LOVE ME…. LOVE ME NOT….

Everyone has a love that is the love of your life… I have a few of those…yet it’s not of the ordinary kind…

I have had many loves along the way..

There was rudy.. my first for everything..

My first love.. my first sexually.. my first relationship… it lasted a whole year.. I was devastated when he left.. my first heartbreak 💔….. never knew I could survive it.. but I did..

Then comes Paul..my US marine.. it was a whirlwind of six months of bliss… until I found out he has another girl.. so I walked away.. yes I loved him.. but I don’t compete very well…and I’m so afraid of rejection…so I didn’t hang around to find out if or not he would have chosen me…

Haha 😂 … he did marry her.. so I guess I was right about him rejecting me..

Then come bob.. my first husband .. we had a son.. I never stopped loving him.. I didn’t think I could love anyone as much as I loved him…. But.. he left me …come back home to America.. he never looked back…

Thirteen years later I found him again.. and continue to love him.. only to be told by him.. that he doesn’t love me.. I guess he never actually did…

Then came Charles..I thought I loved him.. but he wasn’t progressive and he didn’t know how to take charge…he had me not knowing where I stand..

Until…

I decided to end us four years later..

Then I decided to…..

married Francis.. how he loves me.. but I did not reciprocate his feelings.. I loved him but was not in love with him…

I met Andrew…while married to Francis…got pregnant for him.. had my second son for him..

But..

He put me through hell and back.. so I left him and came to the states…. He followed me…

Unfortunately and to my sorrow…Francis died…I never got over his death.. I have much regrets and wish I did more by him….

Then I met and got romantically involved with cheeko…

He became the best relationship I ever had…he was never the type of guy I would normally choose to be with… but I never felt anything close to what we had.. before or after…

It lasted about two years .. and I choose to give up on him because I thought he wasn’t making the effort to be with me…

I ended up marrying andrew..which lasted only four years.. after he left….I was thinking of getting reuniting with cheeko but he died of a brain tumor..

I was so crushed…

I started a romantic affair with this joker.. joe..

Did not get anywhere… he wasn’t serious.. turns out he just wanted to experience me sexually and he wasn’t any good anyways…so we parted company

I stayed single for a few years.. did not want to bring a man into my young sons life..

When my son start to date… I decided to start back in the dating world..

I started out by playing the cougar with this gorgeous guy.. I call him “MY FORBIDDEN LOVE “ . … he was twenty years younger..

I had a grand time with him.. it lasted three years on and off … and then he left and never looked back …. He was one of my highlights in my life’s journey…

I turn to online dating after getting past him..

My first experience of an online emotional affair.. blew my mind..

I never knew it was possible to fall in love with someone from just talking and through texting on the phone…

I met Allen.. and I had the most profound and passionate emotional love connection I ever experienced..

We were in sync in every way possible…and I found out I possess a flair with words I never knew I had…

Through my words.. l let Allen fall in love with me.. and because we mirror each other’s thoughts I also feel deeply and intensely in love with him.

But…

It ended abruptly… because I played a horrific game of deception..

I pretended to be my Neice…. I unintentionally misled him to believe I was my Neice..

But.. I never knew our connection would lead to love.. I was so naive to the world of an online relationship.

I was left so heartbroken…I never knew a love with this intensity… or someone who I was so insync with…. It took me a while to get pass “MY SWEET ALLEN”…

But after I did…

I went on to find forest and met three of the craziest girls… Forrest wasn’t a love affair but.. he left an impression on me… with him it was mostly a strong sexual energy… I truly enjoyed our little sexual romps… he brought out some electrifying sexual energy… I enjoyed him and the girls. We had great fun playing together…

I met a few more sexual connections but nothing near to Forrest or Allen..

Then comes along PATRICK…. It was a slow start with him … the first couple of years.. I stayed platonic.. until he asked for us to be exclusive…I agreed and gave up all my other connections and focus fully on Patrick..

He was loyal and fun.. for almost eight years… and over the years I became attached and addicted.. to him. We talked every single day and he became apart of my daily life…

I looked forward to talking to him every day..

All of sudden I find myself so in love with him… and he bacame the highlight of my days . He shared his whole day with me…

He shared his life with me… I gotten so used to talking to him.. I forgot what it was like before he enters my life…

And came the fateful Christmas of 2020..

I tried to reciprocate sharing my world with him.. and my friends… I introduced him a very close friend of mine…..

And one look at my friend and he feel heads over heels in love with her.. and suddenly I was pushed to the back burner..

His attitude and demeanor changes towards me. He became disrespectful.. rude..he picks fights with me.. he stays mad at me..after that.. all of a sudden. I couldn’t say or anything right by him…

Then comes the name calling .. and blames for being the one to cause our troubles.. follows by the blocking.. the shutting me out.. ignoring me.. stop talking or texting me…

Two years later he’s completely gone…

At first I didn’t know how to accept.. he kept coming back.. after each blocked.. and I kept on trying to move forward.. hoping to get back the friendship we had.. or the love we shared..

But…

It was unrepairable .. he refused to reconcile… All he wanted was my friend… he wouldn’t let her go.. instead he pushed me out of his life… he said if he couldn’t have her .. I couldn’t be in his life….

She became the determining factor of our relationship…

So I give up trying.. and let him go.. it took everything I got to allow him to walk away from me.. and for me to move on without him being apart of my life anymore…

So I’m still single..

It’s not that I haven’t tried.. but I keep getting my heart shattered to bits…

But I have experience some most fantastic love in my journey through life…

And as much as I was left heartbroken..

I really don’t have much regrets.. I have truly enjoyed each and everyone of my experiences.. to the fullest… each one gave me pro-founded joy.. and left me with the sweetest memories.. of a time when love was good….

HOW TO SAY GOODBYE &WALK AWAY..

How do you find the courage to walk from someone you deeply love….

How do say goodbye.. without having that excruciating pain of complete loss..

How do you stop your heart from breaking to pieces….

How do you move on.. without looking back and wanting to resume what you have lost..

How do you stop the tears and the fear of losing him forever…..

Love come… and love goes… nothing last forever… but how do you deal with pain and hurt…

Why goodbyes are so hard… why is the attachment you developed and form is so hard to break away from…

Why do we allow our heart to get so entangled that we can’t loosen the hold and tear ourselves away… without leaving so much of us behind..

How do we get past it.. without the anguish… and the deep sorrow … why does the world stop spinning …

Love is the best joy life has to offer…and the worst sorrow .. but best hurt… when we lose it…

You can’t experience such hurt unless you find that love that brings profound joy….

So how can you regret loving…. and through the tears come the smile..

“ Don’t cry because it’s over…Smile because it happens…”

To love : bring us so much joy 🤩….

But…

To have that love taken away…cause so much 😞 hurt.. that you never knew existed…

And we just have to endure 😣 until time heals..

What happened to the world we knew..!!!???

What happened to the love we knew and the love we shared.. where did it go.. !!??? Now it seems those yester dreams were was a cruel and foolish games we used to play…

Yester you: yester me: yesterday…

And I will live in memories of yesterday….

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR…AN ABRUPT ENDING…

WHEN LOVE 💕 WAS SWEET

How do you calm your heart when the source of your love decided to replace you.. and walk away…

How do you stop all this emotions from overflowing and drain you of all your joy…

What measures can you take to prevent you from getting a panic attack with the thought that there will never be another him and you…

How do you come to terms with it.. how do you stop the tears… how do you just get over seven long years… of memories….

How do you close your mind.. close your heart…

How do you block all that you have shared…

I need to run away.. but there is no where to run… I need to lock myself away..from the whole world… but I can’t find nowhere to hide….

I tried to be patient.. I tried to be understanding..

I tried to be positive…

But so many signs..

His lack of sharing

• His lack of communication
• His lack of interest…
• His lack of acknowledgement…
• He has become evasive…
• Always too busy for you….

He only talks about hisself… he ignores anything you say to him.. his response is slow… and contain one word….

You can feel you no longer hold any joy for him… he makes you feel like a nuisance…

I guess after seven years of distance.. you become boring… and he yearn for someone more exciting.. more fun.. more appealing.. more interesting…

And you have to admit that this make believe world of fantasy could not last forever…

And you have to gracefully bow out and Continued to live your life in dreams of yesterday’… when love was so good… when the world was a happy place…

And you just hang on to those happy times.. and through the tears.. we smile as we reminisce.. and remember.. we had it all. For just a moment…

SHATTERED HEART !!!

Seven years of blissful memories.. when we share our world…so much that they become intertwined… and to untangle it now is going to be hard…

Letting go will be hard.. and getting used to not having him as part of my daily life..going to be a big challenge … but all good things must come to an end …

THE END….

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY AND PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 7c

REQUITAL LOVE 💕

I didn’t heard from him all week. I was thinking all kind of negative thoughts. I thought no call… no text. No surprise here… He got the money and some loving, so I’m all forgotten.

With No communication I sarcastically Guess he’s too busy to think of me. I pay big for the lesson .. you can’t buy friendship…I Still means nothing to him, not even as friends. All that speech I gave him about keeping me close only last as long as it takes to get the funds he was after…

By the end of the week I gave up hearing from him…Still nothing from him.. he went silent again… So much for our deal, I thought..I’m the only one that wants friendship so badly that I have to pay for it.

I asked myself…Why do I feel that it is so important to be his friend that I had to pay down on it? Well! It’s obvious that he is not interested in being friends.. The only time he really stop to think of me is when he needs a cash cow… someone to use for his financial needs….

It does still bothers me that to know that he can come and love me like he does and then just walk away without a second thought…. how can a man be that cold that he can separate his feelings from intimacy…

His kisses and his loving tells me some thing completely different ..he gives me his all without reservations…

But.. it’s all a act… and I’m left confused and trying to console myself.. trying to find any little reason to convince myself that he likes me even a little bit….

It didn’t take me too long to resume back to the attitude of letting go… I developed the attitude of “whatever”… It’s been going on so long repeatedly that I kinda got used to his behaviour… I decided to carry on as is and wait until he decided to come looking for me…

I didn’t try to contact or reach out to him like I used to do.. I now know that this is his game… and he will just ignored my text messages.. and I’m tired of feeling rejected by him….

Occasionally when I get up to get ready for work I would send a goodnight text messages.. sometimes I would receive a short response ..and I would smile… but I never tried to start a conversation.. and he never offers…

After a couple weeks have passed.. I began to feel for the need of him.. I was itching for some of his loving and I secretly hope to hear from him… I was more than tempted a few times to reach out as I did in the past.. but I resisted..

I would just indulge in some self love.. while I visualized him making love to me.. and surprisingly it would ease and my pent up raging desires..

Just the thought of him and the memories of our sexual encounters would always heightened my whole body with a deep burning desire that leaves me so stimulated that I couldn’t resist but give kitty some petting to stop her from twitching and pulsating with the wants of him….

To my pleasure and delight.. a couple weeks later…I received a text messages asking me if I had work that night … I responded .. letting him know I did … it was kinda late … just a couple hrs before I had to get up…so him coming by would not be … so when he asked if he can come by.. I simply told him I have to get some sleep for work…

He did not mention any need for money.. and I was puzzled that he wants to come by… just because….I was a little disappointed that I had work…. so much I thought of calling in sick… but I refuse to allow myself to always be at his disposal…

All night I thought of him.. though…my mind and heart and kitty was at war…. and at times I wished I had called off and have him over.. so we could a repeat another night of passion… I had the chance but I blew it…. I knew there might not be another chance again…

I went home next day still with the feeling of regret that I didn’t grab the opportunity to enjoy him one more time… but…he again surprised me with a phone call that day… letting me know that that he was in studio and he was just thinking of me .. he asked how I was doing.. I apologize for the previous night.. and he assured me it was all good … and he will get me next time…

I smiled.. and chuckles a little… I told him I would love that and ask him not to wait too long…. he giggled in humor and promised me that he won’t…

We ended our conversation .. I was left with a very warm feeling that travels to some really interesting places…. I was smiling and hoping that he lived up to his promise.. I again realized that he didn’t asked for any financial assistance… and this pleases me..

Hmm .. could it be that he just wanted to see for sexual favors… is he really wanting me sexually.. without me suggesting it….I laughed out loudly… thinking.. yess … yess.. yesss. He likes me…

The following day I was off and I sit there with sweet thoughts him playing in my mind .. making my heart do somersaults… which sent electrical jolts to travel downwards and stop right between my thighs.. that sent shivers down my spine.. causing kitty to get all excited …

Now with kitty affected .. I was losing control.. so I decided to send him a text with the hopes to convince to come on over and make kitty happy…. I live to please her….

He answers.. I asked him if he okay.. trying to lead up to the point of requesting his presence… but he saved me the effort by asking me if I had work that night… I quickly told him I’m off.. and to my greatest pleasure he invited himself over… without hesitation I excitedly asked him how soon can he get here…

He quickly said.. “ I’m on my way “…

Of course I was overjoyed. And I quickly went took me a shower.. put on my best and sexist negligée… I splashed some nice smelling perfume on.. put on a little lip gloss…. I was just getting my bed all neat and nice when he rang my doorbell….

I went to let him in.. and as soon as I open the door I let out a most joyful squeal and jumped up on him with legs wrapped around his waist and flung my arms around his neck … it took him by surprise that he slightly stumbled and had to step quickly backwards to regain his balance…

I was kissing his face and just hugging him tightly… he jokingly said… easy tigress, let me get inside first.. he walked in closed the door.. with me still clinging to him… he slowly ease me down to the floor.. took my hand in his and ushered me along.. saying ,

“ come on my little vixen….” I giggled 🤭.. and said.. I’m all kinds of exotic animal tonight, eh????!!!He looks down on me.. smiling.. and pulled me to him and whispered in my ear as as kissed my neck..” uhhuh…

I just melt into his arms.. throw my head backwards. Giving him all access to lay his sweet kisses…he gently ease me onto the bed… and I found his lips with mine and kissed him ever fervently . He matches my zealousness… he rolled me over to straddle him as he lay on his back…

I pulled his shirt over his head.. and as he allowed me to he whispered softly.. in his sexy husky voice…love me hun…

I smile at him kiss him again on those voluptuous lips.. he kissed me very intensely as he held the back of my head, running his hand occasionally through my hair as he let out soft moans…

I moved down to his neck …., loving on him as he urges me to….sliding my body to align with his.. as I kissed his neck I gravitate my hips against his hard throbbing bulge… I slid in an up and down motion on that bulge.. as he reached down to caress my buttocks…

It was straining against his pants… so he started to undo his belt.. I slid off the bed.. as he kicked off his shoes… and I helped him out of his pants… I decided to stay where I am .. I kneel on the floor between his legs .. took him in my hand.. as I licked at it slowly.. running my tongue all the way to the shaft and back upward to find the tip again… I used the flat of my tongue to slid a few more times up and down…

He one hand on my shoulder and the next on top of my head… as he was reciting his favorite words of pleasure… shiit .. shitt.. shitt.. ooh yes . Yess . That s it baby…

Next thing I know I was on the bed . As he position me on my knees… he made one fast and hard move and he was inside my dripping soaking wet kitty…,

he pounded me fiercely bringing me to the heights of ecstasy as he pumped me full of his hott spunk… I was flat on my tummy then… with him on my back.. both of us drenched in each other sweat… as we catch our laboring breath….

I jokingly said to him.. “ my lovelove.. that was most invigorating…“

He just responded with a “ yup “…. sounding very proud indeed..

We lay there for few more minutes until we regain normal breathing.. kitty was still twitching a little .. he moved off me and lie on his back.. I turned around and took his hard , move his fingers to touch kitty.. hoping for him to bring her again to an orgasm….

He moved his hand away ever so swiftly.. and said.. “eww…” I laugh and ask him what’s wrong..

He had this look of disgust on his face as he said..

“ hun… that’s sperm.. go get cleaned up…”.. I started to laugh out really hard… as I said to him . It’s your sperm silly… I swiped a little from my legs and teasingly ask him if he wants a taste.. .

His reaction was so humorous… he got up quickly.. pulling me towards the bathroom as I was dying with laughter.. he turned on the shower and said.. “ wash yourself off..”

I couldn’t stop laughing.. I was so tickled…

I came out wrapped in towel.. and saw him smoking a cigarette… looking very relaxed… I sat down beside him.. gently rubbing his beautiful chest with my hand.. I said to him,,

All cleaned”… as I bent to place a few kisses on that irresistible chest… he looked at me and just flashed me a smile… then he did something that really made me blush… he gently touched my cheek .. and softly caress it with the back of his fingers…. I leaned my head onto those fingers.. close my eyes enjoying his touch… I then feel him cup my face with both hand pulling me towards him as he rises his face to meet mine…

He gently kisses me and softly whisperers…

“ I needed that so much… thank you !!!”

I eagerly return his kisses …smile and hugged him to me and he returned my hug with a squeeze …

I was very happy to be with him sharing this tender moment….While he is here with me nothing else or nobody else matters. I savor and enjoy him as much as I can.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much joy I derived from this one guy….

He stayed for most of the night… we made Love again.. and I fell asleep in the crook of his arms.. I woke up cradled by him in a spooning position…

I turn around and wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest as I inhaled his scent and relished his warmth….I woke him up… with my movements and he returned my hug as he apologetically said he has to go..

I reluctantly let him go.. he got up .. got dressed.. as I watched him .. and begging him to stay the rest of night…

He bent over kiss me.. and said he can’t.. I got up and walked him to the door… there he gives me a huge hug , kisses me ever so sweetly.. let me go and whispered.. see you soon…

I watched him drive away.. and I smile with pleasure.. I was beaming with joy.. MYLOVELOVE Came.. stayed a little..loves me a lot… I was again totally in love … and very gratifyingly fulfilled…

*********************+*++++**********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

Through The Eyes Of An Old Man:

This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…

After he died;

Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:

SEE ME:

What do you see nurses? What do you see?

What are you thinking, when you look at me?

A cranky old man, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.

And forever is losing… a sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open you eyes, nurse. You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now, a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.

A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other, with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me, to see that I don’t mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play ’round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years, and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man, and nature is cruel,

It’s jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,

And now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living, life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see:

Not a cranky old man,

Look closer, see ME!”

Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesn’t see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesn’t cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL… part 2

A FRESH START

A LOOK DOWN FROM THE SKY

So I arrived in Florida…it was a Saturday night.. November 5 th…my baby and I was met by my aunt… as we drove to her home I was just in awe of my new surroundings… I still couldn’t believe I was here….

My only regret was leaving my older son behind..and I still could see his little face so sad.. and hear his voice saying…

“The only thing you forget is me … is me mommy”…..

Those words haunted me to this day.. and still bring tears to my eyes.. I couldn’t take him with me..and I hated leaving him behind.. but I had get away from this man of mine…

I refused to stay and be physically abused… I had to sacrifice leaving my son.. but I promised I would make it right…(it took me six years to get him with me… eventually…)

My aunts was very receptive and seemed glad to have me… my baby was only a year and ten months… and was a crier… he clings to me a lot.. which was expected..

Christmas 🎄 came and went.. the weather was a bit chilly for me… and in January I thought it’s time for me to find work…

But…

My aunt refuses to babysit for me and I couldn’t afford the nursery… so I decided to take him back home until I get settled in a job and was capable of looking after him…

‘This was in February …. I reluctantly left him with his father.. and now I had to leave both my boys behind.. but… I was determined to come back and do everything I can to get them both with me…

I came back and immediately decided to find work.. I couldn’t get a job in my profession as an accountant… due to lack of computer knowledge or was I computer literate…. I decided to try as a cashier which I gain from being a assistant manager at a supermarket…

Thus.. my career as a cashier began… I picked up a job in a retail store…..I stayed at my aunt house for one year before she asked me to leave.. I then moved to Orlando Florida to stay with another aunt…

I came here and picked up another job.. so I had two jobs now…

Every summer I would go back home to see my babies.. this was the second summer for me.. when I return home and see my baby I was was so upset at his condition…

His father was not taking care of him… I almost didn’t come back.. I cried all the way home… and I told and relate to my aunt about what was happening with my baby and just how concerned I was and how distraught I was…

She saw my motherly anguish.. and promised to help me get accommodations so I could get my babies with me…

She and her husband was in real estate so she told me she would see if she could get me approved for a mortgage.. and she did…

And by the end of that year I got me a house… I went to get my baby .. but my older son didn’t have a visa.. so again I had to leave him behind…

I cause that baby of mine so much sorrow… I tried to make up with gifts… hoping it would make him happy… and when I finally decided to go get him.. he was 16 years old…

I had lost him. He out grew me.. and me him..he seems happy back there.. but… when he came here he became so depressed… that he tried to commit suicide at eighteen..

I was never home.. I worked.. from 11pm to 2 pm for day five days a week… I was always so afraid of leaving him… but.. thank goodness he never again tried it…

My youngest father also decided that he’s gonna join me and I allow him because my son was very attached by now… I was hoping he had changed his abusive ways..

I had also agreed to marry him.. and as soon as we got married he started to physically abuse me again… I keep trying and trying until I just had more than I could take… it took me four years to finalize our relationship…I called the police and file a domestic dispute… they got him out and I changed the locks and get me a security system in place…

Hence.. divorcing his sorry ass… I have been single since…

Over the next 20 years I worked those two jobs.. maintained my mortgage.. and see my kids through to adulthood…

In my view.. I have successfully achieved and accomplish my goal of being there for my children… I call this progress…

Yes I could have gone back to school.. get back into my accounting profession… but I was too overwhelmed with bills and babies to stop and again make more sacrifices and putting my babies second…

It was enough that I was working these long hours.. not spending enough time with them to add studying to that list..

I’m proud of where I am… what I have accomplished…my boys are now adults and are two of the most amazing men there is…

They both have families and are super dads… I guess I must have done something right after all.. am so very proud of them… and I’m so contented that I can retire and notworry about them or me…

My hard work pays off.. in the end… I’m able to survive financially and if I am short or in need.. my awesome sons is there to help me out..

What more can one ask for…

If that’s not being successful…

Then what is…????

I may have been a late bloomer and my life didn’t took off until I was in my thirties.. it may took a change of complete scenery and location..but… I. did it… I made it happen.. I got my own home… I became independent… and most of all I became the provider my kids needed…

It may not seem much to many but to me.. looking at where I am to where I have been… I have accomplished quite a lot… and I call it being successful…

I grew out of my insecurities and my lack of confidence…

DREAM COME TRUE: Angels 👼… Lena & Lani…

LOVABLE LENA

BIG BROTHER WITH LENA..

DREAM COME TRUE:….. Angels 👼… LANI &. LENA

Lena
4 months

LANI
18 months

SWEET AND CUDDLE-ABLE LANI

For the last 35 years I have lived in a household where I’m outnumbered by the male species.. my world was surrounded with all the men in my life…

I was blessed with two boys… I had always wanted a girl… how I would love to have had a daughter to be best friends with.. and share that special bond that I see moms and daughter share….

I love my boys.. I got so much joy raising them.. and I wouldn’t change one day with them… but… I just needed that girl to complete my world..

When my older son started to have children he ended up with three boys… I again have more than my share of boys.. and not a girl in the midst… I was begging him and his wife to consider trying one more time for the girl… and I was giving up hopes of ever getting a little girl to pamper and dress 👗 up in all these pretty dresses and cute outfits…

My younger son finally got pregnant 🤰 and was due with a baby girl… but his fiancé is from a different states and my dreams was dashed when they decided to go back to her home town to have his daughter..

I was so heartbroken 😔 and sad 😞… that I was losing the chance of having my my first granddaughter around…

I was sure I had lost my son too… and for those four months they stayed away I anguished over my lost…

But…

Things played in my favor… when they needed a babysitter and I was very much available because I was a retiree…

When they asked… however cold and contemptuous …. it may have been…( she texted.. “will you look after the baby while we go to work “)

No hello… we are planning on coming home… bla bla bla. Just straight to asking…. I had to read between the lines….

But…

I was so happy 😁 to know that they are taking my granddaughter home to me that I just simply ignore the coldness of that text and without a second thought or a even a slight hesitation… I quickly assure her that with an absolute yes…

“Please.. and when are you guys coming.. “ I asked..

I could hardly contain my emotions.. I was so so excited…

And so I got my lani at 2 months to present… the profound joy I have had the last year and a half is unexplainable.. she became the highlight of my existence… I’m always in awe of her progress and find so much joy in how very smart she is…

As I watched her get older and smarter I get a sense of pride…. feelings so close to her that I find myself so Intune and so connected to her emotions…

We read… we write and color….we play… we eat… we laugh.. we have fun together… she is my little buddy… my days became consumed with her…

Everything takes second place…

But…

Again As she gets older though …I know I’m about to lose her … because I have a condition with limitations that don’t allow me to be able to continue taking care of her…. she is growing out of my limits…

I take consolation though… in receiving this gift to fulfill my dream and no matter how short lived it may be… I got me the daughter I so longed for…

Life really gives beautiful gifts…

It gives me this most precious angel 😇 sent from heaven for me to enjoy… and enjoy her I did… to the fullest….

And to make life even sweeter… eighteen months later I got me my second most adorable 😍 granddaughter LENA….

What more is there to ask for… my world is finally in completion…

TO BE CONTINUED…..

…..The story of LENA

A SLAP 👋 IN FACE…. part 4

Born December 27th

….. John woke up and saw me outside.. he came and asked if I was ready to go.. I told him yes..

I sat there thinking and wishing I did not made the choice I had.. and feeling so upset because apart from upsetting her I have ruin my Christmas plans..

I got up retrieved my things and said bye to her.. not getting a response..

And head for the car.. my son and I .. we had a good little conversation on our way… and he was very sympathetic to me.. he shows understanding and actually told me that he thinks she has more issues than she thinks he has..

I had to agree with that statement.. he gives me a few examples of her iritic outburst… which he thought was very unnecessary especially with her eldest… but he said she doesn’t receive advices or suggestions too well…

That was enough explanation for me..

It was their second anniversary so I asked him to go easy on her and try not to do or say anything to upset the day…

He dropped me off and headed back home..

It took me two days to overcome my feelings.. and on the second day I thought I’d send her a text apologizing.. hoping she would now be in a better frame of mind..

“Hey 👋 Megan..

I do hope you are feeling much better today…

I’m so sorry 😐 my visit took a turn for the worst…

I didn’t mean to upset 😡 you so badly..

I just wanted to spend some time with you and enjoy 😊 your company..

So sorry 😐 for what I have said to make you so 😠 mad…

It was never my intentions..

I just hope we can move forward and beyond it..

And continue as friends..

I am not mad with you..

I know you are just going through a very emotional time right now. .. being in your last month of pregnancy 🤰 and all..

And have a family to take care of..

You are doing such an awesome 👏 job sweet girl…

You are a strong girl and you are a most wonderful mom and wife…

Keep on doing what you are doing..”

It went unanswered..

I even tried to butter her up.. hoping she would smile..

Ooh well!!?? I guess I just better leave it at that..

The next two weeks to Christmas 🎄 was very emotional for me because for the very first time I’m not going to be celebrating 🥳 Christmas without John…

John came over Christmas Eve with ayden..

We went out to eat.. he spent a few hours then leave..

We had exchange Christmas 🎄 gifts 🎁 . And good wishes ..

So next day ( Christmas 🎄 Day) was just me and my younger son home.. I tried to make the best of it..

The day came and went very uneventful..

I got a text from John that Friday.. baby coming.. and a couple hours later.. he sent photos..

So baby was born at 10am Friday morning…

And just when I was getting over my emotional state .. here comes another reason for me to be sad 😢…

I won’t be able to go see my granddaughter.. and I vowed that I would never go back to her home unless she personally invited me..

It’s been two weeks since the birth of my granddaughter..

And she did send some pictures to me and we had a little texting dialogue.. but I haven’t heard from her since..

And I’m not anxiously thinking that is an invite to resume connection..

So I will wait until she decided to do so..

I have been talking to friends about what happens.. and their suggestions have me looking at the whole scenario differently.. and at different angles…

One such suggestions is that maybe she wanted to cut John’s families out of the picture..

I don’t really care too much other than I’m not going to be able to spend much time with my granddaughter..

But I can do it if I have to.. I just find it so funny.. the extreme of it all..

Here I’m am left with total responsibility of my younger son daughter.. to the point that I have to ask him to give me a break..

And now I’m not going to be able to see this one at all..

I just can’t win for losing…

I will just have to let it all play out and deal with whatever comes..

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE… part 3

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU SAY…

WORDS CAN HURT 😞 MUCH MORE THAN

A SLAP 👋……..

THE AFTER EFFECTS….

…… I continued to cook dinner .... she locked herself in her bedroom… I was really uncomfortable and wish I could leave and go home… my emotions was running high and wild….

I felt guilty and badly for causing her rage… but I had mixed feelings.. the more I think about the conversation.. I come up with the conclusion that I didn’t actually say anything to have cause her reacting in that manner..

And… come to think about it she was very mean and somewhat rude to the point of disrespect… shouldn’t I have reminded her of who she was talking to and asked her to address me with more respect than that..

I didn’t even raise my voice once. I maintain my composure.. why then am I so forgiving and remorseful.. could it be because I’m in her home….

Or..

Is it because she is pregnant..

I find myself very understanding and even compassionate towards her… my throat was tightening up again..and my eyes were filling up with tears.. accidentally spilling down my face..

I think it’s because I liked her so much and I wanted so much to spend this time with her… we don’t really communicate too often and I so much wanted be close with her..

This is a side of her I never saw or known..

So after I finish cooking I thought I would go see if she has calm down and try to break the ice. .. letting her know that I’m not mad.. hoping she would be receptive to my gesture…

But..

She was very cold and distant..and had an negative attitude…

So I just back away disappointingly.. and utter a “OUCH “……

I went to my grandson room… I was not feeling too good and again I wish I could leave… why did I invite my silly ass over… I question myself…

My son came home but I didn’t go out to greet him…

But later on I decided to go and put away the food for the night… she didn’t come out if her room all evening..

John was sitting on the couch and he came in the kitchen to ask me why did I say that to her about her son..

So I had to explain to him the conversation we had that leads up to me mentioning her son to her..

I broke down in the middle of the story and my son..he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions…so he was getting uncomfortable 😣 and asked me to stop… so I did..

I finished up with what I was doing and went back to the room.. I lay there for hours going over and over in my mind the incident that occurred…

She chooses to tell john just the comment I made about her son… shaking my head… and to think of it …..she was the one who said everything she wanted John to believe I said…

I dozed off with tears flowing… I was very hurt for more reasons than one..

I didn’t get up with my grandson that morning….but after they left For school I got up.. got ready.. pack my belongings.. and decided to go sit outside in the backyard until my son wakes up…

She was on the couch.. I shouted , ” good morning 😃☀️🌞 Megan “….

I didn’t get a reply.. so as I was passing to go through the door to the backyard.. I asked,

” are you okay today??….”

She replied very sarcastically and very nonchalantly ..

“As good as I’m going to be “….

I replied.. “that’s good “….

I sensed her indifference and her detachment… so I just leave her alone..

*************++++************

TO BE CONTINUED…

A SLAP IN THE FACE…. part 2

ONE BIG SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE

THE CONVERSATION….

The evening went well.. we all retired to our sleeping quarters…

I slept with my grandson and he woke me up pretty early.. they had school…

My son was off to work early .. I had some coffee ☕️ sit for a while with meg..

And about an hour later .. decided to get up to change out my pjs…I asked meg what was on her agenda…and she said she wanted to go to the store to pick up something.. I told her I would glad to ride along with her..

I thought she meant later in the morning but just as I got into my clothes.. she asked if I was ready… so we went off to the store…

While there I picked up a few things.. mostly snacks for me and the boys…

We were having a conversation about blood type. And meg was getting a bit agitated 😣 with my questions and suggestions about her knowing her kids blood type.. so much so that I had to cut off the conversation entirely and letting her know it’s only me that these things are so important to… I didn’t like her tone … and definitely did not want to upset her…

We got home.. it was still too early for anything.. I again told her I would love to take over the cooking so she would not have to stand up so long…

So we sat down.. she turns on the news… and me…( 🤦‍♀️ smh ..sigh) .. I decided to ask her about her comment about her second son living with his father…

It starts out very casually with her saying she would not allow it.. but she went on farther stating that John is envious of her son and his father..

I did not agree with her and so it became a discussion which spiral out of control on her part. She let me know that John is still having abandonment issues.. that he has been crying and been threatening suicide..

So I just said.. annoyingly..

” He is almost 40 years old… it’s time he gets over this shit”….

Oh my.. she got very belligerent and started to blame me for him going through all that emotional trauma …

I remain calm and asked her not to be so upset.. I tried to change my approach by admitting the fault and then tried to explain my reasons for and behind making that choice which affects him so badly ..

I started off saying…

“When we are young we as parents sometimes make choices with and for our children without the realization of how it may or will affect them…”

I continued with the explanation of why I left him behind…and To clarify and satisfy my story or excuses or explaination..I kinda finish by saying…(trying or hoping she would understand.. ) just like the the choice you made with your oldest son..

Ooh man.. she flew off the handle… and went into a raging fit.. saying that she has not abandoned her son.. because she didn’t leave him and come to another country…

I didn’t say anything about her abandoning her son .. but I only make matters worse when I say the distance doesn’t matter..

I had to stop talking because I was afraid of her getting into such a rage.. but she continued to spew out a whole heap of negative remarks about me.. including the fact that I mess up my son and leave her to pick up the pieces.. I just say ” ouch 😣 ”

And..

“Oops 🤭😬”

And just walked away..

I was so hurt .. her words cut really deep.. because I had struggled with great guilt and remorse for years… I couldn’t go back and undo the damage I had cause my son….and I had suffered with him during the height of his first onset of deep depression… and I don’t see him with that emotions anymore.. so I was not believing it was still affecting him to the degree of how she wanted me to believe…. he had come along way.. and he has progressed so much.. I’m swell with pride sometimes just thinking of him and how he has grown.1

the tears was threatening to flow..I had to take a minute to calm down my emotions..and I started to cook as I promised… how could she be so mean…????!!!! If only she could know and realize just how much my decision and choice has hurt me in past… and how very much I regretted leaving him behind….

It was really like a slap 👋 to my face..

I really don’t see how our conversation could have reached to that point…but..

She’s pregnant and highly emotional..so I didn’t hold it against her… she was obviously 🙄 on edge all morning… and I guess it didn’t take much to trigger off her reaction..

………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED…

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE.. part 1

YOUR MOOD SHOULD NOT DICATE YOUR MANNERS

The visit

I have a daughter in law for the past ten years.. my oldest son wife…

They have three boys and is expecting a little girl in January…

They live in another city from me..and they just purchased a house …

It’s approximately an hour driving to get to me so I don’t get to see them and my grandchildren too often…

My daughter in law….MEG…. and I don’t really talk too much… she’s a nice pleasant girl and we get along quite well…

I have seen her… in early November during her baby shower…but haven’t really spoken to her… so after a nearly a month I decided to call her to check up on her… and while we were talking she mentioned she was on vacation…

And me being free totally invited myself over to spend a couple days with her.. I thought it would be so nice to just chitchat with her and I would be able to spend some time with my grandsons..

I called my son and told him of my big plan.. and asked him to pick me up that weekend… I was a little excited for the opportunity to get away for a couple days..and was rather thrilled to spend some time with meg and the boys.. also see my son.. I miss seeing him..

He agreed on Sunday.. but come Sunday he said he wasn’t able to make it and would come for me Wednesday instead.. my mind went in over ride… with all the negative reasons he decided not to pick me up..

To say the least.. I was very disappointed 😔 to the point of tears … I was so looking forward to this visit..

My son somehow sensed my feelings and I got a text from him that same evening that meg will pick me up next day… my first feelings was to denied it.. but I thought I was just being petty.. and acting silly… so I just said okay 👌…I will be ready and waiting..

Come Monday morning I got up got myself ready .. she arrived at about 11am.. I was glad to see her.. and I mentioned my concern about her driving so far in her condition… she assured me she was fine but I was still a bit worried 😟 to the point of guilt..having her come all this way for me…

I pushed it aside though.. trying not to let my feelings mess up my visit.. I’m just going to enjoy meg and the boys…

The evening went by well.. we took some time to talk and catch up… the boys was very happy 😃 to see me.. I told meg I would cook dinner to give her the break to just relax…

My son got home a little late.. and a little tired..

We all eat… and then sit down to watch a little tv 📺…

The next day was their anniversary so we talked about that and their plans… then we went on to talk about Christmas and the menu..

And what is expected.. I mentioned that I was going to come over a couple days before just so I could get everything prep and to give meg a break from doing much in her last weeks of pregnancy….

The conversation went to gifts 🎁 for the boys.. and meg mentioned that John (my son) was talking about giving the youngest a car for his sixteen birthday 🎁..

That is eight years away…so I intervene and told John that he has to think of the two older boys first..

( you see the two oldest is his stepsons and he feels it’s their fathers duty to give them a 🚘 car)

So we had a little debate on that with me trying to convince him to be fair enough as a father and know that he has to do for them as much as his own biological son… meg mentioned that the second boy chooses to be there with them… in the sense of proving that he loves his stepdad..

I didn’t comment on what she said apart from agreeing with her… but it causes me to think and wonder if she would allow him to live with his dad if he so desires…

Over the past ten years I tried to give my motherly advice to her as much as she asked for it…or if I observed something I think needed to be addressed I would offer some kind of suggestions or say what I think.. she was always receptive to my little advices and interferences… because I live apart from them I limit what I say or how I feel seeing that I really don’t have much control on anything.. so all in all I do allow them to be the boss of their life…

In saying so.. I found out a few months ago that she removed her oldest son out of his home and put him to live with her mom.. I asked my son about it and he asked me not to mention it to her because it’s a very sensitive subject with her… so against my feelings I decided to not asked her or mentioned it…

I actually didn’t agree with her decision and I wanted to let her know my reasons and tried to encourage her to get him back in with his brothers .. I fear what the seperation might do to him emotionally and how it will affect him..

I made a similar choice with her husband… I moved out and leave him behind and eventually relocated abroad…

He suffered from abandonment issues and went into deep depression as a teenager… So this is what I fear will happen with her son eventually if she doesn’t get him back home soon..

But I honor my son’s request and decided to leave it alone.. as much as we talked and much as I like her.. I was not that close to her to interfere in her personal choice… I just didn’t think it was in my place to question her decision with her son as much as it displeased me…

……………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED…

BEING A MOM… VS… BEING A GRANDMA…

So sweet she is

My most beautiful granddaughter…

It’s so amazing how we think so very differently as we aged enough to experience the joy of being called grandma…

Maybe it’s the experience of age..

Maybe it’s just living to see your children having children…

Or maybe it’s the journey through life that leaves us with the changes and experiences that make us think differently and treat the grand offsprings with such differences compared to how we treated our own children…

I’m so happy to be able to be alive to experience the grandchildren I have now…

But…

I do realize that I have such a different attitude and approach with them than I ever had with their parents..

I show more patience …

More understanding….

More eagerness…

I reflect back sometimes and it makes me sad sad 😞 to remember how impatient I was…how much I lack understanding…

And just how apathetic I was…

Yet I know I have loved my kids… as much as any mother could… but.. I lack that interest to give my all…

We call it discipline .. we call it structure .. we call it teaching…

Yet just years later we forget why and how we did what we did.. and doesn’t apply it to our grandchildren….

We have a complete set of new rules and expect our kids to take our new found advice and abide by them… when dealing with their kids…

My son had to remind me of how I scolded him for some kind of behavior I was insisting that he doesn’t do when he was trying to discipline his baby…

And I tried so hard to justify my then actions.. so he could understand my now reasoning for not wanting him to apply such.. with his daughter…

Life really teaches us.. and it brings changes… of how we see everything…

I have to really restrain myself from interfering with his methods of discipline… and allow him to be the father to his daughter.. whether or not I approve or not…

I guess we all have different values we try to instill in our kids…every parent have their very own…and we just have to allow and respect each and every one to be the boss of their kids upbringing…

Just as I have learned along way… I think so will everyone else too…

So I will continue to enjoy my sweet and adorable grandbabies… when I do get the chance…

And leave my kids to their parenting skills… afterall … they are the boss of them…

BESTIES 👯…. UNTIL NOT… Cory.. part 2

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END….

…… the first year went by with us enjoying conversing and sharing our lives together…

Both of us uses each other as someone to tell everything to without reservations knowing it’s just between us… we have no other connection to anyone in our circle…

OR….

This is how I view it and why I willingly confess to so much of my personal experiences… I speak freely of everyone.. my sisters ; my sons ; my friends.,..

I was thinking my feelings of distaste for them and my negative thoughts won’t cause no harm because they have no chance of ever knowing or hearing what I say or how I feel .. Cory isn’t a part of my immediate surroundings.. and some of these conversations is not for the people in question ears…. it not that it’s a secret or is it malicious in any way..

It’s just a matter of sparing feelings of hurt 😞 if told…

No one knows him.. and he knows no one…

so I vent and gripe my grievances to him freely and easily without guilt knowing it’s just between us..

We became so close ;we form a very strong bond that I even surprised myself of just how close we have grown….

And when I decided to help my ex friend abbey….

He was more than willing to help me with my campaign of helping abbey … because he saw how passionate I was to her cause…

I was very touched that he stood by me and decided to help me help her along.. I thought… only a true friend would do this kind of thing… and I admire him for it… and I hold him in very high esteem… his generosity was far and beyond…

And I was very flattered when he choose to prove his faithful friendship by doing something so out of the ordinary…

And when he sent me that voice mail I saw it as a act of loyalty to me…

I didn’t look at it.. in the sense of him deceiving her trust.. he was after all my friend…

What is two months compared to two years…???! So I didn’t hold it against him… as a matter of fact.. I thank him for letting me see her for who she was and how she actually view me as a friend…

He had some regrets after I ended my friendship with her… he didn’t anticipated me making that choice… I assured him he just opened my eyes to her true nature…

All those years I was thinking that we had a concrete bond of friendship… I just come to realize that I was just fooling myself…

Cory and I we talked for hours about it all.. me trying to understand how I never saw that side of her..Cory he just listened while I tried to make sense of it….

That the kind of friend he was.. after I think I got it all out and no more was left to be said… I asked him to not mention her name to me anymore and I will also refrain from talking about her too…

I figured they would still stay in contact and I didn’t want to have anything to do with their relationship….

and he agreed.. we continue with our friendship as is .. moving forward and beyond that episode..

But…

I never forget how he proves his faithfulness to me…

*************************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT… part 2

THE MESS UP …. THAT ENDS IT ALL

…… fast forward to present….

Abbey has been having a very difficult time both financially and her living condition….

She was out of a job for a while until she picked up something a live in job taking care of an elderly lady…it is a 24hr job..and the pay is not practical for such time consumption and labor… it takes dedication and consume her entire focus…

And her employers expect her to also do house duties as well… it’s a paycheck and it helps her stays afloat…but she doesn’t have a social life..because of it time consumption… she couldn’t demand more salary because she was not qualified in the department of practical nursing Although her duties were such..:

After a year of working in this job she decided it would be wise to get certified in it..

So she makes up her mind to do a year course in practical nursing..

Only one itch..it has to be full time.. she thought about it… talked to me.. tell me her decisions and the choices she had made…

I fully encouraged her..and make a promise to her that I would do everything I can to help her along within the year she would be doing her studies…

She said she was going to also ask her brother and some other relatives to help her..

She was willing to make the sacrifice and i was all for it feeling very proud of her to actually go through with it.. I thought she has guts and was very ambitious and I know she would be able to do much better once she gets certified.:.

So she enrolled.. I helped her with some money to get it going … pay the tuition..ect.ect. and I even get her, her text book (which was very expensive and way over her budget)….and sent it to her…

I was trying to do what I can to help her along…

So she started..off in February that year … and I hold up my end of the bargain and help financially with as much as I could afford..I even went as far as asking my children and friends to help me help her.. one month when I couldn’t do it… and they came through for me.

I had some financial issues the next couple of months and so I tried to think of ways I could still accumulate the money she needs to help her along..

Sitting there thinking.. I thought of a GoFundMe.. account for her.. I had used it the year before to help me out when I needed help to save my house from going in foreclosure..

so I went ahead and created the account without consulting with her or informing her of my decision … I really thought it was not a big deal and that I was just trying to help and this was an option…

I’m Known for my overly presumptuousness ….

so I told her story …. to get my audience sympathy .. put up her picture …and posted it….

Now I had a really good and kindest friend ever… we became friends when he donated to my cause last year when I had my story running.. he actually donated four times..

And so begins our wonderful friendship… I was always so grateful to him.. and I hold him with great regards…

And he likes me so much that we became great phone pals.. we talked almost every day…

So when I put her story out

He immediately picked it up..and call to let me know that he was going to pledge $200 a month to help me help her.. because I was so passionate to her cause..

This $200 US… was more than enough to cover her basic needs… I thought it was a blessing…

He donated a $ 100 that same day ..I was so excited by his generosity that I immediately called abbey to let her know what has conspired with what I have done…

I sent her that $100 right away..

But…..

When I informed her of the GoFundMe.. account and tell her of Cory’s pledge..the reaction I had anticipated or expected was not what she greets me with…

She was very annoyed to the point of anger she said I should have discussed it with her first..and that she didn’t like that I put her business online.. that she’s very private unlike me..

I was very disappointed to say the least.. I tried to argue with her on the point of me trying to help her… and reminded her of Cory’s pledge….and that it is no big deal..

But she was very belligerent and didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say..in her eyes I was just plain wrong … I agreed with her because the truth was….

I did not ask her permission or let her know I was doing it…and so I decided to cancel the account hence there goes Cory’s pledge..

I didn’t hear from her for a few days after that.., I figured she was mad at me .. so I called and apologize to her for over stepping my boundaries… and asked her not to let this ruin our friendship… I pleaded with her to forgive me for being so insensitive and for being so presumptuous..

She reluctantly accepted my apology ..

She has the nerve to ask me though if Cory could still help her.., I simply told her no because I canceled the GoFundMe account…

I accepted the wrong and I still continue to do what I could to help her..

I told Cory what took place and he was very disappointed and hurt that she refuses his pledge but he still wants to help me help her some …but I never let her know this…he keeps on asking after her.. and insisted on helping me help her… I really appreciate his generosity and appreciated him even more as a friend..

He was proving to be a really awesome 👏 friend….

I know abbey needs the help even though she was stubborn with her unnecessary pride…

*****++++*******++++++

TO BE CONTINUED……

The build up to the final straw (part 3)

A GLIMSE IN AN OLD LADY’S 👵 LIFE ….

All seniors in our sixties… where did the years go

When did we get so old…????!!!!☺️😊🤔🤫

I get so nostalgic sometimes getting lost in time gone by…

It seems like a lifetime ago we were teenagers or younger versions of us..

I look in the mirror sometimes and I hardly recognize the person looking back at me..and I have to ask myself… when did I get so old..

Then I looked at my children …adults..having children of their own..

And I have to snap myself out of yesterday and force myself into the present..and take a good hard look at them and see them as is now ..

Instead of still viewing them as the babies I held in my arms..30 plus years ago….

It’s funny how we hold on to the past and find it so hard to let go of the images we hold so dear….

And all of a sudden I feel so old..realizing how far I have traveled to where I am today.. the journey has been good with a little bump here and there..

But..

The miles have slipped by so quickly and the journey seems to take us so far in the future …. it becomes our present…without realizing how far we have traveled..

Now looking at where I am … to where I’m coming from…it’s like waking up from a dream…

There is so much unfinished things…so much I still want to do… but taking a step back and looking back at all that I have accomplished…and that was achieved…

I smile with great pride knowing that I lived a full life… making the best of everything I had… life has been good..and yes …

I may have made some poor choices but…

I also made some good ones…

One thing I always wish for and always wish life offers is….

A chance for a “DO OVER “….

So we just have to keep moving forward…and accepting adjusting to the choices we make..

There is no going back.. there is no undoing what has been done..

Whether good or bad..

Right or wrong..

Mistakes or not..

It’s always too late to change our mind..

So we learn to make lemonade from lemons…

And just keep smiling and keep positive and just keep moving forward.. always stay optimistic that our choices are correct and if not…

We just try again.. until we get it right..

No sense in crying over spilled milk…

We just mop it up and pour another glass..

This is life.. it’s always a gamble..

A hit or miss…

LIFE IS A CHANCE.. but…IT’S ALWAYS WORTH TAKING…

And so..

We are at the end of our journey…

And we live in memories of yesterday..

And I smile every time..

And give thanks for all that life has brought me and has given me…

And I tried not to live in retrospect..

I don’t have much regrets…

I count my blessings and I live in gratitude…

A lifetime worth living….

EMOTIONAL OVER REACTION: part 2…

PASSIONATE LOVE 💕 FOR A CHILD

…….But then everything changes when she tells me that she is going to leave baby with her mom for approximately two weeks in West Virginia without her or dad around……..

I immediately exclaimed…”no !!!!! Don’t do that…she will not do well without you or dad around… she will fret on you guys.. stop eating.. be depressed ..and she might get sick..”

Her explanation is that she promised her mom already..

I argued that this baby is not a puss kitten and she can change her mind if she wants and thinks it’s not in the best interest of her baby…

I beg my son to try to convince her and ask her not to leave his baby behind.. but he let me know it her choice as if he has no say in his baby’s well being..

I was very upset about her decision and I grow very angry because I was helpless in this situation… I keep thinking of my little malanni (granddaughter) crying for her mom and dad and how she would feel when she don’t see them around…

She was leaving in a couple of days and during those days all I talked about and gripe about is her leaving that baby behind…

I asked her on numerous occasions … please reconsider and don’t leave her behind ..

I think she feels as if I am being selfish and trying to keep mallani away from her mom…

But.. that was not my main concern..

Although the truth be told.. I didn’t fully trust her mom to be a good caretaker..

For one..

She is a smoker…a heavy smoker… not so good for little malanni and her lungs…

Two…

She is as lazy and messy as her daughter or more… this is where her daughter figured and learned…it’s the norm to live in a mess…

I’m not saying I’m better…At taking care of her…

But I have big doubts about her being responsible enough to make sure my granddaughter is properly taken care of..

But with all this knowledge…this was not my primary concern about her leaving the baby behind…

I’m so worried about the emotional impact it’s going to have on little malanni.. she’s old enough to know her parents and old enough to want them around for her comfort…

(How can a mother.. no matter how young she maybe…separate herself from her baby this way….how can she be so insensitive and cruel and so eager to leave her baby so far away just so she can have the freedom with no responsibility…??????!!!!! I can not comprehend her choice without any signs of remorse…?????)

The separation is not going to be good for little malanni…

After she leaves for West Virginia … I tried to talk to me son .. trying to convince him that again to ask her to reconsider her decision and to let her know that he is totally against being away from his baby for so long…

But…

He again asked me to stop interfering in his and his girls life…and that it is “NONE OF MY BUSINESS “…

I was really hurt by his comments…but I walked away without another word…

I’m having such a hard time dealing with this… I go to sleep and have nightmares about my granddaughter.. I get anxiety attacks thinking about her crying …wanting her mom and dad… I can hear her crying sometimes…it’s just my imagination but that’s how much it’s affecting me…and its even worse that I’m restricted from talking about it to them…

So I made a very conscious decision that I’m completely done with her and her baby…

I have decided to stay away from my granddaughter ..give up my duties as a nanny… stop with everything that I have been trying to do to help…

I really hope I can stick with this decision I have made when she gets back.. but for now.. I’m done…

I know it will seem as if I’m just mad because I couldn’t get my way…and that may hold some truth to it…and I reflect back to movies I have seen where these grandparents fights their children for their grandchildren…

And now I have a greater understanding as to why they would want to do this….it’s so hard to stand back and watch the mistreatment of these innocent babies without trying to step in …

I have talked and gripe to friends about the whole thing and tell them my decision…

And I have been met with a lot of opposition telling me she has done nothing wrong and that I’m over reacting to something that I really have no say in..

And I totally agreed..

But I’m strongly convicted to my choice.. and although no one shares my decision…it’s mine to make…

An yes I’m making a big deal out of it.. a case which I have no power of authority…

They shut me out and shut me up..and expect me to be eager to be of use only when they require me to be….

They are right… she is actually none of my business…

And I’m going to make her just that… I’m throwing a tantrum and I’m acting silly…

But I strongly believe what I’m doing and I have decided is the best for me..

*****^^^^******^^^^******

TO BE CONTINUED…

AN UPDATE ON HER RETURN…

EMOTIONAL OVER REACTION: part 1

This is my own personal choice and reaction.. that I’m not seeking advice or permission or even understanding…

But I want to share my story.. even though I expect to meet a lot of criticism and opposition to my choices And to my over reaction to something that is really “None of my Business “…. And to something that is not “My place to have a legit reason to defy…”

So here goes..

THE PASSIONATE LOVE 💕 FOR A CHILD

I have a granddaughter.. my son’s first baby ; my only granddaughter.. her mother is not the best of choice in my opinion…

But it’s my son choice:

She from West Virginia.. we are from Florida…

They lived with me for a year before getting pregnant….

They went to West Virginia to have this baby..

I understand her choice….it’s her home and her parents are there.. every girl needs mom and dad around for times like this..

I had feared at first that I would have lost my son because he would have chosen to stay in West Virginia..

But..

I understand his choice…it was his girl and his baby…

They spent five months and then they returned home with baby..I was very thrilled to get my son back home and very happy to have my granddaughter close..

She was two months old..

And they decided to come home because they wanted a baby sitter while they worked..

And I was more than willing to oblige..I didn’t think twice before I said yesss..

She was only two months when she came home.. she was not doing too well.. mom was feeding her bottle food.. adding cereal to he bottle..

which she couldn’t digest.. not feeding her on time..

Making her sleep for hours without waking her up to feed… it took a few weeks to convince her that she is hurting her baby’s health and that all she requires is just her formula..

She even stopped breastfeeding the poor baby because she ( mom) didn’t like it ..

I ended up having her more than they do over the next six months.. and I got to treat her and get her on a Right diet..

Mom is very lazy….

So I take up the responsibility of making sure everything for my granddaughter is taken care of..

If I didn’t wash her dirty laundry .. they wouldn’t be done..I had to walk behind them pick up Her clothes off their bedroom floor…

Be the bottle police ..to ensure that all her use bottles is always clean and sterilized regularly…

I was so afraid of her getting sick… I had to make sure her thermos is kept full of hot water for her bottle…

I watched my granddaughter progress with age from sitting up to rolling over.. crawling.. and then creeping…

I stayed up with her night after night while they worked till 2am in the morning…I didn’t mind because she wasn’t any trouble except that she wouldn’t sleep until they get home..

I understand … because every baby needs their parents especially at nights.. she was healthy and happy..

So after six months I became so attached to her.. she was apart of my daily routine….but I knew mom and dad was her comfort and happy place…

But mom didn’t take enough time with her.. she was always out or sleeping and when dad is around he has full responsibility while she either sleep or do whatever she pleases..

She doesn’t clean .. not her bedroom.. not the bathroom/ toilet…

My son enables her .. and when I try to say something about her behavior to him and complain that she needs to a mom.. he shuts me down asking me not to talk negatively about his girl..

So I stopped because I do understand why he asked me to stop…

I just keep on doing what needs to be done trying not to complain Over the months..

I accept how things are and even though occasionally I lash out for most part i just keep doing and know it is not going to change..

I still look at baby when needed..and I continue to do what is needed to be done…

And then at eight months when baby is knowing people and sticking more to mom and dad

Mom announced that she is going home for a vacation with baby..

I understand and encourages her visit.. after all it’s baby grandparents.

But then everything changes when she tells me that she is going to leave baby with her mom for approximately two weeks in West Virginia without her or dad around…

TO BE CONTINUED….,

My reaction and my feelings about her decision next..

A GRANDMA’S 👵 JOY & PRIDE….

GRANDMA BABY GIRL 👧

MY BABY WITH HIS BABY GIRL 👧

Nothing warms the heart ❤️ of a mom like having a grandbaby…..

It’s like having your baby all over again.. and you compare and reflect on all the similarities of when your baby was that age..

You relive all those moments of having him all over again.. and it takes you back to those precious memories of raising him..

To have his baby in your arms.. seeing his face on her.. and realizing all of sudden that your baby has become a man having children of his own…

And this precious little angel makes you want to squeeze her so tight.. and fill you with her much pride and give you this profound joy that fills your heart with warmth..

I’m a second time grandma..

but this is my first girl 👧 .. I have had two sons and three grandsons… and now a granddaughter…

THE GRANDSONS….12; 10; & 6

My three little men… they keep me smiling and keep me in line… gives my life meaning and make it all worthwhile..

I love spending time with them.. they tire me out but the pleasure I get is all worth it…

And now In addition to my little princes …. come my little princess..

I think this is what makes life so wonderful.. the simple pleasures of children..

You get to feel responsible for someone and you get to think of someone else’s happiness other than your own ..

So you do everything in your power to make them happy and keep them smiling….

And you find yourself smiling too because they are…

What could be more filling than that…

What could be more satisfying???!!!…

It’s so wonderful when you live long enough to see your babies become adults and having a family of their own…

And even better when you are apart of their lives……you get to bond with your grandbabies….

Definitely A Grandma’s pride and joy…..