FOR THE LOVE 💕 OF A FRIEND:

FAMILIES DON’T HAVE TO BE BLOOD RELATED….

https://www.gofundme.com/f/24pvza38pc?sharetype=teams&member=5683402&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&rcid=104191546074448e904da4b99959f4df

I’m running a GoFundMe campaign for a friend who is in desperate need….

I feel very compassionate towards this friend and would love to be of help… since I can’t afford to on my own..

I thought I would try this platform for helping me help him…

Please click on the site and read his story… and hopefully you will empathized with his situation. Too….

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE: GAINING ONE’S FAVOR…

…. coming home from my church group one Saturday evening.. I met this guy on the bus..he was really nice and we really connected.. so before my stop he invited me to the movies and I accepted…

So the Saturday we had our date.. of course we took the bus..

Can’t recall if I had told anyone about this date but when he came to pick me up.. of course … all knew… I fully enjoyed his company and he kindly dropped me off home..

I waited with him to get the next bus.. and while we were waiting he asked me if I mind him kissing me…of course I was very bashful..

But I told him yes.. and there goes my first kiss..

Well next morning was church so I got got ready and go ask my stepmom for bus fare.. SMH 🤦‍♀️….

My stepmom turned to me quite angrily and told me that I should go and ask the man I went out with last night… I mumbled something under my breath in defense… walking away from her… pouting..

I break the news of my decision to join the nunnery to my dad… and for the first time my dad sit me down and talk to me..

We sat there for almost two hours.. he lectured me on the cons of being a nun and let me know by all means that he doesn’t approve of me making the choice to become a nun..

One of his reasons were.. it was a waste of life… he promised me if I changed my mind which he strongly recommended.. that he would pay for any school of my choice…

I really loved my dad.. and I always yearn for his approval and I want to please him so much that I agreed and told him that I will follow his suggestions.. he really thought my decision was based on me being home and became bored…

So next day I set out to find me a school.. I didn’t have a clue.. but I chose one and he lived up to his promise and pay for my enrollment…

Well my life took off on another journey…

I met this man became intimately involved.. and over the next few years… I started to spiral out of control.. of course I was alone in my world.. my stepmom still treats me with so much indifference and ignored me more than not..

Whenever she address for whatever reason.. it was always in a negative way.. very unkind and very mean… I have learnt to ignore her as well.. she and my older sister became inseparable.. my little sister.. I didn’t have clue what she was doing…

I was home when I went in labor.. it was 11 at night… my father took me to the hospital.. but didn’t stay… I was alone.. my baby father was not in my life then.. so he was not aware of me having the baby…

I continued to do things without the interference of anyone.. and only my dad would sometimes observe my behavior and would call me and asked me adjust my attitude …

I got pregnant with my oldest son.. at 23…I lived with my husband up to seven months then moved back home…

It took me 24 hours in labor before my son was born.. and the last hour my stepmom decided to come be with me… she was there for his birth..

I got back together with my husband after I had our son… but he was American and after a year and a half he decided to come back home.. leaving us behind…

I was very hurt 😞 and I had to find work to maintain my baby… surprisingly my stepmom offers to babysit fo me while I go to work… I was very appreciative but somehow lacking in showing it..

I ended up working three jobs… leaving early in the morning.. and coming home late at nights.. I took much disadvantage of my stepmom and of my dad’s kindness…I did abuse them…

My stepmom however never complained about my absence.. my dad however mentioned it a few times letting me know that I need to spend some time with my son…

Back then.. I defended my actions.. with reassurance that he is well taken care of..

( sometimes I wish I could turn back time…and be more attentive to my baby… I just couldn’t see the damage it was causing my son)

So I started to appreciate her for doing this for me… she didn’t have to… although our relationship did not improve much.. she would negative comments about my parenting… but never sit me down and advise me how to improve and be a better mom…

( looking back.. I really think she wanted me to fail…she wanted to prove that I was not capable or responsible enough to be a mom)

This went on for the next three years when we lost my dad to an heart attack…

He was the glue that holds our family together and with his sudden death.. we all fell apart…

It has a very huge impact on me.. I lost one whole year.. I went through it in a daze.. and I can’t remember one single event in that year.. it’s a complete blank..

He died November 1991.. and next thing I remember was 1993….

….TO BE CONTINUED…..

The next era of my existence…

Through The Eyes Of An Old Man:

This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…

After he died;

Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:

SEE ME:

What do you see nurses? What do you see?

What are you thinking, when you look at me?

A cranky old man, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.

And forever is losing… a sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open you eyes, nurse. You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now, a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.

A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other, with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me, to see that I don’t mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play ’round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years, and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man, and nature is cruel,

It’s jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,

And now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living, life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see:

Not a cranky old man,

Look closer, see ME!”

Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesn’t see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesn’t cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL… part 2

A FRESH START

A LOOK DOWN FROM THE SKY

So I arrived in Florida…it was a Saturday night.. November 5 th…my baby and I was met by my aunt… as we drove to her home I was just in awe of my new surroundings… I still couldn’t believe I was here….

My only regret was leaving my older son behind..and I still could see his little face so sad.. and hear his voice saying…

“The only thing you forget is me … is me mommy”…..

Those words haunted me to this day.. and still bring tears to my eyes.. I couldn’t take him with me..and I hated leaving him behind.. but I had get away from this man of mine…

I refused to stay and be physically abused… I had to sacrifice leaving my son.. but I promised I would make it right…(it took me six years to get him with me… eventually…)

My aunts was very receptive and seemed glad to have me… my baby was only a year and ten months… and was a crier… he clings to me a lot.. which was expected..

Christmas 🎄 came and went.. the weather was a bit chilly for me… and in January I thought it’s time for me to find work…

But…

My aunt refuses to babysit for me and I couldn’t afford the nursery… so I decided to take him back home until I get settled in a job and was capable of looking after him…

‘This was in February …. I reluctantly left him with his father.. and now I had to leave both my boys behind.. but… I was determined to come back and do everything I can to get them both with me…

I came back and immediately decided to find work.. I couldn’t get a job in my profession as an accountant… due to lack of computer knowledge or was I computer literate…. I decided to try as a cashier which I gain from being a assistant manager at a supermarket…

Thus.. my career as a cashier began… I picked up a job in a retail store…..I stayed at my aunt house for one year before she asked me to leave.. I then moved to Orlando Florida to stay with another aunt…

I came here and picked up another job.. so I had two jobs now…

Every summer I would go back home to see my babies.. this was the second summer for me.. when I return home and see my baby I was was so upset at his condition…

His father was not taking care of him… I almost didn’t come back.. I cried all the way home… and I told and relate to my aunt about what was happening with my baby and just how concerned I was and how distraught I was…

She saw my motherly anguish.. and promised to help me get accommodations so I could get my babies with me…

She and her husband was in real estate so she told me she would see if she could get me approved for a mortgage.. and she did…

And by the end of that year I got me a house… I went to get my baby .. but my older son didn’t have a visa.. so again I had to leave him behind…

I cause that baby of mine so much sorrow… I tried to make up with gifts… hoping it would make him happy… and when I finally decided to go get him.. he was 16 years old…

I had lost him. He out grew me.. and me him..he seems happy back there.. but… when he came here he became so depressed… that he tried to commit suicide at eighteen..

I was never home.. I worked.. from 11pm to 2 pm for day five days a week… I was always so afraid of leaving him… but.. thank goodness he never again tried it…

My youngest father also decided that he’s gonna join me and I allow him because my son was very attached by now… I was hoping he had changed his abusive ways..

I had also agreed to marry him.. and as soon as we got married he started to physically abuse me again… I keep trying and trying until I just had more than I could take… it took me four years to finalize our relationship…I called the police and file a domestic dispute… they got him out and I changed the locks and get me a security system in place…

Hence.. divorcing his sorry ass… I have been single since…

Over the next 20 years I worked those two jobs.. maintained my mortgage.. and see my kids through to adulthood…

In my view.. I have successfully achieved and accomplish my goal of being there for my children… I call this progress…

Yes I could have gone back to school.. get back into my accounting profession… but I was too overwhelmed with bills and babies to stop and again make more sacrifices and putting my babies second…

It was enough that I was working these long hours.. not spending enough time with them to add studying to that list..

I’m proud of where I am… what I have accomplished…my boys are now adults and are two of the most amazing men there is…

They both have families and are super dads… I guess I must have done something right after all.. am so very proud of them… and I’m so contented that I can retire and notworry about them or me…

My hard work pays off.. in the end… I’m able to survive financially and if I am short or in need.. my awesome sons is there to help me out..

What more can one ask for…

If that’s not being successful…

Then what is…????

I may have been a late bloomer and my life didn’t took off until I was in my thirties.. it may took a change of complete scenery and location..but… I. did it… I made it happen.. I got my own home… I became independent… and most of all I became the provider my kids needed…

It may not seem much to many but to me.. looking at where I am to where I have been… I have accomplished quite a lot… and I call it being successful…

I grew out of my insecurities and my lack of confidence…

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL….

I was born on a Friday morning in February of 1960s…. I was the most beautiful baby girl.. but at ten months my life took a turn for the worst.. I became so sick… my mom gives me up as dead…

“ go bury her “ she commands my dad… but he wouldn’t give up on me… he didn’t stop trying to find a cure for my unexplainable condition.. and when he finally did .. he was very elated but so very disappointed that I was never the same healthy baby he had…

I grew up feeble.. and sickly.. I was awkward and clumsy with zero motor skills coordination… so everyone just treated me like a retarded invalid… they sheltered me and limit me.. to things like playtime because they thought I couldn’t handle it.. trying to protect me without realizing the great damage they were afflicting…..

My mom decided to pass away when I was nine. Leaving behind a severely damage girl… my dad took us to live with my stepmom..

And…

Life becomes an unbearable struggle till I was old enough to go on my own.. I grew alone and apart from my siblings.. I was treated with much indifference..

No love… no affection… no acknowledgement… no confidence.. no self esteem…

I had bad stutter… I fall a lot.. I continuously cry… I was bed wetter until I was about thirteen…

I was mocked.. make jokes at .. laugh at.. shun.. and scolded for everything…

But…

I out grow it all and I believe I had a decent early adulthood… I made poor choices in relationships always seeking a love I didn’t know how receive or give…

I didn’t do so well in school .. because no one ever took an interest in our education…. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me about homework.. or find out how we were progressing… after graduation..I wasn’t brazen or bold enough to be able to function in the world… I was insecure and shy.. until I read somewhere… to be shy is to be selfish because you are only thinking of yourself….

My older sister was working and going to business college… while I was home so afraid to go out there to find work…

Church was my outlet so I decided I wanted to be a nun.. a great way out. But dad .. for the first in my short life he decided to sit me down and lecture me on how it would be a waste of life to enter the nun hood…

Me … eager to please and was so fill with joy that he took out the time to sit with me and actually talked to me.. decided to withdraw my intentions to be a nun.. he promised me to pay for a business course and Advice me to go find one that I like to attend…

But what did I know about picking a decent school… I did find one … but My choice wasn’t the best so after a few months I had to …changed to a different one..

Walking home one day … my long hair caught the attention of this man driving past… ( I had the most beautiful jet black hair.. long and shiny.. I regularly wear it flowing and cascading down my back ..) he stopped and offered me a ride home… I accepted…

We started seeing each other which my father didn’t approve because he was older and has been married with three boys.. I however disobeys my dad strict order to stop seeing him.. and that relationship lasted for year and ended badly when he decided to go back to his wife….

School didn’t prove too successful and so I tried working… but that’s also ended up with me losing it..

A few months down the line I met this US marine and for six months I was in glory… I had found love .. but this too ended on a bad note when I found he was also dating another…

I had started a business and management course at a more reputable school…and it was here that I met this other girl who revealed my marine deception… and where I unfortunately gain the likes of my accounts teacher……( I was taking accounts and management course) he decided to Pursue me to my great discomfort… and when I tried to tell him I was not interested he threatened suicide with tears..

And being so damn naive I allow him to persuade me to give him a chance against my will… we ended up living together unfortunately…

We went out one night and his car broke down and I had no way home… so we spent the night in his car and went home that morning…but my dad put the fear of god in me when he warned me not to ever repeat it and to he sure I come home every night..

And the very next weekend I was again stuck with no way home and the option of living with him was a much better option than facing the wrath of my dad…. that was the worst year of my life…

I dropped out of school… he was an alcoholic.. so I was bar hopping with him… being physically abused… often go hungry… moving from place to place.. but I want to prove to my dad that I could do this… but after a year.. I finally got the courage to leave him for good and beg my dad to allow me back home.. he reluctantly did and it took me two years to start dating again…

That relationship had left a bitter taste in my mouth and a callous on my heart…

During this period of my life I was struggling to find my way out… I was not progressing…both my sisters was working in Decent jobs… and I was not… I was by far the least successful one…

My dad own a tobacco company and he allows me to work for him.. I stayed there for two years…until met my first husband… I got pregnant for him but it went sour in my seventh month..

He was a womanizer… and he couldn’t help himself… he told me once that he was like a dog thrown in a pen full of all different kinds of meat…. so he just have to take bites out of everyone.. and it’s not that he love me less.. it’s just that he has all these tasteful choices and he just couldn’t resist biting into them… but know that I’m his favorite…and he will always loves me the best…

I couldn’t see it his way so left him with his delightful choices and moved back home… I had my baby.. got back together with him.. and he took care of us until he decided to move back home to America.. he was an American…

Me and my stepmom was really not the best of friends… but she agrees to look after my son while I go work.. I was very appreciative but I honestly neglected my son with the poor excuse that he’s well taken care of..

everyone in my family undermines me and I had no control over him.. so

I allowed everyone to take control away from me because I lacked the guts to stand up to them.. so as usual I run away and hide instead… I got lost in working three jobs..never realizing how much I was hurting my baby boy…

My stepmom took pride in full responsibility and never fails to put me down to my son…

But..

I did allow it gladly… telling myself that he’s ok and he is loved by everyone… this lasted five years until my father passed away from an heart attack…

Then everything changes for me.. I quit my job… I ended my four year relationship with a non progressed guy… that following year went by with me not remembering what took place.. I was in a daze..

But…

The second year.. I got married to my best friend.. .. he was my salvation and my angel….he was the best thing ever to happen to me… too bad it took me until he died to realize the great blessing he was to me….

I got pregnant with my second son.. that same year…my stepmom chased me out of the house letting me know that I won’t be bringing no more babies inside there.. and of course I allow her to decide my fate.. I had to leave my first son behind… this was my second mistake in abandoning him..

But the truth be told.. she wanted us girls out.. so she and her biological sons could have the house… she got her desire… of course..I made up my mind never to return to that house.. let her have it.. I will get mine someday…

I had been to hell and back with my baby father.. and when my baby was a year and ten months… I decided to do something about coming to America… my husband was an American .. so I asked him to file for me…

I got the chance and I took it..from the first day I set foot on American soil.. my whole world has changed for the better…

***************++**********++***********

TO BE CONTINUED….

A SLAP 👋 IN FACE…. part 4

Born December 27th

….. John woke up and saw me outside.. he came and asked if I was ready to go.. I told him yes..

I sat there thinking and wishing I did not made the choice I had.. and feeling so upset because apart from upsetting her I have ruin my Christmas plans..

I got up retrieved my things and said bye to her.. not getting a response..

And head for the car.. my son and I .. we had a good little conversation on our way… and he was very sympathetic to me.. he shows understanding and actually told me that he thinks she has more issues than she thinks he has..

I had to agree with that statement.. he gives me a few examples of her iritic outburst… which he thought was very unnecessary especially with her eldest… but he said she doesn’t receive advices or suggestions too well…

That was enough explanation for me..

It was their second anniversary so I asked him to go easy on her and try not to do or say anything to upset the day…

He dropped me off and headed back home..

It took me two days to overcome my feelings.. and on the second day I thought I’d send her a text apologizing.. hoping she would now be in a better frame of mind..

Hey 👋 Megan..

I do hope you are feeling much better today…

I’m so sorry 😐 my visit took a turn for the worst…

I didn’t mean to upset 😡 you so badly..

I just wanted to spend some time with you and enjoy 😊 your company..

So sorry 😐 for what I have said to make you so 😠 mad…

It was never my intentions..

I just hope we can move forward and beyond it..

And continue as friends..

I am not mad with you..

I know you are just going through a very emotional time right now. .. being in your last month of pregnancy 🤰 and all..

And have a family to take care of..

You are doing such an awesome 👏 job sweet girl…

You are a strong girl and you are a most wonderful mom and wife…

Keep on doing what you are doing..”

It went unanswered..

I even tried to butter her up.. hoping she would smile..

Ooh well!!?? I guess I just better leave it at that..

The next two weeks to Christmas 🎄 was very emotional for me because for the very first time I’m not going to be celebrating 🥳 Christmas without John…

John came over Christmas Eve with ayden..

We went out to eat.. he spent a few hours then leave..

We had exchange Christmas 🎄 gifts 🎁 . And good wishes ..

So next day ( Christmas 🎄 Day) was just me and my younger son home.. I tried to make the best of it..

The day came and went very uneventful..

I got a text from John that Friday.. baby coming.. and a couple hours later.. he sent photos..

So baby was born at 10am Friday morning…

And just when I was getting over my emotional state .. here comes another reason for me to be sad 😢…

I won’t be able to go see my granddaughter.. and I vowed that I would never go back to her home unless she personally invited me..

It’s been two weeks since the birth of my granddaughter..

And she did send some pictures to me and we had a little texting dialogue.. but I haven’t heard from her since..

And I’m not anxiously thinking that is an invite to resume connection..

So I will wait until she decided to do so..

I have been talking to friends about what happens.. and their suggestions have me looking at the whole scenario differently.. and at different angles…

One such suggestions is that maybe she wanted to cut John’s families out of the picture..

I don’t really care too much other than I’m not going to be able to spend much time with my granddaughter..

But I can do it if I have to.. I just find it so funny.. the extreme of it all..

Here I’m am left with total responsibility of my younger son daughter.. to the point that I have to ask him to give me a break..

And now I’m not going to be able to see this one at all..

I just can’t win for losing…

I will just have to let it all play out and deal with whatever comes..

Featured

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE.. part 1

YOUR MOOD SHOULD NOT DICATE YOUR MANNERS

The visit

I have a daughter in law for the past ten years.. my oldest son wife…

They have three boys and is expecting a little girl in January…

They live in another city from me..and they just purchased a house …

It’s approximately an hour driving to get to me so I don’t get to see them and my grandchildren too often…

My daughter in law….MEG…. and I don’t really talk too much… she’s a nice pleasant girl and we get along quite well…

I have seen her… in early November during her baby shower…but haven’t really spoken to her… so after a nearly a month I decided to call her to check up on her… and while we were talking she mentioned she was on vacation…

And me being free totally invited myself over to spend a couple days with her.. I thought it would be so nice to just chitchat with her and I would be able to spend some time with my grandsons..

I called my son and told him of my big plan.. and asked him to pick me up that weekend… I was a little excited for the opportunity to get away for a couple days..and was rather thrilled to spend some time with meg and the boys.. also see my son.. I miss seeing him..

He agreed on Sunday.. but come Sunday he said he wasn’t able to make it and would come for me Wednesday instead.. my mind went in over ride… with all the negative reasons he decided not to pick me up..

To say the least.. I was very disappointed 😔 to the point of tears … I was so looking forward to this visit..

My son somehow sensed my feelings and I got a text from him that same evening that meg will pick me up next day… my first feelings was to denied it.. but I thought I was just being petty.. and acting silly… so I just said okay 👌…I will be ready and waiting..

Come Monday morning I got up got myself ready .. she arrived at about 11am.. I was glad to see her.. and I mentioned my concern about her driving so far in her condition… she assured me she was fine but I was still a bit worried 😟 to the point of guilt..having her come all this way for me…

I pushed it aside though.. trying not to let my feelings mess up my visit.. I’m just going to enjoy meg and the boys…

The evening went by well.. we took some time to talk and catch up… the boys was very happy 😃 to see me.. I told meg I would cook dinner to give her the break to just relax…

My son got home a little late.. and a little tired..

We all eat… and then sit down to watch a little tv 📺…

The next day was their anniversary so we talked about that and their plans… then we went on to talk about Christmas and the menu..

And what is expected.. I mentioned that I was going to come over a couple days before just so I could get everything prep and to give meg a break from doing much in her last weeks of pregnancy….

The conversation went to gifts 🎁 for the boys.. and meg mentioned that John (my son) was talking about giving the youngest a car for his sixteen birthday 🎁..

That is eight years away…so I intervene and told John that he has to think of the two older boys first..

( you see the two oldest is his stepsons and he feels it’s their fathers duty to give them a 🚘 car)

So we had a little debate on that with me trying to convince him to be fair enough as a father and know that he has to do for them as much as his own biological son… meg mentioned that the second boy chooses to be there with them… in the sense of proving that he loves his stepdad..

I didn’t comment on what she said apart from agreeing with her… but it causes me to think and wonder if she would allow him to live with his dad if he so desires…

Over the past ten years I tried to give my motherly advice to her as much as she asked for it…or if I observed something I think needed to be addressed I would offer some kind of suggestions or say what I think.. she was always receptive to my little advices and interferences… because I live apart from them I limit what I say or how I feel seeing that I really don’t have much control on anything.. so all in all I do allow them to be the boss of their life…

In saying so.. I found out a few months ago that she removed her oldest son out of his home and put him to live with her mom.. I asked my son about it and he asked me not to mention it to her because it’s a very sensitive subject with her… so against my feelings I decided to not asked her or mentioned it…

I actually didn’t agree with her decision and I wanted to let her know my reasons and tried to encourage her to get him back in with his brothers .. I fear what the seperation might do to him emotionally and how it will affect him..

I made a similar choice with her husband… I moved out and leave him behind and eventually relocated abroad…

He suffered from abandonment issues and went into deep depression as a teenager… So this is what I fear will happen with her son eventually if she doesn’t get him back home soon..

But I honor my son’s request and decided to leave it alone.. as much as we talked and much as I like her.. I was not that close to her to interfere in her personal choice… I just didn’t think it was in my place to question her decision with her son as much as it displeased me…

……………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED

BEING A MOM… VS… BEING A GRANDMA…

So sweet she is

My most beautiful granddaughter…

It’s so amazing how we think so very differently as we aged enough to experience the joy of being called grandma…

Maybe it’s the experience of age..

Maybe it’s just living to see your children having children…

Or maybe it’s the journey through life that leaves us with the changes and experiences that make us think differently and treat the grand offsprings with such differences compared to how we treated our own children…

I’m so happy to be able to be alive to experience the grandchildren I have now…

But…

I do realize that I have such a different attitude and approach with them than I ever had with their parents..

I show more patience …

More understanding….

More eagerness…

I reflect back sometimes and it makes me sad sad 😞 to remember how impatient I was…how much I lack understanding…

And just how apathetic I was…

Yet I know I have loved my kids… as much as any mother could… but.. I lack that interest to give my all…

We call it discipline .. we call it structure .. we call it teaching…

Yet just years later we forget why and how we did what we did.. and doesn’t apply it to our grandchildren….

We have a complete set of new rules and expect our kids to take our new found advice and abide by them… when dealing with their kids…

My son had to remind me of how I scolded him for some kind of behavior I was insisting that he doesn’t do when he was trying to discipline his baby…

And I tried so hard to justify my then actions.. so he could understand my now reasoning for not wanting him to apply such.. with his daughter…

Life really teaches us.. and it brings changes… of how we see everything…

I have to really restrain myself from interfering with his methods of discipline… and allow him to be the father to his daughter.. whether or not I approve or not…

I guess we all have different values we try to instill in our kids…every parent have their very own…and we just have to allow and respect each and every one to be the boss of their kids upbringing…

Just as I have learned along way… I think so will everyone else too…

So I will continue to enjoy my sweet and adorable grandbabies… when I do get the chance…

And leave my kids to their parenting skills… afterall … they are the boss of them…

BESTIES 👯….TILL NOT …. Cory… part 3

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END…

We were doing well until about two months down the line.. you see Cory has his own preferences and likes… and he confided in me these things…

I indulge him when he first told me… we all have something we are into that’s our personal secrets..

So I understood this and let him go on about it.. I even encouraged him and give him room to express his feelings… I joked with him and entertained his habits even it was not something I particularly find joy in…

After a while when I realize that he chooses to share much too often these likes with photos…videos… or little jokes which tickles him …. but actually annoys me or as much as repulse me .. I asked him kindly not to share anymore with me because I don’t enjoy them …

He agrees but he continues to send them to me… so on this particular day he sent me some photos which he finds very interesting… and I guess amusing…

I said to him…

” Cory I Don’t find joy in these photos.. please stop sending me them”…

It was a text message…

Maan…. did he get upset…

He started to call me selfish and controlling….and claimed that he would never tell me to stop sending him photos even if he doesn’t like them..

He proceeded to call me 🤙 directly and we ended up in an heated argument … me being very belligerent and him criticizing my character.. trying to tell me how I am and how I like to control things.. I

I even reminded him of an incident where he did not like a inspirational video I sent because he had very different opinions and views about these kinds of videos….

We did have a discussion about it with me trying to convince him to see it through my eyes… and I had to end up accepting defeat and I promise him I will not share anymore of these kind of videos with him…

And I didn’t anymore…

I totally disagree with the fact that I am controlling and telling I own my right to choose what I like or don’t…

We were talking verbally and I’m very weak in conversation verbally… especially when I’m getting angry…

I ask him why is he attacking my character and why is he questioning my morals and dignity…

He continues to say how very selfish I am and how I am ; giving me all kinds of examples from our pass conversations…

So after I realize I’m here trying to justify my self and trying to explain too much to him .. just because I asked him not to send me those pics…

I hung up with him…

After I calm down a little.. I sent him a text asking him to let’s move past this topic seeing that we have established what I am and who I am…

He responded back .. agreeing to do so…

I did not hear from him the next few days.. he ignored all my text messages .. so I give a couple more days and send him another text…

I asked him if his lack of communication means that our friendship is over… he responded back that we have nothing to talk about unless I call him directly without the texting mode…

To be honest I was kinda annoyed with his attitude… so I told him I will call him another day…

And I told him I hope we can move on with our friendship as is .. and put all this stuff behind us…

He again tells me it’s just me trying to control everything and it’s only about what I want… he said he is not finished with our conversation as yet..

oooh boy!!!(sigh)…..

I just texted ok..

And stop …

After two days I decided to call him like he requested.. and it wasn’t long before we ended up back where we left off..I tried my best to explain and begging 🥺 him to just drop it.. because I don’t see the sense in us arguing about a subject that has no relevance to what started the whole thing.. me asking him to stop sending me those pictures….

But he just wouldn’t let go.. and then he mentioned that he was not the only one that thinks I’m controlling…

Now this started a whole new argument…because I got really upset asking him who is The others… because there is no others in our circle…

So after a few minutes of debating on that and I came up with the conclusion that the other can only be ABBEY…. she is our only mutual connection… I ended our conversation again…

Of course this really did not go well with him…but I cannot have a reasonable discussion when I’m upset….

so I sent him another text message pleading with him to let get past this phase and move forward….

He was at all receptive to this suggestion because he said we have unfinished topics…

So I let another couple days go by before I attempt again to resume our communication… he also refused to connect with me…leaving me thinking that he was waiting on me to make the first move….

I really didn’t want us to end on this note or was I willing to give up on our friendship; and so I try to be the more mature one and make that attempt to resolve our differences…

However before I call I sent him a text stating that I really want to move beyond our dispute … asking him to let’s leave it where it is…

He somehow agrees and so I called…

The conversation started on a very good note…and we talked about other subjects until he decided he wanted to mention something pertaining to the past conversations..

I allowed him.. thinking I’m going to stay as calm as I can and try to see if I can answer his questions and move away from it..

But.. again it spiral out of control and he made comments that really irks me… and I couldn’t get him to change the subject so I abruptly hang up… i was very mad at him and myself for allowing him to get me to this point..

And so I send him this last text….

I have had enough of your questioning of me..

I think it’s time for me to exit on this relationship we call friendship…

I can’t do this anymore..

You obviously can’t accept me as is and so you have the choice not to…

It was good while it lasted

I’m just too old to be trying to explain myself and justify me to ya..

We were just friends…

Not enough for you to convict me and crucify me for being me…

Goodbye 👋 Cory.

I hate how you twist everything around to suit you

And contradicts yourself.

Just so you can pin me in a corner..

You

Just pushed me over the edge…

So you just killed me with everything we were….

You win

You successfully destroyed me.. and our friendship..”

I know I was very impulsive but I just had about enough of those irrelevant subject…

So I thought I would give him a break for us to forget all this nonsense…

I know my text sounded final.. but I’m hoping I can resume connection after some time have passed…

***********************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT…. part 4

MY REACTION AND CHOICES…

She disappoint me with her response.. I wanted her just say to me…

“Wendy I don’t like that you are asking Cory for money for me…please don’t or please stop…”

Anything that will counteract her voice call to Cory… I would have understood her feelings knowing her as the friend she is…

So I really became upset thinking she really was trying to ruin my reputation and discredit me to Cory… without even giving me credit for trying to help her…I shook my head and made the only choice I think was appropriate…

Walk away from this friendship.. so I decided to send her another text.. I didn’t even want to talk to her..I was done …

“Well Abbs..

I guess it takes me almost 40 years to figure out that you are not truly for me…

I’m very disappointed 😔 that this friendship was not as real to you as it was for me..

I really thought I was doing everything I can to help a friend in need..

and I centered my help around you…

And you go and discredit me to a dear friend .. a friend who was more than willing to help me help you…

Cory is somewhat of a special person… but I’m afraid o

From where I’m standing..

I see ingratitude..

I see false pride..

I see you don’t see All the effort I have been making to help you stay afloat ….

But I don’t need any recognition because I was doing it out of loyalty and as a friend…

I am withdrawing my friendship from you..

I really hoped life treats you well…Abbs

I never thought this how we would have ended our friendship..

But as things stand..

You ended it a long time ago…

And it’s so obvious that you really don’t want my interference in your life or do you need my help…

Goodbye abbey..”

She did respond with a lengthy text wanted to know if she has ever been kind to me.. and playing dumb to my accusations of her discrediting me..

And informing Me of her plans to get her finances in check…never acknowledging my efforts to be of help to her…She mentioned that she was not ungrateful but didn’t actually state for what… and she went on about how Independent she is and how she tries to do for herself…

I didn’t bother to respond to her… I just didn’t see the sense.. the forty years of friendship was not in question.. or was her character….it was all about what she said to Cory in that negative way… I didn’t want to go back in history.. and I didn’t feel like giving her my reassurance of how I hold her in his esteem because of her drive and willingness to do everything it takes to be a better person..

This was my ultimate reason for going to the extreme to try to help her get over this bump/ hurdle… I know she was capable of getting certified so she can be more flexible and versatile in the job market….

I want her to have choices and options…

I thought she understood this when I promised her to help get by until she finished with that course…

it takes just two minutes to completely destroy our lifelong friendship…and it really saddens me to know that she never appreciated all that I have tried to do for her..

And I have done so much over the years… don’t get me wrong..she has done for me too.. I could make a long list of all she did for me…because these are the reasons I value our friendship…and remain friends our the years…

And I thought it goes both ways… I always appreciate her and always was full of gratitude for being her friend…

It really hurt me to know that she didn’t quite feel the same way as I did…

So here goes…

My bestie… until proven not:…

All in all though…

what she did and say did not take away nothing from those forty years we had invested in being friends…

I still value and savor those years…it was a great friendship up until that moment..

It just comes the time to end…

I bid her farewell and wish her the best…

I know I did what I could. . She just mess it all up… without realizing what she really lost…

A TRUE FRIEND….

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT… part 3

THE MESS THAT ENDS IT ALL…

Continues….

My son decided to go to West Virginia to be with his girl while she give birth to his baby… and during those months of him being there I didn’t have his financial help so I became a little short on extra cash..

So I slacked off with my monetary help.. Cory However help when he could..

Her course was coming up to the end.. but she was far from getting her certification… and I was still not able to be of much help..

Cory ask for her number said he would like to check in on her personally…and I gave it to him..

He called her and she asked me about his reasons for calling.. I told her he just wanted to say hi and informed her that he was he benefactor the last few months…

Cory used to inform me about their conversations..

But…

Abbey never mentioned Cory to me again since that first time.. I waited for her to tell me that they are connecting and communicating but as time goes on by.. nothing…

I didn’t feel like I should ask her because Cory was letting me know they were.. and I felt she probably had her reasons for not telling me… although I couldn’t but wondering about the secret.

About a week in communicating she hit him up for money..he couldn’t wait to tell me all disappointed that she proves to be like everyone else… using him as a cash cow..

I tried to explain to him that she was desperate and probably didn’t have any one left to ask… seeing that she probably exhausted all her options …

I encouraged him to give it to her if he can afford to.. and he agreed..said that he would.. I know she needed the help…

A month Or two passed and she lost her credit for phone calls… they were corresponding via “WHATSAPP “…and she had to purchase weekly credits… like a top up….so Cory asked me to call her and asked her how much it would cost to get her phone back on.. and also find out how much she needs to get her through the month…

I did ..but I tried to not let on that I know she was asking Cory for money… so I indirectly asked her without giving away what I know…

(I did call her the day before and asked her how she was getting along and asked her if she was getting help from anyone..)

We came up with an amount That seems reasonable and she was worried about if we were asking too much..

I assured her that I knows Cory’s position and have a good idea what he can afford… and even remind her that we are really good and close friends…

So I hang up with her and call Cory to tell him what we came up with…

He said it was okay and that he would let me have it that weekend for her..

So I texted her and give her the info and let her know I will definitely remind him.. she responded by saying thanks..

I woke up to a voice text from Cory..him apologizing to me telling me how he knows exactly how I’m feeling.. I got very curious and went straight to to voice message.. trying to figure out what he’s going on about…

Surprised..!!!! It was a recording of a phone call he got from her…. ouch!!!!

She was telling him that I was very wrong in doing what I’m doing..and that she never asked me to asked him for any money… stating that I do things like this all the time and even mentioned the GoFundMe episode..how it almost damaged our friendship… and she doesn’t like my behavior but don’t want to hurt my feelings…

I really didn’t know how to take it at first….

So I took some time to think about it.. I spoke to Cory ask him what he thinks… and if he thinks there was any validation in what she said… I decided to send her a text with the reminder to Cory like I had promised… hoping she would say to me what she said to him..

I just couldn’t believe she would make such statements against me without letting me know how she felt….So I want to give her that open opportunity to let me know that she doesn’t like what I’m doing…

So I texted her…..

Hey Abbs..

Just talk to Cory and remind him of that money 💴 he said he would send..

But he’s a a bit busy at work so he said he will get back with me on it later..

Just so you know…

Hope all is well with you…

MY FRIEND…”

Her reply….

“Thanks Wendy, appreciate it.”

Oooh maan..Nope she didn’t appreciate nothing.. she just tried to discredit me to MY Friend

I just couldn’t understand it… this is my best friend.. we share everything together… we talked about everything.. good bad and inbetween…

And Cory is my friend.. I introduced him to her… where is her loyalty…

I know Cory deceived her trust..but she doesn’t even know him well or long enough to call him a friend…

And Cory was very loyal and faithful to me and our friendship… all the wrong she believes I’m doing to her…it’s me trying to help her out financially…

What did I do so wrong..??!!!

In my eyes and in defense…the only crime I committed was trying too damn hard to do right by her…

I went as far as asking my friend to help me help her..

But..

I’m not in her shoes..I can’t see it from her point of view.. and how I wish I asked her why she was so secretive about her communication with Cory… it still puzzled me…

And so my thoughts started to change…..

**********************

TO BE CONTINUED……

Part 4… My Reaction And Choices…

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT… part 2

THE MESS UP …. THAT ENDS IT ALL

…… fast forward to present….

Abbey has been having a very difficult time both financially and her living condition….

She was out of a job for a while until she picked up something a live in job taking care of an elderly lady…it is a 24hr job..and the pay is not practical for such time consumption and labor… it takes dedication and consume her entire focus…

And her employers expect her to also do house duties as well… it’s a paycheck and it helps her stays afloat…but she doesn’t have a social life..because of it time consumption… she couldn’t demand more salary because she was not qualified in the department of practical nursing Although her duties were such..:

After a year of working in this job she decided it would be wise to get certified in it..

So she makes up her mind to do a year course in practical nursing..

Only one itch..it has to be full time.. she thought about it… talked to me.. tell me her decisions and the choices she had made…

I fully encouraged her..and make a promise to her that I would do everything I can to help her along within the year she would be doing her studies…

She said she was going to also ask her brother and some other relatives to help her..

She was willing to make the sacrifice and i was all for it feeling very proud of her to actually go through with it.. I thought she has guts and was very ambitious and I know she would be able to do much better once she gets certified.:.

So she enrolled.. I helped her with some money to get it going … pay the tuition..ect.ect. and I even get her, her text book (which was very expensive and way over her budget)….and sent it to her…

I was trying to do what I can to help her along…

So she started..off in February that year … and I hold up my end of the bargain and help financially with as much as I could afford..I even went as far as asking my children and friends to help me help her.. one month when I couldn’t do it… and they came through for me.

I had some financial issues the next couple of months and so I tried to think of ways I could still accumulate the money she needs to help her along..

Sitting there thinking.. I thought of a GoFundMe.. account for her.. I had used it the year before to help me out when I needed help to save my house from going in foreclosure..

so I went ahead and created the account without consulting with her or informing her of my decision … I really thought it was not a big deal and that I was just trying to help and this was an option…

I’m Known for my overly presumptuousness ….

so I told her story …. to get my audience sympathy .. put up her picture …and posted it….

Now I had a really good and kindest friend ever… we became friends when he donated to my cause last year when I had my story running.. he actually donated four times..

And so begins our wonderful friendship… I was always so grateful to him.. and I hold him with great regards…

And he likes me so much that we became great phone pals.. we talked almost every day…

So when I put her story out

He immediately picked it up..and call to let me know that he was going to pledge $200 a month to help me help her.. because I was so passionate to her cause..

This $200 US… was more than enough to cover her basic needs… I thought it was a blessing…

He donated a $ 100 that same day ..I was so excited by his generosity that I immediately called abbey to let her know what has conspired with what I have done…

I sent her that $100 right away..

But…..

When I informed her of the GoFundMe.. account and tell her of Cory’s pledge..the reaction I had anticipated or expected was not what she greets me with…

She was very annoyed to the point of anger she said I should have discussed it with her first..and that she didn’t like that I put her business online.. that she’s very private unlike me..

I was very disappointed to say the least.. I tried to argue with her on the point of me trying to help her… and reminded her of Cory’s pledge….and that it is no big deal..

But she was very belligerent and didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say..in her eyes I was just plain wrong … I agreed with her because the truth was….

I did not ask her permission or let her know I was doing it…and so I decided to cancel the account hence there goes Cory’s pledge..

I didn’t hear from her for a few days after that.., I figured she was mad at me .. so I called and apologize to her for over stepping my boundaries… and asked her not to let this ruin our friendship… I pleaded with her to forgive me for being so insensitive and for being so presumptuous..

She reluctantly accepted my apology ..

She has the nerve to ask me though if Cory could still help her.., I simply told her no because I canceled the GoFundMe account…

I accepted the wrong and I still continue to do what I could to help her..

I told Cory what took place and he was very disappointed and hurt that she refuses his pledge but he still wants to help me help her some …but I never let her know this…he keeps on asking after her.. and insisted on helping me help her… I really appreciate his generosity and appreciated him even more as a friend..

He was proving to be a really awesome 👏 friend….

I know abbey needs the help even though she was stubborn with her unnecessary pride…

*****++++*******++++++

TO BE CONTINUED……

The build up to the final straw (part 3)

A GLIMSE IN AN OLD LADY’S 👵 LIFE ….

All seniors in our sixties… where did the years go

When did we get so old…????!!!!☺️😊🤔🤫

I get so nostalgic sometimes getting lost in time gone by…

It seems like a lifetime ago we were teenagers or younger versions of us..

I look in the mirror sometimes and I hardly recognize the person looking back at me..and I have to ask myself… when did I get so old..

Then I looked at my children …adults..having children of their own..

And I have to snap myself out of yesterday and force myself into the present..and take a good hard look at them and see them as is now ..

Instead of still viewing them as the babies I held in my arms..30 plus years ago….

It’s funny how we hold on to the past and find it so hard to let go of the images we hold so dear….

And all of a sudden I feel so old..realizing how far I have traveled to where I am today.. the journey has been good with a little bump here and there..

But..

The miles have slipped by so quickly and the journey seems to take us so far in the future …. it becomes our present…without realizing how far we have traveled..

Now looking at where I am … to where I’m coming from…it’s like waking up from a dream…

There is so much unfinished things…so much I still want to do… but taking a step back and looking back at all that I have accomplished…and that was achieved…

I smile with great pride knowing that I lived a full life… making the best of everything I had… life has been good..and yes …

I may have made some poor choices but…

I also made some good ones…

One thing I always wish for and always wish life offers is….

A chance for a “DO OVER “….

So we just have to keep moving forward…and accepting adjusting to the choices we make..

There is no going back.. there is no undoing what has been done..

Whether good or bad..

Right or wrong..

Mistakes or not..

It’s always too late to change our mind..

So we learn to make lemonade from lemons…

And just keep smiling and keep positive and just keep moving forward.. always stay optimistic that our choices are correct and if not…

We just try again.. until we get it right..

No sense in crying over spilled milk…

We just mop it up and pour another glass..

This is life.. it’s always a gamble..

A hit or miss…

LIFE IS A CHANCE.. but…IT’S ALWAYS WORTH TAKING…

And so..

We are at the end of our journey…

And we live in memories of yesterday..

And I smile every time..

And give thanks for all that life has brought me and has given me…

And I tried not to live in retrospect..

I don’t have much regrets…

I count my blessings and I live in gratitude…

A lifetime worth living….

FREELOADERS: MISS TING

….. I was quite upset with the fact that she didn’t give me that money .. especially when I had to find another way of funding for this outstanding bill…

I tried to stay calm but my emotions was very obvious.. and everything started to bother me…

I became very bitchy… and very grumpy…

My son was becoming the target of my gripes because I know If I had to address her personality I couldn’t and wouldn’t be nice…

One evening my son came out and was joking about things of the past and I was very amused at first and played along with him until he touched that very sensitive subject…

It sparks that fire that was building in me and I completely exploded..

I got so loud and I went off angrily…

and I repeated myself about the money she refuses to give..

But…

can go tanning and eat out everyday..

And yet she claims she can’t afford to pay me what’s I’m due….

Like the water and electricity she uses run on air.. or like I don’t have to pay a mortgage for this house monthly..

Like how she come. Living in here scotch free .. freeloading her ass on everything that I paid for to own…

Acting like she’s entitled and like I owes her freeloading ass a living…

Leaving trails of mess behind her for me to clean up like I’m the maid in my own house…

And when I asked for the bare minimum to help me with all she extra bills she racked up..

I’m mean and nasty and money hungry…

I said all that and more…

my son quickly went to his room.. knowing that…. from experience… when I reached this point of fury.. there is no calming me..

And that I will say everything and more until I feel satisfied…

I stopped and went to my room.. so angry.. that i wanted to run away from it all…

I woke up next day.. still not too happy.. but a little calmer…

Over the next few days I became silent trying to regain my sweet composure…

Until…..

Her birthday was on the 10th…

On the day in question , my son came to me asking if I could watch the baby because they want to go out to celebrate,,,

I refused.. thinking … pleasingly that I would get back at her some and she would have to stay home with baby…

Haha 😆

The joke was on me…

A couple hours later Abraham came with baby asking me to play with her a little..

I told him to let miss Ting deal with her baby today…

There he informs me that she went out with her friends to celebrate..

MISS TING… actually thinks her birthday was so much more important than staying with her baby..

I chuckled.. in disbelief.. and I look at my son and shake my head… telling him that he really is enabling her and spoiling her ass..

I took my granddaughter and I played with her and was convinced that MISS TING is clearly not responsible enough to be a mother…

I see and realized that I have to assist my son with her until she gets older…

But it left a gnawing feelings in my gut that I am stuck with MISS TING… and god knows I really don’t know how I am going to tolerate her for much longer…

I will have to sacrifice my son and my granddaughter and lose both.. which creates great anxieties in me thinking… can I!!!????

We’ll just have to wait and see… and pray for an answer to this dilemma…

**********^^^^^******

TO BE CONTINUED…..

FREELOADERS: MISS TING…

Why does these individuals think they are entitled or thinks everyone owes them a living….

I’m dealing with a bad case of freeloading… and I’m kinda backed in a corner of wall and hard place…

let’s call her Miss Ting….

******^^^^*****

Miss Ting came in life and my home when my son decided that he’s in love with her and bring her back home to Florida with him from Montana….

I welcome her and invited her in my home…

I told my son I’m going to charge her and him to stay here… he wasn’t quite pleased.. firstly he said he will pay me everything I asked…

I told him no way…

She’s not going to live here for free…

So they both started to work and at first they give me what I asked…she was here for nine months and got pregnant…

But I have big issues with her housekeeping..

she don’t…

she created more mess than anything and don’t clean up .. the rooms they occupied was becoming a huge pile of trash and filth..

I’m under the impression that she doesn’t know how to clean and that mess is her norm…

I complain .. I grumbled… I asked..

And my son has to be the one to get it in order everytime..

Let me not mention the bathroom… because I ended up having to clean it up every time…

I was getting really Annoyed and agitated with her and this mess she created…

But.. I tried to not say much to her because she shuts me out.. very non responsive.. and I didn’t want to ask her to leave because my son seems very much in love 🥰 with her…

Miss Ting has access to all my appliances..

All my pots and pans..

All my plates, cups…utensils…

Everything in the house is all mine

and I pay a monthly mortgage ..

The soap she washes her clothes with.. in my washing machine and dryer… I buy..

Toilet paper.. toothpaste…towels.. sheets..

I supplied…

And she comes and she uses without reservation..or guilt…

She was giving me what I requested so I did not mind so much..

I was happy and tried to ignore her mess.. until she went back home to West Virginia.. to her mommy and daddy to have her baby,..

My son went with her…

I had mixed feelings about him leaving..

I was glad to see her go but I missed my son and I feared him not coming back home..

They stayed away four months and I prayed that he come back home…

( But Sometimes you have to be very careful with what you pray for… because god answers prayers..

and you might just get what you pray for..)

So they return with baby…in September…

She immediately went back to work…

My son’s car wasn’t working so he decided to wait a while before going back to work…

and help me along with getting used to the baby…and getting his car in working condition…

Okay.. September rolls off and I let it go without mentioning I need some payments for extra expenses..

Come October I decided to mention to her that our previous arrangements is still in effect and I need that money by the end of the month….

After some debate about not knowing or thinking she was still responsible for giving me that money..

….and me reminding her of all the extra utilities and stuff she’s racking up.. we decided on November 1st…which was a definite date…

With Abraham not working and unable to play his part of contributions I was counting on her money to cover an outstanding bill..

I leave it at that.. and I struggled with her mess and her neglect of her baby all month…

I ended up washing and sterilizing the baby bottles… every day..

I took responsibility of washing the baby’s clothes…

She doesn’t.. so I do it…

And I find myself ending up with baby even when she’s home.. so I refuse to be responsible for the baby whenever she’s off…

But.. my son ended up with the responsibility… it irritates and annoys me…and I try to keep out of their personal affairs until it starts to affects me.. whereas I’m expected to keep her while they goes out..

I then become belligerent …

And so they realize I was not happy with their attitude…

So now with all that happening during the month of October…. come November the first.. I reminded her by text of our agreement….

She has the nerves to let me know that she won’t be able to pay me with a long list of excuses and reasons..

I plainly tell her that all her reasons is none of my concern and that I need my money today…

We went back and forth for five minutes with me telling and reminding her of all that she’s been using up and what it’s been costing and that nothing is free..

Of course I still came out the loser..and I was mad 😡 and furious…

I want her out of my house but my son and his baby prevented me from asking her to leave..

I know if she goes so does the baby and I didn’t want to put Abraham through that emotional pain…

So miss Ting is getting a free pass because of my son and his baby…

I am not in the least happy with her at all…

I am thinking and thinking of ways to get around this situation that I find myself in..

I’m really confused..

unsure…

Disturbed..

Apprehensive

Perturbed …. ect.. ect..

***********************

TO BE CONTINUED….

LETTING GO..

Question?????

When do you know when to let go of people that has been apart of your life for as long as you are alive..???

(Example.. relatives… siblings.. friends..)

All my life I have been treated with such distaste by my sisters and relatives..

I have suffered so much indignity. And live through so much indifference.. so much I became apathetic…

I never had much friends in my life.. and my sisters used to shun me and treated me as if they are so much smarter and better than I was…

And I actually allowed them to.. I give them control over me.. I think I was hoping if I give in they would accept me as a part of their group.. and I remember wanting so much to be …

but..

All that happens was they just make fun of me.. I was like their biggest joke..

And how did I respond to all that..

by withdrawing more.. and hiding myself behind closed doors.. feeling sorry for myself.. trying to figure out why am I so different.. why can’t they like me..

As I get older I learn how to be a loner.. I eventually find a friend or two..which lasted to this day…

And I have learned to let go of all that mistreatment.. and try to have a normal relationship with my sisters..

But..

I guess old habits are hard to let go.. because I still see them treating me with the same attitude.. which I mostly ignored..

I have changed..

why can’t they..

as adults.. our lives are almost on the same level..

I was the first to achieve and accomplished progressively… due to a very smart choice… I got married to my friend… and so I was in the position to help them both until …

they eventually did too.. yet they still look down at me as if they are way above me…

And the funniest thing is .. I still try to get their approval.. still try to win their friendship and love..

But..

I come to realize that it’s a losing battle..

And…

decides it’s time to let go of them.. they will never see me as equal or has someone to be proud of…

They are always gonna look down on me..

I don’t need them in my life…

Do I..??? Nah….

I have talked to my friends about my decision.. of course they all disagreed with me and my reasons..

And as much as I can understand and value their opinions and arguments..

I stand by my choice.. I think it’s for the best for me..

if I don’t have to interact with them… there will be no reason for me to think about them.. therefore all this feelings of rejection.. unloved.. unacceptance … will no longer affects me…

We have to do what we think is right for us….and I do think this is right for me..

I’m letting go of them.. I’m freeing myself.. cutting the ties that bind…

I have overcome it all by myself… without their help.. and if they could have been of assistance to me.. they’d refused…

I have grown.. I have learned … and I have accomplished..

I don’t need any ones permission to walk away.. and stay away… or to let go….

I’m content in who I am and where I have reached.. I have everything I need to be completely happy..

I have been duly blessed..with valuable friends and two amazing children

So I’m choosing to let go of everything that’s negative.. and only take time for all the positive influences in my world..

*****************

THE WINTER OF MY LIFE….

WINTER….

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, and embarking on my new life. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is… the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise… How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. But, here it is…my friends are retired and getting grey… they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some in worse shape than me…but, I see the great change… Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant..but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore… it’s mandatory!

Cause if I don’t on my own free will… I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so…now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I’m not sure how long it will last… this I know, that when it’s over on this earth…it’s NOT over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn’t done…things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have

done. It’s all in a lifetime.

So, if you’re not in your winter yet…let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it timely! Don’t put things off too long!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life…so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember…and hope that

they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

“Life” is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!

REMEMBER:….

“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO – ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you……

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~You forget names… But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything…. especially golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed.

It’s called “pre-sleep”.

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… “what?” “where?”

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry – it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless!?”

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…. 2 of which you will never wear.

~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all,

OLD FRIENDS!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind of winter yours is or is going to be. Enjoy life b4 winter or enjoy the winter. Wherever u may be, my friend I wish you Gods blessings.. for a warm and cozy winter…

A MESSY LOVE STORY… part 13b

He had a lay over in Houston.. and he takes the time to talk to a few friends..

It took another hour or so to touch down on his home town… he just got off the plane and was heading towards home.. he had again bought a little gift for his little friend.. so he texted his girl and asked. Teasingly..

“Who’s up fo sno-cone.. tomorrow..???? Whoop whoop!!!..”

Her respond was that she has to find her way to Affordable… and she hopes her sister is able to take her..

So he inquired what she needs there..???!!!

She then informed him that she found out that they got “BED BUGS…” and she is getting rid of most of her furniture and she needs to replace them..

Ooh my God… wtf… on top of everything else roaches and cats and mess.. now BEDBUGS…

She was sending long texts telling him of what’s she’s doing… what she is getting rid of..

making it seems like she’s throwing out everything. Couch .. beds.. chairs..

And he wondering why is being so overly dramatic And why is she getting rid of good furniture that can be treated and kept…

Her bed wasn’t infected.. or is it… and how is she going to afford to replace all that on her budget…

He regained his composure from this shocking news..

and he all of a sudden was feeling that he can’t be anywhere near her or her house right now..

he was building up a phobia of transferring them to his car and his home.. he was treating it like the plague…

All that mess she created and accumulated in that house..

she has every rodent and insect living with her.. she offers the comfort of a home for them.. the perfect environment for breeding..

When is enough going to be enough for him to walk away.. . I guess this is it..

he found himself itching and his skin feels like they are crawling all over him.. He shudders in disgust.. with the thought of them all over In her home …

She sent a photo of her mom’s chair …

For months???!!!

And how could it be that bad and she never noticed… doesn’t she cleans mom’s chair occasionally…

And he shudders again.. uughh!!! Eww 😷.. he couldn’t even look on it too long… when he thinks he has been to her home.. sit in that couch.. and she’ has these bedbugs.. crawling all around..

He starts to itch again..

A thought occurred to him.. here she was giving him the details of it all.. without shame or reservations..

Not caring how it makes her look to him.. like its the most natural thing in the world..

He finds himself a little annoyed that she allows this to happen and he became a little mean and harsh with his comments and answers..

And she has the nerve to be talking about giving people some baby belongings she has with a crib..

He asked her if she’s out of her damn mind.. because they for sure would be fully infested .. and how would she want to transfer them to someone else’s home …

“Toss them.. out.”..

“Nobody in America wants used baby clothes.. have you ever seen any baby section in all the thrift stores and the goodwill stores you have been to..????!!!

Nah!!! Get rid of them girl..”

She was so offended by his comments and got so offensive…

she texted back telling him she is the only one who can decide what to keep.. and what to discard… because it’s hers..

and she not going to Toss good clothes out.. and that she’s selling the crib..

He just shook his head and laugh out loudly…

And then she has the nerves to imply and suggested that he could be the one to bring them in her house…

Whattttt!!!!????

He address the comment immediately and tell her don’t she dare suggest that he were in any way responsible for such.. Because she is only messy friend he have… and I’m are hoping I didn’t bring any home with me….the last time I were there…

And he let her know if she was cleaning as she should have been..

She wouldn’t be facing this calamity and try to pass on the blame to him of all persons…

He then decided to leave her to own decisions.. but he won’t be going by any time soon…

She was way out of line with that implication… how could she have even think of making that remark to him..

Bedbugs!!!?? He thinks as he made a face of disgust 🤭🤢😑😬

She can stay with them.. one thing for sure. She wouldn’t be seeing him this trip..

He went through the afternoon fuming at her allegation.. and as he sits there shaking his head and thinking.. she got the nerves ..

he got a text from one of his girls.. Sandy… he haven’t talk to her for a while.. so he called and she invited him over the next day asking him if he wants to accompany her to a celebration for her relatives at the Marriott hotel…

He Gladly accepted her invitation… it was surely a welcome distraction right now…

They spoke for a little catching up with each other.. and after he hung up he felt so much better… he was even smiling with the anticipation of a good day tomorrow….that he lost his anger with that girl of his…

He finally settled down and turned in for the night… He drifted off to sleep thinking of sandy remembering how much fun she was in the past and hoping to rehash some of that Funtime come tomorrow…

********^^^^^*******^^^^*******^^^****

TO BE CONTINUED…

(THE DAY WITH SANDY)

A MESSY LOVE 💕 STORY… part 13

He got back to his desert life… and somehow felt more at home here… he breathed a sigh of relief and find himself feeling.. this is where he belong..

Nothing was back home for him anymore… he gets himself settled in ..he had the evening off.. so he took a short nap.. then gets up to eat something.. he wonders around camp a little trying to pass time and reflecting back on his past week back home…

He was not really angry.. but it really disturbed him that his girl treated him so cold and shabby… he then smile with the thought that he is losing his touch… He shakes his head… and wonder if it’s his feelings waning for her…why he fails to be able to get her to want him.. because he really didn’t put out that much effort in convincing her or seducing her…

He was feeling slightly rejected.. but should he be feeling this.. or is it just his ego that is bruised…

And Yas ..

he concluded that she is a little deceptive. And not very honorable… but better she shows her true colors now than wait till he’s emotionally invested..

He’s a little bit disappointed but not affected by her…

…..and Terri..

shaking his head he sighs and giggles to himself…. she got some mickey Ds out of him .. but he comes up short on the return…

oooh well.. it’s all behind him now and he came back as dry as the desert..

Feeling a little despondent and a little weary he slowly headed back to his room… he got in bed turn on a little music to soothe his wandering thoughts and it didn’t take him long to drift off to sleep..

The following week was busy .. but he made a couple new friends.. one a Mexican beauty name Beyoncé..

And a Russian guy name Oleg…

He spent a lot of his free time with Beyoncé.. and getting to know her was a thrill…

she was witty and charming.. and easy to like… it was not a love connection but he looks forward to spend time with her all week..

Come the weekend she invited him to hang out with her and some of her crew members.. and he accepted and had a ball… she made him feel like he has been apart of her group.. she included him in every conversation and sit with him exclusively all evening..

At the end of the night he went to his room smiling.. thankful that he made really great connection.. He was moving forward in his new surroundings and his new life…

The following week though she left for her time off.. and he sure miss her company…

Oleg also left.. he has a family so he was glad to go…

It’s his turn when they return next week.. and although he has nothing much to look forward to… he will be making the trip back home.

He was thinking that he may extend his stay long next time… and maybe he can coincide his time off with his Mexican beauty.. he was feeling really good about having her as a friend.. she’s so outgoing and much fun..

It makes this desert come to life for him..

He tried to bury himself into what he’s doing to ward off his boredom and not to miss Beyoncé too much…

He tells himself If he keeps his mind occupied the week will run off before you know it..

He has been corresponding with his girl here and there.. she has been texting him and keeping him informed of her daily activities.. boasting how she has been cleaning and getting her home organized.. she was very proud of her progress it seems…

BUT…

She always ends with how much all this industrious activity is affecting her..

oooh the pain.. can’t move.. so sore..

and then she complains how she’s the only one doing it.. and how she has to take interval break to ease all the severe discomfort it causes..

He tried to be encouraging with his comments but he wasn’t sure why she takes so much pride in telling him all this.. he was somewhat confused though…

Does she wants his praise on a job well done or his sympathy and empathy for her ailments that she always develops after such jobs…

And quite frankly he really didn’t believe she was doing as much as she claims because she keeps going over the same areas in her story each day…

how can one place always gets so messy that she has to be constantly cleaning the same area over and over again..

He has to question her motives in claiming and relating to him her accomplishments on a daily basis…

what is she trying to accomplish here..

impress him.. ???or she just wants to stay in contact with him and so she makes up all this about what she’s doing and how she’s feeling just for conversation.. knowing that he will always respond to her so she can feel connected to him…????

He shrugged it off because he wasn’t really too interested anyways.. he is really losing interest in her it seems… guess out of sight out of mind…

Another weekend is here and how he miss his friend Beyoncé.. she’ll be back Tuesday some time and he leaves out Wednesday morning early…

it has been a very busy week actually.. and he was ready for a break..

Come Monday he was called to the office.. he didn’t know what to expect.. when he got there.. a supervisor/ manager greets him..

He said.. “Cory.. I have an offer to put to you..”

He listened intently..

“We have a opening for a supervisor position in another location and we think you would be qualified for the position if you are interested..”

He was a little stunned at the suggestion and offer.. he has only been here for two months.. he is just getting used to this place and just starting to make friends..

As he sit there listening to him rattling on about the duties required and the increase in salary.. he felt enthusiastic about moving up..

but.. he was a little doubtful if he’s ready for leadership … but again they thinks it’s something he could handle…

He was snap out of his thoughts with him asking…

“What do you think Cory ?? Would you be interested in moving on to another location..??!!

He nodded and smile eagerly.. yes I would..

He got up shook his hands and tell him he would get the package to him to look over and give them his answer if he is willing to make the change..

He agreed..

He walked away with mixed feelings.. he was a little excited.. especially about the salary.. and he was feeling good that they have faith in him to recommend his for this position..

On the other hand..

can he really do this job.. he never had a managerial position before.. does he have that leadership persona to to be the boss and get the job done..

He’s willing to train for it .. but what if he decided it’s not for him..??

Does he want to take that risk???!! Of losing his job…

He really have to put some serious thought into this.. he’s quite happy where he’s at .. at the moment..

He spent all night thinking and thinking. About the pros and the cons.. but he don’t have to make a decision tonight… so he lay back and before he knows it he was asleep….

Next day is Tuesday .. it was really a tough busy day didn’t have much time to stop and think about Much…

when he got back to camp and went to get some dinner.. he was starving.. and exhausted.. it was a hot day..

As he walked in the cafeteria he saw Beyoncé.., she gleams at him waving her hands.. he walked over to her table sit down and greeted her with a smile…

“Welcome back girl… how was your time off.???….so glad to see you back … ”

She smile back at him and responded… telling him she had a good time. But it went much too fast…

He nodded in Agreement and jokingly stated that it went much too slow here.. “it’s been a long week and you weren’t here to hang with..”

“Awwww”.. she gestured..

He excuse his self and go get him his meal.. He spent a few minutes talking to her after eating and went to his room…

He slept good that night… he’s all packed and ready to board that plane in the morning…

When he got up.. he was approached by the manager and he handed him the package he promised… and he got on the shuttle for the airport.. anxiously wanting to review this job offer..

He still wasn’t too sure what he’s gonna do.. but he has one week to go over it and make up his mind…

******^^^^*******^^^^*****^^^^*****

TO BE CONTINUED….

A MESSY LOVE 💕 STORY: part 12b

It was so good to touchdown on home… he didn’t realize just how much he missed being there…

And he was really excited to see his girl and his newest….. Yas…

He had picked up a little stuff toy for the little girl…

Thinking it would give him an excuse to go over even if she still refuses to see him….

he took a pic of it and send it to her.. pleasingly showing off his thoughtfulness…. hoping to gain some leeway to her heart… after all Lillie is her pride and joy…..

He texted her telling her he’s home.. all excited and wanting to get back some exciting welcoming greetings…,

But…

To his disappointment she was way too causal…”oooh good “… she said.. end of conversation…

So he decided to leave her alone for the evening…

He also texted Yas.. she was more cheerful and tell him welcome home… He confirmed his date with her for the next day…

And he then decided to take a little nap..

He woke up feeling refreshed and decided to go run some errands…

He came back and feeling bored .. he call yas…

He mentioned their date and was asking her about what kind of food she likes .

Because he wanted to choose a restaurant she’d be sure to enjoy going…

For her to announce that she has RAMDAN for the month….or something like that… ( its the Muslim month of fasting)

Huh????!!!

Why is she just now mentioning this…isn’t this something she would have known about in advance ..???!!!!

Was this her way of getting out of seeing him???!!

Yep.. he was very convinced about it.. there was no other explanation..

but..

he tries to play it off .. saying he understand not wanting to accuse her of anything…

He then suggested that maybe they can just hang out at her home… because he just wants to spend some time with her…

She agrees with his idea… and said later that evening she would call to tell what time is good..

Come later. She did call but to make him know she won’t be able to after all…

He really didn’t know how to respond without saying something negative.. so he just said. “Ok fine…

Bid her a good evening.. and hang up….

He was a little disappointed.. and felt really cheated.. because he knows and realize that all what she had said and make him believe that she was really interested in seeing him was all but a lie..

well all was not lost.. he still have Terri and his girl.. he will be seeing his girl and her daughter this weekend ..

Terri was a girl he had hooked up with a couple times for an sexual encounter…

so that’s all she’s about.. so when he contacted her she will know exactly what it’s all about..

Come tomorrow he will call her to make some arrangements to see her.. forget about Yas..

He will also try to see his girl without her little girl around too… he wants some quality time with her. And he knows if he gets her alone it would be easy to seduce her…

He only have the one week.. so he wants to have a little fun before it’s over…

He drifted off to sleep 🛏 a little disturbed about Yas and her deceiving actions….

Shaking his head in wonder why she couldn’t have just let him know that she was not interested in spending time with him…. instead of leading him on then backing out with all those feeble excuses….

” some women..”

He had a restful night.. he was really exhausted from his trip… and was mentally exhausted.. things are not going accordingly to what he had anticipated…

So he has to adjust his mental state and try to make the best of his week off… all his intended plans has failed to materialize….

He went about his day running a couple errands.. and relaxing.. the day went by very uneventful..

He spoke a little to his friend and expressed his disappointment…and gripe a little ..

Come Friday her call up Terri and drove over to see her.. very enthusiastic about having a good time..

He told her he would take her out to eat something and she suggested McDonald’s..

“What???!!!!!” McDonald’s..???

Well it’s her choice so he didn’t argue about it..

He drove up to her place and she got in his car.. he greeted her with a smile and a chups on her cheek…

She immediately give out… ” Hey .. so you know… I am on my period.. so we can’t fool around today..”

He just looked at her.. shake his head think.. What ….the ….fuck…. he just sighs and smile.. and actually giggles at the humor of it all…

She looks at him all puzzled at his reaction.. but didn’t comment..

They got to the nearest McDonald’s and they went in.. he turned to her and told her.. ” have anything you want..”

She acts very surprised at his suggestion.. and said. “Anything!!!!!?????”.. in a unbelievable tone..

He nodded his head in agreement and repeated.. “anything….”

She smiled so pleasingly and turned to placed her order…..

He sat with her as she devoured her meal.. drove her home. And headed back to his …

He just couldn’t believe his luck… strike three… he was speechless and so amused at how not one of his girls came through for him….

Well his vacation was a bust…

*********^^^*********^^^*******^^^*****

TO BE CONTINUED….

A MESSY LOVE 💕 STORY: part 11b

By the end of the week.. she is sending pictures of how she is cleaning the house.. room by room..

and photos of her self showing she’s losing weight..

He was really impressed but a bit confused..

why now???

Why did she chose for him to leave to put effort in cleaning and dieting….

Is she trying to entice him so when he gets back home he will wants to be with her….?

What is her real motives… he was very suspicious and curious..

and to make it worse…her photos were given him a stimulating stir.. so much he felt he had to share the info with her .. ending with how he would love to make some sweet passionate love to her.. and feel her quivering from divine pleasures in his arms…

He seems like instead of letting go of her he keeps saying things to pull her closer…

He still talking to his new girl and she’s so gamed with his wittingly charm …he tells her he wants so much more than friendship and she eagerly agrees with him…

She’s like a breath of fresh air… she’s so positive and amusing… and so giving… he truly enjoyed connecting with her…

So.. why is he playing this game with his girl back home…

Because he can!!!????

Because it makes him feel like a stud!!!????

Or. ”

Because he’s just plain confused and is not true to his convictions…. want all lose all.. so he better be careful how he throd…

He keeps contradicting himself.. doing and say things he swears on stopping…

If he gets called out on something he did or say .. he hurriedly changes his tune.. playing it off as a joke or declares misinterpretation..

He is not true to himself.. and to his convictions… that is if he has any…

This job is a big promotion for him.. and he did well for himself…

but.. then .. now he thinks he better than most.. and he acts as if he has it over everyone…

His true colors are showing.. and this promotion has gone to his head…

He has changed in only one month…it’s so sad..

we wish him well.. and hopes he makes the right choices along his journey…

And he is never going to give up his girl .. it’s so obvious…

he is really not better than her.. in actuality…

so here continues the story of “THE MESSY LOVE 💕 AFFAIR…

It keeps on going.. ….

*******************

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next…. “his visit back home ”

(What will conspire… will he go back on his words with his girl… will that house stay clean…is she really trying to get him back into her arms…????

Or….

Will he develop a deeper relationship with his new found girl…

Hmm 🤔…

We will soon see how this saga pans out…)

UNTIL……….

REFLECTIONS: The Diary of My Life… part 2

AGE NINE TO A TEENAGER

… The next few days I just stayed by myself.. and cry…

No one seems to care too much.. they just left me alone..

I found out that I have another sister.. She was three.. and a two baby brothers.. one.. only a year old and the other a little baby..

My new sister name was Dianne.. and she uses to seek me out and sit with me.. before long we were inseparable…

I don’t know if my dislike was so obvious towards my stepmother that she reciprocate and took a big dislike to me… and I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t like her that I felt that she didn’t like me…

She treats me with so much indifference and she was often mean..especially when my father wasn’t around..

She says the most meanest thing she could to a child… and as usual.. being the sensitive child I was.. I would go and cry my heart out…it seems all I did back then was cry..

Another problem I had….was peeing the bed at nights.. I would try so hard not to.. but I would always wake up soaking wet..

My stepmom didn’t like that at all.. she would get so annoyed and cuss at me every morning…

she would hold me .. shake me and call me lazy and ask me when are you going to stop… ???

I would just start crying.. stuttering trying to tell her I will.. but the word would never come out..

( looking back.. she probably was so overwhelmed with three babies and now three more.. and she would have to change and wash those sheets .. extra work that she doesn’t have the time for.. all washing was done by hand.. but as a child I couldn’t understand that..)

I just wanted be anywhere but there..

My grandma was living in another part of the house…with her second husband and three younger children.. our age group… The oldest daughter was 13… and the youngest..8…

My grandma was very afraid of ghosts.. she always said she can see them.. she would always have salt spread across her doorways.. she tells us kids it was to ward of those ghosts…

We all believe her…especially when everyone was claiming that my mom was seen.. and it’s all because we were there…

I was so scared.. so to add to my already sad existence comes this thing about my dead mom..

My aunts and uncle was so scared they didn’t want us there anywhere near them..

My grandma had a TV.. in her room and I always wanted to watch it.. but they would never allow me in. Saying my mom is haunting me and she would follow me in..

My mom seems to be on a rampage and was creating a havoc in my life…

That first few months was so hard for me.. I wanted to be anyone but me…

My stepmom was from a different parish ( state)and that summer she decided to take everyone to visit and spend some time with her brothers.. everyone except me of course.. even my eight year old aunt got to go.. and I was left with my grandma.. and her two kids..

I cried and I cried.. I wanted so much to be apart of that trip.. and I didn’t really know why I was left behind…and I didn’t want to left..

And my worst nightmare began… I was locked in a room by myself because everyone was afraid of my mom..

I was so afraid.. I was trembling with fear and every little thing I heard scared me even more..

I remember feeling so alone.. so anxious.. my grandma was in her room with her kids.. and I had no one to turn to.. I think I cried that whole time and I don’t think I slept a wink…

I became so bitter.. I hated everyone and everything.. l asked myself..,why does everyone hates me…

and I hated my stepmom even more..but I wasn’t brave enough to do anything… like running away but the thoughts occurred to me on more than once..

By the time they got home.. I was so frazzled.. and mad.. and I withdrew even more..

I would lash out with cuss words and was very mean to my sisters..

my stepmom would whoop me for cursing.. and would always find an excuse to be mean to me…

My school life was no better.. I still had no friends .. I didn’t realize that I was just mean to everyone so I was so unapproachable and my attitude cause everyone to stay away…I was way too defensive.. afraid of letting anyone in…

The experience with the fear of my mom.. causes me to be not afraid…I had no choice I guess .. and I finally got over it..

my own company became my best friend.. I refuse to talk to my sisters.. I didn’t say much to my stepmom.. my father was never around.. I would go off in isolation by myself.. and I started to keep a diary where I poured out all my anger.. and bitterness..

I was living in self pity .. and a feeling of pure resentment from everyone ..

I was called handicap and retarded…I still still didn’t talk.. I usually just nods and shake my head.. in response to everything..

I don’t remember ever smiling that first years .. I was always crying..

My stepmom would get so annoyed at me crying.. she used to tell me to shut up.. which makes me cry even more.. and sometimes would slap me.. telling me .. she’s giving me something to cry for..

My siblings would all laugh and find it so funny.. which angers me and make me want to cry more…,

I felt so helpless and so unhappy…

my life stayed in that mode Over the next three years I only grew more and more bitter…

My stepmom never takes me anywhere with her.. and I got used to it..

twice a year she would take my sisters to her home town. Always leaving me behind…

I stop crying.. but at age 12.. she decided she would invite me along…. and I didn’t want to go….

*******************

TO BE CONTINUED…

A MESSY LOVE 💕 STORY: part 10

…. Things went well with them that first week.. communication was light and sweet..

She was really loving and smiling and and so enthusiastic about him… he was enjoying her sweet airy disposition… and was feeling drawn to her again.. he was getting his intense feelings back …

He had a busy week and hadn’t gotten chance to go see her… but not a day go by without some connection via texting or voice call…

Then a little past the first week.. and she brings him to a halt… with a text.. claiming she had a dream about being pregnant… and she’s been having strong symptoms of being pregnant..

oooh my goodness.. not this again… and then he reflected back to that most passionate night.. and just realize that he didn’t actually used the condom that he was prepared with…

Bad move…

He had all intentions of protecting hisself from this episode and drama…but as he remembers it … in the heat of the moment… condom was nowhere in his thoughts.. now he is going to suffer the consequences …

The possibility of her being pregnant is very high.. and he now fears that .. that passionate exhilarating night is going to be marred with her being pregnant ..

Of course he suggested him getting a pregnancy test and have her take it.. but she refuses .. stating, she wants to wait a couple more weeks to be sure..

He was so annoyed.. and really curious and anxious to know if she really was..but he had no choice but to wait on her..

He went through his emotions and he tried to play it out in every scenario he could think of..,

He thought he would ask her to move in with him. Because he couldn’t actually see his baby grown up that messy house…

He mentioned this to her.. and she blatantly rejected his suggestion.. oops !!! He was sure she would have agreed with his suggestion…

Yet she keeps on hinting about a permanent relationship.. and went as far as mentioned marriage..

Oooh nooo…!!!!!

Marriage is not an option in his book…He would definitely be a part of the child life.. but he has no intention of getting married.. and he didn’t think she was marriage material anyways…

He loves her.. and care a lot about her..

But…

After knowing her and seeing how she lives and with all her complications.. he can only take her in small doses…

Anything permanent would mean she has to make a drastic change.. and he couldn’t see her changing…

And for her constant complaints of illness.. he just knew he couldn’t deal with that long term…

But..

He is now faced with her possibility of being conceived with his baby.. and he may have to make a decision against his liking…

He went out to see her that weekend and surprisingly.. she was beeming and very cheerful..

This attitude of hers .. makes him a little more convinced that she is pregnant…

He took her to Walmart.. on their way .. she was talking going on about her symptoms and acting as if it was a sure thing.. While in Walmart she headed over to the baby section and she was rambling on about the baby this.. the baby that..

As he watched her bouncing about excitedly… he thought in silence..

What have I done???!!!!

Her behavior and attitude was slowly convincing him more and more that she was..

And..

He recalled… that this is a repeat of the last time she thought she was pregnant for him..

He again suggested that they get a test while at Walmart.. but again.. she wanted to wait…

What is her problem..?? Why wait??

This was causing him great anxiety attacks and he just wants to be sure before he makes any definite plans..

It’s been almost a month now and he was tired of waiting…

He was not pleased with her answer.. but nothing he can do about it…

He drove her back home without saying another word..

He dropped her off and headed back to his house…

He was annoyed.. and getting frustrated.. and couldn’t wait to find out for sure..

He was more than half way convinced… but .. just want to be 100% sure…

He was tempted to buy the test and drive over there and demanded that she takes it right there right now…

He was thinking.. it would be so nice to be a father.. and he was becoming very emotional with his thoughts…and he secretly hoped she really is.. he find himself becoming a little excited at the prospect of having a baby of his own…

And although he wasn’t too pleased with his choice of the mother of his child .. he knew he had to make it work… He will find a way to…

They had conversations via text.. and he keeps trying to push her for taking a test or going to the doctor..

She always have an excuse not to…

He was battling with his emotions and had a couple solid scenarios that would fall in place with her positive result..

He woke up one morning…. and let out a squeal of delight after reading a text from her that she had her menstruation…

He felt a slight disappointment afterwards and a little guilty about his initial reaction… He realizes that he was hoping for her to be pregnant.. and was actually looking forward to being a dad..

So he text her in reply.. and found out that she was so depressed and saddened that she didn’t want to talk..

Of course this always plays on his emotions and he decided to go see her.. hoping to lift her spirits..

when he got there.. he let hisself in..

whewww.. what a mess. ?? He will never get used to this way of keeping House….

He made his way to her bedroom.. he could hardly find her with all that clothes and trash lying around her..

She was sad.. and he could tell she had been crying…

He sat down on the bed beside her.. without saying a word.. lean in and kiss her cheek.. stroke her arm.. and give her a sad look of compassion..

She started to cry again.. and he reached for her and lifted her in a sitting position and wrapped his arms around her in a hug… she sobbed in his shoulder..

He patiently waited for her to calm down..

She started rambling on about how she wanted that baby and how she is never going to have another one…

He just said… Sshhhh!!!! Sshhh..!!!!

You are going to be okay.. he told her trying to console her…

But.. she was becoming hysterical.. so he stop talking.. didn’t know exactly what to say to her…

He didn’t like to see her like that .. but he was actually relieved that she was not pregnant.. he keeps looking around him.. and was so thankful that his baby won’t have to be born and live in this condition..

All of a sudden he was itching to get out of that house…he felt stifled.. so He asked her if she wanted to go for a ride to get some icecream..

She nodded yes .. called her daughter. Tell her to get ready to go for ice cream…

He told her he’ll be outside waiting.. and he hurriedly makes his exit..

Its so strange that he’s finding the messy house a little repulsive.. but this is where he’s at with the house situation..

They join him ten minutes later and he took them to eat that ice cream…,

She wasn’t very talkative .. but she seems to enjoy her treat…

They spent a little time eating and then they ride around some.. she seems in a better mood… so he inquired how she’s feeling…

She gave a half smile and said ok.. but continued to tell him how disappointed she was..

He simply agreed.. with… “I know baby I know..”

He took them home.. bid her goodnight and she thank him for coming by and for the ice cream…

On his drive back home he started to think this relationship is not healthy for him… he realizes that he’s finding it really hard to go in that house of recent without being able to ignore all the filth…

And..

Although he likes her and really enjoy her sexually.. he just can’t deal with her obsession of wanting to be pregnant… and every time they have sex she swears she is pregnant and then going into a depressive mode when she’s not..

it happens once too often.. he sees a red flag.. he knows he has to back off and slowly walk away… but how’s he going to do that…

She has too much going on with her that’s becoming a little unbearable and annoying and he just can’t see a long term , steady relationship with her …

As much as he likes her… it in his best interest to find a way out of it….. he keeps arguing with himself….

He dose off that night with mixed feelings but knowing that it’s a choice he needs to make…

Maybe he can remain friends with her.. he will figure it out..

He drifted to sleep with a very disturbed and confused mind….

************^^^*********^^^^+******

TO BE CONTINUED…..

REFLECTIONS…The Diary of my life…

Have you ever stop to reflect on your life..??? Have you ever wished you were someone else..??? I have…!!

*****~~~*****

I was born an healthy and most beautiful baby.. my father ever had.. but at 10 months I got sick..

I stop eating.. stop moving.. I was breathing .. but was unresponsive.. I didn’t even cry anymore…doctors didn’t have a diagnosis for my acute condition.. my mom throw me aside.. so frustrated …she didn’t know what to do and so she gave up… because she couldn’t understand the reasons for her beautiful baby girl dwindling away in front of her eyes.. with no hope of recovering.. I was paralyzed..

I was almost walking off.. before I became sick… I was a happy baby.. always smiling.. now it was hard for her to see me like that…

” Go bury her” .. she told my father..

My father took my lifeless body up .. confused.. emotional.. but refuses to give up on me.. all out of options… he decided to take me to this pastor that is known for healing the sick..

When all fails.. We all turn to God in huge renewed faith..

That pastor took my tiny lifeless body.. says his prayers as my dad watches .. silently praying.. begging God to be merciful to his baby girl…

Then my dad let out a gasp of fear as the pastor suddenly lift and throw his baby in the air and then catch her back.. my dad reached his hand in the air in motions of catching his baby..

The Pastor repeat his actions two more times..as my father watches with a lump in his throat and with the thoughts of taking his unresponsive baby away from the pastor..

but…

Just as he reached over to retrieve his baby as she landed safely in the Pastors hands the third time…she cries out just like when she was born..

It was music to his ears.. the tears came rolling down his face.. she hasn’t made a sound since she took ill..

The pastor handed him his baby … smiling…and said to him..

“I think she’s hungry..”

He rest his hands on my father’s shoulder .. look into his speechless emotional face.. fill with tears.. and told him with great compassion…that she’s going to alright..

” God has breathe back life into her.. take her home and give her love.. she’s a special child of God..”

All my dad could muster..in his overly emotional state.. was a nod.. as he hugged his precious baby close to his chest..

He got into his car and as he sit down still holding me.. he breaks down in sobs.. muttering.. “Thank you Jesus.. Thank you Jesus… He sat there and wept so thankful to god and to the pastor until he was interrupted by the sound of my crying ..

And through the tears .. he smiles.. then giggles and say.. to me..

” let’s get you home to your momma.. so she can feed you.. “

I cry all the way home.. my dad was just enjoy hearing me crying, knowing that it meant I’m going to be alright…he got back his beautiful baby girl..

My dad got home… got out his car and with me in his arms.. he screamed out for mom running towards the house as fast he could.. all excited..

Mom ran out.. seeing him clutching me.. she stopped .. her heart pounding.. the first thing that comes to her mind was..she is dead…

She holds her tummy bends over.. crying hysterically…My dad reaches her and says..

” no honey.. she’s is alright. Look.. “

As he handed me to her..

She looks at him.. in disbelief and astonishment…

“What … what… what do you mean..???” She stuttered between sobs..

And then I began crying again..

mom was so thrilled and shocked hearing my voice.. she stand there just looking down at me..

“She’s Just hungry.. lets go get her a bottle..”

My mom looks at him with so much questions in her mind. As he gently ushered her into the house.. She couldn’t stop looking at me as if it was the first time she saw me..

His mom and sisters all come running up.. asking.. in unison.. .

What happened?? Is she …. gone??

My dad went to his mom.. and hugged her… gently sobbing …and said..

” no mommy.. she is alright.. I took her to that healing pastor and he brought her back.. “

They all gathered around.. listening in awe… as he tells his story.. mom sat quietly as she feeds me .. just so happy that I’m actually drinking the milk…

She had tears in her eyes as she recalls telling my dad to bury me.. but she just didn’t know what to do.. she was so angry at God for allowing this to happen to her beautiful baby girl..

And to think it was him that gave her a second chance….she close her eyes and whispered a prayer of gratitude..

She put me down to sleep and she walked over to my dad.. hugged him tightly.. and softly thank him for what he had done..

He just hold tightly… gently caressing her back comforting her.. his sisters walked up to them and they hugged her too..

They sit around a little and had fun talking ….something they hadn’t done in a long time…

My dad decided he wanted to celebrate so he organized a party..

His grandfather suggested that he performed this family ritual that is cultural.. during the party.. he agreed..

It was supposedly to help me get stronger..

I started to improve but slowly..

I had to learn to creep again.. and I showed sign of being slow…

As the months goes by.. I grow but my coordination was slow.. by the time I started to walk .. I was like three.. and my right foot would lag behind..

I was not very balanced either.. I would fall regularly.. especially if I try to run…

My older sister would get whooped frequently for pushing me.. and making me fall.. I was so weak and would fall easily at the slightest push..so she stopped playing with me..

My mom had a baby boy a year later.. but he died soon after birth.. my dad was so broken… his death devastated him…but within the next year my little sister was born..

And then I was old enough to remember that day she went away to have her..

I remember watching my mom going Of with her suitcase and little me crying thinking my mom is never coming back..

I was so frail.. and puny.. but I was alive..I remember my grandma hugging me and trying to soothe me to stop me from crying…

My recollection during that time was not much..

BUT…

My life started out really shaky.. my parents treat me as an invalid. And they were overly protective..My siblings shun me.. treating me indifferent ..

I learned to be a loner as early as five and six years old ..I became very sensitive.. and very self defensive…

So much..That I became feisty and mean and even adapted being indifferent..

To make it worse.. I had a bad stutter.. I couldn’t say one word without stammering and I was teased constantly.. I was becoming afraid to talk.. I was embarrassed to…I didn’t want to be laugh at… I hated when they laugh at me..

So I stopped talking.. and if I had to ..I would try to hurry up to get it out.. that only makes it worse.. I would get so frustrated. That I became a crier.. I cried for everything.. I used to cry at nights..

…. I wanted to be different.. I want to be like my sisters…

I couldn’t understand why Nobody wants to play with me..

I started school at six.. and again .. instead of making friends.. I was picked at and make fun at.. I got my hair pulled .. and teased ….nobody wants to be my friend..

my sister has friends and when I would seek her out..during breaks.. she would tell me to go.. I could tell that she was embarrassed to be my sister..

Of course I would walked away crying.. while she and her friend laugh at me..

This only let me become more bitter… I felt so hurt.. and I hate me…

Then we had to move… but Dad didn’t move with us.. I don’t remember asking why…

But..

My mom would start to cry at nights .. and she started complaining to whoever would listen.. and I was becoming an inquisitive and curious and observant child.. I heard my mom telling her friends…

My dad has another lady.. I started to resent this lady for making my mom cry.. I didn’t know her.. and I didn’t quite understand why..

but…

by now.. I was learning how to hate. And I was learning how it feels to be hurt…

My Dad would come by once a week…

we were all pleased to see him.. especially mom.. but…

After he left mom would cry even harder.. and I would feel so sad and I would cry for her…

I made friends with A little girl from next door and she loan me a doll and that doll became my best friend..

my sisters were still ignoring me.. and often played with each other.. leaving me out.. I was like a nobody… to them.. I used to pretend I don’t care.. but I was dying inside.. I was full of so much rage…I want them to like me.. accept me.. include me.. but they just laugh at me and mock me if I tried to say anything.. and all I could do was cry..

A couple years after my mom got sick.. went in the hospital and within a week she died…

I was only nine years old.. and I was mad.. My grandma was with us.. and she wants to take us to our dad..

I became so defiant.. and rude.. I refuse to go..

My mom brother .. my uncle…came by and witnessed my behavior.. he offered to take me with him.. I wanted to go with him…and was so glad to go with him..

I stayed with my uncle until my moms funeral… my father didn’t attend..

As I watched my mom being lowered into the ground.. I was numb and I didn’t cry or show any emotions..

I went back home with my uncle…

but..

my dad sent for me… I had no choice but to go.. I cried all the way there.. hysterically..

I got there and I cried even more..

My dad asked me… why I was crying.. I stuttered that I want to stay with my uncle..

My dad jokingly said…”I don’t have any puss kitten to give away..you belong here with me and your sisters..”

Every one was laughing except me.. so when he asked if I understood.. I mearly nodded afraid if I answered they would all laugh at me again..

And so begins my new life with the woman I grow to hate..

*************++++++**********

TO BE CONTINUED…

HOLDING ON TO A DREAM 

This is a very personal campaign.. 

REVISED…UPDATED….And RESUBMITTING….

Trying to be more effective and hoping more will be willing to give an Helping Hand 🤚…

Telling my story.. I’m hopeful that it gives understanding to my choosing to go this route…

Thanks to all those that take time to read.. 

       At your gracious mercy 

WENDY…  NITA… MAXINE…



https://www.gofundme.com/42qih8o

I have had many dreams growing up becoming an adult.

  1. Getting married 👰… (I got married thrice..)
  2. Having children 👶…. ( I had two sons..,my prized bulls…
  3. Having a career.. (I became an accountant… but ended up as the bestest cashier ever was.. 
  4. Owning my home 🏡…( I did..,bought my home 🏡 21 years ago..

Worked the same job .. raised my boys to adulthood.. and then life takes a turn.. 

The last few years developed a condition that limited my mobility.. the onset came gradually with falling.. dizzyness…Which grows into a phobia.. fear of falling.. eventually losing balance.. and walking 🚶 with aid.. 

I continued to work ignoring my problems..  and limitations…. with the lack of fully walking and functional use of my feet.. starts to affect my hips and my back.. 

Making it difficult to stand without back pain.. I used pain killers to be functional and performed my duties..

I was enduring and being tolerant.. knowing I couldn’t afford to stop ✋ working just yet…

Another mistake I made.. was not getting medical treatment or attention.. just didn’t want to take the time away from work for doctor 👨‍⚕️ visits.. 

And then … fates hit..

I lost my job…

I couldn’t get rehired any where.. my limitations redeems me unfit to perform totally the job requirements… 

I  couldn’t file disability.. no medical history.. 

And now… I’m in jeopardy of holding on to MY DREAM.. ( my home 🏡)

I fell behind in my mortgage… friends and family has helped as much as they can.. 

I ran out of financial resources… 

I don’t want to lose my home 🏡… I’m much too old to start over..

I have spent the last year going to the doctors trying to solve my condition.. 

I have been to every specialist even seen a psychiatrist.. did some physical therapy..

But my condition remains… my back pain has gotten so severe and chronic..

I just put in an application for disability. But it’s gonna take up to six months to get an answer of approval..,

I fall more losing my balance..

I have learned how to adjust and adapt to my condition.. I keep going.. still trying to do what’s necessary.. even though it’s at a much slower pace than used to .. 

Now I’m reduced to asking for help.. I know everyone has their lives and their responsibility..And I can’t expect to get help from everyone..  

That is why I started “A GoFundME campaign… 

So those who are able to help with any amount you can afford..can do so.. and know that it will be greatly appreciated .. 

This site is really safe to use your 💳 card…

Please help me keep my home 🏡..,

WHEN GOD ORDERS.. EVEN THE DEVIL OBEYS..

Just want to share with you.. just how powerful is our faith.. .. 

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Just imagine.. 

that man didn’t realize that he was obeying the orders of god.. 

he really thought he was playing a prank.. for a laugh 😂…. 

the joke was on him..

Even the devil obeys…. 

he may not be a believer… but he was used for that mission…