MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: MAKE BELIEVE WORLD….

EVERYTHING REAL…

It’s so easy to create a world of make believe to suit your situation…. the heart tend to give the impression that love can conquer and break down every barrier…

It pushes those endorphins through every vain of you body deriving from that rush of adrenaline you get from your bond of connection…

Every emotions you feel… every desire you get… seems so real.. enough so you believe it… and the distance between you closes in… so much you can feel their touch… and all of a sudden your make believe world is created….

MAKE BELIEVE WORLD

Getting emotionally invested.. and getting your heart entangled with someone you will never know… is not recommended….

Because even though you think it’s All innocent and no real harm is committed…when you are pushed out or pushed aside… to make room for someone new.. it still hurts in the same capacity as it was real…

It’s not innocent then…because you become so hurt… you know it’s harmful to those emotionally involved….

Losing their attention and their interest.. is devastating… and so unbelievably surreal … as much as you know that this relationship was never going to materialize.. the emotional investment makes it so hard to willingly walk away….

Getting used to to connect every day allow it to become unbearable not having this privilege anymore…. you form this remarkably affinity…and even though it’s a waste of energy to get all emotional about something way out of your control…

It does have this effect on you… you automatically have uncertainties… follows by doubts… and fear of losing your best friend..

The question is … do you still exercise explicit trust…continue to share… maintain communication… CHANGE NOTHING… and hopes NOTHING CHANGES…

Hope the the bond you created is strong enough to withstand.. the pressure of someone new.. ..

But how much can your heart takes.. will you able to pretend that it’s all good…and ignore the lack of interest and the lack of attention… while secretly being patient with the hope that it wears off soon and he will come back around to you….???

Give them space.. free them up to enjoy their newfound interest… if he really likes you.. he won’t stop.. he is just a little distracted right now with the splendor of the newness… but not everything that glitters is gold…

And if it is meant to be.. if all those memorable moments are special… they might miss you if you give them the space to do so…

It takes a Patient man to ride a donkey… without trust and understanding.. their is no relationship…

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LIVING IN FANTASY…

WORLDS APART… WHEN TWO WORLDS COLLIDE..

There is a kind of thrill… that comes with intriguement …mixed with a surge of excitement.. when you connect with someone from around the globe…

You get to learn so much.. from their language..to their culture.. their historical facts.. first handed… and then you learn everything there is about that one person you are connecting with…

No matter the platform of communicating.. in the beginning.. it fun to talk and learn… the more you connect the more you know each other as is… you figured out there personality and sometimes you find you have this strong connection…

And if you fall for someone’s personality… then you definitely fall for them.. looks is never important when you like someone for their personality..

But…

What destiny was it that pull you together… and make your world collided…how did you happen to cross paths… that allows such a beautiful connection…

Of course it’s not everyone you meet this way… is going to have this results or affects you in the same way…

But…

On rare occasion someone finds this connection.. and over time . It is proven that words and sharing.. is a powerful magnet… and before you know it.. you are emotionally invested… with someone you don’t even know on a personal level….

And when the heart chooses to get involved… it becomes a huge challenge emotionally…. and here is where the fantasy world begins….

How do you stay logical and practical.. and realistic…

Especially if there is no hope of a real relationship to materialize… yet letting go or walking away is not an option… because just the thought of stopping communication and breaking connection causes excruciating pain.. and you know it would be devastating….

How long is this fantasy gonna last before one of the party losses interest…

We get so caught up living in our fantasy world.. that we begin to believe in it… we tried to hold on to it like a lifeline… so blinded to the true fact of the matter… that none of this is real unless you both decided to make it so..

No relationship can survive in fantasy land… yes two words can collide.. and you experience serendipity…

But ..

Unless you both make it real by Uniting.. be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before this fantasy world collapses. And crumbles…

HEART CRUMBLING…

Leaving you with only memories of yesterday… wondering what happened to the love you knew…. a connection based on fantasy will never survived…

That broken heart 💔 is very real though… it comes with intensity…. and you are crushed just the same… your heart doesn’t know distances… the love you feel is real and genuine…

LOST LOVE 💕

So you just have to remain realistic… be practical… and exercise some logics… don’t go expecting the impossible… when it’s way beyond your control…

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LOVING 🥰 FROM AFAR…

TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING….

LOST LOVE 💕

I know three minutes is long but please watch and give me your honest review…

• Stupid
• Immature
• Obsessive
• Foolish love
• Overreacting
• Mushy
• Plain crazy

I’m very open to criticism.. you won’t offend me…

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 7

A STORY OF PLAYING THE COUGAR WITH A VERY UNEXPECTED TURN… ##########################################

I WILL LOVE YOU 😍 ALWAYS…..

I went through the next few weeks like a zombie. Missing MYLOVE-LOVE. Work hold no appeal and no joy for me anymore… my days were empty..I didn’t realize until then just how much him being there daily hugely impacted my attitude…

There was no sunshine … everything seems dim… I went though my emotions quietly… I would be in a daze sometimes looking off in space visualizing him being there.. reflecting on the last months .. remembering how my eyes could find him anywhere he was.. and how my heart would flutter at the sight of him… putting a bright smile on my face which leaves me gleaming with joy…

These last weeks has been long as I suffer in silence… he was a main subject of conversation.. everyone has something to say about him .. I would mostly just listen… I found out that he has been talking to Veronica.. she even boastingly said that she was the first person he called.. he seems to have spoken to everyone else too….

I was so crushed to know that he didn’t value me enough to even answer my text messages .. he doesn’t even acknowledge me… and I question this…why have he shut me out..??? Why am I Not important enough to him????.. Why was it ok to talk to everyone else and not me? After all the times we spent together and the intimate moments we shared.. I thought we were close enough fo me to deserve some acknowledgement….I thought we were at least friends…

It hurts to be ignored…

I received a small text from the second week… “what’s up stranger???!!”.. ..

I was so delighted to see that text from him.. I sent him a reply asking him if he’s okay.. and inquire what’s been going on with him… but to my great disappointment he never continued the conversation…

I started to come with terms that I’m never going to see him again… I was still missing him something awful… and although I felt I wasn’t ready to let him go.. I decided to accept my fate…. it saddens me to know that I meant zero to him.. and all those nights spent together in the most intimate ways….meant absolutely nothing…

His oldest daughter had an up coming birthday and I had purchased some little Knicknacks for her… I thought … I still would love to get them to her…

I tried to contact him to let him know and asked him via text messages… to come and get them… he did not respond immediately but I got a text from him later on …letting me know that he wants them and he will come to pick them up…

He never did..

A couple days later, I tried to call him to find out when is he coming to get the gifts.. . As much as I wanted to talk to him… I had lost interest because of his cold behavior… he answered.. then hung up suddenly… I couldn’t believe he did that.. I told myself…

“ that’s it.. I’m done.. with him …”

He was so cold and so mean and I was so hurt thinking I didn’t mean much to him for him to ignore me and refuses to talk to me.. He tries to call me later that day, I did not answer… I was still upset with him hanging up on me.. And then he sent me a text that…

Letting me know that his phone died.. and that was the reason the phone call ended.. I did not believe his lame excuse… so I did not respond to him…

I decided to give up trying to contact him… seeing that he obviously not interested to hear from me… I decided to get in touch with one of his buddies to ask to be an intermediary and get the gifts to him..

This friend… David came.. collect the gifts I had and promised to pass it on to him…. I went ahead to send him a text… informing him that I gave the gifts to David and he should collect them…

He answered me to let me know that him and David were no longer friends… oops… David did not disclose this information to me… I apologized.. and I called David to return the items… I just thought his daughter won’t get her birthday presents in this case..

A few days later MYLOVELOVE Calls me … I was a little surprised to hear from him…I answered .. he started off the conversation asking me why I didn’t just gave the gifts to Veronica.. I became very belligerent . I was very upset that he even considered this possibility…

I just tell him that .. not to worry about the damn gifts.. and him and Veronica can go to hell and hang up on him…. I was so mad.. what was he thinking…!??? I was hurt too to know that he’s still seeing her…and he couldn’t even talk to me on the phone….

Shouldn’t he know how I feel for him? Was he so blind to my feelings…. I was so hurt and so upset That day it brought tears to my eyes… .

I was thinking, how could I mean so little to him, Even though we could not be in a true relationship…I thought at the least we were friends.. How wrong I was to even think this was possible..

my emotions for him was still very strong and way more than I would care to admit… I decided not to text or call anymore and to just Leave him, be…. . I’m still missing him but it doesn’t make sense wanting someone who doesn’t return your feeling… so I will try to put him out of my mind and heart…

***************+++++++***************

TO BE CONTINUED…

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE: GAINING ONE’S FAVOR…

…. coming home from my church group one Saturday evening.. I met this guy on the bus..he was really nice and we really connected.. so before my stop he invited me to the movies and I accepted…

So the Saturday we had our date.. of course we took the bus..

Can’t recall if I had told anyone about this date but when he came to pick me up.. of course … all knew… I fully enjoyed his company and he kindly dropped me off home..

I waited with him to get the next bus.. and while we were waiting he asked me if I mind him kissing me…of course I was very bashful..

But I told him yes.. and there goes my first kiss..

Well next morning was church so I got got ready and go ask my stepmom for bus fare.. SMH 🤦‍♀️….

My stepmom turned to me quite angrily and told me that I should go and ask the man I went out with last night… I mumbled something under my breath in defense… walking away from her… pouting..

I break the news of my decision to join the nunnery to my dad… and for the first time my dad sit me down and talk to me..

We sat there for almost two hours.. he lectured me on the cons of being a nun and let me know by all means that he doesn’t approve of me making the choice to become a nun..

One of his reasons were.. it was a waste of life… he promised me if I changed my mind which he strongly recommended.. that he would pay for any school of my choice…

I really loved my dad.. and I always yearn for his approval and I want to please him so much that I agreed and told him that I will follow his suggestions.. he really thought my decision was based on me being home and became bored…

So next day I set out to find me a school.. I didn’t have a clue.. but I chose one and he lived up to his promise and pay for my enrollment…

Well my life took off on another journey…

I met this man became intimately involved.. and over the next few years… I started to spiral out of control.. of course I was alone in my world.. my stepmom still treats me with so much indifference and ignored me more than not..

Whenever she address for whatever reason.. it was always in a negative way.. very unkind and very mean… I have learnt to ignore her as well.. she and my older sister became inseparable.. my little sister.. I didn’t have clue what she was doing…

I was home when I went in labor.. it was 11 at night… my father took me to the hospital.. but didn’t stay… I was alone.. my baby father was not in my life then.. so he was not aware of me having the baby…

I continued to do things without the interference of anyone.. and only my dad would sometimes observe my behavior and would call me and asked me adjust my attitude …

I got pregnant with my oldest son.. at 23…I lived with my husband up to seven months then moved back home…

It took me 24 hours in labor before my son was born.. and the last hour my stepmom decided to come be with me… she was there for his birth..

I got back together with my husband after I had our son… but he was American and after a year and a half he decided to come back home.. leaving us behind…

I was very hurt 😞 and I had to find work to maintain my baby… surprisingly my stepmom offers to babysit fo me while I go to work… I was very appreciative but somehow lacking in showing it..

I ended up working three jobs… leaving early in the morning.. and coming home late at nights.. I took much disadvantage of my stepmom and of my dad’s kindness…I did abuse them…

My stepmom however never complained about my absence.. my dad however mentioned it a few times letting me know that I need to spend some time with my son…

Back then.. I defended my actions.. with reassurance that he is well taken care of..

( sometimes I wish I could turn back time…and be more attentive to my baby… I just couldn’t see the damage it was causing my son)

So I started to appreciate her for doing this for me… she didn’t have to… although our relationship did not improve much.. she would negative comments about my parenting… but never sit me down and advise me how to improve and be a better mom…

( looking back.. I really think she wanted me to fail…she wanted to prove that I was not capable or responsible enough to be a mom)

This went on for the next three years when we lost my dad to an heart attack…

He was the glue that holds our family together and with his sudden death.. we all fell apart…

It has a very huge impact on me.. I lost one whole year.. I went through it in a daze.. and I can’t remember one single event in that year.. it’s a complete blank..

He died November 1991.. and next thing I remember was 1993….

….TO BE CONTINUED…..

The next era of my existence…

Through The Eyes Of An Old Man:

This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…

After he died;

Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:

SEE ME:

What do you see nurses? What do you see?

What are you thinking, when you look at me?

A cranky old man, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.

And forever is losing… a sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open you eyes, nurse. You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now, a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.

A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other, with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me, to see that I don’t mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play ’round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years, and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man, and nature is cruel,

It’s jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,

And now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living, life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see:

Not a cranky old man,

Look closer, see ME!”

Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesn’t see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesn’t cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE: … GAINING ONE’S FAVOR…..

AGE 12 to 18

ALONE IN MY WORLD….

I was 12 years old when she decided to include me on the family trip to her home town… I have long decided I don’t ever wanted to go anymore.. I have cried and anguish for the past three years… for always getting left behind…

I hold out and I would not leave the house and get into that car…she tried to convince one more time…. but I refuse to budge or change my my mind… I said I will stay with grandma.. but dad was present so as much as she was annoyed she dared not abuse me in front of him…

She just walked outside and tell him to go get me because Im refusing to get in the car… my dad came in and sternly tell me to get in the car now..

I begged him to let me stay with my grandma… because I didn’t want to go… he again… very aggressively say…” get your ass in that car now and stop with your nonsense “…. and with that tone …I reluctantly get up and get into the car..

Of course I was placed in the middle.. and I sat there sobbing.. he turned around annoyingly and tell me to shut up with that crying…of course I tried.. because we all feared my dad…

My sisters started to jeered me .. and I angrily lashed out at them with one of my cuss words.. of course my stepmom reacted to this and turned to me and said.. you better not take that with you … she gives me a very angry look but didn’t say much more because of she didn’t want my dad to know exactly how badly she mistreats me..

(But.. she was not fooling him by a long shot… he knew… he always knew… but I wouldn’t have realized this until a few years later… when he address her attitude towards me… and ask her to just stop with always picking on me for everything..)

I was one sad and unhappy girl all the way there… and when we reached I again refused to get out of the car.. my dad threatened me with a whooping if I didn’t stop with my attitude.. I started to cry again…

Everyone filtered into the house leaving me in the car sobbing my eyes out… and then this man walks up to the door and said..

“ hey pretty girl.. why are out here crying 😭… and who are you…???!!! Come on inside pretty girl .. it’s alright…”

And surprisingly I stop sobbing.. I smiled.. and I got out and went with him… he calls me pretty…. and it felt so good.. someone thinks I’m pretty….just a little kindness.. just a little gentleness… that’s all it took…and all of a sudden …..I found me a friend.. I was in love 🥰…

….(the next few years because of that one gesture that gentleman.. my stepmom brother… became my most favorite person.. I built up an unhealthy crush on him… my dad observed and noticed it… and intervened a few times when he noticed that I was drawn to this man for all the wrong reasons….. this feeling I had for him was encouraged by him… and lingers on till the day he dies… my stepmom never even realize what was happening right under her nose…because she didn’t even see me.. only time I was ever noticed by her is when I was a nuisance the her and she was chewing me out for being so damn retarded…

I was in my teens when her dad and mom decided to relocate back home… from England…

We were sitting in the living room awaiting their arrival from the airport.. they walked in.. and she started to introduce us children… it was the first Time her mom and dad was meeting us…

When she pointed in my direction and say my name.. her mom immediately replied… “I never heard of this one before… so you have three stepchildren not two…” I then realized that she was so ashamed to even acknowledge me as her stepdaughter that she has hidden me from her family…

I can never remember a kind word from her during my teenage years..when I was fifteen..and my little sister.. she was nine… she was my stepmom first child.. only daughter… she was a beautiful girl…and we were close for a long time… but.. one morning we were getting ready to go to school…

And somehow we developed a tiff .. can’t recall what happened.. or what it was we were fighting for..

But…

This argument led to to tell me that her mom.. says.. that she is better than us.. ( four girls)…. she is prettier.. brighter… smarter… ect. Ect..ect..

So I just let her know that if that’s the case.. then I don’t have to talk to her ever again… and that is just what I did … over the next six years till the day she lost her life at age 16…. I never uttered one word to her…. I was 21 and moved out of the house by then..

During those years though I found myself in a state of solitude and secluded myself by writing ✍️ my diary 📔 or getting lost in novels.. and books… or listening to country music…

I was so quiet .. I never had nothing to say…everyone was happy to just ignore me and shut me out… I silently went through my emotions always seeking out the company of my step uncle… I had no friends…I didn’t know how to socialize… I lacked confidence.. I lacked self esteem….

I hated myself.. I hated my life.. I hated the world… I was so sad.. very unhappy.. I sunk into depression…and I continued on this pathetic self pitied attitude until I was eighteen… and reading one day I came across this article that states… only you can make you happy.. .. only you can choose to be… only you can can be responsible for your happiness….

No one can hurt your feelings unless you allow them to…you are in Control of your emotions… and a few more inspirational thoughts… I then started to collect these quotes and live by them…

And these words uplifted me and I started to grow from them….. I was in world of my own.. I totally shut out everyone… I used to go off to secluded areas.. to write and express my feelings… and not one of them ever misses me out of the house… I was like completely invisible… which was fine with me…

I finished school… I didn’t do too well mainly because I couldn’t write so well… I learned later on that my writing was affected by my attitude and my insecurities…

My dad looks at the results of my exams and when he observed all the D’s… remarks..

“ D is for dunce “….

This hurts me so badly that I cried so hard…again feeling sorry for myself.. that I can never please him..

For the next year I stayed home my only outlet was church.. and books.. we used to have this church club which I was a member… I used to attend retreats and everything offers… it became my way out of the house and to be amongst people who seems to like me…

I was so into it that I decided I wanted to become a nun…

TO BE CONTINUED…..

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE…. GAINING ONE’S FAVOR….

This story is of a sensitive nature… it’s of a very personal perspective and although not intended to offend… the intended participants and the source of this episode of my life… will definitely be affected and it will cause animosity and tensions to our relationship…

This episode of my life is told as seen through my eyes… and may not be received or be accepted as the truth by the intended source of sorrow and total anguish … both mental and physical…

But …

As much as I know it will trudged up feelings of negativity and May severed our connection .. and causes hurt 😔 feelings..

I feel I need to tell my story and get out all this bottled up emotions… relating to how I keep trying as long as I remembered … to win her likes.. to have her starting to accept me… to gain some favor from her..

And so the story begins…

AGE 9 to 12

NEW BEGINNINGS …

….. A SAD 😔 END.

I was only nine years old when my mom died.. I have an older sister of one and a half years… and a younger sister of three years in between…

We were much too young to understand the reasons and we didn’t have much questions… our father wasn’t a presence in our home..

He has moved on years before and lived with another woman.. I know because I would hear my mom crying 😢 night after night..

And I would observe and listen as mom would tell and relate her story to anyone who would be willing to listen… and as young as I was …I was very sensitive to her sorrows and woes… I never knew her but I sure built up this great resentment for the woman who causes my mom to cry…

My mom was admitted in the hospital a couple of weeks before she actually died.. and my grandma 👵 ( my father’s mom) and my youngest aunt came over to babysit us while she was away…

My aunt was a year younger than me so I got a playmate… it was a Sunday morning when mom decided to say goodbye to this world…

My older sister went to see her and my aunt and me decided to go visit this nearby church… we were in the middle of the service when someone came and pulled us out.. thus breaking the news to us…

I can’t remember my exact reaction… I don’t think I even fully understood what was happening.. until a long time after..

My mom’s sister and brother was there.. and even her mom… They asked if they could take me along with them and I was more than willing to go… my grandma took my two sisters with her back to her home which my dad shared….

I spent the next week with my uncle and my other grandma.. until my dad sent my sister to fetch me…

How I cried and pleaded to stay with my grandma 👵… but my father would not allow it… and so I was forced to leave with my sister … I cried all the way home to my fathers house…

I just didn’t want to go live with the woman 👩 who made my mom died..( I got this from my uncle and aunt and my other grandma…). I was convinced it was true and I hated her without even knowing her..

And so this started the strain relationship between us… But….one look at me and the feeling was mutual.. she couldn’t stand the sight of me.. I was a very puny… skinny… awful looking child.. I stuttered.. I was clumsy… I was awkward….and most of all I was very defensive… and uses cuss words as a defensive mechanism to ward off everyone who tries to tease me or make fun at me…

Which was my life existence thus far… and causes me to retract into a shell or a cocoon… trying to hide and resist every attempt made on me… I was just overly sensitive and could never see the humor in any of it .. which makes them more eager to poke fun at me…

Her distaste for me comes out In her being mean to me.. she lacks patient when it comes to me… she uses every opportunity to treat me with indifference.. and to make matters worse… I was bed wetter… Ooh 😮 how this Erks her and give all the more excuse to scold me… with the most awful words…

Everything I do was always wrong in her eyes.. I could never seems to please her… she expects the worst and I always seems to deliver and live up to her expectations… I used fumble a lot mostly because of nervousness.. Maybe I was just scared of being screamed at…or I was just trying so hard to get it right… and of course I was always a klutz.. so the more I tried the worse I was..

I came to her …disliking her.. and resenting her for losing my mom… but as a child you don’t hang on to the same feelings for too long…

So ….. after a while I tend to lose that feeling and replace it with the longing for affection.. I miss my mom something fierce.. and I long to feel loved again… especially when I observed how she dotes and loved on her biological babies ..

And sometimes I would try to hug on to her … but she pushes me away with such force as if she finds me repulsive… (which she actually did) after a few more attempts with the same results , I felt hurt by her unkind rejection… so I stopped… realizing that she doesn’t want me to touch her or be close to her….

….(you know as a child.. you can’t comprehend the actions of adults and analyze their attitude and their reasons for doing what they do…here I was trying to get her to like me… not fully understanding her reasons for not liking me as she does my other siblings….)

The next three years was a challenge for me… I felt so alone.. my sisters completely ignored me… they tease me.. laugh at me… poke fun at me… and leave me out of everything.. I was never included in anything… I just couldn’t fit in no matter how I tried to…

I was always left behind.. or left out.. and as much as I beg to be apart of whatever they were doing.. the answer was always nooo!!!!!

My stepmom was from another parish and all her family was there… holidays like summer.. Christmas.. she would visit… and she would take everyone including my little aunt all except me.. those first three years.. how I begged and begged to go with them..

I would cry my little eyes out not fully comprehending the reason she never includes me… my little mind have so many thoughts.. most of which I felt so unloved… so unwanted… so alone.. and I hate the world and everyone in it even my father who never said a thing.. but just allow this treatment towards me…

I became more bitter.. more angry… more distant.. I completely withdrew.. I stop talking… I stayed by myself..

I got even more vulgar with my cussing.. I would adamantly refuses all contacts verbally… which of course always result in scolding and whopping… I would only cry and do it for the worst…

….(ooh man when we are a child we don’t realize how our retaliation only results in affecting us for the worst or that we are only hurting ourselves….)

Because of her treatment towards me … my attitude and behavior only escalated… which results in giving her valid reasons for treating me the way she does… and maan did she takes such joy in mistreating me … I was never included in anything or go anywhere with her…

Her one and only excuse is that… I have a filthy mouth and she doesn’t want to be embarrassed… but… her real reason for being embarrassed is how I looked and how retarded I was… (this is how she always sees me)…..

…..( my father also always sees me as an invalid and was overly protective thinking I wasn’t able to do anything…and I guess would agree that I was somewhat of a retard… I was sick as a baby and I didn’t walk until I was about three... I was always unsteady on my feet.. causing me to fall lot.. I lacked motor skills coordination. Thus causing my clumsiness and awkwardness…)

If only she had stop to realize that it was just me putting a wall up in defense for being totally rejected by everyone…. especially her..

If and when she has to address me.. especially when dad is not around… she was very aggressive and so so impatient.. if I didn’t come fast enough or answer quickly enough.. she would always be so mean…

Only you.. her favorite line… “ it can only be you…” I couldn’t never do or say anything right in her eyes… I was never a big eater and I was very skinny…

She would get so so mad at me for not eating everything on my plate.. “ look at you???!!”… she’d say.. you let people think I am not feeding you and that you live far from the kitchen…

How I miss my mom… why did she have to die??!!! Why am I so unlovable… why am I so ugly.. and weak…??!!! Why can’t she love me too!!!!

I just never realized that I was self destructive with my attitude… with my bitterness.. with my hatred.. with my anger…

I was in constant battle to win favor and grow into her likes.. but.. it was a losing battle because she made up her mind not to like me… so much that nobody in her immediate family knew that I existed…

TO BE CONTINUED….

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL….

I was born on a Friday morning in February of 1960s…. I was the most beautiful baby girl.. but at ten months my life took a turn for the worst.. I became so sick… my mom gives me up as dead…

“ go bury her “ she commands my dad… but he wouldn’t give up on me… he didn’t stop trying to find a cure for my unexplainable condition.. and when he finally did .. he was very elated but so very disappointed that I was never the same healthy baby he had…

I grew up feeble.. and sickly.. I was awkward and clumsy with zero motor skills coordination… so everyone just treated me like a retarded invalid… they sheltered me and limit me.. to things like playtime because they thought I couldn’t handle it.. trying to protect me without realizing the great damage they were afflicting…..

My mom decided to pass away when I was nine. Leaving behind a severely damage girl… my dad took us to live with my stepmom..

And…

Life becomes an unbearable struggle till I was old enough to go on my own.. I grew alone and apart from my siblings.. I was treated with much indifference..

No love… no affection… no acknowledgement… no confidence.. no self esteem…

I had bad stutter… I fall a lot.. I continuously cry… I was bed wetter until I was about thirteen…

I was mocked.. make jokes at .. laugh at.. shun.. and scolded for everything…

But…

I out grow it all and I believe I had a decent early adulthood… I made poor choices in relationships always seeking a love I didn’t know how receive or give…

I didn’t do so well in school .. because no one ever took an interest in our education…. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me about homework.. or find out how we were progressing… after graduation..I wasn’t brazen or bold enough to be able to function in the world… I was insecure and shy.. until I read somewhere… to be shy is to be selfish because you are only thinking of yourself….

My older sister was working and going to business college… while I was home so afraid to go out there to find work…

Church was my outlet so I decided I wanted to be a nun.. a great way out. But dad .. for the first in my short life he decided to sit me down and lecture me on how it would be a waste of life to enter the nun hood…

Me … eager to please and was so fill with joy that he took out the time to sit with me and actually talked to me.. decided to withdraw my intentions to be a nun.. he promised me to pay for a business course and Advice me to go find one that I like to attend…

But what did I know about picking a decent school… I did find one … but My choice wasn’t the best so after a few months I had to …changed to a different one..

Walking home one day … my long hair caught the attention of this man driving past… ( I had the most beautiful jet black hair.. long and shiny.. I regularly wear it flowing and cascading down my back ..) he stopped and offered me a ride home… I accepted…

We started seeing each other which my father didn’t approve because he was older and has been married with three boys.. I however disobeys my dad strict order to stop seeing him.. and that relationship lasted for year and ended badly when he decided to go back to his wife….

School didn’t prove too successful and so I tried working… but that’s also ended up with me losing it..

A few months down the line I met this US marine and for six months I was in glory… I had found love .. but this too ended on a bad note when I found he was also dating another…

I had started a business and management course at a more reputable school…and it was here that I met this other girl who revealed my marine deception… and where I unfortunately gain the likes of my accounts teacher……( I was taking accounts and management course) he decided to Pursue me to my great discomfort… and when I tried to tell him I was not interested he threatened suicide with tears..

And being so damn naive I allow him to persuade me to give him a chance against my will… we ended up living together unfortunately…

We went out one night and his car broke down and I had no way home… so we spent the night in his car and went home that morning…but my dad put the fear of god in me when he warned me not to ever repeat it and to he sure I come home every night..

And the very next weekend I was again stuck with no way home and the option of living with him was a much better option than facing the wrath of my dad…. that was the worst year of my life…

I dropped out of school… he was an alcoholic.. so I was bar hopping with him… being physically abused… often go hungry… moving from place to place.. but I want to prove to my dad that I could do this… but after a year.. I finally got the courage to leave him for good and beg my dad to allow me back home.. he reluctantly did and it took me two years to start dating again…

That relationship had left a bitter taste in my mouth and a callous on my heart…

During this period of my life I was struggling to find my way out… I was not progressing…both my sisters was working in Decent jobs… and I was not… I was by far the least successful one…

My dad own a tobacco company and he allows me to work for him.. I stayed there for two years…until met my first husband… I got pregnant for him but it went sour in my seventh month..

He was a womanizer… and he couldn’t help himself… he told me once that he was like a dog thrown in a pen full of all different kinds of meat…. so he just have to take bites out of everyone.. and it’s not that he love me less.. it’s just that he has all these tasteful choices and he just couldn’t resist biting into them… but know that I’m his favorite…and he will always loves me the best…

I couldn’t see it his way so left him with his delightful choices and moved back home… I had my baby.. got back together with him.. and he took care of us until he decided to move back home to America.. he was an American…

Me and my stepmom was really not the best of friends… but she agrees to look after my son while I go work.. I was very appreciative but I honestly neglected my son with the poor excuse that he’s well taken care of..

everyone in my family undermines me and I had no control over him.. so

I allowed everyone to take control away from me because I lacked the guts to stand up to them.. so as usual I run away and hide instead… I got lost in working three jobs..never realizing how much I was hurting my baby boy…

My stepmom took pride in full responsibility and never fails to put me down to my son…

But..

I did allow it gladly… telling myself that he’s ok and he is loved by everyone… this lasted five years until my father passed away from an heart attack…

Then everything changes for me.. I quit my job… I ended my four year relationship with a non progressed guy… that following year went by with me not remembering what took place.. I was in a daze..

But…

The second year.. I got married to my best friend.. .. he was my salvation and my angel….he was the best thing ever to happen to me… too bad it took me until he died to realize the great blessing he was to me….

I got pregnant with my second son.. that same year…my stepmom chased me out of the house letting me know that I won’t be bringing no more babies inside there.. and of course I allow her to decide my fate.. I had to leave my first son behind… this was my second mistake in abandoning him..

But the truth be told.. she wanted us girls out.. so she and her biological sons could have the house… she got her desire… of course..I made up my mind never to return to that house.. let her have it.. I will get mine someday…

I had been to hell and back with my baby father.. and when my baby was a year and ten months… I decided to do something about coming to America… my husband was an American .. so I asked him to file for me…

I got the chance and I took it..from the first day I set foot on American soil.. my whole world has changed for the better…

***************++**********++***********

TO BE CONTINUED….

DREAM COME TRUE: Angels 👼… Lena & Lani…

LOVABLE LENA

BIG BROTHER WITH LENA..

DREAM COME TRUE:….. Angels 👼… LANI &. LENA

Lena
4 months

LANI
18 months

SWEET AND CUDDLE-ABLE LANI

For the last 35 years I have lived in a household where I’m outnumbered by the male species.. my world was surrounded with all the men in my life…

I was blessed with two boys… I had always wanted a girl… how I would love to have had a daughter to be best friends with.. and share that special bond that I see moms and daughter share….

I love my boys.. I got so much joy raising them.. and I wouldn’t change one day with them… but… I just needed that girl to complete my world..

When my older son started to have children he ended up with three boys… I again have more than my share of boys.. and not a girl in the midst… I was begging him and his wife to consider trying one more time for the girl… and I was giving up hopes of ever getting a little girl to pamper and dress 👗 up in all these pretty dresses and cute outfits…

My younger son finally got pregnant 🤰 and was due with a baby girl… but his fiancé is from a different states and my dreams was dashed when they decided to go back to her home town to have his daughter..

I was so heartbroken 😔 and sad 😞… that I was losing the chance of having my my first granddaughter around…

I was sure I had lost my son too… and for those four months they stayed away I anguished over my lost…

But…

Things played in my favor… when they needed a babysitter and I was very much available because I was a retiree…

When they asked… however cold and contemptuous …. it may have been…( she texted.. “will you look after the baby while we go to work “)

No hello… we are planning on coming home… bla bla bla. Just straight to asking…. I had to read between the lines….

But…

I was so happy 😁 to know that they are taking my granddaughter home to me that I just simply ignore the coldness of that text and without a second thought or a even a slight hesitation… I quickly assure her that with an absolute yes…

“Please.. and when are you guys coming.. “ I asked..

I could hardly contain my emotions.. I was so so excited…

And so I got my lani at 2 months to present… the profound joy I have had the last year and a half is unexplainable.. she became the highlight of my existence… I’m always in awe of her progress and find so much joy in how very smart she is…

As I watched her get older and smarter I get a sense of pride…. feelings so close to her that I find myself so Intune and so connected to her emotions…

We read… we write and color….we play… we eat… we laugh.. we have fun together… she is my little buddy… my days became consumed with her…

Everything takes second place…

But…

Again As she gets older though …I know I’m about to lose her … because I have a condition with limitations that don’t allow me to be able to continue taking care of her…. she is growing out of my limits…

I take consolation though… in receiving this gift to fulfill my dream and no matter how short lived it may be… I got me the daughter I so longed for…

Life really gives beautiful gifts…

It gives me this most precious angel 😇 sent from heaven for me to enjoy… and enjoy her I did… to the fullest….

And to make life even sweeter… eighteen months later I got me my second most adorable 😍 granddaughter LENA….

What more is there to ask for… my world is finally in completion…

TO BE CONTINUED…..

…..The story of LENA

A SLAP 👋 IN FACE…. part 4

Born December 27th

….. John woke up and saw me outside.. he came and asked if I was ready to go.. I told him yes..

I sat there thinking and wishing I did not made the choice I had.. and feeling so upset because apart from upsetting her I have ruin my Christmas plans..

I got up retrieved my things and said bye to her.. not getting a response..

And head for the car.. my son and I .. we had a good little conversation on our way… and he was very sympathetic to me.. he shows understanding and actually told me that he thinks she has more issues than she thinks he has..

I had to agree with that statement.. he gives me a few examples of her iritic outburst… which he thought was very unnecessary especially with her eldest… but he said she doesn’t receive advices or suggestions too well…

That was enough explanation for me..

It was their second anniversary so I asked him to go easy on her and try not to do or say anything to upset the day…

He dropped me off and headed back home..

It took me two days to overcome my feelings.. and on the second day I thought I’d send her a text apologizing.. hoping she would now be in a better frame of mind..

“Hey 👋 Megan..

I do hope you are feeling much better today…

I’m so sorry 😐 my visit took a turn for the worst…

I didn’t mean to upset 😡 you so badly..

I just wanted to spend some time with you and enjoy 😊 your company..

So sorry 😐 for what I have said to make you so 😠 mad…

It was never my intentions..

I just hope we can move forward and beyond it..

And continue as friends..

I am not mad with you..

I know you are just going through a very emotional time right now. .. being in your last month of pregnancy 🤰 and all..

And have a family to take care of..

You are doing such an awesome 👏 job sweet girl…

You are a strong girl and you are a most wonderful mom and wife…

Keep on doing what you are doing..”

It went unanswered..

I even tried to butter her up.. hoping she would smile..

Ooh well!!?? I guess I just better leave it at that..

The next two weeks to Christmas 🎄 was very emotional for me because for the very first time I’m not going to be celebrating 🥳 Christmas without John…

John came over Christmas Eve with ayden..

We went out to eat.. he spent a few hours then leave..

We had exchange Christmas 🎄 gifts 🎁 . And good wishes ..

So next day ( Christmas 🎄 Day) was just me and my younger son home.. I tried to make the best of it..

The day came and went very uneventful..

I got a text from John that Friday.. baby coming.. and a couple hours later.. he sent photos..

So baby was born at 10am Friday morning…

And just when I was getting over my emotional state .. here comes another reason for me to be sad 😢…

I won’t be able to go see my granddaughter.. and I vowed that I would never go back to her home unless she personally invited me..

It’s been two weeks since the birth of my granddaughter..

And she did send some pictures to me and we had a little texting dialogue.. but I haven’t heard from her since..

And I’m not anxiously thinking that is an invite to resume connection..

So I will wait until she decided to do so..

I have been talking to friends about what happens.. and their suggestions have me looking at the whole scenario differently.. and at different angles…

One such suggestions is that maybe she wanted to cut John’s families out of the picture..

I don’t really care too much other than I’m not going to be able to spend much time with my granddaughter..

But I can do it if I have to.. I just find it so funny.. the extreme of it all..

Here I’m am left with total responsibility of my younger son daughter.. to the point that I have to ask him to give me a break..

And now I’m not going to be able to see this one at all..

I just can’t win for losing…

I will just have to let it all play out and deal with whatever comes..

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE… part 3

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU SAY…

WORDS CAN HURT 😞 MUCH MORE THAN

A SLAP 👋……..

THE AFTER EFFECTS….

…… I continued to cook dinner .... she locked herself in her bedroom… I was really uncomfortable and wish I could leave and go home… my emotions was running high and wild….

I felt guilty and badly for causing her rage… but I had mixed feelings.. the more I think about the conversation.. I come up with the conclusion that I didn’t actually say anything to have cause her reacting in that manner..

And… come to think about it she was very mean and somewhat rude to the point of disrespect… shouldn’t I have reminded her of who she was talking to and asked her to address me with more respect than that..

I didn’t even raise my voice once. I maintain my composure.. why then am I so forgiving and remorseful.. could it be because I’m in her home….

Or..

Is it because she is pregnant..

I find myself very understanding and even compassionate towards her… my throat was tightening up again..and my eyes were filling up with tears.. accidentally spilling down my face..

I think it’s because I liked her so much and I wanted so much to spend this time with her… we don’t really communicate too often and I so much wanted be close with her..

This is a side of her I never saw or known..

So after I finish cooking I thought I would go see if she has calm down and try to break the ice. .. letting her know that I’m not mad.. hoping she would be receptive to my gesture…

But..

She was very cold and distant..and had an negative attitude…

So I just back away disappointingly.. and utter a “OUCH “……

I went to my grandson room… I was not feeling too good and again I wish I could leave… why did I invite my silly ass over… I question myself…

My son came home but I didn’t go out to greet him…

But later on I decided to go and put away the food for the night… she didn’t come out if her room all evening..

John was sitting on the couch and he came in the kitchen to ask me why did I say that to her about her son..

So I had to explain to him the conversation we had that leads up to me mentioning her son to her..

I broke down in the middle of the story and my son..he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions…so he was getting uncomfortable 😣 and asked me to stop… so I did..

I finished up with what I was doing and went back to the room.. I lay there for hours going over and over in my mind the incident that occurred…

She chooses to tell john just the comment I made about her son… shaking my head… and to think of it …..she was the one who said everything she wanted John to believe I said…

I dozed off with tears flowing… I was very hurt for more reasons than one..

I didn’t get up with my grandson that morning….but after they left For school I got up.. got ready.. pack my belongings.. and decided to go sit outside in the backyard until my son wakes up…

She was on the couch.. I shouted , ” good morning 😃☀️🌞 Megan “….

I didn’t get a reply.. so as I was passing to go through the door to the backyard.. I asked,

” are you okay today??….”

She replied very sarcastically and very nonchalantly ..

“As good as I’m going to be “….

I replied.. “that’s good “….

I sensed her indifference and her detachment… so I just leave her alone..

*************++++************

TO BE CONTINUED…

A SLAP IN THE FACE…. part 2

ONE BIG SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE

THE CONVERSATION….

The evening went well.. we all retired to our sleeping quarters…

I slept with my grandson and he woke me up pretty early.. they had school…

My son was off to work early .. I had some coffee ☕️ sit for a while with meg..

And about an hour later .. decided to get up to change out my pjs…I asked meg what was on her agenda…and she said she wanted to go to the store to pick up something.. I told her I would glad to ride along with her..

I thought she meant later in the morning but just as I got into my clothes.. she asked if I was ready… so we went off to the store…

While there I picked up a few things.. mostly snacks for me and the boys…

We were having a conversation about blood type. And meg was getting a bit agitated 😣 with my questions and suggestions about her knowing her kids blood type.. so much so that I had to cut off the conversation entirely and letting her know it’s only me that these things are so important to… I didn’t like her tone … and definitely did not want to upset her…

We got home.. it was still too early for anything.. I again told her I would love to take over the cooking so she would not have to stand up so long…

So we sat down.. she turns on the news… and me…( 🤦‍♀️ smh ..sigh) .. I decided to ask her about her comment about her second son living with his father…

It starts out very casually with her saying she would not allow it.. but she went on farther stating that John is envious of her son and his father..

I did not agree with her and so it became a discussion which spiral out of control on her part. She let me know that John is still having abandonment issues.. that he has been crying and been threatening suicide..

So I just said.. annoyingly..

” He is almost 40 years old… it’s time he gets over this shit”….

Oh my.. she got very belligerent and started to blame me for him going through all that emotional trauma …

I remain calm and asked her not to be so upset.. I tried to change my approach by admitting the fault and then tried to explain my reasons for and behind making that choice which affects him so badly ..

I started off saying…

“When we are young we as parents sometimes make choices with and for our children without the realization of how it may or will affect them…”

I continued with the explanation of why I left him behind…and To clarify and satisfy my story or excuses or explaination..I kinda finish by saying…(trying or hoping she would understand.. ) just like the the choice you made with your oldest son..

Ooh man.. she flew off the handle… and went into a raging fit.. saying that she has not abandoned her son.. because she didn’t leave him and come to another country…

I didn’t say anything about her abandoning her son .. but I only make matters worse when I say the distance doesn’t matter..

I had to stop talking because I was afraid of her getting into such a rage.. but she continued to spew out a whole heap of negative remarks about me.. including the fact that I mess up my son and leave her to pick up the pieces.. I just say ” ouch 😣 ”

And..

“Oops 🤭😬”

And just walked away..

I was so hurt .. her words cut really deep.. because I had struggled with great guilt and remorse for years… I couldn’t go back and undo the damage I had cause my son….and I had suffered with him during the height of his first onset of deep depression… and I don’t see him with that emotions anymore.. so I was not believing it was still affecting him to the degree of how she wanted me to believe…. he had come along way.. and he has progressed so much.. I’m swell with pride sometimes just thinking of him and how he has grown.1

the tears was threatening to flow..I had to take a minute to calm down my emotions..and I started to cook as I promised… how could she be so mean…????!!!! If only she could know and realize just how much my decision and choice has hurt me in past… and how very much I regretted leaving him behind….

It was really like a slap 👋 to my face..

I really don’t see how our conversation could have reached to that point…but..

She’s pregnant and highly emotional..so I didn’t hold it against her… she was obviously 🙄 on edge all morning… and I guess it didn’t take much to trigger off her reaction..

………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED…

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE.. part 1

YOUR MOOD SHOULD NOT DICATE YOUR MANNERS

The visit

I have a daughter in law for the past ten years.. my oldest son wife…

They have three boys and is expecting a little girl in January…

They live in another city from me..and they just purchased a house …

It’s approximately an hour driving to get to me so I don’t get to see them and my grandchildren too often…

My daughter in law….MEG…. and I don’t really talk too much… she’s a nice pleasant girl and we get along quite well…

I have seen her… in early November during her baby shower…but haven’t really spoken to her… so after a nearly a month I decided to call her to check up on her… and while we were talking she mentioned she was on vacation…

And me being free totally invited myself over to spend a couple days with her.. I thought it would be so nice to just chitchat with her and I would be able to spend some time with my grandsons..

I called my son and told him of my big plan.. and asked him to pick me up that weekend… I was a little excited for the opportunity to get away for a couple days..and was rather thrilled to spend some time with meg and the boys.. also see my son.. I miss seeing him..

He agreed on Sunday.. but come Sunday he said he wasn’t able to make it and would come for me Wednesday instead.. my mind went in over ride… with all the negative reasons he decided not to pick me up..

To say the least.. I was very disappointed 😔 to the point of tears … I was so looking forward to this visit..

My son somehow sensed my feelings and I got a text from him that same evening that meg will pick me up next day… my first feelings was to denied it.. but I thought I was just being petty.. and acting silly… so I just said okay 👌…I will be ready and waiting..

Come Monday morning I got up got myself ready .. she arrived at about 11am.. I was glad to see her.. and I mentioned my concern about her driving so far in her condition… she assured me she was fine but I was still a bit worried 😟 to the point of guilt..having her come all this way for me…

I pushed it aside though.. trying not to let my feelings mess up my visit.. I’m just going to enjoy meg and the boys…

The evening went by well.. we took some time to talk and catch up… the boys was very happy 😃 to see me.. I told meg I would cook dinner to give her the break to just relax…

My son got home a little late.. and a little tired..

We all eat… and then sit down to watch a little tv 📺…

The next day was their anniversary so we talked about that and their plans… then we went on to talk about Christmas and the menu..

And what is expected.. I mentioned that I was going to come over a couple days before just so I could get everything prep and to give meg a break from doing much in her last weeks of pregnancy….

The conversation went to gifts 🎁 for the boys.. and meg mentioned that John (my son) was talking about giving the youngest a car for his sixteen birthday 🎁..

That is eight years away…so I intervene and told John that he has to think of the two older boys first..

( you see the two oldest is his stepsons and he feels it’s their fathers duty to give them a 🚘 car)

So we had a little debate on that with me trying to convince him to be fair enough as a father and know that he has to do for them as much as his own biological son… meg mentioned that the second boy chooses to be there with them… in the sense of proving that he loves his stepdad..

I didn’t comment on what she said apart from agreeing with her… but it causes me to think and wonder if she would allow him to live with his dad if he so desires…

Over the past ten years I tried to give my motherly advice to her as much as she asked for it…or if I observed something I think needed to be addressed I would offer some kind of suggestions or say what I think.. she was always receptive to my little advices and interferences… because I live apart from them I limit what I say or how I feel seeing that I really don’t have much control on anything.. so all in all I do allow them to be the boss of their life…

In saying so.. I found out a few months ago that she removed her oldest son out of his home and put him to live with her mom.. I asked my son about it and he asked me not to mention it to her because it’s a very sensitive subject with her… so against my feelings I decided to not asked her or mentioned it…

I actually didn’t agree with her decision and I wanted to let her know my reasons and tried to encourage her to get him back in with his brothers .. I fear what the seperation might do to him emotionally and how it will affect him..

I made a similar choice with her husband… I moved out and leave him behind and eventually relocated abroad…

He suffered from abandonment issues and went into deep depression as a teenager… So this is what I fear will happen with her son eventually if she doesn’t get him back home soon..

But I honor my son’s request and decided to leave it alone.. as much as we talked and much as I like her.. I was not that close to her to interfere in her personal choice… I just didn’t think it was in my place to question her decision with her son as much as it displeased me…

……………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED…

BEING A MOM… VS… BEING A GRANDMA…

So sweet she is

My most beautiful granddaughter…

It’s so amazing how we think so very differently as we aged enough to experience the joy of being called grandma…

Maybe it’s the experience of age..

Maybe it’s just living to see your children having children…

Or maybe it’s the journey through life that leaves us with the changes and experiences that make us think differently and treat the grand offsprings with such differences compared to how we treated our own children…

I’m so happy to be able to be alive to experience the grandchildren I have now…

But…

I do realize that I have such a different attitude and approach with them than I ever had with their parents..

I show more patience …

More understanding….

More eagerness…

I reflect back sometimes and it makes me sad sad 😞 to remember how impatient I was…how much I lack understanding…

And just how apathetic I was…

Yet I know I have loved my kids… as much as any mother could… but.. I lack that interest to give my all…

We call it discipline .. we call it structure .. we call it teaching…

Yet just years later we forget why and how we did what we did.. and doesn’t apply it to our grandchildren….

We have a complete set of new rules and expect our kids to take our new found advice and abide by them… when dealing with their kids…

My son had to remind me of how I scolded him for some kind of behavior I was insisting that he doesn’t do when he was trying to discipline his baby…

And I tried so hard to justify my then actions.. so he could understand my now reasoning for not wanting him to apply such.. with his daughter…

Life really teaches us.. and it brings changes… of how we see everything…

I have to really restrain myself from interfering with his methods of discipline… and allow him to be the father to his daughter.. whether or not I approve or not…

I guess we all have different values we try to instill in our kids…every parent have their very own…and we just have to allow and respect each and every one to be the boss of their kids upbringing…

Just as I have learned along way… I think so will everyone else too…

So I will continue to enjoy my sweet and adorable grandbabies… when I do get the chance…

And leave my kids to their parenting skills… afterall … they are the boss of them…

EMOTIONAL OVER REACTION: part 2…

PASSIONATE LOVE 💕 FOR A CHILD

…….But then everything changes when she tells me that she is going to leave baby with her mom for approximately two weeks in West Virginia without her or dad around……..

I immediately exclaimed…”no !!!!! Don’t do that…she will not do well without you or dad around… she will fret on you guys.. stop eating.. be depressed ..and she might get sick..”

Her explanation is that she promised her mom already..

I argued that this baby is not a puss kitten and she can change her mind if she wants and thinks it’s not in the best interest of her baby…

I beg my son to try to convince her and ask her not to leave his baby behind.. but he let me know it her choice as if he has no say in his baby’s well being..

I was very upset about her decision and I grow very angry because I was helpless in this situation… I keep thinking of my little malanni (granddaughter) crying for her mom and dad and how she would feel when she don’t see them around…

She was leaving in a couple of days and during those days all I talked about and gripe about is her leaving that baby behind…

I asked her on numerous occasions … please reconsider and don’t leave her behind ..

I think she feels as if I am being selfish and trying to keep mallani away from her mom…

But.. that was not my main concern..

Although the truth be told.. I didn’t fully trust her mom to be a good caretaker..

For one..

She is a smoker…a heavy smoker… not so good for little malanni and her lungs…

Two…

She is as lazy and messy as her daughter or more… this is where her daughter figured and learned…it’s the norm to live in a mess…

I’m not saying I’m better…At taking care of her…

But I have big doubts about her being responsible enough to make sure my granddaughter is properly taken care of..

But with all this knowledge…this was not my primary concern about her leaving the baby behind…

I’m so worried about the emotional impact it’s going to have on little malanni.. she’s old enough to know her parents and old enough to want them around for her comfort…

(How can a mother.. no matter how young she maybe…separate herself from her baby this way….how can she be so insensitive and cruel and so eager to leave her baby so far away just so she can have the freedom with no responsibility…??????!!!!! I can not comprehend her choice without any signs of remorse…?????)

The separation is not going to be good for little malanni…

After she leaves for West Virginia … I tried to talk to me son .. trying to convince him that again to ask her to reconsider her decision and to let her know that he is totally against being away from his baby for so long…

But…

He again asked me to stop interfering in his and his girls life…and that it is “NONE OF MY BUSINESS “…

I was really hurt by his comments…but I walked away without another word…

I’m having such a hard time dealing with this… I go to sleep and have nightmares about my granddaughter.. I get anxiety attacks thinking about her crying …wanting her mom and dad… I can hear her crying sometimes…it’s just my imagination but that’s how much it’s affecting me…and its even worse that I’m restricted from talking about it to them…

So I made a very conscious decision that I’m completely done with her and her baby…

I have decided to stay away from my granddaughter ..give up my duties as a nanny… stop with everything that I have been trying to do to help…

I really hope I can stick with this decision I have made when she gets back.. but for now.. I’m done…

I know it will seem as if I’m just mad because I couldn’t get my way…and that may hold some truth to it…and I reflect back to movies I have seen where these grandparents fights their children for their grandchildren…

And now I have a greater understanding as to why they would want to do this….it’s so hard to stand back and watch the mistreatment of these innocent babies without trying to step in …

I have talked and gripe to friends about the whole thing and tell them my decision…

And I have been met with a lot of opposition telling me she has done nothing wrong and that I’m over reacting to something that I really have no say in..

And I totally agreed..

But I’m strongly convicted to my choice.. and although no one shares my decision…it’s mine to make…

An yes I’m making a big deal out of it.. a case which I have no power of authority…

They shut me out and shut me up..and expect me to be eager to be of use only when they require me to be….

They are right… she is actually none of my business…

And I’m going to make her just that… I’m throwing a tantrum and I’m acting silly…

But I strongly believe what I’m doing and I have decided is the best for me..

*****^^^^******^^^^******

TO BE CONTINUED…

AN UPDATE ON HER RETURN…

EMOTIONAL OVER REACTION: part 1

This is my own personal choice and reaction.. that I’m not seeking advice or permission or even understanding…

But I want to share my story.. even though I expect to meet a lot of criticism and opposition to my choices And to my over reaction to something that is really “None of my Business “…. And to something that is not “My place to have a legit reason to defy…”

So here goes..

THE PASSIONATE LOVE 💕 FOR A CHILD

I have a granddaughter.. my son’s first baby ; my only granddaughter.. her mother is not the best of choice in my opinion…

But it’s my son choice:

She from West Virginia.. we are from Florida…

They lived with me for a year before getting pregnant….

They went to West Virginia to have this baby..

I understand her choice….it’s her home and her parents are there.. every girl needs mom and dad around for times like this..

I had feared at first that I would have lost my son because he would have chosen to stay in West Virginia..

But..

I understand his choice…it was his girl and his baby…

They spent five months and then they returned home with baby..I was very thrilled to get my son back home and very happy to have my granddaughter close..

She was two months old..

And they decided to come home because they wanted a baby sitter while they worked..

And I was more than willing to oblige..I didn’t think twice before I said yesss..

She was only two months when she came home.. she was not doing too well.. mom was feeding her bottle food.. adding cereal to he bottle..

which she couldn’t digest.. not feeding her on time..

Making her sleep for hours without waking her up to feed… it took a few weeks to convince her that she is hurting her baby’s health and that all she requires is just her formula..

She even stopped breastfeeding the poor baby because she ( mom) didn’t like it ..

I ended up having her more than they do over the next six months.. and I got to treat her and get her on a Right diet..

Mom is very lazy….

So I take up the responsibility of making sure everything for my granddaughter is taken care of..

If I didn’t wash her dirty laundry .. they wouldn’t be done..I had to walk behind them pick up Her clothes off their bedroom floor…

Be the bottle police ..to ensure that all her use bottles is always clean and sterilized regularly…

I was so afraid of her getting sick… I had to make sure her thermos is kept full of hot water for her bottle…

I watched my granddaughter progress with age from sitting up to rolling over.. crawling.. and then creeping…

I stayed up with her night after night while they worked till 2am in the morning…I didn’t mind because she wasn’t any trouble except that she wouldn’t sleep until they get home..

I understand … because every baby needs their parents especially at nights.. she was healthy and happy..

So after six months I became so attached to her.. she was apart of my daily routine….but I knew mom and dad was her comfort and happy place…

But mom didn’t take enough time with her.. she was always out or sleeping and when dad is around he has full responsibility while she either sleep or do whatever she pleases..

She doesn’t clean .. not her bedroom.. not the bathroom/ toilet…

My son enables her .. and when I try to say something about her behavior to him and complain that she needs to a mom.. he shuts me down asking me not to talk negatively about his girl..

So I stopped because I do understand why he asked me to stop…

I just keep on doing what needs to be done trying not to complain Over the months..

I accept how things are and even though occasionally I lash out for most part i just keep doing and know it is not going to change..

I still look at baby when needed..and I continue to do what is needed to be done…

And then at eight months when baby is knowing people and sticking more to mom and dad

Mom announced that she is going home for a vacation with baby..

I understand and encourages her visit.. after all it’s baby grandparents.

But then everything changes when she tells me that she is going to leave baby with her mom for approximately two weeks in West Virginia without her or dad around…

TO BE CONTINUED….,

My reaction and my feelings about her decision next..

FREELOADERS: MISS TING

….. I was quite upset with the fact that she didn’t give me that money .. especially when I had to find another way of funding for this outstanding bill…

I tried to stay calm but my emotions was very obvious.. and everything started to bother me…

I became very bitchy… and very grumpy…

My son was becoming the target of my gripes because I know If I had to address her personality I couldn’t and wouldn’t be nice…

One evening my son came out and was joking about things of the past and I was very amused at first and played along with him until he touched that very sensitive subject…

It sparks that fire that was building in me and I completely exploded..

I got so loud and I went off angrily…

and I repeated myself about the money she refuses to give..

But…

can go tanning and eat out everyday..

And yet she claims she can’t afford to pay me what’s I’m due….

Like the water and electricity she uses run on air.. or like I don’t have to pay a mortgage for this house monthly..

Like how she come. Living in here scotch free .. freeloading her ass on everything that I paid for to own…

Acting like she’s entitled and like I owes her freeloading ass a living…

Leaving trails of mess behind her for me to clean up like I’m the maid in my own house…

And when I asked for the bare minimum to help me with all she extra bills she racked up..

I’m mean and nasty and money hungry…

I said all that and more…

my son quickly went to his room.. knowing that…. from experience… when I reached this point of fury.. there is no calming me..

And that I will say everything and more until I feel satisfied…

I stopped and went to my room.. so angry.. that i wanted to run away from it all…

I woke up next day.. still not too happy.. but a little calmer…

Over the next few days I became silent trying to regain my sweet composure…

Until…..

Her birthday was on the 10th…

On the day in question , my son came to me asking if I could watch the baby because they want to go out to celebrate,,,

I refused.. thinking … pleasingly that I would get back at her some and she would have to stay home with baby…

Haha 😆

The joke was on me…

A couple hours later Abraham came with baby asking me to play with her a little..

I told him to let miss Ting deal with her baby today…

There he informs me that she went out with her friends to celebrate..

MISS TING… actually thinks her birthday was so much more important than staying with her baby..

I chuckled.. in disbelief.. and I look at my son and shake my head… telling him that he really is enabling her and spoiling her ass..

I took my granddaughter and I played with her and was convinced that MISS TING is clearly not responsible enough to be a mother…

I see and realized that I have to assist my son with her until she gets older…

But it left a gnawing feelings in my gut that I am stuck with MISS TING… and god knows I really don’t know how I am going to tolerate her for much longer…

I will have to sacrifice my son and my granddaughter and lose both.. which creates great anxieties in me thinking… can I!!!????

We’ll just have to wait and see… and pray for an answer to this dilemma…

**********^^^^^******

TO BE CONTINUED…..

FREELOADERS: MISS TING…

Why does these individuals think they are entitled or thinks everyone owes them a living….

I’m dealing with a bad case of freeloading… and I’m kinda backed in a corner of wall and hard place…

let’s call her Miss Ting….

******^^^^*****

Miss Ting came in life and my home when my son decided that he’s in love with her and bring her back home to Florida with him from Montana….

I welcome her and invited her in my home…

I told my son I’m going to charge her and him to stay here… he wasn’t quite pleased.. firstly he said he will pay me everything I asked…

I told him no way…

She’s not going to live here for free…

So they both started to work and at first they give me what I asked…she was here for nine months and got pregnant…

But I have big issues with her housekeeping..

she don’t…

she created more mess than anything and don’t clean up .. the rooms they occupied was becoming a huge pile of trash and filth..

I’m under the impression that she doesn’t know how to clean and that mess is her norm…

I complain .. I grumbled… I asked..

And my son has to be the one to get it in order everytime..

Let me not mention the bathroom… because I ended up having to clean it up every time…

I was getting really Annoyed and agitated with her and this mess she created…

But.. I tried to not say much to her because she shuts me out.. very non responsive.. and I didn’t want to ask her to leave because my son seems very much in love 🥰 with her…

Miss Ting has access to all my appliances..

All my pots and pans..

All my plates, cups…utensils…

Everything in the house is all mine

and I pay a monthly mortgage ..

The soap she washes her clothes with.. in my washing machine and dryer… I buy..

Toilet paper.. toothpaste…towels.. sheets..

I supplied…

And she comes and she uses without reservation..or guilt…

She was giving me what I requested so I did not mind so much..

I was happy and tried to ignore her mess.. until she went back home to West Virginia.. to her mommy and daddy to have her baby,..

My son went with her…

I had mixed feelings about him leaving..

I was glad to see her go but I missed my son and I feared him not coming back home..

They stayed away four months and I prayed that he come back home…

( But Sometimes you have to be very careful with what you pray for… because god answers prayers..

and you might just get what you pray for..)

So they return with baby…in September…

She immediately went back to work…

My son’s car wasn’t working so he decided to wait a while before going back to work…

and help me along with getting used to the baby…and getting his car in working condition…

Okay.. September rolls off and I let it go without mentioning I need some payments for extra expenses..

Come October I decided to mention to her that our previous arrangements is still in effect and I need that money by the end of the month….

After some debate about not knowing or thinking she was still responsible for giving me that money..

….and me reminding her of all the extra utilities and stuff she’s racking up.. we decided on November 1st…which was a definite date…

With Abraham not working and unable to play his part of contributions I was counting on her money to cover an outstanding bill..

I leave it at that.. and I struggled with her mess and her neglect of her baby all month…

I ended up washing and sterilizing the baby bottles… every day..

I took responsibility of washing the baby’s clothes…

She doesn’t.. so I do it…

And I find myself ending up with baby even when she’s home.. so I refuse to be responsible for the baby whenever she’s off…

But.. my son ended up with the responsibility… it irritates and annoys me…and I try to keep out of their personal affairs until it starts to affects me.. whereas I’m expected to keep her while they goes out..

I then become belligerent …

And so they realize I was not happy with their attitude…

So now with all that happening during the month of October…. come November the first.. I reminded her by text of our agreement….

She has the nerves to let me know that she won’t be able to pay me with a long list of excuses and reasons..

I plainly tell her that all her reasons is none of my concern and that I need my money today…

We went back and forth for five minutes with me telling and reminding her of all that she’s been using up and what it’s been costing and that nothing is free..

Of course I still came out the loser..and I was mad 😡 and furious…

I want her out of my house but my son and his baby prevented me from asking her to leave..

I know if she goes so does the baby and I didn’t want to put Abraham through that emotional pain…

So miss Ting is getting a free pass because of my son and his baby…

I am not in the least happy with her at all…

I am thinking and thinking of ways to get around this situation that I find myself in..

I’m really confused..

unsure…

Disturbed..

Apprehensive

Perturbed …. ect.. ect..

***********************

TO BE CONTINUED….

A GRANDMA’S 👵 JOY & PRIDE….

GRANDMA BABY GIRL 👧

MY BABY WITH HIS BABY GIRL 👧

Nothing warms the heart ❤️ of a mom like having a grandbaby…..

It’s like having your baby all over again.. and you compare and reflect on all the similarities of when your baby was that age..

You relive all those moments of having him all over again.. and it takes you back to those precious memories of raising him..

To have his baby in your arms.. seeing his face on her.. and realizing all of sudden that your baby has become a man having children of his own…

And this precious little angel makes you want to squeeze her so tight.. and fill you with her much pride and give you this profound joy that fills your heart with warmth..

I’m a second time grandma..

but this is my first girl 👧 .. I have had two sons and three grandsons… and now a granddaughter…

THE GRANDSONS….12; 10; & 6

My three little men… they keep me smiling and keep me in line… gives my life meaning and make it all worthwhile..

I love spending time with them.. they tire me out but the pleasure I get is all worth it…

And now In addition to my little princes …. come my little princess..

I think this is what makes life so wonderful.. the simple pleasures of children..

You get to feel responsible for someone and you get to think of someone else’s happiness other than your own ..

So you do everything in your power to make them happy and keep them smiling….

And you find yourself smiling too because they are…

What could be more filling than that…

What could be more satisfying???!!!…

It’s so wonderful when you live long enough to see your babies become adults and having a family of their own…

And even better when you are apart of their lives……you get to bond with your grandbabies….

Definitely A Grandma’s pride and joy…..

HOME: WHERE WE BELONG….

Isn’t it very strange how far life taken us sometimes away from the home we were born and grown and know as home most of our lives..

And then we found a place called home.. and we feel so belong and very comfortable.. that we doesn’t even miss our parents home anymore..

I’m a Jamaican.. and I love Jamaica.. and I get so home sick sometimes..

I got the chance to come to the USA 23 years ago.. I landed in Florida in a city called Hollywood… I spent the first year in that city..

I had a aunt in ORLANDO and she had invited me to come for a visit..and I accepted..

I was so intrigued With Orlando and feel in love in the city.. I promise myself I would come back and make it my home…

It was so beautiful and clean…

I liked HOLLYWOOD.. and would have stayed because I found the love of my life whom I was very much in love with… and I enrolled in school to pursued my advanced accounting career…

I was living in another aunts home (they were my father sisters)…and just after Christmas she told me she sold it and I had to find somewhere else to live..

My aunt in Orlando has suggested that I come stay with her and I had refused due to school and my lover… but fate has stepped in for me to fulfill my promise to make Orlando my home…

with no where to go I decided to take up my aunts in Orlando offer..

I had to arranged a location transfer from my job..make arrangements to to Orlando.. I was crushed to leave my love behind.. and was very disappointed to quit school…

But….

I was very excited to live in the city I fell in love with…

I had two boys.. age 10. And 2.. that I left behind in Jamaica… I took the baby with me when I came here…but had to take him back home when I couldn’t afford to Keep him.. and work At the same time…

I intended to find a school in Orlando to continued my accounting career… as soon as I got settled…

…..but I went back home to see my babies that May..and I didn’t like what I saw. Especially my baby…

My beautiful healthy baby was now puny.. and obviously wasn’t taken care of properly..

I was so tempted to stay home with him.. but knew I couldn’t take care of him in Jamaica…

So I came back to Orlando.. in tears..and anguish and was determined to find me a home so I could get him with me…

I started a second job… to try earned enough money to make it happen..

My aunt was a real estate agent..and I complained and confided in her about wanting my baby with me..

She promised to help me buy a home.. and a year later she lives up to her promise and got me approved for my home..

I was so elated.. I close this house in September 1998.. get it all ready and went for my baby..

He was going on four.. and when I brought him to this house.. he acted like he was home…

my oldest son join me six years later…

It so happens I lived next to a elementary school.. and it also happens that one of my neighbors was his aunt from his father’s relatives..

She has two children his age group.. and we became very close and became friends..

I happen to choose the right time to move into that neighborhood.. most of my neighbors had young children.. and they all became friends with my baby boy.. and they all helped me to baby sit him in time of need..

I still worked two jobs..and with my baby as well .. I couldn’t fit school in my schedule….

I worked from 11pm at night.. to 2pm the next day…five days a week.. and I took my baby up at 2:30 pm…

spent the evening cooking.. cleaning.. and make sure he’s all set for the night…

and then sleep for about 4 hrs… and do it all over again…

I actually had this routine for next fifteen years…

so I sometimes needed to have someone to baby sit him for me.. and all my neighbors chipped in..

So he grows up here.. and after 20 years..we became attached to the neighborhood.. we made many memories here.. and so it’s home..

Jamaica is no longer home to me.. yesss.. I still love Jamaica with all the fund memories of growing up.. and the bad too..

I will always go back to visit but Orlando is where I called home now….

I look back and sometimes marvel as to where life has taken me.. and I’m really grateful for the opportunity I got to find a home in Orlando…

My baby boy is now grown and moved away to a different state.. and I missed him so much and hoped he would return.. the house is so empty without him and his brother..

But…

I understand life does take us in different directions and places..and I have accepted that his home may no longer be my home…

My oldest is also married and still lives in Florida.. but in a different city.. a hour away from me..

Home…. we never knew where we may end up.. how far away we may go or where life may take us.. but we all find that place we call home….

So you teach your kids to spread their wings.. explore other places.. until they find that one place that makes them feel like they are home….

HOME: THE PLACE WHERE WE BELONG….

A MOTHER’S SORROW…

How should a mother feel when her children hurt her feelings and make her cry because she has the nerves to ask for a little financial help…

How should she react when her son.. says to her..

” leave me alone.’.. Why do I need to take care of you.. I no longer live with you… you are not my responsibility..”

This is the same son you worked two jobs and sacrificed your life life for..

yes..

it was your duty because you bring him in this would so it wasn’t a favor your were doing him.. it’s was your obligations..

And you did your very best to make sure he’s okay.. you gave him everything you could.. just to make him happy and have a good life…

Now life has changed for you.. you find that you can’t really work anymore due to disabilities you developed..

But God has been good.. he allows it to happen when he is grown and out of school… and able to work so you don’t have to worry about him anymore….

He moved out.. a different state..

you are able to collect disability.. but it only covers the mere essentials.. .. Mortgage.. utility… not much left to even Buy groceries with..

so you ask for help.. and his reaction this … ” leave me alone..”

He has helped in the past.. and you are so appreciative and makes you warm with pride … your son is coming through for you…

But then he’s becoming so mean… saying the meanest things..

And you want to just stop asking.. stop taking..

You want to leave him alone..

but.. you know you need that help financially…

And has a mom .. it hurts so badly.. to hear your son talks to you like that… as if you are the biggest burden to him.. as if you disgust him .. to be asking for more.. .

And even worse when you have have no other choice…. and you wish you did.. wish you didn’t need his help…

And you can’t help but wonder…

How could he stop loving you..

how could he not realize that it’s only because you only have him to ask.. because you have no other choice…

You have tried all your life and you have never predicted that this phase of your financial situation would ever occurred…

but life happens… and unpredictable situations occurs….and you just have to hope that it gets better..

And as much as you are hurting you can’t give up or give in… ..

and you pray for your son asking god to keep him safe and healthy.. and you keep on loving him just the same..

Because..

It was always your choice to have that precious baby who gave you such tremendous joy…

You did your best by him..

But once an adult and he’s wean from you..

You are no longer responsible for his actions or how he sees life..

and if he chooses to distant himself from you.. you just have to accept it and keep on moving forward…

As a mother.. we never want to let go of our babies..and we try so hard to hold on to them….

But.. the ties have broken when they becomes a man….

So you just have to harden your heart and live with that emptiness after they flew the coop..

How should a mother feel ..its just a mom’s sorrow..