WALKING AWAY….

My emotions are all over the place.. one minute I’m accepting that I have completely lost my emotional affair..

Next minute.. I’m feeling rejected.. empty.. .. craving his attention.. don’t know how to stop connecting.. I tried sometimes just to ignore him.. but I can never last too long especially if he send a text..

I light up.. like a bulb with smallest acknowledgment from him…

Why can’t my heart stop loving 🥰 him.. why can’t I stop wanting him… why am I so damn attached that I find it so damn hard to let go and walk away from him….

He is 4500 miles away .. with no hope of ever connecting on a personal level… this relationship is doomed from the start.. there is no future in it.. it will never materialize to reality..

I do understand.. and I do know that he needs someone real.. someone he can touch.. someone he can hold and who can be there for him up close and personal..

I have nothing to offer.. I have nothing to give.. I hold no hopes or dreams come through..

He will never know exactly who I am and what I can give.. he will Never see and know the love I have for him.. he will never experience me a lover.. as partner.. as anything….

I’m just a texting connection.. I’m nothing valid actually… nothing he can’t do without…

I know I have to let him go.. he gave as much as he can… and he is trying to give me more only in smaller doses and smaller capacity…. I wish he would let me go.. and save me the choice…

Because…

I just don’t know how to let go of him… I don’t know how to walk away from him…even when I know it’s what I need to do… and I asked myself.

Why does he hold on to me.. ????! why does he also refuses to let go… ????? why does he hang on to me????

I want him to be the one to severed our connection… and I’m guessing he wants me to do the same too..

I know the time has come for us to say goodbye…he has lost it all for me.. his heart is completely empty.. yet he text me that he loves me… no no no !!! He doesn’t anymore.. it all empty words .. just like his heart… it turns to stone .

he ignores my texts messages.. he doesn’t read them… He shut me out and shuts me off…. he is cold and very aloof towards me.. he treats me With disdain … he is very mean to me .. he gets upset with everything I say .. he cusses at me… he talk to me with bitterness and anger…

Yep… there is all the reasons I should be walking away… yet I just can’t find the courage to take the step and turn my back on a relationship that is definitely not working out for me anymore…

I just can’t understand my reasons for hanging on to him… he gives me all the reasons to leave….and what do I do…???!!

I choose to stick around and take the hurt.. feel the rejection… accept his abuse… and let him treats me with contempt…..

He calls me dumb.. he called stupid.. tells me to shut up.. and you know what .. he is so right.. because plainly I am and more….

Only a fool would stay with all this negativity and tells herself that she’s so in love that she can’t and won’t walk from this relationship that has become toxic instead of being joyful and sweet.. it has turned sour…

What will it take to cut him loose … it shouldn’t be so hard to do.. he is only a make believe world of fantasy I created …..and somehow to me..we became real inside my world of fantasy…

I know there is no getting back what he lost 😞… it gone.. it over.. it done… but I keep telling myself that a little of him is better than not having none of him..

But…

Is there any truth in that logic… nope… I’m only fooling myself and causing me more anguish and excruciating pain…

I need to just close the door on us and just savor the times we have had.. that brings me so much joy… remembering him when I was his main focus…

So starting now I guess I guess I will try to ignore him as much as he is ignoring me… leave his ass alone for as long as I can..

He is never coming back.. so all hopes is dead… he will not miss me.. and he will not try to reconnect…

So it will be a clean break…

My heart will learn to stop aching for him.. and the craving will eventually dissipate…. the tears will stop… and my heart will be healed.. the scar will remained… and maybe grow a callus…

It will take some time to get past him and the times we shared….with time everything will fade away and the smile 😃 on my face will return… yes .. yes .. yes I have lost him….. I know it…

I don’t and will never regret knowing him and loving him… I will always be grateful that he came along and share his world with me.. and I will always remember this mega love that I felt for him…

I will always smile 😃 whenever I think of him .. or whenever I see those emojis kisses 💋💋💋… or whenever I reflect on the time he was mine.. he was once…

So the time has come for me to let him go… and walk away.. with seven years of sweet memories…

I just hope he finds someone who love him unconditionally like I did.. and who will make him happy and keep him smiling.. and give him the joy that he deserves….

I want to thank him again for giving me the joys of him… for sharing his world with me.. for teaching me so many things… for loving me the times he did… but he doesn’t read my text messages.. so it would be a waste of time to express anything to him…

He came into my world and he made a big difference to my daily existence… no lie. He brought a light to my life… “it out now.. but I can remember when he light up my whole world… it was good.. it was awesome… it was absolutely amazing…. and how I have enjoyed every single moment we shared…. and how I beamed and shine so brightly glowing with the radiance of happiness….

I will definitely be missing him for a long long time… but I can’t make him love me again.. I can’t make him want me again.. he has lost it.. and once it gone.. it’s dead… and there is no way of getting it back…

So I am left with no choice but to walk away.. and let him fully enjoy his life.. without me…

There is no more us.. nothing is left to hang on to… like a drowning man clutching on to a straw….!!!! It’s the end of us .. I’m sinking to the bottom.. this relationship can’t be resumed or be saved…,!!!!!!

Walking away is the only option there is….

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR…AN ABRUPT ENDING…

LOVE 💕 IS SWEET

How do you calm your heart when the source of your love decided to replace you.. and walk away…

How do you stop all this emotions from overflowing and drain you of all your joy…

What measures can you take to prevent you from getting a panic attack with the thought that there will never be another him and you…

How do you come to terms with it.. how do you stop the tears… how do you just get over seven long years… of memories….

How do you close your mind.. close your heart…

How do you block all that you have shared…

I need to run away.. but there is no where to run… I need to lock myself away..from the whole world… but I can’t find nowhere to hide….

I tried to be patient.. I tried to be understanding..

I tried to be positive…

But so many signs..

His lack of sharing

  • His lack of communication
  • His lack of interest…
  • His lack of acknowledgement…
  • He has become evasive…
  • Always too busy for you….

He only talks about hisself… he ignores anything you say to him.. his response is slow… and contain one word….

You can feel you no longer hold any joy for him… he makes you feel like a nuisance…

I guess after seven years of distance.. you become boring… and he yearn for someone more exciting.. more fun.. more appealing.. more interesting…

And you have to admit that this make believe world of fantasy could not last forever…

And you have to gracefully bow out and Continued to live your life in dreams of yesterday’… when love was so good… when the world was a happy place…

And you just hang on to those happy times.. and through the tears.. we smile as we reminisce.. and remember.. we had it all. For just a moment…

SHATTERED HEART !!!

Seven years of blissful memories.. when we share our world…so much that they become intertwined… and to untangle it now is going to be hard…

Letting go will be hard.. and getting used to not having him as part of my daily life..going to be a big challenge … but all good things must come to an end …

THE END….

ONLINE DATING: THE RISE &FALL OF FOREST ANGELS/ HELL ANGELS…part 7

THIS IS REBLOG…

FOREST ANGELS…..

WE PLAYED EVERYDAY FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS… ERICA AND I GOT MOST OF THE PLAYTIME.. WE HAD JENNY JOINED OUR GROUP ABOUT A WEEK AFTER BUT SOMEHOW SHE ONLY SERVED TO ADD SPICE TO OUR SESSIONS.. SHE WAS A VERY SENSUAL ADDITION… SHE NEVER PLAYED  ACTIVELY WITH US…BUT HER PRESENCE WAS ALWAYS THERE…

NELLY ALSO WAS NOT ABLE TO PARTICIPATE TOO OFTEN AND ONLY JOINED US OCCASIONALLY… SHE WAS A BLAST TO HAVE HER INVOLVED… SHE WAS INTO THINGS WE WERE NOT… FIFTY SHADES OF GREY… AND SO SHE BRINGS  AND INTRODUCED THESE ROLE PLAY IN AND WE ALL GO FOR IT…

We were all in sync, enjoying each other as lovers and as friends… The angels were humorous and so was FOREST… he was having a ball with the four of us… He kept us horny and if he couldn’t play he would send us very provocative and stimulating videos..

we all grew attached to him in our own way… we found out beneath and behind his sexual facade… that he really was a nice compassionate and sweet man..there was more to him .. surprisingly …We try not to get too personal though…

The angels were talking among themselves; (forming of “HELL ANGELS”) and sharing personal information….with each other and becoming fast friends… It was here we learned and talked about our personal struggles and our everyday happenings… encourage… inspired.. motivates….. and form a lasting bond..

So back to “FOREST ANGELS”….

Forest hit us up with a good morning angels…

-erica:..    goodmorning my irish cream…

-Jenny:    morning my sexy peeps…

-Nelly: good morning forest…

-You:    Good Morning Sweet Lover and angels..

-forest:   what you all doing ladies???? Horny as fuck…

 

– You:   Oooooh forest.. I’m here daydreaming of your hard.. Stiff….Juicy..,rock hard.. Cock Just pumping my Hott soaking wet pussy.. As it clenches and gripping that nine inches  fuck meat.. Enjoying you thrusting and raming that cock deeeep… And haaard… Moving and pushing into you..as you hold my hips.. Pulling me in .. Aaaah.. Oooooh .. Fuck me lover….

– You: Fuck me gooooooddOooooh…

– Forest:     ooh yeah wendy.. I’d be Fucking ramming that juicy cunt…
– Erica..,: I’m so wet… come and play with us master…
– You:       Yeeeaah. Yessss Yessss….Don’t stop!!!….Erica.. Come here baby…
– Erica..,:      Yes ma’am
– Forest:    Yeah… angels..that’s it…
– You:       Slide under my mouth
– Forest:     Let daddy watch y’all fuck each other
– You:     Let me taste you….. Mmmmmm
– Forest:   Stroking my fucking cock… so hard… suck that pussy wendy…
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm yes… feels so good.. daddy you love how wett I am for you..
– You:    Wett…..Juicy… lover come kiss some of this tasty juice off my lips…
– You:     Hand me that silver bullet… Let me fuck you as I lick and suck your big engrossed clit…

– Erica..,:     Oh yes angel..pleeeassseee????
– Forest:     Good girls…. daddy love when you love each other…
– You:      Daddy o.. stick that hard  cock in Her mouth… Fuck her face…
– Erica..,: Yes daddy… I need your cock….
– You:    I’m slowly putting this silver bullet in.. inch by inch…loving how it vibrating…
– Erica..,:    Mmmm…. it’s driving me crazy baby…
– You:         Rubbing your thighs… as they shake with anxiety and excitement…
– Forest:      I mount your fucking face
– You:       Mmmmmm…lover.. you look good in her mouth…Tastsy…
– Forest:      Show me a pic of your open mouth
– You:           Mmmmmm.. Suck his big cock Erica as IM Fuckiin you deep and hard.. All the way in… and all the way out…  slowly…. And again in hard.. Deep…
– Forest:      Take this man meat you naughty lil angel…
– You:          Make her gag…Hold her throat… help it down…
– Erica..,:      Photo

erica send the photo he requested…
– You: put it down deep …she can take it. .. Suck that cock Erica…

– Erica..,:      Mmmmmmmmm… (licking… sucking  and loving how he taste)

– You:     Milk that cock… Look so tasty… Mmmming… kitty is begging for some… she is twitching fervently…
– Erica..,: Choke me with it daddy
– You:      Erica I want to feel this vibrating silver bullet in my kitty..
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm…..I’ll put it there..
– You:    I love the way it looks in you…
– You:     daddy fuck erica while she use that silver bullet on me…
– Erica..,  :yesss Daddy .. fill me up with your hard wett throbbing dick… and make me squirt all over you…
– Forest:     Fuckin balls slapping your chin as I fuck your mouth
– You:        come over here lover.. Fuck my ass as she fuck my pussy

– You:      Oooooh yeah.. Erica reahed up and squeezed his hanging balls.
– Erica..,:   Yumm….slap my face daddy

– Forest: You want some fucking cock in your ass my lil angel..
– Erica..,: Yes daddy

– You: Yessss!!!!Please sweetlover….My ass is winking…Begging to be fucked…Pleeesse … now..
– Erica..,: Photo …

Erica sent a photo of her beautiful sexy ass…
– Erica..,:    Ass in the air take it… I’m ready for you master.

– You:     Mmmm … let’s Switch it up… Mine then yours…. but Fuck me  first please…
– Forest:   Face down ass up my lil sex slaves..  Reach back and pull your fucking holes open…oooh yesss…
– You:    Plunge all that nine inches in.. I’m Pulling wide..
– Erica..,:     Yes daddy ooooooooo
– You:       Aaaaaaah… Yes… love the feel of that glorious man meat…as it slide in and out….
– You:     Kiss me Erica?

– Erica..,:     Muahhhhhh…
– You:         Slap my ass daddy….
– Forest:     Fucking spitting on your assholes
– Erica..,:    Oil us up daddy… make it slick and slippery…
– You:     Make it sting….put a finger in mine as you do erica..
– Forest:   I’m gonna stick my fucking tongue in your asses….Cuz I’m that fucking nasty….
– You:      Ooooh yeah… be very nasty lover… make us gushed…

– You:     Be nasty….Be very nasty….
– Erica..,:    We like you nasty…stick a finger in my snatch as you lick my asshole….
– Forest:      Stretching your assholes open
– You:        Lick this butt hole
– Erica..,:     Spank me red daddy

– Forest:     Then start tongue fucking
– You:       Yessss – Here you are… tongue fuck me…
– Erica..,:   Bite me…
– Forest:    Back and forth…. Fucking slapping asses hard…
– You:    Oooooh godddd….I’m Cummin… don’t stop lover…
– Forest:     Mmmmmmmmm yesssss…. glaze me…
– You:    Oooooh Shiiiiiit!!!!!
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmmm…..hurts so good
– Forest: God I fucking love your assholes…
– Erica..,:     Love your cock daddy…
– You:       Oooh yeah. Love that tongue tooo…
– Erica..,:    Harder and deeper
– You:         Lick it.. Fuck it
– Erica..,:     Photo …

a another photo from erica….

 
– You:   Use your fingers in mine lover….
– Erica..,:  This ass hole is loving your hard cock as it darts in and out….

– Forest: Yesssssss…. Darting my tongues in an out your fucking naughty assholes…
– You:      Put a finger In my pussy too – Ooooooohhhhhhh…yesssss….
– Forest:     Start finger fucking both your holes
– Erica..,:     Reaching under and rubbing my clit
– You:         Yeeeaah
– Foest:      Finding those gspots
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmmmmm
– You:       Mmmmmm
– Forest:   Tweaking the fuck outta them
– Erica..,:    Make me squirt daddy
– You:        Oooooh foooorrreesssttt
– Erica..,: Ooooooooooo mmmmmmmmmmm
– You:      Fuck me.. Fuck me. Fuuuuccckkkk meeeee
– Forest:    Faster and faster fingers tickling your gspots
– Erica..,: I’m cummmmmmmming
– Forest:      Fucking cock lovers.
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
– Forest:    I fucking love yall
– You:      Oooooh Fucckkk Yeeeaah

– You:     Don’t stop
– Forest: Ready to get your asses plugged?
– You: I’m Cummin again…. Plugged it… fill it up with cock…
– Erica..,: Love you too lover…..Yes daddy…

We played for another half-an-hour taking turns with Forest… we had such a good time making virtual love with each other… Nelly join in later on and we played a scenario with forest tied up and we teased him to the limit … make him watch us do each other with a strap on.. while Erica oil him and touching him closely but not fully … putting her lips so close and blowing on his hard bobbing cock.. him hiesting his hips so high urging her to take him in… 

then nelly straddled him and tease him with touching the tip of his cock with her kitty and moving away while she dribble juices all over him… he was oozing precum and bouncing in excitement… 

Erica was on his face with her kitty in his mouth… her eyes closed… enjoying his tongue as it lick and dart in and out of her oozing wett juicy cunt.. she was fucking his face as he groan with slobbering sounds…

proceed to love on his chest biting and nibbling on his nipples moving down to his belly button and kissing his groin area … rubbing my thumb ever so gently under the tip of his cock.. and …O.M.G.!!!!!  he shoots his spunk with such a force hitting the ceiling and all over my face…  Nelly start to stroke his pulsating cock… and Erica came over… squeezing his nuts and gently rubbing them…

forest squealed with pure pleasure and cum again spewing more spunk as he jerk and shaking in divine ecstasy…
Jenny pop in ever so often with a comment here and there… “damn hott”…. “Give it him angels”….ect. ect.ect…

Our playtime lasted continuously for a little more than a month… and one day we came on to find forest being suspended… The angels was devastated and we misses forest so much… We were all mad and so angry that someone reported him and got him suspended.

But we all had each other to talk to … Forest came back a week after but he was not the same and Nelly has left the group.. then Jenny and it dispersed… The Hell Angels was still intact and we continue without Forest…. Who by then has changed his profile and stop communicating with us… The fall of “FOREST ANGELS”….

We all were a little hurt by his actions… but we all accept it knowing it was a game to us and it was over…

The angels stayed together up today…  we all meet in Louisiana… we had a blast of a time getting to know each other personally… We always give thanks to Forest for bringing us together.. It’s a very strange way for a lasting friendship to form… but it is a bond that was creates by four girls with all similar likes… and common attitude…

We now encourage each other.. cheer on each other… love each other… and be there for each other… not a day go by we don’t say Hi and connect…So here’s to the four “Hell Angels” that fly together… WENDY….. ERICA….NELLY….JENNY…

There is a ocean between your heart and me….

music.apple.com/us/album/dont-leave-me-now/1531120313

The heart doesn’t know distances..doesn’t care how far away the object of its love is..

The heart wants what it wants…. even in a make believe world of pure fantasy… it becomes real and feel real…

Loving someone knows no boundaries and love can be found right where you are..

How often does life take two people and just melt them together ‘emotionally in a way that puts them in the same place and time…

This has happened to me more than once.. which makes me big believer in the impossible…

Our world became intertwined and interwoven ….merging two heart from around the globe..oceans in between…

it’s like all of our feelings and senses are totally heightened…We feel like we are experiencing this together.

Our parts have crosses as fate has it..and words are so powerful.. it impossible to resist each other…

We fell for the personality of the other… and we grow and developed an affinity… a unbreakable bond…

Trust became a vital virtue… communication is essential.. and sharing is all we have….

But our hearts 💞 remains true… and although we are loving 🥰 from afar… our heart doesn’t detect the distance between us…

There is an ocean between your heart and mine..

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: MAKE BELIEVE WORLD….

EVERYTHING REAL…

It’s so easy to create a world of make believe to suit your situation…. the heart tend to give the impression that love can conquer and break down every barrier…

It pushes those endorphins through every vain of you body deriving from that rush of adrenaline you get from your bond of connection…

Every emotions you feel… every desire you get… seems so real.. enough so you believe it… and the distance between you closes in… so much you can feel their touch… and all of a sudden your make believe world is created….

MAKE BELIEVE WORLD

Getting emotionally invested.. and getting your heart entangled with someone you will never know… is not recommended….

Because even though you think it’s All innocent and no real harm is committed…when you are pushed out or pushed aside… to make room for someone new.. it still hurts in the same capacity as it was real…

It’s not innocent then…because you become so hurt… you know it’s harmful to those emotionally involved….

Losing their attention and their interest.. is devastating… and so unbelievably surreal … as much as you know that this relationship was never going to materialize.. the emotional investment makes it so hard to willingly walk away….

Getting used to to connect every day allow it to become unbearable not having this privilege anymore…. you form this remarkably affinity…and even though it’s a waste of energy to get all emotional about something way out of your control…

It does have this effect on you… you automatically have uncertainties… follows by doubts… and fear of losing your best friend..

The question is … do you still exercise explicit trust…continue to share… maintain communication… CHANGE NOTHING… and hopes NOTHING CHANGES…

Hope the the bond you created is strong enough to withstand.. the pressure of someone new.. ..

But how much can your heart takes.. will you able to pretend that it’s all good…and ignore the lack of interest and the lack of attention… while secretly being patient with the hope that it wears off soon and he will come back around to you….???

Give them space.. free them up to enjoy their newfound interest… if he really likes you.. he won’t stop.. he is just a little distracted right now with the splendor of the newness… but not everything that glitters is gold…

And if it is meant to be.. if all those memorable moments are special… they might miss you if you give them the space to do so…

It takes a Patient man to ride a donkey… without trust and understanding.. their is no relationship…

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LIVING IN FANTASY…

WORLDS APART… WHEN TWO WORLDS COLLIDE..

There is a kind of thrill… that comes with intriguement …mixed with a surge of excitement.. when you connect with someone from around the globe…

You get to learn so much.. from their language..to their culture.. their historical facts.. first handed… and then you learn everything there is about that one person you are connecting with…

No matter the platform of communicating.. in the beginning.. it fun to talk and learn… the more you connect the more you know each other as is… you figured out there personality and sometimes you find you have this strong connection…

And if you fall for someone’s personality… then you definitely fall for them.. looks is never important when you like someone for their personality..

But…

What destiny was it that pull you together… and make your world collided…how did you happen to cross paths… that allows such a beautiful connection…

Of course it’s not everyone you meet this way… is going to have this results or affects you in the same way…

But…

On rare occasion someone finds this connection.. and over time . It is proven that words and sharing.. is a powerful magnet… and before you know it.. you are emotionally invested… with someone you don’t even know on a personal level….

And when the heart chooses to get involved… it becomes a huge challenge emotionally…. and here is where the fantasy world begins….

How do you stay logical and practical.. and realistic…

Especially if there is no hope of a real relationship to materialize… yet letting go or walking away is not an option… because just the thought of stopping communication and breaking connection causes excruciating pain.. and you know it would be devastating….

How long is this fantasy gonna last before one of the party losses interest…

We get so caught up living in our fantasy world.. that we begin to believe in it… we tried to hold on to it like a lifeline… so blinded to the true fact of the matter… that none of this is real unless you both decided to make it so..

No relationship can survive in fantasy land… yes two words can collide.. and you experience serendipity…

But ..

Unless you both make it real by Uniting.. be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before this fantasy world collapses. And crumbles…

HEART CRUMBLING

Leaving you with only memories of yesterday… wondering what happened to the love you knew…. a connection based on fantasy will never survived…

That broken heart 💔 is very real though… it comes with intensity…. and you are crushed just the same… your heart doesn’t know distances… the love you feel is real and genuine…

LOST LOVE 💕

So you just have to remain realistic… be practical… and exercise some logics… don’t go expecting the impossible… when it’s way beyond your control…

TRUST AND SHARING…..

BEAUTIFUL SUNSET 🌇

Building a relationship is never easy… when you meet someone… there is a sweet kind of excitement.. and the desire to be with that person is always in its strongest mode…

After the novelty had worn off… and that special sweetness has dissipated.. you have to find reasons and ways to keep the relationship alive..

You are now emotionally invested.. you lost some of the attention.. those with insecurities will tend to feel neglected.. lose their confidence… and start to have all the negative thoughts possible…

But…

What do you do to retain your status.. and not push away the party with all kinds of petty.. childish and immature behaviors…

Two main virtues that is required … in my personal experiences and in my opinions.. is…

Trust and Sharing…

Yes they are lots of other attributes needed…such as… understanding…. patience… self love… confidence…and trusting his love…

It’s pretty hard when it’s a close personal relationship… when life takes over.. it’s hard to adjust when one partner doesn’t have the time for another .. and their time is totally consumed with everything but you….

All the wrong emotions surfaced .. you started to question everything… doubts became a second nature …. you began to fear losing…, fear of rejection… your bubbly personality is replaced with doubts… and distrust..

Some walked away prematurely.. because they fight with their hats…

Some push away and shut out… the other… then build a barrier around themselves….

Those who don’t have the courage.. or can’t find the strength to leave.. stay and bring misery to the relationship.. and no matter how much the other try to persuade them that it’s all good . They refused to believe .. and can not be convinced to change their thoughts…

Eventually…. the relationship can’t withstand the pressure and fall apart…

Then there is the scenario of a long distance relationship… this is where sharing and trust plays a vital and crucial role in the relationship…

It takes a vast amount of trust to make this relationship works … and good communication is the only connection… sharing each other worlds..is all there is…

And everything is perfect as long as there is open communication..

But..

What happened when one partner decided to stop… become evasive… stop having time for the other… they can be seen online.. but they are not connecting with the other…

This is where trust has to be applied with extremity … but how do the affected party deals with this on a personal level…

They are aware that they can’t control what the next do with the distance in between… they have to be practical and somehow logical.. that they are not the only thing in their life….so they have to give room and space to allow them the freedom…

I guess you just have to make up my mind to share them and their attention…. Sometimes… and fully applied your Faith of trust..

they have to learn that there’s so much more to their life than just communicating with them….

You can’t get too selfish.. with them… because all you really have between you.. is sharing and trust…
and you have to trust them explicitly …
And continue to do so .. unconditionally …

You have to give them space to have fun and fully enjoy their other connections..

Yes.. it’s gonna hurt your feelings… and you might feel a surge of jealousy..

But you have to suffer in silence.. pretending you are strong … give them the impression that you truly trust them.. let them think.. what you don’t know won’t hurt you…

Let them have their laugh…

Time will tell… you may have to walk away eventually… but don’t do it too immaturely…

Take time to make sure they have fully lost all interest and it’s just not a case of being too busy. Too tired.. just need some alone time..

Don’t be too hasty and impulsive… you might live to regret your choice… and don’t voice your negative concerns…

Change nothing… Nothing will change…

We do let our minds and thoughts sometimes take control of us … but we need to block out all negative emotions.. especially if they are just circumstantial… and not concrete evidence…

Exercising trust is very vital to any and every relationship…

Sharing is also essential.. because then each will be assured… and build better trust..

The sunset 🌅 from above…

MATTERS OF THE HEART ♥️

A BROKEN HEART 💔

SHATTERED

In all my adult life.. all the connections I have form.. have ended with a broken heart 💔….

Rejection is one emotions… I became familiar with…. I have cried many a tears .. after being crushed by a lover… I have experience excruciating pain… from being rejected..

CRUSHED

Rejection.. brings and conjured up so many negative thoughts … feelings… and emotions… especially when you are totally invested emotionally….

For some reason… I will be the perfect girl.. until I’m face with rejection. I have never learnt how to deal with this one emotion..

My first reaction is is to run.. get away from the person and the source..I get discouraged… I withdraw in a shell… I become timid. Unsure.. I lose my confident composure..

I get scared of losing.. but don’t know how to hold on… I’m always ready to run…. I pull away.. I stop communicating.. afraid of the answers to any questions I may asked….

What do don’t know won’t hurt you..

What the eyes don’t see…. the heart won’t leap…( get hurt 😢)

All my life… I yearned for someone to love me.. just love me unconditionally ..

Okay .. got married three times.. all ended for some reason or another..

Had a few flings in between and after… nothing permanent…after all fails …..

I decided to try online… I mess up here too.. my first time was a big disaster… the second.. third.. ect.. was not better… still come away with a broken heart…

WORLD APART

I found I have a way with words….. i could use my words to persuade any situation… when I started online… I had many admirers who genuinely likes me… because of what I have to say…I guess I didn’t know the power of my words … and what a huge impact they have…I tried to control the connections until my heart decided to step and get involved…

I find it very hard to keep my emotions out of the equation… I easily catch feelings… I’m always so vulnerable… even though it’s not on a personal basis.. it just virtual.. I struggle to maintain a causal connection… at first I thought I was able to do this without becoming emotionally involved… but before long…I prove myself wrong…

I decided I’m no good at this so I gave it up.. before I had completely dissolved my accounts..I had this one guy that I really liked.. and he said he likes me too…

He suggested we switch corresponding platforms and I agreed.. then he asked me to be exclusive to him.. I again agreed…

I was not having much of fun anymore anyways… and I really like this guy… he was not a fake.. he is as real as they come .. and he communicate with me everyday and he always responded to me no matter what…

I love this and the attention it creates..I really believed he likes me… he started to share his world with me.. so much I grew accustomed to talking to him everyday…

Before I know it .. 7 years has passed… nothing has changed.. except.. for some unknown reasons.. my feelings began to escalate… I realized I’m demanding more of him… yet most days He spent talking to as I wake up and reach out to him.. till he goes off to sleep..

He never ignores me… but I find myself doubting him… for no apparent reason….I’m getting so insecure… and me .. I’m so crazy… expecting him to sit on that phone and talk to non stop…

OThere is .. 4500 miles between us…he has a complete life.. he is not lacking in any department..

He has his family.. and he’s very much involved in their lives.. he got his job.. his friends. His hobbies..

And he has me.. and maybe. Others… an online connection… why he choose to continue to talk to me and share his world… I really don’t know..

But.. I’m not even someone to him..

I’m something.. a connection from another continent.. who thinks he’s most perfect man.. who value all his suggestions.. lessons.. listen intently to his stories and believe every word he said without query… who gets involved in his hobbies… I’m his biggest fan..

I’m not a permanent fix in his life.. I’m not essential to him. I don’t add anything to his life.. he already has it all..

So if I’m not there anymore.. it will never affect him… he can easily cut ties without a second thought…

And this is what hurts so bad… to know he doesn’t need me…

on the flip-side. There stands me..

I’m single… kids grown.. retired ..not much friends.. zero hobbies… so I look to him for entertainment.. I Cling to him for emotional support…. I need him to brighten my day…to give me something to look forward to…. I crave his attention.. I get so involved in his world and his hobbies just so I can stay connected to him….

So now I’m left to step way back and suppressed all this romantic emotions that I choose to develop .. creating the emotional havoc on my heart…. I need to back off and drop it all if I want to continue connecting with him…

Because he’s practical enough to know that this is just friendship. It can not be anything else so why start something that could never materialized….

Yess .. I’m overreacting.. I’m overthinking.. I’m crossing all kinds of unnecessary lines…

He spent hours on the phone with me.. and I’m so selfish that I doubt him or thinks he is ignoring me.. when he is not online… as if he has no life outside me or his phone..

I’m just fortunate that he loves his phone so much… he like addicted.. and so to be honest.. I abuse this… but I have to learn to give him space..

Yes my heart is breaking.. but I’m the one who is solely responsible this time…

LOST LOVE 💕

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LOVING 🥰 FROM AFAR…

TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING….

LOST LOVE 💕

I know three minutes is long but please watch and give me your honest review…

  • Stupid
  • Immature
  • Obsessive
  • Foolish love
  • Overreacting
  • Mushy
  • Plain crazy

I’m very open to criticism.. you won’t offend me…

MY LOVE 💕 LOVE ❤️: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 8

LOVE 💕 ME: LOVE 💗 ME NOT

I remain in a very good mood for a few days… after our last sexual escapade … I had mixed emotions about us.. .

I know that our relationship is restricted to being causal.. but my heart got so entangled emotionally that I was silently hoping that he likes me more than just.. “ Friends With Benefits….”

My mind was consumed with thoughts of him…. I find myself thinking of nothing else but him. After that incredible loving from him I yearned for the next time…I was becoming insatiable with the wants of him… I realized that everytime I get the pleasure of his company.. I become so more obsessed and infatuated 🥰 with him….

The weeks went by with no connection from him.. I was a little disappointed as usual but I now know not to expect much… it’s always on his term…I did not try to communicate either.. so after two weeks I tried.. but got back no response….

I woke up one morning with a episode of a panic attack.. of course I immediately associate it with him… I was tempted to call him just to check up on him… but my fear of rejection made me decided not to… this went on for two days…and my overactive mind made it worst..

I started to play all kinds of negative scenarios in my mind .. to the point of believing them to be true…

Then to my greatest pleasure. And relieve….I received a text message from him..

“ what up…??? How have you been..??!!!”

I immediately answer without much hesitation… we spoke about him and this barber course he was supposedly doing .. trying to acquire a license….

I asked him if he’s In school and he let me know that he was off that day… we talked for another minutes or so.. I wanted to ask him to see me.. but somehow I could not conjured up the courage…

I was still very happy that he got in touch with me.. my fear of rejection was so high that I Was afraid to approach the subject of us.. I was so afraid of his negative response that I rather not say anything.. even though it was killing me to ask…

It leaves a smile on my face to hear from him.. and I was there smiling and trying to think up an excuse to call him back… when.. he calls me .. I was beaming…

I love to stay connected to him… I know we can never be anything else than what we have now… and I hope it’s enough to constitute a lasting friendship… I have come to terms with us just being friendly with benefits … whenever the need arises for him..I was feeling really good about him trying to communicate with me… I was hoping it means that he’s realizing that I’m a friend worth keeping… we have spent enough intimate times together … to give him valid reasons to like me after all.

I picked up the phone and sweetly answered.. hey mylovelove….. I was smiling so happily to hear from him for the second time that day…

The smile was quickly knocked off my face… and my mood rapidly changed when he spoke..

“need a favor: I need $250 to put insurance on my car. If u can’t its ok. I got a lot going on and my money going fast.”

Ooooh maan…. wtf???? is he for real? He is asking for money .. and more money this time… I laughed out loud… I ask him, ” and when do you did need this? He replied, “by Friday or I got to turn my tag in.”

I was shaking my head in disbelief..not fully beleiving his story… so nothing has really changed.. he was just working his way around to hit me up for his financial needs… I told him to call me back at a later date. Let me check my budget…

I took the time to figure out if I really want to .. because I now realize the pattern.. he is using me. . And he’s lying to me about his real reasons for needing the money…and I wasn’t sure I wanted to oblige this time..

After debating with myself.. I decided to go ahead and give it to him.. knowing it’s one way to get to see him and get me some good loving… he was using me to finance him so I’m going play my game of tit for tat again… I will use his needs to get mine.. giving him the money will lure him into my bed and my arms… kitty was agreeing with my choice… getting all excited in anticipation.. I was visualizing having him loving me …. giving me great satisfaction and leaving me sexual gratified…

After I fully decided this is how I’m going to play it… I texted him to let him know that I have decided to give it to him…

I also went ahead and tell him it’s because I know he needs his car to get around. But reminded him that I need the return on my investment….

He says, “yea, I do thanks, I got the kids this week I can come by when I drop them off tomorrow.” And don’t worry.. I got you covered….

I told him that’s just fine….

The next morning bright and early he text me, “wassup I be over there once I drop the kids off, u up?

I acknowledged his text message to let him know I was up and it was okay for him to come by….

I really had a doctor appointment that morning.. I simply forget.. so I was getting ready to go…

It didn’t take him very long to get here… I let him in… ask him if he wanted some breakfast.. he said yes.. so I fixed him breakfast…

As I sat there watching him eat.. and being so close to him.. the sexual energy got very strong.. and I find myself not able to resist touching him…

He finished eating and as a good hostess I took the dishes to the kitchen… when I came back in.. he was sitting on the bed looking on his phone…

I went straight to him.. and place myself between his legs as I hugged him .. he willingly returned my hug….his face was directly between my breast.. and he started to nibble a little on them using his lips to tease my nipples…

His hand was caressing my butt cheeks… I bent over and find those tasty lips… and we kissed ever so passionately that I was softly uttering sounds of pleasure from enjoying his kisses…

I gently pushed him back onto the bed and he easily fell back….it seems that I always find my way on top… I slid down his torso.. to get access to his shirt so I could have my feast of his beautiful and chiseled chest….

Of course as usual he just lie there with his eyes closed wearing that face of pure pleasure…. I love on that chest in a frenzied mode…I keep working my way down to the prize… and he hurriedly… pull his pants down over his hips..

I took him in my mouth and suck on him in the same frenzied manner… I was going faster than my usual pace.. and he seems to be thoroughly enjoying it.. I was making slobbering sounds from the excess saliva that was secreted with my rapid pace…

…. kitty was begging to be petted.. and wildly twitching with extreme needs… she was losing control … so to give her what she was needing…

I stopped got out of my undies turned around and sit on him doggie style… kitty was so happy for the attention…. she clenches him in delight…I was slightly on my tippy toes as I started to ride him .. I had both hand on his thighs .. for balance and moving up and down his rock hard man meat…he placed his hand on my hips and each time I come down he would pull me in hard and hold me still for a few seconds as he grind into me..

His actions created a great friction for kitty.. I could feel her climbing closer to climaxing..

It didn’t take her long to explode like dynamite … follow closely by him…don’t know how it did it so fast and so perfect.. but he got me on my knees and finished emptying all his spunk in me…

He continued to hump me until he became too limp to continue..

Kitty was was very pleased with his choice.. because it allow her to reach another sweet climax of ecstasy…which leaves me jerking involuntary… my whole body was affected by the intense orgasm kitty experience…

I was soaked and dripping all over.. it was on the bed running down my legs.. I had no choice but to get up and headed for the shower a second time that morning…

He decided to join me.. and he made attempts .. implying… his needs for a second round.. I was very tempted to give in to his desires..but I had to get going if I was going to make that doctors appointment…. so strange that I was the one that had to get going..

I was very pleased and very happily satisfied that giving him the money was easy… I didn’t think twice about it because I got what I wanted.. and at that moment I would have given him anything he wanted..

He left me with the usual hug and kiss.. thanking me again… and with no reassurance of tomorrow … but I stopped expecting.. stop hoping.. .. I’m just gonna take him..whenever he decided that he wants to see me..

I was too much in a good mood to even feel bad for me…

I wear a smile all the way to the doctor. I had a most grandeur rendezvous with MYLOVELOVE.. kitty started twitching and getting all moist at the thought… and I smile thinking my gynecologist is gonna see kitty in her on mode…

I was glad I made the choice I did… I got exactly what I needed… I decided just to savor the moment and bask in the glory of my short lived happiness..

***********************+++++++************

TO BE CONTINUED…

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY AND PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 7c

REQUITAL LOVE 💕

I didn’t heard from him all week. I was thinking all kind of negative thoughts. I thought no call… no text. No surprise here… He got the money and some loving, so I’m all forgotten.

With No communication I sarcastically Guess he’s too busy to think of me. I pay big for the lesson .. you can’t buy friendship…I Still means nothing to him, not even as friends. All that speech I gave him about keeping me close only last as long as it takes to get the funds he was after…

By the end of the week I gave up hearing from him…Still nothing from him.. he went silent again… So much for our deal, I thought..I’m the only one that wants friendship so badly that I have to pay for it.

I asked myself…Why do I feel that it is so important to be his friend that I had to pay down on it? Well! It’s obvious that he is not interested in being friends.. The only time he really stop to think of me is when he needs a cash cow… someone to use for his financial needs….

It does still bothers me that to know that he can come and love me like he does and then just walk away without a second thought…. how can a man be that cold that he can separate his feelings from intimacy…

His kisses and his loving tells me some thing completely different ..he gives me his all without reservations…

But.. it’s all a act… and I’m left confused and trying to console myself.. trying to find any little reason to convince myself that he likes me even a little bit….

It didn’t take me too long to resume back to the attitude of letting go… I developed the attitude of “whatever”… It’s been going on so long repeatedly that I kinda got used to his behaviour… I decided to carry on as is and wait until he decided to come looking for me…

I didn’t try to contact or reach out to him like I used to do.. I now know that this is his game… and he will just ignored my text messages.. and I’m tired of feeling rejected by him….

Occasionally when I get up to get ready for work I would send a goodnight text messages.. sometimes I would receive a short response ..and I would smile… but I never tried to start a conversation.. and he never offers…

After a couple weeks have passed.. I began to feel for the need of him.. I was itching for some of his loving and I secretly hope to hear from him… I was more than tempted a few times to reach out as I did in the past.. but I resisted..

I would just indulge in some self love.. while I visualized him making love to me.. and surprisingly it would ease and my pent up raging desires..

Just the thought of him and the memories of our sexual encounters would always heightened my whole body with a deep burning desire that leaves me so stimulated that I couldn’t resist but give kitty some petting to stop her from twitching and pulsating with the wants of him….

To my pleasure and delight.. a couple weeks later…I received a text messages asking me if I had work that night … I responded .. letting him know I did … it was kinda late … just a couple hrs before I had to get up…so him coming by would not be … so when he asked if he can come by.. I simply told him I have to get some sleep for work…

He did not mention any need for money.. and I was puzzled that he wants to come by… just because….I was a little disappointed that I had work…. so much I thought of calling in sick… but I refuse to allow myself to always be at his disposal…

All night I thought of him.. though…my mind and heart and kitty was at war…. and at times I wished I had called off and have him over.. so we could a repeat another night of passion… I had the chance but I blew it…. I knew there might not be another chance again…

I went home next day still with the feeling of regret that I didn’t grab the opportunity to enjoy him one more time… but…he again surprised me with a phone call that day… letting me know that that he was in studio and he was just thinking of me .. he asked how I was doing.. I apologize for the previous night.. and he assured me it was all good … and he will get me next time…

I smiled.. and chuckles a little… I told him I would love that and ask him not to wait too long…. he giggled in humor and promised me that he won’t…

We ended our conversation .. I was left with a very warm feeling that travels to some really interesting places…. I was smiling and hoping that he lived up to his promise.. I again realized that he didn’t asked for any financial assistance… and this pleases me..

Hmm .. could it be that he just wanted to see for sexual favors… is he really wanting me sexually.. without me suggesting it….I laughed out loudly… thinking.. yess … yess.. yesss. He likes me…

The following day I was off and I sit there with sweet thoughts him playing in my mind .. making my heart do somersaults… which sent electrical jolts to travel downwards and stop right between my thighs.. that sent shivers down my spine.. causing kitty to get all excited …

Now with kitty affected .. I was losing control.. so I decided to send him a text with the hopes to convince to come on over and make kitty happy…. I live to please her….

He answers.. I asked him if he okay.. trying to lead up to the point of requesting his presence… but he saved me the effort by asking me if I had work that night… I quickly told him I’m off.. and to my greatest pleasure he invited himself over… without hesitation I excitedly asked him how soon can he get here…

He quickly said.. “ I’m on my way “…

Of course I was overjoyed. And I quickly went took me a shower.. put on my best and sexist negligée… I splashed some nice smelling perfume on.. put on a little lip gloss…. I was just getting my bed all neat and nice when he rang my doorbell….

I went to let him in.. and as soon as I open the door I let out a most joyful squeal and jumped up on him with legs wrapped around his waist and flung my arms around his neck … it took him by surprise that he slightly stumbled and had to step quickly backwards to regain his balance…

I was kissing his face and just hugging him tightly… he jokingly said… easy tigress, let me get inside first.. he walked in closed the door.. with me still clinging to him… he slowly ease me down to the floor.. took my hand in his and ushered me along.. saying ,

“ come on my little vixen….” I giggled 🤭.. and said.. I’m all kinds of exotic animal tonight, eh????!!!He looks down on me.. smiling.. and pulled me to him and whispered in my ear as as kissed my neck..” uhhuh…

I just melt into his arms.. throw my head backwards. Giving him all access to lay his sweet kisses…he gently ease me onto the bed… and I found his lips with mine and kissed him ever fervently . He matches my zealousness… he rolled me over to straddle him as he lay on his back…

I pulled his shirt over his head.. and as he allowed me to he whispered softly.. in his sexy husky voice…love me hun…

I smile at him kiss him again on those voluptuous lips.. he kissed me very intensely as he held the back of my head, running his hand occasionally through my hair as he let out soft moans…

I moved down to his neck …., loving on him as he urges me to….sliding my body to align with his.. as I kissed his neck I gravitate my hips against his hard throbbing bulge… I slid in an up and down motion on that bulge.. as he reached down to caress my buttocks…

It was straining against his pants… so he started to undo his belt.. I slid off the bed.. as he kicked off his shoes… and I helped him out of his pants… I decided to stay where I am .. I kneel on the floor between his legs .. took him in my hand.. as I licked at it slowly.. running my tongue all the way to the shaft and back upward to find the tip again… I used the flat of my tongue to slid a few more times up and down…

He one hand on my shoulder and the next on top of my head… as he was reciting his favorite words of pleasure… shiit .. shitt.. shitt.. ooh yes . Yess . That s it baby…

Next thing I know I was on the bed . As he position me on my knees… he made one fast and hard move and he was inside my dripping soaking wet kitty…,

he pounded me fiercely bringing me to the heights of ecstasy as he pumped me full of his hott spunk… I was flat on my tummy then… with him on my back.. both of us drenched in each other sweat… as we catch our laboring breath….

I jokingly said to him.. “ my lovelove.. that was most invigorating…“

He just responded with a “ yup “…. sounding very proud indeed..

We lay there for few more minutes until we regain normal breathing.. kitty was still twitching a little .. he moved off me and lie on his back.. I turned around and took his hard , move his fingers to touch kitty.. hoping for him to bring her again to an orgasm….

He moved his hand away ever so swiftly.. and said.. “eww…” I laugh and ask him what’s wrong..

He had this look of disgust on his face as he said..

“ hun… that’s sperm.. go get cleaned up…”.. I started to laugh out really hard… as I said to him . It’s your sperm silly… I swiped a little from my legs and teasingly ask him if he wants a taste.. .

His reaction was so humorous… he got up quickly.. pulling me towards the bathroom as I was dying with laughter.. he turned on the shower and said.. “ wash yourself off..”

I couldn’t stop laughing.. I was so tickled…

I came out wrapped in towel.. and saw him smoking a cigarette… looking very relaxed… I sat down beside him.. gently rubbing his beautiful chest with my hand.. I said to him,,

All cleaned”… as I bent to place a few kisses on that irresistible chest… he looked at me and just flashed me a smile… then he did something that really made me blush… he gently touched my cheek .. and softly caress it with the back of his fingers…. I leaned my head onto those fingers.. close my eyes enjoying his touch… I then feel him cup my face with both hand pulling me towards him as he rises his face to meet mine…

He gently kisses me and softly whisperers…

“ I needed that so much… thank you !!!”

I eagerly return his kisses …smile and hugged him to me and he returned my hug with a squeeze …

I was very happy to be with him sharing this tender moment….While he is here with me nothing else or nobody else matters. I savor and enjoy him as much as I can.

Sometimes I can’t believe how much joy I derived from this one guy….

He stayed for most of the night… we made Love again.. and I fell asleep in the crook of his arms.. I woke up cradled by him in a spooning position…

I turn around and wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest as I inhaled his scent and relished his warmth….I woke him up… with my movements and he returned my hug as he apologetically said he has to go..

I reluctantly let him go.. he got up .. got dressed.. as I watched him .. and begging him to stay the rest of night…

He bent over kiss me.. and said he can’t.. I got up and walked him to the door… there he gives me a huge hug , kisses me ever so sweetly.. let me go and whispered.. see you soon…

I watched him drive away.. and I smile with pleasure.. I was beaming with joy.. MYLOVELOVE Came.. stayed a little..loves me a lot… I was again totally in love … and very gratifyingly fulfilled…

*********************+*++++**********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LOVING 🥰 FROM AFAR….part 2…

ON A RAINY SITE….

So my fears and my insecurities were valid….I struggled so much with myself about confronting him about my doubts and my suspicions… and now I’m left wishing I did .. me trying to stay logical and calm .. not wanting to create any negativity…

In my head I was thinking it’s not worth losing this connection with him… I’ll continue conversing normally… I even asked him.. “ baby… please don’t stop loving 🥰 me!!!????”

He replied.. “ I will not baby…!!!”

I thank him for his reassurance and briefly let him know the fears I have been having of losing him and his love….

How I’m wishing I had address my fears at least I would have known why…..no matter how broken hearted it would have left me…

Because…

Yesterday I told him good night. And I leave him alone to sleep… come midnight when it is his morning.. I noticed he’s not online as usual… so I figured he called off work since he hurt his thumb yesterday…

Busted his thumb..

So I decided to wait a couple hours or so to write to him thinking he’s still asleep…

I was still up at 2 am… 9 his time.. and although I still didn’t see his presence online.. I thought I would send him a message before I dozed off…

And to my horror… I realize that my message was not being delivered…so I checked into it.. while becoming frantic with fear that I actually lost him for real…

The next couple of hours I was filled with anxiety.. and a dreadful sense of lost.. my heart was racing and felt like it was wrenched out….knowing I have no way of connecting to him…. I started to panic.. so much that I had to talk myself out of it…

I keep asking myself.. how can he be so mean to me.. why couldn’t he just let me know he lost his desire to stay connected… yes I would be crushed.. to the point of devastation.. but at least I would get to say goodbye ….. I tried to sleep.. but couldn’t.. each time I close my eyes I developed a panic attack… I was up all night.. didn’t exactly know what to do..

I called him straight it went to voice mail. I called him on discord.. I called him .. however fruitless it was… on WhatsApp… I was a complete mess…

I tried to stay calm .. and not going into a frenzy .. my whole world was unraveling… my heart was smashed… I love that man.. I grow so in love with him.. and now I’m gonna lose him… I was so sure…we would never say goodbye….

7 years… talking everyday…. how am I going to get past it.?????

At about 9 am I got a text message from him.. letting me know that he left his phone at home.. I did not reply immediately…

I went on a couple of hours later.. and type his name… his response was so harsh???

“ what??!!!

How could I text you when I didn’t have my phone…”

I was tempted to tell him I know that he actually blocked me….. and I wanna comment on his very angry 😤 attitude… but why add fuel to the flames… so I simply told him that I do understand …meaning… that he left his phone at home….

He was off somewhere.. not responding.. I kinda figured that he’s using a different app to communicate with his new flame… so I continue to write…

But maaan..
I was really beside myself.
I really thought you blocked my number”…..

“Baby..
Would you like to stop connecting with me.???!!!..” I asked…

“Tell me honestly if you lost all joy with me…
Would you rather me not communicating so much..

Talk to me baby…
I will understand

We have been together for 6 to 7 years now .
And maybe you no longer see my friendship as needed anymore…

I would very devastatingly crushed but I will understand..

I know you may also have found someone new and much more exciting to communicate with online…

All I’m asking is for you to tell me..

I never wanted to lose you and your friendship.. you are become such an important part of my world..
But I may not be able to give you all the pleasures you need from this connection….

Please talk with me.. because I have noticed how distant you are of late and I felt you drifting away.. and I feel like I’m being a nuisance sometimes….

So please , please baby.. talk to me..

This is all we have between us…”

He came back on half an hour later… and said.. “ you are not…. stop being crazy…”.

He was so evasive .. he didn’t even comment on anything I said…. he purposely avoided it all.. so I just played his game…. and reply quite coyly …

“Okay 👌 baby enough said.. It’s just so many things and thoughts went through my mind this morning.. moving forward…”

He responded with great lack of interest….”💋💋💋”

Those kisses always means that he’s really too busy with something else to be bothered…

I went on to ask about his sore thumb…. it is as if it hurts him to talk to me…

One word.. hurts…he sent e pic of his site… of course it’s the one he took for her…to show her while he communicate at work… she’s getting all my attention that was mine just last week….

I made a couple comments in reference to it… and his response was so evasive.. “ yup”..

SPICY CHICKEN WITH CREAM SPINACH….

He then sent me pics of what he was cooking… and I just played along pretending that everything is the same .. he sent the duration of his preparation with me.. and kept communicating until he finished his last bite…

HIS LAST BITE…

I made a statement that he must be so full and that he needs to fully relaxed because it’s well deserved….. and that was it… he left WhatsApp and never came back on..

About four o’clock.. I sent a goodnight text just to see if he blocked me again or not… I was not… but I know it was just too early for him to sleep.. so I know exactly where he was…

I was hurting so much. So I called everyone that was available to talk with me just so to distract my disturbing thoughts… I could feel the tears threatening to overflow.. but I refuse to give in to them…

He was never mine to have…although I was so enjoying our connection….he’s so cold to me now..I tell myself… I should walk away… but Im going to patiently give me a week or so to figure out my next move…. hopefully by then.. my heart will learn to accept my loss… and hopefully grows a callus…

Gonna miss the color he brought into my life .. but most of all I’ll miss my friend… we are never promised one more day or night…remember baby.. there will never be another you.. another me… another life for us to see…. to give each other all we did…time goes by so fast.. I want to make each moment last…. I wanted to hold on to you.. and show you all that our love 💕 could be…. I can’t and won’t let go so easily… THERE WILL NEVER BE…ANOTHER YOU…ANOTHER ME…

https://music.apple.com/us/album/i-miss-my-friend/1443644667?i=3447056

My heart is breaking.. the tears is unstoppable….

I’m trying so hard to be understanding… trying so hard to hold onto him… but as usual I never learn how to deal with rejection…all of a sudden I’m shy… so afraid of the answers I might get if asked…

I’m trying to give him space… trying to be patience.. but I’m so fearful of the outcome that’s awaiting me…

*********+************++++********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: Loving 🥰 From Afar…

BABY…!!!!

Two people cross paths..from two different continent… form a connection.. became friends.. share each other worlds… is it possible this Bond can developed to affect the heart….

I have an emotional affair with such a person… and we have been corresponding for the better part of six years… we talked everyday.. and I looked forward to our conversations…

There is a time difference of 5-6 hours between us … but no matter how busy he is … he always takes the time to respond to me… acknowledging my text messages…

We communicate mostly via text.. and occasionally a video call … he shared his whole world with me.. and try to involved me in his daily life…

Over the years.. I grew more and more attached to him…. and I find that my heart knows no boundaries… there is 4500 miles between us… and although sometimes I want so much to be able to touch him… I find that I can feel his presence just by having him talk to me…

I do admire him for so many reasons.. he always find something to occupy his time.. he’s very resourceful.. very handy.. especially around his house..

He’s generous.. giving.. caring and loving… he has a family.. a wife with two boys … and they all know of me…

He loves to cook.. and he often shares his menu in steps.. he loves music.. and also love to sing along… which he also shares with me..he coaches his sons soccer teams and is very involved…

He goes fishing with friends.. play video games… he is never idle.. and I love him for his versatility… he’s a jack of all trades.. he works in steel construction… and he never misses a day…

He collects swords.. and cars… he loves to take his family to adventurous venues… he a very passionate man… he loves his family… and he says he loves me…which makes my heart sings.. and put a huge smile on my face…

We have been connecting for almost 7 years..and up to this point I was enjoying the daily connection.. and I was so happy 😁 to have someone to talk to…

He included me in his online games.. connect me with most of his buddies on a chat group… and I thought he was just trying to involve me more into his life…

I was basking in the glory of feeling loved and having someone liking my presence…

And out the blues.. I find my feelings escalating… and then my mind started this whirlwind of negativity…

I started to doubt his attention… yes he still acknowledges my text messages…but keeps it limited…he’s distant… he doesn’t talk to me as much…

I’m becoming insecure… suspicious 😒.. jealous… I started to feel unattractive.. ugly… unworthy…

This guy has not given me any necessary reasons to doubt him.. but my heart is telling me that he has found another interest online…and this thought is screaming in my head…so much.. I’m becoming paranoid and anxious…

If I see him online… I tell myself that he is talking to someone else.

But..

Don’t I have a lot of people talking to .. too.. and it’s all innocent… why can’t it be the same with him.???? Why am I allowing myself to create this imaginary rivalry…

I don’t act on my thoughts though.. because I think I’m just being silly .. he is much too far off to be worried about his actions….

He got his life.. and although he chooses to make me apart of his world.. I have no control over him..

I do love him.. and as I have stated.. my emotions have escalated to a higher level.. which is proving very unhealthy…. I’m demanding more of his time… I’m stalking his chat page…I’m becoming more upset to the point of tears…

I’m feeling rejected.. I don’t think he loves me anymore…I think he’s bored 😐 with me… his conversations has become a one syllable word…

He always seems so preoccupied.. I feel like I’m always disrupting him or disturbing him .. he longer shows no interest in what I have to say…of late he seems very distant.. and very evasive..

I tried to be logical and practical .. try to be self analytical… try to be reasonable…

He’s too far away for me to be having these feelings.. and allowing them to affect me to such degree… I try to suppress these negative emotions and brush them away..

I’m behaving as if I can control him and who he chooses to connect with…

I really fear losing his friendship and this bond that we have form.. but I have a strong feeling that it’s coming to an end… and it’s breaking my heart….

The fear of losing him.. is the worst… I know in all practicality I have no choice in this matter… and I refuse to become one of those obsessive connections…. he does still talk to me and every midnight.. his mornings he would always make me know he’s up.. I look forward to his text every night.. but the last two nights.. nothing…

And my overly active negative imagination.. is telling me it’s because he has someone else talking to…

Why am I creating this negative attitude..??? Why am I after all these years.. allowing myself to reach this point…so I’m continuing to connect with him on the same level without revealing my insecurities and my jealousies….

I do realize that I have to back off with my overwhelmed emotions… let him have his fun with his new playmate… I’m just stale right now.. no more joy in me… I have used up my usefulness and longer hold his interest…

How long did I think it would last… it lasted much longer than expected… I shouldn’t forget how I met him.. he was looking for some fun with someone online and I cannot provide this anymore…

We have shared so much over the past years.. how am I going to get past him if he decided to leave… he so much a part of my existence…. I looked forward to connect with him every day…

But I can understand him drifting away.. I don’t have much to offer anymore.. and he stop suggesting or asking…. I can’t compete with anyone else…. I’m too old… he is my only one that is left…

Funniest thing.. I just come across this perfect quote..

“CHANGE NOTHING…. NOTHING WILL CHANGE “….

How ironic is that??… if I don’t rock this boat with my negativity and my insecurities… we will just keep sailing until we get there… I have been on this path for.. six years… what is so different..

And so what if he found someone else to divulge himself in…

I’m not seeing.. and what the eyes don’t see .. the heart won’t leap… he still acknowledges me.. he still answers me.. he is not ignoring me..

He is giving me the same amount of attention.. I’m only demanding more.. and it makes it seem like he is short changing me…

Aaah 😌…

My sweet love 💕….

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 7b

IF YOU LOVE 💗 SOMETHING LET IT GO… if IT COMES BACK IT IS YOURS…

A few weeks later… I was at work at Walgreens.. apx.. 12:30am … I received a phone call from.. “ MYLOVELOVE”…. I was not expecting to ever hear from him again and I had let go of the thought of him altogether…

But…

Strangely I found I was a little excited to receive this call.. I answered… “ hello??!!”

He started off the conversation by apologizing for not getting in touch with me sooner with the excuse .. that he was super busy .. he went ahead trying to explain everything that he was into… I just listen.. didn’t exactly know what to say… I was kinda speechless..

My manager motion me to get off the phone and get back to work.. so I told him I couldn’t talk because I was busy at work.. and ask him exactly why did he call me…???

I was hoping to hear him say he misses me or he was just thinking of me .. but to my utter disappointment.. he let me know that he needs $200 ..

I quickly told him Don’t have $200 to give.. but if he calls me the next day when I’m off.. we can talk some more if he wants… I hung up feeling really sad.. I was feeling so pleased to hear from him… and I wanted so to believe he misses me some …for him to reach out to me…

His reason for getting in touch after so many weeks of silence… was only for monetary reasons… I thought about him all night.. hurt because of his true reason for reconnecting…. but smiling because I heard from him..

His voice started a reaction of feelings to emerge… and I find myself reminiscing about him and our times spent together in a romantic way… my emotions began to resurfaced.. I still wanted him.. I shuddered with the thought… as I visualized and fantasize about him sexually…

My stimulating thoughts.. sent a ripple of emotions through my whole being.. my adrenaline started to flow releasing endorphins to regions of my loins… leaving me very moist and dripping… with the wants of him …

I was left wishing he call me next day as I asked. Because I wanted him so badly that I think I will use his financial needs once again to get him into my bed… I was yearning for his touch…

I did not expect to hear from him that next day.. but again to my pleasure he surprises me with a follow up call… he again began by telling me how much he is in need of that money and how much he would appreciate my help…

I just shake my head.. sigh 😔!!! To know all he needs from me is my money.. but I’m going play my game of tit for tat… I told him I will give him the money but he will have to wait one week.. and he will have to promise to give me a little of his time…

I thought he would ask me what I meant by that demand.. but he understood exactly what I was demanding from him and he agreed… I did not hear from him all that week.. and I just figured that was it….

I wasn’t in the least surprised and I just brushed it off… hearing from him after six weeks of silence.. triggered off my buried emotions…My feelings have not changed much.. and I found myself getting all excited just talking to him… I still want him and I had anticipated and hoped…he would have stayed in touch…

By the end the week I had fully given up on rekindling any kind of romance with him… I’m only a cash cow to him right now…

I thought I would not be hearing from him again.. but he was more determined and persistent than I have thought… he contacted me again that weekend with his bullshit… about being very busy and exhausted.. and in the same breath asking me if I’m able to assist with the money he requested…

I smile .. and I gave him a little lecture about how he has been treating me.. and told him I would like for him to keep me closer and don’t lose contact with me…. he wasn’t very convincing in his answer.. he said just.. “ yea yea.. I will try.” Very nonchalantly without any conviction..

He again asked me,” so can you help me out.?” I told him yes.. but he again will have to wait another week… I really just wanted to string him along to see exactly how far he was willing to go with this …

I heard from him everyday the following week… and it pleases me to see that he was at trying to keep his end of our bargain…

Come Friday though he didn’t fail to once again remind of my promise and asked if I will be able to fulfill it.. I felt he earned it by his diligence of keeping contact all week… so I told him to come get it that next day….

I had to work .. and he texted me to find out if I was available for him to come by.. I didn’t get that text until I was on break.. he had tried a couple more times .. I guess he thought I was ignoring him.. so he wrote one last time.. saying..

“So now you don’t want to text me back???.”

I was amused with his attitude… he thought I was blowing him off and trying to get out of giving him the money I promised…. I decided not to answer him until I get home.. I wanted him to stew for a bit..

When I got home that evening I sent him a text letting him know I was at work but I’m home now.. so if he so anxiously wants the money he can come over to get it..

He response was quick.. but he informed me that he doesn’t have a ride to come by… but he really needs that $200… I asked him to let me know when he will be able to… and he in turn said.. “ he’s working on it..

I heard from him on Sunday 4:34 pm… “what u doing 2nit?” I was getting ready to get my nap … because I had work that night…

I was happy to hear from him and I was in a playful mood and so I replied, “Thinking of doing you.. “

He sent a LOL… and said that he is on his way.

So I decided to take an early shower just in case I got lucky…. I was a little excited to see him.. and I find myself anxious awaiting his arrival…

When he finally arrived.. I open the door with the brightest smile… I greeted him a shy hello.. and even though I wanted so much to hug him I resist the urge and invited him in..

He followed me as I leaded the way to my bedroom…

I know he really came for the money but just to see him and having him this close after six long weeks I would give him anything.

All my attempts to forget him.. all my promises to let go of him… all the feelings I have pushed aside and suppressed… were no longer in effect..

Just the sight of him… just having him here with me.. it’s like the last six weeks never happened… and all that matters is this burning sweet sensation that fill me with raging desires that causing great havoc to my thoughts and body..

I sat beside him on my bed… he was talking.. but I didn’t hear anything he was saying… my hands were trembling with this strong compulsion to touch him… but I was afraid he no longer find me sexually appealing…

I wanted so much to kiss him and love on him but I hesitated because I was not too sure he wanted that, but he seems to sense my desire because he started to kiss me and oh boy I will never forget the way he kiss me that night. It was with a great urgency, deep and ever so passionate. I felt like he actually misses me. I was back in love all over again. we fell back onto the bed and I slowly ease off his shirt and got my hearts desire… i was loving and devouring that beautiful chest of his.

He lie there and allowed me to… As I got lost in loving him…as my desires rises sending a jolt of this sweet sensational emotions that rushes through my being heightening my every senses….

I was in a different world. He took me to heights and places I have never been before..He loves me that night like never before and he hugs me so tightly. He came back and rocks my world…

He stayed with me until I was ready to go to work .. I didn’t sleep a wink. But I was so energized.. his most passionate lovemaking left me On a high… I was feeling like he likes me.

My heart was back again on a roller coaster .And with all this affection that he gives me; I was still doubtful and unsure of him..I know I can never hold on to him or command his attention more than just a moment…

He may disappear until he needs financial help again…

I got ready…gave him the $200.00. He drops me at work leaves me with a chups.. I was smiling all night so full of joy. My heart was singing…MYLOVE-LOVE came back to see me and gives me some good, good loving…

and although he had ulterior motives and his monetary needs was the main reason…

that loving he gave me was worth every penny (the money )… I may have paid him to … but I definitely got my money’s worth…

********************++++++++*********

TOBE CONTINUED……

FOR THE LOVE 💕 OF A FRIEND:

FAMILIES DON’T HAVE TO BE BLOOD RELATED….

https://www.gofundme.com/f/24pvza38pc?sharetype=teams&member=5683402&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&rcid=104191546074448e904da4b99959f4df

I’m running a GoFundMe campaign for a friend who is in desperate need….

I feel very compassionate towards this friend and would love to be of help… since I can’t afford to on my own..

I thought I would try this platform for helping me help him…

Please click on the site and read his story… and hopefully you will empathized with his situation. Too….

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 7

A STORY OF PLAYING THE COUGAR WITH A VERY UNEXPECTED TURN… ##########################################

I WILL LOVE YOU 😍 ALWAYS…..

I went through the next few weeks like a zombie. Missing MYLOVE-LOVE. Work hold no appeal and no joy for me anymore… my days were empty..I didn’t realize until then just how much him being there daily hugely impacted my attitude…

There was no sunshine … everything seems dim… I went though my emotions quietly… I would be in a daze sometimes looking off in space visualizing him being there.. reflecting on the last months .. remembering how my eyes could find him anywhere he was.. and how my heart would flutter at the sight of him… putting a bright smile on my face which leaves me gleaming with joy…

These last weeks has been long as I suffer in silence… he was a main subject of conversation.. everyone has something to say about him .. I would mostly just listen… I found out that he has been talking to Veronica.. she even boastingly said that she was the first person he called.. he seems to have spoken to everyone else too….

I was so crushed to know that he didn’t value me enough to even answer my text messages .. he doesn’t even acknowledge me… and I question this…why have he shut me out..??? Why am I Not important enough to him????.. Why was it ok to talk to everyone else and not me? After all the times we spent together and the intimate moments we shared.. I thought we were close enough fo me to deserve some acknowledgement….I thought we were at least friends…

It hurts to be ignored…

I received a small text from the second week… “what’s up stranger???!!”.. ..

I was so delighted to see that text from him.. I sent him a reply asking him if he’s okay.. and inquire what’s been going on with him… but to my great disappointment he never continued the conversation…

I started to come with terms that I’m never going to see him again… I was still missing him something awful… and although I felt I wasn’t ready to let him go.. I decided to accept my fate…. it saddens me to know that I meant zero to him.. and all those nights spent together in the most intimate ways….meant absolutely nothing…

His oldest daughter had an up coming birthday and I had purchased some little Knicknacks for her… I thought … I still would love to get them to her…

I tried to contact him to let him know and asked him via text messages… to come and get them… he did not respond immediately but I got a text from him later on …letting me know that he wants them and he will come to pick them up…

He never did..

A couple days later, I tried to call him to find out when is he coming to get the gifts.. . As much as I wanted to talk to him… I had lost interest because of his cold behavior… he answered.. then hung up suddenly… I couldn’t believe he did that.. I told myself…

“ that’s it.. I’m done.. with him …”

He was so cold and so mean and I was so hurt thinking I didn’t mean much to him for him to ignore me and refuses to talk to me.. He tries to call me later that day, I did not answer… I was still upset with him hanging up on me.. And then he sent me a text that…

Letting me know that his phone died.. and that was the reason the phone call ended.. I did not believe his lame excuse… so I did not respond to him…

I decided to give up trying to contact him… seeing that he obviously not interested to hear from me… I decided to get in touch with one of his buddies to ask to be an intermediary and get the gifts to him..

This friend… David came.. collect the gifts I had and promised to pass it on to him…. I went ahead to send him a text… informing him that I gave the gifts to David and he should collect them…

He answered me to let me know that him and David were no longer friends… oops… David did not disclose this information to me… I apologized.. and I called David to return the items… I just thought his daughter won’t get her birthday presents in this case..

A few days later MYLOVELOVE Calls me … I was a little surprised to hear from him…I answered .. he started off the conversation asking me why I didn’t just gave the gifts to Veronica.. I became very belligerent . I was very upset that he even considered this possibility…

I just tell him that .. not to worry about the damn gifts.. and him and Veronica can go to hell and hang up on him…. I was so mad.. what was he thinking…!??? I was hurt too to know that he’s still seeing her…and he couldn’t even talk to me on the phone….

Shouldn’t he know how I feel for him? Was he so blind to my feelings…. I was so hurt and so upset That day it brought tears to my eyes… .

I was thinking, how could I mean so little to him, Even though we could not be in a true relationship…I thought at the least we were friends.. How wrong I was to even think this was possible..

my emotions for him was still very strong and way more than I would care to admit… I decided not to text or call anymore and to just Leave him, be…. . I’m still missing him but it doesn’t make sense wanting someone who doesn’t return your feeling… so I will try to put him out of my mind and heart…

***************+++++++***************

TO BE CONTINUED…

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE… part 6c

SOME PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO FALL IN LOVE..BUT… NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER…

I began to see him in Veronicas presence again… my heart sank.. I thought we were getting closer at one point.. he would playfully tease her as he passes by her… which sent a jolt of jealously through me… it would leave me so furious.. . That it brought tears to my eyes in anger…

I was a complete mess.. this should have been enough for me to walk away from him…but instead I still try to talk to him..

I was a fool for this cold. Aloof and inconsiderate guy… and with my knowledge of this.. I still longed for his touch.. his kisses and his loving…

It was a Saturday in April I got a phone call from him….asking for $40.00. My first reaction was no way… but I do wanted to see him.. I so want to be with him… so I thought… it’s a way to get to see him…. so I asked him…

“And what do I get in return for giving you this money MYLOVELOVE…..”

He asked me what do I want…???? So I told him.. “ you”…

Surprisingly.. he agreed.. so I excitedly tell him to come and get it….

And he did…

He walked in .. and I led him straight to my bedroom….I immediately started to seduce him and he allows me to… he stayed a couple of hours with me.. he fulfilled his end of the bargain.. and he gave me what I requested..

Although I instigated most of our love making.. he had no objections… and he loved me just like he always does.. I fully enjoyed our little session…I felt really good to be with him again…and while I was lying in his arms and enjoying his delicious kisses .. everything was perfect…

I gave him the $ 40 like I promised as he was leaving…he left me with a bear hug and a kiss.. and promise that he will stay in touch…

After he left I felt a bit foolish because I let myself be used by him…but I console myself by thinking that….seeing him and getting to love on him was all worth it. I was hoping that he didn’t think himself a gigolo and that I paid him to have sex with me….

Because…

That was exactly what it boils down to … I exchanged sex for money… was I so desperate for him that I allowed myself to stoop to such level.. it made all the sense in the world and I thought I was being clever and sneaky…

I took the time to wallow in the joy I got from being with him… but as usual it was short lived..

I made myself a promise that I will never again do that…. hmm 🤔…

I suspect the money was for veronie birthday. and even when its hurts my feelings…. I tried to justify my actions… telling myself again that it feel good to know he needs me for something and stupid old me thinking if I am kind to him I will win his loyalty and he will remains friends with me always

I’m hoping I was right about this… I really want to be right…

That following Monday We worked the same shift. It was only a hour into the shift when he walked passed the front end and headed outside accompanied by one of the managers….. his demeanor was very stern… and even though he had to pass my register… he didn’t even glance at me..

The manager walked back in a few minutes later without him… I had a sinking feeling.. something wasn’t right…

I know he had an incident in the parking lot a few days before.. involving a customer.. he had accidentally hit her car with the shopping carts… she complained and he was up for reprimanding..

Could it be that they dismiss him because of the accidental incident..???!!! I tried to find out what happened with him and was told…. that he got fired…

I became so emotional.. my mind was in a whirlwind… my thoughts was going berserk… apart from being sad that he loss his job… I was selfishly thinking about us.. and losing contact with him… how am I going get through my days without his presence????!! My only connection with him is here at work…

I tried texting him to find out from him directly what went wrong…. he just completely ignores me… I got no response… this makes the more afraid and scared that I’m losing him… for the rest of the day I lost complete focus on everything.. I had to force myself to concentrate …

If only he answered me… it would ease my mind a little thinking that I won’t lose contact with him.. but he just ignored me totally…

I was in a melancholy mood all day..the end of the shift could come fast enough.. I got home and I tried to make contact again.. still nothing… I became overly anxious accepting the fact that I have lost him for good…

I lie there sobbing into my pillows.. crying for a love that was never mine…

**************++++++*************+++*********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE: part 6b

After our latest rendezvous… and he blurting out unintentionally that he loves me… I started to have a little hope about us…

He was a little more attentive and even sent me a few text messages just to say hi…. I was sure he was liking me some… I carry a delightful smile all week … feeling connected to him…

The following Wednesday , he asked me if I could babysit his three kids for him. I accepted because apart from getting a chance to be with him I love his babies.

So he picked me up before he had to leave for work….and took me over to his place… I spent the evening with them telling stories fix them dinner…and trying to entertain them…..they were good.. and well behaved…

It was an early day for him.. he walked in.. . And I was as happy as the kids to see him…He was a bit distant as usual. But I figured he was just tired….

He took his son, helps him with his homework .. I sat there looking at him in admiration and adoration… he was so dedicated to his kids… he then went to lie down and soon fell asleep. I let him sleep knowing that he must be drained and exhausted after a long day at work…

I give the kids their baths and got them into bed…after they were all asleep… I went and gently lie next to him . I was still dressed … as I cuddled up next to him just to feel his warmth…

I wasn’t expecting for him to want anything sexual.. I was trying to be understanding … I didn’t forget the last time I was here with his kids present….and how I had behaved and reacted…

Even though just being with him causes provocative stimulating reactions… I refuse to act on them.. I guess I dozed off snuggled up to him…

Because I was awoken by him Into the night … he was tugging at my jeans… He tries to love on me but he stopped when I asked him if he’s sure he wants to with the kids here…. he simply answered.. yes you are right…!!

He then instructed me to take off my clothes and get comfortable and get back in the bed… I got up do as he asked.. brush my teeth .. and went back to join him… he held up the covers for me to get under and I do so willingly…

He hugged me close… kiss me and said.. “thank you “…. I smile and nodding affirmatively.. and replied causally..

“ you are welcome MyLoveLove….”

I knew he meant staying with his kids for him… we fell asleep like that till morning when I feel him jerking me awake.. I open my eyes and he asked me if I could get the kids up and get them ready.. I happily obliged…

I got up and he playfully slap me on the butt.. I jumped not expecting it.. gave out a little squeal.. ..turn to him and push at his shoulders giggling.. he fell back onto the bed.. pull the covers over himself and said..

“ wake me up when they are ready to go.. “ I just shake my head…

I got the kids up.. help them get dressed…. fixed them breakfast.. and while they were eating he walked into the kitchen asking if we are ready to go…

I went to collect my belongings and a few minutes later we were on our way.. he dropped the kids to school before he took me home…

He thank me again and said he appreciates me… and let me know that the kids like me and always ask for me..

I was very tickled to learn this.. and I smile saying.. “that’s good.. I love that they like me “…

As I watched him drive away… I was feeling very good about spending the night with him.. and even better.. sleeping in his arms without having sex.. just like an old couple I thought….

We did not see each other for the next couple of weeks, except at work. He did not have too much to say and ignored me for most part. He was back to be his old self.. I was a little confused .. but learning fast to accept him as is… I realize he only used me at his convenience… it hurts me to know this but I know I do allow him to..

Although I was feeling broken up and wanted more I know that we weren’t really together and that he doesn’t like me like that. But I took consolation to be able to see him daily it gives me some joy. I tell myself….Just seeing him was enough to make me happy.

But…

It was far from the truth…

**********++++*********++++*********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY LOVE 😍 LOVE 💕: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE.. part 6…

I tried to avoid him and leave him alone as much as I could.. but seeing him everyday and interacting with him work wise was not helping…

With broken-hearted … my feelings really crushed… and my decision to end our secret affair.. I began to play his game….ignoring him.. I still couldn’t get pass just how cold he is towards me… after all those nights of sweet passionate love making…

How can he be so distant and so mean to me in public.. but.. behind closed doors … he is so damn loving and sweet and warm… he is always so receptive and giving of himself fully and completely…

How can he separate his feelings from sex…??? And how can he look at me and completely forget our nights of passion…

Anyways….. I’m done…

I noticed that he was not around Veronica too much either… and curiosity got the best of me.. so I asked her what was happening between them… she tells me that he was very mean to her without giving details…. and that she’s no longer with him..

I had mixed emotions… because I could see just how hurt she was… and it pains she to see her experiencing such heartache… I want so much to be able to comfort her… but I just didn’t know how.. without putting him down.. which I know I couldn’t…

I was still so infatuated to the point of being in love with him.. so much that I was blinded to his faults… I still hold him in high esteem and he was still this perfect awesome amazing guy in my eyes…

With this this new founded knowledge.. of their separation…my feelings began to resurfaced and got renewed. I became more receptive to his smiles and started to seek him out again to talk to him but kept it causal… I still haven’t forgotten what he had said about us not in a relationship…

I was regretting agreeing to the terms of our relationship.. I didn’t know how to change it.. didn’t know how to confess my true feelings because truth be told….my feelings and desires for him is far from being causal…

I thought I was able to have a sexual affair without getting my heart involved… little did I know.. I have no control over my heart… and my mind was confused… the heart wants what it wants… and it wants him…

Within a week after that incident..

I was on my way to Walgreens .. my first job… when I got a unexpected text from him…

“I am at home can u come by 2nit.” ????……

I was kinda surprised.. but pleased at the same time… I responded letting him know I was on my way to work…. he was very understanding and implied there will be a next time…

I would have love to be able to go over and It made me realized just how much I still want to be with him.. as much as I tried to suppress my feelings and try to move beyond him…one little text from him undo all my efforts and put me right back to where I was..

I didn’t correspond with him for the next few days… but that text keeps playing in my mind… it had been on my mind constantly and I thought I blew a chance to be with him… I really doubted that he would ever repeat that request..

Thinking of him this much only allowed my feelings to intensify to the point of making my urges and my desire grew so strong is became unbearable….

I finally gave in to my feeling and decided to send him a text…asking him to include me on his agenda for that day.

I know it was suggestive but I was itching to be with him. And nothing beats a try but a failure…so I thought I’d asked. To my surprise.. he responded…

he said he was going to be busy but he’ll see what’s up later.

It sounds promising but I was not convinced that there will be a later… I was kinda disappointed but pleased that he responded to me…

I had completely given up on hearing from him..but to my surprise and total pleasure he called apx. 8pm …. I eagerly and promptly answered…

he let me know had somewhere to go at midnight but he can see me until then if I still want to come over… I let him know that I would love to come and spend the time him… so I got ready and headed over….

I was very nervous with anxiety…. it’s been a while since our last rendezvous… as usual my heart was beating hard against my chest… I had butterflies in the pit of my stomach…and my knees feel like jelly…

I got to his door and knock timidly…GOD! …… When he opens that door, he was the most beautiful sight I ever behold. That smile, that face, that man, that beautiful and gorgeous man, I smile ever so pleasingly…because I have longed and yearned to be with him these last few weeks and here I am, ….finally. …..and with heart racing and hands shaking just to touch him .. it takes all my control not to jump on him, Instead…

I sat down beside him. He was watching a program on the TV… and We sat there trying to focus on it… I was finding it hard to …and I keep stealing glances at him willing him to instigate and initiate some form of physical contact…

He must have sense my desire, or read my mind…because he said,

, “What you came for, to watch T.V.? “

He did not have to say another word..that was my cue. With his permitted invite….I immediately start to kiss him. I love kissing these lips… his kisses set fire to my whole being….to ignite that burning desire in my loins…

I love on him like I was hungry; I couldn’t get enough of him. He matches my intense urges with his.. he was like a man possessed … he quickly got out of his clothes and helped me out of mine.. and as he continued to bathe me in his kisses … he guided me under him.. as he find his way in my soaking wet and supple kitty…

I wrapped my legs around his hips and heist my buttocks to meet his thrusts..

I could feel him swelling up to burst inside me.. just as I was getting ready to explode with sweet ecstasy…

He screams.. “ ooh shitt.. ooh shitt… ooh shiiiittt..!!!!!! As he made one last deep thrust and stopped as he empties in me… he made a few more small thrust as sweats washes his whole body… that he became so slippery…… I lie under him completely satisfied as I feel his results of his most arduous loving dripping down my legs..

He gently pulled out and it gushes out… I got up and pulled him up with me.. leading him to the showers…. we got in.. I lathered him up as he lean against the wall so exhausted from our session…

He had his back against the wall standing there with his head thrown back resting on the wall … his eyes were closed.. and his body limp and fully relaxed as if he was about to doze off… the shower was beating against my back splashing onto him … causing ripples of droplets cascading down his chest…I continued to soap his chiseled chest.. I couldn’t resist but to place small kisses on it.. I moved Down to his belly button.. and focus a little in that area.. I was stooping at this point..

I was so busy enjoying the taste of him .. getting all stimulated that kitty was twitching and getting all moist… when I felt him poking my chest.. I stopped .. glanced up on his face and he was looking down at me with a devilish smile and pleasure in his eyes.. I squinted with a silly smile.. shaking my head… and then I chuckled mischievously…

He then placed his hands on my head and motion me to his bulge…I obliged his request and take him in my mouth..after only a few moments he picked me up to a standing position and place me to face the wall.. he placed his right hand on my belly pushing my buttocks in a upward position.. that I ended up on my tippy toes.. and leaning forward holding on to the walls for support…

He kept his hand where it was offering some balance.. as he slowly but swiftly enters me… with the shower falling on us .. he gave me one of the most memorable sexual experiences we have had..

We finished with a blast.. shower and headed to the bedroom where he helped me to towel off and I helped him in return… I asked him if he would like a massage but he apologetically refuses saying he has to get going…

We both got dressed and he took me home.. kissed me and said. “ love you “… I looked at him quizzically… smile but didn’t make a comment… I walked away from him .. thinking…

“Was that for real…or was it a slip of the tongue ?…..

I thought the latter… but…

His lovemaking was so good. He made love to me like he means it and I enjoyed every single minute of him. I left him very pleased and happy. I secretly hope that he was actually liking me .. I want him to so much to…

When I’m with him ….I find that I don’t have much to say …I just tried to enjoy him and every moment I have with him… there is never the promise of tomorrow.. so I just live in the moment…..

I’m still left with wanting more of him…and I hope that another chance arises soon… and until that opportunity comes around… I will just be waiting ever so impatiently….

*****+***************************+++**********

TO BE CONTINUED……

MY LOVE LOVE: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE 💕…..part 5c

That week went by with me living in hopes of the next time, seeing him daily would caused rushes of emotions that run through my whole body.. it was a sweet sensation that leaves me shivering ….

He would occasionally flash me his mischievous smile as he passes me by… and I would be filled with a warm feeling that makes me blush knowing we shared this secret love affair…

I was feeling so good with his attentions and was so consumed in my feelings for him.. that I didn’t even stop to think of Veronica until I saw her one morning all sad…

I went over to find out what’s was causing her sadness… she was very reluctant to talk to me so I asked her if it’s anything to do with him.. She angrily said she doesn’t want to talk about him…

He happens to pass by then and came over to try to talk to her.. without even acknowledging me…she angrily walked away and he follows her… I watched as she flashes off his touch.. I was getting jealous just watching their interactions… and even though it was obvious a lovers fight.. I wish We as could be as open with our relationship…

I didn’t follow through on figuring out Veronica woes.. I thought it’s best I just leave them alone… I was too emotionally invested in him.. and I didn’t want our secret affair be revealed…

I decided to stay focused on my plans to create another rendezvous… I made up my mind not to allow their relationship to interfere with this secret sexual affair we have between us…

that following Tuesday I was off… and I knew he was too … so I decided to text him asking what’s he doing? He replies that he is at his aunt birthday party.

An hour after I surprisingly receive A call from him asking me if I could come over…, I quickly.. without hesitation said..” I will be there “…

I was so pleased.. and ecstatic that he invites me over….I anxiously get ready and excitingly hurry over to his place..

As soon as I arrived…he pounced on me… he was undressed down to his undies… he started to kiss me ever so hungrily… pulling at my clothes frantically in urgency…….. I join his enthusiasm and quickly got out of them.. as soon they fall to the ground.. he pushed me onto the bed .. help me get on my knees and thrust his hard rock cock in… he began to pump and thrust hard and fast.. and within minutes he blew his spunk filling me up.. that it dribble down my legs…

I lie on my stomach and he stayed on top still inside me… he kissed me on the cheeks and said “thank you , I needed that. “…. he then roll off my back onto the bed… I turned around.. and said…

“ ooh boy.. that was intense…” he looked at me and just smile.. I could feel kitty soaking wet and spilling out… I got up headed in the bathroom and took a quick shower to clean up….

He was lying on his back.. all naked.. I got a wet rag and decided to clean him up a little… he began to get stimulated again from my touch… and I continued to play with him…

I want to get him all excited.. and I decided to try the eatable chocolate that we didn’t get to on valentines….I placed it all over his chest down to his hard cock.. and I started to lick and lap it up.. I started on his chest.. paid a little attention to his nipples.. nibbling and sucking lightly… and work my way down…

oooh maan !!!! Did he love me eating and licking it off his chest …. he was getting impatient for me to reach the prize… and he grab hold of my head and try to guide me to it… I resist at first but he became forceful in an urgent manner so I obliged and began by taking him slowly in my mouth and slowly back out.. enjoying the taste of the chocolate… I licked until it was all gone..

I gobbled up every last drop… he was very excited by then. And he pulled me on top of him and I straddled him.. as he gently enters me… with his hand on my hips.. he raises his …up and down as I ride him.. I was feeling an orgasm building as I clench and grip him with his every thrust….it didn’t take us long to reach our goal…we cum with a blast…

I was quivering and shaking with ecstasy… as he watched me… smiling proudly.. he ease me off onto the bed..and got up and went to take a shower… I. Decided to join him seeing that I was also sticky from the chocolate….

We came out .. get dressed causally… and headed to the kitchen… He mentioned he was hungry so I fixed him something to eat…. we watched a little tv.. and I sat there quietly with his head in my lap.. thinking.. this is what couples do..???

We headed back into the bedroom.. and I wanted more loving.. but he didn’t seem interested so I just follow his suit and just lie there beside him..wrapped up in his warm arms…I again spent the night with him..

I left him that morning.. thinking how he took me to places and heights I have never been… we had a good time together. And sexually we were enjoying each other…

Every time with him seems to be better and better. I was falling deeper and deeper for him. What was I doing? How am going to get out of this? The more I see and the more time spent with him the more I want him. My feelings were getting entangled into a causal affair that has no future… but.. I decided to enjoy him for as long he allows me to…

I was starting to get confident and assurance that he likes me some…he couldn’t love on me like he does without liking me… I keep telling myself..

So…

The following week I asked him if I can come over.. thinking he won’t refuse me… but..to my surprise and disappointment …

. He started to tell that I’m acting like we are in a relationship and to remember that we are only friends with benefits. I fell silent and suddenly became embarrassed.. I felt very awkward…

Without another word I walked away… I just didn’t know how to respond to him.. he was right… and even though it hurts me to hear him say it .. I did agreed to causal no relationship status…

The next few days I just do what he does.. ignore him pretend that I didn’t feel anything for him… I decided to give him up.. and stop playing this game with my heart… he made it clear that it’s never going to be any more than just sex…

We have had enough… I got much more than I ever thought possible.. so here and now I tell myself.. it’s over….

*********************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY LOVE LOVE: THE JOY & PAIN OF A FORBIDDEN LOVE…. part 5b

……,And so I got one more time to spend with MYLOVE-LOVE {. I COULDN’T BELEIVE MY LUCK}

As I stand there waiting for him to answer the door my mind was whirling with thoughts of being in his arms…

Finally he opened the door.. and I was so amazed just how gorgeous he looked… he was shirtless and his chiseled chest was so inviting…

He greets me with a kiss on the cheek.. took my hand and led me to the bedroom… he jumped on the bed and patted it beside him signifying suggestively for me to join him…

….he was lying there looking so good and sexy just waiting for me. I obliged eagerly… and I hugged him as I joined him pressing into his chest… stroking it very tenderly as I start to put butterfly kisses all over that gorgeous chest…

He had just taken a bath … he smells so fresh and feels so cool and extra good. I enjoyed the taste of him as I inhaled his scent getting lost in the moment…

he immediately started to kiss me, and his kisses sent warmth to every crevices of my body…he felt so good and smell so delicious, as I continued to love on his most beautiful chest.. moving downward… slowly kissing and loving on his perfect body…..

He was lying there softly moaning with pleasure… as I fumbled with his pants I looked up at his face.. he had his eyes closed and when I stopped and prompted him to lift his hips so I could slide them off he opened them and preceded to help me discard it…

He kicked them off… and resumed his position…

I had bought a vibrating toy for sexual pleasure and I had it with me.. I mentioned it to him…and asked him if we could try it and play with it….surprisingly he was all gamed,

He said “let’s play” I got it out .. showed it to him.. he was very amused and eager to try it… and so the games began..and play we did.

We had some fun playing with our new toy.. and we made love over and over and over until we were both spent from exhaustion… his love making was very intense… tender and loving…

We lay there beside each other… catching our breath and just savoring the moment… he looked at me smile.. quickly jumped up.. tower over me…placed a playful kiss on my mouth , nibbled my neck with small kisses and asked me if I wanted something to drink..

I merely giggled in amusement at him and nodded… he went off to the kitchen as I lay there wondering if he’s starting to like me … I couldn’t get this smile off my face.. I was so exhilarated thinking of the way he just love on me….

He came back in and handed me a glass with drink.. and lie down watching me… I finished my drink…move over next to him .. he had his hand behind his head. And he removed one and pulled me into him…

I just nestled happily up next to him.. he then pulled the cover over us…I wanted to get up and take a shower but I didn’t want to leave the comfort of his warmth…I was enjoying him much too much… and refused to lose this connection .. I just didn’t want it to end…

He then started to talk about his childhood… I quietly listened not saying much.. I just lie there in awe of him.. I must have dozed off and snoring because I was awaken by him holding my nose… I looked up at him… and he just tweaked my nose again.. and said .. “ let’s sleep… “

I responded by turning around and let him spoon me and hold me closely to him.. he placed his cheek on my head.. and I heard him sigh.. ever so pleasingly… I smile and reached for his hand that he had wrapped around me and kissed it as I wrapped it more tightly around me….

I again spent the night next to him and in his arms… I was in glory land. Being with him gives me so much joy. I get a surge of happiness I never before experience.

The more times I spent with him the more I feel for him.. and the more I want him.. and I hoped it means that he was liking me some.

We woke up and made love a couple of times before we both got up and took a needed shower….

I left him that morning very happy and fulfilled… I was on cloud nine… but still wondered if I will ever get another chance to be with him… I always left wondering because we never talked about us…

All night with him.. all that loving.. and the subject of us .. was never mentioned… I am so afraid of the answer that I rather not know…and I keep telling myself I’m just going to enjoy him as much as he allows me..

I keep smiling all that day and keep reflecting back to our night of playtime and sweet loving… couldn’t believe he was so willing to try that little toy….I was so pleased he was so gamed… it was fun.. I fully enjoyed him….

I told myself that I have to work on our next rendezvous… because I was so eager to spend another night in his sweet arms.. and experience some more of his passionate loving…..

****************+++****+++++*********

TO BE CONTINUED….

ALL ABOUT GINGER – MY 2ND BESTEST

Sometimes you must roll with the punches, sometimes you must go against the grain. Ginger’s body get ready for the crunches, in the missionary …

ALL ABOUT GINGER – MY 2ND BESTEST

I HOPE Y’ALL LIKE THIS VERSION OF THIS EROTIC WRITERS FORM…

HE USES A VERY POETIC FORM OF DESCRIBING HIS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS…AND IN HIS OWN WORDS TELLS HIS STORY..

I FOR ONE FIND IT BOTH HUMOROUS AND INTRIGUING…

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 9b

AS I LAY THERE  SOBBING FEELING LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD; A TEXT CAME THROUGH ….

“WENDY”…. he called my name…

“BABY”….  he tried again….

 

“I’m so sorry … I feel asleep… anyway… please don’t be upset with me… or think I’m an illusion! That’s crazy! I’m sorry I let you down. I’m saying night now… and I do hope you forgive me…. I also hope you are resting well and happy.”

I was reading what he was saying and I realize that he fell asleep; it never occurred to me that he might fall asleep. It’s 4am. So I felt really bad about my thoughts and realize I made a terrible mistake in doubting him. So I got up and decided to answer him… so he saw me writing and he says…

Hey sexy!!! I see you typing!!! Awwww!!! Stop that! Let me hear it! He said anxiously.

I was smiling by then, trying to type what I was saying but not fast enough for him….

“Wendy…

Talk to me!” he said impatiently.

Please”

“Now… please…. Anything…” he pleaded.

“”just Wakanita words! …

I finally finish what I was saying, “I think its best we talk tomorrow after you get a good night sleep. Right now I’m crying and can’t talk. I told him.

“Oh ok… I’m sorry. He said.

“I understand your frustration with me… I do get it… I try to let him know.

“I was so excited to talk to you, I had no idea you were upset with me… I’m sorry for being so ignorant… I will not contact you again.” He stated.

“not contact me again???? oooh my…..

I just realize that we got our wires crossed, we both misunderstood each other; I thought he was annoyed at me and he thought I was mad with him; and now he is threatening not to contact me again. I have to try to fix this…

“Why are you giving up on us?” I asked. “All a big misunderstanding… so you fell asleep… ok, I just thought you were ignoring me. I told him.

He stops writing again and I was not too sure if it is because he fell asleep again or if he was really gone.

“Now you’re gone again?” I asked. I forgive you my love.” I told him not wanting to lose him.

“No baby” he said. “I’m here”

“good.” I said happily,.(smiling so huge) “Are you sleepy? I asked. I know it’s late.

Then he says, “please don’t be sensitive… please know I’m real… and we are strong!

We are strong.” I agreed…

“yes it’s late but we are super strong.” He told me. “Nita…I love you baby… that is real.”

For sure.’ I said. “It makes me happy.”

I forget again that we can never be; I was so wrapped up in his love all I was doing was living in the moment and just feeling and receiving all the love, emotions and desires that he was giving me…..

And I was also trying to convince him to stay..so afraid that he is gonna walk away…..

“So we are back on track? I asked.

“Good” he says. “One day you will understand! Till then you just know what feels right. Ok?… baby… we were never off track.

Thank you for that.”I told him. “I’m glad. Then I asked him, “Do you want to go to sleep?”

“Nita… I know stuff is a mess for you… but baby… we are going to be constant you will see… yes I’m tired. He told me. “But baby I can’t have you flipping out on me.”

I thought he must be very tired to be dozing off in the middle of our conversation, and I thought I was totally being selfish wanting him to keep talking to me. So I asked him….

“So do you want to continue this discussion tomorrow?”

“I need you loving your man!” he was telling me. “Yes please.”

I told him, “I’m resilient.” [To me flipping out.] “You got it.” [Me loving my man; and I do love him so very much]

I’m smiling,’ he let me know.

I’m smiling too… now,’ I also told him.

“So perfect! He said.

I was so glad to get all that straighten out; and I start to relaxed again. So I said to him…

“I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding.”

“Baby… he said. ‘Turns out you are human… right? How can I be upset with that?

So I remind him. “you said you will stop and you did.’ Guess I am.”

I will make mistakes…. And I hope you will be understanding… he said to me. “I’m not perfect… But we are all work in progress… right?

I told him, ‘I will try… and again.. I’m not you. You are the most understanding person I ever came across.”

So we work… as a person… and as a couple… but we are always working in the same direction if we love each other. He let me know.

“let’s go for it.” I answered.

“So love is the answer.” He assures me.

“Always.” I agreed.

“That’s just one guy’s random thoughts… take it or leave it. He said.

“As long as it’s yours.’ I let him know. “I will take it.”

Awwww!!! He said lovingly.

“Nita… he called my name. “Baby….

Yes Allen.” I answered.

“Please sleep well… and baby… please think of me… I’ll be thinking of you love… night sweet girl… talk tomorrow I hope?

“You too.’ I told him. “Every time, every day, every night.

Awwww!!! Nita…. He says. “Merry Christmas… baby… I love you…

“Good night my sweet Allen, I said to him. It’s not Christmas until Thursday, but merry Christmas to you too. Don’t forget my Christmas gift; I’m looking forward to seeing them.”

Btw… holidays I love’… he wanted me to know. It’s just another reason to spend time with the people you care about…And tell them you love them… so this one is perfect…I don’t care if you celebrate at all!!!! I just know it’s a great time to be loving you… so yeah.’

I read this and all of a sudden I remember that this is not real for me… oh god… he loves me this much and there is nothing I can do to claim him as mine.

“I have your gift all ready to go, he told me. “Already done.’

I did not make any comment on his speech; I really did not know how to address it and I did not want to say something to take us back to where we were coming from. So I completely ignored it.

“Great!” I answered about the gift.

“Night lover” he said.

Well goodnight lover.” I responded.

Nita… he called my name again.

Yeah, I responded.

“tell me you love me please.” he begged of me.” Unless it’s not comfortable.”

I do love you my sweet Allen… so, so much.” I honestly told him. “But I do love you.” I informed him.

“I’m smiling huge!” he said.

Good, you should be.” I let him know.

Then he let me know, “Nita… I’m so silly crazy in love with you! Yeah I should be happy; and so I am.”

I felt a rush of emotion all over my body that it made me shudder. I was feeling so elated to know he loves me this much; and I really believe it … i really and truly did…and it was as if I could sense it and sense him. In the back of my mind I know he was looking at Paige’s face and thinking that’s the girl that’s on the receiving end of his raging passion and desires; but I was sitting there feeling him with all my senses ,with my own passions ablaze with a fierce fire of emotions… accepting and taking it all gladly.

It’s a wonderful thing and I am happy too.” I told him. “That makes two of us. Hearts in harmony.”

IT WAS SO EASY FOR ME TO GET LOST IN THE MOMENT WHEN HE IS THERE WITH ME; NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO ME BUT FEELING HIM AND HIS EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH THAT PHONE… ALL I WANT IS TO JUST WRAPPED MYSELF UP IN HIS PRESENCE…. AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING…AND COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I’M NOT BEING HONEST AND THAT IM HERE ENCOURAGING AND PLAYING WITH HIS EMOTIONS …all for the sake of experiencing this founded joy of a love I have never known before… how can I make this right???…. it is so wrong on all levels…

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED……

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part9

I did not text him that Monday night because he said he was going to be busy, and I figure he probably would be tired and so I did not want to bother him. Tuesday was my only day off before Christmas and I want to get some shopping done. So I woke up and send ‘My Allen’ a text to inform him of my day’s plan.

“Good morning My Allen, miss you last night, was very tempted to send you a text… I spent the night with you regardless, we were flying all over the place with you showing off your aerobatics skills, it may be just a dream but it seems and felt real… I woke up smiling. I’m off today so I’m going to attempt to get this place ready, and I probably go to the mall with john, but I will be here later for some of your juicy conversations, if you not busy. Let me know, until…

So John, Paige and I went shopping but my mind was just constantly on MY Allen; I could hardly wait to get home so we could connect; and I keep checking my phone to see if he sent a text, but nothing. I was not too worried because I figure he was probably doing the same thing I was, seeing that Christmas is only two days away. And I know later I will have my time with him.

About 5:30pm I got me a little text, “hey Wendy! Hope you are having a great day getting things ready and shopping. Talk soon pretty girl.”

I could not write back just then, “So all I said was. ‘Talk to you soon.” And sent him a smiley face blowing a kiss.

I was all smiles and was quite pleased to know he was thinking about me; and I felt a sweet sensational rush, it was as if I could sense him thinking about me;

we got home about 6pm, I hurriedly put away the things we have bought anxiously wanting to get settled so I can talk my “My Sweet Allen”.

Paige decides to stay with me for the night to help me prep for Christmas and help wrap all the gifts for my babies.

I could not wait any longer so I finally sit down and write to him…

“Well, I’m here now… finally… it’s been my longest day ever. All day I was willing the day to go faster so I can get to talk to you. I know we spoke just yesterday but it seems like forever ago. I could hardly wait for now. I find it so crazy for me to be acting and feeling this way but I do… I do… so how was your day MY Allen? I ASKED.

Then I asked him out of curiosity,

….., (I have been thinking of our conversations … and trying to think of things we could talk about… I find that I really doesn’t have much to offer in terms of subjects.. and I want so much to contribute to over conversations… I was thinking I must appear boring and uninteresting…)

“Do you have a dog? I kinda picture you with a dog… a big one, just curious.” I told him.

It took an hour for him to answer and I was excited to hear from him…

He started…

“I’m smiling huge as usual when I read your texts! And yes you nailed it… I have a black lab…he’s my buddy… a great dog…I take him running in the country here a few times a week… good call sexy. You are good! I’m glad your shopping day is over and I hope you will get time to relax now.

“Heeey!!! “ I replied.. all smiles.. beaming so brightly..

, “I waited all day for this text. A black lab? I like labs, they are so loyal. But I kinda expected a German Sheppard or something like that… so do you have to work tomorrow? I asked. “I do; I have one more question for you? Tonight I’m full of questions… do you own a gun? 

We were talking about guns today and I thought I would ask? John is a gun fanatic. Well my real reason for asking about guns, actually is, we were talking and kinda joking  about me telling him about what was going on with this deception of mine and we jokingly implies that he might find me and kill my ass for lying to him; and I thought about it on a serious note. And I wonder if he owns a gun..

He did not respond to my text..and I was anxiously anticipating his response ….I know he might be caught up doing whatever; after all it’s Christmas time, but I was very eager to connect. So after another hour I write again.

“I told him, “I’m here having some Hennessy with my aunt. I like it sometimes, although I can’t do more than one shot.. My aunt she like her wines and Hennessy, when I’m with her I indulge… do you drink? I asked.

We wrapped some more gifts and we prep all we had to for my Christmas dinner…Paige wanted to play monopoly; but I could not focus, because all I was thinking about was MY Allen and hearing from him….

So after another hour I decided to sent him another text, I was becoming very impatient and overly anxious to hear from him; now this is the same girl who was supposed to be thinking of ending all this….

“Alright I guess I was too overly excited and anxious to be with you and you must have your evening all planned out. You are busy…. Well I shall still be here all night if you choose to talk… anxiously waiting… WAKANITA.”

Still nothing and I keep on waiting, I played monopoly with Paige to try take my mind off him a little and as I said he was busy with his own thing and when he is ready we will talk. So I waited…. Trying real hard to relax and stop behaving like a schoolgirl with her first crush…

I sit there all night in great anticipation of his text.. but to my disappointment none came…

It was 2am and I still haven’t heard from him; I was not mad, just disappointed; I had wanted so badly to connect with him, I yearn for him and his words; I got so addicted to him that even one day without talking to him seems like an eternity; I know he was probably caught up with his stuff and he had said he was having company so I try in my head {as he puts it} to be understanding… but still disappointed… Paige is asleep by now, and the TV holds no interest for me; I could not focus on it. So I decided to send him a final text for the night…

“Well it’s now 2am and I have not heard from you, yes I’m a little disappointed… no make that a lot disappointed… I wanted so badly to connect with you tonight. I’m missing you… I know you have your life to live… and I’m not even like real, I’m like a delusion right now but my feelings are for real.”

After I sent it and read it back, I realize I actually sounded very upset even though I told myself I was not mad. I guess that delusion bit came from an earlier conversation with Paige about him and she made the statement that I was a delusion to him; because he is there thinking she is me. I Kinda agreed with her and we were trying to come up with a good way or plan as to end this all; so I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. … I just did not want it to end… I just did not want to give him up; and the mere thought that I had to, was driving me crazy and very much afraid of losing him and all this sweet, sweet feeling I was experiencing.

So I try to explain to him what I was feeling and going through….

“You bring out something in me I never knew existed and the experience of it is quite overwhelming. You take me to places I’ve never been. And I’m enjoying the journey to the fullest. You make it all so exciting and fun… well, I guess I won’t hear from you again for tonight so until I do… I’ll keep on dreaming of us…you… goodnight my sweet Allen.”

And I turn off the lights and try to sleep… about another half an hour I got a text, I jump up all excited, grab my phone to read what he has said…

But baby…. He said. “And yeah a Sheppard would be a good guess because I am a strong man… that was really good… I can see how smart you are baby…and how much thought you are putting into us. Any ways… I have had labs since I was a kid and love them… I don’t need a dog for protection… Ha-ha!!! Ok for the gun part… yes I own many… and I usually have a nine on me… but I promise no one would know… I absolutely love guns and watches…but watches first… guns are simple… watches are amazing… the most efficient engine man had ever built… Anyway… hey!!!!

I waited for him to finished talking before I intervened; I was so amazed again how he put so much passion in whatever he likes and does. What a guy… I was so in love that the least little things I learned about him … impresses me so much.. that I was totally intrigued…

I find that I was always in awe of him… and everything about him seems to fascinate me to the extreme… it’s so strange how when the heart is involved how everything takes on a hue and maximize it effects…

So I simply said,” really!”

He then asked.” What are you doing up silly!!!! I was just loving you! And answering your stuff.”

“Waiting for you !!!!! I replied smiling widely.

“Awwww!!!! He said in response.

“Well thanks for answering my questions.” I told him.

“Just got in bed!” He was informing me. And was totally wowed! I thought you’re going to be busy and not have much time for me… I was trying in my head to be understanding!”

I thought you would love guns.” I told him. “And I will always time for you.”

He laughed and says, “I’m so white! Is that the deal? Yes I like guns… but watches are my favorite deal… the thing that captivates me.”

“No Irish like John.” I told him. “Wow you have to let me see that… “Captivated” the word I can’t spell.”I let him know.

I misspelled “captivated” a few times in the beginning when I was describing his eyes.

“I have a 120 year old watch that keeps perfect time… every piece made by hand with only a magnifying glass… that is fucking amazing to me… it was art that made science… “

He then laughed at me for commenting on my miss spelt word. “Hahaha you are cute baby… Nita… “He said.

So you have a very unique hobby.”I told him. “You were saying?” I asked.

“And I also love compass stuff… usually from the 40’s or earlier.” He was saying.

“Very fascinating.” I comment.

I was enjoying learning about him; he was so intriguingly mesmerizing.

“I don’t know… he said. I’m a mess once you are here.”

How so? I asked.

Nita…. I want to kiss you.” He told me.

“Now?” I asked. “You saw the picture”

I saw where Paige had posted a picture of herself earlier on and where he had made a comment. You see Paige is all about selfies and she knows she takes good pictures and she is a bit conceited with her looks. Well we all encourages by letting her know how pretty she is… but she loves my phone, and whenever she is here she always mess with tango and all the other sites she is on. She is the one that keep on changing pictures of herself without my knowledge. I know he would have like that picture because I even told Paige that she had voluptuous lips in that photo maybe that’s why she posted that one.

So I guess I was a bit defensive and acting silly. I was jealous and envious of Paige; even though I am the one that create that image for him.

He then said, “Yes… but I’m not silly”… sounding annoyed, “I know I have to wait… but Nita… I want a kiss soon.” “What pictures? He asked.

I want him to drop the subject so I told him, “You are pushing Allen.” I then answered his question, “the one I posted.”

I guess he was feeling even more annoyed with me and my comments because he said, “I don’t know how to romance your dimension… we will figure it out. Sorry… I will stop…”

Ooh man.. he doesn’t know how to romance my dimension….!!! This comment have me feeling really silly now.. because I impulsively reacted to his comments on Paige photo without even realizing that I had no need to be defensive or jealous…

I wanted him to like me…( the true me) so much that I’m getting upset whenever he said anything about Paige… ( haha) I purposely encouraged this with all those pictures of Paige I sent him.. and now I’m expecting something impossible…

I really have to come clean and confess my horrific deception… I’m way too deep emotionally and I just can’t do this anymore nor can I keep on lying and pretending.. when I so want it to be real…. I’m so in love … and it’s fully returned .. but he doesn’t see me behind all this facade … he only sees Paige…

I asked him to explain what he meant, and why is he going to stop…

and he stopped and he was gone, he stops texting back. I start to get emotional and fearful. I realize that my answers was not encouraging and that my feelings of what I’m going through was coming out and of course with him not knowing he could never understand.

You asked me to tell you when you are.”[Are pushing] I told him. “I’m sorry to have offended you… I would love to have you kiss me… I told him .I knows I would have enjoy it thoroughly.”

Still nothing, by now I was in tears, and afraid that I have lost him for good and even though I know it was going to be over soon anyway I still did not want him to go… not yet… I keep telling myself. I was panicking did not know how to get him back on-line. But I keep on trying.

“Are you gone? I asked. “Is this the end of our conversation? Allen come back please,” I pleaded. You are been mean,’ I told him, ‘and you said you are never mean.”

I waited, still nothing. So I write again…

“Okay I get it… “And I sent a teary face. “Btw my Allen, I said, ‘is this what loving me is? I thought you said you love me. But believe me I fully understand. I really do. And yes… I’m hurting, but it will pass… good night sweet dreams. WHAT A GREAT DELUSION FOR ME.”

And I stop texting believing that he so upset with me and the fact that I won’t agreed to move to the next level and he can’t do this anymore and I made it possible with my negative answers. I lay there crying thinking it’s for the best anyways; he did it for me.

I SAT THERE WITH MIXED FEELINGS … WITH TEARS IN MY EYES ALL CONVINCED THAT I HAVE LOST HIM… BUT MY HEART WAS BREAKING… I FELT ALL EMPTY AND SO SAD.. I MISSED HIM AND IT WASN’T EVEN TEN MINUTES  SINCE I WAS TALKING TO HIM.. I TURN OFF MY PHONE AND TURNED AND SOBBED QUIETLY INTO MY PILLOW…MY HEART WAS BREAKING…I THOUGHT… I COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL…ONLY IF I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO PLAY THIS GAME OF DECEPTION….

*************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 8c

AS I SAT THERE THINKING ABOUT THE MESS I GOT MYSELF INTO…. HE  WAS TELLING ME ABOUT WHAT HE WOULD DO TO MAKE OUR FIRST TIME SPECIAL…..

 

And then he started to set a scenario for me;

“and if we get to the intimacy part maybe we make love for the first time at an abandon air field in the middle of nowhere on a blanket under the stars… just us and the universe…”

And I had to laugh; because it seem like he went right into farthest part of my mind and dig out all of my deepest fantasizes; wasn’t it me who had done something similar way back when; it wasn’t an air field but… a beach ..similar… close…under the stars.

Just what I always dream about.” I stated.

“I will bring a guitar and we can have a little fire and spend some quality time in a super romantic way.”he continued saying.

As I sit there reading his words… I was again in awe of him… I began thinking, “Oh good gracious! He’s talking my language; guitar… fire… aaahh .. I always love the guitar and a fireplace… and nothing like being serenaded with a love song on the guitar….

‘You just got me right there… and I love it.” I told him.

But he still has more to say… he was not finished with his creation of the scenario….

“maybe a little picnic basket with your favorites! I will totally romance you pretty girl… it’s the way every girls first experience should be… at least that’s how I feel anyways.”

So I told him, ‘you are every girl’s dream.”

And I meant it. He just described to me everything I would have loved; under the stars; guitar and him singing to me; a fire; and a picnic basket with some wine and cheesecake and whatever else.

And he top it off with a bang!!!!

, “after a perfect night together we will have a beautiful night take off under the stars… and see the area from the sky at night… perfect memory created… that would be nice.”

So, so nice, I thought. What memory that would be but… I can only live in the dreams of this fantasy though; he can’t be mine; I found the perfect man of my dreams and I can’t own him because of my horrific deception.. I pushed my thoughts aside… trying to stay focus on him and his most wonderful imagination…

You know how to lay it on, I told him.

He laughed, ‘Hahaha!! Sorry; I’m just speaking my thoughts.” He said.

How can anyone resist an offer like that?” I asked. “Don’t be sorry I did not mean any offense.” I told him. ” I really love your most beautiful creative imagination.. it’s as if you look deep into my mind and see exactly how I had imagined the perfect night with you..”

“Well… I don’t know… I’m hoping you can’t at some point.”

I’m almost tempted to say yes… yes… yes!! But I’m not quite ready.” I told him.

Little does he know…? I was just trying to find an excuse not to..

“I want you to not lose you virginity; I want you to share an amazing night… one that included you no longer being one. He begged of me. Well the good news is… I’m not in a hurry and will never rush you! I expect nothing baby.” He let me know.

I completely ignore the virginity statement; it put me back to where I was trying not to dwell on; so I brush it aside again, I don’t want to feel miserable right now; I am enjoying him and his fantasies way too much. So I again drifted into his fantasy getting completely  lost in his visualization..

So I simply said, ‘good for me; I know I’m gonna enjoy you and that moment .. whenever the time is right…you’re just one special man Allen”

Yes… he started to say, ‘and if I’m coming on too strong all you have to do is tell me; and I will back way off, I promise pretty girl.

I bit strong, yes, but… I’m having all this fun.” I let him know.

“We can stick to everyday stuff and chat about anything… he wanted me to know. “It’s a little difficult to not feel our sexual energy though…. It’s super strong… desire and passion. I can be very refrained and conservative.

{Don’t I know it? It’s super strong indeed}

Here I was putting a damper on all this sweet and wonderful visuals of his creative imagination of us actually making our relationship becoming a true reality… having these reservations and giving him this negative reaction to his beautiful suggestions…

Everything he was saying and thinking could be materialized and make true… but as much as I’m trying to visualize with him ,his most romantic creations of bringing our connection to life..

to me…

It just have to be a fantasy instead of being real… I find myself struggling to stay positive and fully enjoy him and his mood he was setting, to encourage me to take us to the next level….

He was hearing me and getting discouraged thinking it was me being afraid to open up to his sexual suggestiveness…

“If you like I will not bring anything sexual unless you initiate…. Would that make you more comfortable? He asked.

I kind of smile and think, “Right… you can’t help yourself lover.” {Smiling}

So I said to him, “I guess it is… {Super strong} when will I ever do that? [Initiate] no I actually like it when you do.” I told him.

OK then, it’s settled! He said. “I will say what I think and if it’s too overwhelming, you can just put your phone down”

So I tell him, ‘it turns me on and I love the feelings… not me lover.” [Putting the phone down] I love the feeling it creates in me…

Me too!!! He exclaimed. “These are perfectly amazingly perfect thoughts! Everyone should be lucky enough to feel this much emotion and passion. It is a privilege.”

Well for me… right now it’s definitely a privilege.

So I let him know, ‘I really do enjoy  your sexual fantasies”

And knowing that you read what I am saying and your kitty gets wet for me… drives me wild inside!” he told me.

“Laughing”  I wrote.” And it does,” . “And I read them again and again and again.”

Perfect! He said very amused. “I love the thought of your super sexy hands and long fingers pleasuring yourself… Mmmhmmm.” Then he tells me, “I will ask you to play with your p**** for me… I want to see how you take care of yourself so I can totally envision it when we talk…

And he started to tease me, “you are a complete mess now!” He said laughing, “ha-ha!!! Sorry. And you’re soaked… I know you Wendy.” He boasted. If you haven’t already cum, you will soon. Am I right? He wanted to know.

I was just dying of laughter and my kitty was jumping again to be petted. It’s being a long time since my kitty begged so much to play; god… this guy have me staying soaking wet and horny. So still laughing, I said to him…

Yes… I’m definitely a mess but don’t be sorry… Yes Allen … you know me so well. You have that power over me.”

So he said, ‘ok so I’m finished working out… going to take a shower, but first; I’m going to jerk off thinking about my girl.

I was thinking… working out? You were talking to me the whole time.

Anyways I, just responded to his jerking off, “Say what… really? OMG!!! You are plain crazy!” I told him.

Now… the question Wendy… do I have a picture I should look at… or do you have one you want me to look at while I cum? Yes I am crazy… and news flash!!! You are right here with me!” he told me laughing.

I completely misunderstand the picture question; thought he was asking for a naughty picture: so I got a little offensive and say to him, ‘no I don’t have any pictures like that… sorry.’

It doesn’t have to be naughty silly,” he consoles me. “And further, I would think you wouldn’t have anything like that baby… you are really shy.”

Ok I’m sorry, I misunderstood,” I apologize.

And I went searching for a picture of Paige to send to him; don’t know why I would want to do that other than I was trying to please him and give him what he wants…

I am just plain stupid… and so caught in this game of mine and not even thinking about my actions… ignoring what’s been happening… so caught up in the heat of the moment trying to please his fantasy. And I sent him one…

He was trying to explain to me his request, “I just mean something you want me to look at…so you know what I am envisioning…. It’s more for you than me…so you can picture what I am doing… and looking at.”

“Oops!!! Sh….t! OMG!!!! Too late I already send it. This was what I thought after I read his explanation.

I did it again; give him Paige to envision… Oh boy, oh boy oh boy, I can never get it right. I just keep making it worst and worst.

Here I was having this debate with myself with this deceptive game.. trying to figure a way out.. and instead of stopping with all the lies and fabrications.. I continued to play with him..

He was still saying something, “baby… I won’t put you on the spot for dirty pictures, ever. If I was going to it would have been the first night. Now Wendy… I am going to focus on that picture and think about us. And what will you be doing? He asked.

I want to stop talking now; because I just mess up again with the picture and I was not feeling too good about me right now.

So I told him, “oh good, because I have to get ready for work myself… I have had mine while you were fooling with me earlier.” I informed him.

Ok beautiful… he said “sorry I took so much of your time. It’s hard to stop talking once we start. Then he kinda laughed at the fact I have had mine: then he said jokingly, Dammit!! You have to share that kinda stuff.”

I did not comment, because I very was upset with myself…I again give him the envision of Paige; so all I said was, “isn’t that right and I do enjoy it so. [To it’s hard to stop chatting.] “Thank you for sharing you with me sweet Allen”

“Ok pretty girl. Thank you for chatting today, please have a great night at work. You will be in my thoughts as usual. Smile beautiful!!! It’s a perfect smile.”

I GOT SO CAUGHT UP WITH HIS EROTIC SCENARIOS  THAT I AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING WHAT I WAS DOING SENT HIM HIS REQUEST TRYING TO GIVE HIM HIS PLEASURE…  I WAS SO MAD WITH ME… WHAT WAS I DOING… ???

 

Then I remember I wanted to ask for some more picture of him to keep as souvenir and have as memories after I let go of him, which right now I was thinking of again; so I said to him…

One last request before you go?”

Ok shoot,” he replies.

“What I want for Christmas from you is…are some more pictures of you… is that ok with you? I requested.

“Absolutely!! He said happily. ‘I will send you a bunch! I don’t have many on my phone but I will look on my computer and find a bunch. And I will be glad to do that.”

Well bye for now and thank you for giving me this time… you have a good day… I know I will… TTYL MY SWEET AllEN. I ENDED OUR CONVERSATION.

Ttyl beautiful! Have a great day Nita.” He ended.

I went to work very pensive; my mind was working overtime thinking how am I going to end this; I know I have come up with a plan, and although it means losing him, which was causing me excruciating pain with just the thought; I know it has to be done; I did not want to end it… but I am only hurting him more by leading him on longer and I did not want to be selfish and be mean any longer. He is just too sweet and special to keep on deceiving him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE: PART 8b I

I [ this sequence contains some x-rated contents… my apologies to my readers for the inappropriate contents… I included it because i want you to fully understands just how passionately intense our relationship had become… and how much feelings was involved… please enjoy reading..

.                     ***********************************************

 

WOKE UP SMILING AND with STRONG URGES TO FEEL HIM AND A NEED FOR HIM. SO I WROTE TO HIM; HE TOTALLY CONSUMES MY DREAMS;  I WOKE UP WITH A MIND AND HEART FULL WITH HIM…

I was feeling on top the world and I just have to let him know…

“MY Allen I’m having a most wonderful day today…yes I woke up feeling all refreshed; relaxed and renewed. I feel on top of the world and it’s all because of you… I want to apologize for yesterday. I know I was a little off and acting very silly indeed… but you were right there for me saying and doing all the right things… I’m going to stop worrying why it’s happening and enjoy the fact that it is. It feels so good to be love by you… THANK YOU… THANK YOU. Now I will leave you alone.

I found the song “TOP OF THE WORLD” by the carpenters. And send it to him.

“Hello beautiful girl! He says, ‘I hope your day is off to a great start!! I have had an amazing dream that you wouldn’t stop kissing me while I was flying over a bunch of small islands and beautiful ocean and I was laughing and saying ‘baby!!! I can’t see where I ‘m going” and you just laugh and kept on kissing me and said, ‘you better land soon’. It was really sweet. Just want to share it. I love the song, I love that you love older music. It shows that you don’t feel the need to be one of the masses… very refreshing.’

Then he said, “Nita you make it so easy to love you! I hope we keep moving in the same direction because this is an amazing journey and… one I only want with you.”

I know, instead of feeling so jubilant … I should be trying to come up with a way out, but not today… I went through enough of that yesterday already; today, right now, I just want to enjoy him to the fullest, and live for the moment.

‘Love the dream… I told him. “It’s exactly what I would do if and when I see you and much more. Well you have a great day. Gotta work today because I’m off for Christmas… hope you don’t have to work?’

And yes… if I had the chance to be with him; and with all this fiery; hot and blazing desire I have for him, he would not be able to do anything because I would be all over his sweet ass.

“No work for me today”, he said. ‘Just taking care of a bunch of personal things… is getting ready for the holidays. Have a great day at work beautiful!!! Talk to you soon.”

“May be tonight after work? I asked. “Think you will be up? This is becoming quite the habit… me rushing home to be with you.” I told him.

“I like the habit! But please be safe ok? He asked of me. ‘I might be up, I’m not sure I have to pick up some people at the airport at 10, so I’ll be up late anyway… please have a great day my beautiful girl!!! And Wakanita please smile! It’s so pretty you should share it as much as you can!

I know he was referring to Paige; but I did not want to think about her; right now everything he says to me belongs to me; I was not willing to share him with anybody, not right now, not today. So I was that beautiful and pretty girl he was talking to; as far I as was concern.

So I told him, ‘I’m smiling… only for you though… ok I will give you a break tonight; you probably going to be tired anyways. I’ll just go to sleep and met you there. It’s so amazing;you consume my day and night… I think of you all day and then you take over my dreams. You are constantly with me; am I becoming obsessive? I ask. But boy… am I enjoying this!!…and is so happy to know that you are fully encouraging me with your sweet responses; sweet AllEN you are an enabler. The best kind and I just love you so.”

Wow! He exclaimed. ‘You write so sweet baby. It would be very hard to get enough of you! And I promise we are in the same exact place at the same exact time! Please text whenever you’d like. My entire soul lights up when I read anything from you. You will set the pace and I will be patient. But eagerly waiting for anything you send..I hope one day soon we can chat on the phone and I can put a voice to your beautiful persona… oh and I can’t wait to hear you cum for me!!!! That will be super hot! Just sayin…”

I burst out laughing; I was laughing so hard with the thought of him hearing my Whoos and my sex talk….

I find him so hilarious and crazy, crazy good. and what was that he said,”MY ENTIRE SOUL LIGHTS UP WHEN I READ ANYTHING FROM YOU…” that leaves a huge smile 😃 on my face..

“You have me laughing so hard,” I let him know. “I do hope I will be able to live up to your expectation and imaginations,’ I told him. And I wish I could see them through your eyes… they seems like so much fun.”

Baby… that will be the easy part! He told me.

“Still laughing,” I tell him. I was so tickled I could not stop laughing.

He then went on to assure me of his character,

“I know you are nervous but I’m really easy to talk to and a good read of character… I’m also never pushy… I have a strong personality and can be tough if needed, but I’m compassionate and won’t put you on the spot often… That being said I know the thought of you Cumming over the phone messed you up! And got you a little excited too… am I right?

I started to laugh again. He has me cracking up; I couldn’t control my laughter.

Yeah!’ I told him. How can you make me feel so good and horny all the time? Is this normal? I ask him.

Yes, it’s perfect!! He said. “So if we take the next step and you decide we can talk… I promise I won’t mess you up… at first I will be a gentleman.”

So that’s the next step… I asked. ‘voice talk, I’m not too good with verbal conversation… you see, the good thing about texting, I can choose what I say by deleting if it doesn’t sound right.”

Yes I’ve watched you do it many times! It’s okay baby… I’m easy to talk to and practice makes perfect!!! I’m never going to judge and I will always be patient love.

He was truly a most amazing man and somehow I believe everything that he was saying to me; I sound so gullible; but I honestly think he is very straightforward not being overly conceited. (and of course … because I was so emotionally attached to him.. everything he says seems so damn impressive… funny how the mind works in connections to what the heart feels.)

Ok? Are you ready for this? He asked

I don’t know,’ I said. Wondering what am I suppose to be ready for, so I waited…

And here it comes; “I can’t wait to tease you sexually…strip you naked… kiss you super deep and then strip myself down so you can see my hard cock ready for you… then… slide down your body nice and slow and kiss the inside of your legs and around your pussy… suck and lick all around it while I’m telling exactly what I’m going to do with you…get close enough to your clit so you can feel my warm breath… but no touching… when I’m ready and you are going to explode… I will take you in my mouth.”

I think I climax while reading that; my kitty was jumping up and down all ready to play, and so I oblige and give her what she was begging for. I could visualize every thing he was describing…

Oh wow! I said, ‘believe it or not I can actually picture it; and my kitty is purring for some.’ I told him.

I did not let him know I cum about three times in less than a minutes just by visualizing and reading his text. this is the same girl who was shying away from all sexual suggestions that i lied about being a virgin… but… my desires have become so damn intense that all my senses becomes so heighten whenever he is talking to me that I now welcome  and embrace his sexual advances  and even as much as enjoying his scenarios he set for me…

And so he continued to tantalize and tease me with his words; ‘and you will cum huge for your man… and then I will eat every drop of you… and get you ready for more…I will softly tell you what is going to happen next while I gently massage your swollen clit…with my tongue and then the head of my hard cock…talking softly… till you say please, let me have it now baby… and then I will tease you a little more and then fill you full of my hard throbbing cock for the second load…

Wheeew…. Ooooh! I was more than ready for that hard throbbing cock… I was completely turned on and my kitty was jumping even more… my whole body was set ablaze for the need of him… it’s like he went in my mind and knew exactly how I like to be loved; tease and being tantalized;… and I again reach the height of ecstasy…

if only I get just one day with this guy, just one day… but again only in my dreams, because I’m not Paige and because I have to let go of him… soon.

So I told him, ‘you are just too much, you are driving me crazy.’

But he was not finished with me yet,

“after you explode all over my cock… I will ask you to do something kinky… and I hope you will oblige.’

OMG!! What you are you doing to me?’ I asked. Something kinky???? Am I ready for this?

So he proceeds to tell me.”I will ask you to lick some of your kitty juices off my cock and keep it on your tongue and then kiss me deep and let me taste your mouth and pussy at the same time… I want both.”

Oh I know you will love that.” I informed him. “and so would I….”

Then he said the most charming thing, “I want to taste the cum we make with the most passionate kiss I dream of… how could it get better than that… my sexy girl’s passion.”

It couldn’t… nope…. I was so turned on that I thought it was so hott…

So I told him, ‘you have the best imagination ever.”

Then he has the nerves to ask me “I have you mess up? Don’t I?

He knew it….

For sure,” I told him. “You purposely did it… you…

Then he is acting all sorry… when I know he was probably laughing and getting a kick out of it.

“I’m sorry! You get me all fired up pretty girl! And I just start saying exactly what’s on my mind.’

I let him know…. “You know I would be all gamed,” ..: you know exactly how much you affect me and how much sexual energy you transmit…”

I have come to the point where just the thought of him provoke a strong sexual stimulation … and when connecting I can sense him as if he’s next to me… that my whole being is ignite with this electrifying desire…

I know pretty girl!!” He said. “And all of this and more will happen if you choose more. I’m very spontaneous in bed and will please you in a ton of different ways, I hope. And I’m super visual… So I will want to look at you! Take you in… feel you with all my senses.”

I was feeling him with all my senses right now… and sure wish I could choose more. I want more…

And I sit there reading what he is saying and I start to cry … because I found him… I did…. This man… this most marvelous man of my dreams… he is everything I have always wanted in a man… and I’m here hiding behind little Paige; and now I can’t even claim none of this… him… and I wonder… would he like me or feel this way if he knew it was me….

Nay…no… he wouldn’t… I doubt it.

“Really I hope you won’t be too disappointed.” I told him.

Nita, please don’t worry baby…” he said reassuringly. “We have a natural chemistry that will guide us in the right direction… I’m certain.

The chemistry is there for sure, but…

“We definitely have chemistry and it’s leading me.. sweet Allen … and I want more.. more of you…” I then told him,

He says,” oh really.” Nothing forced baby… it’s always better earned.”

So I finished explaining what I meant. “Doing and saying all the right things; you know how to keep me right there.”

So he told me, ‘I want you to know in your mind that you making a great decision… in every step we make… some might be scary but that it is a good thing! It can still be a great decision!”

I started to feel guilty and bad; he sounds so sincere….

but I shake it off;

No… I thought… not now ….I don’t want to go there; not today.

And I’m thinking really hard about it.’ I told him.” And although you said you are not pushing or forcing… every time we talk you makes me feel better about us.”

“Take your time sweet girl. I will be here! One step at a time.. Maybe a phone thing is next… then we meet on your terms… For lunch… or a flight… or a flight to lunch! Your call… and we just go from there.”

Sounds so enticing.” I told him. “I’m actually anticipating a flight with you. You create such a great picture for me.” {And I was; I wish I could say yes to his proposition}

Either way… “He was saying. “Our pace is your discretion, ok pretty girl? We can stay right here as texting friends as long as you need…. And omg! Am I looking forward to flying with you! I’d love our first date to be a flight… that would be epic! And something we would never forget… don’t you think?”

I was so caught up in the moment and with his suggestion that I almost forget it is not possible; I was getting and feeling all excited about going on a flight with him. And as he said, “that would be epic.”

I think for sure.” I would definitely love that.. it would be a first for me”….I told him. “It would definitely be something else.”{How I wish I could}

I WAS TAKEN BACK TO REALITY AGAIN.. . AND I FEEL A SADNESS COME OVER ME… I’M JUST FOOLING MY SELF AND MAKING A FOOL OF ME AND WORSE … MAKING A BIGGER FOOL OF ALLEN; I BELIEVE HE GENUINELY AND SINCERELY  LOVE ME.. but… I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO END THIS GAME … AND THE TRUTH BE TOLD… I’M LOVING EVERY MOMENT I GET THE CHANCE  TO SPEND WITH HIM…

BUT HOW CAN I CONTINUE TO DECEIVE HIM KNOWING ITS NO WAY I CAN MAKE THIS RIGHT AGAIN.. NO WAY I CAN JUSTIFY THIS DECEPTION..NO WAY OUT OF THIS LIE I CREATED…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE: GAINING ONE’S FAVOR…

…. coming home from my church group one Saturday evening.. I met this guy on the bus..he was really nice and we really connected.. so before my stop he invited me to the movies and I accepted…

So the Saturday we had our date.. of course we took the bus..

Can’t recall if I had told anyone about this date but when he came to pick me up.. of course … all knew… I fully enjoyed his company and he kindly dropped me off home..

I waited with him to get the next bus.. and while we were waiting he asked me if I mind him kissing me…of course I was very bashful..

But I told him yes.. and there goes my first kiss..

Well next morning was church so I got got ready and go ask my stepmom for bus fare.. SMH 🤦‍♀️….

My stepmom turned to me quite angrily and told me that I should go and ask the man I went out with last night… I mumbled something under my breath in defense… walking away from her… pouting..

I break the news of my decision to join the nunnery to my dad… and for the first time my dad sit me down and talk to me..

We sat there for almost two hours.. he lectured me on the cons of being a nun and let me know by all means that he doesn’t approve of me making the choice to become a nun..

One of his reasons were.. it was a waste of life… he promised me if I changed my mind which he strongly recommended.. that he would pay for any school of my choice…

I really loved my dad.. and I always yearn for his approval and I want to please him so much that I agreed and told him that I will follow his suggestions.. he really thought my decision was based on me being home and became bored…

So next day I set out to find me a school.. I didn’t have a clue.. but I chose one and he lived up to his promise and pay for my enrollment…

Well my life took off on another journey…

I met this man became intimately involved.. and over the next few years… I started to spiral out of control.. of course I was alone in my world.. my stepmom still treats me with so much indifference and ignored me more than not..

Whenever she address for whatever reason.. it was always in a negative way.. very unkind and very mean… I have learnt to ignore her as well.. she and my older sister became inseparable.. my little sister.. I didn’t have clue what she was doing…

I was home when I went in labor.. it was 11 at night… my father took me to the hospital.. but didn’t stay… I was alone.. my baby father was not in my life then.. so he was not aware of me having the baby…

I continued to do things without the interference of anyone.. and only my dad would sometimes observe my behavior and would call me and asked me adjust my attitude …

I got pregnant with my oldest son.. at 23…I lived with my husband up to seven months then moved back home…

It took me 24 hours in labor before my son was born.. and the last hour my stepmom decided to come be with me… she was there for his birth..

I got back together with my husband after I had our son… but he was American and after a year and a half he decided to come back home.. leaving us behind…

I was very hurt 😞 and I had to find work to maintain my baby… surprisingly my stepmom offers to babysit fo me while I go to work… I was very appreciative but somehow lacking in showing it..

I ended up working three jobs… leaving early in the morning.. and coming home late at nights.. I took much disadvantage of my stepmom and of my dad’s kindness…I did abuse them…

My stepmom however never complained about my absence.. my dad however mentioned it a few times letting me know that I need to spend some time with my son…

Back then.. I defended my actions.. with reassurance that he is well taken care of..

( sometimes I wish I could turn back time…and be more attentive to my baby… I just couldn’t see the damage it was causing my son)

So I started to appreciate her for doing this for me… she didn’t have to… although our relationship did not improve much.. she would negative comments about my parenting… but never sit me down and advise me how to improve and be a better mom…

( looking back.. I really think she wanted me to fail…she wanted to prove that I was not capable or responsible enough to be a mom)

This went on for the next three years when we lost my dad to an heart attack…

He was the glue that holds our family together and with his sudden death.. we all fell apart…

It has a very huge impact on me.. I lost one whole year.. I went through it in a daze.. and I can’t remember one single event in that year.. it’s a complete blank..

He died November 1991.. and next thing I remember was 1993….

….TO BE CONTINUED…..

The next era of my existence…

Through The Eyes Of An Old Man:

This poem was written by an old who died in a nursing home…

After he died;

Amongst the patients belongings, memories of an entire life, they ( the nurses)found this poem:

SEE ME:

What do you see nurses? What do you see?

What are you thinking, when you look at me?

A cranky old man, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice, the things that you do.

And forever is losing… a sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open you eyes, nurse. You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen, with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now, a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at twenty, my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows, that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide, and a secure happy home.

A man of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other, with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me, to see that I don’t mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play ’round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my wife is now dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years, and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man, and nature is cruel,

It’s jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone, where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young man still dwells,

And now and again, my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living, life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see:

Not a cranky old man,

Look closer, see ME!”

Never assume that the elderly gent next to you doesn’t see things any more. He lives and feels just like you do. In every aging body lives a spirit that wants to remain young, even when that body doesn’t cooperate the way it once did. Remember the words of this old man and whenever you see an elderly person, treat him or her the way they deserve to be treated.

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE: … GAINING ONE’S FAVOR…..

AGE 12 to 18

ALONE IN MY WORLD….

I was 12 years old when she decided to include me on the family trip to her home town… I have long decided I don’t ever wanted to go anymore.. I have cried and anguish for the past three years… for always getting left behind…

I hold out and I would not leave the house and get into that car…she tried to convince one more time…. but I refuse to budge or change my my mind… I said I will stay with grandma.. but dad was present so as much as she was annoyed she dared not abuse me in front of him…

She just walked outside and tell him to go get me because Im refusing to get in the car… my dad came in and sternly tell me to get in the car now..

I begged him to let me stay with my grandma… because I didn’t want to go… he again… very aggressively say…” get your ass in that car now and stop with your nonsense “…. and with that tone …I reluctantly get up and get into the car..

Of course I was placed in the middle.. and I sat there sobbing.. he turned around annoyingly and tell me to shut up with that crying…of course I tried.. because we all feared my dad…

My sisters started to jeered me .. and I angrily lashed out at them with one of my cuss words.. of course my stepmom reacted to this and turned to me and said.. you better not take that with you … she gives me a very angry look but didn’t say much more because of she didn’t want my dad to know exactly how badly she mistreats me..

(But.. she was not fooling him by a long shot… he knew… he always knew… but I wouldn’t have realized this until a few years later… when he address her attitude towards me… and ask her to just stop with always picking on me for everything..)

I was one sad and unhappy girl all the way there… and when we reached I again refused to get out of the car.. my dad threatened me with a whooping if I didn’t stop with my attitude.. I started to cry again…

Everyone filtered into the house leaving me in the car sobbing my eyes out… and then this man walks up to the door and said..

“ hey pretty girl.. why are out here crying 😭… and who are you…???!!! Come on inside pretty girl .. it’s alright…”

And surprisingly I stop sobbing.. I smiled.. and I got out and went with him… he calls me pretty…. and it felt so good.. someone thinks I’m pretty….just a little kindness.. just a little gentleness… that’s all it took…and all of a sudden …..I found me a friend.. I was in love 🥰…

….(the next few years because of that one gesture that gentleman.. my stepmom brother… became my most favorite person.. I built up an unhealthy crush on him… my dad observed and noticed it… and intervened a few times when he noticed that I was drawn to this man for all the wrong reasons….. this feeling I had for him was encouraged by him… and lingers on till the day he dies… my stepmom never even realize what was happening right under her nose…because she didn’t even see me.. only time I was ever noticed by her is when I was a nuisance the her and she was chewing me out for being so damn retarded…

I was in my teens when her dad and mom decided to relocate back home… from England…

We were sitting in the living room awaiting their arrival from the airport.. they walked in.. and she started to introduce us children… it was the first Time her mom and dad was meeting us…

When she pointed in my direction and say my name.. her mom immediately replied… “I never heard of this one before… so you have three stepchildren not two…” I then realized that she was so ashamed to even acknowledge me as her stepdaughter that she has hidden me from her family…

I can never remember a kind word from her during my teenage years..when I was fifteen..and my little sister.. she was nine… she was my stepmom first child.. only daughter… she was a beautiful girl…and we were close for a long time… but.. one morning we were getting ready to go to school…

And somehow we developed a tiff .. can’t recall what happened.. or what it was we were fighting for..

But…

This argument led to to tell me that her mom.. says.. that she is better than us.. ( four girls)…. she is prettier.. brighter… smarter… ect. Ect..ect..

So I just let her know that if that’s the case.. then I don’t have to talk to her ever again… and that is just what I did … over the next six years till the day she lost her life at age 16…. I never uttered one word to her…. I was 21 and moved out of the house by then..

During those years though I found myself in a state of solitude and secluded myself by writing ✍️ my diary 📔 or getting lost in novels.. and books… or listening to country music…

I was so quiet .. I never had nothing to say…everyone was happy to just ignore me and shut me out… I silently went through my emotions always seeking out the company of my step uncle… I had no friends…I didn’t know how to socialize… I lacked confidence.. I lacked self esteem….

I hated myself.. I hated my life.. I hated the world… I was so sad.. very unhappy.. I sunk into depression…and I continued on this pathetic self pitied attitude until I was eighteen… and reading one day I came across this article that states… only you can make you happy.. .. only you can choose to be… only you can can be responsible for your happiness….

No one can hurt your feelings unless you allow them to…you are in Control of your emotions… and a few more inspirational thoughts… I then started to collect these quotes and live by them…

And these words uplifted me and I started to grow from them….. I was in world of my own.. I totally shut out everyone… I used to go off to secluded areas.. to write and express my feelings… and not one of them ever misses me out of the house… I was like completely invisible… which was fine with me…

I finished school… I didn’t do too well mainly because I couldn’t write so well… I learned later on that my writing was affected by my attitude and my insecurities…

My dad looks at the results of my exams and when he observed all the D’s… remarks..

“ D is for dunce “….

This hurts me so badly that I cried so hard…again feeling sorry for myself.. that I can never please him..

For the next year I stayed home my only outlet was church.. and books.. we used to have this church club which I was a member… I used to attend retreats and everything offers… it became my way out of the house and to be amongst people who seems to like me…

I was so into it that I decided I wanted to become a nun…

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7c

MY SWEET ALLEN

SERENDIPITY

AND AS I WAS THERE TRYING TO ABSORB IT ALL… AND TRYING TO VALIDATE MY REASONS FOR NOT WALKING AWAY FROM THIS DECEPTION… SELFISHLY JUSTIFYING LEADING HIM ON… HE KINDLY AND LOVINGLY WAS TRYING TO SHOW ME WHY WE WOULD BE GOOD TOGETHER…

 

“Yes I love you… Love is a perfect feeling… we have that right? That is how I define it.” He answered.

“And what about my lack of exposure?” I again asked.

‘My world will evolve…I will make things happen as they need to baby…I am capable of many things… but most of all. I am a pleaser… So I make the people I love happy.’ He has me know.

You are up there and I am down here.” I say to him.

No silly,” he said. “Nobody is up or down… it’s just timing…and I am a space planner for a living! I’ve got this! 

Black or white? I asked. 

He laughed at me, “ha-ha!!! No such thing! It’s all grey scale.

I sent him two more smiley faces; . “You got this… I said to him. “You are so funny and I love it.”

“Perfect!” He exclaimed. “So trust me baby…. The sky isn’t the limit! I am a pilot.

And I sat there reading all this stuff he is saying and I don’t have one thing to contribute; and I am wondering… how does he come up with all this? How does he find all the right words to convince me and to reassure me…? I did not even remember that a minute ago I was disturbed and apprehensive. He has a way with me… He knows exactly what to say to put my mind at ease. And again I was I awe of him.

And so I said to him, “are you from this planet?”

We will be perfect baby… he was assuring me, “but I promise I will not rush anything ok.” And then he laughed, “Ha-ha! Yes I am an earthling.

 Then I agree with him that the sky is the limit.( I misread… )“Because you are out of this world” I told him.

I really was just sitting there admiring him and wondering if everything that he is saying, he means. He can’t be this nice and sensitive and just plain wonderful, But, he is; And he still can’t be mine; and how I wanted him to be mine ;{ God let me have him I pray}

I was so blinded by my intense emotions and my raging desires… and all I was feelings was this profound admiration and love ❤️ for a man I don’t hardly know … only just his words.. But… right now… all that matters is him.. and this most awesome connection I can’t explain….

Now Nita… he called me… don’t be silly… Nita…

Oh my!” I said

he made some suggestive comments…

“Really?  “I ask him back.

I need to know my girl come huge before she went to bed.” He told me.

 I have already taken care of that earlier’ I informed him.

“So think of having……. (he continued with his suggestions)

OMG! I squeal.

And you will again! He told me. “And oh man!!! That is hot!

I’m actually feeling like it again.” I informed him. “You better stop because I’m going to explode with pleasure.”

Then he gave it to me,” so think about me between your legs ……..(and in great  depth.. he gave me details of what he would do with me…) give your man our passion…. I need to swallow you.”

He is so goood at this; I thought. So I told him, “You should write an erotic book”

I wanted so much to join in with him.. but didn’t wanna blow my deception… so I let him seduce me wholeheartedly and I love ❤️ every word… every detail of his erotic scenarios…

He laughed at my comment,”Hahaha!! Cum for me baby,’ he begged.

So I told him, “okay I’m Cumming!’  and he continued… He was still saying. Good girl!!!! I love it.”

You are so bad! “I said of him. But goood for me.”

Nita, ‘he called my name, “I’m jerking off.” He let me know.

“Oh my” I said

Oh’… I said again with pleasure

we have a little sexual session and he took me to heights I never knew I could reach virtually.. I kinda forget in that moments about all my struggles to walk away.. I was having so much fun.. and just enjoying the sexual energy that we were experiencing …

And the app locked up!!! It was amazing to cum together.  He let me know. “Ok pretty girl let’s sleep… night sweet girl … sorry I kept you up!

Oh please don’t be … I told him. ‘The pleasure was all mines… night sweet Allen… love you.

Night Nita… and I love you too!

How hearing those words warms my heart and let me beam with delight

And we ended our conversation.

I went to sleep a little troubled but relaxed from our little session.  (It’s so funny 😂 how very quickly I forget that I didn’t want any sexual insinuations.. but….my desires for it was so intense… and he knew it.. ) My mind was still at war with the decision of us. I was still a little surprised to know he is in love with me…I was feeling on the top of the world knowing this..

But back to realityI have to let him go but

Every time I thought of him gone it gives me an enormous anxiety attack.  But how can I  lead him on much longer; I started to feel very guilty about my actions ..

But I know, losing him is actually the only choice I had. I knew he would never like me no matter what; I look at me in the mirror; he doesn’t see my face…I gave him the vision of Paige

I could not see how or where he would ever consider me;  It did not make me feel too good.

I drift off to sleep with mixed feelings…intoxicatingly happy…and yet so sad…

He loves me…. I love him…

but…

I can’t hold on to him… 


To BE CONTINUED…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GROWING IN ONE’S LIKE…. GAINING ONE’S FAVOR….

This story is of a sensitive nature… it’s of a very personal perspective and although not intended to offend… the intended participants and the source of this episode of my life… will definitely be affected and it will cause animosity and tensions to our relationship…

This episode of my life is told as seen through my eyes… and may not be received or be accepted as the truth by the intended source of sorrow and total anguish … both mental and physical…

But …

As much as I know it will trudged up feelings of negativity and May severed our connection .. and causes hurt 😔 feelings..

I feel I need to tell my story and get out all this bottled up emotions… relating to how I keep trying as long as I remembered … to win her likes.. to have her starting to accept me… to gain some favor from her..

And so the story begins…

AGE 9 to 12

NEW BEGINNINGS …

….. A SAD 😔 END.

I was only nine years old when my mom died.. I have an older sister of one and a half years… and a younger sister of three years in between…

We were much too young to understand the reasons and we didn’t have much questions… our father wasn’t a presence in our home..

He has moved on years before and lived with another woman.. I know because I would hear my mom crying 😢 night after night..

And I would observe and listen as mom would tell and relate her story to anyone who would be willing to listen… and as young as I was …I was very sensitive to her sorrows and woes… I never knew her but I sure built up this great resentment for the woman who causes my mom to cry…

My mom was admitted in the hospital a couple of weeks before she actually died.. and my grandma 👵 ( my father’s mom) and my youngest aunt came over to babysit us while she was away…

My aunt was a year younger than me so I got a playmate… it was a Sunday morning when mom decided to say goodbye to this world…

My older sister went to see her and my aunt and me decided to go visit this nearby church… we were in the middle of the service when someone came and pulled us out.. thus breaking the news to us…

I can’t remember my exact reaction… I don’t think I even fully understood what was happening.. until a long time after..

My mom’s sister and brother was there.. and even her mom… They asked if they could take me along with them and I was more than willing to go… my grandma took my two sisters with her back to her home which my dad shared….

I spent the next week with my uncle and my other grandma.. until my dad sent my sister to fetch me…

How I cried and pleaded to stay with my grandma 👵… but my father would not allow it… and so I was forced to leave with my sister … I cried all the way home to my fathers house…

I just didn’t want to go live with the woman 👩 who made my mom died..( I got this from my uncle and aunt and my other grandma…). I was convinced it was true and I hated her without even knowing her..

And so this started the strain relationship between us… But….one look at me and the feeling was mutual.. she couldn’t stand the sight of me.. I was a very puny… skinny… awful looking child.. I stuttered.. I was clumsy… I was awkward….and most of all I was very defensive… and uses cuss words as a defensive mechanism to ward off everyone who tries to tease me or make fun at me…

Which was my life existence thus far… and causes me to retract into a shell or a cocoon… trying to hide and resist every attempt made on me… I was just overly sensitive and could never see the humor in any of it .. which makes them more eager to poke fun at me…

Her distaste for me comes out In her being mean to me.. she lacks patient when it comes to me… she uses every opportunity to treat me with indifference.. and to make matters worse… I was bed wetter… Ooh 😮 how this Erks her and give all the more excuse to scold me… with the most awful words…

Everything I do was always wrong in her eyes.. I could never seems to please her… she expects the worst and I always seems to deliver and live up to her expectations… I used fumble a lot mostly because of nervousness.. Maybe I was just scared of being screamed at…or I was just trying so hard to get it right… and of course I was always a klutz.. so the more I tried the worse I was..

I came to her …disliking her.. and resenting her for losing my mom… but as a child you don’t hang on to the same feelings for too long…

So ….. after a while I tend to lose that feeling and replace it with the longing for affection.. I miss my mom something fierce.. and I long to feel loved again… especially when I observed how she dotes and loved on her biological babies ..

And sometimes I would try to hug on to her … but she pushes me away with such force as if she finds me repulsive… (which she actually did) after a few more attempts with the same results , I felt hurt by her unkind rejection… so I stopped… realizing that she doesn’t want me to touch her or be close to her….

….(you know as a child.. you can’t comprehend the actions of adults and analyze their attitude and their reasons for doing what they do…here I was trying to get her to like me… not fully understanding her reasons for not liking me as she does my other siblings….)

The next three years was a challenge for me… I felt so alone.. my sisters completely ignored me… they tease me.. laugh at me… poke fun at me… and leave me out of everything.. I was never included in anything… I just couldn’t fit in no matter how I tried to…

I was always left behind.. or left out.. and as much as I beg to be apart of whatever they were doing.. the answer was always nooo!!!!!

My stepmom was from another parish and all her family was there… holidays like summer.. Christmas.. she would visit… and she would take everyone including my little aunt all except me.. those first three years.. how I begged and begged to go with them..

I would cry my little eyes out not fully comprehending the reason she never includes me… my little mind have so many thoughts.. most of which I felt so unloved… so unwanted… so alone.. and I hate the world and everyone in it even my father who never said a thing.. but just allow this treatment towards me…

I became more bitter.. more angry… more distant.. I completely withdrew.. I stop talking… I stayed by myself..

I got even more vulgar with my cussing.. I would adamantly refuses all contacts verbally… which of course always result in scolding and whopping… I would only cry and do it for the worst…

….(ooh man when we are a child we don’t realize how our retaliation only results in affecting us for the worst or that we are only hurting ourselves….)

Because of her treatment towards me … my attitude and behavior only escalated… which results in giving her valid reasons for treating me the way she does… and maan did she takes such joy in mistreating me … I was never included in anything or go anywhere with her…

Her one and only excuse is that… I have a filthy mouth and she doesn’t want to be embarrassed… but… her real reason for being embarrassed is how I looked and how retarded I was… (this is how she always sees me)…..

…..( my father also always sees me as an invalid and was overly protective thinking I wasn’t able to do anything…and I guess would agree that I was somewhat of a retard… I was sick as a baby and I didn’t walk until I was about three... I was always unsteady on my feet.. causing me to fall lot.. I lacked motor skills coordination. Thus causing my clumsiness and awkwardness…)

If only she had stop to realize that it was just me putting a wall up in defense for being totally rejected by everyone…. especially her..

If and when she has to address me.. especially when dad is not around… she was very aggressive and so so impatient.. if I didn’t come fast enough or answer quickly enough.. she would always be so mean…

Only you.. her favorite line… “ it can only be you…” I couldn’t never do or say anything right in her eyes… I was never a big eater and I was very skinny…

She would get so so mad at me for not eating everything on my plate.. “ look at you???!!”… she’d say.. you let people think I am not feeding you and that you live far from the kitchen…

How I miss my mom… why did she have to die??!!! Why am I so unlovable… why am I so ugly.. and weak…??!!! Why can’t she love me too!!!!

I just never realized that I was self destructive with my attitude… with my bitterness.. with my hatred.. with my anger…

I was in constant battle to win favor and grow into her likes.. but.. it was a losing battle because she made up her mind not to like me… so much that nobody in her immediate family knew that I existed…

TO BE CONTINUED….

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7

so I woke up feeling so refreshed…I was feeling good with myself and full of life:  I had a night full of dreams of Allen;  he has taken over my whole being; he was the only thing  I was capable of thinking of…

As soon as I got up…I had to let him know exactly what I was feeling and how he was impacting my mood…So I wrote to him,

“Good morning to you my Allen…. Well after we stop talking, I went back to those final texts of yours… you knew I would have… and relive every word… I drifted off to sleep imagining you beside me and I swear could feel you, I close my eyes and went to a dream living every word you wrote… you are rocking my world Allen, with only your words. My night was filled with your passion. You have awakened something in me I never knew existed and if I can feel this way by merely fantasizing and merely imagining ????… you are blowing my mind…. And everything that goes with it… as I texts my heart is going a mile an hour. I’m really messed up… but it light up my face with this silly smile and I’m so excited for more… much much more of you.”

I did not stop there, though ……

“you know … I wish I could find the right words to express exactly how you make me feel… like you do… you have such a great way of saying and explaining your feelings… you put words on paper like an artist that capture a scenery on canvas… all in all Allen… I’m loving us.. This… whatever it is… and talking about blowing up phone????… you can blow up mine anytime though.” 

And then I asked him,” btw… I want you to find that song and really listen to it and think of me… it is about everything you have said to me… if I did not know better, I would think you wrote it… this is reason I thought of it … it mirrors every word you said to me… this would be the song I want to be playing while we make passionate and explosive love.’[I wanna take forever in your arms)

I didn’t know it, but I was fully blown in love, I did not want to think it; and right there right now all that matters was how I was feeling; I did not stop to think of the consequences of all my declaration  of feelings and how I was leading on ‘MY SWEET Allen’. I was ecstatic and full of exhilaration; and I yearn for more… more of him, and that was all I could think of.

I did not hear from him until 3:30 that evening; I was getting ready to go to work, and was very happy and so thrilled to get that text,

“Well what amazing story to plug into!!! I thought for sure you would not text me till tonight. Man was I wrong, and my god, am I happy, I was! I’m glad you can feel me so perfectly through our words! I can feel you too beautiful. I love the way all this feels and it is having such a amazing and profound effect on my entire day! I’m happier than I’ve been in forever and anxiously waiting for more. This is a beautiful connection Nita… our hearts are in harmony. What a perfect gifts for the holidays!

And he continues to say, “I hope you are having a great day so far and I plan on staying up tonight so we can talk if you would like to. If this how good we feel in written words I can only imagine the emotional and physical connect waiting for us, if you choose to go further Wendy. So do me a favor pretty girl… smile! You wear it so well. I can’t wait to one day see that beautiful smile in person… I have a feeling I will be silly a lot just to get you laughing and smiling.”

I’m reading what he is saying .. I am smiling.. my heart is bursting with joy as I read his words of love

…….and all of a sudden it hit me… all this joy and happiness I am feeling  can’t be mine…  and it was  as if my light went out. And I was left thinking… I need to get out… but I choked up with just the thought of losing him. I did not know what to do or how to do it.

Anyway…’ he said, ‘now I’m blowing you up!! Ha-ha! Well I hope you have a nice day at work and you stay busy so it goes by fast.” Talk soon beautiful!!!

So I said to him, ‘getting ready as we speak…Profound is the word I was thinking this morning… I was amazed at this profound joy I have and get just thinking about you; I can’t believe you are feeling this way too. Anyways, gotta get to work, until tonight… have fun at the Christmas party and save the last dance for me.”

Awwww!!!’ he said, ‘you one every dance pretty girl! You seem to be all I can think about or want! Have a great night Wakanita! Talk later I hope.

I left for work a little apprehensive and perturbed; if he is reciprocating my emotions then I am doing him wrong; I know how strongly I was feeling; and obviously he is feeling with the same intensity

I have to find a way to tell him or stop this. I was getting very upset wit the thought of not ever reading his loving words again

I could not bear the thought but I know it has to be done; and he is such a sweet and wonderful guy; he does not deserve this. The tears were starting and on many occasion I had to brush them away. I was not having good a night at all

I kept thinking of what he had said and how elated he sounded; he was feeling and having the same exact emotions I was; it was so amazing to me, In all my life and of all my affairs; husbands and all; I never felt this kind of superb connection before; and I love it…. And I need it… and I just can’t have it. It can’t be mine… because I am not Paige and I don’t look like Paige.

Regrets start to enter my mind… asking myself why did I start with this deception

How did I get here… he has gotten so important to me and I have become so emotionally invested

 I had mixed feeling all day long one minute I was getting all excited and overly anxious to get home so I could talk to him and feel some more of this ecstatic emotions; next minute I was all agitated and frantic because I  know I have to let him go. But until I come up with a plausible reason to back out, I’ll continue to enjoy him for as long as I can make it last.

(And this is where I’m messing up.. prolonging an affair that’s impossible to maintain… just so I can enjoy him.. while playing this horrific game of deception..)

So when I got home I anxiously wrote him excitingly; almost forgetting my struggle and agony; all I wanted and all I could think of… was just to feel connect to him, so I said…

“Hey lover!!! Are you up? Just got in from work: it was truly a long day waiting with anticipation to get home so we can talk. At one point I started to get overly anxious… boy you have me real good. So how was your evening? Did you enjoy the party?’ 

“I had to fight to stay focused and a few times I found myself drifting off thinking about you and all that you have said to me.”

I was not getting back any response so I figure my Allen has fallen asleep. I continued to tell him what was going through my mind,

“I particularly like what you said ..you are the happiest than you have been in forever, and that our hearts are in harmony. If you were close I would wrap my arms around you in the tightest hug I could and hold you as close as closely as I can.’

I told him.

I wanted him to know I was having the same euphoric feelings and how very delighted I was to know that he was right there with me; it is most terrific thing to know that you are loved the same way that you love. I have never experienced this; and it was so phenomenal.

Anyways I did not get a response so I try to watch a little TV but could not fully focus, so I try to sleep, of course I could not either;  so at about 4:30 he sent me a text.

“Hey beautiful!! I just woke up and checked my phone… I fell asleep waiting for you, I really wanted to chat. Guess I am just way too tired… anyway… I want to tell you that I’ve had an amazing dreams tonight about us and the night isn’t over!!! So yeah… I can’t wait for more! And Wakanita …. I’d love any contact what so ever… I think when we touch it will validate our feelings and make things so real… so I want anything you want tonight…. I’m going back to sleep so I can be with you again. I hope you wake up, read this and smile! Knowing how much you are cared for and adored!”

My god!! I was smiling so widely and I was so touched by his feelings for me;

I’m smiling,” I said to him.

But he was still talking,

“I can’t tell you how much I love that you are losing focus and drifting to us… I’m totally doing the same thing… whether it’s us holding hands or kissing or making love… it’s just all good and all amazing thoughts of what might be… and that fills my mind with so much love and optimism….so Nita… thank you… thank you for making me feel so alive. Goodnight sweet girl. I hope you are sleeping perfect with sweet dreams”

When I read that last part… I felt a rush of emotional sensation; and tears come to my eyes. He is sensing my emotions again and it’s like he was telling me, exactly what I was feeling and thinking. He was echoing my every thoughts and desires. I could not believe how much in tune we were. 

Perfect!!!’ He said to me, ‘go back to sleep beautiful; night sweetheart.’

I dozed off too. Night Allen, I told him, ‘but now I’m awake and full of excitement.’

And then he told me the most incredible thing; “WAKANITA… I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.”

Oh my’!! I exclaimed. ‘Really? I asked.

 I couldn’t think for a moment; I did not quite expected him to drop that “L” bomb; but he did and it exploded and I was totally blown away… everything was running through my mind; my deception, my lies, my pretense, Paige pictures, me,; my god!!! What am I going to do about this? If there is any time to come clean it is now; but how? I have to think about it. I am going to hurt him real bad; and he is gonna hate me, might even kill me for doing this to him. He such a nice and sweet guy, he don’t deserve this. I was going berserk; I was freaking out.

I really didn’t know what to say next.. I just stood there… looking at my phone and reading his confession over and over… my mind whirling with mixed feelings.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…..

LOVETHYPLANT…. A Plant for everyone.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/lovethyplant

I’m helping to promote “

LOVETHYPLANT “

The cost is very minimal and shipping is available…

The plants available is individually grown with special care and is guaranteed live up to every expectation…

We have a small selection of inventory but expected to grow with time and with demand…

The nursery is set up to ensure the healthiest plant life…

The owner and founder is very passionate about plants and nature… his love for the beauty of these plants is shown in his selection of choices… they reflect his love of the natural beauty that he is surrounded by… and chooses to share it with those who can appreciate it as much as he does..

Your support and your patronizing would be welcome and appreciated…

So please visit this site and place your order for one of these beautiful plants.. to brighten your day….

Also in stock is the lychee fruit suckers..

Click on the website to get pricing…

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL… part 2

A FRESH START

A LOOK DOWN FROM THE SKY

So I arrived in Florida…it was a Saturday night.. November 5 th…my baby and I was met by my aunt… as we drove to her home I was just in awe of my new surroundings… I still couldn’t believe I was here….

My only regret was leaving my older son behind..and I still could see his little face so sad.. and hear his voice saying…

“The only thing you forget is me … is me mommy”…..

Those words haunted me to this day.. and still bring tears to my eyes.. I couldn’t take him with me..and I hated leaving him behind.. but I had get away from this man of mine…

I refused to stay and be physically abused… I had to sacrifice leaving my son.. but I promised I would make it right…(it took me six years to get him with me… eventually…)

My aunts was very receptive and seemed glad to have me… my baby was only a year and ten months… and was a crier… he clings to me a lot.. which was expected..

Christmas 🎄 came and went.. the weather was a bit chilly for me… and in January I thought it’s time for me to find work…

But…

My aunt refuses to babysit for me and I couldn’t afford the nursery… so I decided to take him back home until I get settled in a job and was capable of looking after him…

‘This was in February …. I reluctantly left him with his father.. and now I had to leave both my boys behind.. but… I was determined to come back and do everything I can to get them both with me…

I came back and immediately decided to find work.. I couldn’t get a job in my profession as an accountant… due to lack of computer knowledge or was I computer literate…. I decided to try as a cashier which I gain from being a assistant manager at a supermarket…

Thus.. my career as a cashier began… I picked up a job in a retail store…..I stayed at my aunt house for one year before she asked me to leave.. I then moved to Orlando Florida to stay with another aunt…

I came here and picked up another job.. so I had two jobs now…

Every summer I would go back home to see my babies.. this was the second summer for me.. when I return home and see my baby I was was so upset at his condition…

His father was not taking care of him… I almost didn’t come back.. I cried all the way home… and I told and relate to my aunt about what was happening with my baby and just how concerned I was and how distraught I was…

She saw my motherly anguish.. and promised to help me get accommodations so I could get my babies with me…

She and her husband was in real estate so she told me she would see if she could get me approved for a mortgage.. and she did…

And by the end of that year I got me a house… I went to get my baby .. but my older son didn’t have a visa.. so again I had to leave him behind…

I cause that baby of mine so much sorrow… I tried to make up with gifts… hoping it would make him happy… and when I finally decided to go get him.. he was 16 years old…

I had lost him. He out grew me.. and me him..he seems happy back there.. but… when he came here he became so depressed… that he tried to commit suicide at eighteen..

I was never home.. I worked.. from 11pm to 2 pm for day five days a week… I was always so afraid of leaving him… but.. thank goodness he never again tried it…

My youngest father also decided that he’s gonna join me and I allow him because my son was very attached by now… I was hoping he had changed his abusive ways..

I had also agreed to marry him.. and as soon as we got married he started to physically abuse me again… I keep trying and trying until I just had more than I could take… it took me four years to finalize our relationship…I called the police and file a domestic dispute… they got him out and I changed the locks and get me a security system in place…

Hence.. divorcing his sorry ass… I have been single since…

Over the next 20 years I worked those two jobs.. maintained my mortgage.. and see my kids through to adulthood…

In my view.. I have successfully achieved and accomplish my goal of being there for my children… I call this progress…

Yes I could have gone back to school.. get back into my accounting profession… but I was too overwhelmed with bills and babies to stop and again make more sacrifices and putting my babies second…

It was enough that I was working these long hours.. not spending enough time with them to add studying to that list..

I’m proud of where I am… what I have accomplished…my boys are now adults and are two of the most amazing men there is…

They both have families and are super dads… I guess I must have done something right after all.. am so very proud of them… and I’m so contented that I can retire and notworry about them or me…

My hard work pays off.. in the end… I’m able to survive financially and if I am short or in need.. my awesome sons is there to help me out..

What more can one ask for…

If that’s not being successful…

Then what is…????

I may have been a late bloomer and my life didn’t took off until I was in my thirties.. it may took a change of complete scenery and location..but… I. did it… I made it happen.. I got my own home… I became independent… and most of all I became the provider my kids needed…

It may not seem much to many but to me.. looking at where I am to where I have been… I have accomplished quite a lot… and I call it being successful…

I grew out of my insecurities and my lack of confidence…

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL….

I was born on a Friday morning in February of 1960s…. I was the most beautiful baby girl.. but at ten months my life took a turn for the worst.. I became so sick… my mom gives me up as dead…

“ go bury her “ she commands my dad… but he wouldn’t give up on me… he didn’t stop trying to find a cure for my unexplainable condition.. and when he finally did .. he was very elated but so very disappointed that I was never the same healthy baby he had…

I grew up feeble.. and sickly.. I was awkward and clumsy with zero motor skills coordination… so everyone just treated me like a retarded invalid… they sheltered me and limit me.. to things like playtime because they thought I couldn’t handle it.. trying to protect me without realizing the great damage they were afflicting…..

My mom decided to pass away when I was nine. Leaving behind a severely damage girl… my dad took us to live with my stepmom..

And…

Life becomes an unbearable struggle till I was old enough to go on my own.. I grew alone and apart from my siblings.. I was treated with much indifference..

No love… no affection… no acknowledgement… no confidence.. no self esteem…

I had bad stutter… I fall a lot.. I continuously cry… I was bed wetter until I was about thirteen…

I was mocked.. make jokes at .. laugh at.. shun.. and scolded for everything…

But…

I out grow it all and I believe I had a decent early adulthood… I made poor choices in relationships always seeking a love I didn’t know how receive or give…

I didn’t do so well in school .. because no one ever took an interest in our education…. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me about homework.. or find out how we were progressing… after graduation..I wasn’t brazen or bold enough to be able to function in the world… I was insecure and shy.. until I read somewhere… to be shy is to be selfish because you are only thinking of yourself….

My older sister was working and going to business college… while I was home so afraid to go out there to find work…

Church was my outlet so I decided I wanted to be a nun.. a great way out. But dad .. for the first in my short life he decided to sit me down and lecture me on how it would be a waste of life to enter the nun hood…

Me … eager to please and was so fill with joy that he took out the time to sit with me and actually talked to me.. decided to withdraw my intentions to be a nun.. he promised me to pay for a business course and Advice me to go find one that I like to attend…

But what did I know about picking a decent school… I did find one … but My choice wasn’t the best so after a few months I had to …changed to a different one..

Walking home one day … my long hair caught the attention of this man driving past… ( I had the most beautiful jet black hair.. long and shiny.. I regularly wear it flowing and cascading down my back ..) he stopped and offered me a ride home… I accepted…

We started seeing each other which my father didn’t approve because he was older and has been married with three boys.. I however disobeys my dad strict order to stop seeing him.. and that relationship lasted for year and ended badly when he decided to go back to his wife….

School didn’t prove too successful and so I tried working… but that’s also ended up with me losing it..

A few months down the line I met this US marine and for six months I was in glory… I had found love .. but this too ended on a bad note when I found he was also dating another…

I had started a business and management course at a more reputable school…and it was here that I met this other girl who revealed my marine deception… and where I unfortunately gain the likes of my accounts teacher……( I was taking accounts and management course) he decided to Pursue me to my great discomfort… and when I tried to tell him I was not interested he threatened suicide with tears..

And being so damn naive I allow him to persuade me to give him a chance against my will… we ended up living together unfortunately…

We went out one night and his car broke down and I had no way home… so we spent the night in his car and went home that morning…but my dad put the fear of god in me when he warned me not to ever repeat it and to he sure I come home every night..

And the very next weekend I was again stuck with no way home and the option of living with him was a much better option than facing the wrath of my dad…. that was the worst year of my life…

I dropped out of school… he was an alcoholic.. so I was bar hopping with him… being physically abused… often go hungry… moving from place to place.. but I want to prove to my dad that I could do this… but after a year.. I finally got the courage to leave him for good and beg my dad to allow me back home.. he reluctantly did and it took me two years to start dating again…

That relationship had left a bitter taste in my mouth and a callous on my heart…

During this period of my life I was struggling to find my way out… I was not progressing…both my sisters was working in Decent jobs… and I was not… I was by far the least successful one…

My dad own a tobacco company and he allows me to work for him.. I stayed there for two years…until met my first husband… I got pregnant for him but it went sour in my seventh month..

He was a womanizer… and he couldn’t help himself… he told me once that he was like a dog thrown in a pen full of all different kinds of meat…. so he just have to take bites out of everyone.. and it’s not that he love me less.. it’s just that he has all these tasteful choices and he just couldn’t resist biting into them… but know that I’m his favorite…and he will always loves me the best…

I couldn’t see it his way so left him with his delightful choices and moved back home… I had my baby.. got back together with him.. and he took care of us until he decided to move back home to America.. he was an American…

Me and my stepmom was really not the best of friends… but she agrees to look after my son while I go work.. I was very appreciative but I honestly neglected my son with the poor excuse that he’s well taken care of..

everyone in my family undermines me and I had no control over him.. so

I allowed everyone to take control away from me because I lacked the guts to stand up to them.. so as usual I run away and hide instead… I got lost in working three jobs..never realizing how much I was hurting my baby boy…

My stepmom took pride in full responsibility and never fails to put me down to my son…

But..

I did allow it gladly… telling myself that he’s ok and he is loved by everyone… this lasted five years until my father passed away from an heart attack…

Then everything changes for me.. I quit my job… I ended my four year relationship with a non progressed guy… that following year went by with me not remembering what took place.. I was in a daze..

But…

The second year.. I got married to my best friend.. .. he was my salvation and my angel….he was the best thing ever to happen to me… too bad it took me until he died to realize the great blessing he was to me….

I got pregnant with my second son.. that same year…my stepmom chased me out of the house letting me know that I won’t be bringing no more babies inside there.. and of course I allow her to decide my fate.. I had to leave my first son behind… this was my second mistake in abandoning him..

But the truth be told.. she wanted us girls out.. so she and her biological sons could have the house… she got her desire… of course..I made up my mind never to return to that house.. let her have it.. I will get mine someday…

I had been to hell and back with my baby father.. and when my baby was a year and ten months… I decided to do something about coming to America… my husband was an American .. so I asked him to file for me…

I got the chance and I took it..from the first day I set foot on American soil.. my whole world has changed for the better…

***************++**********++***********

TO BE CONTINUED….

DREAM COME TRUE:….. Angels 👼… LANI &. LENA

Lena
4 months

LANI
18 months

SWEET AND CUDDLE-ABLE LANI

For the last 35 years I have lived in a household where I’m outnumbered by the male species.. my world was surrounded with all the men in my life…

I was blessed with two boys… I had always wanted a girl… how I would love to have had a daughter to be best friends with.. and share that special bond that I see moms and daughter share….

I love my boys.. I got so much joy raising them.. and I wouldn’t change one day with them… but… I just needed that girl to complete my world..

When my older son started to have children he ended up with three boys… I again have more than my share of boys.. and not a girl in the midst… I was begging him and his wife to consider trying one more time for the girl… and I was giving up hopes of ever getting a little girl to pamper and dress 👗 up in all these pretty dresses and cute outfits…

My younger son finally got pregnant 🤰 and was due with a baby girl… but his fiancé is from a different states and my dreams was dashed when they decided to go back to her home town to have his daughter..

I was so heartbroken 😔 and sad 😞… that I was losing the chance of having my my first granddaughter around…

I was sure I had lost my son too… and for those four months they stayed away I anguished over my lost…

But…

Things played in my favor… when they needed a babysitter and I was very much available because I was a retiree…

When they asked… however cold and contemptuous …. it may have been…( she texted.. “will you look after the baby while we go to work “)

No hello… we are planning on coming home… bla bla bla. Just straight to asking…. I had to read between the lines….

But…

I was so happy 😁 to know that they are taking my granddaughter home to me that I just simply ignore the coldness of that text and without a second thought or a even a slight hesitation… I quickly assure her that with an absolute yes…

“Please.. and when are you guys coming.. “ I asked..

I could hardly contain my emotions.. I was so so excited…

And so I got my lani at 2 months to present… the profound joy I have had the last year and a half is unexplainable.. she became the highlight of my existence… I’m always in awe of her progress and find so much joy in how very smart she is…

As I watched her get older and smarter I get a sense of pride…. feelings so close to her that I find myself so Intune and so connected to her emotions…

We read… we write and color….we play… we eat… we laugh.. we have fun together… she is my little buddy… my days became consumed with her…

Everything takes second place…

But…

Again As she gets older though …I know I’m about to lose her … because I have a condition with limitations that don’t allow me to be able to continue taking care of her…. she is growing out of my limits…

I take consolation though… in receiving this gift to fulfill my dream and no matter how short lived it may be… I got me the daughter I so longed for…

Life really gives beautiful gifts…

It gives me this most precious angel 😇 sent from heaven for me to enjoy… and enjoy her I did… to the fullest….

And to make life even sweeter… eighteen months later I got me my second most adorable 😍 granddaughter LENA….

What more is there to ask for… my world is finally in completion…

TO BE CONTINUED…..

…..The story of LENA

BOOK 📚 TITLES….. GREAT READINGS…

My number #2 book 📖 I want to recommend is ……

NAUGHTY…

Forty one important lessons..Do and Don’t in any relationship…

This is a book 📖 that illustrates lessons learned from the author perspective… the do’s and don’t gather from the relationship he experiences… And all the mistakes he made before realizing the consequences of his actions…

He lived a full life and fully enjoyed his days of being the sexual beast he was… so he wants to pass on all the valuable lessons he learned along the way

You will definitely enjoy this book full of tales of his most adventurous encounters… and see that no no matter how good it was in time of questioning… the consequences or repercussions … sometimes isn’t worth the pleasure of the moment…

He walked away fulfilled with sexual gratification but.. find that he has learned these 41 valuable lessons which he take great pride in sharing hoping to enlighten those that take the time to read his delightful stories ..

You will find joy in all his episodes as he relived them…

So please go to amazon and find you a copy of .. NAUGHTY- Forty one important lessons..

And great readings to you..

BOOKS 📚 TITLES…/GREAT READING…

I would love to introduce a couple books 📖 to you…

First one ☝️…….

YOU BETTER NOT CRY 😢…. by Rufus Brown…

It’s a very touching short summarize story of a Childhood abuse endured from age 7 to teenager…

It’s told in the words of the victim. It’s non- fiction… she relives it again as she relates it her son…. allowing him to understand just how strong she was to be able to overcome such an abusive life… and be able to be the kind of mom she was…

She never reveals it to her children until she fell sick and knows she doesn’t have much time left on this earth..

She asked him to tell her story to the world.. she wanted people to know..

“WHAT DONT KILL YOU… ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER…”

You can’t hold on to things of the past.. you can only move on forward…

So I’m inviting y’all to take the chance on this short story and feel her sorrow and pain she had no choice but to endure…

It’s on sale on amazon.

Just type in the.. title….

A MESSY LOVE 💕 STORY… NEW BEGINNINGS….

THE DAY WITH SANDY…

(he got a text from one of his girls.. Sandy… he haven’t talk to her for a while.. so he called and she invited him over the next day asking him if he wants to accompany her to a celebration for her relatives at the Marriott hotel…

He Gladly accepted her invitation… it was surely a welcome distraction right now…

They spoke for a little catching up with each other.. and after he hung up he felt so much better… he was even smiling with the anticipation of a good day tomorrow….that he lost his anger with that girl of his…

He finally settled down and turned in for the night… He drifted off to sleep thinking of sandy remembering how much fun she was in the past and hoping to rehash some of that Funtime come tomorrow..)

~~~~~~••••••••~~~~~~~•••••••~~~~~~

She woke him up with a call .. wanting to know what time is he getting there.. he asked her what time does she expect him..

She let him know they have access to the rooms and the pool all day long.. and he should get there as soon as he can.. and then remind him not to forget his swimming trunks…

She sounds really enthusiastic and anxious to see him.. and he was kinda feeling the same about seeing her too.. it’s been a while since he had…

He got up took a shower … and decided to go over to that hotel and have some needed fun with Sandy..

When he arrived she met him in the lobby..

she ran up to him .. so excited to see him.. and wrapped him a hug..

she felt so good to hold in his arms and she smells deliciously enticing..

They separated and he took her in .. noticing every small detail of her … she was casually dressed in a jeans and a nice summer top.. which was revealing a little cleavage.. which caused him to lick his lips desirously.. reflecting with images of her naked boobs…

He smiles as she grab his hands and said eagerly..

“Come on …come say hi to my family that’s here..”

He follows her as she leads him on.. he kept a smile as she introduced him to everyone.. trying to keep his mind focus on what’s she’s saying… instead of drifting off thinking of how her boobs bounced with each move she makes.. or how her curvy hips and her round ass sways so sensually as she moves from relatives to relatives..

Her sisters gave him that look of … yesss we know what’s on your mind..”

He felt himself blushing and smiling sheepishly knowing they are reading his mind right now…

As she mingled with everyone.. he took the time to reflect on their past and as he look at her smiling and seeing just how gorgeous she is as she gracefully and effortlessly flitters around the room ….he tries to figure out why he didn’t pursue her and why he had lost connection with her..

She’s a really beautiful and sensually sexual girl.. and she exudes this strong sexual energy ..

He somehow couldn’t quite remember what exactly was the reason for not keeping her closer..

But…

She is here now… and he’s definitely going to make use of this opportunity..

she must like him some to have invited him to this very intimate gathering of families and even taking pride in introducing him to everyone…

She then suggested that she’d like to show him the rooms they booked for the night… and even told him that she saved one just for him..

He was gamed.. as they excuse themselves and took the elevators up.. he started to get all excited and he felt the tightening of his pants as he subconsciously tried to adjust it…

She noticed his fidgeting and turned to witness his actions.. he quickly removed his hands and she giggles a little.. telling him she knows exactly what was happening..

She stepped a little closer to him.. brushing her hips next to his thighs.. and it sent a electrifying emotional shock through his whole body.. and as if she senses his reaction she turned her face to look at him with a very mischievous smile…

They came to their floor… and as they elevator stop….she took his hand in hers and led the way. ..

he noticed her palms was a little sweaty… and he smile ..

She wants him too…

She opened the door to one of the rooms and they entered…it was really a beautiful setting.. the curtains match the bed spread and it was delicate fresh scent present…

He was feeling a little warm so he walked over to adjust the room temperature …

He sat on the bed with his back to the headboard.. she climbed on too .. on her tummy facing him…

They converse trying to catch up on each other life..

It started to cool down … and he politely asked her if she mind if he gets a bit comfortable…

She shook her head that she don’t and told him..

” please do…”

He got up take off his shoes and his shirt…

He got back in smile at her as she lay there gazing up on him… he reached over to remove a stray strand of hair from her face…. telling her that he had missed her and asked softly….

” What happens to cause them to drift apart???….”

She just shrugs her shoulders in response….

He continued to tell her how beautiful she was looking and how good it is to be there with her… he thank her for inviting him and including him in her festivities….as he gently stroke her face …. tracing the outline with his fingers….

She leans into his hand pressing her cheeks against his fingers.. she close her eyes and softly rub her cheek against his fingers like a kitty would…

He could sense her desire for him.. so he placed his forefinger beneath her chin …. heisting her parted lips as he leaned in to kiss her…

She closed her eyes again…and her lips tremble with anticipation… he lightly brushed his lips against hers…and she sucks in her breath in anticipation inhaling his scent.. as she eagerly strain her neck towards him to receive his kiss.. but he stopped. Pulled away… looking at her mouth , and smiling mischievously…as she subconsciously licked her lips where he has touched with his…

She opened her eyes..looking at him.. revealing a hot fiery passion … burning with fierce desire…

With one swift move..She reached for him.. pulling him towards her and fiercely kiss him .. Deeply and sensually.. .that causes a jolt of electricity to run through him straight to his groin…He rolled on her back pressing closely into her with a intensely urgent desire….

She could feel his excitement as he pressed into her.. and he could sense her reciprocal excitement from her racing heart beat and from her shallow breathing…

Her hands was busily exploring his back and his buttocks as she urged him in even closer…

He eased up.. and look at her… and he saw the only answer he needed in her face and eyes..”

He begins to undress her as she intermittently covers his bare chest with kisses.. when he reaches for her pants .. she automatically lifted her hips for easy removal..

he fumbles with her bra but got it and released her voluptuous bouncing boobs’…they were so much more beautiful than he recalled…

his excitement only grows with the sight and he kiss her as he fondled her breasts .. he placed trails of kisses on her neck moving towards those hard nipples…as he enjoyed the scent of her as it fills his nostrils.. She was intoxicatingly delicious..

He felt her heisting her hips and her legs slightly opening.. he knew she was as ready as he was..

she reached for his pants and with some urgency she tries to release his rock hard dick..

He got up with a quick move and discard the obstacle..and she gasp at the sight of him .. she touched him and stroke him slowly and ever so gently as she guided him to her soaking wettt.. pulsating kitty…. easing into position to receive him…

She felt so so good.. as he slowly enter her.. resisting the urge to plunge deep and hard.. he had been aching and craving for the feel of her…

She made a sensual groan of pleasure as she started to move with him..

she was grabbing his ass begging him to ..

” fuck me baby .. fuck me.. ”

As she urged him to go faster.. she was convulsing around his hard dick.. making him knew she was cumin..

it makes him lose control and he felt himself ready to spill his load .. I’m cumin baby.. he told her.. she just bit her lower lips .. nodding.. her face full of pure pleasure..

as he made the last thrust before he release it all.. he felt her hold on to him and arch her back and said….

Oooh yesss baby.. oooh yess.. Yesss..Aaaah.. Aaaah..”

He could feel her kitty going wild gripping and clenching onto his dick as he emptied into her…

It is a divine ecstasy and he was feeling so blissfully satisfied…

He slowly pumped into her a couple more times enjoy the feeling of her convulsions..

she was shaking a little.. breathing as heavily as he was.. as cum spill out seeping down her legs..

They just lie there for a minute or two savoring the moment..

he then kiss her tenderly and whispered a thank you..

She smiles at him and hug him close to her.. nestling her face into his neck.. in response…

He rolled off her and got up and headed to the shower.. she decided to join him.. they finished .. get ready.. and headed downstairs to grab something to eat..

They walked hugging each other to the elevator..nothing was said..on the way down.. but the smiles and the silence speaks volumes..

***********^^^^*********^^^^^*****

TO BE CONTINUED….

A SLAP 👋 IN FACE…. part 4

Born December 27th

….. John woke up and saw me outside.. he came and asked if I was ready to go.. I told him yes..

I sat there thinking and wishing I did not made the choice I had.. and feeling so upset because apart from upsetting her I have ruin my Christmas plans..

I got up retrieved my things and said bye to her.. not getting a response..

And head for the car.. my son and I .. we had a good little conversation on our way… and he was very sympathetic to me.. he shows understanding and actually told me that he thinks she has more issues than she thinks he has..

I had to agree with that statement.. he gives me a few examples of her iritic outburst… which he thought was very unnecessary especially with her eldest… but he said she doesn’t receive advices or suggestions too well…

That was enough explanation for me..

It was their second anniversary so I asked him to go easy on her and try not to do or say anything to upset the day…

He dropped me off and headed back home..

It took me two days to overcome my feelings.. and on the second day I thought I’d send her a text apologizing.. hoping she would now be in a better frame of mind..

Hey 👋 Megan..

I do hope you are feeling much better today…

I’m so sorry 😐 my visit took a turn for the worst…

I didn’t mean to upset 😡 you so badly..

I just wanted to spend some time with you and enjoy 😊 your company..

So sorry 😐 for what I have said to make you so 😠 mad…

It was never my intentions..

I just hope we can move forward and beyond it..

And continue as friends..

I am not mad with you..

I know you are just going through a very emotional time right now. .. being in your last month of pregnancy 🤰 and all..

And have a family to take care of..

You are doing such an awesome 👏 job sweet girl…

You are a strong girl and you are a most wonderful mom and wife…

Keep on doing what you are doing..”

It went unanswered..

I even tried to butter her up.. hoping she would smile..

Ooh well!!?? I guess I just better leave it at that..

The next two weeks to Christmas 🎄 was very emotional for me because for the very first time I’m not going to be celebrating 🥳 Christmas without John…

John came over Christmas Eve with ayden..

We went out to eat.. he spent a few hours then leave..

We had exchange Christmas 🎄 gifts 🎁 . And good wishes ..

So next day ( Christmas 🎄 Day) was just me and my younger son home.. I tried to make the best of it..

The day came and went very uneventful..

I got a text from John that Friday.. baby coming.. and a couple hours later.. he sent photos..

So baby was born at 10am Friday morning…

And just when I was getting over my emotional state .. here comes another reason for me to be sad 😢…

I won’t be able to go see my granddaughter.. and I vowed that I would never go back to her home unless she personally invited me..

It’s been two weeks since the birth of my granddaughter..

And she did send some pictures to me and we had a little texting dialogue.. but I haven’t heard from her since..

And I’m not anxiously thinking that is an invite to resume connection..

So I will wait until she decided to do so..

I have been talking to friends about what happens.. and their suggestions have me looking at the whole scenario differently.. and at different angles…

One such suggestions is that maybe she wanted to cut John’s families out of the picture..

I don’t really care too much other than I’m not going to be able to spend much time with my granddaughter..

But I can do it if I have to.. I just find it so funny.. the extreme of it all..

Here I’m am left with total responsibility of my younger son daughter.. to the point that I have to ask him to give me a break..

And now I’m not going to be able to see this one at all..

I just can’t win for losing…

I will just have to let it all play out and deal with whatever comes..

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE… part 3

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU SAY…

WORDS CAN HURT 😞 MUCH MORE THAN

A SLAP 👋……..

THE AFTER EFFECTS….

…… I continued to cook dinner .... she locked herself in her bedroom… I was really uncomfortable and wish I could leave and go home… my emotions was running high and wild….

I felt guilty and badly for causing her rage… but I had mixed feelings.. the more I think about the conversation.. I come up with the conclusion that I didn’t actually say anything to have cause her reacting in that manner..

And… come to think about it she was very mean and somewhat rude to the point of disrespect… shouldn’t I have reminded her of who she was talking to and asked her to address me with more respect than that..

I didn’t even raise my voice once. I maintain my composure.. why then am I so forgiving and remorseful.. could it be because I’m in her home….

Or..

Is it because she is pregnant..

I find myself very understanding and even compassionate towards her… my throat was tightening up again..and my eyes were filling up with tears.. accidentally spilling down my face..

I think it’s because I liked her so much and I wanted so much to spend this time with her… we don’t really communicate too often and I so much wanted be close with her..

This is a side of her I never saw or known..

So after I finish cooking I thought I would go see if she has calm down and try to break the ice. .. letting her know that I’m not mad.. hoping she would be receptive to my gesture…

But..

She was very cold and distant..and had an negative attitude…

So I just back away disappointingly.. and utter a “OUCH “……

I went to my grandson room… I was not feeling too good and again I wish I could leave… why did I invite my silly ass over… I question myself…

My son came home but I didn’t go out to greet him…

But later on I decided to go and put away the food for the night… she didn’t come out if her room all evening..

John was sitting on the couch and he came in the kitchen to ask me why did I say that to her about her son..

So I had to explain to him the conversation we had that leads up to me mentioning her son to her..

I broke down in the middle of the story and my son..he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions…so he was getting uncomfortable 😣 and asked me to stop… so I did..

I finished up with what I was doing and went back to the room.. I lay there for hours going over and over in my mind the incident that occurred…

She chooses to tell john just the comment I made about her son… shaking my head… and to think of it …..she was the one who said everything she wanted John to believe I said…

I dozed off with tears flowing… I was very hurt for more reasons than one..

I didn’t get up with my grandson that morning….but after they left For school I got up.. got ready.. pack my belongings.. and decided to go sit outside in the backyard until my son wakes up…

She was on the couch.. I shouted , ” good morning 😃☀️🌞 Megan “….

I didn’t get a reply.. so as I was passing to go through the door to the backyard.. I asked,

” are you okay today??….”

She replied very sarcastically and very nonchalantly ..

“As good as I’m going to be “….

I replied.. “that’s good “….

I sensed her indifference and her detachment… so I just leave her alone..

*************++++************

TO BE CONTINUED…

A SLAP IN THE FACE…. part 2

ONE BIG SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE

THE CONVERSATION….

The evening went well.. we all retired to our sleeping quarters…

I slept with my grandson and he woke me up pretty early.. they had school…

My son was off to work early .. I had some coffee ☕️ sit for a while with meg..

And about an hour later .. decided to get up to change out my pjs…I asked meg what was on her agenda…and she said she wanted to go to the store to pick up something.. I told her I would glad to ride along with her..

I thought she meant later in the morning but just as I got into my clothes.. she asked if I was ready… so we went off to the store…

While there I picked up a few things.. mostly snacks for me and the boys…

We were having a conversation about blood type. And meg was getting a bit agitated 😣 with my questions and suggestions about her knowing her kids blood type.. so much so that I had to cut off the conversation entirely and letting her know it’s only me that these things are so important to… I didn’t like her tone … and definitely did not want to upset her…

We got home.. it was still too early for anything.. I again told her I would love to take over the cooking so she would not have to stand up so long…

So we sat down.. she turns on the news… and me…( 🤦‍♀️ smh ..sigh) .. I decided to ask her about her comment about her second son living with his father…

It starts out very casually with her saying she would not allow it.. but she went on farther stating that John is envious of her son and his father..

I did not agree with her and so it became a discussion which spiral out of control on her part. She let me know that John is still having abandonment issues.. that he has been crying and been threatening suicide..

So I just said.. annoyingly..

” He is almost 40 years old… it’s time he gets over this shit”….

Oh my.. she got very belligerent and started to blame me for him going through all that emotional trauma …

I remain calm and asked her not to be so upset.. I tried to change my approach by admitting the fault and then tried to explain my reasons for and behind making that choice which affects him so badly ..

I started off saying…

“When we are young we as parents sometimes make choices with and for our children without the realization of how it may or will affect them…”

I continued with the explanation of why I left him behind…and To clarify and satisfy my story or excuses or explaination..I kinda finish by saying…(trying or hoping she would understand.. ) just like the the choice you made with your oldest son..

Ooh man.. she flew off the handle… and went into a raging fit.. saying that she has not abandoned her son.. because she didn’t leave him and come to another country

I didn’t say anything about her abandoning her son .. but I only make matters worse when I say the distance doesn’t matter..

I had to stop talking because I was afraid of her getting into such a rage.. but she continued to spew out a whole heap of negative remarks about me.. including the fact that I mess up my son and leave her to pick up the pieces.. I just say ” ouch 😣 ”

And..

“Oops 🤭😬”

And just walked away..

I was so hurt .. her words cut really deep.. because I had struggled with great guilt and remorse for years… I couldn’t go back and undo the damage I had cause my son….and I had suffered with him during the height of his first onset of deep depression… and I don’t see him with that emotions anymore.. so I was not believing it was still affecting him to the degree of how she wanted me to believe…. he had come along way.. and he has progressed so much.. I’m swell with pride sometimes just thinking of him and how he has grown.1

the tears was threatening to flow..I had to take a minute to calm down my emotions..and I started to cook as I promised… how could she be so mean…????!!!! If only she could know and realize just how much my decision and choice has hurt me in past… and how very much I regretted leaving him behind….

It was really like a slap 👋 to my face..

I really don’t see how our conversation could have reached to that point…but..

She’s pregnant and highly emotional..so I didn’t hold it against her… she was obviously 🙄 on edge all morning… and I guess it didn’t take much to trigger off her reaction..

………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED…

Featured

A SLAP 👋 IN THE FACE.. part 1

YOUR MOOD SHOULD NOT DICATE YOUR MANNERS

The visit

I have a daughter in law for the past ten years.. my oldest son wife…

They have three boys and is expecting a little girl in January…

They live in another city from me..and they just purchased a house …

It’s approximately an hour driving to get to me so I don’t get to see them and my grandchildren too often…

My daughter in law….MEG…. and I don’t really talk too much… she’s a nice pleasant girl and we get along quite well…

I have seen her… in early November during her baby shower…but haven’t really spoken to her… so after a nearly a month I decided to call her to check up on her… and while we were talking she mentioned she was on vacation…

And me being free totally invited myself over to spend a couple days with her.. I thought it would be so nice to just chitchat with her and I would be able to spend some time with my grandsons..

I called my son and told him of my big plan.. and asked him to pick me up that weekend… I was a little excited for the opportunity to get away for a couple days..and was rather thrilled to spend some time with meg and the boys.. also see my son.. I miss seeing him..

He agreed on Sunday.. but come Sunday he said he wasn’t able to make it and would come for me Wednesday instead.. my mind went in over ride… with all the negative reasons he decided not to pick me up..

To say the least.. I was very disappointed 😔 to the point of tears … I was so looking forward to this visit..

My son somehow sensed my feelings and I got a text from him that same evening that meg will pick me up next day… my first feelings was to denied it.. but I thought I was just being petty.. and acting silly… so I just said okay 👌…I will be ready and waiting..

Come Monday morning I got up got myself ready .. she arrived at about 11am.. I was glad to see her.. and I mentioned my concern about her driving so far in her condition… she assured me she was fine but I was still a bit worried 😟 to the point of guilt..having her come all this way for me…

I pushed it aside though.. trying not to let my feelings mess up my visit.. I’m just going to enjoy meg and the boys…

The evening went by well.. we took some time to talk and catch up… the boys was very happy 😃 to see me.. I told meg I would cook dinner to give her the break to just relax…

My son got home a little late.. and a little tired..

We all eat… and then sit down to watch a little tv 📺…

The next day was their anniversary so we talked about that and their plans… then we went on to talk about Christmas and the menu..

And what is expected.. I mentioned that I was going to come over a couple days before just so I could get everything prep and to give meg a break from doing much in her last weeks of pregnancy….

The conversation went to gifts 🎁 for the boys.. and meg mentioned that John (my son) was talking about giving the youngest a car for his sixteen birthday 🎁..

That is eight years away…so I intervene and told John that he has to think of the two older boys first..

( you see the two oldest is his stepsons and he feels it’s their fathers duty to give them a 🚘 car)

So we had a little debate on that with me trying to convince him to be fair enough as a father and know that he has to do for them as much as his own biological son… meg mentioned that the second boy chooses to be there with them… in the sense of proving that he loves his stepdad..

I didn’t comment on what she said apart from agreeing with her… but it causes me to think and wonder if she would allow him to live with his dad if he so desires…

Over the past ten years I tried to give my motherly advice to her as much as she asked for it…or if I observed something I think needed to be addressed I would offer some kind of suggestions or say what I think.. she was always receptive to my little advices and interferences… because I live apart from them I limit what I say or how I feel seeing that I really don’t have much control on anything.. so all in all I do allow them to be the boss of their life…

In saying so.. I found out a few months ago that she removed her oldest son out of his home and put him to live with her mom.. I asked my son about it and he asked me not to mention it to her because it’s a very sensitive subject with her… so against my feelings I decided to not asked her or mentioned it…

I actually didn’t agree with her decision and I wanted to let her know my reasons and tried to encourage her to get him back in with his brothers .. I fear what the seperation might do to him emotionally and how it will affect him..

I made a similar choice with her husband… I moved out and leave him behind and eventually relocated abroad…

He suffered from abandonment issues and went into deep depression as a teenager… So this is what I fear will happen with her son eventually if she doesn’t get him back home soon..

But I honor my son’s request and decided to leave it alone.. as much as we talked and much as I like her.. I was not that close to her to interfere in her personal choice… I just didn’t think it was in my place to question her decision with her son as much as it displeased me…

……………………………………………

TO BE CONTINUED

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE… part 2

WELL ALL WEEKEND I HAD TO WORK AND I KINDA FORGET A LITTLE ABOUT HIM… BUT I WAS OFF MONDAY AND COULDN’T SLEEP AND A LITTLE BORED SO I DECIDED TO TRY TEXTING HIM….

 ‘hey are out there? It’s me…. Wendy…. Wanting some more laugh. Kinda like our conversation the other night.  You got some to throw my way?

 I got nothing so I leave it alone, it was 3am in the morning and I figure he must be sleeping. Next day Gail … my sister… rented a car and she and pick me up and we went shopping for ray’s birthday…her husband… when she took me home she invited me to stay over with her, so I went because we were planning on taking ray to lunch next day.

  I still have this guy on my mind and I wanted to talk to him again, so about 9pm, I said to Paige I’m going to text your boyfriend , see if he will respond, and so I did. ‘Hey lover lover’ 

And he answered, “hey pretty girl” I was so pleased, and I smile

I said, ‘hey you are on tango, on the prowl tonight?  I’m off tonight & nothing much on TV so glad you are on[Symbol]. I got nothing back, so after 10 minutes. I sent another text, ‘no conversation tonight… you are busy…. Well I’m here if you want to……..’

 I was a little bit disappointed but, thought he did not want to be bothered, so I leave it at that. At 10:29 he sent a text, ‘I’m only talking to tall thin hot chicks tonight!!!! Oh wait?!?!Hey that’s you.”

I light up and said to Paige, that’s your boyfriend. So I said to him, ‘I’m the only one you need to talk to.’

I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY PLAYING THIS GAME OF DECEPTION; PRETENDING TO BE MY NIECE PAIGE…I WAS HAVING FUN THINKING, WHAT DIFFERENCE WILL IT MAKE…

‘Hey I like the toed… Kinda cute,’ 

I told him thanks.

What are you doing? Don’t you have a job to work at till 4am? Ha-ha what do you do dig graves? He asks laughing.

I’m off today’. I told him, ‘right again, I love digging graves.’

‘Ha-ha! I’m usually am.’ He stated. Ok so how old are you?

 Oh sh…t …, I thought I can’t tell him the truth, what should I say? My phone battery was dying and so I told him, ‘hey lover….. My phone is dying and I am at my sister’s house with no charger,”

‘Oh no,’ he said

 I know :(, I responded…

He then insisted, ‘age please Wendy, and then I have one more question.’

I lied again, I told him 20s, then I say, ‘shoot ‘to the question.

Are those real!!! They are sure pretty… beautiful…. Teeth… I love a pretty smile.’

I told him, ‘a thanks thanks thanks.’  [ thinking , he would never like me, he could never like me , feeling glad I did not admit it was me, because if I did I would not be having this conversation right now. What I would do for a little conversation with a cute guy, hide behind my beautiful little niece, just like I did in the picture, Silly silly me.]

Hey my pleasure! He said, ‘well very kissable”.

I then said,’ braces; wouldn’t mind too much,” [I meant to be kissed by him; although I know it’s only in my dreams will that ever happen.]

And the sexy lips to go with it! Schwannnng,’ he stated.

‘You are kinda cute too,’ I told him. [And you know I meant that. I like this guy.]

Hey thanks pretty girl.’

Thank you …. I interjected.

He then starts by saying, ‘maybe one day we can have dinner and by that I mean…

I asked, ‘what?

He said something quite inappropriate and unexpected and way out of context…

  He took me by surprise did not quite expect that and I did not really want all this sex talk  I didn’t how to quite respond to all this, I love talking trash, everybody knows that, I’m filthy as they come; but I did not want this guy  to know that or think I’m only talking to him for sex, and I didn’t want to entertain him;  So I say to him, ‘you got me there.’

He sent a [Symbol] ….. Perfect! I like winning!!!! Ha-ha’. He laughed.

I then said to him, ‘oh u naughty naughty man,’

 And so he continued, ‘and who isn’t happy when they Cumming right? Tada!!! I’m your future happy! 

I said, we will see.’

He did not stop there, ‘oh did I forget to mention… and he again make some more silly comments on the subject…

 I told him,” I think I’ll be scared to meet him”. And I meant it, I thought, oops, he’s all about sex; don’t know if I want this.

Then he asked, ‘will you tell me your height and weight? I totally understand! You should be scared!! This place is full of idiots and creeps! Other than me[Symbol] ha-ha!!’  he laughed again

I ignore his question and told him that he sounded very intimidating, and yes… creepy.

‘Oh you think, ‘he said.  I’ve been told that…. But I don’t see it… I’m confident but kind…’

I only hope, I told him.

He says, only time will tell!!! Right.

I know it was time to cut off this conversation because I did not like the direction it was taking. So I told him, ‘anyways goodnight. Yes time will tell.

 He then says, ‘if we ever meet it will be in a public place, so you could get up and walk away at any point if you weren’t comfortable. Now dream of me please[Symbol].’

I started to say something to him but I changed my mind all I got was ‘sorry I’ and I responded to his dream about me; I told him, ‘will do’.

 Good night sexy girl’.

I said to him in return, ‘ … goodnight lover.

I was always weary of anybody online, I told myself I would never hookup with any guy online, and I still don’t think I will… this guy is cute but of a unsavory character and reputation..

I was left thinking aaaaw man, this guy is all about sex, I don’t know, if I really want to get in this with this guy, I just wanted some clean conversation without the dirt and filth.  And it’s not like I am going to ever see him. Well I just have to forget about him, as cute and a funny as he is.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

 

I did not try to text  again for all that week although he was constantly on my mind, but I told myself he was not what I wanted, I really just wanted a texting buddy to pass time and I was the one that pursued him. So let it be. And anyways he really likes Paige and she is not available, and I can’t tell him now that’s it’s me; he wouldn’t want to talk to me.

 I really don’t remember exactly why I decided to text him to let him know that I’m going to stop, I really did not owe him an explanation but I did anyways, on Sunday night… the 15th… after work I came home and decided to send that fateful text.

 I said, ‘hey lover, my aunt said you are easy on the eyes and hard on the heart. I think I am way over my head with you; you  seem to be all about sex. And I don’t know how to be in a relationship with just sex. I’m too inexperience and naïve for you. You would only chew me up and spit me out.  I like you … those blue eyes and that pretty smile captivated me. But…you are right you are just too much for me to handle.” I then went to sleep.

I was trying to sound young and inexperience, still playing the role of my niece…while I’m interjecting “the aunt’ knowledge and wisdom as me…. this is where I should also confess that it’s not paige but me… but, I was just too busy playing this game of deception.

 

I was awaken by his text Monday morning at 9: 21am; ‘well Wendy I do sure appreciate your honesty. In reality I’m not only about sex but just assumed everyone on here was and so I’m way over the top with it. I’m sorry that I confused you it was never my intention. Either way I sure you will meet someone you are more comfortable with and a have a great life. You seem fun funny and you’re beautiful I’m sure you will meet someone you are more comfortable with. Take care sweet girl and thanks again for being so open and honest.’ 

After reading his text, I was kind of surprise by what he said and I was very impressed to learn that he was not really all about sex. … I should have left it alone, let it go at that, but not me, I liked him, something about him, I felt compel to talk to him; and I wanted to continue with the conversation; aaahh, don’t know how to leave well alone. And so I responded to him,

“If this is the case and you are as sweet as you look and as charming as you sound….could I have the pleasure of conversing with you every now and then. I kind of feel and get a connection with you; blame it in on damnedest blue eyes and that smile of yours. And of course, your sense of humor….ok Allen …. I like you. Is it ok for me to do so?

I can’t figure out why I was so drawn to him, why I did I liked him so much? Why didn’t I just let him be, why did I continue with this deception? Just for a little conversation. I can’t tell him now, if I do he will not talk to me, and I just want a little time with him; what a stupid, foolish thing for me to think. And again I missed out on the opportunity to come clean about my identity… this would have been the perfect time…

Anyways….. He answered me.

“Yes it’s ok. But I honestly understand if I’m too much to handle! I liked our connection too. I promise to not come on so strong and I refuse to mess with your head…so I let you dictate how we move on forward and promise to be somewhat of a gentleman[Symbol]

Oh thank you thank you, I gladly said.

My pleasure, says he.

“Let’s see how it goes and where it takes me (us)” I said to him,” and BTW aren’t you supposed to be at work right now?”

[If only I could have known the path that this conversation would lead to and known that all my deception would jump right at me and bite me in the ass. All the pain and sorrow that it would have cause, the anguish and agony it would left me….. If only I could have known….] Playing a game of deception is never going to end good… I couldn’t see the future and couldn’t have known that the father I take this game the harder it’s going to be for me to tell the truth. And I’m actually old enough to know this… but i was so naive with my behavior…

Haha! Well I am… kinda. I am self employed so I can’t get fired. He told me

“Really…. What exactly do you do and I never asked where are you, in what city? I’m here in Orlando.”

I’m in Daytona and I’m an architect. I have interest I have a few business…that’s why I fly. For work and sometimes for fun. So tell me about you please.

“An architect and pilot…..” I said, ‘very impressive, that’s so cool, I always like architecture wish I was artistic enough to get in to the field… now about me…….. Warning …. I may be boring. I am in school working on my associates trying to figure out what to major in. my mom wants me to be a doctor; but I am not so sure what I want; we’ll see. And I work second shift in a retail store….. When I am not in school studying or at work; I love to cook and bake stuff or curl up with a good novel or watch a movie.  Told you I’m boring.

 There I go… on with playing this deceiving game… and the bad part about it all … is, I play it so damn good… smiling… having fun… enjoying the conversation with this fascinating and intriguing guy… not thinking how wrong I am, playing this horrific trick on him…

the story doesn’t end here though… we talked all that day in the night way pass midnight… by the time we stop i was hooked and dug a hole so deep into deception… I had no way out…

I got up got something to eat. Clean up a little and all the time my mind was wondering to him; I was so drawn to him. I liked him; I really liked him and I was so excited to talk to him again; my heart was pounding  against my chest with just thinking of him; there was a knot in my stomach with the anticipation of him, and I knew I had to do something about cutting off this because I was not Paige and it’s Paige that he really likes; but I want some more of him. He is so gorgeous, charming and amazing.

to be continued …

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE… part 1

( this is a rerun for all my new audience.. how y’all enjoy this little story.. )

I have a grandson Ayden whom I see  once a week, I usually talk to him on Skype during the week but john had lost his Skype account so he decided to get a different app instead, therefore for me to be able to talk to little Ayden I had to download the app.

So I ask Paige to help set it up; she is my teenage niece and a little more versatile than I am with these apps and things…. and  seeing I don’t have much knowledge with this sort of thing, I  ask her to…  So she did and we decided to use a photo of us together seeing I did not have any better one of me. I never took a selfie before and I haven’t really take much pictures of myself… and photos don’t do me justice… Paige is a pretty little thing and a beautiful smile and she knows it; me, I love her she is the closest little niece I have.

 Now, I never was on any of these social sites before. As a matter of fact I was not even aware that it was… so I keep getting hits and request for friendship all for Paige, I delete and block them all. 

So, one night I came home from work… I work second shift and reached home every night apx. 1pm to 2pm… nothing much on TV,so I checked my phone and I saw a few messages , so I went on looking around, playing with it, I notice the feature “shake “ and I tried it.  24 faces pops up and I looked through them and in the lot I came across this face, he had blue eyes and a nice smile, no name, so I decided to send out a “ hi cutey”  and of course he reply “ hi sexy” I liked his face, my Kinda guy I thought, I have always liked blue eyes.

And so we start t a conversation; this was on December 6th, at 4am in the morning.

I reply. “How do you know this?

He said, I know everything “Am I bothering you?”

 I came back with, “LOL NO”

He laughed, “Ha-ha! Ok maybe I’m a bit silly! But hey it’s 4am in the morning

 I smile thinking he’s right. So I asked,

“why no name?’

He said, “oh sorry…. My name is Allen.  I forget I did that.

“How come you are up?’ I asked, and I responded to  his name, “Allen, ok that’s good.

Well I’m about to go to sleep friend just left… wanted to see what kinds of crazy girls might be up this late hour looking for some cock?!?! Ha-ha was his reply.

I laughed, I thought that was funny, so I said in reply, “me too, going to sleep, not looking for no cock, have my toys they are good enough.”

He said, “Oh I see… well then you just haven’t had me then 🙂

I laughed thinking this guy is hilarious; I like him he is fuuuny.

I say” just came in from work”

He then says ‘I’m just playing ……I’m sure they can stay longer than me[Symbol]

I said, ‘sure can’, all the time smiling, I was liking this guy and his sense of humor

Then he said, ‘although I’m good for hours.’

Me, ‘ooooh really’.

And he continued, ‘and I throb….damn… I’m sure I can’t compete……unless you want to be choked or something!!! Ha-ha.’ 

 So I said, ‘so said all men until’ ….

Well… that’s so true. I’m sure, Said he.

 I was all smiles, I was enjoying this little conversation and I had to tell him, so I said, ‘you are so funny and sounds crazy and horny.’

And he continued, ‘and so I will be honest and say that I’ve had girls that made wonder if I was gay, couldn’t get or stay hard.’

I give out, ‘what!???…. This happen to a man like you?

He’s still going, ‘and then I would meet a girl who could keep me up while I fell asleep after my fifth nut I swear!!

“It happens I know” I said to him, [of course I know, being there done that ]

Then he says, ‘yup I swear…. To me it is all a connection or not.’

‘That’s right’ I said.

He then said, ‘dol will either fuck up brains out or be that guy!!!! Ha-ha so wow… I am an under performer on paper…. I can’t sell me for shit!

 I did not quite get the gist but I figure he sounds like a player, someone who likes to have some fun. So I said to him, ‘you sound like you have been around the block a few times’.

He laughed, ‘ha ha! I have a small neighborhood! So my block is tiny. Ok so I said who I am ….. Who am I talking to?

I responded to the tiny block conversation, I said. ‘so you need to move to a bigger neighborhood,’ oh you can call me Wakanita;’ how old are you Allen’?  I hope you are not a minor’…. I was thinking maybe I am here flirting with a very young guy, and I did not want entertain  or lead on any too of a young guy even though I am enjoying this little conversation.

 He said, ‘good god’ 

 I give out, ‘what?

He continues to say, ‘I’m 83 this month; that a Kinda old picture; OK I’m just playing.’

 I said, ‘are you serious?’

‘I am 42’, he then said.

I said, ‘oh good;’……….. I was then thinking perfect age, I can flirt all I want, Wonderful.

He then finished by saying, ‘but I look 52; so that’s a plus; so you are Wendy?

 Then he lost me again saying something I did not quite understand, ‘because truth I advertising say….. I was closer than you.

I started to say something too and I started to delete it but send it by mistake, and I answered I said to him, “yes I am Wendy”; you lost me though.

 Then he went to inform me about his sexuality, ‘well I have rather a large cock… and I can fuck for hours…and I have never met a woman who can wear me out…I  like to have fun with someone who is fun and open…. That is my only real deal.’

I thought, oh boy, that’s being open and honest for you, so I said, ‘oh I see…. You are just looking for some sex? Me….. I just want some conversation and some laughs…..and you seems like you got some.’  He stops writing so I thought maybe he fell asleep, after all it was now 4:30am. So I asked, ‘went to sleep.’

And even though sex is my favorite topic and if I let loose right now I probably could have some laughs,  and some fun… but I don’t much  feel like entertaining this…I don’t want him to think I am after some cock… 

He then answered me, ‘well maybe… but I can understand that! It was fun chatting either way.’

I thought he wanted to stop talking, so I told him, ‘well Allen I have to get my beauty sleep.’ ‘Same here’.

He comes back with, ‘damn! You must be super fucking hot! Beauty sleep started half a day ago! Oh well… Story of my life. Ha-ha!! Night.

I liked this guy, he is funny and humorous, I would love to talk to him again, he is good for some laugh; so I asked him, ‘is it ok to link up you another day?’

He told me, ‘it’s up to you… I for real don’t get on here much… I thought it was fake till we just had fun!

I thought, oh my, he also enjoy the conversation, ‘ha ha… funny funny funny.’ ‘I don’t either.’

I was smiling feeling so pleased that he enjoyed our little conversation…

Then he says, ‘ok so I hope you are the black girl in the picture…Js.’ ‘I’m waiting and smiling!!!

I thought, OMG!!!!  Is he thinking I’m Paige…  then it hit me!!!! It’s Paige he likes; if I tell him it’s me, he might not want to talk to me, (next to Paige, I’m old and not as attractive) I won’t hear from him again, and I want some more of this conversation, I like him, he is cute and funny…. I am going to play along because I wanted another chance to connect with him.

So I said, ‘black girl? You think I am black? Are you back (black?)

I was trying to be srcastic… because I don’t consider us as black…. we are exotic..

He said, ‘no silly I’m not black or back! I am Irish! Black hair blue eyes.’

 I interjected, ‘I like them white.’ … was Kinda lame but…. Then I said, Ooh my favorite cousin is Irish.’ …… and there goes my first lie in pretense I was Paige.[ On the road to destruction.}

He then lost me again with, ‘Jesus I thought we passes the politically correct time of 10pm.’

 I did not know wtf he was talking about. 

Then he said really?  Oh wait, that may be the don’t make a voice call…. Damn…’

  I thought he was telling me he has to go so I told him, ‘sorry bye and goodnight.’ 

He then said, ‘ok so I have boundaries…. But clearly they are loose! Oh damn I thought we were having fun? No? Ok… well I’m sorry if I upset you…. Not my intention… night bye.

I said, ‘he is very hot-tempered too; he’s cool though; bye … until….

I ended our conversation because I was not quite understanding his statements; I keep on thinking he want to stop and then he says something else to continue and it was now almost 5am.

He said,’ now; wait was that an option? Hahaha; ok probably not! Dammit. Oh I love that this tells me you read it though!!!! But damn… I feel super rude… So I am going to bed and stop being creepy… night.

I read his messages and I went off to bed smiling, I did like and enjoy our little encounter and thought I will try again to talk to him. Just for conversation, he is rather amusing and I like that. I have never before done this, but it was fun even though he thinks I am Paige, but no harm done, he won’t know the difference. I just want to talk to him again, I like his humor and he is cute with those captivating blue eyes and that winning smile.

So I told Paige all about him and how much he likes her, she said but auntie Wendy, it’s not me talking to him, it’s you, so he likes you not me.” I told her it’s her picture he likes, he would not to talk to an old fart like me, and anyways what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, after all its just conversation….. Little did I know….

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS VERY SEXUAL AND OVER THE TOP WITH IT… I ACTUALLY FIND HIM SO AMUSING AND THOUGHT IT FUN AND VERY ENTERTAINING … I DID DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP SMILING WITH A PICTURE OF HIS FACE IN MY MIND..

THAT WAS AS EASY AS THAT …TO PEEK MY INTEREST AND HAVING ME WANTING MORE CONVERSATION AND HAVE ME SMILING AND ANTICIPATING OUR NEXT CONNECTION. I’M GOING TO LEARN SOON ENOUGH, JUST HOW POWERFUL WORDS CAN BE AND HOW ONE CAN EASILY GET CAUGHTUP AND DRAWN INTO AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ONLINE… WITH JUST WORDS…

 

 ***********************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

THE CINDERELLA ROLE….

Pot wash and draining

A clean and empty kitchen sink

Maan… everyone treats me like the stepchild in my home… especially when it comes to the kitchen….

I cook.. and I have to do the dishes and pots and floors… I do allow this treatment to an extent because I realize that complaining or asking for help doesn’t actually have any effect…

But…

I do get so annoyed sometimes to the point of anger…and sometimes lash out verbally in a belligerent attitude…

And they will take heed and wash their own dishes for a day but it never lasted more than a day…

So I keep on acting the part of a live in maid.. consoling myself with the thought that….it’s my choice and it’s my kitchen so I have to keep it clean…

Some days I am so ambivalent… and cannot make up my mind about deciding how to deal with it all…

I go through my emotions quietly because I tend to get very aggressive and say things which causes a negative reaction…

I think of leaving for a while…

But I fear what would take place when I’m gone. I would come back to a messy house…I also know that I would not be completely comfortable anywhere else.. for too long…

So I needed a solution… and nothing is coming through to me..

And I only make matters worse when I took in my niece and nephew… they only add to my distress..

Because they just follow suit and I get stuck with additional work…

I get really flustered sometimes and a little frustrated… and I’m trying not to act petty with being vindictive like.. not cooking… or just leave the sink full of dirty dishes..

Nah… I couldn’t sleep if I know that the kitchen is untidy… and I would feel super guilty to know they are hungry….

I just can’t win for losing….

Guess only option is to continue being the stepchild in this home… and get on with my Cinderella role…😊☺️😌

BEING A MOM… VS… BEING A GRANDMA…

So sweet she is

My most beautiful granddaughter…

It’s so amazing how we think so very differently as we aged enough to experience the joy of being called grandma…

Maybe it’s the experience of age..

Maybe it’s just living to see your children having children…

Or maybe it’s the journey through life that leaves us with the changes and experiences that make us think differently and treat the grand offsprings with such differences compared to how we treated our own children…

I’m so happy to be able to be alive to experience the grandchildren I have now…

But…

I do realize that I have such a different attitude and approach with them than I ever had with their parents..

I show more patience …

More understanding….

More eagerness…

I reflect back sometimes and it makes me sad sad 😞 to remember how impatient I was…how much I lack understanding…

And just how apathetic I was…

Yet I know I have loved my kids… as much as any mother could… but.. I lack that interest to give my all…

We call it discipline .. we call it structure .. we call it teaching…

Yet just years later we forget why and how we did what we did.. and doesn’t apply it to our grandchildren….

We have a complete set of new rules and expect our kids to take our new found advice and abide by them… when dealing with their kids…

My son had to remind me of how I scolded him for some kind of behavior I was insisting that he doesn’t do when he was trying to discipline his baby…

And I tried so hard to justify my then actions.. so he could understand my now reasoning for not wanting him to apply such.. with his daughter…

Life really teaches us.. and it brings changes… of how we see everything…

I have to really restrain myself from interfering with his methods of discipline… and allow him to be the father to his daughter.. whether or not I approve or not…

I guess we all have different values we try to instill in our kids…every parent have their very own…and we just have to allow and respect each and every one to be the boss of their kids upbringing…

Just as I have learned along way… I think so will everyone else too…

So I will continue to enjoy my sweet and adorable grandbabies… when I do get the chance…

And leave my kids to their parenting skills… afterall … they are the boss of them…

BESTIES 👯….TILL NOT …. Cory… part 3

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END…

We were doing well until about two months down the line.. you see Cory has his own preferences and likes… and he confided in me these things…

I indulge him when he first told me… we all have something we are into that’s our personal secrets..

So I understood this and let him go on about it.. I even encouraged him and give him room to express his feelings… I joked with him and entertained his habits even it was not something I particularly find joy in…

After a while when I realize that he chooses to share much too often these likes with photos…videos… or little jokes which tickles him …. but actually annoys me or as much as repulse me .. I asked him kindly not to share anymore with me because I don’t enjoy them …

He agrees but he continues to send them to me… so on this particular day he sent me some photos which he finds very interesting… and I guess amusing…

I said to him…

” Cory I Don’t find joy in these photos.. please stop sending me them”…

It was a text message…

Maan…. did he get upset…

He started to call me selfish and controlling….and claimed that he would never tell me to stop sending him photos even if he doesn’t like them..

He proceeded to call me 🤙 directly and we ended up in an heated argument … me being very belligerent and him criticizing my character.. trying to tell me how I am and how I like to control things.. I

I even reminded him of an incident where he did not like a inspirational video I sent because he had very different opinions and views about these kinds of videos….

We did have a discussion about it with me trying to convince him to see it through my eyes… and I had to end up accepting defeat and I promise him I will not share anymore of these kind of videos with him…

And I didn’t anymore…

I totally disagree with the fact that I am controlling and telling I own my right to choose what I like or don’t…

We were talking verbally and I’m very weak in conversation verbally… especially when I’m getting angry…

I ask him why is he attacking my character and why is he questioning my morals and dignity…

He continues to say how very selfish I am and how I am ; giving me all kinds of examples from our pass conversations…

So after I realize I’m here trying to justify my self and trying to explain too much to him .. just because I asked him not to send me those pics…

I hung up with him…

After I calm down a little.. I sent him a text asking him to let’s move past this topic seeing that we have established what I am and who I am…

He responded back .. agreeing to do so…

I did not hear from him the next few days.. he ignored all my text messages .. so I give a couple more days and send him another text…

I asked him if his lack of communication means that our friendship is over… he responded back that we have nothing to talk about unless I call him directly without the texting mode…

To be honest I was kinda annoyed with his attitude… so I told him I will call him another day…

And I told him I hope we can move on with our friendship as is .. and put all this stuff behind us…

He again tells me it’s just me trying to control everything and it’s only about what I want… he said he is not finished with our conversation as yet..

oooh boy!!!(sigh)…..

I just texted ok..

And stop …

After two days I decided to call him like he requested.. and it wasn’t long before we ended up back where we left off..I tried my best to explain and begging 🥺 him to just drop it.. because I don’t see the sense in us arguing about a subject that has no relevance to what started the whole thing.. me asking him to stop sending me those pictures….

But he just wouldn’t let go.. and then he mentioned that he was not the only one that thinks I’m controlling…

Now this started a whole new argument…because I got really upset asking him who is The others… because there is no others in our circle…

So after a few minutes of debating on that and I came up with the conclusion that the other can only be ABBEY…. she is our only mutual connection… I ended our conversation again…

Of course this really did not go well with him…but I cannot have a reasonable discussion when I’m upset….

so I sent him another text message pleading with him to let get past this phase and move forward….

He was at all receptive to this suggestion because he said we have unfinished topics…

So I let another couple days go by before I attempt again to resume our communication… he also refused to connect with me…leaving me thinking that he was waiting on me to make the first move….

I really didn’t want us to end on this note or was I willing to give up on our friendship; and so I try to be the more mature one and make that attempt to resolve our differences…

However before I call I sent him a text stating that I really want to move beyond our dispute … asking him to let’s leave it where it is…

He somehow agrees and so I called…

The conversation started on a very good note…and we talked about other subjects until he decided he wanted to mention something pertaining to the past conversations..

I allowed him.. thinking I’m going to stay as calm as I can and try to see if I can answer his questions and move away from it..

But.. again it spiral out of control and he made comments that really irks me… and I couldn’t get him to change the subject so I abruptly hang up… i was very mad at him and myself for allowing him to get me to this point..

And so I send him this last text….

I have had enough of your questioning of me..

I think it’s time for me to exit on this relationship we call friendship…

I can’t do this anymore..

You obviously can’t accept me as is and so you have the choice not to…

It was good while it lasted

I’m just too old to be trying to explain myself and justify me to ya..

We were just friends…

Not enough for you to convict me and crucify me for being me…

Goodbye 👋 Cory.

I hate how you twist everything around to suit you

And contradicts yourself.

Just so you can pin me in a corner..

You

Just pushed me over the edge…

So you just killed me with everything we were….

You win

You successfully destroyed me.. and our friendship..”

I know I was very impulsive but I just had about enough of those irrelevant subject…

So I thought I would give him a break for us to forget all this nonsense…

I know my text sounded final.. but I’m hoping I can resume connection after some time have passed…

***********************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

BESTIES 👯…. UNTIL NOT… Cory.. part 2

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END….

…… the first year went by with us enjoying conversing and sharing our lives together…

Both of us uses each other as someone to tell everything to without reservations knowing it’s just between us… we have no other connection to anyone in our circle…

OR….

This is how I view it and why I willingly confess to so much of my personal experiences… I speak freely of everyone.. my sisters ; my sons ; my friends.,..

I was thinking my feelings of distaste for them and my negative thoughts won’t cause no harm because they have no chance of ever knowing or hearing what I say or how I feel .. Cory isn’t a part of my immediate surroundings.. and some of these conversations is not for the people in question ears…. it not that it’s a secret or is it malicious in any way..

It’s just a matter of sparing feelings of hurt 😞 if told…

No one knows him.. and he knows no one…

so I vent and gripe my grievances to him freely and easily without guilt knowing it’s just between us..

We became so close ;we form a very strong bond that I even surprised myself of just how close we have grown….

And when I decided to help my ex friend abbey….

He was more than willing to help me with my campaign of helping abbey … because he saw how passionate I was to her cause…

I was very touched that he stood by me and decided to help me help her along.. I thought… only a true friend would do this kind of thing… and I admire him for it… and I hold him in very high esteem… his generosity was far and beyond…

And I was very flattered when he choose to prove his faithful friendship by doing something so out of the ordinary…

And when he sent me that voice mail I saw it as a act of loyalty to me…

I didn’t look at it.. in the sense of him deceiving her trust.. he was after all my friend…

What is two months compared to two years…???! So I didn’t hold it against him… as a matter of fact.. I thank him for letting me see her for who she was and how she actually view me as a friend…

He had some regrets after I ended my friendship with her… he didn’t anticipated me making that choice… I assured him he just opened my eyes to her true nature…

All those years I was thinking that we had a concrete bond of friendship… I just come to realize that I was just fooling myself…

Cory and I we talked for hours about it all.. me trying to understand how I never saw that side of her..Cory he just listened while I tried to make sense of it….

That the kind of friend he was.. after I think I got it all out and no more was left to be said… I asked him to not mention her name to me anymore and I will also refrain from talking about her too…

I figured they would still stay in contact and I didn’t want to have anything to do with their relationship….

and he agreed.. we continue with our friendship as is .. moving forward and beyond that episode..

But…

I never forget how he proves his faithfulness to me…

*************************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

BESTIES 👯…. TILL NOT… Cory…

IN THE BLAZE OF GLORY

I first met Cory when he likes my stories I put out… he was in awe of my writing especially because they were non- fiction…

He quickly became one of my number one fan… and would always hold lengthy conversation with me with very positive comments…

I was going through a rough period in my personal life and I was in jeopardy of losing my home.. I decided to create a GoFundMe account to try to get some help from friends and relatives …

when I posted the GoFundMe campaign Cory was one of the very first to make a. Donation… so I thank him.. he had lots of questions…and because of its personal nature ..instead of discussing it publicly with him..

I decided to send him my personal email address..

We communicate this way for a while… he has lots of questions both about the GoFundMe campaign and about my stories.

I eagerly indulge him and answer all his questions without reservations…he was easy to talk to and not before long we exchanged phone numbers…

He was in Louisiana and I am in Florida.. our friendship begins to grow rapidly..

So we became close in a blaze of glory..(fast and hard)…

We became phonepals..and began to talk daily about everything and anything…

I eagerly shared my life stories with him both present and past… I thought he was a good confidant seeing that he was a neutral position…. he is not connected to anyone else in my surroundings..

I’m older than he is so he kinda used me for advice on his love life and some of his personal issues…

I obliged willingly and I was enjoying this connection and full of gratitude for his generosity as a friend.. I consider myself blessed… to have cross paths with him…

As the month past by he became a part of my daily life .:. He was so much so…. my son started to tease me about him …making little silly remarks such as ..

” mommy got herself a boyfriend… 😂 haha 🤣 ”

He used to call me to give me his agenda .for the day… share his work and social life with me on a daily basis ….

I always receive it quite pleasantly and enjoy the little chitchat….

We continue with this relationship for apx two years…

He became a important part of my life..he picked up a job out of state which pays him quite good… and he actually shared his wealth with me.. topping me up on many occasions… one month he gives me $500… to cover some shortages I have financially…

I felt very appreciative but it leaves me a little guilty.. and Cory didn’t think twice about helping me like this…

He is a very special guy.. and so I tried to keep him close..

However Cory possesses a few attitude that I find a little annoying..

Such as .. he likes to dig very deeply into everything… and he contradicts himself all the time… he also has a habit of using what I told him …..as a confidant or things I would gripe about.. personal stuff I would voluntarily tell him because I thought he was neutral in the situation …. and throw it back in my face to try win an argument..

He would also repeat things I have already told him and he wants me to go over again with the same story… he would also analyze everything and draw his own conclusions and try to convince me he is right about how he interpreted it…

…. he has proven right on a few occasions… and I would say it to him… but he always wanted me to see things in his way….

Sometimes I would try to be patronizing and agree with him… but when I refused to see it his way it would cause an argument…

he makes very poor choices in women..and his only interest is sexual.. he never had a serious relationship and his choices in mate is never girlfriend material…

What I love about him though..is…

He is always calm…never gets rattled no matter how irritated 😣 and infuriated I get.. I would be shouting and getting boisterous … but he would never lose his composure or his cool… it is an characteristic trait I always admire and would loved to possess…

He has a very kind heart…and is very empathetic… and he is a very loyal friend…he is a good listener ( sometimes) he is always honest with me. And always tell me the truth about everything….

Cory isn’t perfect …and I had accept him for who he is and over the months of knowing him I grew to love him dearly…

Our friendship took off in a “A BLAZE OF GLORY “…..

****************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT…. part 4

MY REACTION AND CHOICES…

She disappoint me with her response.. I wanted her just say to me…

“Wendy I don’t like that you are asking Cory for money for me…please don’t or please stop…”

Anything that will counteract her voice call to Cory… I would have understood her feelings knowing her as the friend she is…

So I really became upset thinking she really was trying to ruin my reputation and discredit me to Cory… without even giving me credit for trying to help her…I shook my head and made the only choice I think was appropriate…

Walk away from this friendship.. so I decided to send her another text.. I didn’t even want to talk to her..I was done …

“Well Abbs..

I guess it takes me almost 40 years to figure out that you are not truly for me…

I’m very disappointed 😔 that this friendship was not as real to you as it was for me..

I really thought I was doing everything I can to help a friend in need..

and I centered my help around you…

And you go and discredit me to a dear friend .. a friend who was more than willing to help me help you…

Cory is somewhat of a special person… but I’m afraid o

From where I’m standing..

I see ingratitude..

I see false pride..

I see you don’t see All the effort I have been making to help you stay afloat ….

But I don’t need any recognition because I was doing it out of loyalty and as a friend…

I am withdrawing my friendship from you..

I really hoped life treats you well…Abbs

I never thought this how we would have ended our friendship..

But as things stand..

You ended it a long time ago…

And it’s so obvious that you really don’t want my interference in your life or do you need my help…

Goodbye abbey..”

She did respond with a lengthy text wanted to know if she has ever been kind to me.. and playing dumb to my accusations of her discrediting me..

And informing Me of her plans to get her finances in check…never acknowledging my efforts to be of help to her…She mentioned that she was not ungrateful but didn’t actually state for what… and she went on about how Independent she is and how she tries to do for herself…

I didn’t bother to respond to her… I just didn’t see the sense.. the forty years of friendship was not in question.. or was her character….it was all about what she said to Cory in that negative way… I didn’t want to go back in history.. and I didn’t feel like giving her my reassurance of how I hold her in his esteem because of her drive and willingness to do everything it takes to be a better person..

This was my ultimate reason for going to the extreme to try to help her get over this bump/ hurdle… I know she was capable of getting certified so she can be more flexible and versatile in the job market….

I want her to have choices and options…

I thought she understood this when I promised her to help get by until she finished with that course…

it takes just two minutes to completely destroy our lifelong friendship…and it really saddens me to know that she never appreciated all that I have tried to do for her..

And I have done so much over the years… don’t get me wrong..she has done for me too.. I could make a long list of all she did for me…because these are the reasons I value our friendship…and remain friends our the years…

And I thought it goes both ways… I always appreciate her and always was full of gratitude for being her friend…

It really hurt me to know that she didn’t quite feel the same way as I did…

So here goes…

My bestie… until proven not:…

All in all though…

what she did and say did not take away nothing from those forty years we had invested in being friends…

I still value and savor those years…it was a great friendship up until that moment..

It just comes the time to end…

I bid her farewell and wish her the best…

I know I did what I could. . She just mess it all up… without realizing what she really lost…

A TRUE FRIEND….

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT… part 3

THE MESS THAT ENDS IT ALL…

Continues….

My son decided to go to West Virginia to be with his girl while she give birth to his baby… and during those months of him being there I didn’t have his financial help so I became a little short on extra cash..

So I slacked off with my monetary help.. Cory However help when he could..

Her course was coming up to the end.. but she was far from getting her certification… and I was still not able to be of much help..

Cory ask for her number said he would like to check in on her personally…and I gave it to him..

He called her and she asked me about his reasons for calling.. I told her he just wanted to say hi and informed her that he was he benefactor the last few months…

Cory used to inform me about their conversations..

But…

Abbey never mentioned Cory to me again since that first time.. I waited for her to tell me that they are connecting and communicating but as time goes on by.. nothing…

I didn’t feel like I should ask her because Cory was letting me know they were.. and I felt she probably had her reasons for not telling me… although I couldn’t but wondering about the secret.

About a week in communicating she hit him up for money..he couldn’t wait to tell me all disappointed that she proves to be like everyone else… using him as a cash cow..

I tried to explain to him that she was desperate and probably didn’t have any one left to ask… seeing that she probably exhausted all her options …

I encouraged him to give it to her if he can afford to.. and he agreed..said that he would.. I know she needed the help…

A month Or two passed and she lost her credit for phone calls… they were corresponding via “WHATSAPP “…and she had to purchase weekly credits… like a top up….so Cory asked me to call her and asked her how much it would cost to get her phone back on.. and also find out how much she needs to get her through the month…

I did ..but I tried to not let on that I know she was asking Cory for money… so I indirectly asked her without giving away what I know…

(I did call her the day before and asked her how she was getting along and asked her if she was getting help from anyone..)

We came up with an amount That seems reasonable and she was worried about if we were asking too much..

I assured her that I knows Cory’s position and have a good idea what he can afford… and even remind her that we are really good and close friends…

So I hang up with her and call Cory to tell him what we came up with…

He said it was okay and that he would let me have it that weekend for her..

So I texted her and give her the info and let her know I will definitely remind him.. she responded by saying thanks..

I woke up to a voice text from Cory..him apologizing to me telling me how he knows exactly how I’m feeling.. I got very curious and went straight to to voice message.. trying to figure out what he’s going on about…

Surprised..!!!! It was a recording of a phone call he got from her…. ouch!!!!

She was telling him that I was very wrong in doing what I’m doing..and that she never asked me to asked him for any money… stating that I do things like this all the time and even mentioned the GoFundMe episode..how it almost damaged our friendship… and she doesn’t like my behavior but don’t want to hurt my feelings…

I really didn’t know how to take it at first….

So I took some time to think about it.. I spoke to Cory ask him what he thinks… and if he thinks there was any validation in what she said… I decided to send her a text with the reminder to Cory like I had promised… hoping she would say to me what she said to him..

I just couldn’t believe she would make such statements against me without letting me know how she felt….So I want to give her that open opportunity to let me know that she doesn’t like what I’m doing…

So I texted her…..

Hey Abbs..

Just talk to Cory and remind him of that money 💴 he said he would send..

But he’s a a bit busy at work so he said he will get back with me on it later..

Just so you know…

Hope all is well with you…

MY FRIEND…”

Her reply….

“Thanks Wendy, appreciate it.”

Oooh maan..Nope she didn’t appreciate nothing.. she just tried to discredit me to MY Friend

I just couldn’t understand it… this is my best friend.. we share everything together… we talked about everything.. good bad and inbetween…

And Cory is my friend.. I introduced him to her… where is her loyalty…

I know Cory deceived her trust..but she doesn’t even know him well or long enough to call him a friend…

And Cory was very loyal and faithful to me and our friendship… all the wrong she believes I’m doing to her…it’s me trying to help her out financially…

What did I do so wrong..??!!!

In my eyes and in defense…the only crime I committed was trying too damn hard to do right by her…

I went as far as asking my friend to help me help her..

But..

I’m not in her shoes..I can’t see it from her point of view.. and how I wish I asked her why she was so secretive about her communication with Cory… it still puzzled me…

And so my thoughts started to change…..

**********************

TO BE CONTINUED……

Part 4… My Reaction And Choices…

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT… part 2

THE MESS UP …. THAT ENDS IT ALL

…… fast forward to present….

Abbey has been having a very difficult time both financially and her living condition….

She was out of a job for a while until she picked up something a live in job taking care of an elderly lady…it is a 24hr job..and the pay is not practical for such time consumption and labor… it takes dedication and consume her entire focus…

And her employers expect her to also do house duties as well… it’s a paycheck and it helps her stays afloat…but she doesn’t have a social life..because of it time consumption… she couldn’t demand more salary because she was not qualified in the department of practical nursing Although her duties were such..:

After a year of working in this job she decided it would be wise to get certified in it..

So she makes up her mind to do a year course in practical nursing..

Only one itch..it has to be full time.. she thought about it… talked to me.. tell me her decisions and the choices she had made…

I fully encouraged her..and make a promise to her that I would do everything I can to help her along within the year she would be doing her studies…

She said she was going to also ask her brother and some other relatives to help her..

She was willing to make the sacrifice and i was all for it feeling very proud of her to actually go through with it.. I thought she has guts and was very ambitious and I know she would be able to do much better once she gets certified.:.

So she enrolled.. I helped her with some money to get it going … pay the tuition..ect.ect. and I even get her, her text book (which was very expensive and way over her budget)….and sent it to her…

I was trying to do what I can to help her along…

So she started..off in February that year … and I hold up my end of the bargain and help financially with as much as I could afford..I even went as far as asking my children and friends to help me help her.. one month when I couldn’t do it… and they came through for me.

I had some financial issues the next couple of months and so I tried to think of ways I could still accumulate the money she needs to help her along..

Sitting there thinking.. I thought of a GoFundMe.. account for her.. I had used it the year before to help me out when I needed help to save my house from going in foreclosure..

so I went ahead and created the account without consulting with her or informing her of my decision … I really thought it was not a big deal and that I was just trying to help and this was an option…

I’m Known for my overly presumptuousness ….

so I told her story …. to get my audience sympathy .. put up her picture …and posted it….

Now I had a really good and kindest friend ever… we became friends when he donated to my cause last year when I had my story running.. he actually donated four times..

And so begins our wonderful friendship… I was always so grateful to him.. and I hold him with great regards…

And he likes me so much that we became great phone pals.. we talked almost every day…

So when I put her story out

He immediately picked it up..and call to let me know that he was going to pledge $200 a month to help me help her.. because I was so passionate to her cause..

This $200 US… was more than enough to cover her basic needs… I thought it was a blessing…

He donated a $ 100 that same day ..I was so excited by his generosity that I immediately called abbey to let her know what has conspired with what I have done…

I sent her that $100 right away..

But…..

When I informed her of the GoFundMe.. account and tell her of Cory’s pledge..the reaction I had anticipated or expected was not what she greets me with…

She was very annoyed to the point of anger she said I should have discussed it with her first..and that she didn’t like that I put her business online.. that she’s very private unlike me..

I was very disappointed to say the least.. I tried to argue with her on the point of me trying to help her… and reminded her of Cory’s pledge….and that it is no big deal..

But she was very belligerent and didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say..in her eyes I was just plain wrong … I agreed with her because the truth was….

I did not ask her permission or let her know I was doing it…and so I decided to cancel the account hence there goes Cory’s pledge..

I didn’t hear from her for a few days after that.., I figured she was mad at me .. so I called and apologize to her for over stepping my boundaries… and asked her not to let this ruin our friendship… I pleaded with her to forgive me for being so insensitive and for being so presumptuous..

She reluctantly accepted my apology ..

She has the nerve to ask me though if Cory could still help her.., I simply told her no because I canceled the GoFundMe account…

I accepted the wrong and I still continue to do what I could to help her..

I told Cory what took place and he was very disappointed and hurt that she refuses his pledge but he still wants to help me help her some …but I never let her know this…he keeps on asking after her.. and insisted on helping me help her… I really appreciate his generosity and appreciated him even more as a friend..

He was proving to be a really awesome 👏 friend….

I know abbey needs the help even though she was stubborn with her unnecessary pride…

*****++++*******++++++

TO BE CONTINUED……

The build up to the final straw (part 3)

BESTIES 👯 TILL NOT….. part 1

HOW WE STARTED…ABBEY AND I

Abbey was my little sister best friend in high school… they were pretty close and were inseparable…

And so we get to know abbey, she became a frequent visitor in our home..and we all grown to accept her and love her…

Now she has had a really tough life… her mom died in child birth…and her father decided to give her to others to be raised..

She went back to her father when she started high school but he was very abusive and she became his caretaker…

So she decided to move out and live with someone else..

They In turn treated her very shabby and she played the Cinderella role..

when she finished school she decided to ask my father to allow her to stay with us for a while..

Because she wanted to get away from the life she was exposed to… she had enough and decided she wanted out of that life…

My father of course agreed.. she has become like a sister to us…

So she moved in..

My sister and I shared a bed and so she was put in the middle of us..about a month of her living with us..my sister started to treat her very unkindly… and one night They woke me up arguing about the sheet they share..

My sister was so mean to her..saying the most cruel things..telling her it’s not her sheet and to get her own..

I really was hurt by her sharp words… and I felt really sad for abbey… my sister was so inconsiderate and cold knowing abbey has no choice but to stay with us…

So I got up

Went to my drawer and took one of my sheets and give to her… and told my sister she can now stop being so mean to abbey…

And so that ended their friendship and begins ours..

*********************

We remain friends for the next forty years… and during those times abbey proves her friendship and was very loyal.. and I was as faithful…

We both had our ups and down. I had my two boys .. abbey was always there…

Helping when she could.. we spent a lot of times together and was always doing everything together…

Abbey never had kids of her own though…she was always waiting for the right time and right guy…

in the early years I was not doing so well financially or career wise..

Abbey was holding down better jobs than I was and she would willingly help me out occasionally…

These little gestures.. I hold so dear and I was always full of gratitude…. she was always so eager to help me ever so willingly..

She became friends with this American gentleman at work…and he sublet her a room in his apartment… and so .. of course I would go over to her place and we all become friends together…

This gentleman he took a liking to me.. and so I ended up doing some work for him…typing… hence bringing us closer together…

he was on a job permit from the same company… and he wanted to leave that company but stay in Jamaica to work…

So he approached me and asked me to marry him so he can get to stay and pursue a job in Jamaica…

Of course I agreed…and this one decision has helped me to relocate to the USA 🇺🇸 two years later..

And with this opportunity I was able to make a life worth living.. and I became personally obligated to my friend abbey.. and vow that I would help her in every way I can; because if it wasn’t for her introduction to “FRANCIS”… I would not be able to accomplish everything I had..

And I tried to keep my promise as much as I could over the years…

I stayed in touch with her.. and I make sure she’s foremost in my thoughts and in my budget…that even my family makes fun of me… saying things like..she must be my lover that everything I have I give to her..

I just laugh it off… because I know it’s my sense of personal obligation.. I owe her that much…

Life has not been too kind to her…it always is a big struggle for her.. and it’s not because it’s lack of trying…

But…

Opportunities was not available to her and she has had a lot of setback.. a fire destroyed everything she owned at one time… they laid her off her job another time…

Every time she gets over an hurdle something else happens… and…

Being in Jamaica … it’s never easy to get back on track.. this is where I come in and try my darnest to be of help….

And so we have had 40 years of great friendship without one argument or disagreement….

*******************

TO BE CONTINUED…….

SUMMER VISITORS…

So I had five relatives with me for one month…

I was looking forward to having them..but was worried that I might be anxious to get back my space…

But…

As it turns out. I really did enjoy the company much more than I had anticipated I would… and when they left I really was sad to see them go…

It’s funny how invaded you feel when you have people crowding your space…

You get so used to be by yourself doing everything on your own time.. that anything that upsets that mode gets annoying… and I was thinking how am I going to last the month…

So I was truly surprised when I didn’t feel that emotion taking over as the weeks went by…

I guess I was lonelier I thought…so having company was a welcome change…

Yes.. I had to get up each day and be a hostess..

Spend a little more than normal to keep everyone happy… but I found great pleasure in it…

I really surprised myself with these pleasurable emotions I got from entertaining them…

It was a really hot summer..and I didn’t have central air conditioner but everyone was comfortable… and even though we couldn’t afford to go places with our budgets..

We truly enjoy connecting and sharing and enjoying each other company..

My granddaughter really enjoyed my little niece…

Look how happy 😃 she is.. she thought she was big girl..only one year old.. and doing things like a three year old little girl…

My grandson he enjoyed her company too… I took them to chucky cheese… to play games and eat pizza ..

And did they have fun…!!! it was a blast to watch them fully enjoying themselves..

He’s a shy boy.. but she brings out his boldness…

He would never have taken that picture with chucky if she was not there to give him the courage he needs…

So we all had a fun summer.. which went by much too fast…and the house seems so empty without their presence…

We miss them so…

hopefully we will get them again next summer….

A GLIMSE IN AN OLD LADY’S 👵 LIFE ….

All seniors in our sixties… where did the years go

When did we get so old…????!!!!☺️😊🤔🤫

I get so nostalgic sometimes getting lost in time gone by…

It seems like a lifetime ago we were teenagers or younger versions of us..

I look in the mirror sometimes and I hardly recognize the person looking back at me..and I have to ask myself… when did I get so old..

Then I looked at my children …adults..having children of their own..

And I have to snap myself out of yesterday and force myself into the present..and take a good hard look at them and see them as is now ..

Instead of still viewing them as the babies I held in my arms..30 plus years ago….

It’s funny how we hold on to the past and find it so hard to let go of the images we hold so dear….

And all of a sudden I feel so old..realizing how far I have traveled to where I am today.. the journey has been good with a little bump here and there..

But..

The miles have slipped by so quickly and the journey seems to take us so far in the future …. it becomes our present…without realizing how far we have traveled..

Now looking at where I am … to where I’m coming from…it’s like waking up from a dream…

There is so much unfinished things…so much I still want to do… but taking a step back and looking back at all that I have accomplished…and that was achieved…

I smile with great pride knowing that I lived a full life… making the best of everything I had… life has been good..and yes …

I may have made some poor choices but…

I also made some good ones…

One thing I always wish for and always wish life offers is….

A chance for a “DO OVER “….

So we just have to keep moving forward…and accepting adjusting to the choices we make..

There is no going back.. there is no undoing what has been done..

Whether good or bad..

Right or wrong..

Mistakes or not..

It’s always too late to change our mind..

So we learn to make lemonade from lemons…

And just keep smiling and keep positive and just keep moving forward.. always stay optimistic that our choices are correct and if not…

We just try again.. until we get it right..

No sense in crying over spilled milk…

We just mop it up and pour another glass..

This is life.. it’s always a gamble..

A hit or miss…

LIFE IS A CHANCE.. but…IT’S ALWAYS WORTH TAKING…

And so..

We are at the end of our journey…

And we live in memories of yesterday..

And I smile every time..

And give thanks for all that life has brought me and has given me…

And I tried not to live in retrospect..

I don’t have much regrets…

I count my blessings and I live in gratitude…

A lifetime worth living….