MY LOVE- LOVE: THE JOY& PAIN OF AN UNFORBIDDEN LOVE; chapter 7

I got a text on Sunday 4:34 pm. “what u doing 2nit?”

I was happy to hear from him and I replied,  “Thinking of doing you.. ”

He sent a LOL… and said that he is on his way.

He came by .  I know he really came for the money but just to see him after six long weeks I would give him anything.

We sat there talking,  but just wanted so much to kiss him and love on him but I hesitated because I was not too sure he wanted that, but I guess he sense my desire

MY LOVE-LOVE: THE JOY & PAIN OF AN UNFORBIDDEN LOVE; CHAPTER 6

A STORY OF PLAYING THE COUGAR WITH A VERY UNEXPECTED TURN…

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I went through the next few weeks like a zombie. Missing MYLOVE-LOVE. And feeling real bad because he ignores me. To make matters worse I found out that he has been talking to veronie and everybody else except me. And I wonder, why not me? What did I do to him? Why was it ok to talk to everyone else and not me? After all the times we spent together and the intimate moments we shared.. I thought we were friends and deserve some acknowledgement..

On May 5th I got a text saying, “wassup stranger”.

I sent a reply and but got nothing else. . I was like a school girl with her first broken heart. I was so frustrated and helpless because He would not communicate with me and I did not know how to reach him.

I was missing him and his presence..and I was afraid that I will never see him again and I was not ready to let him go…

I had bought some things for his little girl’s birthday, and I wanted him to get them. So I called him tell him I have them and how can I get them to him.

He text back that he wants them and that he will come and pick it up. He never did. I try to call the following day and would you believe that he hung up on me. I was so mad and upset that he would treat me so cold and mean.

I just couldn’t understand his behavior towards me…. he was so cold and a little mean and I was so hurt thinking I didn’t mean much to him for him to ignore me and refuses to talk to me..

He tries to call me later that day, I did not answer… I was still upset with him hanging up on me.. And then he sent me a text that his phone die while talking to me. I did not believe.

Anyway I wanted to get those present to the little girl so I decided to call his friend, whom number I have, to pick them up and pass them to him. I had the feeling He thought I was trying to see him, so I figure I would go pass him… yes I wanted to see him but I wasn’t going to harass him..if he didn’t want nothing to do with me…I will just leave him alone..

Well the friend came got them and then I text him telling him to collect them from him. He text me informing me that him and this guy no longer buddies. OPPS! The friend did not let me know this. OK. I decided to call the friend to bring them back.

MYLOVE-LOVE called a few days after..  asking me why I didn’t give veronie the presents to give him. I thought why would I want to do that? And he just went on and on about if I wanted to get it him I should have given her.

I was so hurt to know that he was still seeing her.. and not me… and I didn’t want her to know I was with him anyways…

I got so mad I hang up. I’m thinking how could he ask me that? What is he thinking? Doesn’t he know how I feel for him? That day I cried so hard. I cried because He doesn’t care about me in the least. I’m here thinking, I mean nothing to him, nothing. Thought I found me a friend, a true friend.  How wrong can I be?

I guess my emotions for him was way more than I would care to admit…

I decided not to text or call anymore. Leave him, I told myself. I was hurting and I was still crying a little whenever I thought of him  and his coldness. I was missing him but it doesn’t make sense wanting someone who doesn’t return your feeling…

A few weeks later I got a phone call apx. 12:30 am from MYLOVE-LOVE. telling me how busy he was and about all that he’s doing. He then asks me for $200. I told him I haven’t got it.

I was so glad to hear from him…but a little disappointed for the reasons I got that call.

Then I told him to call me that Saturday and I will see what I can do for him. Of course he called me and we talked some. I told him to give me a week and I will come up with it for him.

Here I am promising him money in hopes of getting the chance to see him.. My feelings have not changed much.. and I find myself getting all excited just talking to him… I still want him.

It’s been now six weeks since I last seen him and I was in great anticipation of seeing him again. For the next week I didn’t hear anything from him and I thought that was it. “oooh well”.

June 01st I got a text telling me that he’s trying to get stuff done and he’s been busy. He’s so tired and he has not talk to anybody because he is so busy.

Then he asked, “how u doin?”

I replied, I was pleased to hear from him. Then he asked, “So can you help me out with something?

I told him I will on one condition. That he never lose contact with me again and he have to keep me close. He agrees to the terms and said he will try.

I got a wassup Wednesday, I heard from him Thursday and, Friday. On Friday he said his car need fixing. He’s so damn tired.

. And again he asks, “Can u still do that for me?   I said yes.

Saturday he asks me what I am doing. I was working, did not get his text. And he text back, ‘Wassup. Now you don’t want to text back.”

I was amused and I apologized and told him I am working. I asked if he is not coming for the money or if he changes his mind. He told me he needs it but having trouble getting a ride.

So after six weeks of silence I heard from him every day for one week. I was feeling real good about communicating with him like that. But I was left to wonder is it because he wants to talk to me or is it because I promise him the money.

I knew the answer but I did not care because I would do almost anything just to see him and have him close again. I was going to pay him for a little of his time… How sad… but to me then… just getting a chance to be with him again was well worth it…

I could not wait to love on him again. To kiss those lips, Love on that chest, and have him hug me to him. I could hardly wait to see him.

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TO BE CONTINUED……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; epilogue

 we talked  for about three hours and in that time he brought up the sexual topic again and i did encourage it to a certain extent.. that I even disclose one of my deepest fantasy … but he got so weird and crazy that in the end I had to truthfully tell him if he is trying to discourage me from him , that it is working.. I was not liking this side  of him and I told him that . and i say..
” is this the real you.. or is this stemming from you anger with me….???”
I was feeling really disappointing with his attitude .
So I told him I would rather leave than take his behavior…

I couldn’t believe that I was so wrong about him… and then he pauses .. and I thought he finally stopped .. but after a few minutes I got this text..

 

This is Brett… Allen been asleep for several

hours! But let me tell you something.. He is a good guy and you are a freak! He
may very well wan to fuck you… Clearly he hasn’t yet… And your fetish stuff
is crazy!!! If you hurt him I’m going to be pissed… Please be nice to him…
He may be a little lost at the moment but he’s a really good person. Good night
I was so shock and embarrassed for playing along with him… enclosing my secret.. I didn’t know what to say…so I just hung up…  I was a little relieved to know that it wasn’t him though..
It was morning by now and I couldn’t sleep again… I was a little disturbed and perturbed…anyways I sent him a text a few hours later..
: Boy did I get a dose of my own medicine from your
friend Bret this morning. I Made a complete ass of myself but I guess I deserve
it all . I even disclosed my most embarrassing fantasy; something I have never
told a living soul. I m still here nervous and shaking just texting this you
because now I’m not too sure if you really forgive or not or i If you think I
set out deliberately to deceive you and betray you…. I fail the test didn’t  I?

 Lesson  taken well… Again, my sweet ALLEN…. my love…

 

I am so so very very sorry for what I did, and wish with all my heart I could
undo it. Because if you even feel half as bad as I’m feeling right now I know
the pain you are going through . I m so sorry my sweet Allen you definitely did
not deserve this.
He answered almost immediately, with…
” I do forgive you and I’m sorry Brett messed with
you after I went to sleep.. He told me.. Not everything. Just that he fucked
with you because you fucked with my heart and that is bullshit…. I was pissed
at him and told him to leave my phone alone. Anyway I think the  fantasy
is kinda hot and I would for sure entertain anything as long as you enjoyed it.”
I didn’t quite know what to say or how to say what I really want to say..and I was still feeling like a fool , knowing his friend showed him all that he put me through.. and I was feeling a little self-conscious.. so I decided to cut off the conversation..
” Hey .. I still a bit shaken up from last night. I responded.
I guess I have  to take some time to absorb and deal with it. Thanks a bunch for
forgiving my deception. I’m not mad at Brett shows loyalty for a dear friend.
If only we all have friends like him who hurt for us in the way he does  I know
you are special and Brett just confirmed that fact. Ttyl my ALLEN .. Off to work
So as you know… Still loving you…”
He told me to have a great day at work… and I smiled..
I went to work for the first time without a smile.. I had tears in my eyes all night… I couldn’t believe how i have mess up our wonderful Christmas so badly. I could feel his coldness. and I thought i would give him some time to absorb it and come to terms with it all. how I missed him….
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My sweet Allen stays with me for the next two months… he was very compassionate and super understanding … but he couldn’t bring himself to get pass my horrific deed..  he said he couldn’t accept all the lies that i told .. he could have accepted the pictures  because that wasn’t the problem.. it was the deception .. he could understand all my insecurities and fooling him with pictures …. it was just all the lies that comes with them.. he just don’t know if he can trust me. he said he didn’t care what I look like … he fell in love with me.
And again, I was dumbfounded.. I know he was so right and I have no valid excuses to justify my actions, other than my lame explanation that I just wanted some time with him.. It was the truth but just wasn’t enough reasons..
We talked again and again. well, I should say I  did..  he didn’t have too much to say to me. at one point he asked me to move beyond him.. and told me he has moved on .. He even as much as mention that his heart has grown a callous. I knew then that i had lost him completely.. I tried to accept my defeat but i was hurting so badly.. I never remember ever  feeling this amount of excruciating pain before..
I got me loving him.. I had him loving me.. I cried night and day for the first two weeks.
 i have given up all hopes with him.
He stays and encourages me  and treats me with me tenderness and a large amount of compassion. one his  last text was on valentines… I had sent him two cards and a valentine’s message  and he responded..
….MY MESSAGES….
Happy valentines my valentine!! I’m going to drop
the ‘L’ word today and I do hope you accept and receive it for all its worth. So
you know.. I still love you as much as I did seven weeks ago and even more… And I
want you to know how very grateful I am to you for staying; you will never know
just how much it means to me. Thank you for being you; that kind compassionate
wonderful you. My only regret is knowing how much Hurt i have caused you, but
I’m so thankful for the chance I get to know you and love you –

: Many people have touched the edges of my life,
coming and going;  scarcely leaving an impression, but you are an uncommon and
unique person, someone who has made a big difference in my life;so it’s not
surprising that I find myself thinking, just how very special you are… And
wanting you always to remain close … And I’m hoping against all hopes you stay awhile..  LOVE YOU MY SWEET SWEET ALLEN  ON THIS VALENTINE’S DAY..
(I ENCLOSED THE CARDS AND WROTE;
413d9674-83d7-43fd-a053-1d8a8a634044imageimageimage
…  For you my Allen have you a most wonderful day
filled with love

 .

Wow! That is the nicest text and for sure most

heart-felt valentine cards I’ve ever received! Thank you so much for waking my

heart up Nita… And showing me that there is still a man inside me that wants
to feel love… And wants to be loved. You are so different from anyone I’ve
ever experienced and  I’m grateful to have you in my life.
. .: I hope you have a perfect Valentine’s Day Nita
 ” Thanks to the love I have for you and thanks to
you my sweet Allen… This is my best valentines ever”
I was smiling so huge when I had received that text… I didn’t actually know how to take what he said, but I was so pleased to read his respond  and was happy he liked my cards..
My heart soars with this immense amount of love for him it fills me with so much joy.. even though I messed up and lost him.. I just know that I will never forget  this most awesome and amazing gift of love.
It was one amazing month and though our christmas got shattered I still love every moment we shared and enjoyed together… the man who let my whole being becomes alive  like it  never  had before…he sets my heart on fire and have my whole soul so alive with profound joy..The man I never knew…with just his words he set me ablaze with a love so explosive and passionate… for that short period I knew what it was to be love with a passion so intense, I felt it to my very soul… I know he loved me… yes me… me… I felt him like he was right beside me..
He made love to me like no one has ever done.I felt his touch…I cum with such powerful, electrifying ecstasy …. over and over again.  I was the receiver of that intense passion and i am the one that loves him with a desire so strong it hurts.. I found him….and it was phenomenal..ecstatic… sensational… epic…
He may no longer be here.. but I’m so happy to have gotten this chance to know him .. love him..expirience him.. enjoyed him…. SOMETIMES LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS.. IT GAVE ME HIM.. & SOME GIFTS YOU CAN’T HOLD IN YOUR HANDS …. YOU HOLD THEM IN YOUR HEARTS…

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11b

He was gone again and I don’t think he will be back… come tomorrow after a good night sleep maybe I will try to talk to him again. I messed up… yes I made a real  mess real badly and ruin a  most perfect Christmas. How did this happen….how could I have known that I would be surprised by LOVE…all I know is that  I do love him so… so very, very much.

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I LAY THERE SOBBING AND WEEPING FOR MY GREAT LOSS; IT FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS PULL OUT AND STOMP ON; I WAS SO BROKEN UP WITH PAINS OF SORROW; I HAVE LOST HIM… MY WORST FEAR HAS COME TRUE….I WENT THROUGH THE LAST TWO WEEKS FEARING THIS DAY, NOT WANTING IT TO HAPPEN; TRYING TO HOLD ON TO HIM FOR AS LONG AS I COULD, THINKING OF ONLY MY DESIRES, NOT WORRIED ABOUT HIS FEELINGS; AND NOW THAT IT HAS COME TO PASS; I NOT ONLY FEEL PAIN FOR ME BUT FEELS IT WORST FOR HIM BECAUSE HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS DECEIVING HIM; AND JUST LIKE I FELL FOR HIM HARD HE FELL FOR ME JUST AS HARD. HE BELIEVES IN ME/Paige; HE TRUSTED ME WITH HIS HEART AND I RUIN IT. [and I cry some more, for being a such selfish and contempt person}

We were experiencing everything together; the only difference is… I knew it was all a lie and he did not. And I agonized in anguish; feeling bad for losing him and worst for hurting my ‘MY SWEET ADORABLE WONDERFUL Allen’.

Then surprisingly I got a text from him; I could not believe it; so like me, he could not sleep; we were really two hearts in harmony, feeling and thinking the same things. There he goes echoing my thoughts again.

“Well… good night, I’m sorry, I’m a mess… but this is so weird, knowing everything was a lie…I’m trying to feel the love I felt… and no judge… but man… you played me hard and I fell hard… so I love the idea of you but I don’t know we can ever happen… I think… Idk… it’s so weird… I’m still in love… but I’m mad…not like I’d hurt you mad… that’s not my style… just mad… not sure what to do.”

I read it and I cried… I cried for him because I could sense his pain he was experiencing.

“I totally understand… I said to him. “Wish I knew how to make it right…and I’m hurting like mad, can’t stop the tears and I know you are too.”

“Yes…” he agreed. This sucks.

“So so sorry Allen.” I told him.

‘Deception is so painful… I have no idea.” He said.

“But I wanted to tell you. That’s why I did.” I confess.

“Just so you know… everything I shared was true and real.” He wanted me to know.

“I know” he told me [about wanting to tell him] “and thank you.”

I told him I know that everything he shared was true and real. {That was the reason I had to come clean}

I’m easy to see I guess,” he said, “please take her off… I feel so gross.”

“Sorry to hurt you like that,” I let him know. “You are such a sweet man.”

“You used her,” he told me.

“I can see that, guess I did.” I totally agreed.

“Please give me you… I want to feel even a piece.” He asks of me.

I want to give him all of me, but I was so sure that he was not going to like me in no way possible.

“In what form,” I ask.

Funny part is,” he was telling me, “in the beginning if you used that old picture of you… that would have worked better; then he said, “ I guess you think every man with a hard cock wants a young girl… Idk what others think… but I promise that isn’t the case here. I want passion… heart… love…”

And I guess he was right to a point, I did think he was attracted to Paige because she is young and beautiful; While on the hand there is me… the very opposite. And of course which man can resist a pretty girl.

So I told him, “I only got tango to be able to talk with my grandson; I was not trying to find a date… everything I told you was the truth.

I was trying to explain to him that I would not have thought to put an attractive photo of me because I had no intentions of finding my soul mate. He may not believe but I did not even know it was a social media; I thought I was like Skype.

So he asked me, “So you love me? Because I fell in love with you.”

I think, OMG!! And I can’t give him what he wants.

I told him “yeah!! With everything I got.”

“What a mess… I’ve never been here,” he said trying to come with terms with it.” I know how I feel… I know how blue you feel.” What now?

I am  so glad you fell in love with me.” I told him.  “That is why I want to be sure it was me.”

And he asks me again, “you won’t even send me a dirty picture?”

Idk… I told him. “But you never know, I might. But not tonight.

I guess he getting angry again because he said,” you are so clean… you can lie and betray me… but a picture of your pussy is out of the question… sounds funny right? But baby a picture of your pussy can be my choosing.”

Come on…” I say.

“I can tell you how to pose or what to do and know you are being honest. He tells me. “If you want to earn my trust that is your only chance.”

So I told him, “I have done it in the past with bad consequences.”

“Too bad.” He said.

“Don’t be mean Allen it doesn’t suit you,” I told him.

“This is your last chance before I delete and block you…” he threatened.

“Oh my goodness!!!! I exclaimed.

I really did not want him to do that, but… I was not going to give any dirty pictures and if it meant him deleting or blocking me… then so be it.

“I will not use anything and I am not mean…” he informs me. So far that’s all on you. You’d know already if I was an asshole… am I? He asked.

“Why is this picture so important to you?” I ask him.” No, no you are not an asshole.” I told him. {Of course he not, he never was. until now.. and somehow, I can understand  his behavior.. he is just hurt and confused and in love and being played a fool by me.)

“Because it’s personal!!!” he answered me. “You have one chance to get personal; take it or leave it.”

I’m leaving it… I thought.

“But it’s on line…” I told him.

“Broken heart and all… I’m hurt… but I’m not an asshole… will I make you prove shit? Yup… if you don’t want to. It’s real easy… delete … me…” he threatens me again.

Here he was all trying to act mean and nasty to me; but I was not buying it in the least. In the  weeks I have known him, if there is one thing I have learnt about him is that he is the kindest man alive. I saw through him like a looking glass. He is only hurting right now all because o me.

“OMG!!!” I shouted out. “You are different.”

“I have no idea why we are still talking”. He told me.

Quite frankly I don’t either. I’m glad that we are because I really calm down and it is due to the fact, because he was talking to me. And the more he talks the more my emotions got under control. Just having him there with me was so calming and was glad he choose to stay with me, I hope he realize just what it means to me for having him talking to me even though I know he was trying to figure out why I did what I did to him.

I was so drawn to him and was so fascinated with him that the more time I spent with him the more I want of him. And yes I choose to hang on to him with false pretense and trickery very selfishly and end up hurting us both. Would I do it again? Yes. Yes, to feel what I have felt and have him loving me with that intense passion, so blazingly hot; yes I definitely would, only next time I would not use trickery. Then maybe, instead of going through this predicament, I would be wrapped up in his sweet loving arms making passionate and explosive love and just enjoying him to the fullest. WOW!!! Only in my dreams.

“I fell in love.” He said. “With nothing real. Yes this me angry… I don’t hate… it just hurts.

“I am real.” I told him.

I know you are.” He said. “I felt you.”

“And you don’t like me… right now? I ask.

It’s not that,” he says. “I’m totally confused, I fell in love with you… but you played me… tricked me. I am really romantic or I was.”

“If you love me, don’t push me away, I asked of him. “I’m sorry, so very sorry, you were the best.” I told him.

Then he told me, “I forgive you Wendy, I really do.”

Thank you for that.” I told him.

I just have to adjust, and let us happen.” He said to me. “But Idk if I can trust you… Idk … things are a mess. I know I fell in love with someone.”

So I told him, “you see you are that sweet man…trusting me will take time I guess… but I didn’t deceive you intentionally.”

“I forgive you Wendy,” he said. “I have to sleep on this.

I wanted him to understand why I deceive him, so I told him, “it was the way you ask if I was that black girl… let’s… [Sleep on it.]Please don’t block me just yet?

Then he said the most wonderful thing, “merry Christmas baby… to the beautiful girl I fell in love with…

“ok, so I asked that for a reason! I won’t.” [Blocking me.]

I like that!!” I let him know. “Me beautiful.”

And for the first time I knew he meant me when he called me beautiful. And I smile.

“I am in love… I will see it through.” He told me.

“Oh you are so wonderful.” I complimented him.

“Maybe I fucked up bad… either way I will see it through. He informs me. I’m upset that you deceive me… but that does not negate my feelings. I am in love for a reason.”

All of a sudden I was feeling happy that I confess to him; he makes me think he is willing to redirect the love he feels to me. And It give me hope that maybe; just maybe I do have a chance with him. And I want it… so far all night this is first time I felt positive and was willing to give me a chance.

So I told him, “Now I’m glad I told you. I was very worried that it would end us. Yes you are.”

So we play the game for a bit and see how things shake out…. Right? He said.” either way love can’t be blind.”

I was getting a bit enthusiastic about us and I started to smile in anticipation of an us.

I’m with you lover,” I told him enthusiastically. “I feel so good…I’m now sure it’s me and not that picture.”

“And so we love… and sort shit out… that’s how I’m going to sleep tonight… I won’t judge… I will let time do that.” He told me.

“Sounds good to me my sweet Allen.” I told him. “You must be the greatest guy alive.”

I was so thrilled that he was thinking about us positively and he wants to try with me. I was quite happy for the hope he puts in my heart and for the assurance of his love; and again, I was amazed by him.

“Wendy… the picture gives me a visual… now a horrible one… it’s up to you to create a new visual”. He told me. “That’s why I started so perverted… please take all those images and replace them? I don’t to see her anymore… I want to see the woman I fell in love with.

I don’t have one with just me that was why I use the one with her.” I told him. I take awful pictures. Not too photogenic… but I’m going to work on some for you.”

Then I told him, “Oh my… you must be the best guy ever to love me.”

So I went searching in my album, trying to find a picture of me that look half decent to send to him. So I found that I was smiling and two of me with Barbara, Gail and Ayden. I sent them and comment, “That’s me… I know… with crazy ass sisters.

He did not respond so I thought he went to sleep and thought let me get some sleep too. I was a little exhausted emotionally, but right now I was feeling at ease knowing that “MY SWEET Allen’ was loving me… Wendy Wakanita… I was pleased and very calm, and that was good for me.

I was really happy he stayed with me and give me the chance to calm my emotions ; I do believe we are truly in love and all this exhilarating and jubilant emotions are all real, not only for me but for him too. Yes, yes we are definitely, absolutely and crazy in love. So we will allow time to be the judge of our outcome.

After what I did… I am only grateful that he still takes the time to talk and stayed with me this long. Does he know how very special that makes him? –

I turn off the light and smile; I was smiling this time instead of crying; and I hope comes tomorrow he will still feel the same; I wanted for him so much to love me, because I love him so very much… and I hope he stays and let us work it out… we are in love for a reason. [isn’t that what he said?]

And I drifted off to sleep smiling and with great hope… and for the first time at ease knowing he recognized me as me .. and his words kept playing in my head… and I said a little prayer.. ” DEAR GOD.. MAKE HIM LOVE ME… ME!!!

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TO BE CONTINUED…

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11

https://itun.es/us/Nqh1_?i=1070887985

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I JUST SAT THERE WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY EYES, MY HEART BREAKING; THINKING OF ALL TIMES I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TRUTH; AND WONDERING IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS CHANCE I HAD; TO KNOW HIM AND LOVE HIM LIKE I DID.. IF I HAD… WISHING I HAD THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY TO HIM TO CONVINCE HIM TO STAY… KNOWING IT’S TOO LATE ANYWAYS… I HAVE LOST HIM. HE MUST REALLY HATE ME NOW… FOR TAKING AWAY THAT PRETTY SMILE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL… AND WISHED WITH ALL MY HEART, AGAIN, THAT HE COULD LOVE ME… THAT I COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HIM AND BE A PART OF HIS MOST ENTICING WORLD… BUT HE IS GONE AND I’M LEFT HERE WITH MY MISERY AND A HEART FULL OF SO MUCH LOVE AND DEEP DESIRE FOR HIM.

AND I SIT THERE… MY MIND FLASHING BACK TO ALL HE HAS SAID TO ME… AND ALL THE PASSION AND LOVE WE FELT AND SHARE FOR AND WITH EACH OTHER; GOING OVER THE PAST WEEK AND A HALF… RELIVING EVERY PRECIOUS MOMENT WE SPENT. MISSING HIM… WANTING HIM…LOVING HIM AND LONGING FOR HIM.

An HOUR HAS PASS, I WAS TRYING TO  ACCEPT, AND COME WITH THE TERMS THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE HEARING FROM HIM… WHEN A TEXT CAME IN… I JUMPED SO HARD, NOT EXPECTING IT, AND I GOT ALL OVERLY EXCITED… MY HEART STARTED TO THUD BEATING WILDLY… AND WITH SHAKING HANDS, PICKED UP THE PHONE AND THERE HE WAS…

“Baby…” he said. “ I don’t care what she thinks… that isn’t right! I care what you think. You haven’t lost me… I’m pretty confused though.”

“What do you mean,” I asked, confused and perplexed..

(I was slightly smiling; very pleased with what he said about, I haven’t lost him..a little hopeful)

“Wendy we need t connect as us,” he told me.

“I want that too,” I answered.

“Do you shave your pussy?” He asked.

(what!!!!????)

I was a little disturbed by his question but I have him back, talking to me and I want him to stay.

So I told him, “yeah.”

“If not…now is the time,” he told me.

“Why?” I inquired.

“I want a mouthful of your pretty pussy… tell me what I got.” He asked.

I said to myself, oh man I am not, no way feeling sexual right now.

So I told him, “I’m really not too good at this.”

I was not… truthfully… and I was in no mood for it. But I thought, let me play along with him and entertain his desire… at least I will have him talking to me; and I need to keep him with me as long as I can…

“I’m horny… I need pussy… let’s cum please… tell me why it’s us… let me taste you.” He was saying. ‘Do you have big or small pussy lips? Do you like to have your pussy sucked on? He was asking.

I was wondering… how does he feels horny right now. I couldn’t feel anything; I was still shaken up and unsure and perturbed.

So I answered, “Small and yes.”

“Does your clit get big or stay small? He kept on asking. “Do you liked to get sucked till you come?

I again answered, “Small and yes.

I was a little annoyed at his questions but I did not want to tell him to stop this ..because I did not want him to stop talking to me; and I was afraid e would leave again… You see as long as he is here with me, the more relaxed and calmer I became and my hysterical emotions were slowly fading.

“After I take care of you and make you cum over and over… would you like to swallow my load? He asked of me.

So I thought, “Let’s see if I can try to do this.”

I did not like this right now… and I did not like his questions, and I’m wondering… why is he acting like this… is it because he now knows I’m no virgin, and he is able to be more open sexually… why?

… He said. “You have to… I will make you cum hard… over and over and over.”

“Here we go,” I said defeated. “Yes”

“And then I will suck your pussy and take all you can give me, and then… you will be on your knees and swallow my cum… every drop.” He was letting me know.

“I can’t keep up to you,” I told him. “Ok anything for my man.” I give in.

“That’s my girl!!! What a great answer! That is what I would have said. He exclaimed.

So I just play along just to keep him there with me.

“Tell me what you want and I will deliver.” I l told him.

“Whatever it takes to make my girl cum hard… that’s what I want!” He tells me. “Oh man! So you will do the same.”

So I said,” it’s your turn to get yours.”

“Tell me what it takes… to fuck your pussy up way hard!!! He asks. And I’m on it.

And I just try playing along.

“And I’m willing to be your freak tonight.” I let him know.

“I need my girl to swallow… that is important to me…” he informs me. Spread that pussy sexy girl. But f.y.i. I will need pictures moving forward.” he let me know.

I thought hell no way!!!!!…. I starting to feel really bad about this conversation  we were having and the direction it was going  and I started to  feel violated. But…

“OMG!!! I really don’t do pictures.” I told him.

“I have a big thick cock for you baby… but we have to share…

“Willing to,” I let him know.

“Pictures have to happen” he says. “Good girl!!! This will be fun.”

“No pictures please…” I pleaded.

“Nope… stop… pictures or no deal.” He says sounding upset…

So I asked, “What kind are you talking about?”

“Pussy all spread out… yup… that bad… for real though…why, be Kinda dirty…show me what’s mine baby… let’s play.” He kept on.

“Sorry no can do… I’m not into that.” I told him.

“Ok bye.” He said.

“Can’t it be visual like before?” I asked.

“We are done here… too much deception… I call the shots or it’s over… no more games.” He told me.

I realize that he is about to go again and I was starting to get all fearful all over, I want him to stay with me so I thought I need to try to give him what he wants.

“Ok tell me again what is it you want.” I ask him.

“I want a picture of your pussy up close… and your face… and your tits… “He informs me.

I tried calling him by phone, but he refuses; I was thinking if I could talk to him it would be much better because my texting sucks and I am not able to say what I would like to. And he is texting way too fast for me to keep up to him.

“I won’t answer… he said. We have to connect before we go any further … it’s all up to you.

I didn’t like his answer and I was starting to think he really hates me to be talking to me like this and making all these outrageous requests….

So I told him, “aaahh man… now you using me like a ‘ho’ “[whore]

I was feeling disrespected and feel like he really hates me to be treating me so foul. I was thinking he is trying to hurt me for hurting him; for taking away Paige and replacing her with the likes of me. I’m no substitute.

“No stop… let’s stop now then… we are done… it was cute… I was manipulated and now you want me to respect you…. It’s over.” He told me off. “Night.” He says.

So I told him, “all the sweet mess is gone, you are now cold and want to hurt me back for what I did to you… guess I deserve that.”

He says, “Nope… I want you to be vulnerable… but you will never be… but I was… bye.”

I know I have to let him go… it’s no use trying  and hoping… the damage has been done…. I felt his pain and I know how much he was hurting and I hate me as much as he did right now. I realize too late just how cruel I was for leading him on with all my false pretense and no matter what my excuses were, there is no justification for my actions. I have hurt him in a bad way and he genuinely loves the girl I was supposed to have been; and it can’t be undone. I mess up big time.

So I lamely told him, “I’m really sorry again… bye Allen, it was really a treat knowing you. Love you anyways… always..:

And then I thought I’d try to tango him using the camera. But again he refuses…

I thought he was gone again…  he has stop texting but again he surprises me with a response.

“You blew it Wendy… I’m sorry but that shit hurt… you are mean… I was open and honest.”

I started to cry again because I knew he was right and I did not know how to console him; did not know what to say to him; did not know if it would have even mattered anyway. I have cause pain to the sweetest and dearest man there is; and I was feeling his every pain I inflicted and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I know… but I hurt my feelings too…” I said so pathetically. “I just like your face so much.” I told him trying to explain my reason behind all my cruel deception, wanting him to understand.

“Ha-ha,” he laughed sarcastically. That is sweet but you mess my head all up.”

And I continue trying to explain and excuse my behavior, “and I know you would not want to talk to me… so I use Paige as bait. And I’m glad I did”

This seems to trigger off his anger again, because he said very angrily, “stop! I’m offering to fuck… and you know me… don’t you? He asked. “So take my cock and make me love you… or let me go…this is all I have. This is your mess… so fix it… it is your call.”

I did not know how to fix it and I refuse to go the way he is asking. I’m not going to lower my standard and let him think I am sleazy. It was important to me for him to think I am a nice girl and I won’t degrade myself…

So I told him, “I can’t be that cheap, I want what you were offering Paige…..

“Ok then, we are done here,” he let me know. “You can’t be as cheap as I have been for a while now. We have both hit our limit.” He told me still angry and bitter.

…“But I know I can’t have it or you.” I finished saying. “Story of my life.” I said sadly.

“I was in love… you could have saved that… you don’t know how… so we are done. Let it end.” He finally said.

He was right… I have to let it end…. I did not know how to save us; I did not know what I should say or could say; and I didn’t think we could be saved, because I still was thinking he’s never ever going to like me or be able to redirect his love to my face.

So I agreed with him to end it,” ok my sweet sweet Allen… I had it all ..and I wanted you  so so bad.. and I’m so happy with what we had.”

Then he tells me, “I’ll always love what we may have had… it was beautiful.”

Agreed.” I said.

He then tells me,” I hope you learned something…”

“I have.” I told him. “A valuable lesson.”

“It hurts me…” he said, “but I get it… my bad. So I don’t go beyond that first night anymore.”

Then he went a little crazy and said, “Give me pussy or fuck off … that is how it works now…”

(I kinda ignore that outburst because I didn’t know how to responded..)

So I told him, “You love Paige…. Not me… I know.”

“No I could never be in love with an underage girl… he told me. “That isn’t who I am. She is a kid… I don’t see kids as something attainable. Nope… nice try though.”

“I mean the picture of,’ I told him. “You did not know that she was so young.”

“I was in love with you… he let me know, “I never fell in love with her pictures.”

The word ‘was’ hit me like a log. He has stopped loving me.

So I ask him, “then why are you treating me like this. I’m not so bad you know.” {Me trying to convince him to like me.}

“I fell in love with the personality,” he was telling me. “So stop trying to play it. I fell in love with you.”

(this comment make me feel so good hearing saying that he loved me…)

It’s still me.” I try to assure him.

“And that fucks you up” he let me know. “And it should… all I need was a connection… you gave me that… now you want me to forgive you for playing with my heart?

“And you have the connection still…I’m trying to assure him. “I did not play with your heart… I truly love you… I may have tried to be Paige but it was me all the way.” Trying to convince him that I’m still the same girl he feel in love with.

He has stop texting and I realize he did not buy it.. he is gone; my heart sinks again and the tears return. I was so full of self pity wishing I could find the right words to save us.. I was back to sobbing again crying my heart out..

And I said, “Can’t believe how much I fucked up so bad. Oh, how I wish I could take it all back… but then again… I would never have experience the joys of you. Thank you for it all… you are still the best thing ever to me. And for all it’s worth it… I love you; love you so very much.

He was gone again and I sit there again just thinking about what he said about loving me and how much I wanted to believe him; thinking about his earlier request for a picture and all he said to me and how I was thinking and feeling and I wonder…. Was he testing me? Was he trying to see if I would have agreed to compromise my honor? Seeing that I used lie and deceits to be able to talk to him, what else would I do to hold on to him? How far was I willing to go?

I wanted so bad to make it right, for him to like me for me. But somehow, deep down I know he never will; I still was not fully convinced that it was not Paige picture he fell in love with. I still could see him visualizing Paige, wanting her, and I know I could never give him me because I am not so appealing. I’m here loving him and wanting him and knowing that he could never feel that way for me.

I know he is hurting too; I can feel and sense his sorrow from all he had said to me; he is angry and confused; it was just a few hours ago he was telling me how much he was he was so fortunate to have me in his life and just how much he loves me. And I wish I know how to make it right for him. Wish I knew….

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TO BE CONTINUED………

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE: part 10c

This sequence is the beginning of the end… and is a little lengthy… I hope you all will take the time to read it.. this was my hardest episode to write… I have tears in my eyes reliving it all..  I Did fall very deeply in love with “MY SWEET ALLEN” ..and through the tears …. I’m smiling because it happen.. WHAT A MOST AWESOME AND A MOST WONDERFUL AMAZING LOVE FOR ME TO HAVE EXPERIENCE… SMILING HUGE!!!!

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AS I SAT THERE FIGHTING WITH MYSELF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BUILD UP THE COURAGE TO CONFESS MY DECEPTION.. I’M TRYING To UNDERSTAND THIS EXTREME EXTENT OF OUR INTENSE FEELINGS …. And HOW MUCH I’M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN…. while 

HE IS DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR ME  MAKING ME LOVE HIM ALL THE MORE…

 

 

“I’m here Christmas night loving you… and I want more… He was declaring, ‘that my position… no threats. Just promises I won’t be a fucking creepy stalker if you get scared and want to think… is that a bad position? He asked of me.

I read what he wrote about loving me and wanting of more; and I said, no more Wendy Wakanita, no more; tell him; you have to… I couldn’t go on lying to him any longer; he was sincerely in love; and he definitely don’t deserve this kind of deception.… and then I know this means it will be over for me; and I started to shake violently and again my heart was beating so hard against my chest; I was so nervous, my head was spinning, I couldn’t even type. I didn’t even know how to make the approach. So I try to steady my hands…

And I said, let me ask you a question… now don’t get mad…

(I was so emotionally upset… I just know telling him is going to be bad.. I fear  his reaction.. and my eyes was fill with tears… I couldn’t even see.. my hands was trembling… so nervous.. I don’t want to do this… I really don’t…)

He laughed and said,”Ok”

And so I asked him, ‘did you fall in love with my pictures… or did you fall for me by talking to me? Kinda stupid question isn’t it? But… ”

It was us talking,’ he told me. “I’m a very emotional person… the physical thing falls in place once I feel someone.”

What did I say to get you hooked? I wanted to know.

I was so poor and lousy with my conversation, that I was thinking, I did not say anything so wonderful for him to fall for me this way. I was convinced it was the picture of Paige that he liked so much that got him hooked.

“Everything … he said. “It was your honesty most levy…. Mostly… and that you were really easy to open to…. No threat… but willing to share… I am a protector… so you played into my likes without even knowing.”

My honesty???  but I wasn’t… I sat there reading all he was saying, shaking and afraid. I am about to lose him. And I was getting very hysterical emotionally; and was paralyzed with fear. I was starting to sob and the tears were flowing heavily.

And I asked… shakily… ‘and if you found out that was not really me? Would you be angry that the girl you fantasize is not real?

“The pictures were a bonus… he said. I could see physical attributes I like… But when we first started taking I didn’t have that… so I went off how we interacted… that’s all I had. .. I have no idea … if I was catfished?

Then he says the most unbelievable thing, ‘no… I mean we would start over with trust… because that would hurt… but I’m huge on second chances.”

I think, wow!! What a guy….never expected an answer like that; Took me by surprise.

So I told him, “the best answer yet: what’s catfished? I asked.

I was a little calmer but I was still very nervous and even with all his answers, I was convinced he was not going to like me.

“Tricked.” he answered. “So if  you aren’t the person in the pictures or you were not honest and really want to see if we are compatible… Now is the time to come clean… because I feel connected.”

“Suppose she is not a looker.” I asked.

(I was thinking it’s paige’s pictures that he fell for)

Wendy… out with it please.” He pleaded. Please.” He insisted.

I was so afraid to say it because I know it would mean the end of him. And I so much did not want it to end. Any way I reached this far… no turning back…

So I said, “Allen … I’m Wendy Wakanita… but not the girl in those pictures.”

And I start to cry even more, I was sobbing and I kind of expect him to stop texting… But instead he asked me…

“Let me start with my first concern… how old are you?

“40” I told him…. Well I can easily pass for 40 and on some days even 35.

Ok I can live with that,” he says. “Jesus… What a relief… ok let’s have it.

“I thought you liked them young,” I told him

“Wrong.” He said.

I’m afraid you are not going to like me if you know who I am.” I said to him.

“You are the youngest girl I’ve talked to. I like girls that can hang physically… because I can fuck forever… but I don’t like young girls because they are young… if that makes sense.”

“Maybe you are right… I mean … but what do you have to lose.” He said in response to him not liking me.

I kind of understand what he was saying but not totally convinced about it. And I was thinking… here I am trying to find a man to keep up to me… without much success, that I give up trying, thinking all men 40’s and up is useless in the bed… and after my experience with “MYLOVE-LOVE… I refuse to do young guys for fun. And here I found this most passionate guy who could match my long distance marathon; and I’m ending up losing him because he would rather a young girl in her 20’s to run with. A tall thin girl with perfect teeth and a beautiful smile; his type and preference; I’m no comparison. Paige and I are completely opposite. If only he could have liked me; but… that is not going to be possible.

So I told him, “I’m the aunt.’

“You have made a mess; let’s fix it.’ He said surprisingly. “Ok so you are the aunt?

“And so what is it you want? What are you looking for? Help me understand. Do you want to experience us? I mean I totally fell in love with you… I might need to think things through because I’m a little hurt… but what do you want? Ok I’m a lot hurt.”

And I sit there crying my heart out ; couldn’t even steady my hands to text; reading what he asking; knowing no matter what I say to him, he’s never going to like me; thinking I want you… all I want is you… I love you… I love you so much… but it’s not me you love…

I decided to send one of my pretty photo I took fifteen years ago when I was proud of me and my smile was pretty.

He comments on it on say, “ok that’s a nice picture.”

I then say, I do… I do…” {To, do you want to experience us}

I did not know what to say to him, there he was telling me that he is hurt and I know he would be; and here he was still texting me trying to make sense of it all; and I have nothing… nothing… I was lost for words…  all that was in mind was I have lost him; it’s over and I was expecting him to stop texting me and forget about me; but he kept on and as long as stayed with me texting I became calmer and my extreme emotional state that I found myself in start to slowly dissipate.

He then say, “ok, then please let’s start over… please… we can start as us.”

Start over??!!!! oh my!!!!…  I couldn’t hardly believe he was saying this t me…

“Ok.” I said kinda excitingly.

So you are Maxine? He asked.

“Yeah… I’m Maxine too.” I admitted.

And I think, oh sh….t, he now knows what I look like for real from the picture of me with Paige. I start to get nervous again because that’s an ugly picture of me, and I know he definitely will not like me.

Then he of course changes his mind, “ok I have to process this… but I promise I am not done… I swear I fell in love with you…I have to figure out if I can trust you now… that’s all.

He was saying all the right things but I was thinking all the wrongs things. I was glad to see that he was really nice about it; but I was still convinced in my mind that he wanted Paige. I wasn’t giving me a chance.

So I told him, “I’m sorry but I’m shaking so much… I’m kind of relief that you take it so good.

“Let’s see how things go… maybe we can fix it.” He tells me. I don’t know… I’m Kinda a mess though… I feel so stupid.”

I know he was a little confused about it all; and i was still worried about him… but as much as I want him to like me…  I just know that he is not going to like me..

So I told him, “So, so happy I’m right about you, because I’m so in love with you.

I was trying to tell him that I was happy to know I was right to think he was really a sweet and sincere man and all that he’s now saying to me proves me right.

What you did was mean,” he told me. “But thank you for fixing it and allowing us to salvage something!

“I was feeling sorry doing that when I realize how special you are.” I let him know.

“Ok well we work on us… as one then …ok? He asked of me. “Totally honesty please.”

I felt a little hopeful with what he said. And I thought I can’t text fast enough to explain to him, or try to apologize to him, maybe he will let us talk by phone where it would be easier for me to tell him how and what I am feeling.

So I ask him, “Maybe we can voice call now? ….

I promise.” I told him about being honest.

He was not responding and I thought he had stopped and my heart sinks again.

So I asked, “Are you gone?”

I start to cry again, and try to apologize, “I’m so, so sorry, thanks for not being too mean to me… Trusting me is not going to be easy, and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me. I was never the lovable type, a guy like you are only in my dreams. I figured you would not love me so much if you knew I was not that sexy girl.” (and I just keep on saying the things I was thinking … making me looking worst with each word..

I thought for sure he was done with me, and I was crying and wallowing in self-pity; wanting him so badly to like me but knows that he couldn’t and wouldn’t, I have all the reasons why he couldn’t… and to me they were valid.

And then he’s back, and through the tears I smile,

“ok please tell your name… your real name so we start over.”

I wrote, “Wendy Wakanita Maxine .”

“But you missed something huge… sexy is not a look. He told me.

I said, “I beg to differ.”

“Ok I love the name,” he told me. And you prefer Wendy?

Actually now Nita” I let him know with a smiley face..

“Well first impressions are one thing… but anyone can be sexy.” He said to me

.”Awwww” he responded to me wanted to be called by his nickname for me.

‘And so …. What would you like for us Nita? He asks me.

“Everything you promised.” I let him know, “the whole works.”

I was getting a little excited and hopeful that he wants to try to make us work; I was also pleased to have him still talking to me and allowing me to calm down from my hysteria. And again I was just so amazed how wonderful he is. I couldn’t believe that he is still talking to me and even offering me a chance to be with him; after I hurt him like this. Here I was, again in awe of him. WOW!!

Then he said to me, “and please don’t thank me for being nice… I will always be nice… shouldn’t everyone be? He asks of me. He laughed at me wanting everything and the works. “Hahaha! Ok! Let’s start as us.”

“Ok let’s.” I confirmed.

“And we go from there… at least we can have an honest go at it right? He asked. “Also … were you Cumming … playing with your pussy when we talked? Was that real? He wanted to know.

“You are so amazingly wonderful.” I was complimenting him. {For wanting to make a go with us.}

“Yes” I told him, “I always have; that was real.”

And so that was real; ok, that’s feels nice. I’m glad I shared that. He stated. And do you have children? He asks. “

I did not want to lie any more to him; no matter what the consequence I am going to be totally honest with him from now on.

So I admitted, “The Irish and the Chinese. My first husband is the Irish man… I have had three husbands; I’m kind of not too lucky with my choices, my second died, he was the best of the lot.”

I realized he had stop texting; I was getting worried that he is gone again. But I kept on saying what I was saying hoping he will resume.

So I asked him, “Are you seriously thinking of giving us a chance?

Still nothing from him, my eyes felt teary but I was not too emotional like earlier, much calmer, but I was a bit apprehensive.

“You are not feeling me right now, are you? I ask him. You have lost the joy, haven’t you?

I waited a few minutes, still nothing and now I was convinced that he is finally gone. And I was full of morose. And I started to think again that he wanted Paige; this beautiful young girl; not an old fart like me, with two grown children. There goes my everything, I thought. My whole world just crashes… and I’m left with nothing, he is gone… gone for good. I found him… and he was grand… perfect…sensational… and I was so ecstatic… thrilled….and was so profoundly delighted and so full of joy.

So I kept on talking to him just so to keep calm and not get back to that state I was in.

So I told him, “if she old enough to date I told her I would have given her to you… but she is only 14; she thinks you are hot… if that’s any consolation.”

“How I wish I could command your love.” I told him sobbing. ‘but I know you could not like me…I’m that cute or lovable… all in all my sweet, sweet Allen, I have enjoyed you tremendously, and I do love you so very much… but I got it… a man like you would never look my way twice… it’s just my luck… falling in love with someone way out of my reach…I’m so sorry… you didn’t deserve it; you are too nice and special and perfect. My blue eyes… right out of my dreams. You are everything in a man I have always dreamed of.”

After a few minutes of thinking and weeping; realizing that he is really gone I sat there praying he would come back, wanting him to resume his texting but I knew it was over and I started to cry again, feeling lost and numb… I lost him… omg … I have lost him…

“You are gone aren’t you? I text. “I have lost you… my worst fear has come true.”

..I was feeling so empty and so alone…there was a big void… I missed him… and I’m left with this great love for a man I couldn’t have….

And I just keep texting even though I know he was not there anymore; I just want to get it out, what I was feeling, trying to ease this excruciating pain I was experiencing.

“I f…ked up real bad… I know… but thank you for the most memorable; exciting; glorious; time I ever had; the best sex without even a touch; I was on top of the world for a moment. I flew to places I have never been to; I am totally in love with a man I never knew; with only the power of his words; you are the most beautiful; most genuine; most understanding; most wonderful man alive. And I had the honor to know you. What a most amazing and awesome experience for me.

“In all my 43 years, I become the most fortune woman alive to have crossed path with you. LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS…. IT GIVES ME YOU… wonderful incredible you. And I will be always loving you… thank you again for the experience of you, “MY SWEET, SWEET Allen” Did not mean to hurt you, it was never my intention… I will not bother you no more… but I would love to hear from you…even if it for some of your visual sex”..I ended humorously….  Wendy WAKANITA.

I sit there crying… wishing I didn’t pretend to be Paige; wondering if I had been myself if he would have loved me like this. I was not hysterical anymore and I was glad he stayed with me long enough to allow me to calm down; I was hurting real badly and wanted so much to still have him talking to me; to feel him close; but I know he is done with me. I was so in love with him and I prayed, “god … please fix it… fix it… please fix it…please god; bring him back to me; please god… he says he love me… let it be true and let him see me as me.” And I cried and cried some more.. I was sobbing and the tears was warm running down my face…my heart was breaking… I was numb and so devastated;

Don’t know why I was acting so extremely emotional; it’s not like me… I’m always so cold and unattached; but somehow … my emotion were so intense and uncontrollable… is it because I am in the wrong?… and I know it?…is it because I don’t know him and I have built him up to suit my fantasy of him?… I don’t know… all I know is that I’m hurting real bad and that he is gone for good;

His love was like a gentle breeze that turns into a storm…and it carried me away and spins me in a whirlwind of exhilarating emotions and desires that was so intense; that it left me so ecstatic; and I had the time of my life…and I owe it all up to him. It was providence… like a divine intervention. And no matter what… I think he was my fortunate serendipity [finding a very pleasant and valuable thing by chance} and it was by mere chance I found him… But I went and mess it all up; with lies and deceptions because of insecurities and lack of self-esteem.

#######################################################

WE LAUGH UNTIL WE HAD TO CRY:

AND WE LOVE RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE

WE WERE THE BEST I THINK WE’LL EVER BE

JUST YOU AND ME… FOR JUST A MOMENT.

WE CHASE THAT DREAM WE NEVER FOUND

AND SOMETIMES… WE LET ONE ANOTHER DOWN

BUT THE LOVE WE SHARE, MADE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

WE SHONE SO BRIGHT… FOR JUST A MOMENT…

TIME GOES ON… WE TOUCHED… AND THEN WE’RE GONE

AND YOU AND I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN, LIKE WE DID THEN

SOMEDAY WHEN WE BOTH REMINISCE… WE’LL BOTH SAY…

THERE WASN’T TOO MUCH WE MISSED

AND THROUGH THE TEARS… THE SMILE WHEN WE RECALLED

WE HAD IT ALL… FOR JUST A MOMENT

TIME STILL GOES ON; AHHH; WE TOUCHED… AND YOU ARE GONE

BUT, YOU AND I… WILL NEVER REALLY END…WE WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN… LIKE WE DID THEN.

WE LAUGH AND WE LOVE… RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE.
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TO BE CONTINUED…….

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10b

I SIT THERE WISH I COULD TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID.. KIND OF FEARING HIS RESPONSE… BUT I STILL WAS KIND OF AMAZED WITH THE EXTREME INTENSITY OF EMOTIONS WE WERE BOTH EXPERIENCING.

He answered me after a few moments…

Nita!! Omg baby… I’m missing you!” he exclaimed. “You make me laugh and love!

“How do I do that?” I asked.

Baby… so what do you think? He asked me.

About what?” I wanted to know.

You must know by now that I am real…and that my feelings are real too.” He said to me.

“I do… I think.” I told him.

I realized what I started and I did not want to go this path; not tonight. And he is so quick to pick up on my feelings of doubts. He is so sensitive to me; he can always sense what I was thinking and feeling… all the time… doesn’t know how he does it.

“You have been back through it… I haven’t, I just know that I do things one way… I either care or I don’t… I really don’t have much in between.

So I told him, “I don’t mean to question our feelings.”

I want to exit from this path it was going.

Then he went to explaining to me, why, “I became emotional with you when you felt real to me… and the more you open up the more I fell… Nita…you know I will be respectful if you have reservations right?

I did not want to hear all this…. I didn’t…

Then I told him,” How I wish I could explain things as good as you do.”

I sit there thinking …look what I started…

“I will allow you as much time as you’d like to sort things out or even go away if you feel that is the best… he tells me.

No… no… no… I don’t want that, I was thinking. It’s funny how frightful I get whenever he mention or suggest leaving or stopping. Yet I’m here know that it will.

And he continues to talk, “I am not here to make a stand or fight for something that isn’t mine… I will just continue to show my love and affection if you let me. That’s it. If you say this too much I will disappear …. Promise; Will it hurt? Hell yeah… will I do it? Yes.”

Man… I did not know what to say to him. And I was so scared that he was going to leave me. I was shaking by now very afraid that he is going to walk away. And I did not know how to stop him… or if I should.

And he kept on telling me, “You are in control of our fate as you know… I am giving you that because I want to be fair and responsible…. I’m sorry I messed you up again… it’s never my intention.

“I don’t mean anything like that, not in the least,” I let him know. “And when you started talking like this it scared the hell out of me.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I’m not so confident and sure of myself like you do.” I inform him.

“I’m empowering you. I can be super strong… I know you can be timid… this is me extending gratitude and love… even though it may ultimately hurt me. He tries to console me.

If only he knows the real truth behind my reservations… I thought.

And I’m trying to embrace it as best as I know how.” I tell him.

Then I ask of him, “Can we move on to a better conversation please? I really don’t want to think of you leaving.”

“If I had to said one thing outside, of us to you… as somebody watching… I’d say, trust your heart baby… it may steer you wrong but my god what if it doesn’t? Do you want to live in retrospect? I m not saying do something unreasonable… I’m saying, let yourself feel… it’s the most powerful gift ever… as you can see.”

That was just it… i was seeing the power and I was feeling the effects too… why did I start off playing this game of deception? because of all my lies, I can’t claim this love and passion that I have let myself feel… and claim this most wonderful powerful gift..

He’s there thinking all my reservation and hesitancy is due to my inexperience and being naïve… and I know it’s not. I just want to come off the subject all together. So I ignored all that he was saying.

“Yes we can go into something for sure! I’m sorry baby”. He tells me apologetically.

“I totally got it.” I let him know.

So tell me, how was your Christmas?’ he asked. “Did you have a nice day baby?”

“It was all good; my day was filled with thoughts of you.” I told him.

“Yes I know the feeling well.” He informs me. “Can I ask you something? You have sent me several pictures. But the one you posted is my favorite and if I look long enough… I can taste your kiss and the softness of your lips… That picture makes me want to kiss you so bad…”

I did not want to go there either; I don’t want to think of him loving Paige. I just want to completely enjoy him tonight without any thoughts of Paige and him gone. I don’t want any interference, not tonight… I have waited all day to be with him and I just want his complete attention on me. So again I ignored his statement.

So I ask him, ‘so tell me about the photos you sent me?”

“Ok ask anything… I will tell you.” He said.

“You seem so full of life; where is that mountain you were standing on? I asked.

“Btw it’s hard to find pictures of me! I mean I’m the one taking them usually! And I don’t do any social media… he wanted me to know. “I was in Colorado visiting a really good friend that is lawyer out there.”

“And the picture on the rock is the same place… I was waiting for him and his family… to finish a trail… anyway… I raced ahead on my horse to take pictures of them finishing this long hard ride. That’s my nigga!”

In between his telling me all this, I interjected, “your doggy reminds me of a dog we use to own…. And that’s my favorite.” {Referring to his picture on the rock.}

I’m so lousy with conversation; it’s unbelievable. I want to comment on his “nigga” word and his riding but he was writing so fast and I got way behind from reading what he was telling and trying to comment. After all this time I was still on his face on the rock. :).

“You look really, really look good; and those eyes… ooooh baby… baby.’ I commented.

“I love him and he is really sweet… a good boy”. He wants me to know.

He then tries to explain the picture on the rock seeing that I was so mesmerized with it…

“I laid on that rock because I was all sweaty and it looked like the coolest place to relax at the moment…. I dropped my keys in the water no long after that picture.” He laughed at the memory of it. Hahaha!! Not so relaxing! Good thing I was on a horse.”

I was quite enjoying all the stories of his adventures and I was again I was in admiration of him. He seems to live life to its fullest. And how I wish I could be a part of his life and share in all his wonder and delightful adventures. There goes the man of my dreams; and that’s the only place he is going to be.

And I wanted to know, ‘are these all recent?” I asked.

“In one picture I was with another guy… that was my brother… he died a few years ago… long sad story for another day. But I wanted to share something super personal.” He answered.

The one with my brother is the oldest… 2.5 years old. “He informed me. “The rest was in last year.”

And I moved on to the picture of him riding; what a poor conversationalist I am. And I like conversing so much. You’d think I would be better at it… but with him…i get so lost in thoughts and tonight I was really having a hard time staying focus.

“so you are a cowboy too? I asked him. “Am so sorry.” I told him. [About his brother}

“No silly… he said to me. “But I can ride a horse and have green broke a few.”

So isn’t that what constituted being a cowboy? I thought, laughing”

“It’s ok baby. Thank you,” he said to me being sorry about his brother.

I sent him three smiley faces. In reference to his explanation about not being a cowboy.

I raced motorcycles too… couldn’t find any pictures though… I’ll ask my sister she has tons… I’ll send you them when I get them;”

You do almost everything and anything!” I told him. “Me… nothing so outrageous.”

”well I just live… he told me. Life is short? So yeah… I try to live.

That’s good though.” I told him.

But baby… you are just starting…” he said observantly. “You only got one shot… make it count. Right?

“And I do admire you for it.” I let him know.

“But further, I love downtime… I like lying in the bed watching movies… hell yes.” He told me trying to make me feel equal and comforted, not so out-of-place seeing I was implying I would not be able to participate in his exciting and wild adventurous life.

Wow!!! He such a cool guy… there he goes trying to me feel good about my hobby of movies and reading.

Don’t know if I have the nerves or the guts.” I told him.

I have a long family history of being active,’ he told me trying to explain to me why is so active and adventurous. “But you don’t need either if you have trust.” He informs me. “If you trust me I will show you the world… but it will take lots of trust.” He let me know.

“Good for you, it shows,” I told him. “I think so too… lots. {Of trust}

“I am scared of nothing for real… He was saying. “I respect many things… that’s why I’m alive but fear nothing for the most part…. I just need a partner in… time… ha-ha! That’s perfect, we won’t do crime… so a partner in time! Someone to share life with… that want to experience it all!! Including movies in bed.”

I made a comment, “I don’t know why it’s s hard for me.”

I think I was still lagging way behind and it was in reference to our earlier conversation about having trust; {laughing} and it came after his speech about ‘partner in time’ and it was way out of context and of course misunderstood.

Because he says to me, “baby don’t let me mess you up… go with your heart and mind… I will always be respectful.”

So I said, a bit annoyed, “come on you are misunderstanding my comment again, please don’t go back there? I pleaded with him.

“We feel great to me… he was telling me. But I humbly know that I am only half of us… that is nothing…. I’m sorry,” he said about misunderstanding my comment.

“Why do you keep on threatening me with you out the picture? I asked him.

He said, “I can feel your hesitation… and as strong as I am… and can be… I don’t want to push anything. I’m sorry if I’m too sensitive… You know where I am… and what I want…

“I do” I told him.

About now I start to think, he is sensing my mood again, and he is saying all this stuff to me and I can’t and won’t be able to fulfill any his desires and dreams of me. He want this so bad. What am I doing to him? I need to stop this… he don’t deserve all my lies and deceits. God… I need to tell him.

I was fighting with myself…

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10

So I agonized and went through my anguish all morning and yes I had all kind of solution to my dilemma; all but the one I wanted; to hold on to him, to keep him… how very badly I wanted to… how very badly…. But I know that wasn’t an option. Anyways I was not planning on telling him today. I couldn’t… I still did not have the nerves; and I did not want to ruin his Christmas… what did he says… “What a perfect Christmas gift… us”. So I will wait… yes I will wait…

It was christmas eve..  it’s going to be a very busy day for everyone… especially at work..

So just before I get ready to go to work, I sent him a text…

“Hey you, how’s day going? I’m about to get ready for work. I woke up a bit late and had to some prepping for tomorrow. I know you might be busy today and tomorrow, so I’m not going to be expecting to hear from you. I will try when I come home tonight but with no expectations. I will be thinking of you until… LOVING YOU MUCH… Nita.

He must have been waiting all day for my text; of course… he is in love… just like I am… and so I immediately receive an answer….

“Happy Christmas eve beautiful!!!! I love you Wakanita!

Music to my ears and my heart did a somersault with love for him; and tears came to my eyes through the smile I had… oh my god!! I have to give all this up.

“I hope you have a great day at work and get to relax a little today; I will be thinking of you as always baby.” He was telling me. Smile baby… it’s the most beautiful smile ever and I’m certain it’s contagious!!

I could sense his desire to talk to me and connect; because more than anything, all I wanted was just to feel him close but I know my frame of mind was off and was afraid I may say the wrong things … knowing me… and he always can sense my mood and hesitancy and my doubts; and I did not want to go there today.

So I all I say to him was, “you are too sweet and I’ll be always smiling because I’ll forever thinking of you and as you know you are the one that put this smile on my face.” {No lie}

Perfect! And now I’m smiling pretty girl.”

I left it at that… I told myself I am going to shake this feeling and mood I’m in. I went to work thinking only of him with mixed emotions; Happy and sad.

It was an awful busy day at work…. there was a constant line with everyone doing their last-minute christmas shopping… didn’t even have time for a break.. but with all my preoccupation.. my mind still wanders off to “MY SWEET ALLEN”. I had to fight to say focus at times…

About 10:30 that night, my phone went off and keep going off for a few minutes, it was rather very busy so I could not sneak peek and get a look immediately; but I did, and saw he really did send a bunch of photos to my amazement. I did not quite expected so much; I was quite delighted and could not wait to really look at them. I was all smiles thinking he is so crazy and how very much I love this crazy ass of a guy. I was not thinking of anything else other than the fact…how very much I love him and how very wonderful he is and how fortunate for me to have him loving me. I was living in my fantasy world. So I waited very impatiently for the night to be over so I could focus on my Christmas gifts.

As soon as the door was closed… I retrieved my phone and eagerly read his text and take in all the pictures he sent..

“Here comes your Christmas present… before I go to sleep… I will be dreaming of us baby… I promise… he told me. “Pictures I found… I don’t have a lot of me… and you can ask questions if you like about the pictures I’m sending… up to you.” He told me. … Follows by about 30 pictures…

He sent pictures of him frolicking on the beach; with group of girls: him on a rock; in the plane; his bike; his dog; shows me his gun; even one holding a snake; on a mountain top; riding a horse; with his buddies in a bar; with a guy and with a very pretty girl with a most beautiful smile; him playing the guitar; his house; him putting up lights; and more…. And I could actually tell what kind of life he led, and I could visualize his life as it is. And he ends it with…

“Merry Christmas pretty girl!!!

I hurriedly finished up for the night and headed home. when I got settled , I again went over his text and photos.

And as much as I love and enjoy those photos to the max; it makes me realize just how special he really is and just how much he was in love with the girl I was supposed to be, for him to send me his life story without fear of me seeing and learning about him, it had me feeling like the biggest jerk and the worst kind of person there is… and it only convinced me more that I have to come clean with him; he is just too much of a nice guy to lead him on like this and give him the impression that I am for real. I am … but… I was not the girl in those deceiving pictures… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!…. How am going to do this; My head was spinning, and heart was thudding loudly against my chest, my throat became tighten and  restricted with a big lump there, the tears begins to flow and I felt like I’m going to pass out with fear… fear of losing him. I had to talk myself out of it and try to calm myself.

Anyways I ‘m still not going to tell him just yet… I just could not bring myself to… I did not even know how to approach the subject. So I decided to wish him merry Christmas and thank him for my most beautiful and best Christmas present ever….

“MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU MY Allen!! LIFE GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS: IT GIVES ME YOU!! (Taken from a card)

“SOME GIFTS YOU HOLD IN YOUR HANDS; SOME YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEARTS; so grateful for the blessing of you; ‘My Sweet AllEN ‘and I hold you my heart.”

“Well well well: thank you for all those photo shots of you, I told him. ‘I like that you send a variety of different things, like them all except the one with the snake; I’m deadly afraid of snakes.; pretty doggy; I particularly like the one that you are lying on a rock; you are really a gorgeous guy… through my eyes anyways… and you do horseback riding… Mmmm. You are really outdoor guy aren’t you? Which mountain top were you on.

“Anyways Allen let me go get some sleep to wake up early to get cooking. We will talk later and thank you for my Christmas gifts I enjoyed looking at them and learning about you. Seeing you doing different things allow me to be able to see how your life is. And you seem to be an outgoing guy and someone who enjoys having fun. You are always pleasant and smiling; I like that about you. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SWEET ALLEN!”

And I went to sleep, still a bit disturbed but thinking it is the best not to talk to him tonight; not with how I’m feeling right now.

i woke up early smiling… It was Christmas day… and even though I went to sleep a little apprehensive.. i did have a rather pleasant dream about allen.

He did not respond to me until Christmas morning about 9:43am.

“Merry Christmas beautiful lover.” he said. “I hope your day is off to a perfect start. I wish more than anything that I could give you a Christmas kiss! Have a great day pretty girl!”

Of course I saw it, from the minute he sent it, and I read it and visualizes that kiss from him; but I did not respond right away; I was still thinking about cutting him off and I just did not want to; and I was afraid anything I say to him right now might reflect my thoughts; I want us to enjoy this Christmas with hearts full of love for each other. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and I want to savor every bit of it.

I was full of excitement with this profound joy just thinking of him. I was bubbly on the inside and I pushed aside the thought of ending us for now. I was cooking and just loving him with everything I got. I was telling Meg, my daughter-in –law about him and about the predicament I was in and just how much emotions and desire I have for him. She try to advice me and encourages me that he might like me after all, seeing I am a pretty woman and I am a really nice person, {she might be a bit biased] and actually in reality it was me he fell in love with and not Paige.

She might be making some sense, but I did not believe any of it. I could not be convinced that he could love me… me… I could not see it. I was talking to her and realize I really have to end us… and I start to cry that I had to excuse myself and go and calm down. He was the height of my conversation all day; he was the only thing I could focus on. One minute I loved him; the next minute I was letting him go. I was on a roller coaster most of the day.

After I finished cooking, I took some time away from everybody and try to connect with him. I yearn so much for him; I need to feel him; I need to feel his love for me; I’m not going to break it off today, so let me just enjoy him as long and as much as I can.

So I answered his text, “”Merry Christmas my love! How’s your day going? I would have loved that Christmas kiss. … I’m here wanting more than anything just to reach out to you and connect. Seems I just can’t get enough of you. I’m always left with wanting more… I’m like insatiable… is this normal? I asked.

“I love that you feel this way baby!” He said to me. “It makes me feel so good inside knowing our love and desire is mutual!! I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. One day you will get that kiss Nita!! And I can’t wait to feel your beautiful lips touch mine… I will have stomach full of butterflies I’m sure. I’m having a nice day so far and I hope you are too pretty girl!! Only one thing could make this better… having you in my arms.”

I’m reading and tears came to my eyes. His feelings are so strong and sincere… and I’m so rotten…

“I’m getting to ready to visit my mom and have dinner in a little while. He told me. “I hope your beautiful face has been lit up with tons of smiles today sweet girl.”

And I told him, “As I said before… you echo my every thought. In your arms is where I would love to be… my day is going ok… we are getting ready to have dinner ourselves; and yes, I’m smiling tons. Guess we will talk later my sweet Allen … enjoy your dinner with your family.”

And he replied, “One day we will wake up in the same bed Christmas morning and make love before I give you your gifts. That was the dream I had last night… It was really a nice dream. You were super happy and we made beautiful love. What a present that would be! Talk a little later love… please have a great afternoon beautiful.”

‘What a present that would be, indeed”. I agreed. “You too.”

Oh and Nita… merry Christmas! I love you! He said to me. [And I could feel his love. It was so intense. Just like mine.]

“Merry Christmas Allen… I love you too!” I let him know.

“Perfect!!!! He exclaimed.”I’m smiling huge.” [And so was I]

So I join everybody and have dinner; dinner was excellent, everything came out perfectly; that was the first, most times at least one dish would mess up. But not today, everything I cooked was perfect. We all enjoyed my meal and we had a good little kick back family time; and I was the happiest of them all; because I was basking in the glory of Allen’s love. And I could hardly wait for the time to go so I could relax and connect with him again. As I told him, I couldn’t get enough of him; I was always left wanting more and more. I was insatiable. I don’t know how I’m going to do this; all I know is that I love him, and that was all I need to know; right now, right here. Nothing else matters.

My emotions were in turmoil; they were bouncing up and down. I was so confused. But I told myself for tonight I will let it go for now… I did not want to ruin a perfect Christmas.

After everybody left; I sit down for some quiet time and I was thinking; how did we get to this point? When did we start to fall in love? So I scroll back to some of our earlier conversations to see if I could figure it out.

At about 8:00pm I thought I would try to see if he is available to talk.

So I said to him, “hey you am I going to get lucky tonight with some conversation, or did you eat so much that you have’ niggarities’ J [after you eat you go to sleep] or maybe you are having too much fun with the family? I know we do when we get together. Hope to get lucky because I’m missing something awful.”

And then I thought I would tell him about my going back to figure out how we fell in love. (I just knew I would say and do something to reflect my doubts.)

“you know I was here going over our conversation from the very beginning to figure out how we get to where we are now from where we started.; how our emotions got so strong and intense from just texting… I know… I do have a bad habit of trying to analyze everything… but sometimes I’m amazed at my feelings wondering if what I feel for you is real. I know… I just need to go with the flow and enjoy the ride/flight. Right?”

AFTER I SENT IT … I THEN REALIZES THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.. IT OOZES DOUBTS  AND SCREAMS INSECURITIES..  AND I FELT A VERY SINKING FEELING..

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE: PART 6

SO I DID NOT TEXT HIM ALL DAY WEDNESDAY; ME TRYING TO NOT SEEMS TOO EAGER BUT REMEMBERING OUR DEAL THAT I HAD TO TEXT HIM BEFORE HE TEXT ME; THAT HE WON’T INITIATE CONTACT. MY MIND WAS FULL OF THOUGHTS OF HIM I TOLD Paige WHATS GOING ON; AND I THINK I MENTION HIM TO ANYBODY THAT’S WANTS TO LISTEN . I EVEN CALL MY GIRLFRIEND WHO I KNOW WAS CONSTANTLY DATING GUYS ON LINE FOR YEARS, SO I THOUGHT SHE COULD GIVE ME A LITTLE ADVICE FROM HER EXPERIENCE. I KNOW I SHOULD TRY TO END THIS, BUT  MY HEART HAS GOTTEN ALL TANGLED UP IN IT AND I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM UP AS YET. I WAS FEELING WAY TOO GOOD, AND I WAS WALKING ON AIR AND MY STOMACH ALL I KNOTS JUST THINKING OF HIM.

So I woke Thursday morning and decided I could not wait another day to talk to him. He was all I dream of all night; so I wrote to him;

“Hey… I said. [My hand all trembling with excitement]… went to sleep thinking only of you…. You consume my dreams… wake up… and again… there you are… all I can think …] and to top it all… just the simple thought of you put this silly smile on my face… is this normal?…  MISSING YOU MUCH!!!

An hour went by before he answered, I was excited to get that text, I smile so brightly as i read what he wrote….

“Well… all I can say is I love it! You are totally consuming my thoughts too! And yes my dreams of us have been mild to wild! I find myself drifting off thinking about how you will feel to kiss… What it might feel like to hold your hand… how beautiful your smile will be in person … so I’m right there with you pretty girl! It’s a great place to be and I’m glad we sharing the same experience!” “I hope you are having a great week Nita! I can’t wait to talk to you again. Smile beautiful you are totally on my mind!

I was taken aback by his feelings. I was quite pleased that he was reciprocating my emotions and that he really seems to like me …I did not want to continue too long with the conversation because I did not want him to think I had nothing better to do or give him the impression that was I was too eager…. Of course I was… but…

So I say to him. “You have such a great way with words. So poetic. You always know exactly how to make me smile. I’m having a good week and I hope everything is going good for you too. TTYL Allen; on my way to class; can’t wait to talk to you again too.

“I’m smiling huge! You just made my day Wendy! Have a great day at school TTYL beautiful.

I did not talk to him again for that day, I knew he have to work so I never bother him that night.

So Friday morning I woke up and sent him another text. He’s been on my mind constantly, I could not shake him for nothing, I told those girls at the work about him and told them about the deception I was playing, I even showed them his photos asking, how could I resist this gorgeous guy?  and confess how much I liked him… they tease me all night and we had fun with my dilemma; they made me laugh so hard. And I promise them I was going to stop… soon… but right now I’m hooked and I just have to ease out slowly. 

So I text him when I woke up, ‘hi Allen!!! Waking up from a most pleasant night spent with you… in my dreams… again.  Well school is out for a couple of weeks, only work and it’s quite busy right now.

At work I found it so hard to stay focus and my mind keep going back to everything he say to me and sometime I kind of laugh out loud with my thoughts; he was my consuming my whole world  and taking complete control of my mind. I was so profoundly happy. So I had to share with him what was happening to me.

“I want to share something I find quite amusing that happened to me yesterday.’ “ well while working my mind was drifting off to you and on one occasion I was with this customer and I thought of something you said and I burst out laughing [giggles]; she said to me,’ are you ok my dear,’  I told her I was  and I just thought of something that tickles me.  She then says, ‘it must be a good tickle for you to have that smile on your face.’ And I laugh again and reply, “Yes… Yes… Yes” and I thought, if she only knew… this is what you are doing to me. And I am enjoying it and enjoying you.

 I also sent him a song by Peter Cetera; “I wanna take forever tonight” and I asked him if he knows this song. ‘One of my favorites’ I told him. Then of course I felt obliged to inform him on how and why I liked it.  Oh man, I just don’t know when to stop lying.

So I said, ‘actually my aunt play it all the time and that’s how I got t know and love it.’

I did not hear from him all day until I  was at work; I knew he was working so I was not worried but I kept my phone close to me so I could know when he text back.  And then it came, and my heart did a flip-flop and my heart began to race; I was like a school girl with her first crush; I was wearing this silly smile… grin… And I was so delighted and happy. I couldn’t wait to read what he has to say, I could not contain myself or my composure. So I steal a little peek….

He started out with…” Ok… first of all… I am all smiles again; try so hard to not be obsessive with this app and stay off of it assuming we probably won’t chat much while you are busy…. When I get on and there is nothing I feel a little drained… and when is something I light up! So tonight I got in and I light up!!! This is the way you are having a profound effect on me. And like you baby… I really like it! Enjoying us comes very natural for me Nita.

And he continues, ‘ok so I am not familiar with the song but I find it and listen. You seem to be an old soul… and I mean that in a really good way. Perhaps you haven’t experienced all that life will offer yet but you go with the flow… like giving a song like that a chance…. And finding out you actually love it. That is maturity. As for your story… I don’t know what you do for work but I love the story and I am glad that I am really close in thoughts and that you are thinking about me… us… I am doing the same I promise.

“ I have had so many dreams about us doing things… last night we were in a plane about to land on a beach in the Bahamas… a deserted island I always wanted to check out… it looks so pretty… anyways you were really excited to get on the ground and get in the water with me.. It was really nice.

I am reading all what he is saying and totally involving myself and living the part; as far as I was concern right there and then; he was talking to me;  I was totally evolve in character. I was taking very word he wrote as mine and I was receiving every feeling he was pouring out. And I loved it. I was feeling so emotional that I got a sensational rush all over my body.

He sent a photo of the ocean; he said, “The Ocean tonight… just a while ago”. [It had a beautiful sunset on the water. How did he know how to touch me so? I love the sunset and the ocean… it calms me.]

Then he sent a video of some aerobatics show; “thought I’d show you little aerobatics” he told me.  I looked at it and just smile and saw how very adventurous he really is. And I’m like “wow!! He is so much fun. I like him… he is so excitable!!!…

And he says, ‘and here’s where I will take you one day I hope; and he sent three more photos of an island; I did not know where it was of. But I was all smiles with a heart full of joy and admiration, thinking he sure knows how to be a romantic…

” Ok now that I’ve blown your phone up I will leave you alone, I sure hope you have a great night Wendy, talk soon pretty girl.

So I sent him a quick text from my register between customers,” sneaking a peek, at work still.”

He said, ‘well don’t get in trouble silly.”

I smiled at his comments and keep on smiling… I took a break within the next two hours; and I went to talk to him. I told him, “I’m acting silly aren’t I? But I’m so anxious to talk to you and hear from you, that I can’t wait. Yeah… silly I am on a short break… will you be up when I get off? I asked him. BTW, I’m a cashier at Walgreens. … I truly enjoyed the pictures and videos. You are so much fun’, I told him.” Well I better get back on the floor, TTYL My Allen.”

“GOD I love what we have!’ He said to me, ‘I’m like a kid!  I sure hope you have a great night beautiful! I might be up later… Going to a Christmas party and then I’ll be home… and go to bed… not sure what time you get off.  Nita, I want more of this if you do. I really like how we make each other feel.’

 I hurriedly text him back telling him I should be home about 2am.

 And I went back to work thinking about what he had said about wanting more and how he likes how we make each other feel; OMG!!! So do I. he is so awesome and he makes me feel incredible good; But how am I going to make this last, I am standing there hardly able to focus, hoping the time go fast that I can get home to be with him. That was all that matters to me right then. I couldn’t wait, the time couldn’t go fast enough, I was literally craving for him and I have this anxiety in the depth of my stomach just wanting to connect and feel him close. I was a mess, a complete mess.

 So on my way home apx. 2:13 am I text and asked, ‘hey are you asleep? On my way home.  

He replied almost instantly as if he was waiting for my text, ‘no beautiful I’m up. I’m sleepy but wanted to stay up so we could chat with you before bed.”

I quickly responded, very excitingly, ‘oh wonderful, just give me another 6 minutes. I’m almost there.

He said, ‘ok baby, take your time! I hope you had a good night at work.”

 I couldn’t get in the house fast enough; I quickly changed and got in bed and on that phone. I say, ‘okay I’m all yours.’ … literally I was all his. GOD!! How I wanted him… In every way; he heightened all my senses, I was like ready to explode, and I don’t remember ever feeling this intense with anybody or for anybody before.

 Then he said,” hey, I love the sound of that.  I wish.’

I then answered to him telling me to take my time, ‘trying but I’m very excited to be with you.  Keep on wishing your wish might come true. I told him.

Hey, I understand that feeling! He said, ‘how was day pretty girl? He asked.  Oh man you are saying all the right stuff.”

It was a bit busy being Christmas and all,’ I told him. So how was yours, My Allen?

 I’m sure! He stated. Mine was good baby! A little busy with some work stuff I’m doing in Boston, Other than that, pretty normal.”

So I decided to mention the pictures he had sent earlier, ‘you seems to have an adventurous day.’ I told him. ‘I actually like the air show; do you work on weekends? I finally asked him.

Well I’m going to be slowing down a little for the holiday now’, he inform me. Oh you like the aerobatics?  He asked. Good!  Maybe one day I will take you up and do some fun stuff like that once you are comfortable enough… and when you are ready I will teach you to fly if you want…  I usually don’t… that’s why I stayed up late.

Learning to fly… wow! That would certainly be fun and exciting. Sure wish I could take him up on his offer but…

So I said, ‘sounds like fun.’ Usually don’t?  I asked in reference to him working on weekends. ‘Means you work tomorrow.’ 

Perfect! He said. I would love to see that smile a ton. No work tomorrow… I might fly to Savannah to see a friend and have lunch and I have a Christmas party tomorrow night. 

I would too, I told him.

‘I’m smiling Wakanita’, he said.

‘Ooh good for you’ I told him,[ him going to Savnnah;] I’m all smiles myself.’ I informed him.

God you are so damn cute,’ he complimented me. ‘Just the way you talk makes me happy”.

“Now you make me laugh.’ I informed him.

And I was laughing and giddy with happiness.  Believe me when I say, I completely forget that I was pretending. I was so caught up in over conversation and him, that I was not acting at this moment, I was totally absorbing him and was being me; Wendy Wakanita. 

Then he asked, do you like your job?”

Yes it’s easy’, I answered, ‘and it’s only for a time.’

“I have been totally daydreaming about you today… he told me. ‘You are totally controlling so much of me Nita… it’s a really nice feeling. And my dreams last night were very graphic and very sexual. I’m craving you.

There he goes again I thought, like reading my mind and sensing my emotions. It was like we were emotionally connected. He could feel and sense my every thought and desires. I did not want the sexual talk but somehow I welcome it because all my senses were heighten right now, and my desires for him was like a raging bull..

And so I told him, ‘do you know you echo my every thought?

‘Awwww!’ He gave out.

 So was mine. I said to him of about my dreams too.

He said, ‘oh really.

Yeah,’ I said.

Well I’m glad we are together in our dreams! He stated. ‘That’s a nice feeling too.’

What does that mean,’ I asked.

I was really wanted to hear what he thinks about the whole thing, because I was a bit confused and not sure how to explain what was happening to me and my emotions.

Well, while I’m dreaming of making love to you and pleasing you… you are dreaming of us too … that’s a nice feeling. He explained.

 I honestly told him, ‘I don’t know what my feeling mean.’ 

I didn’t, not really it couldn’t be love this quick;  but.. my feelings was so intense and creating a havoc emotionally.

‘I know what mine means,’ he said. Its passion and desire… 

I have never felt like this before’ I told him.

That usually leads to love,’ he continued, it’s a connection; that can be spoken but doesn’t have to be…it’s just mutually understood.’

Love?’ I uttered, ‘isn’t it too early for this? I asked of him.

Yes, in today’s society it’s too early.’ He informed me.

I think it’s your powerful words,’ I told him. You got me hooked! How can this be possible? I asked.

And in reality love can’t be defined…’ he continued to explained and clarified, ‘it’s an emotion… and it’s different for everyone.  I am not saying you love me… I’m saying we are in a good place that could lead to more.  I’m sorry if I confuse you pretty girl.’ 

Very logical definition I thought. I know he was very intellectual.

I just couldn’t believe that it was this easy to get so caught up emotionally just by texting someone.. and I was actually enjoying this new-found feeling I was experiencing.. with this most amazing man.

That I am,’ I told him. Confused I meant. ‘But I am loving It.’ … and I definitely was….

“Call it what you want… labels are for other people to understand. He was saying to me, ‘I just know I like where we are and I would like more…the rest is up to you as you know baby.

I don’t know if it was because he thought he was talking to a very young naïve girl; that he took the time to educate and enlighten her; but, I was definitely learning from him  and was able to understand my emotions a little better from his words of wisdom. So I am new and naïve to this raging of desires and passion that has overcome me.

So I told him, ‘this feelings you give; it’s out of this world.

Then he did a tailspin and went opposite direction; “I promise I will not pursue you if you choose to stop communicating with me Nita. I promise I will respect your decisions… always… I just know what I would like.’

“I am so frightened… you know why? I asked. Then I told him. ‘I don’t want to stop…”[ meaning communicating.] 

But all of a sudden I came back to reality and remembered that I could not continue with this much longer; I have to find a way out soon. And my emotions have already entangled enough and I was so convinced, he will never like me… the real me… I have to think about an exit. But I find I am digging my hole deeper and deeper trying to get some more of his time and to enjoy this exhilarating feelings some more.

But… I stated.   

What excuse can I give for being afraid?

He was saying something, ‘I would like to please you… to make you feel better than ever…I want to tap into your desire and passion… And see what we can build… maybe it takes a bunch of time to get there… I will wait. I know when something is worth having it is never forced… that’s what makes it so special… you would die for it but you can’t buy it… it’s earned… I want that.’ 

Man… I was blown away when I read that; and I was so sorry I could not put a claim on him. This guy is so passionate and deep. And as usual words fail me’ I did not know how to respond to him.

So I just said, ‘GOD!!!! YOU ARE SO AWESOME.’… .

Then he asked me to tell him the ‘but’ part… ‘I’m sorry I interrupted you,’ He said.

I kind of forget my trail of thoughts; and I thought, he thinks I am a virgin, so I said. It scared me…. Sex. And you are so experienced.’ 

It wasn’t too far from the truth; because I would be very intimidated with him sexually; he talks with so much expertise.

“Ok…well you know that there is no reason to be scared, right? He said trying to console me. ‘I would always make sure you were 100% ready before I ever consider it; most girls rush in to it and regret just getting  it over with.. That is not how we would handle anything.’ 

Ooooh… what a guy… so I asked him, you have that kind of patience?

If you truly care for someone you are compassionate right? He asked.’ So if I like you to be there… I will never take anything Wendy. You will give me when you are ready. I will earn that place… and that will make it perfect. If it doesn’t happen it wasn’t meant to be.’

Is this guy real; men like this don’t exist…? 

So I told him,” I may talk like I know what I am saying but my actions say something else.’ You are too good to be true, ‘I can’t believe I accidentally found you”. I told him.

 Then he said. For the record… my favorite dream is you asking me to make love to you…. You are naked on the beach… laying on a towel… it’s like sunset… we are alone on the island… the reason I like that dream is because you are asking.  Then he responded to my finding him,’ it’s so weird how we collided,’

I like that dreams,’ I told him. “I would say, take me I’m all yours”

I’m a super visual person so my dreams are really vivid,’ he was telling me. ‘It was a really nice dream… In that one we didn’t make love… it was just about being ready I think.”

“Awwww!” he responded to me.

So I told him, ‘my dreams are a little wilder”…. Of course they are. My imagination runs wild with him.

 He was continuing with his dream, ‘I laid on top of you naked and we were kissing and I start to work my way down… and that was the end of the dream… I woke up.  And oh, I’ve had some crazy fun dreams too! But that one is my favorite one so far… just because of the value… you giving me you… that are the biggest value ever.

And that right there is the great fascination with Paige, she is a virgin and he likes that she is. So with her looks and her smile ; he is going to do everything to win her over. And he has the lyrics; he has me all swooning and his words are not even meant for me. {So funny; so funny and sad indeed}

Do you like the beach, I asked.

Ummmm, I don’t go much… he said,’ but the ocean is full of mystery and romance. 

  And I change subjects on him, and I asked him, ‘by the way, where is that you wanted to take me to?

For lunch or the deserted island? He inquired.

From the picture,’ I told him, ‘on the plane.’

‘Cedar key for lunch… or dinner…’ he informed me.

Where is that? I wanted to know.

If I picked you up in Orlando…we would be there in a half hour flight. He told me, ‘it’s on the gulf coast of Florida across from Ocala Kinda.’

 So I told him, it would be after Christmas… super busy right now.’

And how I would love to do that; and how I wish to be Paige right now so I could accept his invitation and have a blast with him. God! How I wish to be liked, like that by a man like him. He is so romantic and full of sweet imagination. He is just the fantasy of my dreams. Ooooh maaan….

It would be whenever you are ready baby,’ he said lovingly,’ no rush’

Okay you sweet sweet man I replied.’ I am going to say it again; you are right out of my dreams.’

He laughed, ‘ha ha you are super sweet too! And Wendy….

Yeah,” I answered.

We go as friends… he was telling me, ‘and see what happens… no expectations… just two people enjoying some company and having fun! That’s it! If the chemistry isn’t there for you in person I will understand. Nothing forced ever.’

The more he talked the more I admire him and the more I was amazed by him and the more I was falling for him; man… I was sure in big trouble… how am going to give up a man like him… how am I going let him go….

WOW!!!  I exclaimed.

You will drive us emotionally until and unless we have mutual connection that includes romance and anything else ok? He finished saying.

‘I’m kinda lost for words’. I told him. … I was for two reasons; I was not able to commit to anything; and I did not know how to respond to him.

 Really? He said. I’m sorry.’

You are too good for me.’ I told him.

Then he said, ‘ok so I think you will like that flight… and that island is really cool. So I think we will have fun and good conversation and company.’

 Sounds like a plan, I commented… I mean it in a good way, I meant it sounds like a good plan….but I think he misunderstood my meaning.

Because he said, ‘you are so silly…I am just being courteous… you have been honest and open with me and so I want to proceed at your pace and your terms! That’s all baby.’

I was a bit hurt that he misunderstood me; but I continued, ‘I like conversation… and I like you… a lot…You just amazed me every time,’ I told him. 

Me too! He said, ‘and if you’ve ever flown in a small plane you know that it is amazing too… The view is really nice and you will be my co-pilot! So I will let you fly if you want… I will show you a few things and let you take the control if you want.’  ‘Wakanita I like you plenty too girl.” 

 So much for me to comment on and all I could come up with was, ‘can’t believe there is someone like you out there; and I am talking to him.’

 I am such a lousy conversationalist; I never have the right words to say or I can never try to comment on what he is saying. My texting is lousy and yet I can type at least 40 words per minutes. But having trouble texting; makes no sense. …. But he doesn’t seem to notice or care.

I can’t believe I have made such an amazing connection. This is crazy good.’ He stated.

Isn’t it? I said,’ never been on tango before. First time and there you were.”

How often does life take two people and just melt them together… he was saying, ‘emotionally in a way that puts them in the same place and time… it’s like all of my feelings and senses are totally heightened…I feel like we are experiencing this together.

[This comment of his; is the truest and most practical fact of our encounter.] 

Totally,’ I responded. ‘Fate is what it is.’

Whoa!!! He exclaimed. ‘I’ve had this app for a few months…and I was on it for five or six times, I think… but it was just silly fun… like a time killer. I never took it serious… I can honestly tell you that you were the first one I was so forward with.. So out there… I’d thought I’d be fun and crazy… was gonna go to bed and bam… you became real.

And he was really fun and crazy to me’ one of the reason I liked him and wanted to talk again.

 So I told him, ‘the same for me, I was there for fun; not looking for anyone… and now I have you.’

Right! I get it… he answered, “and I thought I might as well be crazy and impulsive… and look what happened.’

I made a mistake in typing and said, ‘oops; just laughing at us.’

I was just being stupid and goofy, he was saying, ‘figured at least it was fun to talk to someone…’

I was doing the same exact thing,’ I told him.

And our paths crossed,’ he said.

Then your captivated blue eyes came up, and I had to send a message to you.’ I told him.

He laughed out, ‘ha-ha! I love it. And did you get a mouthful of wise ass crazy guy that night.’

And our path crossed and I do love it too.’ I informed him. ‘I thought you were so funny.’

“I am a confident guy and can be cocky but I’m more of a joker than anything. He said.

So bold and brazen,’ I told him.

Yes I can be very bold,’ he admitted.

I love it,’ I told him, ‘being bold… wish I could be.’

“I think some of it is because  I have to exercise so much courtesy that it feels good to be silly and let go…. I’m never cocky in a rude way… I absolutely hate disrespect… so I never go there. He told me. As a professional everything is so calculated… it felt nice to be that guy that night.

So I told him; ‘I didn’t think you were rude; you should exercise it more, you are good at it… because you also funny. And I may be bashful but I do like boldness.’

Ha-ha! He laughed, thanks; Wakanita… I really like you. I am so tired and waited up just to connect… I needed to feel you. I’m so glad I did. We are a good team lover!

Okay I understand,’ I told him, we both need to get some sleep… yes we are [a good team]. So this is goodnight… can we do this again tomorrow… you think? I asked.

 I would love to! He said, it’s always up to you beautiful.’  Working till 2am again? He asked.

Great,’ I said. ‘Well sleep tight… yeah [to working late again]

And don’t get in trouble at work checking your phone silly,’ he told me. 

 I laughed out loud, LOL, I sent to him.

 Nita… can I asked you a personal question?

Shoot, I said to him.

he asks me a sexual question?

I burst out laughing so hard, ‘laughing… I told him.  “I think I will”

He laughed at me, ‘ha ha I know you are messed up.’ He told me. And now I know you are!

I said, ‘you are always messing me up; I can’t help it.’

And that was the truth; I stayed turn out just thinking about him, and while talking to him I can actually feel him right there with me…. So I get all tingling; wet; twitching and pulsating. My whole being becomes so alive just knowing him and knowing that he is feeling me the same way. He set me on fire ; he ignite my deepest desires and rose my passion to a  height I did not even know I could reach; never being in this place before; and it feels so, so good.

He went ahead and give a  little description of what i should picture him doing to me..

“Ok well, will you picture me between your legs looking up at you as you cum… me taking you in… pleasuring you… Tasting you… taking every drop of your cum… drinking your ecstasy.” 

Wow!’ he has me all shuddering with his erotic vision; I was so hot for him.

 And he continues, ‘I will find all your little places… all the things that drive you wild and crazy… and maybe some new ones and exploit them… till you cum for me Nita.”

‘With you my heart races… my pulses pump hard and my kitty meow..I confess.

My kitty was begging to be touched and I did oblige her and with just one touch I exploded with such a force; that I totally surprise myself; it’s been ages since I had experience that; wow!!! With just his vision, I couldn’t believe it.

He laughed at my comment and said, ‘Hahaha!!! Super cute! I like the kitty part…

Don’t know why I find it so easy to be honest with him? But normally I am not that bold especially when it comes to sex; that’s always my secret. But with him, I feel so comfortable telling him almost anything.

 Really? He gives out, ‘Nita!! [I think he was surprised at me doing that.}

 Aha ha’ I said. 

we played for a little  more and i did enjoyed our romp… this was my first experience with doing this and it really excites me…

Now I’m going to bed with a huge smile! And Nita… I’m going to cum real hard thinking about you….’ He then told me.

Then he turn it up, and  give me a vision so clear that I could actually visualize  every scenario the sets for me .. And I was really happy and I was smiling and laughing and loving him. I was having fun and man… was I ecstastic..

 Night night Allen’, we ended.

 I sit there just smiling and feeling so pleased and satisfied; thinking how does he make me feel so good and warm inside? How does he let my whole being come so alive; I was feeling him like I could touch him;  the desires he created is so intense; I cum so much I didn’t think I had any more in me but… I went back to our final conversation with all his erotic vision and I again could reach to a peak of ecstasy another three times. Most amazing thing….. During all this, I never even once think back to the fact that all his fantasies and vision was not intended or directed to me…  I claimed them all and I own them as mine; I went to a blissful sleep and a most erotic dream of us.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

I GOT A SURPRISED CALL THIS WEEKEND FROM ONE OF MY EX-LOVER… I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN 35 YEARS… YES??? , HE WAS ONE OF MY VERY FIRST LOVE… AT THE TIME OF KNOWING HIM… I WAS SO VERY PLEASED AND GLAD TO HAVE MEET A GUY LIKE HIM… HE WAS THERE AS SECURITY FOR THE USA EMBASSY; A US MARINE.. HE WITH HIS FELLOW MARINES WAS STATION ABOVE MY HOUSE AND HAD TO PASS BY EVERY DAY…

He was jogging one day.. and saw me.. he smiled and say hi… I returned his smile and responded with a “hi.. I remember smiling so pleasingly liking his acknowledgment.. and wish I had the courage to say more.

I got my chance a few days after…he was driving past towards his place with some of his buddies… he saw me… and stopped… call me over and ask me my name and invited me to his place… I was so thrilled to see him again.. his name was Paul… I  didn’t accept his invitation that day but he asked if he could see me again and I eagerly said, ‘yes’…

He did come by to see me.. invited me out and so started a whirlwind love affair… we were inseparable… and I was so enthuse to have him liking me and becoming my boyfriend.. My family all joined me in liking him we all agreed that he was a really nice guy… I was very happy with him and I was so delighted to spend as much time as he could muster…

I was very shy, quite reserved,  a little withdrawn.. I didn’t feel quite comfortable with his friends a little out-of-place… but.. he always makes me feel at ease with all the attention and affection he showed me… we went on like this for about six months…

I started a business school… he used to take me every morning and drop me off… I was in heaven.. and totally in love by now…so after a week or two into school I was approached by this Chinese girl asking if I was Wendy… and letting me know she wants to be friends… of course I agreed… she would seek me out and talk to me daily and we talked about things like my boyfriend… of course ,I proudly tell her of paul and just how much I love him and just how wonderful he is…

So.. she invited me to the movies one evening and I accepted…I remembered it was a james bond movie… “for your eyes only”… we got in… and as we settled down to watch the movie… she told me… “you know we have the same boyfriend… Paul is my boyfriend too..”… I did not know what to say… the tears was welding up in my eyes, my throat was tighten with wanting to cry out.. I gasp.. and I got up to leave.. I just had to go… I couldn’t talk… I didn’t know what to say… she was talking , but i didn’t hear a thing she was saying.. my head was spinning… my heart was breaking… I was mad.. I was so jealous… I look at her… how could I compete with her… I have so many questions… and I knew all the answers… I knew it was over for me…

We walked all the way to her house… It was a long walk and I calm down a little although still numb… and she was very consoling and have a way of making me feel better.. I was not hysterical any more…

she called him at work… tell him she told me about them and he asked me to wait on him to come by after work… he came.. I didn’t have much to say… I really didn’t know what to say… he took me home and on the way home I ask him, “so what’s it gonna be”… he stated that he didn’t know and so I just accepted my fate and walk away…

I saw him a couple of weeks after.. jogging down the hill.. I was coming home.. and he stopped and we talked some and after we finished talking he turned back home… that would have been the last time I saw him… I still remain friends with that girl…(to this day).

They actually end up getting married and move back to the states… I cried… for a lost love that I thought should have been mine…  I so much wanted to be his wife… but he had made his choice and it was so obvious that he had loved her more… and so I had accepted it all and move on…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Now 35 years had passed… and out of the blues she is calling me telling me that Paul wants to say Hi to me…and no lie.. I was delighted to hear from him… and on his way home that evening he stopped by… I was so happy that he chose to…and when I saw him… I couldn’t recognized him as the guy I knew all those years ago… he was completely different… so was I … after all we are talking about 35 years of changes.. I was still thrill to see him as is.. trying so hard to find some resemblance to the guy I knew … and he started to tell me of his vision he held of me all those years ago… how he saw me back then… how smitten he was and how dazzled  he was by my beauty.

I sat there listening to him describing me… he says I was his fantasy girl… like out of a magazine…he was in awe of me.. he thought I was way out of his league.. I was so amazing and every time he was with me he couldn’t believe his luck… he couldn’t get enough of me.. he described my body like it was so perfect… he told me he had visualize me over the years…but his choice was due to the fact that he thought I would have left him… how ironic… he married that other girl…because he thought she would never leave him…. and she did….

What might have been is far too late to think about.. and we didn’t really have any emotional feelings left over for each other…

sure I think about you every now and then….but… it’s been a long long time…I have got a good life now but I have move on…so when you cross my mind.. I try not to think about  what might of been…that was then…and we have taken different roads…we can’t go back again….there is no use giving in and there is no way to know what might have been…

WE c0uld sit and talk about this all night long..wonder why we didn’t last…yesterday might be the best days we will ever know… but, we will have to leave them in the past… so try not to think about what might have been…because that was then…and we have taken different roads…we can’t go back again…there is no use giving in   and there is no way to know what might have been.

the same old look in your eyes…it’s a beautiful sight..sooo tempted to stay…but too much time has gone by…we should just say goodbye and turn and walk away…and try not to think about what might have been..

               (SONG BY LITTLE TEXAS)

ALL IN ALL… IT WAS A PERFECT REUNION OF A LOVE THAT WAS LOST… I ENJOYED EVERY SINGLE MOMENT HE SPENT WITH ME… AND WE REMINISCENCE AND WE TRY TO RELIVE THE TIMES WE HAD SHARED ALL THOSE YEARS AGO…. HE REMEMBERS THINGS THAT IS NOW A BLUR TO ME..AND i AM SO GRATEFUL FOR HAVING ONE MORE TIME WITH HIM.. IT’S LIKE A CLOSURE… AND A COMPLETE THRILL TO HAVE THAT BLAST FROM THE PAST…

PASSION OF LIFE

PASSION: It’s so hard to find our passions sometimes… And materialize it to our benefit… You have to admire those that live for their passions, and do all it takes to make it happen. But.. what happen to those that tried.. but never really had the resources or the opportunities to fulfill their dreams and bring their passions to fruition.

What do you like to do???.. How can we make it work for us??? This is a question I have struggled with all my life.. I dream of all the things I would do   if I could… but could never come up with something I’m so passionate about that I get so motivated and determined to pursue.. I find myself talking about things I want to do but never actually put any real efforts in seeing it through..

Sometimes we know what we love and what we like to do.. We have it all in our heads just how we would like it to be but… Lack the know how.. And the resources to get it done… Sometimes we also don’t have the motivation and the faith in ourselves.. It’s like a dream without reality… and we become so comfortable with the way things are …so afraid of taking risks and making changes, of starting something we are not sure of.. scared of failing and losing…

YOU CAN’T GIVE UP SURE FOR UNSURE:

And there is some of us that just can’t figure out what our passion is .. Therefore we don’t have a niche, To pursue… So we live the life that comes natural to us.. go with the flow .. try to make the right choices… do what we think is right for us… and what we think is expected of us..

Happiness can be found here.. if we learn to be contend and accept things as is.. instead of finding misery in everything… always unsatisfied with their lives.. wanting more but never actually trying to accomplish or achieve anything else… always complaining about the lack of…wanting and expecting someone to create their happiness and to make them whole..

Passion… can be defined, I guess as; whatever brings happiness to you.. Maybe LOVE.. Maybe KIDS… Maybe your CAREER.. FRIENDS… FAMILY.. and the list goes on and on…Whatever you think it is… my advise is to be contended with where you are to where you are coming from… find the joys in your journey and have gratitude for everything you have acquired.. Our destiny sometimes… is the path that life has taken us… the people that we cross path with…we have to learn to enjoy the journey with faith and great anticipation.