be a great decision!โ
I started to feel guilty and bad; he sounds so sincere….
but I shake it off;
Noโฆ I thought… not now ….I donโt want to go there; not today.
And Iโm thinking really hard about it.โ I told him.โ And although you said you are not pushing or forcingโฆ every time we talk you makes me feel better about us.โ
โTake your time sweet girl. I will be here! One step at a time.. Maybe a phone thing is nextโฆ then we meet on your terms… For lunchโฆ or a flightโฆ or a flight to lunch! Your callโฆ and we just go from there.โ
Sounds so enticing.โ I told him. โIโm actually anticipating a flight with you. You create such a great picture for me.โ {And I was; I wish I could say yes to his proposition}
Either wayโฆ โHe was saying. โOur pace is your discretion, ok pretty girl? We can stay right here as texting friends as long as you needโฆ. And omg! Am I looking forward to flying with you! Iโd love our first date to be a flightโฆ that would be epic! And something we would never forgetโฆ donโt you think?โ
I was so caught up in the moment and with his suggestion that I almost forget it is not possible; I was getting and feeling all excited about going on a flight with him. And as he said, โthat would be epic.โ
I think for sure.โ I would definitely love that.. it would be a first for me”….I told him. โIt would definitely be something else.โ{How I wish I could}
I WAS TAKEN BACK TO REALITY AGAIN.. . AND I FEEL A SADNESS COME OVER ME… I’M JUST FOOLING MY SELF AND MAKING A FOOL OF ME AND WORSE … MAKING A BIGGER FOOL OF ALLEN; I BELIEVE HE GENUINELY AND SINCERELY LOVE ME.. but… I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO END THIS GAME … AND THE TRUTH BE TOLD… I’M LOVING EVERY MOMENT I GET THE CHANCE TO SPEND WITH HIM…
BUT HOW CAN I CONTINUE TO DECEIVE HIM KNOWING ITS NO WAY I CAN MAKE THIS RIGHT AGAIN.. NO WAY I CAN JUSTIFY THIS DECEPTION..NO WAY OUT OF THIS LIE I CREATED…
This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…
After he died;
Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:
SEE ME:
What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking, when you look at me?
A cranky old man, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice, โI do wish youโd try!โ
Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.
And forever is losingโฆ a sock or a shoe?
Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what youโre thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open you eyes, nurse. Youโre not looking at me.
Iโll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
Iโm a small child of ten, with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now, a lover heโll meet.
A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other, with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me, to see that I donโt mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play โround my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years, and the love that Iโve known.
Iโm now an old man, and nature is cruel,
Itโs jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,
And now and again, my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And Iโm loving and living, life over again.
I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people, open and see:
Not a cranky old man,
Look closer, see ME!โ
Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesnโt see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesnโt cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.
I was 12 years old when she decided to include me on the family trip to her home town… I have long decided I donโt ever wanted to go anymore.. I have cried and anguish for the past three years… for always getting left behind…
I hold out and I would not leave the house and get into that car…she tried to convince one more time…. but I refuse to budge or change my my mind… I said I will stay with grandma.. but dad was present so as much as she was annoyed she dared not abuse me in front of him…
She just walked outside and tell him to go get me because Im refusing to get in the car… my dad came in and sternly tell me to get in the car now..
I begged him to let me stay with my grandma… because I didnโt want to go… he again… very aggressively say…โ get your ass in that car now and stop with your nonsense โ…. and with that tone …I reluctantly get up and get into the car..
Of course I was placed in the middle.. and I sat there sobbing.. he turned around annoyingly and tell me to shut up with that crying…of course I tried.. because we all feared my dad…
My sisters started to jeered me .. and I angrily lashed out at them with one of my cuss words.. of course my stepmom reacted to this and turned to me and said.. you better not take that with you … she gives me a very angry look but didnโt say much more because of she didnโt want my dad to know exactly how badly she mistreats me..
(But.. she was not fooling him by a long shot… he knew… he always knew… but I wouldnโt have realized this until a few years later… when he address her attitude towards me… and ask her to just stop with always picking on me for everything..)
I was one sad and unhappy girl all the way there… and when we reached I again refused to get out of the car.. my dad threatened me with a whooping if I didnโt stop with my attitude.. I started to cry again…
Everyone filtered into the house leaving me in the car sobbing my eyes out… and then this man walks up to the door and said..
โ hey pretty girl.. why are out here crying ๐ญ… and who are you…???!!! Come on inside pretty girl .. itโs alright…โ
And surprisingly I stop sobbing.. I smiled.. and I got out and went with him… he calls me pretty…. and it felt so good.. someone thinks Iโm pretty….just a little kindness.. just a little gentleness… thatโs all it took…and all of a sudden …..I found me a friend.. I was in love ๐ฅฐ…
….(the next few years because of that one gesture that gentleman.. my stepmom brother… became my most favorite person.. I built up an unhealthy crush on him… my dad observed and noticed it… and intervened a few times when he noticed that I was drawn to this man for all the wrong reasons….. this feeling I had for him was encouraged by him… and lingers on till the day he dies… my stepmom never even realize what was happening right under her nose…because she didnโt even see me.. only time I was ever noticed by her is when I was a nuisance the her and she was chewing me out for being so damn retarded…
I was in my teens when her dad and mom decided to relocate back home… from England…
We were sitting in the living room awaiting their arrival from the airport.. they walked in.. and she started to introduce us children… it was the first Time her mom and dad was meeting us…
When she pointed in my direction and say my name.. her mom immediately replied… โI never heard of this one before… so you have three stepchildren not two…โ I then realized that she was so ashamed to even acknowledge me as her stepdaughter that she has hidden me from her family…
I can never remember a kind word from her during my teenage years..when I was fifteen..and my little sister.. she was nine… she was my stepmom first child.. only daughter… she was a beautiful girl…and we were close for a long time… but.. one morning we were getting ready to go to school…
And somehow we developed a tiff .. canโt recall what happened.. or what it was we were fighting for..
But…
This argument led to to tell me that her mom.. says.. that she is better than us.. ( four girls)…. she is prettier.. brighter… smarter… ect. Ect..ect..
So I just let her know that if thatโs the case.. then I donโt have to talk to her ever again… and that is just what I did … over the next six years till the day she lost her life at age 16…. I never uttered one word to her…. I was 21 and moved out of the house by then..
During those years though I found myself in a state of solitude and secluded myself by writing โ๏ธ my diary ๐ or getting lost in novels.. and books… or listening to country music…
I was so quiet .. I never had nothing to say…everyone was happy to just ignore me and shut me out… I silentlywent through my emotions always seeking out the company of my step uncle… I had no friends…I didnโt know how to socialize… I lacked confidence.. I lacked self esteem….
I hated myself.. I hated my life.. I hated the world… I was so sad.. very unhappy.. I sunk into depression…and I continued on this pathetic self pitied attitude until I was eighteen… and reading one day I came across this article that states… only you can make you happy.. .. only you can choose to be… only you can can be responsible for your happiness….
No one can hurt your feelings unless you allow them to…you are in Control of your emotions… and a few more inspirational thoughts… I then started to collect these quotes and live by them…
And these words uplifted me and I started to grow from them….. I was in world of my own.. I totally shut out everyone… I used to go off to secluded areas.. to write and express my feelings… and not one of them ever misses me out of the house… I was like completely invisible… which was fine with me…
I finished school… I didnโt do too well mainly because I couldnโt write so well… I learned later on that my writing was affected by my attitude and my insecurities…
My dad looks at the results of my exams and when he observed all the Dโs… remarks..
โ D is for dunce โ….
This hurts me so badly that I cried so hard…again feeling sorry for myself.. that I can never please him..
For the next year I stayed home my only outlet was church.. and books.. we used to have this church club which I was a member… I used to attend retreats and everything offers… it became my way out of the house and to be amongst people who seems to like me…
I was so into it that I decided I wanted to become a nun…
AND AS I WAS THERE TRYING TO ABSORB IT ALL… AND TRYING TO VALIDATE MY REASONS FOR NOT WALKING AWAY FROM THIS DECEPTION… SELFISHLY JUSTIFYING LEADING HIM ON… HE KINDLY AND LOVINGLY WAS TRYING TO SHOW ME WHY WE WOULD BE GOOD TOGETHER…
“Yes I love you… Love is a perfect feelingโฆ we have that right? That is how I define it.” He answered.
โAnd what about my lack of exposure?โ I again asked.
โMy world will evolveโฆI will make things happen as they need to babyโฆI am capable of many thingsโฆ but most of all. I am a pleaser… So I make the people I love happy.โ He has me know.
You are up there and I am down here.โ I say to him.
No silly,โ he said. โNobody is up or downโฆ itโs just timingโฆand I am a space planner for a living! Iโve got this!
Black or white? I asked.
He laughed at me, โha-ha!!! No such thing! Itโs all grey scale.
I sent him two more smiley faces; . โYou got thisโฆ I said to him. โYou are so funny and I love it.โ
โPerfect!โ He exclaimed. โSo trust me babyโฆ. The sky isnโt the limit! I am a pilot.
And I sat there reading all this stuff he is saying and I donโt have one thing to contribute; and I am wonderingโฆ how does he come up with all this? How does he find all the right words to convince me and to reassure meโฆ? I did not even remember that a minute ago I was disturbed and apprehensive. He has a way with me…He knows exactly what to say to put my mind at ease. And again I was I awe of him.
And so Isaid to him, โare you from this planet?โ
We will be perfect babyโฆ he was assuring me, โbut I promise I will not rush anything ok.โ And then he laughed, โHa-ha! Yes I am an earthling.
Then I agree with him that the sky is the limit.( I misread… )โBecause you are out of this worldโ I told him.
I really was just sitting there admiring him and wondering if everything that he is saying, he means. He canโt be this nice and sensitive and just plain wonderful, But, he is; And he still canโt be mine; and how I wanted him to be mine ;{ God let me have him I pray}
I was so blinded by my intense emotions and my raging desires… and all I was feelings was this profound admiration and love โค๏ธ for a man I don’t hardly know … only just his words.. But… right now… all that matters is him.. and this most awesome connection I can’t explain….
Now Nitaโฆ he called meโฆ donโt be sillyโฆ Nitaโฆ
Oh my!โ I said
he made some suggestive comments…
โReally? โI ask him back.
I need to know my girl come huge before she went to bed.โ He told me.
I have already taken care of that earlierโ I informed him.
โSo think of having……. (he continued with his suggestions)
OMG! I squeal.
And you will again! He told me. โAnd oh man!!! That is hot!
Iโm actually feeling like it again.โ I informed him. โYou better stop because Iโm going to explode with pleasure.โ
Then he gave it to me,โ so think about me between your legs ……..(and in great depth.. he gave me details of what he would do with me…) give your man our passionโฆ. I need to swallow you.โ
He is so goood at this; I thought. So I told him, โYou should write an erotic bookโ
I wanted so much to join in with him.. but didn’t wanna blow my deception… so I let him seduce me wholeheartedly and I love โค๏ธ every word… every detail of his erotic scenarios…
He laughed at my comment,โHahaha!! Cum for me baby,โ he begged.
So I told him, โokay Iโm Cumming!โ and he continued… He was still saying. Good girl!!!! I love it.โ
You are so bad! โI said of him. But goood for me.โ
Nita, โhe called my name, โIโm jerking off.โ He let me know.
โOh myโ I said
Ohโโฆ I said againwith pleasure
we have a little sexual session and he took me to heights I never knew I could reach virtually.. I kinda forget in that moments about all my struggles to walk away.. I was having so much fun.. and just enjoying the sexual energy that we were experiencing …
And the app locked up!!! It was amazing to cum together. He let me know. โOk pretty girl letโs sleepโฆ night sweet girl โฆ sorry I kept you up!
Oh please donโt be โฆ I told him. โThe pleasure was all minesโฆ night sweet Allenโฆ love you.
Night Nitaโฆ and I love you too!
How hearing those words warms my heart and let me beam with delight…
And we ended our conversation.
I went to sleep a little troubled but relaxed from our little session. (It’s so funny ๐ how very quickly I forget that I didn’t want any sexual insinuations.. but….my desires for it was so intense… and he knew it.. ) My mind was still at war with the decision of us. I was still a little surprised to know he is in love with meโฆI was feeling on the top of the world knowing this..
Butback to reality… Ihave to let him gobut
Every time I thought of him gone it gives me an enormous anxiety attack. But how can I lead him on much longer; I started to feel very guilty about my actions ..
But I know, losing him is actually the only choice I had. I knew he would never like me no matter what; I look at me in the mirror; he doesn’t see my face…Igavehimthevision of Paige…
I could not see how or where he would ever consider me; It did not make me feel too good.
I drift off to sleep with mixed feelings…intoxicatingly happy…and yet so sad…
This story is of a sensitive nature… itโs of a very personal perspective and although not intended to offend… the intended participants and the source of this episode of my life… will definitely be affected and it will cause animosity and tensions to our relationship…
This episode of my life is told as seen through my eyes… and may not be received or be accepted as the truth by the intended source of sorrow and total anguish … both mental and physical…
But …
As much as I know it will trudged up feelings of negativity and May severed our connection .. and causes hurt ๐ feelings..
I feel I need to tell my story and get out all this bottled up emotions… relating to how I keep trying as long as I remembered … to win her likes.. to have her starting to accept me… to gain some favor from her..
And so the story begins…
AGE 9 to 12
NEW BEGINNINGS …
….. ASAD ๐ END.
I was only nine years old when my mom died.. I have an older sister of one and a half years… and a younger sister of three years in between…
We were much too young to understand the reasons and we didnโt have much questions… our father wasnโt a presence in our home..
He has moved on years before and lived with another woman.. I know because I would hear my mom crying ๐ข night after night..
And I would observe and listen as mom would tell and relate her story to anyone who would be willing to listen… and as young as I was …I was very sensitive to her sorrows and woes… I never knew her but I sure built up this great resentment for the woman who causes my mom to cry…
My mom was admitted in the hospital a couple of weeks before she actually died.. and my grandma ๐ต ( my fatherโs mom) and my youngest aunt came over to babysit us while she was away…
My aunt was a year younger than me so I got a playmate… it was a Sunday morning when mom decided to say goodbye to this world…
My older sister went to see her and my aunt and me decided to go visit this nearby church… we were in the middle of the service when someone came and pulled us out.. thus breaking the news to us…
I canโt remember my exact reaction… I donโt think I even fully understood what was happening.. until a long time after..
My momโs sister and brother was there.. and even her mom… They asked if they could take me along with them and I was more than willing to go… my grandma took my two sisters with her back to her home which my dad shared….
I spent the next week with my uncle and my other grandma.. until my dad sent my sister to fetch me…
How I cried and pleaded to stay with my grandma ๐ต… but my father would not allow it… and so I was forced to leave with my sister … I cried all the way home to my fathers house…
I just didnโt want to go live with the woman ๐ฉ who made my mom died..( I got this from my uncle and aunt and my other grandma…). I was convinced it was true and I hated her without even knowing her..
And so this started the strain relationship between us… But….one look at me and the feeling was mutual.. she couldnโt stand the sight of me.. I was a very puny… skinny… awful looking child.. I stuttered.. I was clumsy… I was awkward….and most of all I was very defensive… and uses cuss words as a defensive mechanism to ward off everyone who tries to tease me or make fun at me…
Which was my life existence thus far… and causes me to retract into a shell or a cocoon… trying to hide and resist every attempt made on me… I was just overly sensitive and could never see the humor in any of it .. which makes them more eager to poke fun at me…
Her distaste for me comes out In her being mean to me.. she lacks patient when it comes to me… she uses every opportunity to treat me with indifference.. and to make matters worse… I was bed wetter… Ooh ๐ฎ how this Erks her and give all the more excuse to scold me… with the most awful words…
Everything I do was always wrong in her eyes.. I could never seems to please her… she expects the worst and I always seems to deliver and live up to her expectations… I used fumble a lot mostly because of nervousness.. Maybe I was just scared of being screamed at…or I was just trying so hard to get it right… and of course I was always a klutz.. so the more I tried the worse I was..
I came to her …disliking her.. and resenting her for losing my mom… but as a child you donโt hang on to the same feelings for too long…
So ….. after a while I tend to lose that feeling and replace it with the longing for affection.. I miss my mom something fierce.. and I long to feel loved again… especially when I observed how she dotes and loved on her biological babies ..
And sometimes I would try to hug on to her … but she pushes me away with such force as if she finds me repulsive… (which she actually did) after a few more attempts with the same results , I felt hurt by her unkind rejection… so I stopped… realizing that she doesnโt want me to touch her or be close to her….
….(you know as a child.. you canโt comprehend the actions of adults and analyze their attitude and their reasons for doing what they do…here I was trying to get her to like me… not fully understanding her reasons for not liking me as she does my other siblings….)
The next three years was a challenge for me… I felt so alone.. my sisters completely ignored me… they tease me.. laugh at me… poke fun at me… and leave me out of everything.. I was never included in anything… I just couldnโt fit in no matter how I tried to…
I was always left behind.. or left out.. and as much as I beg to be apart of whatever they were doing.. the answer was always nooo!!!!!
My stepmom was from another parish and all her family was there… holidays like summer.. Christmas.. she would visit… and she would take everyone including my little aunt all except me.. those first three years.. how I begged and begged to go with them..
I would cry my little eyes out not fully comprehending the reason she never includes me… my little mind have so many thoughts.. most of which I felt so unloved… so unwanted… so alone.. and I hate the world and everyone in it even my father who never said a thing.. but just allow this treatment towards me…
I became more bitter.. more angry… more distant.. I completely withdrew.. I stop talking… I stayed by myself..
I got even more vulgar with my cussing.. I would adamantly refuses all contacts verbally… which of course always result in scolding and whopping… I would only cry and do it for the worst…
….(ooh man when we are a child we donโt realize how our retaliation only results in affecting us for the worst or that we are only hurting ourselves….)
Because of her treatment towards me … my attitude and behavior only escalated… which results in giving her valid reasons for treating me the way she does… and maan did she takes such joy in mistreating me … I was never included in anything or go anywhere with her…
Her one and only excuse is that… I have a filthy mouth and she doesnโt want to be embarrassed… but… her real reason for being embarrassed is how I looked and how retarded I was… (this is how she always sees me)…..
…..( my father also always sees me as an invalid and was overly protective thinking I wasnโt able to do anything…and I guess would agree that I was somewhatof a retard… I was sick as a baby and I didnโt walk until I was about three... I was always unsteady on my feet.. causing me to fall lot.. I lacked motor skills coordination. Thus causing my clumsiness and awkwardness…)
If only she had stop to realize that it was just me putting a wall up in defense for being totally rejected by everyone…. especially her..
If and when she has to address me.. especially when dad is not around… she was very aggressive and so so impatient.. if I didnโt come fast enough or answer quickly enough.. she would always be so mean…
Only you.. her favorite line… โ it can only be you…โ I couldnโt never do or say anything right in her eyes… I was never a big eater and I was very skinny…
She would get so so mad at me for not eating everything on my plate.. โ look at you???!!โ… sheโd say.. you let people think I am not feeding you and that you live far from the kitchen…
How I miss my mom… why did she have to die??!!! Why am I so unlovable… why am I so ugly.. and weak…??!!! Why canโt she love me too!!!!
I just never realized that I was self destructive with my attitude… with my bitterness.. with my hatred.. with my anger…
I was in constant battle to win favor and grow into her likes.. but.. it was a losing battle because she made up her mind not to like me… so much that nobody in her immediate family knew that I existed…
I didn’t respond so he continued to talk … I just didn’t know what I should say or how to react… he took me by surprise… and the craziest thing was… I actually beleived him..
He said, I donโt know how this is happening I just know how I feel. If you donโt want to hear it I will never say it again.โ
I told him, โI want to hear it, but didnโt quite expect it.โ
I didnโt either. He told me. Iโm just being honest.โ
And I start to think, if he loves me, and we are feeling the same way all this timeโฆ it must mean that I might be in love with him too.
So I asked him, … but it was more of an acknowledgment…
“so what Iโm feeling could be love too?”
“I have love many people for many reasonsโฆ to me this is loveโฆ I donโt need you to reciprocateโฆ I just wanted to be open and honest”. He told me.
How do you know love different from anything else? I simply ask him.
I was wondering if this could be infatuation or lust instead. Because I could not explain the raging emotions and desires I was feeling. And to come to the realization I am in love with him was inconceivable.
And of course he has a plausible explanation, ….
“well when you wake up at 4 something and grab your phone to send a love letterโฆ yeah. To me thatโs love.โ
That was the plain truth as I see it; because here we are both of us, up at this hour of the morning wanting nothing but to feel connected…
โLaughingโ I said to him. โYou are so right.โ
I was laughing partly because I was happy that he loves me and partly because Ive got myself in quite a bind. I win a love that I canโt cash in;
how did he fall for me? Was it because he like Paige pictures so much? Was he so fascinated with her? OMG! I canโt and not able to give him what he wantsโฆ Paige.
I was thinking ….the only reasons he is in love was because he fell in love with paige’s photos…and I know I couldn’t compete with that…
Then he went on trying to let me understand,… thinkingbehind these texts of mine.. is the image of paige’s face…
love canโt be defined to meโฆ itโs something you feel but you canโt put in wordsโฆ you know you need that person as close as much as possible.โ
And I told him, ….
“and right now I canโt explain my feelingsโฆ and I sure need to be close to you.โ
Thatโs perfect!โ he said we are totally on the same page baby.โ
Seems like it to me.โ I said.
You will always set the pace babyโฆโ he was saying, โI will follow your lead till you are completely invested. After that I will take the lead and romance you and love you hugeโฆ show you how big my heart is.โ
I was sad…perturbed and flipping out a little, I never onceโฆ thought or expected โLOVEโ; but here it is โฆ. And I canโt even claimed it because I am playing this silly game of deception, thinking itโs all for fun.
trying to buy some time with this most amazing guy. I never saw this comingโฆ now I have to make the only choice there isโฆ I have to let go of himโฆ
but ….
my godโฆmy godโฆmy godโฆ!!! I am going to lose himโฆ. And I felt my tears flowing down my cheekswiththerealization…
I was having an anxiety attack ..,
the thought became unbearable…. Istopresponding…
So I told him, โLook, I am kinda lost for words. A bit confused happy, nervous, unsure. You name itโฆ Iโm it.โ
And I was, he just did not know the real reasons.
Then he said to me, โif Iโm coming too strong Nita, please tell me and I will curb thisโฆ I donโt want to freak you out… I promise my intentions are goodโฆ I know you are confusedโฆ I can back off and be a friend if thatโs what best for you. I promise.โ
I was very tempted to tell him right there and then;
I wanted you so badโฆ butโฆ, I started to say.
There is that butโฆ he stated. Ok here is the dealโฆ Iโm going to back way offโฆ Iโm sorry. He told me.
I could not muster up the butโฆ he was giving me a way out of this dilemmaand I wasthinking this couldbeforthebest…
But instead I ask, โ
“how can you be able to be friends after all this?โ
Well, we will try. He said. โI am sure we can be great friends!! I mean we seem to get along great!โ
With his wanting to back outโฆ Ishould have feltrelief… butinstead..
I start to feel panicky that he is going to turn and runโฆ
as usual he could sense my hesitancy and doubtsโฆ he was right, he just did not know the real reason.
You just took me by surpriseโฆ that all.โ I told him.
I understand,โ he said.
Friends is good but I will always want more,โ I confesses to him.
Then he says,โ listenโฆ Nitaโฆ just friendsโฆ we will chat once in a while; while you figure things out. Ok? I will be here.โ
All I read all I understood wasโฆ he was ending usโฆ.I went a little berserk and my head start to spin and hands shaking and my heart beating wildly against my chest with fear that he is going. I could hardly breathe; I had to, stop breathes slowly and tries to calm myself. I thoughtโฆ my godโฆ this is badโฆ how am I going to let him go if this is how I feel with the thought of him not there.
So I told him exactly what I was going through, โOMG!!! You are leaving meโฆ there are tears in my eyes and my heart is pounding against my chestโฆ. My hands are shaking.
He then tries to assure me, โno I will never do that!! I am trying to give you room to processโฆ I will be here waiting for you. I want more NitaโฆI know you are all messed up. Iโm going to be a gentlemanโฆ I foolishly admitted that Iโm falling in love and scared youโฆ but Nitaโฆ itโs real…And so if and when you are ready Iโm here. I want so much moreโฆ
His wordsgivemesome assurance and calm myanxiety… Iwasoverreactingwithmyinsecurities… I wassoafraid of losing our connectionthat I failed to use thisopportunity to savemyselffromrevealing this deception…
I was a bit calmer by nowโฆ so I asked him, โokay if this is what you wantโฆ. Are you really, really sure?
Maybe Iโm too sleepyโฆ Idk…Iโm sorry if Iโve sent mixed signalsโโฆ he was sounding confused himself, โIโm just so into youโฆ and itโs been forever since Iโve felt anything even remotely like this. I feel like every night you tell me you are confused and uncertainโฆ so I feel I should give you an outโฆ if you come back โฆ be ready!
That was my queue; I should have taken that way out; but as usual I have to be selfish; I could not deal with the thought of him gone even though that was the only choice I had;. So I had to string this most thoughtful and understanding man along with my false pretenses. I just didnโt know how to stop, how to walk away… I couldn’t think very clearly right then.
So me, with my pathetic self instead of taking his offer out, I try to hang on; leading him on a little longer knowing damn well I have nothing to contribute to this relationship;
So I told him, โI looked forward so much to talk to you. I get excited for more of you; you have become an addicting habit.
Yeah, I totally get it!! He said. Look at me! Look at us! Itโs five.โ
Donโt know what I was thinking I could offer him; but I ask him, โand what do you want me to do? What would be the next step?
โI want you to always do what you feel best for you, Nitaโ. He told me.
โMy excitement now becomes fearโฆ fear of losing youโ.
I let him know.
“And it doesnโt feel so good.
I actually was very afraid of losing him even though it was the inevitable thing.
And he makes it worse by telling me,
“I want you to let us goโฆ or promise to take the next step at some pointโฆ in the next month or two at leastโฆ but please donโt be afraid of anythingโฆ Iโm here baby.โ
And I asked with my heart as heavy as lead, โyou want me to let us go?โ
This was thelastthing I wanted to do..I started to cry withthethought of lettinggo…
I know I could not promise him anything and I know I have to let him go for all the reasons he doesnโt know about; if only I could be Paigeโฆ{ oh what tangled web we weave.}
“I will not pushโฆ I promiseโฆ I just want to set a realistic expectationโฆ for both of usโฆ that is fair right? He asked of me.
It is… it isโฆ I agreed.
“Ok then,โ he said. Sleep on it babyโฆ no pressureโฆ everโฆ you know where my heart isโฆโ
He was trying to reassure me that all he wants is the best for us; and all Iโm seeing and hearing is goodbye, simply because I know there is no way I can ever have him or his love. And I was dying inside; because right now, more than anythingโฆ that was all I wantedโฆ him.
It sounds like goodbye to me.โ I told him.
Again he reassured me, โitโs not thoughโฆ I promise.โ
How will know this? I asked.
Read it all back tomorrowโฆ he asked of me, โitโs just me being courteous and giving you an out. Because I know you are scared and confusedโฆ and I never want to take advantage of thatโฆ so Iโm trying to help.โ
I convinced myself that this was itโฆ so I said to him, โin a blaze gloryโฆ I found you, and Iโm losing you the same way.โ
I guess he was getting annoyed with my reservation and negativity;
that lead him to say, โI have made my feelings clearโฆ and I will tell you againโฆ I want more! More anything Wakanita! And anything Wakanita.โ
I realize this so I switch and try to blame it on my so-called young age; โI guess this is where my immaturity fails me.โ
He then went back to be reassuring, โpretty girl…Please understand. Iโm not closing any doorsโฆ Iโm allowing you to be in controlโฆ although I would love to take the helm and love you madlyโฆ I will let you decide our fate.
โI donโt know how to handle and take this,โ I started to say, but I switch and say instead, โok my Allen, Iโm going you stay positive and believe in youโฆ. I will do as you asked.
You see, he does not know the reason behind all my reservations; so he will never understand, and seeing I canโt allow myself to tell him; or build up the courage to walk away and let him go; I will just play this game until i find a way.
Please do! I am falling in love with you Nita. And Iโm giving you complete control at the same time.โ He said to me.
โBecause I want more too.โ I finish telling him.
โa rush of emotion just totally wash over me.โ He informed me.
Then I said, โoh my! You love meโฆ me.
Yes I love you!โ he convinces me.
โI canโt believe that you do just by talking to me.โ I told him
He then argues, โpeople are so scared to admit it because it hurts to lose itโฆ fโฆk thatโฆ Iโm willing to risk what it takes.โ
Then I confess to him, โI think I may be in love with you too.โ
And he went onto say, โdefine loveโฆ you canโtโฆ you never willโฆ itโs a moving targetโฆ I know we are falling in love and that isnโt a bad thing.โ
Then I went back in role, โI am not too sure what it feels likeโฆ to be in love.โ I told him.
[Why do I do that? If I have nothing to sayโฆ then shush.]
You are baby…โ itโs why we are so crazy.โ He told me.
โAllen โฆ is it possible? I ask of him.
Itโs like defining a colorโฆ you canโt.โ he was saying. โYesโ he answered me. โWe are in loveโโฆ where it goesโฆ itโs up to us.โ
But Wakanita โฆ I love you for sure!โ he stated with confident.
I sent him two smiley faces;] and give out. โYou love me for sureโฆWOW!!!โ
โPerhaps you will break my heart. But Iโm willing to put it out thereโฆ Iโm ours to take or leave or ruin!โ he let me know.
And I thoughtโฆ ruinโฆ for sure.
And then I ask him, โand I wonder, will I fit in your world?
Then I started to think about his prestige life style and thinking I could never fit in his world anyways… So I started to question the possibility of us ever being together… so strange how I allow myself to play this role… and as usual.. he have all the right things to say to console me and to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about…
I should have cut off our conversations and do as he asked hours ago… he gave me the perfect alibi to get out of this dilemma that I built …
It’s not going to end well… because I don’t know when and where to get out..
so I woke up feeling so refreshed…I was feeling good withmyself and full of life: I had a night full of dreams of Allen; he has taken over my whole being; he was the only thing I was capable of thinking of…
As soon as I got up…I had to let him know exactly what I was feeling and how he was impactingmymood…So I wrote to him,
โGood morning to you my Allenโฆ. Well after we stop talking, I went back to those final texts of yoursโฆ you knew I would haveโฆ and relive every wordโฆ I drifted off to sleep imagining you beside me and I swear could feel you, I close my eyes and went to a dream living every word you wroteโฆ you are rocking my world Allen, with only your words. My night was filled with your passion. You have awakened something in me I never knew existed and if I can feel this way by merely fantasizing and merely imagining ????โฆ you are blowing my mindโฆ. And everything that goes with itโฆ as I texts my heart is going a mile an hour. Iโm really messed upโฆ but it light up my face with this silly smile and Iโm so excited for moreโฆ much much more of you.โ
I did not stop there, though ……
“you know … I wish I could find the right words to express exactly how you make me feelโฆ like you doโฆ you have such a great way of saying and explaining your feelingsโฆ you put words on paper like an artist that capture a scenery on canvasโฆ all in all Allenโฆ Iโm loving us..Thisโฆ whatever it isโฆ and talking about blowing up phone????โฆ you can blow up mine anytime though.โ
And then I asked him,โ btwโฆ I want you to find that song and really listen to it and think of meโฆ it is about everything you have said to meโฆ if I did not know better, I would think you wrote itโฆ this is reason I thought of it โฆ it mirrors every word you said to meโฆ this would be the song I want to be playing while we make passionate and explosive love.โ[I wanna take forever in your arms)
I didnโt know it, but I was fully blown in love, I did not want to think it; and right there right now all that matters was how I was feeling; I did not stop to think of the consequences of all my declaration of feelings and how I was leading on โMY SWEET Allenโ. I was ecstatic and full of exhilaration; and I yearn for moreโฆ more of him, and that was all I could think of.
I did not hear from him until 3:30 that evening; I was getting ready to go to work, and was very happy and so thrilled to get that text,
โWell what amazing story to plug into!!! I thought for sure you would not text me till tonight. Man was I wrong, and my god, am I happy, I was! Iโm glad you can feel me so perfectly through our words! I can feel you too beautiful. I love the way all this feels and it is having such a amazing and profound effect on my entire day! Iโm happier than Iโve been in forever and anxiously waiting for more. This is a beautiful connection Nitaโฆ our hearts are in harmony. What a perfect gifts for the holidays!
And he continues to say, โI hope you are having a great day so far and I plan on staying up tonight so we can talk if you would like to. If this how good we feel in written words I can only imagine the emotional and physical connect waiting for us, if you choose to go further Wendy. So do me a favor pretty girlโฆ smile! You wear it so well. I canโt wait to one day see that beautiful smile in personโฆ I have a feeling I will be silly a lot just to get you laughing and smiling.โ
Iโm reading what he is saying .. I am smiling.. my heart is burstingwith joy as I read his words of love…
…….and all of a sudden it hit meโฆ all this joy and happiness I am feeling canโt be mineโฆ and it was as if my light went out. And I was left thinkingโฆ I need to get outโฆ but I choked up with just the thought of losing him. I did not know what to do or how to do it.
Anywayโฆโ he said, โnow Iโm blowing you up!! Ha-ha! Well I hope you have a nice day at work and you stay busy so it goes by fast.โ Talk soon beautiful!!!
So I said to him, โgetting ready as we speak…Profound is the word I was thinking this morningโฆ I was amazed at this profound joy I have and get just thinking about you; I canโt believe you are feeling this way too. Anyways, gotta get to work, until tonightโฆ have fun at the Christmas party and save the last dance for me.โ
Awwww!!!โ he said, โyou one every dance pretty girl! You seem to be all I can think about or want! Have a great night Wakanita! Talk later I hope.
I left for work a little apprehensive and perturbed; if he is reciprocating my emotions then I am doing him wrong; I know how strongly I was feeling; andobviously he is feelingwith the sameintensity…
I have to find a way to tell him or stop this. I was getting very upset wit thethought of not ever reading his loving words again…
I could not bear the thought but I know it has to be done; and he is such a sweet and wonderful guy; he does not deserve this. The tears were starting and on many occasion I had to brush them away. I was not having good a night at all…
I kept thinking of what he had said and how elated he sounded; he was feeling and having the same exact emotions I was; it was so amazing to me, In all my life and of all my affairs; husbands and all; I never felt this kind of superb connection before; and I love itโฆ. And I need itโฆ and I just canโt have it. It canโt be mineโฆ because I am not Paige and I donโt look like Paige.
Regrets starttoentermy mind… askingmyselfwhy did I startwiththisdeception…
HowdidIgethere… he hasgottensoimportant to meand I havebecome so emotionallyinvested…
I had mixed feeling all day long one minute I was getting all excited and overly anxious to get home so I could talk to him and feel some more of this ecstatic emotions; next minute I was all agitated and frantic because I know I have to let him go. But until I come up with a plausible reason to back out, Iโll continue to enjoy him for as long as I can make it last.
(And this is where I’m messing up.. prolonging an affair that’simpossible to maintain… just so I can enjoy him.. while playing this horrific game of deception..)
So when I got home I anxiously wrote him excitingly; almost forgetting my struggle and agony; all I wanted and all I could think ofโฆ was just to feel connect to him, so I saidโฆ
โHey lover!!! Are you up? Just got in from work: it was truly a long day waiting with anticipation to get home so we can talk. At one point I started to get overly anxiousโฆ boy you have me real good. So how was your evening? Did you enjoy the party?โ
โI had to fight to stay focused and a few times I found myself drifting off thinking about you and all that you have said to me.โ
I was not getting back any response so I figure my Allen has fallen asleep. I continued to tell him what was going through my mind,
“I particularly like what you said ..you are the happiest than you have been in forever, and that our hearts are in harmony. If you were close I would wrap my arms around you in the tightest hug I could and hold you as close as closely as I can.โ
I told him.
I wanted him to know I was having the same euphoric feelings and how very delighted I was to know that he was right there with me; it is most terrific thing to know that you are loved the same way that you love. I have never experienced this; and it was so phenomenal.
Anyways I did not get a response so I try to watch a little TV but could not fully focus, so I try to sleep, of course I could not either; so at about 4:30 he sent me a text.
โHey beautiful!! I just woke up and checked my phoneโฆ I fell asleep waiting for you, I really wanted to chat. Guess I am just way too tiredโฆ anywayโฆ I want to tell you that I’ve had anamazing dreams tonight about us and the night isnโt over!!! So yeahโฆ I canโt wait for more! And Wakanita โฆ. Iโd love any contact what so everโฆ I think when we touch it will validate our feelings and make things so realโฆ so I want anything you want tonightโฆ. Iโm going back to sleep so I can be with you again. I hope you wake up, read this and smile! Knowing how much you are cared for and adored!โ
My god!! I was smiling so widely and I was so touched by his feelings for me;
Iโm smiling,โ I said to him.
But he was still talking,
“I canโt tell you how much I love that you are losing focus and drifting to usโฆ Iโm totally doing the same thingโฆ whether itโs us holding hands or kissing or making loveโฆ itโs just all good and all amazing thoughts of what might beโฆ and that fills my mind with so much love and optimismโฆ.so Nitaโฆ thank youโฆ thank you for making me feel so alive. Goodnight sweet girl. I hope you are sleeping perfect with sweet dreamsโ
When I read that last part… I felt a rush of emotional sensation; and tears come to my eyes. He is sensing my emotions again and itโs like he was telling me, exactly what I was feeling and thinking. He was echoing my every thoughts and desires. I could not believe how much in tune we were.
Perfect!!!โ He said to me, โgo back to sleep beautiful; night sweetheart.โ
I dozed off too. Night Allen, I told him, โbut now Iโm awake and full of excitement.โ
And then he told me the most incredible thing; โWAKANITAโฆ IโM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.โ
Oh myโ!! I exclaimed. โReally? I asked.
I couldnโt think for a moment; I did not quite expected him to drop that โLโ bomb; but he did and it exploded and I was totally blown awayโฆ everything was running through my mind; my deception, my lies, my pretense, Paige pictures, me,; my god!!! What am I going to do about this? If there is any time to come clean it is now; but how? I have to think about it. I am going to hurt him real bad; and he is gonna hate me, might even kill me for doing this to him. He such a nice and sweet guy, he donโt deserve this. I was going berserk; I was freaking out.
I really didn’t know what to say next.. I just stood there… looking at my phone and reading his confession over and over… my mind whirling with mixed feelings.
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So I arrived in Florida…it was a Saturday night.. November 5 th…my baby and I was met by my aunt… as we drove to her home I was just in awe of my new surroundings… I still couldnโt believe I was here….
My only regret was leaving my older son behind..and I still could see his little face so sad.. and hear his voice saying…
โThe only thing you forget is me … is me mommyโ…..
Those words haunted me to this day.. and still bring tears to my eyes.. I couldnโt take him with me..and I hated leaving him behind.. but I had get away from this man of mine…
I refused to stay and be physically abused… I had to sacrifice leaving my son.. but I promised I would make it right…(it took me six years to get him with me… eventually…)
My aunts was very receptive and seemed glad to have me… my baby was only a year and ten months… and was a crier… he clings to me a lot.. which was expected..
Christmas ๐ came and went.. the weather was a bit chilly for me… and in January I thought itโs time for me to find work…
But…
My aunt refuses to babysit for me and I couldnโt afford the nursery… so I decided to take him back home until I get settled in a job and was capable of looking after him…
โThis was in February …. I reluctantly left him with his father.. and now I had to leave both my boys behind.. but… I was determined to come back and do everything I can to get them both with me…
I came back and immediately decided to find work.. I couldnโt get a job in my profession as an accountant… due to lack of computer knowledge or was I computer literate…. I decided to try as a cashier which I gain from being a assistant manager at a supermarket…
Thus.. my career as a cashier began… I picked up a job in a retail store…..I stayed at my aunt house for one year before she asked me to leave.. I then moved to Orlando Florida to stay with another aunt…
I came here and picked up another job.. so I had two jobs now…
Every summer I would go back home to see my babies.. this was the second summer for me.. when I return home and see my baby I was was so upset at his condition…
His father was not taking care of him… I almost didnโt come back.. I cried all the way home… and I told and relate to my aunt about what was happening with my baby and just how concerned I was and how distraught I was…
She saw my motherly anguish.. and promised to help me get accommodations so I could get my babies with me…
She and her husband was in real estate so she told me she would see if she could get me approved for a mortgage.. and she did…
And by the end of that year I got me a house… I went to get my baby .. but my older son didnโt have a visa.. so again I had to leave him behind…
I cause that baby of mine so much sorrow… I tried to make up with gifts… hoping it would make him happy… and when I finally decided to go get him.. he was 16 years old…
I had lost him. He out grew me.. and me him..he seems happy back there.. but… when he came here he became so depressed… that he tried to commit suicide at eighteen..
I was never home.. I worked.. from 11pm to 2 pm for day five days a week… I was always so afraid of leaving him… but.. thank goodness he never again tried it…
My youngest father also decided that heโs gonna join me and I allow him because my son was very attached by now… I was hoping he had changed his abusive ways..
I had also agreed to marry him.. and as soon as we got married he started to physically abuse me again… I keep trying and trying until I just had more than I could take… it took me four years to finalize our relationship…I called the police and file a domestic dispute… they got him out and I changed the locks and get me a security system in place…
Hence.. divorcing his sorry ass… I have been single since…
Over the next 20 years I worked those two jobs.. maintained my mortgage.. and see my kids through to adulthood…
In my view.. I have successfully achieved and accomplish my goal of being there for my children… I call this progress…
Yes I could have gone back to school.. get back into my accounting profession… but I was too overwhelmed with bills and babies to stop and again make more sacrifices and putting my babies second…
It was enough that I was working these long hours.. not spending enough time with them to add studying to that list..
Iโm proud of where I am… what I have accomplished…my boys are now adults and are two of the most amazing men there is…
They both have families and are super dads… I guess I must have done something right after all.. am so very proud of them… and Iโm so contented that I can retire and notworry about them or me…
My hard work pays off.. in the end… Iโm able to survive financially and if I am short or in need.. my awesome sons is there to help me out..
What more can one ask for…
If thatโs not being successful…
Then what is…????
I may have been a late bloomer and my life didnโt took off until I was in my thirties.. it may took a change of complete scenery and location..but… I. did it… I made it happen.. I got my own home… I became independent… and most of all I became the provider my kids needed…
It may not seem much to many but to me.. looking at where I am to where I have been… I have accomplished quite a lot… and I call it being successful…
I grew out of my insecurities and my lack of confidence…
I was born on a Friday morning in February of 1960s…. I was the most beautiful baby girl.. but at ten months my life took a turn for the worst.. I became so sick… my mom gives me up as dead…
โ go bury her โ she commands my dad… but he wouldnโt give up on me… he didnโt stop trying to find a cure for my unexplainable condition.. and when he finally did .. he was very elated but so very disappointed that I was never the same healthy baby he had…
I grew up feeble.. and sickly.. I was awkward and clumsy with zero motor skills coordination… so everyone just treated me like a retarded invalid… they sheltered me and limit me.. to things like playtime because they thought I couldnโt handle it.. trying to protect me without realizing the great damage they were afflicting…..
My mom decided to pass away when I was nine. Leaving behind a severely damage girl… my dad took us to live with my stepmom..
And…
Life becomes an unbearable struggle till I was old enough to go on my own.. I grew alone and apart from my siblings.. I was treated with much indifference..
No love… no affection… no acknowledgement… no confidence.. no self esteem…
I had bad stutter… I fall a lot.. I continuously cry… I was bed wetter until I was about thirteen…
I was mocked.. make jokes at .. laugh at.. shun.. and scolded for everything…
But…
I out grow it all and I believe I had a decent early adulthood… I made poor choices in relationships always seeking a love I didnโt know how receive or give…
I didnโt do so well in school .. because no one ever took an interest in our education…. I donโt remember anyone ever asking me about homework.. or find out how we were progressing… after graduation..I wasnโt brazen or bold enough to be able to function in the world… I was insecure and shy.. until I read somewhere… to be shy is to be selfish because you are only thinking of yourself….
My older sister was working and going to business college… while I was home so afraid to go out there to find work…
Church was my outlet so I decided I wanted to be a nun.. a great way out. But dad .. for the first in my short life he decided to sit me down and lecture me on how it would be a waste of life to enter the nun hood…
Me … eager to please and was so fill with joy that he took out the time to sit with me and actually talked to me.. decided to withdraw my intentions to be a nun.. he promised me to pay for a business course and Advice me to go find one that I like to attend…
But what did I know about picking a decent school… I did find one … but My choice wasnโt the best so after a few months I had to …changed to a different one..
Walking home one day … my long hair caught the attention of this man driving past…( I had the most beautiful jet black hair.. long and shiny.. I regularly wear it flowing and cascading down my back ..) he stopped and offered me a ride home… I accepted…
We started seeing each other which my father didnโt approve because he was older and has been married with three boys.. I however disobeys my dad strict order to stop seeing him.. and that relationship lasted for year and ended badly when he decided to go back to his wife….
School didnโt prove too successful and so I tried working… but thatโs also ended up with me losing it..
A few months down the line I met this US marine and for six months I was in glory… I had found love .. but this too ended on a bad note when I found he was also dating another…
I had started a business and management course at a more reputable school…and it was here that I met this other girl who revealed my marine deception… and where I unfortunately gain the likes of my accounts teacher……( I was taking accounts and management course) he decided to Pursue me to my great discomfort… and when I tried to tell him I was not interested he threatened suicide with tears..
And being so damn naive I allow him to persuade me to give him a chance against my will… we ended up living together unfortunately…
We went out one night and his car broke down and I had no way home… so we spent the night in his car and went home that morning…but my dad put the fear of god in me when he warned me not to ever repeat it and to he sure I come home every night..
And the very next weekend I was again stuck with no way home and the option of living with him was a much better option than facing the wrath of my dad…. that was the worst year of my life…
I dropped out of school… he was an alcoholic.. so I was bar hopping with him… being physically abused… often go hungry… moving from place to place.. but I want to prove to my dad that I could do this… but after a year.. I finally got the courage to leave him for good and beg my dad to allow me back home.. he reluctantly did and it took me two years to start dating again…
That relationship had left a bitter taste in my mouth and a callous on my heart…
During this period of my life I was struggling to find my way out… I was not progressing…both my sisters was working in Decent jobs… and I was not… I was by far the least successful one…
My dad own a tobacco company and he allows me to work for him.. I stayed there for two years…until met my first husband… I got pregnant for him but it went sour in my seventh month..
He was a womanizer… and he couldnโt help himself… he told me once that he was like a dog thrown in a pen full of all different kinds of meat…. so he just have to take bites out of everyone.. and itโs not that he love me less.. itโs just that he has all these tasteful choices and he just couldnโt resist biting into them… but know that Iโm his favorite…and he will always loves me the best…
I couldnโt see it his way so left him with his delightful choices and moved back home… I had my baby.. got back together with him.. and he took care of us until he decided to move back home to America.. he was an American…
Me and my stepmom was really not the best of friends… but she agrees to look after my son while I go work.. I was very appreciative but I honestly neglected my son with the poor excuse that heโs well taken care of..
everyone in my family undermines me and I had no control over him.. so
I allowed everyone to take control away from me because I lacked the guts to stand up to them.. so as usual I run away and hide instead… I got lost in working three jobs..never realizing how much I was hurting my baby boy…
My stepmom took pride in full responsibility and never fails to put me down to my son…
But..
I did allow it gladly… telling myself that heโs ok and he is loved by everyone… this lasted five years until my father passed away from an heart attack…
Then everything changes for me.. I quit my job… I ended my four year relationship with a non progressed guy… that following year went by with me not remembering what took place.. I was in a daze..
But…
The second year.. I got married to my best friend.. .. he was my salvation and my angel….he was the best thing ever to happen to me… too bad it took me until he died to realize the great blessing he was to me….
I got pregnant with my second son.. that same year…my stepmom chased me out of the house letting me know that I wonโt be bringing no more babies inside there.. and of course I allow her to decide my fate.. I had to leave my first son behind… this was my second mistake in abandoning him..
But the truth be told.. she wanted us girls out.. so she and her biological sons could have the house… she got her desire… of course..I made up my mind never to return to that house.. let her have it.. I will get mine someday…
I had been to hell and back with my baby father.. and when my baby was a year and ten months… I decided to do something about coming to America… my husband was an American .. so I asked him to file for me…
I got the chance and I took it..from the first day I set foot on American soil.. my whole world has changed for the better…
Forty one important lessons..Do and Donโt in any relationship…
This is a book ๐ that illustrates lessons learned from the author perspective… the doโs and donโt gather from the relationship he experiences… And all the mistakes he made before realizing the consequences of his actions…
He lived a full life and fully enjoyed his days of being the sexual beast he was… so he wants to pass on all the valuable lessons he learned along the way
You will definitely enjoy this book full of tales of his most adventurous encounters… and see that no no matter how good it was in time of questioning… the consequences or repercussions … sometimes isnโt worth the pleasure of the moment…
He walked away fulfilled with sexual gratification but.. find that he has learned these 41 valuable lessons which he take great pride in sharing hoping to enlighten those that take the time to read his delightful stories ..
You will find joy in all his episodes as he relived them…
So please go to amazon and find you a copy of .. NAUGHTY- Forty one important lessons..
I would love to introduce a couple books ๐ to you…
First one โ๏ธ…….
YOU BETTER NOT CRY ๐ข…. by Rufus Brown…
Itโs a very touching short summarize story of a Childhood abuse endured from age 7 to teenager…
Itโs told in the words of the victim. Itโs non- fiction… she relives it again as she relates it her son…. allowing him to understand just how strong she was to be able to overcome such an abusive life… and be able to be the kind of mom she was…
She never reveals it to her children until she fell sick and knows she doesnโt have much time left on this earth..
She asked him to tell her story to the world.. she wanted people to know..
โWHAT DONT KILL YOU… ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER…โ
You canโt hold on to things of the past.. you can only move on forward…
So Iโm inviting yโall to take the chance on this short story and feel her sorrow and pain she had no choice but to endure…
(he got a text from one of his girls.. Sandy… he haven’t talk to her for a while.. so he called and she invited him over the next day asking him if he wants to accompany her to a celebration for her relatives at the Marriott hotel…
He Gladly accepted her invitation… it was surely a welcome distraction right now…
They spoke for a little catching up with each other.. and after he hung up he felt so much better… he was even smiling with the anticipation of a good day tomorrow….that he lost his anger with that girl of his…
He finally settled down and turned in for the night… He drifted off to sleep thinking of sandy remembering how much fun she was in the past and hoping to rehash some of that Funtime come tomorrow..)
She woke him up with a call .. wanting to know what time is he getting there.. he asked her what time does she expect him..
She let him know they have access to the rooms and the pool all day long.. and he should get there as soon as he can.. and then remind him not to forget his swimming trunks…
She sounds really enthusiastic and anxious to see him.. and he was kinda feeling the same about seeing her too.. it’s been a while since he had…
He got up took a shower … and decided to go over to that hotel and have some needed fun with Sandy..
When he arrived she met him in the lobby..
she ran up to him .. so excited to see him.. and wrapped him a hug..
she felt so good to hold in his arms and she smells deliciously enticing..
They separated and he took her in .. noticing every small detail of her … she was casually dressed in a jeans and a nice summer top.. which was revealing a little cleavage.. which caused him to lick his lips desirously.. reflecting with images of her naked boobs…
He smiles as she grab his hands and said eagerly..
“Come on …come say hi to my family that’s here..”
He follows her as she leads him on.. he kept a smile as she introduced him to everyone.. trying to keep his mind focus on what’s she’s saying… instead of drifting off thinking of how her boobs bounced with each move she makes.. or how her curvy hips and her round ass sways so sensually as she moves from relatives to relatives..
Her sisters gave him that look of … yesss we know what’s on your mind..”
He felt himself blushing and smiling sheepishly knowing they are reading his mind right now…
As she mingled with everyone.. he took the time to reflect on their past and as he look at her smiling and seeing just how gorgeous she is as she gracefully and effortlessly flitters around the room ….he tries to figure out why he didn’t pursue her and why he had lost connection with her..
She’s a really beautiful and sensually sexual girl.. and she exudes this strong sexual energy ..
He somehow couldn’t quite remember what exactly was the reason for not keeping her closer..
But…
She is here now… and he’s definitely going to make use of this opportunity..
she must like him some to have invited him to this very intimate gathering of families and even taking pride in introducing him to everyone…
She then suggested that she’d like to show him the rooms they booked for the night… and even told him that she saved one just for him..
He was gamed.. as they excuse themselves and took the elevators up.. he started to get all excited and he felt the tightening of his pants as he subconsciously tried to adjust it…
She noticed his fidgeting and turned to witness his actions.. he quickly removed his hands and she giggles a little.. telling him she knows exactly what was happening..
She stepped a little closer to him.. brushing her hips next to his thighs.. and it sent a electrifying emotional shock through his whole body.. and as if she senses his reaction she turned her face to look at him with a very mischievous smile…
They came to their floor… and as they elevator stop….she took his hand in hers and led the way. ..
he noticed her palms was a little sweaty… and he smile ..
She wants him too…
She opened the door to one of the rooms and they entered…it was really a beautiful setting.. the curtains match the bed spread and it was delicate fresh scent present…
He was feeling a little warm so he walked over to adjust the room temperature …
He sat on the bed with his back to the headboard.. she climbed on too .. on her tummy facing him…
They converse trying to catch up on each other life..
It started to cool down … and he politely asked her if she mind if he gets a bit comfortable…
She shook her head that she don’t and told him..
” please do…”
He got up take off his shoes and his shirt…
He got back in smile at her as she lay there gazing up on him… he reached over to remove a stray strand of hair from her face…. telling her that he had missed her and asked softly….
” What happens to cause them to drift apart???….”
She just shrugs her shoulders in response….
He continued to tell her how beautiful she was looking and how good it is to be there with her… he thank her for inviting him and including him in her festivities….as he gently stroke her face …. tracing the outline with his fingers….
She leans into his hand pressing her cheeks against his fingers.. she close her eyes and softly rub her cheek against his fingers like a kitty would…
He could sense her desire for him.. so he placed his forefinger beneath her chin …. heisting her parted lips as he leaned in to kiss her…
She closed her eyes again…and her lips tremble with anticipation… he lightly brushed his lips against hers…and she sucks in her breath in anticipation inhaling his scent.. as she eagerly strain her neck towards him to receive his kiss.. but he stopped. Pulled away… looking at her mouth , and smiling mischievously…as she subconsciously licked her lips where he has touched with his…
She opened her eyes..looking at him.. revealing a hot fiery passion … burning with fierce desire…
With one swift move..She reached for him.. pulling him towards her and fiercely kiss him .. Deeply and sensually.. .that causes a jolt of electricity to run through him straight to his groin…He rolled on her back pressing closely into her with a intensely urgent desire….
She could feel his excitement as he pressed into her.. and he could sense her reciprocal excitement from her racing heart beat and from her shallow breathing…
Her hands was busily exploring his back and his buttocks as she urged him in even closer…
He eased up.. and look at her… and he saw the only answer he needed in her face and eyes..”
He begins to undress her as she intermittently covers his bare chest with kisses.. when he reaches for her pants .. she automatically lifted her hips for easy removal..
he fumbles with her bra but got it and released her voluptuous bouncing boobs’…they were so much more beautiful than he recalled…
his excitement only grows with the sight and he kiss her as he fondled her breasts .. he placed trails of kisses on her neck moving towards those hard nipples…as he enjoyed the scent of her as it fills his nostrils.. She was intoxicatingly delicious..
He felt her heisting her hips and her legs slightly opening.. he knew she was as ready as he was..
she reached for his pants and with some urgency she tries to release his rock hard dick..
He got up with a quick move and discard the obstacle..and she gasp at the sight of him .. she touched him and stroke him slowly and ever so gently as she guided him to her soaking wettt.. pulsating kitty…. easing into position to receive him…
She felt so so good.. as he slowly enter her.. resisting the urge to plunge deep and hard.. he had been aching and craving for the feel of her…
She made a sensual groan of pleasure as she started to move with him..
she was grabbing his ass begging him to ..
” fuck me baby .. fuck me.. ”
As she urged him to go faster.. she was convulsing around his hard dick.. making him knew she was cumin..
it makes him lose control and he felt himself ready to spill his load .. I’m cumin baby.. he told her.. she just bit her lower lips .. nodding.. her face full of pure pleasure..
as he made the last thrust before he release it all.. he felt her hold on to him and arch her back and said….
He could feel her kitty going wild gripping and clenching onto his dick as he emptied into her…
It is a divine ecstasy and he was feeling so blissfully satisfied…
He slowly pumped into her a couple more times enjoy the feeling of her convulsions..
she was shaking a little.. breathing as heavily as he was.. as cum spill out seeping down her legs..
They just lie there for a minute or two savoring the moment..
he then kiss her tenderly and whispered a thank you..
She smiles at him and hug him close to her.. nestling her face into his neck.. in response…
He rolled off her and got up and headed to the shower.. she decided to join him.. they finished .. get ready.. and headed downstairs to grab something to eat..
They walked hugging each other to the elevator..nothing was said..on the way down.. but the smiles and the silence speaks volumes..
….. John woke up and saw me outside.. he came and asked if I was ready to go.. I told him yes..
I sat there thinking and wishing I did not made the choice I had.. and feeling so upset because apart from upsetting her I have ruin my Christmas plans..
I got up retrieved my things and said bye to her.. not getting a response..
And head for the car.. my son and I .. we had a good little conversation on our way… and he was very sympathetic to me.. he shows understanding and actually told me that he thinks she has more issues than she thinks he has..
I had to agree with that statement.. he gives me a few examples of her iritic outburst… which he thought was very unnecessary especially with her eldest… but he said she doesn’t receive advices or suggestions too well…
That was enough explanation for me..
It was their second anniversary so I asked him to go easy on her and try not to do or say anything to upset the day…
He dropped me off and headed back home..
It took me two days to overcome my feelings.. and on the second day I thought I’d send her a text apologizing.. hoping she would now be in a better frame of mind..
“Hey ๐ Megan..
I do hope you are feeling much better today…
I’m so sorry ๐ my visit took a turn for the worst…
I didn’t mean to upset ๐ก you so badly..
I just wanted to spend some time with you and enjoy ๐ your company..
So sorry ๐ for what I have said to make you so ๐ mad…
It was never my intentions..
I just hope we can move forward and beyond it..
And continue as friends..
I am not mad with you..
I know you are just going through a very emotional time right now. .. being in your last month of pregnancy ๐คฐ and all..
And have a family to take care of..
You are doing such an awesome ๐ job sweet girl…
You are a strong girl and you are a most wonderful mom and wife…
Keep on doing what you are doing..”
It went unanswered..
I even tried to butter her up.. hoping she would smile..
Ooh well!!?? I guess I just better leave it at that..
The next two weeks to Christmas ๐ was very emotional for me because for the very first time I’m not going to be celebrating ๐ฅณ Christmas without John…
John came over Christmas Eve with ayden..
We went out to eat.. he spent a few hours then leave..
We had exchange Christmas ๐ gifts ๐ . And good wishes ..
So next day ( Christmas ๐ Day) was just me and my younger son home.. I tried to make the best of it..
The day came and went very uneventful..
I got a text from John that Friday.. baby coming.. and a couple hours later.. he sent photos..
So baby was born at 10am Friday morning…
And just when I was getting over my emotional state .. here comes another reason for me to be sad ๐ข…
I won’t be able to go see my granddaughter.. and I vowed that I would never go back to her home unless she personally invited me..
It’s been two weeks since the birth of my granddaughter..
And she did send some pictures to me and we had a little texting dialogue.. but I haven’t heard from her since..
And I’m not anxiously thinking that is an invite to resume connection..
So I will wait until she decided to do so..
I have been talking to friends about what happens.. and their suggestions have me looking at the whole scenario differently.. and at different angles…
One such suggestions is that maybe she wanted to cut John’s families out of the picture..
I don’t really care too much other than I’m not going to be able to spend much time with my granddaughter..
But I can do it if I have to.. I just find it so funny.. the extreme of it all..
Here I’m am left with total responsibility of my younger son daughter.. to the point that I have to ask him to give me a break..
And now I’m not going to be able to see this one at all..
I just can’t win for losing…
I will just have to let it all play out and deal with whatever comes..
…… I continued to cookdinner.... shelocked herself in her bedroom… I was really uncomfortable and wish I could leave and go home… my emotions was running high and wild….
I felt guilty and badly for causing her rage… but I had mixed feelings.. the more I think about the conversation.. I come up with the conclusion that I didn’t actually say anything to have cause her reacting in that manner..
And… come to think about it she was very mean and somewhat rude to the point of disrespect… shouldn’t I have reminded her of who she was talking to and asked her to address me with more respect than that..
I didn’t even raise my voice once. I maintain my composure.. why then am I so forgiving and remorseful.. could it be because I’m in her home….
Or..
Is it because she is pregnant..
I find myself very understanding and even compassionate towards her… my throat was tightening up again..and my eyes were filling up with tears.. accidentally spilling down my face..
I think it’s because I liked her so much and I wanted so much to spend this time with her… we don’t really communicate too often and I so much wanted be close with her..
This is a side of her I never saw or known..
So after I finish cooking I thought I would go see if she has calm down and try to break the ice. .. letting her know that I’m not mad.. hoping she would be receptive to my gesture…
But..
She was very cold and distant..and had an negative attitude…
So I just back away disappointingly.. and utter a “OUCH “……
I went to my grandson room… I was not feeling too good and again I wish I could leave… why did I invite my silly ass over… I question myself…
My son came home but I didn’t go out to greet him…
But later on I decided to go and put away the food for the night… she didn’t come out if her room all evening..
John was sitting on the couch and he came in the kitchen to ask me why did I say that to her about her son..
So I had to explain to him the conversation we had that leads up to me mentioning her son to her..
I broke down in the middle of the story and my son..he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions…so he was getting uncomfortable ๐ฃ and asked me to stop… so I did..
I finished up with what I was doing and went back to the room.. I lay there for hours going over and over in my mind the incident that occurred…
She chooses to tell john just the comment I made about her son… shaking my head… and to think of it …..she was the one who said everything she wanted John to believe I said…
I dozed off with tears flowing… I was very hurt for more reasons than one..
I didn’t get up with my grandson that morning….but after they left For school I got up.. got ready.. pack my belongings.. and decided to go sit outside in the backyard until my son wakes up…
She was on the couch.. I shouted , ” good morning ๐โ๏ธ๐ Megan “….
I didn’t get a reply.. so as I was passing to go through the door to the backyard.. I asked,
” are you okay today??….”
She replied very sarcastically and very nonchalantly ..
“As good as I’m going to be “….
I replied.. “that’s good “….
I sensed her indifference and her detachment… so I just leave her alone..
The evening went well.. we all retired to our sleeping quarters…
I slept with my grandson and he woke me up pretty early.. they had school…
My son was off to work early .. I had some coffee โ๏ธ sit for a while with meg..
And about an hour later .. decided to get up to change out my pjs…I asked meg what was on her agenda…and she said she wanted to go to the store to pick up something.. I told her I would glad to ride along with her..
I thought she meant later in the morning but just as I got into my clothes.. she asked if I was ready… so we went off to the store…
While there I picked up a few things.. mostly snacks for me and the boys…
We were having a conversation about blood type. And meg was getting a bit agitated ๐ฃ with my questions and suggestions about her knowing her kids blood type.. so much so that I had to cut off the conversation entirely and letting her know it’s only me that these things are so important to… I didn’t like her tone … and definitely did not want to upset her…
We got home.. it was still too early for anything.. I again told her I would love to take over the cooking so she would not have to stand up so long…
So we sat down.. she turns on the news… and me…( ๐คฆโโ๏ธ smh ..sigh) .. I decided to ask her about her comment about her second son living with his father…
It starts out very casually with her saying she would not allow it.. but she went on farther stating that John is envious of her son and his father..
I did not agree with her and so it became a discussion which spiral out of control on her part. She let me know that John is still having abandonment issues.. that he has been crying and been threatening suicide..
So I just said.. annoyingly..
” He is almost 40 years old… it’s time he gets over this shit”….
Oh my.. she got very belligerent and started to blame me for him going through all that emotional trauma …
I remain calm and asked her not to be so upset.. I tried to change my approach by admitting the fault and then tried to explain my reasons for and behind making that choice which affects him so badly ..
I started off saying…
“When we are young we as parents sometimes make choices with and for our children without ๏ฟผthe realization of how it may or will affect them…”
I continued with the explanation of why I left him behind…and To clarify and satisfy my story or excuses or explaination..I kinda finish by saying…(trying or hoping she would understand.. ) just like the the choice you made with your oldest son..
Ooh man.. she flew off the handle… and went into a raging fit.. saying that she has not abandoned her son.. because she didn’t leave him and come to another country…
I didn’t say anything about her abandoning her son .. but I only make matters worse when I say the distance doesn’t matter..
I had to stop talking because I was afraid of her getting into such a rage.. but she continued to spew out a whole heap of negative remarks about me.. including the fact that I mess up my son and leave her to pick up the pieces.. I just say ” ouch ๐ฃ ”
And..
“Oops ๐คญ๐ฌ”
And just walked away..
I was so hurt .. her words cut really deep.. because I had struggled with great guilt and remorse for years… I couldn’t go back and undo the damage I had cause my son….and I had suffered with him during the height of his first onset of deep depression… and I don’t see him with that emotions anymore.. so I was not believing it was still affecting him to the degree of how she wanted me to believe…. he had come along way.. and he has progressed so much.. I’m swell with pride sometimes just thinking of him and how he has grown.1
the tears was threatening to flow..I had to take a minute to calm down my emotions..and I started to cook as I promised… how could she be so mean…????!!!! If only she could know and realize just how much my decision and choice has hurt me in past… and how very much I regretted leaving him behind….
It was really like a slap ๐ to my face..
I really don’t see how our conversation could have reached to that point…but..
She’s pregnant and highly emotional..so I didn’t hold it against her… she was obviously ๐ on edge all morning… and I guess it didn’t take much to trigger off her reaction..
WELL ALL WEEKEND I HAD TO WORK AND I KINDA FORGET A LITTLE ABOUT HIM… BUT I WAS OFF MONDAY AND COULDN’T SLEEP AND A LITTLE BORED SO I DECIDED TO TRY TEXTING HIM….
โhey are out there? Itโs meโฆ. Wendyโฆ. Wanting some more laugh. Kinda like our conversation the other night. You got some to throw my way?
I got nothing so I leave it alone, it was 3am in the morning and I figure he must be sleeping. Next day Gail … my sister… rented a car and she and pick me up and we went shopping for rayโs birthday…her husband… when she took me home she invited me to stay over with her, so I went because we were planning on taking ray to lunch next day.
I still have this guy on my mind and I wanted to talk to him again, so about 9pm, I said to Paige Iโm going to text your boyfriend , see if he will respond, and so I did. โHey lover loverโ
And he answered, โhey pretty girlโ I was so pleased, and I smile
I said, โhey you are on tango, on the prowl tonight? Iโm off tonight & nothing much on TV so glad you are on[Symbol]. I got nothing back, so after 10 minutes. I sent another text, โno conversation tonightโฆ you are busyโฆ. Well Iโm here if you want toโฆโฆ..โ
I was a little bit disappointed but, thought he did not want to be bothered, so I leave it at that. At 10:29 he sent a text, โIโm only talking to tall thin hot chicks tonight!!!! Oh wait?!?!Hey thatโs you.โ
I light up and said to Paige, thatโs your boyfriend. So I said to him, โIโm the only one you need to talk to.โ
I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY PLAYING THIS GAME OF DECEPTION; PRETENDING TO BE MY NIECE PAIGE…I WAS HAVING FUN THINKING, WHAT DIFFERENCE WILL IT MAKE…
โHey I like the toedโฆ Kinda cute,โ
I told him thanks.
What are you doing? Donโt you have a job to work at till 4am? Ha-ha what do you do dig graves? He asks laughing.
Iโm off todayโ. I told him, โright again, I love digging graves.โ
โHa-ha! Iโm usually am.โ He stated. Ok so how old are you?
Oh shโฆt โฆ, I thought I canโt tell him the truth, what should I say? My phone battery was dying and so I told him, โhey loverโฆ.. My phone is dying and I am at my sisterโs house with no charger,โ
โOh no,โ he said
I know :(, I responded…
He then insisted, โage please Wendy, and then I have one more question.โ
I lied again, I told him 20s, then I say, โshoot โto the question.
Are those real!!! They are sure prettyโฆ beautifulโฆ. Teethโฆ I love a pretty smile.โ
I told him, โa thanks thanksthanks.โ [ thinking , he would never like me, he could never like me , feeling glad I did not admit it was me, because if I did I would not be having this conversation right now. What I would do for a little conversation with a cute guy, hide behind my beautiful little niece, just like I did in the picture, Silly silly me.]
Hey my pleasure! He said, โwell very kissableโ.
I then said,โ braces; wouldnโt mind too much,โ [I meant to be kissed by him; although I know itโs only in my dreams will that ever happen.]
And the sexy lips to go with it! Schwannnng,โ he stated.
โYou are kinda cute too,โ I told him. [And you know I meant that. I like this guy.]
Hey thanks pretty girl.โ
Thank you โฆ. I interjected.
He then starts by saying, โmaybe one day we can have dinner and by that I meanโฆ
I asked, โwhat?
He said something quite inappropriate and unexpected and way out of context…
He took me by surprise did not quite expect that and I did not really want all this sex talk I didnโt how to quite respond to all this, I love talking trash, everybody knows that, Iโm filthy as they come; but I did not want this guy to know that or think Iโm only talking to him for sex, and I didn’t want to entertain him; So I say to him, โyou got me there.โ
He sent a [Symbol] โฆ.. Perfect! I like winning!!!! Ha-haโ. He laughed.
I then said to him, โoh u naughty naughty man,โ
And so he continued, โand who isnโt happy when they Cumming right? Tada!!! Iโm your future happy!
I said, we will see.โ
He did not stop there, โoh did I forget to mention… and he again make some more silly comments on the subject…
I told him,โI think Iโll be scared to meet him”. And I meant it, I thought, oops, heโs all about sex; donโt know if I want this.
Then he asked, โwill you tell me your height and weight? I totally understand! You should be scared!! This place is full of idiots and creeps! Other than me[Symbol] ha-ha!!โ he laughed again
I ignore his question and told him that he sounded very intimidating, and yesโฆ creepy.
โOh you think, โhe said. Iโve been told thatโฆ. But I donโt see itโฆ Iโm confident but kindโฆโ
I only hope, I told him.
He says, only time will tell!!! Right.
I know it was time to cut off this conversation because I did not like the direction it was taking. So I told him, โanyways goodnight. Yes time will tell.
He then says, โif we ever meet it will be in a public place, so you could get up and walk away at any point if you werenโt comfortable. Now dream of me please[Symbol].โ
I started to say something to him but I changed my mind all I got was โsorry Iโ and I responded to his dream about me; I told him, โwill doโ.
Good night sexy girlโ.
I said to him in return, โ โฆ goodnight lover.
I was always weary of anybody online, I told myself I would never hookup with any guy online, and I still don’t think I will… this guy is cute but of a unsavory character and reputation..
I was left thinking aaaaw man, this guy is all about sex, I donโt know, if I really want to get in this with this guy, I just wanted some clean conversation without the dirt and filth. And itโs not like I am going to ever see him. Well I just have to forget about him, as cute and a funny as he is.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
I did not try to text again for all that week although he was constantly on my mind, but I told myself he was not what I wanted, I really just wanted a texting buddy to pass time and I was the one that pursued him. So let it be. And anyways he really likes Paige and she is not available, and I canโt tell him now thatโs itโs me; he wouldnโt want to talk to me.
I really donโt remember exactly why I decided to text him to let him know that Iโm going to stop, I really did not owe him an explanation but I did anyways, on Sunday night… the 15th… after work I came home and decided to send that fateful text.
I said, โhey lover, my aunt said you are easy on the eyes and hard on the heart. I think I am way over my head with you; you seem to be all about sex. And I donโt know how to be in a relationship with just sex. Iโm too inexperience andnaรฏve for you. You would only chew me up and spit me out. I like you โฆ those blue eyes and that pretty smile captivated me. Butโฆyou are right you are just too much for me to handle.โ I then went to sleep.
I was trying to sound young and inexperience, still playing the role of my niece…while I’m interjecting “the aunt’ knowledge and wisdom as me…. this is where I should also confess that it’s not paige but me… but, I was just too busy playing this game of deception.
I was awaken by his text Monday morning at 9: 21am; โwell Wendy I do sure appreciate your honesty. In reality Iโm not only about sex but just assumed everyone on here was and so Iโm way over the top with it. Iโm sorry that I confused you it was never my intention. Either way I sure you will meet someone you are more comfortable with and a have a great life. You seem fun funny and youโre beautiful Iโm sure you will meet someone you are more comfortable with. Take care sweet girl and thanks again for being so open and honest.โ
After reading his text, I was kind of surprise by what he said and I was very impressed to learn that he was not really all about sex. โฆ I should have left it alone, let it go at that, but not me, I liked him, something about him, I felt compelto talk to him; and I wanted to continue with the conversation; aaahh, donโt know how to leave well alone. And so I responded to him,
โIf this is the case and you are as sweet as you look and as charming as you soundโฆ.could I have the pleasure of conversing with you every now and then. I kind of feel and get a connection with you; blame it in on damnedest blue eyes and that smile of yours. And of course, your sense of humorโฆ.ok Allen โฆ. I like you. Is it ok for me to do so?
I canโt figure out why I was so drawn to him, why I did I liked him so much? Why didnโt I just let him be, why did I continue with this deception? Just for a little conversation. I canโt tell him now, if I do he will not talk to me, and I just want a little time with him; what a stupid, foolish thing for me to think. And again I missed out on the opportunity to come clean about my identity… this would have been the perfect time…
Anywaysโฆ.. He answered me.
โYes itโs ok. But I honestly understand if Iโm too much to handle! I liked our connection too. I promise to not come on so strong and I refuse to mess with your headโฆso I let you dictate how we move on forward and promise to be somewhat of a gentleman[Symbol]
Oh thank you thank you, I gladly said.
My pleasure, says he.
โLetโs see how it goes and where it takes me (us)โ I said to him,โ and BTW arenโt you supposed to be at work right now?โ
[If only I could have known the path that this conversation would lead to and known that all my deception would jump right at me and bite me in the ass. All the pain and sorrow that it would have cause, the anguish and agony it would left meโฆ.. If only I could have knownโฆ.]Playing a game of deception is never going to end good… I couldn’t see the future and couldn’t have known that the father I take this game the harder it’s going to be for me to tell the truth. And I’m actually old enough to know this… but i was so naive with my behavior…
Haha! Well I amโฆ kinda. I am self employed so I canโt get fired. He told me
โReallyโฆ. What exactly do you do and I never asked where are you, in what city? Iโm here in Orlando.โ
Iโm inDaytona and Iโm an architect. I have interest I have a few businessโฆthat’s why I fly. For work and sometimes for fun. So tell me about you please.
โAn architect and pilotโฆ..โ I said, โvery impressive, thatโs so cool, I always like architecture wish I was artistic enough to get in to the fieldโฆ now about meโฆโฆ.. Warning โฆ. I may be boring. I am in school working on my associates trying to figure out what to major in. my mom wants me to be a doctor; but I am not so sure what I want; weโll see. And I work second shift in a retail storeโฆ.. When I am not in school studying or at work; I love to cook and bake stuff or curl up with a good novel or watch a movie. Told you Iโm boring.
There I go… on with playing this deceiving game… and the bad part about it all … is, I play it so damn good… smiling… having fun… enjoying the conversation with this fascinating and intriguing guy… not thinking how wrong I am, playing this horrific trick on him…
the story doesn’t end here though… we talked all that day in the night way pass midnight… by the time we stop i was hooked and dug a hole so deep into deception… I had no way out…
I got up got something to eat. Clean up a little and all the time my mind was wondering to him; I was so drawn to him. I liked him; I really liked him and I was so excited to talk to him again; my heart was pounding against my chest with just thinking of him; there was a knot in my stomach with the anticipation of him, and I knew I had to do something about cutting off this because I was not Paige and itโs Paige that he really likes; but I want some more of him. He is so gorgeous, charming and amazing.
( this is a rerun forallmynewaudience.. howy’allenjoythislittlestory.. )
I have a grandson Ayden whom I see once a week, I usually talk to him on Skype during the week but john had lost his Skype account so he decided to get a different app instead, therefore for me to be able to talk to little Ayden I had to download the app.
So I ask Paige to help set it up; she is my teenage niece and a little more versatile than I am with these apps and things…. and seeing I donโt have much knowledge with this sort of thing, I ask her to… So she did and we decided to use a photo of us together seeing I did not have any better one of me. I never took a selfie before and I haven’t really take much pictures of myself… and photos don’t do me justice… Paige is a pretty little thing and a beautiful smile and she knows it; me, I love her she is the closest little niece I have.
Now, I never was on any of these social sites before. As a matter of fact I was not even aware that it wasโฆ so I keep getting hits and request for friendship all for Paige, I delete and block them all.
So, one night I came home from work… I work second shift and reached home every night apx. 1pm to 2pm… nothing much on TV,so I checked my phone and I saw a few messages , so I went on looking around, playing with it, I notice the feature โshake โ and I tried it. 24 faces pops up and I looked through them and in the lot I came across this face, he had blue eyes and a nice smile, no name, so I decided to send out a โ hi cuteyโ and of course he reply โ hi sexyโ I liked his face, my Kinda guy I thought, I have always liked blue eyes.
And so we start t a conversation; this was on December 6th, at 4am in the morning.
I reply. โHow do you know this?
He said, I know everything โAm I bothering you?โ
I came back with, โLOL NOโ
He laughed,โHa-ha! Ok maybe Iโm a bit silly! But hey itโs 4am in the morning
I smile thinking heโs right. So I asked,
โwhy no name?โ
He said, โoh sorryโฆ. My name is Allen. I forget I did that.
โHow come you are up?โ I asked, and I responded to hisname, โAllen, ok thatโs good.
Well Iโm about to go to sleep friend just leftโฆ wanted to see what kinds of crazy girls might be up this late hour looking for some cock?!?! Ha-ha was his reply.
I laughed, I thought that was funny, so I said in reply, โme too, going to sleep, not looking for no cock, have my toys they are good enough.โ
He said, โOh I seeโฆ well then you just havenโt had me then ๐
I laughed thinking this guy is hilarious; I like him he is fuuuny.
I sayโ just came in from workโ
He then says โIโm just playing โฆ…Iโm sure they can stay longer than me[Symbol]
I said, โsure canโ, all the time smiling, I was liking this guy and his sense of humor
Then he said, โalthough Iโm good for hours.โ
Me, โooooh reallyโ.
And he continued, โand I throbโฆ.damn… Iโm sure I canโt competeโฆโฆunless you want to be choked or something!!! Ha-ha.โ
So I said, โso said all men untilโ ….
Wellโฆ thatโs so true. Iโm sure, Said he.
I was all smiles, I was enjoying this little conversation and I had to tell him, so I said, โyou are so funny and sounds crazy and horny.โ
And he continued, โand so I will be honest and say that Iโve had girls that made wonder if I was gay, couldnโt get or stay hard.โ
I give out, โwhat!???…. This happen to a man like you?
Heโs still going, โand then I would meet a girl who could keep me up while I fell asleep after my fifth nut I swear!!
โIt happens I knowโ I said to him, [of course I know, being there done that ]
Then he says, โyup I swearโฆ. To me it is all a connection or not.โ
โThatโs rightโ I said.
He then said, โdol will either fuck up brains out or be that guy!!!! Ha-ha so wow… I am an under performer on paperโฆ. I canโt sell me for shit!
I did not quite get the gist but I figure he sounds like a player, someone who likes to have some fun. So I said to him, โyou sound like you have been around the block a few timesโ.
He laughed, โha ha! I have a small neighborhood! So my block is tiny. Ok so I said who I am โฆ.. Who am I talking to?
I responded to the tiny block conversation, I said. โso you need to move to a bigger neighborhood,โ oh you can call me Wakanita;โ how old are you Allenโ? I hope you are not a minorโโฆ. I was thinking maybe I am here flirting with a very young guy, and I did not want entertain or lead on any too of a young guy even though I am enjoying this little conversation.
He said, โgood godโ
I give out, โwhat?
He continues to say, โIโm 83 this month; that a Kinda old picture; OK Iโm just playing.โ
I said, โare you serious?โ
โI am 42โ, he then said.
I said, โoh good;โโฆโฆโฆ.. I was then thinking perfect age, I can flirt all I want, Wonderful.
He then finished by saying, โbut I look 52; so thatโs a plus; so you are Wendy?
Then he lost me again saying something I did not quite understand, โbecause truth I advertising sayโฆ.. I was closer than you.
I started to say something too and I started to delete it but send it by mistake, and I answered I said to him, โyes I am Wendyโ; you lost me though.
Then he went to inform me about his sexuality, โwell I have rather a large cockโฆ and I can fuck for hoursโฆand I have never met a woman who can wear me outโฆI like to have fun with someone who is fun and openโฆ. That is my only real deal.โ
I thought, oh boy, thatโs being open and honest for you, so I said, โoh I seeโฆ. You are just looking for some sex? Meโฆ.. I just want some conversation and some laughsโฆ..and you seems like you got some.โ He stops writing so I thought maybe he fell asleep, after all it was now 4:30am. So I asked, โwent to sleep.โ
And even though sex is my favorite topic and if I let loose right now I probably could have some laughs, and some fun… but I donโt much feel like entertaining this…I donโt want him to think I am after some cockโฆ
He then answered me, โwell maybeโฆ but I can understand that! It was fun chatting either way.โ
I thought he wanted to stop talking, so I told him, โwellAllen I have to get my beauty sleep.โ โSame hereโ.
He comes back with, โdamn! You must be super fucking hot! Beauty sleep started half a day ago! Oh well… Story of my life. Ha-ha!! Night.
I liked this guy, he is funny and humorous, I would love to talk to him again, he is good for some laugh; so I asked him, โis it ok to link up you another day?โ
He told me, โitโs up to youโฆ I for real donโt get on here muchโฆ I thought it was fake till we just had fun!
I thought, oh my, he also enjoy the conversation, โhahaโฆ funny funny funny.โ โI donโt either.โ
I was smiling feeling so pleased that he enjoyed our little conversation…
Then he says, โok so I hope you are the black girl in the pictureโฆJs.โโIโm waiting and smiling!!!
I thought, OMG!!!! Is he thinking I’m Paige… then it hit me!!!! Itโs Paige he likes; if I tell him itโs me, he might not want to talk to me, (next to Paige, I’m old and not as attractive) I wonโt hear from him again, and I want some more of this conversation, I like him, he is cute and funny…. I am going to play along because I wanted another chance to connect with him.
So I said, โblack girl? You think I am black? Are you back (black?)
I was trying to be srcastic… because I don’t consider us as black…. we are exotic..
He said, โno silly Iโm not black or back! I am Irish! Black hair blue eyes.โ
I interjected, โI like them white.โ โฆ was Kinda lame butโฆ. Then I said, Ooh my favorite cousin is Irish.โ โฆโฆ and there goes my first lie in pretense I was Paige.[ On the road to destruction.}
He then lost me again with, โJesus I thought we passes the politically correct time of 10pm.โ
I did not know wtf he was talking about.
Then he said really? Oh wait, that may be the donโt make a voice callโฆ. Damnโฆโ
I thought he was telling me he has to go so I told him, โsorry bye and goodnight.โ
He then said, โok so I have boundariesโฆ. But clearly they are loose! Oh damn I thought we were having fun? No? Okโฆ well Iโm sorry if I upset youโฆ. Not my intentionโฆ night bye.
I said, โhe is very hot-tempered too; heโs cool though; bye โฆ untilโฆ.
I ended our conversation because I was not quite understanding his statements; I keep on thinking he want to stop and then he says something else to continue and it was now almost 5am.
He said,โ now; wait was that an option? Hahaha; ok probably not! Dammit.Oh I love that this tells me you read it though!!!! But damnโฆ I feel super rude…So I am going to bed and stop being creepyโฆ night.
I read his messages and I went off to bed smiling, I did like and enjoy our little encounter and thought I will try again to talk to him. Just for conversation, he is rather amusing and I like that. I have never before done this, but it was fun even though he thinks I am Paige, but no harm done, he wonโt know the difference. I just want to talk to him again, I like his humor and he is cute with those captivating blue eyes and that winning smile.
So I told Paige all about him and how much he likes her, she said but auntie Wendy, itโs not me talking to him, itโs you, so he likes you not me.โ I told her itโs her picture he likes, he would not to talk to an old fart like me, and anyways what he doesnโt know wonโt hurt him, after all its just conversationโฆ.. Little did I knowโฆ.
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS VERY SEXUAL AND OVER THE TOP WITH IT… I ACTUALLY FIND HIM SO AMUSING AND THOUGHT IT FUN AND VERY ENTERTAINING … I DID DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP SMILING WITH A PICTURE OF HIS FACE IN MY MIND..
THAT WAS AS EASY AS THAT …TO PEEK MY INTEREST AND HAVING ME WANTING MORE CONVERSATION AND HAVE ME SMILING AND ANTICIPATING OUR NEXT CONNECTION. I’M GOING TO LEARN SOON ENOUGH, JUST HOW POWERFUL WORDS CAN BE AND HOW ONE CAN EASILY GET CAUGHTUP AND DRAWN INTO AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ONLINE… WITH JUST WORDS…
Maan… everyone treats me like the stepchild in my home… especially when it comes to the kitchen….
I cook.. and I have to do the dishes and pots and floors… I do allow this treatment to an extent because I realize that complaining or asking for help doesn’t actually have any effect…
But…
I do get so annoyed sometimes to the point of anger…and sometimes lash out verbally in a belligerent attitude…
And they will take heed and wash their own dishes for a day but it never lasted more than a day…
So I keep on acting the part of a live in maid.. consoling myself with the thought that….it’s my choice and it’s my kitchen so I have to keep it clean…
Some days I am so ambivalent… and cannot make up my mind about deciding how to deal with it all…
I go through my emotions quietly because I tend to get very aggressive and say things which causes a negative reaction…
I think of leaving for a while…
But I fear what would take place when I’m gone. I would come back to a messy house…I also know that I would not be completely comfortable anywhere else.. for too long…
So I needed a solution… and nothing is coming through to me..
And I only make matters worse when I took in my niece and nephew… they only add to my distress..
Because they just follow suit and I get stuck with additional work…
I get really flustered sometimes and a little frustrated… and I’m trying not to act petty with being vindictive like.. not cooking… or just leave the sink full of dirty dishes..
Nah… I couldn’t sleep if I know that the kitchen is untidy… and I would feel super guilty to know they are hungry….
I just can’t win for losing….
Guess only option is to continue being the stepchild in this home… and get on with my Cinderella role…๐โบ๏ธ๐
It’s so amazing how we think so very differently as we aged enough to experience the joy of being called grandma…
Maybe it’s the experience of age..
Maybe it’s just living to see your children having children…
Or maybe it’s the journey through life that leaves us with the changes and experiences that make us think differently and treat the grand offsprings with such differences compared to how we treated our own children…
I’m so happy to be able to be alive to experience the grandchildren I have now…
But…
I do realize that I have such a different attitude and approach with them than I ever had with their parents..
I show more patience …
More understanding….
More eagerness…
I reflect back sometimes and it makes me sad sad ๐ to remember how impatient I was…how much I lack understanding…
And just how apathetic I was…
Yet I know I have loved my kids… as much as any mother could… but.. I lack that interest to give my all…
We call it discipline .. we call it structure .. we call it teaching…
Yet just years later we forget why and how we did what we did.. and doesn’t apply it to our grandchildren….
We have a complete set of new rules and expect our kids to take our new found advice and abide by them… when dealing with their kids…
My son had to remind me of how I scolded him for some kind of behavior I was insisting that he doesn’t do when he was trying to discipline his baby…
And I tried so hard to justify my then actions.. so he could understand my now reasoning for not wanting him to apply such.. with his daughter…
Life really teaches us.. and it brings changes… of how we see everything…
I have to really restrain myself from interfering with his methods of discipline… and allow him to be the father to his daughter.. whether or not I approve or not…
I guess we all have different values we try to instill in our kids…every parent have their very own…and we just have to allow and respect each and every one to be the boss of their kids upbringing…
Just as I have learned along way… I think so will everyone else too…
So I will continue to enjoy my sweet and adorable grandbabies… when I do get the chance…
And leave my kids to their parenting skills… afterall … they are the boss of them…
We were doing well until about two months down the line.. you see Cory has his own preferences and likes… and he confided in me these things…
I indulge him when he first told me… we all have something we are into that’s our personal secrets..
So I understood this and let him go on about it.. I even encouraged him and give him room to express his feelings… I joked with him and entertained his habits even it was not something I particularly find joy in…
After a while when I realize that he chooses to share much too often these likes with photos…videos… or little jokes which tickles him …. but actually annoys me or as much as repulse me .. I asked him kindly not to share anymore with me because I don’t enjoy them …
He agrees but he continues to send them to me… so on this particular day he sent me some photos which he finds very interesting… and I guess amusing…
I said to him…
” Cory I Don’t find joy in these photos.. please stop sending me them”…
It was a text message…
Maan…. did he get upset…
He started to call me selfish and controlling….and claimed that he would never tell me to stop sending him photos even if he doesn’t like them..
He proceeded to call me ๐ค directly and we ended up in an heated argument … me being very belligerent and him criticizing my character.. trying to tell me how I am and how I like to control things.. I
I even reminded him of an incident where he did not like a inspirational video I sent because he had very different opinions and views about these kinds of videos….
We did have a discussion about it with me trying to convince him to see it through my eyes… and I had to end up accepting defeat and I promise him I will not share anymore of these kind of videos with him…
And I didn’t anymore…
I totally disagree with the fact that I am controlling and telling I own my right to choose what I like or don’t…
We were talking verbally and I’m very weak in conversation verbally… especially when I’m getting angry…
I ask him why is he attacking my character and why is he questioning my morals and dignity…
He continues to say how very selfish I am and how I am ; giving me all kinds of examples from our pass conversations…
So after I realize I’m here trying to justify my self and trying to explain too much to him .. just because I asked him not to send me those pics…
I hung up with him…
After I calm down a little.. I sent him a text asking him to let’s move past this topic seeing that we have established what I am and who I am…
He responded back .. agreeing to do so…
I did not hear from him the next few days.. he ignored all my text messages .. so I give a couple more days and send him another text…
I asked him if his lack of communication means that our friendship is over… he responded back that we have nothing to talk about unless I call him directly without the texting mode…
To be honest I was kinda annoyed with his attitude… so I told him I will call him another day…
And I told him I hope we can move on with our friendship as is .. and put all this stuff behind us…
He again tells me it’s just me trying to control everything and it’s only about what I want… he said he is not finished with our conversation as yet..
oooh boy!!!(sigh)…..
I just texted ok..
And stop …
After two days I decided to call him like he requested.. and it wasn’t long before we ended up back where we left off..I tried my best to explain and begging ๐ฅบ him to just drop it.. because I don’t see the sense in us arguing about a subject that has no relevance to what started the whole thing.. me asking him to stop sending me those pictures….
But he just wouldn’t let go.. and then he mentioned that he was not the only one that thinks I’m controlling…
Now this started a whole new argument…because I got really upset asking him who is The others… because there is no others in our circle…
So after a few minutes of debating on that and I came up with the conclusion that the other can only be ABBEY…. she is our only mutual connection… I ended our conversation again…
Of course this really did not go well with him…but I cannot have a reasonable discussion when I’m upset….
so I sent him another text message pleading with him to let get past this phase and move forward….
He was at all receptive to this suggestion because he said we have unfinished topics…
So I let another couple days go by before I attempt again to resume our communication… he also refused to connect with me…leaving me thinking that he was waiting on me to make the first move….
I really didn’t want us to end on this note or was I willing to give up on our friendship; and so I try to be the more mature one and make that attempt to resolve our differences…
However before I call I sent him a text stating that I really want to move beyond our dispute … asking him to let’s leave it where it is…
He somehow agrees and so I called…
The conversation started on a very good note…and we talked about other subjects until he decided he wanted to mention something pertaining to the past conversations..
I allowed him.. thinking I’m going to stay as calm as I can and try to see if I can answer his questions and move away from it..
But.. again it spiral out of control and he made comments that really irks me… and I couldn’t get him to change the subject so I abruptly hang up… i was very mad at him and myself for allowing him to get me to this point..
And so I send him this last text….
“I have had enough of your questioning of me..
I think itโs time for me to exit on this relationship we call friendship…
I canโt do this anymore..
You obviously canโt accept me as is and so you have the choice not to…
It was good while it lasted
Iโm just too old to be trying to explain myself and justify me to ya..
We were just friends…
Not enough for you to convict me and crucify me for being me…
Goodbye ๐ Cory.
I hate how you twist everything around to suit you
And contradicts yourself.
Just so you can pin me in a corner..
You
Just pushed me over the edge…
So you just killed me with everything we were….
You win
You successfully destroyed me.. and our friendship..”
I know I was very impulsive but I just had about enough of those irrelevant subject…
So I thought I would give him a break for us to forget all this nonsense…
I know my text sounded final.. but I’m hoping I can resume connection after some time have passed…
…… the first year went by with us enjoying conversing and sharing our lives together…
Both of us uses each other as someone to tell everything to without reservations knowing it’s just between us… we have no other connection to anyone in our circle…
OR….
This is how I view it and why I willingly confess to so much of my personal experiences… I speak freely of everyone.. my sisters ; my sons ; my friends.,..
I was thinking my feelings of distaste for them and my negative thoughts won’t cause no harm because they have no chance of ever knowing or hearing what I say or how I feel .. Cory isn’t a part of my immediate surroundings.. and some of these conversations is not for the people in question ears…. it not that it’s a secret or is it malicious in any way..
It’s just a matter of sparing feelings of hurt ๐ if told…
No one knows him.. and he knows no one…
so I vent and gripe my grievances to him freely and easily without guilt knowing it’s just between us..
We became so close ;we form a very strong bond that I even surprised myself of just how close we have grown….
And when I decided to help my ex friend abbey….
He was more than willing to help me with my campaign of helping abbey … because he saw how passionate I was to her cause…
I was very touched that he stood by me and decided to help me help her along.. I thought… only a true friend would do this kind of thing… and I admire him for it… and I hold him in very high esteem… his generosity was far and beyond…
And I was very flattered when he choose to prove his faithful friendship by doing something so out of the ordinary…
And when he sent me that voice mail I saw it as a act of loyalty to me…
I didn’t look at it.. in the sense of him deceiving her trust.. he was after all my friend…
What is two months compared to two years…???! So I didn’t hold it against him… as a matter of fact.. I thank him for letting me see her for who she was and how she actually view me as a friend…
He had some regrets after I ended my friendship with her… he didn’t anticipated me making that choice… I assured him he just opened my eyes to her true nature…
All those years I was thinking that we had a concrete bond of friendship… I just come to realize that I was just fooling myself…
Cory and I we talked for hours about it all.. me trying to understand how I never saw that side of her..Cory he just listened while I tried to make sense of it….
That the kind of friend he was.. after I think I got it all out and no more was left to be said… I asked him to not mention her name to me anymore and I will also refrain from talking about her too…
I figured they would still stay in contact and I didn’t want to have anything to do with their relationship….
and he agreed.. we continue with our friendship as is .. moving forward and beyond that episode..
But…
I never forget how he proves his faithfulness to me…
I first met Cory when he likes my stories I put out… he was in awe of my writing especially because they were non- fiction…
He quickly became one of my number one fan… and would always hold lengthy conversation with me with very positive comments…
I was going through a rough period in my personal life and I was in jeopardy of losing my home.. I decided to create a GoFundMe account to try to get some help from friends and relatives …
when I posted the GoFundMe campaign Cory was one of the very first to make a. Donation… so I thank him.. he had lots of questions…and because of its personal nature ..instead of discussing it publicly with him..
I decided to send him my personal email address..
We communicate this way for a while… he has lots of questions both about the GoFundMe campaign and about my stories.
I eagerly indulge him and answer all his questions without reservations…he was easy to talk to and not before long we exchanged phone numbers…
He was in Louisiana and I am in Florida.. our friendship begins to grow rapidly..
So we became close in a blaze of glory..(fast and hard)…
We became phonepals..and began to talk daily about everything and anything…
I eagerly shared my life stories with him both present and past… I thought he was a good confidant seeing that he was a neutral position…. he is not connected to anyone else in my surroundings..
I’m older than he is so he kinda used me for advice on his love life and some of his personal issues…
I obliged willingly and I was enjoying this connection and full of gratitude for his generosity as a friend.. I consider myself blessed… to have cross paths with him…
As the month past by he became a part of my daily life .:. He was so much so…. my son started to tease me about him …making little silly remarks such as ..
” mommy got herself a boyfriend… ๐ haha ๐คฃ ”
He used to call me to give me his agenda .for the day… share his work and social life with me on a daily basis ….
I always receive it quite pleasantly and enjoy the little chitchat….
We continue with this relationship for apx two years…
He became a important part of my life..he picked up a job out of state which pays him quite good… and he actually shared his wealth with me.. topping me up on many occasions… one month he gives me $500… to cover some shortages I have financially…
I felt very appreciative but it leaves me a little guilty.. and Cory didn’t think twice about helping me like this…
He is a very special guy.. and so I tried to keep him close..
However Cory possesses a few attitude that I find a little annoying..
Such as .. he likes to dig very deeply into everything… and he contradicts himself all the time… he also has a habit of using what I told him …..as a confidant or things I would gripe about.. personal stuff I would voluntarily tell him because I thought he was neutral in the situation …. and throw it back in my face to try win an argument..
He would also repeat things I have already told him and he wants me to go over again with the same story… he would also analyze everything and draw his own conclusions and try to convince me he is right about how he interpreted it…
…. he has proven right on a few occasions… and I would say it to him… but he always wanted me to see things in his way….
Sometimes I would try to be patronizing and agree with him… but when I refused to see it his way it would cause an argument…
he makes very poor choices in women..and his only interest is sexual.. he never had a serious relationship and his choices in mate is never girlfriend material…
What I love about him though..is…
He is always calm…never gets rattled no matter how irritated ๐ฃ and infuriated I get.. I would be shouting and getting boisterous … but he would never lose his composure or his cool… it is an characteristic trait I always admire and would loved to possess…
He has a very kind heart…and is very empathetic… and he is a very loyal friend…he is a good listener ( sometimes) he is always honest with me. And always tell me the truth about everything….
Cory isn’t perfect …and I had accept him for who he is and over the months of knowing him I grew to love him dearly…
Our friendship took off in a “A BLAZE OF GLORY “…..
She disappoint me with her response.. I wanted her just say to me…
“Wendy I don’t like that you are asking Cory for money for me…please don’t or please stop…”
Anything that will counteract her voice call to Cory… I would have understood her feelings knowing her as the friend she is…
So I really became upset thinking she really was trying to ruin my reputation and discredit me to Cory… without even giving me credit for trying to help her…I shook my head and made the only choice I think was appropriate…
Walk away from this friendship.. so I decided to send her another text.. I didn’t even want to talk to her..I was done …
”
“Well Abbs..
I guess it takes me almost 40 years to figure out that you are not truly for me…
Iโm very disappointed ๐ that this friendship was not as real to you as it was for me..
I really thought I was doing everything I can to help a friend in need..
and I centered my help around you…
And you go and discredit me to a dear friend .. a friend who was more than willing to help me help you…
Cory is somewhat of a special person… but Iโm afraid o
From where Iโm standing..
I see ingratitude..
I see false pride..
I see you donโt see All the effort I have been making to help you stay afloat ….
But I donโt need any recognition because I was doing it out of loyalty and as a friend…
I am withdrawing my friendship from you..
I really hoped life treats you well…Abbs
I never thought this how we would have ended our friendship..
But as things stand..
You ended it a long time ago…
And itโs so obvious that you really donโt want my interference in your life or do you need my help…
Goodbye abbey..”
She did respond with a lengthy text wanted to know if she has ever been kind to me.. and playing dumb to my accusations of her discrediting me..
And informing Me of her plans to get her finances in check…never acknowledging my efforts to be of help to her…She mentioned that she was not ungrateful but didn’t actually state for what… and she went on about how Independent she is and how she tries to do for herself…
I didn’t bother to respond to her… I just didn’t see the sense.. the forty years of friendship was not in question.. or was her character….it was all about what she said to Cory in that negative way… I didn’t want to go back in history.. and I didn’t feel like giving her my reassurance of how I hold her in his esteem because of her drive and willingness to do everything it takes to be a better person..
This was my ultimate reason for going to the extreme to try to help her get over this bump/ hurdle… I know she was capable of getting certified so she can be more flexible and versatile in the job market….
I want her to have choices and options…
I thought she understood this when I promised her to help get by until she finished with that course…
it takes just two minutes to completely destroy our lifelong friendship…and it really saddens me to know that she never appreciated all that I have tried to do for her..
And I have done so much over the years… don’t get me wrong..she has done for me too.. I could make a long list of all she did for me…because these are the reasons I value our friendship…and remain friends our the years…
And I thought it goes both ways… I always appreciate her and always was full of gratitude for being her friend…
It really hurt me to know that she didn’t quite feel the same way as I did…
So here goes…
My bestie… until proven not:…
All in all though…
what she did and say did not take away nothing from those forty years we had invested in being friends…
I still value and savor those years…it was a great friendship up until that moment..
It just comes the time to end…
I bid her farewell and wish her the best…
I know I did what I could. . She just mess it all up… without realizing what she really lost…
My son decided to go to West Virginia to be with his girl while she give birth to his baby… and during those months of him being there I didn’t have his financial help so I became a little short on extra cash..
So I slacked off with my monetary help.. Cory However help when he could..
Her course was coming up to the end.. but she was far from getting her certification… and I was still not able to be of much help..
Cory ask for her number said he would like to check in on her personally…and I gave it to him..
He called her and she asked me about his reasons for calling.. I told her he just wanted to say hi and informed her that he was he benefactor the last few months…
Cory used to inform me about their conversations..
But…
Abbey never mentioned Cory to me again since that first time.. I waited for her to tell me that they are connecting and communicating but as time goes on by.. nothing…
I didn’t feel like I should ask her because Cory was letting me know they were.. and I felt she probably had her reasons for not telling me… although I couldn’t but wondering about the secret.
About a week in communicating she hit him up for money..he couldn’t wait to tell me all disappointed that she proves to be like everyone else… using him as a cash cow..
I tried to explain to him that she was desperate and probably didn’t have any one left to ask… seeing that she probably exhausted all her options …
I encouraged him to give it to her if he can afford to.. and he agreed..said that he would.. I know she needed the help…
A month Or two passed and she lost her credit for phone calls… they were corresponding via “WHATSAPP “…and she had to purchase weekly credits… like a top up….so Cory asked me to call her and asked her how much it would cost to get her phone back on.. and also find out how much she needs to get her through the month…
I did ..but I tried to not let on that I know she was asking Cory for money… so I indirectly asked her without giving away what I know…
(I did call her the day before and asked her how she was getting along and asked her if she was getting help from anyone..)
We came up with an amount That seems reasonable and she was worried about if we were asking too much..
I assured her that I knows Cory’s position and have a good idea what he can afford… and even remind her that we are really good and close friends…
So I hang up with her and call Cory to tell him what we came up with…
He said it was okay and that he would let me have it that weekend for her..
So I texted her and give her the info and let her know I will definitely remind him.. she responded by saying thanks..
I woke up to a voice text from Cory..him apologizing to me telling me how he knows exactly how I’m feeling.. I got very curious and went straight to to voice message.. trying to figure out what he’s going on about…
Surprised..!!!! It was a recording of a phone call he got from her…. ouch!!!!
She was telling him that I was very wrong in doing what I’m doing..and that she never asked me to asked him for any money… stating that I do things like this all the time and even mentioned the GoFundMe episode..how it almost damaged our friendship… and she doesn’t like my behavior but don’t want to hurt my feelings…
I really didn’t know how to take it at first….
So I took some time to think about it.. I spoke to Cory ask him what he thinks… and if he thinks there was any validation in what she said… I decided to send her a text with the reminder to Cory like I had promised… hoping she would say to me what she said to him..
I just couldn’t believe she would make such statements against me without letting me know how she felt….So I want to give her that open opportunity to let me know that she doesn’t like what I’m doing…
So I texted her…..
“Hey Abbs..
Just talk to Cory and remind him of that money ๐ด he said he would send..
But heโs a a bit busy at work so he said he will get back with me on it later..
Just so you know…
Hope all is well with you…
MY FRIEND…”
Her reply….
“Thanks Wendy, appreciate it.”
Oooh maan..Nope she didn’t appreciate nothing.. she just tried to discredit me to MY Friend
I just couldn’t understand it… this is my best friend.. we share everything together… we talked about everything.. good bad and inbetween…
And Cory is my friend.. I introduced him to her… where is her loyalty…
I know Cory deceived her trust..but she doesn’t even know him well or long enough to call him a friend…
And Cory was very loyal and faithful to me and our friendship… all the wrong she believes I’m doing to her…it’s me trying to help her out financially…
What did I do so wrong..??!!!
In my eyes and in defense…the only crime I committed was trying too damn hard to do right by her…
I went as far as asking my friend to help me help her..
But..
I’m not in her shoes..I can’t see it from her point of view.. and how I wish I asked her why she was so secretive about her communication with Cory… it still puzzled me…
Abbey was my little sister best friend in high school… they were pretty close and were inseparable…
And so we get to know abbey, she became a frequent visitor in our home..and we all grown to accept her and love her…
Now she has had a really tough life… her mom died in child birth…and her father decided to give her to others to be raised..
She went back to her father when she started high school but he was very abusive and she became his caretaker…
So she decided to move out and live with someone else..
They In turn treated her very shabby and she played the Cinderella role..
when she finished school she decided to ask my father to allow her to stay with us for a while..
Because she wanted to get away from the life she was exposed to… she had enough and decided she wanted out of that life…
My father of course agreed.. she has become like a sister to us…
So she moved in..
My sister and I shared a bed and so she was put in the middle of us..about a month of her living with us..my sister started to treat her very unkindly… and one night They woke me up arguing about the sheet they share..
My sister was so mean to her..saying the most cruel things..telling her it’s not her sheet and to get her own..
I really was hurt by her sharp words… and I felt really sad for abbey… my sister was so inconsiderate and cold knowing abbey has no choice but to stay with us…
So I got up…
Went to my drawer and took one of my sheets and give to her… and told my sister she can now stop being so mean to abbey…
And so that ended their friendship and begins ours..
*********************
We remain friends for the next forty years… and during those times abbey proves her friendship and was very loyal.. and I was as faithful…
We both had our ups and down. I had my two boys .. abbey was always there…
Helping when she could.. we spent a lot of times together and was always doing everything together…
Abbey never had kids of her own though…she was always waiting for the right time and right guy…
in the early years I was not doing so well financially or career wise..
Abbey was holding down better jobs than I was and she would willingly help me out occasionally…
These little gestures.. I hold so dear and I was always full of gratitude…. she was always so eager to help me ever so willingly..
She became friends with this American gentleman at work…and he sublet her a room in his apartment… and so .. of course I would go over to her place and we all become friends together…
This gentleman he took a liking to me.. and so I ended up doing some work for him…typing… hence bringing us closer together…
he was on a job permit from the same company… and he wanted to leave that company but stay in Jamaica to work…
So he approached me and asked me to marry him so he can get to stay and pursue a job in Jamaica…
Of course I agreed…and this one decision has helped me to relocate to the USA ๐บ๐ธ two years later..
And with this opportunity I was able to make a life worth living.. and I became personally obligated to my friend abbey.. and vow that I would help her in every way I can; because if it wasn’t for her introduction to “FRANCIS”… I would not be able to accomplish everything I had..
And I tried to keep my promise as much as I could over the years…
I stayed in touch with her.. and I make sure she’s foremost in my thoughts and in my budget…that even my family makes fun of me… saying things like..she must be my lover that everything I have I give to her..
I just laugh it off… because I know it’s my sense of personal obligation.. I owe her that much…
Life has not been too kind to her…it always is a big struggle for her.. and it’s not because it’s lack of trying…
But…
Opportunities was not available to her and she has had a lot of setback.. a fire destroyed everything she owned at one time… they laid her off her job another time…
Every time she gets over an hurdle something else happens… and…
Being in Jamaica … it’s never easy to get back on track.. this is where I come in and try my darnest to be of help….
And so we have had 40 years of great friendship without one argument or disagreement….
…….But then everything changes when she tells me that she is going to leave baby with her mom for approximately two weeks in West Virginia without her or dad around……..
I immediately exclaimed…”no !!!!! Don’t do that…she will not do well without you or dad around… she will fret on you guys.. stop eating.. be depressed ..and she might get sick..”
Her explanation is that she promised her mom already..
I argued that this baby is not a puss kitten and she can change her mind if she wants and thinks it’s not in the best interest of her baby…
I beg my son to try to convince her and ask her not to leave his baby behind.. but he let me know it her choice as if he has no say in his baby’s well being..
I was very upset about her decision and I grow very angry because I was helpless in this situation… I keep thinking of my little malanni (granddaughter) crying for her mom and dad and how she would feel when she don’t see them around…
She was leaving in a couple of days and during those days all I talked about and gripe about is her leaving that baby behind…
I asked her on numerous occasions … please reconsider and don’t leave her behind ..
I think she feels as if I am being selfish and trying to keep mallani away from her mom…
But.. that was not my main concern..
Although the truth be told.. I didn’t fully trust her mom to be a good caretaker..
For one..
She is a smoker…a heavy smoker… not so good for little malanni and her lungs…
Two…
She is as lazy and messy as her daughter or more… this is where her daughter figured and learned…it’s the norm to live in a mess…
I’m not saying I’m better…At taking care of her…
But I have big doubts about her being responsible enough to make sure my granddaughter is properly taken care of..
But with all this knowledge…this was not my primary concern about her leaving the baby behind…
I’m so worried about the emotional impact it’s going to have on little malanni.. she’s old enough to know her parents and old enough to want them around for her comfort…
(How can a mother.. no matter how young she maybe…separate herself from her baby this way….how can she be so insensitive and cruel and so eager to leave her baby so far away just so she can have the freedom with no responsibility…??????!!!!! I can not comprehend her choice without any signs of remorse…?????)
The separation is not going to be good for little malanni…
After she leaves for West Virginia … I tried to talk to me son .. trying to convince him that again to ask her to reconsider her decision and to let her know that he is totally against being away from his baby for so long…
But…
He again asked me to stop interfering in his and his girls life…and that it is “NONE OF MY BUSINESS “…
I was really hurt by his comments…but I walked away without another word…
I’m having such a hard time dealing with this… I go to sleep and have nightmares about my granddaughter.. I get anxiety attacks thinking about her crying …wanting her mom and dad… I can hear her crying sometimes…it’s just my imagination but that’s how much it’s affecting me…and its even worse that I’m restricted from talking about it to them…
So I made a very conscious decision that I’m completely done with her and her baby…
I have decided to stay away from my granddaughter ..give up my duties as a nanny… stop with everything that I have been trying to do to help…
I really hope I can stick with this decision I have made when she gets back.. but for now.. I’m done…
I know it will seem as if I’m just mad because I couldn’t get my way…and that may hold some truth to it…and I reflect back to movies I have seen where these grandparents fights their children for their grandchildren…
And now I have a greater understanding as to why they would want to do this….it’s so hard to stand back and watch the mistreatment of these innocent babies without trying to step in …
I have talked and gripe to friends about the whole thing and tell them my decision…
And I have been met with a lot of opposition telling me she has done nothing wrong and that I’m over reacting to something that I really have no say in..
And I totally agreed..
But I’m strongly convicted to my choice.. and although no one shares my decision…it’s mine to make…
An yes I’m making a big deal out of it.. a case which I have no power of authority…
They shut me out and shut me up..and expect me to be eager to be of use only when they require me to be….
They are right… she is actually none of my business…
And I’m going to make her just that… I’m throwing a tantrum and I’m acting silly…
But I strongly believe what I’m doing and I have decided is the best for me..
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