This sequence is the beginning of the end… and is a little lengthy… I hope you all will take the time to read it.. this was my hardest episode to write… I have tears in my eyes reliving it all.. I Did fall very deeply in love with “MY SWEET ALLEN” ..and through the tears …. I’m smiling because it happen.. WHAT A MOST AWESOME AND A MOST WONDERFUL AMAZING LOVE FOR ME TO HAVE EXPERIENCE… SMILING HUGE!!!!
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AS I SAT THERE FIGHTING WITH MYSELF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BUILD UP THE COURAGE TO CONFESS MY DECEPTION.. I’M TRYING To UNDERSTAND THIS EXTREME EXTENT OF OUR INTENSE FEELINGS …. And HOW MUCH I’M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN…. while
HE IS DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR ME MAKING ME LOVE HIM ALL THE MORE…
“I’m here Christmas night loving you… and I want more… He was declaring, ‘that my position… no threats. Just promises I won’t be a fucking creepy stalker if you get scared and want to think… is that a bad position? He asked of me.
I read what he wrote about loving me and wanting of more; and I said, no more Wendy Wakanita, no more; tell him; you have to… I couldn’t go on lying to him any longer; he was sincerely in love; and he definitely don’t deserve this kind of deception.… and then I know this means it will be over for me; and I started to shake violently and again my heart was beating so hard against my chest; I was so nervous, my head was spinning, I couldn’t even type. I didn’t even know how to make the approach. So I try to steady my hands…
And I said, let me ask you a question… now don’t get mad…
(I was so emotionally upset… I just know telling him is going to be bad.. I fear his reaction.. and my eyes was fill with tears… I couldn’t even see.. my hands was trembling… so nervous.. I don’t want to do this… I really don’t…)
He laughed and said,”Ok”
And so I asked him, ‘did you fall in love with my pictures… or did you fall for me by talking to me? Kinda stupid question isn’t it? But… ”
It was us talking,’ he told me. “I’m a very emotional person… the physical thing falls in place once I feel someone.”
What did I say to get you hooked? I wanted to know.
I was so poor and lousy with my conversation, that I was thinking, I did not say anything so wonderful for him to fall for me this way. I was convinced it was the picture of Paige that he liked so much that got him hooked.
“Everything … he said. “It was your honesty most levy…. Mostly… and that you were really easy to open to…. No threat… but willing to share… I am a protector… so you played into my likes without even knowing.”
My honesty??? but I wasn’t… I sat there reading all he was saying, shaking and afraid. I am about to lose him. And I was getting very hysterical emotionally; and was paralyzed with fear. I was starting to sob and the tears were flowing heavily.
And I asked… shakily… ‘and if you found out that was not really me? Would you be angry that the girl you fantasize is not real?
“The pictures were a bonus… he said. I could see physical attributes I like… But when we first started taking I didn’t have that… so I went off how we interacted… that’s all I had. .. I have no idea … if I was catfished?
Then he says the most unbelievable thing, ‘no… I mean we would start over with trust… because that would hurt… but I’m huge on second chances.”
I think, wow!! What a guy….never expected an answer like that; Took me by surprise.
So I told him, “the best answer yet: what’s catfished? I asked.
I was a little calmer but I was still very nervous and even with all his answers, I was convinced he was not going to like me.
“Tricked.” he answered. “So if you aren’t the person in the pictures or you were not honest and really want to see if we are compatible… Now is the time to come clean… because I feel connected.”
“Suppose she is not a looker.” I asked.
(I was thinking it’s paige’s pictures that he fell for)
Wendy… out with it please.” He pleaded. Please.” He insisted.
I was so afraid to say it because I know it would mean the end of him. And I so much did not want it to end. Any way I reached this far… no turning back…
So I said, “Allen … I’m Wendy Wakanita… but not the girl in those pictures.”
And I start to cry even more, I was sobbing and I kind of expect him to stop texting… But instead he asked me…
“Let me start with my first concern… how old are you?
“40” I told him…. Well I can easily pass for 40 and on some days even 35.
Ok I can live with that,” he says. “Jesus… What a relief… ok let’s have it.
“I thought you liked them young,” I told him
“Wrong.” He said.
I’m afraid you are not going to like me if you know who I am.” I said to him.
“You are the youngest girl I’ve talked to. I like girls that can hang physically… because I can fuck forever… but I don’t like young girls because they are young… if that makes sense.”
“Maybe you are right… I mean … but what do you have to lose.” He said in response to him not liking me.
I kind of understand what he was saying but not totally convinced about it. And I was thinking… here I am trying to find a man to keep up to me… without much success, that I give up trying, thinking all men 40’s and up is useless in the bed… and after my experience with “MYLOVE-LOVE… I refuse to do young guys for fun. And here I found this most passionate guy who could match my long distance marathon; and I’m ending up losing him because he would rather a young girl in her 20’s to run with. A tall thin girl with perfect teeth and a beautiful smile; his type and preference; I’m no comparison. Paige and I are completely opposite. If only he could have liked me; but… that is not going to be possible.
So I told him, “I’m the aunt.’
“You have made a mess; let’s fix it.’ He said surprisingly. “Ok so you are the aunt?
“And so what is it you want? What are you looking for? Help me understand. Do you want to experience us? I mean I totally fell in love with you… I might need to think things through because I’m a little hurt… but what do you want? Ok I’m a lot hurt.”
And I sit there crying my heart out ; couldn’t even steady my hands to text; reading what he asking; knowing no matter what I say to him, he’s never going to like me; thinking I want you… all I want is you… I love you… I love you so much… but it’s not me you love…
I decided to send one of my pretty photo I took fifteen years ago when I was proud of me and my smile was pretty.
He comments on it on say, “ok that’s a nice picture.”
I then say, I do… I do…” {To, do you want to experience us}
I did not know what to say to him, there he was telling me that he is hurt and I know he would be; and here he was still texting me trying to make sense of it all; and I have nothing… nothing… I was lost for words… all that was in mind was I have lost him; it’s over and I was expecting him to stop texting me and forget about me; but he kept on and as long as stayed with me texting I became calmer and my extreme emotional state that I found myself in start to slowly dissipate.
He then say, “ok, then please let’s start over… please… we can start as us.”
Start over??!!!! oh my!!!!… I couldn’t hardly believe he was saying this t me…
“Ok.” I said kinda excitingly.
So you are Maxine? He asked.
“Yeah… I’m Maxine too.” I admitted.
And I think, oh sh….t, he now knows what I look like for real from the picture of me with Paige. I start to get nervous again because that’s an ugly picture of me, and I know he definitely will not like me.
Then he of course changes his mind, “ok I have to process this… but I promise I am not done… I swear I fell in love with you…I have to figure out if I can trust you now… that’s all.
He was saying all the right things but I was thinking all the wrongs things. I was glad to see that he was really nice about it; but I was still convinced in my mind that he wanted Paige. I wasn’t giving me a chance.
So I told him, “I’m sorry but I’m shaking so much… I’m kind of relief that you take it so good.
“Let’s see how things go… maybe we can fix it.” He tells me. I don’t know… I’m Kinda a mess though… I feel so stupid.”
I know he was a little confused about it all; and i was still worried about him… but as much as I want him to like me… I just know that he is not going to like me..
So I told him, “So, so happy I’m right about you, because I’m so in love with you.
I was trying to tell him that I was happy to know I was right to think he was really a sweet and sincere man and all that he’s now saying to me proves me right.
What you did was mean,” he told me. “But thank you for fixing it and allowing us to salvage something!
“I was feeling sorry doing that when I realize how special you are.” I let him know.
“Ok well we work on us… as one then …ok? He asked of me. “Totally honesty please.”
I felt a little hopeful with what he said. And I thought I can’t text fast enough to explain to him, or try to apologize to him, maybe he will let us talk by phone where it would be easier for me to tell him how and what I am feeling.
So I ask him, “Maybe we can voice call now? ….
I promise.” I told him about being honest.
He was not responding and I thought he had stopped and my heart sinks again.
So I asked, “Are you gone?”
I start to cry again, and try to apologize, “I’m so, so sorry, thanks for not being too mean to me… Trusting me is not going to be easy, and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me. I was never the lovable type, a guy like you are only in my dreams. I figured you would not love me so much if you knew I was not that sexy girl.” (and I just keep on saying the things I was thinking … making me looking worst with each word..
I thought for sure he was done with me, and I was crying and wallowing in self-pity; wanting him so badly to like me but knows that he couldn’t and wouldn’t, I have all the reasons why he couldn’t… and to me they were valid.
And then he’s back, and through the tears I smile,
“ok please tell your name… your real name so we start over.”
I wrote, “Wendy Wakanita Maxine .”
“But you missed something huge… sexy is not a look. He told me.
I said, “I beg to differ.”
“Ok I love the name,” he told me. And you prefer Wendy?
Actually now Nita” I let him know with a smiley face..
“Well first impressions are one thing… but anyone can be sexy.” He said to me
.”Awwww” he responded to me wanted to be called by his nickname for me.
‘And so …. What would you like for us Nita? He asks me.
“Everything you promised.” I let him know, “the whole works.”
I was getting a little excited and hopeful that he wants to try to make us work; I was also pleased to have him still talking to me and allowing me to calm down from my hysteria. And again I was just so amazed how wonderful he is. I couldn’t believe that he is still talking to me and even offering me a chance to be with him; after I hurt him like this. Here I was, again in awe of him. WOW!!
Then he said to me, “and please don’t thank me for being nice… I will always be nice… shouldn’t everyone be? He asks of me. He laughed at me wanting everything and the works. “Hahaha! Ok! Let’s start as us.”
“Ok let’s.” I confirmed.
“And we go from there… at least we can have an honest go at it right? He asked. “Also … were you Cumming … playing with your pussy when we talked? Was that real? He wanted to know.
“You are so amazingly wonderful.” I was complimenting him. {For wanting to make a go with us.}
“Yes” I told him, “I always have; that was real.”
And so that was real; ok, that’s feels nice. I’m glad I shared that. He stated. And do you have children? He asks. “
I did not want to lie any more to him; no matter what the consequence I am going to be totally honest with him from now on.
So I admitted, “The Irish and the Chinese. My first husband is the Irish man… I have had three husbands; I’m kind of not too lucky with my choices, my second died, he was the best of the lot.”
I realized he had stop texting; I was getting worried that he is gone again. But I kept on saying what I was saying hoping he will resume.
So I asked him, “Are you seriously thinking of giving us a chance?
Still nothing from him, my eyes felt teary but I was not too emotional like earlier, much calmer, but I was a bit apprehensive.
“You are not feeling me right now, are you? I ask him. You have lost the joy, haven’t you?
I waited a few minutes, still nothing and now I was convinced that he is finally gone. And I was full of morose. And I started to think again that he wanted Paige; this beautiful young girl; not an old fart like me, with two grown children. There goes my everything, I thought. My whole world just crashes… and I’m left with nothing, he is gone… gone for good. I found him… and he was grand… perfect…sensational… and I was so ecstatic… thrilled….and was so profoundly delighted and so full of joy.
So I kept on talking to him just so to keep calm and not get back to that state I was in.
So I told him, “if she old enough to date I told her I would have given her to you… but she is only 14; she thinks you are hot… if that’s any consolation.”
“How I wish I could command your love.” I told him sobbing. ‘but I know you could not like me…I’m that cute or lovable… all in all my sweet, sweet Allen, I have enjoyed you tremendously, and I do love you so very much… but I got it… a man like you would never look my way twice… it’s just my luck… falling in love with someone way out of my reach…I’m so sorry… you didn’t deserve it; you are too nice and special and perfect. My blue eyes… right out of my dreams. You are everything in a man I have always dreamed of.”
After a few minutes of thinking and weeping; realizing that he is really gone I sat there praying he would come back, wanting him to resume his texting but I knew it was over and I started to cry again, feeling lost and numb… I lost him… omg … I have lost him…
“You are gone aren’t you? I text. “I have lost you… my worst fear has come true.”
..I was feeling so empty and so alone…there was a big void… I missed him… and I’m left with this great love for a man I couldn’t have….
And I just keep texting even though I know he was not there anymore; I just want to get it out, what I was feeling, trying to ease this excruciating pain I was experiencing.
“I f…ked up real bad… I know… but thank you for the most memorable; exciting; glorious; time I ever had; the best sex without even a touch; I was on top of the world for a moment. I flew to places I have never been to; I am totally in love with a man I never knew; with only the power of his words; you are the most beautiful; most genuine; most understanding; most wonderful man alive. And I had the honor to know you. What a most amazing and awesome experience for me.
“In all my 43 years, I become the most fortune woman alive to have crossed path with you. LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS…. IT GIVES ME YOU… wonderful incredible you. And I will be always loving you… thank you again for the experience of you, “MY SWEET, SWEET Allen” Did not mean to hurt you, it was never my intention… I will not bother you no more… but I would love to hear from you…even if it for some of your visual sex”..I ended humorously…. Wendy WAKANITA.
I sit there crying… wishing I didn’t pretend to be Paige; wondering if I had been myself if he would have loved me like this. I was not hysterical anymore and I was glad he stayed with me long enough to allow me to calm down; I was hurting real badly and wanted so much to still have him talking to me; to feel him close; but I know he is done with me. I was so in love with him and I prayed, “god … please fix it… fix it… please fix it…please god; bring him back to me; please god… he says he love me… let it be true and let him see me as me.” And I cried and cried some more.. I was sobbing and the tears was warm running down my face…my heart was breaking… I was numb and so devastated;
Don’t know why I was acting so extremely emotional; it’s not like me… I’m always so cold and unattached; but somehow … my emotion were so intense and uncontrollable… is it because I am in the wrong?… and I know it?…is it because I don’t know him and I have built him up to suit my fantasy of him?… I don’t know… all I know is that I’m hurting real bad and that he is gone for good;
His love was like a gentle breeze that turns into a storm…and it carried me away and spins me in a whirlwind of exhilarating emotions and desires that was so intense; that it left me so ecstatic; and I had the time of my life…and I owe it all up to him. It was providence… like a divine intervention. And no matter what… I think he was my fortunate serendipity [finding a very pleasant and valuable thing by chance} and it was by mere chance I found him… But I went and mess it all up; with lies and deceptions because of insecurities and lack of self-esteem.
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WE LAUGH UNTIL WE HAD TO CRY:
AND WE LOVE RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE
WE WERE THE BEST I THINK WE’LL EVER BE
JUST YOU AND ME… FOR JUST A MOMENT.
WE CHASE THAT DREAM WE NEVER FOUND
AND SOMETIMES… WE LET ONE ANOTHER DOWN
BUT THE LOVE WE SHARE, MADE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT
WE SHONE SO BRIGHT… FOR JUST A MOMENT…
TIME GOES ON… WE TOUCHED… AND THEN WE’RE GONE
AND YOU AND I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN, LIKE WE DID THEN
SOMEDAY WHEN WE BOTH REMINISCE… WE’LL BOTH SAY…
THERE WASN’T TOO MUCH WE MISSED
AND THROUGH THE TEARS… THE SMILE WHEN WE RECALLED
WE HAD IT ALL… FOR JUST A MOMENT
TIME STILL GOES ON; AHHH; WE TOUCHED… AND YOU ARE GONE
BUT, YOU AND I… WILL NEVER REALLY END…WE WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN… LIKE WE DID THEN.
WE LAUGH AND WE LOVE… RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE.
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TO BE CONTINUED…….
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