WALKING AWAY….

My emotions are all over the place.. one minute I’m accepting that I have completely lost my emotional affair..

Next minute.. I’m feeling rejected.. empty.. .. craving his attention.. don’t know how to stop connecting.. I tried sometimes just to ignore him.. but I can never last too long especially if he send a text..

I light up.. like a bulb with smallest acknowledgment from him…

Why can’t my heart stop loving 🥰 him.. why can’t I stop wanting him… why am I so damn attached that I find it so damn hard to let go and walk away from him….

He is 4500 miles away .. with no hope of ever connecting on a personal level… this relationship is doomed from the start.. there is no future in it.. it will never materialize to reality..

I do understand.. and I do know that he needs someone real.. someone he can touch.. someone he can hold and who can be there for him up close and personal..

I have nothing to offer.. I have nothing to give.. I hold no hopes or dreams come through..

He will never know exactly who I am and what I can give.. he will Never see and know the love I have for him.. he will never experience me a lover.. as partner.. as anything….

I’m just a texting connection.. I’m nothing valid actually… nothing he can’t do without…

I know I have to let him go.. he gave as much as he can… and he is trying to give me more only in smaller doses and smaller capacity…. I wish he would let me go.. and save me the choice…

Because…

I just don’t know how to let go of him… I don’t know how to walk away from him…even when I know it’s what I need to do… and I asked myself.

Why does he hold on to me.. ????! why does he also refuses to let go… ????? why does he hang on to me????

I want him to be the one to severed our connection… and I’m guessing he wants me to do the same too..

I know the time has come for us to say goodbye…he has lost it all for me.. his heart is completely empty.. yet he text me that he loves me… no no no !!! He doesn’t anymore.. it all empty words .. just like his heart… it turns to stone .

he ignores my texts messages.. he doesn’t read them… He shut me out and shuts me off…. he is cold and very aloof towards me.. he treats me With disdain … he is very mean to me .. he gets upset with everything I say .. he cusses at me… he talk to me with bitterness and anger…

Yep… there is all the reasons I should be walking away… yet I just can’t find the courage to take the step and turn my back on a relationship that is definitely not working out for me anymore…

I just can’t understand my reasons for hanging on to him… he gives me all the reasons to leave….and what do I do…???!!

I choose to stick around and take the hurt.. feel the rejection… accept his abuse… and let him treats me with contempt…..

He calls me dumb.. he called stupid.. tells me to shut up.. and you know what .. he is so right.. because plainly I am and more….

Only a fool would stay with all this negativity and tells herself that she’s so in love that she can’t and won’t walk from this relationship that has become toxic instead of being joyful and sweet.. it has turned sour…

What will it take to cut him loose … it shouldn’t be so hard to do.. he is only a make believe world of fantasy I created …..and somehow to me..we became real inside my world of fantasy…

I know there is no getting back what he lost 😞… it gone.. it over.. it done… but I keep telling myself that a little of him is better than not having none of him..

But…

Is there any truth in that logic… nope… I’m only fooling myself and causing me more anguish and excruciating pain…

I need to just close the door on us and just savor the times we have had.. that brings me so much joy… remembering him when I was his main focus…

So starting now I guess I guess I will try to ignore him as much as he is ignoring me… leave his ass alone for as long as I can..

He is never coming back.. so all hopes is dead… he will not miss me.. and he will not try to reconnect…

So it will be a clean break…

My heart will learn to stop aching for him.. and the craving will eventually dissipate…. the tears will stop… and my heart will be healed.. the scar will remained… and maybe grow a callus…

It will take some time to get past him and the times we shared….with time everything will fade away and the smile 😃 on my face will return… yes .. yes .. yes I have lost him….. I know it…

I don’t and will never regret knowing him and loving him… I will always be grateful that he came along and share his world with me.. and I will always remember this mega love that I felt for him…

I will always smile 😃 whenever I think of him .. or whenever I see those emojis kisses 💋💋💋… or whenever I reflect on the time he was mine.. he was once…

So the time has come for me to let him go… and walk away.. with seven years of sweet memories…

I just hope he finds someone who love him unconditionally like I did.. and who will make him happy and keep him smiling.. and give him the joy that he deserves….

I want to thank him again for giving me the joys of him… for sharing his world with me.. for teaching me so many things… for loving me the times he did… but he doesn’t read my text messages.. so it would be a waste of time to express anything to him…

He came into my world and he made a big difference to my daily existence… no lie. He brought a light to my life… “it out now.. but I can remember when he light up my whole world… it was good.. it was awesome… it was absolutely amazing…. and how I have enjoyed every single moment we shared…. and how I beamed and shine so brightly glowing with the radiance of happiness….

I will definitely be missing him for a long long time… but I can’t make him love me again.. I can’t make him want me again.. he has lost it.. and once it gone.. it’s dead… and there is no way of getting it back…

So I am left with no choice but to walk away.. and let him fully enjoy his life.. without me…

There is no more us.. nothing is left to hang on to… like a drowning man clutching on to a straw….!!!! It’s the end of us .. I’m sinking to the bottom.. this relationship can’t be resumed or be saved…,!!!!!!

Walking away is the only option there is….

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR…AN ABRUPT ENDING…

LOVE 💕 IS SWEET

How do you calm your heart when the source of your love decided to replace you.. and walk away…

How do you stop all this emotions from overflowing and drain you of all your joy…

What measures can you take to prevent you from getting a panic attack with the thought that there will never be another him and you…

How do you come to terms with it.. how do you stop the tears… how do you just get over seven long years… of memories….

How do you close your mind.. close your heart…

How do you block all that you have shared…

I need to run away.. but there is no where to run… I need to lock myself away..from the whole world… but I can’t find nowhere to hide….

I tried to be patient.. I tried to be understanding..

I tried to be positive…

But so many signs..

His lack of sharing

  • His lack of communication
  • His lack of interest…
  • His lack of acknowledgement…
  • He has become evasive…
  • Always too busy for you….

He only talks about hisself… he ignores anything you say to him.. his response is slow… and contain one word….

You can feel you no longer hold any joy for him… he makes you feel like a nuisance…

I guess after seven years of distance.. you become boring… and he yearn for someone more exciting.. more fun.. more appealing.. more interesting…

And you have to admit that this make believe world of fantasy could not last forever…

And you have to gracefully bow out and Continued to live your life in dreams of yesterday’… when love was so good… when the world was a happy place…

And you just hang on to those happy times.. and through the tears.. we smile as we reminisce.. and remember.. we had it all. For just a moment…

SHATTERED HEART !!!

Seven years of blissful memories.. when we share our world…so much that they become intertwined… and to untangle it now is going to be hard…

Letting go will be hard.. and getting used to not having him as part of my daily life..going to be a big challenge … but all good things must come to an end …

THE END….

ONLINE DATING: THE RISE &FALL OF FOREST ANGELS/ HELL ANGELS…part 7

THIS IS REBLOG…

FOREST ANGELS…..

WE PLAYED EVERYDAY FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS… ERICA AND I GOT MOST OF THE PLAYTIME.. WE HAD JENNY JOINED OUR GROUP ABOUT A WEEK AFTER BUT SOMEHOW SHE ONLY SERVED TO ADD SPICE TO OUR SESSIONS.. SHE WAS A VERY SENSUAL ADDITION… SHE NEVER PLAYED  ACTIVELY WITH US…BUT HER PRESENCE WAS ALWAYS THERE…

NELLY ALSO WAS NOT ABLE TO PARTICIPATE TOO OFTEN AND ONLY JOINED US OCCASIONALLY… SHE WAS A BLAST TO HAVE HER INVOLVED… SHE WAS INTO THINGS WE WERE NOT… FIFTY SHADES OF GREY… AND SO SHE BRINGS  AND INTRODUCED THESE ROLE PLAY IN AND WE ALL GO FOR IT…

We were all in sync, enjoying each other as lovers and as friends… The angels were humorous and so was FOREST… he was having a ball with the four of us… He kept us horny and if he couldn’t play he would send us very provocative and stimulating videos..

we all grew attached to him in our own way… we found out beneath and behind his sexual facade… that he really was a nice compassionate and sweet man..there was more to him .. surprisingly …We try not to get too personal though…

The angels were talking among themselves; (forming of “HELL ANGELS”) and sharing personal information….with each other and becoming fast friends… It was here we learned and talked about our personal struggles and our everyday happenings… encourage… inspired.. motivates….. and form a lasting bond..

So back to “FOREST ANGELS”….

Forest hit us up with a good morning angels…

-erica:..    goodmorning my irish cream…

-Jenny:    morning my sexy peeps…

-Nelly: good morning forest…

-You:    Good Morning Sweet Lover and angels..

-forest:   what you all doing ladies???? Horny as fuck…

 

– You:   Oooooh forest.. I’m here daydreaming of your hard.. Stiff….Juicy..,rock hard.. Cock Just pumping my Hott soaking wet pussy.. As it clenches and gripping that nine inches  fuck meat.. Enjoying you thrusting and raming that cock deeeep… And haaard… Moving and pushing into you..as you hold my hips.. Pulling me in .. Aaaah.. Oooooh .. Fuck me lover….

– You: Fuck me gooooooddOooooh…

– Forest:     ooh yeah wendy.. I’d be Fucking ramming that juicy cunt…
– Erica..,: I’m so wet… come and play with us master…
– You:       Yeeeaah. Yessss Yessss….Don’t stop!!!….Erica.. Come here baby…
– Erica..,:      Yes ma’am
– Forest:    Yeah… angels..that’s it…
– You:       Slide under my mouth
– Forest:     Let daddy watch y’all fuck each other
– You:     Let me taste you….. Mmmmmm
– Forest:   Stroking my fucking cock… so hard… suck that pussy wendy…
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm yes… feels so good.. daddy you love how wett I am for you..
– You:    Wett…..Juicy… lover come kiss some of this tasty juice off my lips…
– You:     Hand me that silver bullet… Let me fuck you as I lick and suck your big engrossed clit…

– Erica..,:     Oh yes angel..pleeeassseee????
– Forest:     Good girls…. daddy love when you love each other…
– You:      Daddy o.. stick that hard  cock in Her mouth… Fuck her face…
– Erica..,: Yes daddy… I need your cock….
– You:    I’m slowly putting this silver bullet in.. inch by inch…loving how it vibrating…
– Erica..,:    Mmmm…. it’s driving me crazy baby…
– You:         Rubbing your thighs… as they shake with anxiety and excitement…
– Forest:      I mount your fucking face
– You:       Mmmmmm…lover.. you look good in her mouth…Tastsy…
– Forest:      Show me a pic of your open mouth
– You:           Mmmmmm.. Suck his big cock Erica as IM Fuckiin you deep and hard.. All the way in… and all the way out…  slowly…. And again in hard.. Deep…
– Forest:      Take this man meat you naughty lil angel…
– You:          Make her gag…Hold her throat… help it down…
– Erica..,:      Photo

erica send the photo he requested…
– You: put it down deep …she can take it. .. Suck that cock Erica…

– Erica..,:      Mmmmmmmmm… (licking… sucking  and loving how he taste)

– You:     Milk that cock… Look so tasty… Mmmming… kitty is begging for some… she is twitching fervently…
– Erica..,: Choke me with it daddy
– You:      Erica I want to feel this vibrating silver bullet in my kitty..
– Erica..,: Mmmmmm…..I’ll put it there..
– You:    I love the way it looks in you…
– You:     daddy fuck erica while she use that silver bullet on me…
– Erica..,  :yesss Daddy .. fill me up with your hard wett throbbing dick… and make me squirt all over you…
– Forest:     Fuckin balls slapping your chin as I fuck your mouth
– You:        come over here lover.. Fuck my ass as she fuck my pussy

– You:      Oooooh yeah.. Erica reahed up and squeezed his hanging balls.
– Erica..,:   Yumm….slap my face daddy

– Forest: You want some fucking cock in your ass my lil angel..
– Erica..,: Yes daddy

– You: Yessss!!!!Please sweetlover….My ass is winking…Begging to be fucked…Pleeesse … now..
– Erica..,: Photo …

Erica sent a photo of her beautiful sexy ass…
– Erica..,:    Ass in the air take it… I’m ready for you master.

– You:     Mmmm … let’s Switch it up… Mine then yours…. but Fuck me  first please…
– Forest:   Face down ass up my lil sex slaves..  Reach back and pull your fucking holes open…oooh yesss…
– You:    Plunge all that nine inches in.. I’m Pulling wide..
– Erica..,:     Yes daddy ooooooooo
– You:       Aaaaaaah… Yes… love the feel of that glorious man meat…as it slide in and out….
– You:     Kiss me Erica?

– Erica..,:     Muahhhhhh…
– You:         Slap my ass daddy….
– Forest:     Fucking spitting on your assholes
– Erica..,:    Oil us up daddy… make it slick and slippery…
– You:     Make it sting….put a finger in mine as you do erica..
– Forest:   I’m gonna stick my fucking tongue in your asses….Cuz I’m that fucking nasty….
– You:      Ooooh yeah… be very nasty lover… make us gushed…

– You:     Be nasty….Be very nasty….
– Erica..,:    We like you nasty…stick a finger in my snatch as you lick my asshole….
– Forest:      Stretching your assholes open
– You:        Lick this butt hole
– Erica..,:     Spank me red daddy

– Forest:     Then start tongue fucking
– You:       Yessss – Here you are… tongue fuck me…
– Erica..,:   Bite me…
– Forest:    Back and forth…. Fucking slapping asses hard…
– You:    Oooooh godddd….I’m Cummin… don’t stop lover…
– Forest:     Mmmmmmmmm yesssss…. glaze me…
– You:    Oooooh Shiiiiiit!!!!!
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmmm…..hurts so good
– Forest: God I fucking love your assholes…
– Erica..,:     Love your cock daddy…
– You:       Oooh yeah. Love that tongue tooo…
– Erica..,:    Harder and deeper
– You:         Lick it.. Fuck it
– Erica..,:     Photo …

a another photo from erica….

 
– You:   Use your fingers in mine lover….
– Erica..,:  This ass hole is loving your hard cock as it darts in and out….

– Forest: Yesssssss…. Darting my tongues in an out your fucking naughty assholes…
– You:      Put a finger In my pussy too – Ooooooohhhhhhh…yesssss….
– Forest:     Start finger fucking both your holes
– Erica..,:     Reaching under and rubbing my clit
– You:         Yeeeaah
– Foest:      Finding those gspots
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmmmmmm
– You:       Mmmmmm
– Forest:   Tweaking the fuck outta them
– Erica..,:    Make me squirt daddy
– You:        Oooooh foooorrreesssttt
– Erica..,: Ooooooooooo mmmmmmmmmmm
– You:      Fuck me.. Fuck me. Fuuuuccckkkk meeeee
– Forest:    Faster and faster fingers tickling your gspots
– Erica..,: I’m cummmmmmmming
– Forest:      Fucking cock lovers.
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
– Forest:    I fucking love yall
– You:      Oooooh Fucckkk Yeeeaah

– You:     Don’t stop
– Forest: Ready to get your asses plugged?
– You: I’m Cummin again…. Plugged it… fill it up with cock…
– Erica..,: Love you too lover…..Yes daddy…

We played for another half-an-hour taking turns with Forest… we had such a good time making virtual love with each other… Nelly join in later on and we played a scenario with forest tied up and we teased him to the limit … make him watch us do each other with a strap on.. while Erica oil him and touching him closely but not fully … putting her lips so close and blowing on his hard bobbing cock.. him hiesting his hips so high urging her to take him in… 

then nelly straddled him and tease him with touching the tip of his cock with her kitty and moving away while she dribble juices all over him… he was oozing precum and bouncing in excitement… 

Erica was on his face with her kitty in his mouth… her eyes closed… enjoying his tongue as it lick and dart in and out of her oozing wett juicy cunt.. she was fucking his face as he groan with slobbering sounds…

proceed to love on his chest biting and nibbling on his nipples moving down to his belly button and kissing his groin area … rubbing my thumb ever so gently under the tip of his cock.. and …O.M.G.!!!!!  he shoots his spunk with such a force hitting the ceiling and all over my face…  Nelly start to stroke his pulsating cock… and Erica came over… squeezing his nuts and gently rubbing them…

forest squealed with pure pleasure and cum again spewing more spunk as he jerk and shaking in divine ecstasy…
Jenny pop in ever so often with a comment here and there… “damn hott”…. “Give it him angels”….ect. ect.ect…

Our playtime lasted continuously for a little more than a month… and one day we came on to find forest being suspended… The angels was devastated and we misses forest so much… We were all mad and so angry that someone reported him and got him suspended.

But we all had each other to talk to … Forest came back a week after but he was not the same and Nelly has left the group.. then Jenny and it dispersed… The Hell Angels was still intact and we continue without Forest…. Who by then has changed his profile and stop communicating with us… The fall of “FOREST ANGELS”….

We all were a little hurt by his actions… but we all accept it knowing it was a game to us and it was over…

The angels stayed together up today…  we all meet in Louisiana… we had a blast of a time getting to know each other personally… We always give thanks to Forest for bringing us together.. It’s a very strange way for a lasting friendship to form… but it is a bond that was creates by four girls with all similar likes… and common attitude…

We now encourage each other.. cheer on each other… love each other… and be there for each other… not a day go by we don’t say Hi and connect…So here’s to the four “Hell Angels” that fly together… WENDY….. ERICA….NELLY….JENNY…

There is a ocean between your heart and me….

music.apple.com/us/album/dont-leave-me-now/1531120313

The heart doesn’t know distances..doesn’t care how far away the object of its love is..

The heart wants what it wants…. even in a make believe world of pure fantasy… it becomes real and feel real…

Loving someone knows no boundaries and love can be found right where you are..

How often does life take two people and just melt them together ‘emotionally in a way that puts them in the same place and time…

This has happened to me more than once.. which makes me big believer in the impossible…

Our world became intertwined and interwoven ….merging two heart from around the globe..oceans in between…

it’s like all of our feelings and senses are totally heightened…We feel like we are experiencing this together.

Our parts have crosses as fate has it..and words are so powerful.. it impossible to resist each other…

We fell for the personality of the other… and we grow and developed an affinity… a unbreakable bond…

Trust became a vital virtue… communication is essential.. and sharing is all we have….

But our hearts 💞 remains true… and although we are loving 🥰 from afar… our heart doesn’t detect the distance between us…

There is an ocean between your heart and mine..

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: MAKE BELIEVE WORLD….

EVERYTHING REAL…

It’s so easy to create a world of make believe to suit your situation…. the heart tend to give the impression that love can conquer and break down every barrier…

It pushes those endorphins through every vain of you body deriving from that rush of adrenaline you get from your bond of connection…

Every emotions you feel… every desire you get… seems so real.. enough so you believe it… and the distance between you closes in… so much you can feel their touch… and all of a sudden your make believe world is created….

MAKE BELIEVE WORLD

Getting emotionally invested.. and getting your heart entangled with someone you will never know… is not recommended….

Because even though you think it’s All innocent and no real harm is committed…when you are pushed out or pushed aside… to make room for someone new.. it still hurts in the same capacity as it was real…

It’s not innocent then…because you become so hurt… you know it’s harmful to those emotionally involved….

Losing their attention and their interest.. is devastating… and so unbelievably surreal … as much as you know that this relationship was never going to materialize.. the emotional investment makes it so hard to willingly walk away….

Getting used to to connect every day allow it to become unbearable not having this privilege anymore…. you form this remarkably affinity…and even though it’s a waste of energy to get all emotional about something way out of your control…

It does have this effect on you… you automatically have uncertainties… follows by doubts… and fear of losing your best friend..

The question is … do you still exercise explicit trust…continue to share… maintain communication… CHANGE NOTHING… and hopes NOTHING CHANGES…

Hope the the bond you created is strong enough to withstand.. the pressure of someone new.. ..

But how much can your heart takes.. will you able to pretend that it’s all good…and ignore the lack of interest and the lack of attention… while secretly being patient with the hope that it wears off soon and he will come back around to you….???

Give them space.. free them up to enjoy their newfound interest… if he really likes you.. he won’t stop.. he is just a little distracted right now with the splendor of the newness… but not everything that glitters is gold…

And if it is meant to be.. if all those memorable moments are special… they might miss you if you give them the space to do so…

It takes a Patient man to ride a donkey… without trust and understanding.. their is no relationship…

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LIVING IN FANTASY…

WORLDS APART… WHEN TWO WORLDS COLLIDE..

There is a kind of thrill… that comes with intriguement …mixed with a surge of excitement.. when you connect with someone from around the globe…

You get to learn so much.. from their language..to their culture.. their historical facts.. first handed… and then you learn everything there is about that one person you are connecting with…

No matter the platform of communicating.. in the beginning.. it fun to talk and learn… the more you connect the more you know each other as is… you figured out there personality and sometimes you find you have this strong connection…

And if you fall for someone’s personality… then you definitely fall for them.. looks is never important when you like someone for their personality..

But…

What destiny was it that pull you together… and make your world collided…how did you happen to cross paths… that allows such a beautiful connection…

Of course it’s not everyone you meet this way… is going to have this results or affects you in the same way…

But…

On rare occasion someone finds this connection.. and over time . It is proven that words and sharing.. is a powerful magnet… and before you know it.. you are emotionally invested… with someone you don’t even know on a personal level….

And when the heart chooses to get involved… it becomes a huge challenge emotionally…. and here is where the fantasy world begins….

How do you stay logical and practical.. and realistic…

Especially if there is no hope of a real relationship to materialize… yet letting go or walking away is not an option… because just the thought of stopping communication and breaking connection causes excruciating pain.. and you know it would be devastating….

How long is this fantasy gonna last before one of the party losses interest…

We get so caught up living in our fantasy world.. that we begin to believe in it… we tried to hold on to it like a lifeline… so blinded to the true fact of the matter… that none of this is real unless you both decided to make it so..

No relationship can survive in fantasy land… yes two words can collide.. and you experience serendipity…

But ..

Unless you both make it real by Uniting.. be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before this fantasy world collapses. And crumbles…

HEART CRUMBLING

Leaving you with only memories of yesterday… wondering what happened to the love you knew…. a connection based on fantasy will never survived…

That broken heart 💔 is very real though… it comes with intensity…. and you are crushed just the same… your heart doesn’t know distances… the love you feel is real and genuine…

LOST LOVE 💕

So you just have to remain realistic… be practical… and exercise some logics… don’t go expecting the impossible… when it’s way beyond your control…

TRUST AND SHARING…..

BEAUTIFUL SUNSET 🌇

Building a relationship is never easy… when you meet someone… there is a sweet kind of excitement.. and the desire to be with that person is always in its strongest mode…

After the novelty had worn off… and that special sweetness has dissipated.. you have to find reasons and ways to keep the relationship alive..

You are now emotionally invested.. you lost some of the attention.. those with insecurities will tend to feel neglected.. lose their confidence… and start to have all the negative thoughts possible…

But…

What do you do to retain your status.. and not push away the party with all kinds of petty.. childish and immature behaviors…

Two main virtues that is required … in my personal experiences and in my opinions.. is…

Trust and Sharing…

Yes they are lots of other attributes needed…such as… understanding…. patience… self love… confidence…and trusting his love…

It’s pretty hard when it’s a close personal relationship… when life takes over.. it’s hard to adjust when one partner doesn’t have the time for another .. and their time is totally consumed with everything but you….

All the wrong emotions surfaced .. you started to question everything… doubts became a second nature …. you began to fear losing…, fear of rejection… your bubbly personality is replaced with doubts… and distrust..

Some walked away prematurely.. because they fight with their hats…

Some push away and shut out… the other… then build a barrier around themselves….

Those who don’t have the courage.. or can’t find the strength to leave.. stay and bring misery to the relationship.. and no matter how much the other try to persuade them that it’s all good . They refused to believe .. and can not be convinced to change their thoughts…

Eventually…. the relationship can’t withstand the pressure and fall apart…

Then there is the scenario of a long distance relationship… this is where sharing and trust plays a vital and crucial role in the relationship…

It takes a vast amount of trust to make this relationship works … and good communication is the only connection… sharing each other worlds..is all there is…

And everything is perfect as long as there is open communication..

But..

What happened when one partner decided to stop… become evasive… stop having time for the other… they can be seen online.. but they are not connecting with the other…

This is where trust has to be applied with extremity … but how do the affected party deals with this on a personal level…

They are aware that they can’t control what the next do with the distance in between… they have to be practical and somehow logical.. that they are not the only thing in their life….so they have to give room and space to allow them the freedom…

I guess you just have to make up my mind to share them and their attention…. Sometimes… and fully applied your Faith of trust..

they have to learn that there’s so much more to their life than just communicating with them….

You can’t get too selfish.. with them… because all you really have between you.. is sharing and trust…
and you have to trust them explicitly …
And continue to do so .. unconditionally …

You have to give them space to have fun and fully enjoy their other connections..

Yes.. it’s gonna hurt your feelings… and you might feel a surge of jealousy..

But you have to suffer in silence.. pretending you are strong … give them the impression that you truly trust them.. let them think.. what you don’t know won’t hurt you…

Let them have their laugh…

Time will tell… you may have to walk away eventually… but don’t do it too immaturely…

Take time to make sure they have fully lost all interest and it’s just not a case of being too busy. Too tired.. just need some alone time..

Don’t be too hasty and impulsive… you might live to regret your choice… and don’t voice your negative concerns…

Change nothing… Nothing will change…

We do let our minds and thoughts sometimes take control of us … but we need to block out all negative emotions.. especially if they are just circumstantial… and not concrete evidence…

Exercising trust is very vital to any and every relationship…

Sharing is also essential.. because then each will be assured… and build better trust..

The sunset 🌅 from above…

MATTERS OF THE HEART ♥️

A BROKEN HEART 💔

SHATTERED

In all my adult life.. all the connections I have form.. have ended with a broken heart 💔….

Rejection is one emotions… I became familiar with…. I have cried many a tears .. after being crushed by a lover… I have experience excruciating pain… from being rejected..

CRUSHED

Rejection.. brings and conjured up so many negative thoughts … feelings… and emotions… especially when you are totally invested emotionally….

For some reason… I will be the perfect girl.. until I’m face with rejection. I have never learnt how to deal with this one emotion..

My first reaction is is to run.. get away from the person and the source..I get discouraged… I withdraw in a shell… I become timid. Unsure.. I lose my confident composure..

I get scared of losing.. but don’t know how to hold on… I’m always ready to run…. I pull away.. I stop communicating.. afraid of the answers to any questions I may asked….

What do don’t know won’t hurt you..

What the eyes don’t see…. the heart won’t leap…( get hurt 😢)

All my life… I yearned for someone to love me.. just love me unconditionally ..

Okay .. got married three times.. all ended for some reason or another..

Had a few flings in between and after… nothing permanent…after all fails …..

I decided to try online… I mess up here too.. my first time was a big disaster… the second.. third.. ect.. was not better… still come away with a broken heart…

WORLD APART

I found I have a way with words….. i could use my words to persuade any situation… when I started online… I had many admirers who genuinely likes me… because of what I have to say…I guess I didn’t know the power of my words … and what a huge impact they have…I tried to control the connections until my heart decided to step and get involved…

I find it very hard to keep my emotions out of the equation… I easily catch feelings… I’m always so vulnerable… even though it’s not on a personal basis.. it just virtual.. I struggle to maintain a causal connection… at first I thought I was able to do this without becoming emotionally involved… but before long…I prove myself wrong…

I decided I’m no good at this so I gave it up.. before I had completely dissolved my accounts..I had this one guy that I really liked.. and he said he likes me too…

He suggested we switch corresponding platforms and I agreed.. then he asked me to be exclusive to him.. I again agreed…

I was not having much of fun anymore anyways… and I really like this guy… he was not a fake.. he is as real as they come .. and he communicate with me everyday and he always responded to me no matter what…

I love this and the attention it creates..I really believed he likes me… he started to share his world with me.. so much I grew accustomed to talking to him everyday…

Before I know it .. 7 years has passed… nothing has changed.. except.. for some unknown reasons.. my feelings began to escalate… I realized I’m demanding more of him… yet most days He spent talking to as I wake up and reach out to him.. till he goes off to sleep..

He never ignores me… but I find myself doubting him… for no apparent reason….I’m getting so insecure… and me .. I’m so crazy… expecting him to sit on that phone and talk to non stop…

OThere is .. 4500 miles between us…he has a complete life.. he is not lacking in any department..

He has his family.. and he’s very much involved in their lives.. he got his job.. his friends. His hobbies..

And he has me.. and maybe. Others… an online connection… why he choose to continue to talk to me and share his world… I really don’t know..

But.. I’m not even someone to him..

I’m something.. a connection from another continent.. who thinks he’s most perfect man.. who value all his suggestions.. lessons.. listen intently to his stories and believe every word he said without query… who gets involved in his hobbies… I’m his biggest fan..

I’m not a permanent fix in his life.. I’m not essential to him. I don’t add anything to his life.. he already has it all..

So if I’m not there anymore.. it will never affect him… he can easily cut ties without a second thought…

And this is what hurts so bad… to know he doesn’t need me…

on the flip-side. There stands me..

I’m single… kids grown.. retired ..not much friends.. zero hobbies… so I look to him for entertainment.. I Cling to him for emotional support…. I need him to brighten my day…to give me something to look forward to…. I crave his attention.. I get so involved in his world and his hobbies just so I can stay connected to him….

So now I’m left to step way back and suppressed all this romantic emotions that I choose to develop .. creating the emotional havoc on my heart…. I need to back off and drop it all if I want to continue connecting with him…

Because he’s practical enough to know that this is just friendship. It can not be anything else so why start something that could never materialized….

Yess .. I’m overreacting.. I’m overthinking.. I’m crossing all kinds of unnecessary lines…

He spent hours on the phone with me.. and I’m so selfish that I doubt him or thinks he is ignoring me.. when he is not online… as if he has no life outside me or his phone..

I’m just fortunate that he loves his phone so much… he like addicted.. and so to be honest.. I abuse this… but I have to learn to give him space..

Yes my heart is breaking.. but I’m the one who is solely responsible this time…

LOST LOVE 💕

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LOVING 🥰 FROM AFAR…

TOUCH ME IN THE MORNING….

LOST LOVE 💕

I know three minutes is long but please watch and give me your honest review…

  • Stupid
  • Immature
  • Obsessive
  • Foolish love
  • Overreacting
  • Mushy
  • Plain crazy

I’m very open to criticism.. you won’t offend me…

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: LOVING 🥰 FROM AFAR….part 2…

ON A RAINY SITE….

So my fears and my insecurities were valid….I struggled so much with myself about confronting him about my doubts and my suspicions… and now I’m left wishing I did .. me trying to stay logical and calm .. not wanting to create any negativity…

In my head I was thinking it’s not worth losing this connection with him… I’ll continue conversing normally… I even asked him.. “ baby… please don’t stop loving 🥰 me!!!????”

He replied.. “ I will not baby…!!!”

I thank him for his reassurance and briefly let him know the fears I have been having of losing him and his love….

How I’m wishing I had address my fears at least I would have known why…..no matter how broken hearted it would have left me…

Because…

Yesterday I told him good night. And I leave him alone to sleep… come midnight when it is his morning.. I noticed he’s not online as usual… so I figured he called off work since he hurt his thumb yesterday…

Busted his thumb..

So I decided to wait a couple hours or so to write to him thinking he’s still asleep…

I was still up at 2 am… 9 his time.. and although I still didn’t see his presence online.. I thought I would send him a message before I dozed off…

And to my horror… I realize that my message was not being delivered…so I checked into it.. while becoming frantic with fear that I actually lost him for real…

The next couple of hours I was filled with anxiety.. and a dreadful sense of lost.. my heart was racing and felt like it was wrenched out….knowing I have no way of connecting to him…. I started to panic.. so much that I had to talk myself out of it…

I keep asking myself.. how can he be so mean to me.. why couldn’t he just let me know he lost his desire to stay connected… yes I would be crushed.. to the point of devastation.. but at least I would get to say goodbye ….. I tried to sleep.. but couldn’t.. each time I close my eyes I developed a panic attack… I was up all night.. didn’t exactly know what to do..

I called him straight it went to voice mail. I called him on discord.. I called him .. however fruitless it was… on WhatsApp… I was a complete mess…

I tried to stay calm .. and not going into a frenzy .. my whole world was unraveling… my heart was smashed… I love that man.. I grow so in love with him.. and now I’m gonna lose him… I was so sure…we would never say goodbye….

7 years… talking everyday…. how am I going to get past it.?????

At about 9 am I got a text message from him.. letting me know that he left his phone at home.. I did not reply immediately…

I went on a couple of hours later.. and type his name… his response was so harsh???

“ what??!!!

How could I text you when I didn’t have my phone…”

I was tempted to tell him I know that he actually blocked me….. and I wanna comment on his very angry 😤 attitude… but why add fuel to the flames… so I simply told him that I do understand …meaning… that he left his phone at home….

He was off somewhere.. not responding.. I kinda figured that he’s using a different app to communicate with his new flame… so I continue to write…

But maaan..
I was really beside myself.
I really thought you blocked my number”…..

“Baby..
Would you like to stop connecting with me.???!!!..” I asked…

“Tell me honestly if you lost all joy with me…
Would you rather me not communicating so much..

Talk to me baby…
I will understand

We have been together for 6 to 7 years now .
And maybe you no longer see my friendship as needed anymore…

I would very devastatingly crushed but I will understand..

I know you may also have found someone new and much more exciting to communicate with online…

All I’m asking is for you to tell me..

I never wanted to lose you and your friendship.. you are become such an important part of my world..
But I may not be able to give you all the pleasures you need from this connection….

Please talk with me.. because I have noticed how distant you are of late and I felt you drifting away.. and I feel like I’m being a nuisance sometimes….

So please , please baby.. talk to me..

This is all we have between us…”

He came back on half an hour later… and said.. “ you are not…. stop being crazy…”.

He was so evasive .. he didn’t even comment on anything I said…. he purposely avoided it all.. so I just played his game…. and reply quite coyly …

“Okay 👌 baby enough said.. It’s just so many things and thoughts went through my mind this morning.. moving forward…”

He responded with great lack of interest….”💋💋💋”

Those kisses always means that he’s really too busy with something else to be bothered…

I went on to ask about his sore thumb…. it is as if it hurts him to talk to me…

One word.. hurts…he sent e pic of his site… of course it’s the one he took for her…to show her while he communicate at work… she’s getting all my attention that was mine just last week….

I made a couple comments in reference to it… and his response was so evasive.. “ yup”..

SPICY CHICKEN WITH CREAM SPINACH….

He then sent me pics of what he was cooking… and I just played along pretending that everything is the same .. he sent the duration of his preparation with me.. and kept communicating until he finished his last bite…

HIS LAST BITE…

I made a statement that he must be so full and that he needs to fully relaxed because it’s well deserved….. and that was it… he left WhatsApp and never came back on..

About four o’clock.. I sent a goodnight text just to see if he blocked me again or not… I was not… but I know it was just too early for him to sleep.. so I know exactly where he was…

I was hurting so much. So I called everyone that was available to talk with me just so to distract my disturbing thoughts… I could feel the tears threatening to overflow.. but I refuse to give in to them…

He was never mine to have…although I was so enjoying our connection….he’s so cold to me now..I tell myself… I should walk away… but Im going to patiently give me a week or so to figure out my next move…. hopefully by then.. my heart will learn to accept my loss… and hopefully grows a callus…

Gonna miss the color he brought into my life .. but most of all I’ll miss my friend… we are never promised one more day or night…remember baby.. there will never be another you.. another me… another life for us to see…. to give each other all we did…time goes by so fast.. I want to make each moment last…. I wanted to hold on to you.. and show you all that our love 💕 could be…. I can’t and won’t let go so easily… THERE WILL NEVER BE…ANOTHER YOU…ANOTHER ME…

https://music.apple.com/us/album/i-miss-my-friend/1443644667?i=3447056

My heart is breaking.. the tears is unstoppable….

I’m trying so hard to be understanding… trying so hard to hold onto him… but as usual I never learn how to deal with rejection…all of a sudden I’m shy… so afraid of the answers I might get if asked…

I’m trying to give him space… trying to be patience.. but I’m so fearful of the outcome that’s awaiting me…

*********+************++++********

TO BE CONTINUED…..

MY EMOTIONAL AFFAIR: Loving 🥰 From Afar…

BABY…!!!!

Two people cross paths..from two different continent… form a connection.. became friends.. share each other worlds… is it possible this Bond can developed to affect the heart….

I have an emotional affair with such a person… and we have been corresponding for the better part of six years… we talked everyday.. and I looked forward to our conversations…

There is a time difference of 5-6 hours between us … but no matter how busy he is … he always takes the time to respond to me… acknowledging my text messages…

We communicate mostly via text.. and occasionally a video call … he shared his whole world with me.. and try to involved me in his daily life…

Over the years.. I grew more and more attached to him…. and I find that my heart knows no boundaries… there is 4500 miles between us… and although sometimes I want so much to be able to touch him… I find that I can feel his presence just by having him talk to me…

I do admire him for so many reasons.. he always find something to occupy his time.. he’s very resourceful.. very handy.. especially around his house..

He’s generous.. giving.. caring and loving… he has a family.. a wife with two boys … and they all know of me…

He loves to cook.. and he often shares his menu in steps.. he loves music.. and also love to sing along… which he also shares with me..he coaches his sons soccer teams and is very involved…

He goes fishing with friends.. play video games… he is never idle.. and I love him for his versatility… he’s a jack of all trades.. he works in steel construction… and he never misses a day…

He collects swords.. and cars… he loves to take his family to adventurous venues… he a very passionate man… he loves his family… and he says he loves me…which makes my heart sings.. and put a huge smile on my face…

We have been connecting for almost 7 years..and up to this point I was enjoying the daily connection.. and I was so happy 😁 to have someone to talk to…

He included me in his online games.. connect me with most of his buddies on a chat group… and I thought he was just trying to involve me more into his life…

I was basking in the glory of feeling loved and having someone liking my presence…

And out the blues.. I find my feelings escalating… and then my mind started this whirlwind of negativity…

I started to doubt his attention… yes he still acknowledges my text messages…but keeps it limited…he’s distant… he doesn’t talk to me as much…

I’m becoming insecure… suspicious 😒.. jealous… I started to feel unattractive.. ugly… unworthy…

This guy has not given me any necessary reasons to doubt him.. but my heart is telling me that he has found another interest online…and this thought is screaming in my head…so much.. I’m becoming paranoid and anxious…

If I see him online… I tell myself that he is talking to someone else.

But..

Don’t I have a lot of people talking to .. too.. and it’s all innocent… why can’t it be the same with him.???? Why am I allowing myself to create this imaginary rivalry…

I don’t act on my thoughts though.. because I think I’m just being silly .. he is much too far off to be worried about his actions….

He got his life.. and although he chooses to make me apart of his world.. I have no control over him..

I do love him.. and as I have stated.. my emotions have escalated to a higher level.. which is proving very unhealthy…. I’m demanding more of his time… I’m stalking his chat page…I’m becoming more upset to the point of tears…

I’m feeling rejected.. I don’t think he loves me anymore…I think he’s bored 😐 with me… his conversations has become a one syllable word…

He always seems so preoccupied.. I feel like I’m always disrupting him or disturbing him .. he longer shows no interest in what I have to say…of late he seems very distant.. and very evasive..

I tried to be logical and practical .. try to be self analytical… try to be reasonable…

He’s too far away for me to be having these feelings.. and allowing them to affect me to such degree… I try to suppress these negative emotions and brush them away..

I’m behaving as if I can control him and who he chooses to connect with…

I really fear losing his friendship and this bond that we have form.. but I have a strong feeling that it’s coming to an end… and it’s breaking my heart….

The fear of losing him.. is the worst… I know in all practicality I have no choice in this matter… and I refuse to become one of those obsessive connections…. he does still talk to me and every midnight.. his mornings he would always make me know he’s up.. I look forward to his text every night.. but the last two nights.. nothing…

And my overly active negative imagination.. is telling me it’s because he has someone else talking to…

Why am I creating this negative attitude..??? Why am I after all these years.. allowing myself to reach this point…so I’m continuing to connect with him on the same level without revealing my insecurities and my jealousies….

I do realize that I have to back off with my overwhelmed emotions… let him have his fun with his new playmate… I’m just stale right now.. no more joy in me… I have used up my usefulness and longer hold his interest…

How long did I think it would last… it lasted much longer than expected… I shouldn’t forget how I met him.. he was looking for some fun with someone online and I cannot provide this anymore…

We have shared so much over the past years.. how am I going to get past him if he decided to leave… he so much a part of my existence…. I looked forward to connect with him every day…

But I can understand him drifting away.. I don’t have much to offer anymore.. and he stop suggesting or asking…. I can’t compete with anyone else…. I’m too old… he is my only one that is left…

Funniest thing.. I just come across this perfect quote..

“CHANGE NOTHING…. NOTHING WILL CHANGE “….

How ironic is that??… if I don’t rock this boat with my negativity and my insecurities… we will just keep sailing until we get there… I have been on this path for.. six years… what is so different..

And so what if he found someone else to divulge himself in…

I’m not seeing.. and what the eyes don’t see .. the heart won’t leap… he still acknowledges me.. he still answers me.. he is not ignoring me..

He is giving me the same amount of attention.. I’m only demanding more.. and it makes it seem like he is short changing me…

Aaah 😌…

My sweet love 💕….

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 9c

DEAR READERS…. THIS SEQUENCE IS ANOTHER X- RATED SERIES… MOST OF YOU MAY NOT APPRECIATE OR APPROVE AND MIGHT FIND IT DISTASTEFUL AND GROSS… and …I DO APOLOGIZE FOR OFFENDING ANY ONE…but…  I WANTED ALL TO REALIZE JUST HOW SERIOUSLY AFFECTED  I WAS BY ALLEN AND JUST HOW EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED I HAVE BECOME…TO ME… HE WAS SO REAL AND I WAS FULLY AND TOTALLY INVESTED… I WAS SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH A MAN JUST FROM A VIRTUAL CONNECTION.. ) and I was as physically Affected as I was emotionally…. and I find that  he exudes a very strong and insatiable sexual energy …

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION…but…HE SENT ANOTHER TEXT….

Nita… he once again called my name.

“I’m getting hard… should I jerk off thinking about you… about sucking your little pink pussy? About stuffing you full of cock?…. or should I go to bed! Yes I’m dirty.”

“do whatever makes you feel good.”I told him.

And yes you love that too!!! He stated. “No! It’s us or nothing.

I do.’ I said to him.

Jerk with me?’ he asked.

Can’t.. Got company in my bed.” I told him. My little cousin sleep over.

So tell me baby… he was asking me. “Do you rub your clit or put your fingers in your pussy… or both? Tell me lover.

He was creating quite a stir in me; my kitty, she start to twitch a little but I could not please her tonight because Paige was beside me sleeping.

“Both” I told him.

“That’s fine I understand. But you can tell me.. hey, that’s great… ok I will keep it clean. Please sleep well sweet girl.

I then told him, I even taste my cum….. Gross.

I don’t know why I find it so easy for me to tell him things like this which I never reveal to anybody else. And I thought I he would find it quite disgusting… but…

He surprise me by saying, ‘god, I love that. I taste mine too.

You do!’ I said in disbelief.

It natural, he stated. I want to know what it’s like.”

Really? I asked. “I thought it would gross you out… Me too,” I confess to want to know what it taste like.

Anyone that says they don’t is a liar.” He tells me. “We are honest.”

“Too honest, I said to him. “Can’t believe I’m admitting this to you.

And so your pussy… I will make you take it all in your mouth …. And spit it in mine… nice and slow.” He was telling me. You will finger yourself … and put it in my mouth.

I told him, “You are freaky.”

No, I am sexy.’ He countered.

I sent two smiley faces. I was smiling and thinking.. ” yes you are”…. but I did say it to him.. I was too busy reading what he was writing… and my fingers was finding it’s way into my panties.. so I couldn’t stop to write….

I want to feel and taste you.’ He let me know. And you will take care of me … and I will accommodate you in any way you want to.

So I told him. “And I want to feel that hard thick dick in me.” [I was feeling bold I guess or just plain horny for a hard dick…

“And I will show you how special your pussy is… and how much I wanted to taste you… we will be perfect because we are comfortable baby… he reassure me. I will fill you full lover. He let me know.

“That’s right my Allen..” I responded. “I bet you will”

You will cum in your man’s mouth … and all over his hard cock. He was saying. And you will cums tons baby… and when you think you can’t take anymore… I will suck you one more time out.”

“I do hope so because I love to cum.” I let him know.

And he keeps on going. Then you might be done… baby… you will cum till you ask me to stop… if that’s what you want… I will pull my hard cock out of you and ask you to suck me or jerk me… and we will change up stuff up like every few minutes!

My kitty was starting to jump around wanting to be touch and played with but I couldn’t .. but my fingers couldn’t resist either… I was slowly and gently playing with miss kitty…

‘Thought you were tired’ I asked. “Aha ha” I said to him. [Is what I want] “You are too much but I’m enjoying every bit of you. I told him.

“And I will lick your little pussy… spank your little ass… then stuff you full of dick again. Kissing you deep.” He keep describing what he is gonna do, while my kitty is soaking wet and ready to explode.

So I told him, you are getting my kitty really wet and I can’t do anything about it.”

He just ignored me, and continued, “Telling you what’s next… jerk that pussy.”

And now I know…. He was jerking off. So I said, ok, let me work with him.

I can’t bear much more,” I told him.

  • I couldn’t resist any longer…so I give my kitty the pleasure she was seeking and with just one touch I cum with such a force it was unbelievable. And she still want some more… so I try to be as calm as possible with Paige lying next to me… I was in the heights of ecstasy… my whole body was convulsing and jerking with so much pleasure ….

And he kept me entertained, “it’s mine now!!! I want to eat your next huge load… can you deliver… give me cum baby… it’s mine…deliver… in my mouth… let me swallow you!!… I know you are Cumming…. It’s mine…”

And I’m wondering how he knows I’m Cumming… I’m on my third round… so I said to him…

“Ok here it comes.”

Now” he said.

“You can have it.” I told him.

“Let me eat it” he begged.

“almost.” I told him

Now sexy… I want my load. He begged some more.

Eat it eat it.” I told him.

Deliver… fuck yeah… give me cum… that’s mine…. He kept on asking.

Ok do it.’ I begged of him. “Cum Allen.”

You want cum baby?” he’s asking. “Jerk your pussy… I want a second.

I’m still playing along trying to encourage him, “fuck it… fuck it baby… I said.

I was all caught up in the heat of the moment… visualizing vividly..and yearning his touch…. so much I could feel his him as though he was near me….

“If I’m Cumming you cum with me,” he told me.

Yes… yes… yes…” I said.

Spread that tight pussy for me sexy. Let me have.” He begged.

“Spreading… wide… “ I let him know.”

I was responding and actually performing his request and doing everything he suggested…

Let’s do this… he said. Fingers in… three.

Yes let’s do this.’ I agreed.

“Here comes your load.” He said. “Inside.”

Awwww … I got it. I told him. {that’s me trying to entertain him because I really couldn’t go to that extreme tonight.. I have had my fill quietly }

I think he had reached his climax, because he said,

“Jesus….”

“Omg…”

“my goodness…”

Thank you baby,’ I told him. And I sent him two smiley face…

“I came huge thinking about you.” he informs me. “You blow my mind.”

I went, ooooh.” Was so touched.

Please sleep well baby,” he tells me. “Oh and baby… please save our passion for us…” he asks.

You blow my mind too.’ I let him know. “I will… I will.” { save our passion for us.}

“Please let me know if you want to play around… I will understand… I just need to have my head in the right place,” he has me know.

You should sleep well now, I told him.

Yes,’ he agreed. I will sleep perfect.

I was there pondering about his statement about me wanting to play around and wondering where that come from… what was he thinking of… what was his motive for thinking like this.

So I asks him,’ play around? With whom… you?

With whomever.” He stated.

Only you.” I told him trying to convince him.

[ I did not want him to think I was promiscuous or anything of the sorts; because I’m not and even though I’m playing a mean and cruel game with him; it was important to me for him not to think badly of me; I was totally in love with him and I want him to like me and think the best of me.}

I just need to know that it’s only us… if not… or…” he was trying to explain.

Why would I want t do that? I asks.

I have no idea… he told me. “I just need to be cordial”

So I try to be more convincing let him realize I have no intention or I don’t want to be with anybody else; not now anyways, not after what I was now experiencing with him.

So I told him, ‘if I was going to I would do so already… it’s by choice that I don’t.

Doesn’t he realize and know that after him with all his passionate and his silly crazy love for me; he’s the only one I want to be with and the only one my heart desires.

Ok love… just want to put it out there… he said.” I want us by choice always. He sounded convinced.

And again I kind of forget I could not give any of what I was promising. I was so caught up in our love and in the moment that I was giving him a lot of false hope; unintentionally… but I was.

Ok… at least we understand each other.’ I say to him.

Night beautiful!!! I’ll be dreaming of us!!! He bade me goodnight. “Yes we do”

You got it.’ I told him. “Night my sweet… thank you for staying up late and sharing with me.”

Night beautiful!! Sweet dreams pretty girl!! He said again. God… what a perfect Christmas gift… Us. I love you Wakanita!

I love you Allen!” I let him know. “Isn’t that so true.”[The most perfect Christmas gift.]

We finished our conversation and I lay there feeling so hilariously happy to be loved by him. Because I could feel that he does; I could sense his every emotions and I going over in my mind all we just talk about and our sexual fantasy and even though I did not like the fact that he was seeing Paige face when he think of us and when he dream, he visualized her; I know I gave it to him; and then I remember this profound joy I was experiencing was not going to last. I have to tell him… I can’t do this to him any longer… but how? He is going to hate me and I can’t expect for him to like me; I’m not that pretty twenty year old girl. Right now I wish to be 20 again; I know I would definitely have a chance with him. But I’m not… and I don’t… and I can’t give him Paige…

How I love him so… and I know he loves me… no Paige… whoever…. I just know that he’s in love just like I am; how many times has he told me that we are experiencing this together… GOD!!! I’m going to lose him… I don’t want to… I but I have to let go of him. I have to tell him….

And I drift off to a very disturbed dream; I dream I told him and he was so mad and he says the most cruel things to me and look at me with disgust and repulsiveness; and I just sat there not saying anything , my tears flowing and my heart breaking as I watch him walk away very angry with me with that repulsive look.

I woke up early but I could not say anything to him just yet; I was still upset with what I dream and I know I had to find a way of confessing to him; and the thought of him gone was driving me insane; and is losing him I can’t come terms with, to have him leave and to let this feeling die, right now he is the only living thing that keeping me alive, and tomorrow if I’m here without his love I know I couldn’t survive it. Only his love can save me and I can’t have it. My stomach was all tangled up in knots; how did I get myself in this predicament?

My worst fear is losing him… and I am going to have to….

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED………

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 9b

AS I LAY THERE  SOBBING FEELING LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD; A TEXT CAME THROUGH ….

“WENDY”…. he called my name…

“BABY”….  he tried again….

 

“I’m so sorry … I feel asleep… anyway… please don’t be upset with me… or think I’m an illusion! That’s crazy! I’m sorry I let you down. I’m saying night now… and I do hope you forgive me…. I also hope you are resting well and happy.”

I was reading what he was saying and I realize that he fell asleep; it never occurred to me that he might fall asleep. It’s 4am. So I felt really bad about my thoughts and realize I made a terrible mistake in doubting him. So I got up and decided to answer him… so he saw me writing and he says…

Hey sexy!!! I see you typing!!! Awwww!!! Stop that! Let me hear it! He said anxiously.

I was smiling by then, trying to type what I was saying but not fast enough for him….

“Wendy…

Talk to me!” he said impatiently.

Please”

“Now… please…. Anything…” he pleaded.

“”just Wakanita words! …

I finally finish what I was saying, “I think its best we talk tomorrow after you get a good night sleep. Right now I’m crying and can’t talk. I told him.

“Oh ok… I’m sorry. He said.

“I understand your frustration with me… I do get it… I try to let him know.

“I was so excited to talk to you, I had no idea you were upset with me… I’m sorry for being so ignorant… I will not contact you again.” He stated.

“not contact me again???? oooh my…..

I just realize that we got our wires crossed, we both misunderstood each other; I thought he was annoyed at me and he thought I was mad with him; and now he is threatening not to contact me again. I have to try to fix this…

“Why are you giving up on us?” I asked. “All a big misunderstanding… so you fell asleep… ok, I just thought you were ignoring me. I told him.

He stops writing again and I was not too sure if it is because he fell asleep again or if he was really gone.

“Now you’re gone again?” I asked. I forgive you my love.” I told him not wanting to lose him.

“No baby” he said. “I’m here”

“good.” I said happily,.(smiling so huge) “Are you sleepy? I asked. I know it’s late.

Then he says, “please don’t be sensitive… please know I’m real… and we are strong!

We are strong.” I agreed…

“yes it’s late but we are super strong.” He told me. “Nita…I love you baby… that is real.”

For sure.’ I said. “It makes me happy.”

I forget again that we can never be; I was so wrapped up in his love all I was doing was living in the moment and just feeling and receiving all the love, emotions and desires that he was giving me…..

And I was also trying to convince him to stay..so afraid that he is gonna walk away…..

“So we are back on track? I asked.

“Good” he says. “One day you will understand! Till then you just know what feels right. Ok?… baby… we were never off track.

Thank you for that.”I told him. “I’m glad. Then I asked him, “Do you want to go to sleep?”

“Nita… I know stuff is a mess for you… but baby… we are going to be constant you will see… yes I’m tired. He told me. “But baby I can’t have you flipping out on me.”

I thought he must be very tired to be dozing off in the middle of our conversation, and I thought I was totally being selfish wanting him to keep talking to me. So I asked him….

“So do you want to continue this discussion tomorrow?”

“I need you loving your man!” he was telling me. “Yes please.”

I told him, “I’m resilient.” [To me flipping out.] “You got it.” [Me loving my man; and I do love him so very much]

I’m smiling,’ he let me know.

I’m smiling too… now,’ I also told him.

“So perfect! He said.

I was so glad to get all that straighten out; and I start to relaxed again. So I said to him…

“I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding.”

“Baby… he said. ‘Turns out you are human… right? How can I be upset with that?

So I remind him. “you said you will stop and you did.’ Guess I am.”

I will make mistakes…. And I hope you will be understanding… he said to me. “I’m not perfect… But we are all work in progress… right?

I told him, ‘I will try… and again.. I’m not you. You are the most understanding person I ever came across.”

So we work… as a person… and as a couple… but we are always working in the same direction if we love each other. He let me know.

“let’s go for it.” I answered.

“So love is the answer.” He assures me.

“Always.” I agreed.

“That’s just one guy’s random thoughts… take it or leave it. He said.

“As long as it’s yours.’ I let him know. “I will take it.”

Awwww!!! He said lovingly.

“Nita… he called my name. “Baby….

Yes Allen.” I answered.

“Please sleep well… and baby… please think of me… I’ll be thinking of you love… night sweet girl… talk tomorrow I hope?

“You too.’ I told him. “Every time, every day, every night.

Awwww!!! Nita…. He says. “Merry Christmas… baby… I love you…

“Good night my sweet Allen, I said to him. It’s not Christmas until Thursday, but merry Christmas to you too. Don’t forget my Christmas gift; I’m looking forward to seeing them.”

Btw… holidays I love’… he wanted me to know. It’s just another reason to spend time with the people you care about…And tell them you love them… so this one is perfect…I don’t care if you celebrate at all!!!! I just know it’s a great time to be loving you… so yeah.’

I read this and all of a sudden I remember that this is not real for me… oh god… he loves me this much and there is nothing I can do to claim him as mine.

“I have your gift all ready to go, he told me. “Already done.’

I did not make any comment on his speech; I really did not know how to address it and I did not want to say something to take us back to where we were coming from. So I completely ignored it.

“Great!” I answered about the gift.

“Night lover” he said.

Well goodnight lover.” I responded.

Nita… he called my name again.

Yeah, I responded.

“tell me you love me please.” he begged of me.” Unless it’s not comfortable.”

I do love you my sweet Allen… so, so much.” I honestly told him. “But I do love you.” I informed him.

“I’m smiling huge!” he said.

Good, you should be.” I let him know.

Then he let me know, “Nita… I’m so silly crazy in love with you! Yeah I should be happy; and so I am.”

I felt a rush of emotion all over my body that it made me shudder. I was feeling so elated to know he loves me this much; and I really believe it … i really and truly did…and it was as if I could sense it and sense him. In the back of my mind I know he was looking at Paige’s face and thinking that’s the girl that’s on the receiving end of his raging passion and desires; but I was sitting there feeling him with all my senses ,with my own passions ablaze with a fierce fire of emotions… accepting and taking it all gladly.

It’s a wonderful thing and I am happy too.” I told him. “That makes two of us. Hearts in harmony.”

IT WAS SO EASY FOR ME TO GET LOST IN THE MOMENT WHEN HE IS THERE WITH ME; NOTHING ELSE MATTERS TO ME BUT FEELING HIM AND HIS EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH THAT PHONE… ALL I WANT IS TO JUST WRAPPED MYSELF UP IN HIS PRESENCE…. AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING…AND COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I’M NOT BEING HONEST AND THAT IM HERE ENCOURAGING AND PLAYING WITH HIS EMOTIONS …all for the sake of experiencing this founded joy of a love I have never known before… how can I make this right???…. it is so wrong on all levels…

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED……

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part9

I did not text him that Monday night because he said he was going to be busy, and I figure he probably would be tired and so I did not want to bother him. Tuesday was my only day off before Christmas and I want to get some shopping done. So I woke up and send ‘My Allen’ a text to inform him of my day’s plan.

“Good morning My Allen, miss you last night, was very tempted to send you a text… I spent the night with you regardless, we were flying all over the place with you showing off your aerobatics skills, it may be just a dream but it seems and felt real… I woke up smiling. I’m off today so I’m going to attempt to get this place ready, and I probably go to the mall with john, but I will be here later for some of your juicy conversations, if you not busy. Let me know, until…

So John, Paige and I went shopping but my mind was just constantly on MY Allen; I could hardly wait to get home so we could connect; and I keep checking my phone to see if he sent a text, but nothing. I was not too worried because I figure he was probably doing the same thing I was, seeing that Christmas is only two days away. And I know later I will have my time with him.

About 5:30pm I got me a little text, “hey Wendy! Hope you are having a great day getting things ready and shopping. Talk soon pretty girl.”

I could not write back just then, “So all I said was. ‘Talk to you soon.” And sent him a smiley face blowing a kiss.

I was all smiles and was quite pleased to know he was thinking about me; and I felt a sweet sensational rush, it was as if I could sense him thinking about me;

we got home about 6pm, I hurriedly put away the things we have bought anxiously wanting to get settled so I can talk my “My Sweet Allen”.

Paige decides to stay with me for the night to help me prep for Christmas and help wrap all the gifts for my babies.

I could not wait any longer so I finally sit down and write to him…

“Well, I’m here now… finally… it’s been my longest day ever. All day I was willing the day to go faster so I can get to talk to you. I know we spoke just yesterday but it seems like forever ago. I could hardly wait for now. I find it so crazy for me to be acting and feeling this way but I do… I do… so how was your day MY Allen? I ASKED.

Then I asked him out of curiosity,

….., (I have been thinking of our conversations … and trying to think of things we could talk about… I find that I really doesn’t have much to offer in terms of subjects.. and I want so much to contribute to over conversations… I was thinking I must appear boring and uninteresting…)

“Do you have a dog? I kinda picture you with a dog… a big one, just curious.” I told him.

It took an hour for him to answer and I was excited to hear from him…

He started…

“I’m smiling huge as usual when I read your texts! And yes you nailed it… I have a black lab…he’s my buddy… a great dog…I take him running in the country here a few times a week… good call sexy. You are good! I’m glad your shopping day is over and I hope you will get time to relax now.

“Heeey!!! “ I replied.. all smiles.. beaming so brightly..

, “I waited all day for this text. A black lab? I like labs, they are so loyal. But I kinda expected a German Sheppard or something like that… so do you have to work tomorrow? I asked. “I do; I have one more question for you? Tonight I’m full of questions… do you own a gun? 

We were talking about guns today and I thought I would ask? John is a gun fanatic. Well my real reason for asking about guns, actually is, we were talking and kinda joking  about me telling him about what was going on with this deception of mine and we jokingly implies that he might find me and kill my ass for lying to him; and I thought about it on a serious note. And I wonder if he owns a gun..

He did not respond to my text..and I was anxiously anticipating his response ….I know he might be caught up doing whatever; after all it’s Christmas time, but I was very eager to connect. So after another hour I write again.

“I told him, “I’m here having some Hennessy with my aunt. I like it sometimes, although I can’t do more than one shot.. My aunt she like her wines and Hennessy, when I’m with her I indulge… do you drink? I asked.

We wrapped some more gifts and we prep all we had to for my Christmas dinner…Paige wanted to play monopoly; but I could not focus, because all I was thinking about was MY Allen and hearing from him….

So after another hour I decided to sent him another text, I was becoming very impatient and overly anxious to hear from him; now this is the same girl who was supposed to be thinking of ending all this….

“Alright I guess I was too overly excited and anxious to be with you and you must have your evening all planned out. You are busy…. Well I shall still be here all night if you choose to talk… anxiously waiting… WAKANITA.”

Still nothing and I keep on waiting, I played monopoly with Paige to try take my mind off him a little and as I said he was busy with his own thing and when he is ready we will talk. So I waited…. Trying real hard to relax and stop behaving like a schoolgirl with her first crush…

I sit there all night in great anticipation of his text.. but to my disappointment none came…

It was 2am and I still haven’t heard from him; I was not mad, just disappointed; I had wanted so badly to connect with him, I yearn for him and his words; I got so addicted to him that even one day without talking to him seems like an eternity; I know he was probably caught up with his stuff and he had said he was having company so I try in my head {as he puts it} to be understanding… but still disappointed… Paige is asleep by now, and the TV holds no interest for me; I could not focus on it. So I decided to send him a final text for the night…

“Well it’s now 2am and I have not heard from you, yes I’m a little disappointed… no make that a lot disappointed… I wanted so badly to connect with you tonight. I’m missing you… I know you have your life to live… and I’m not even like real, I’m like a delusion right now but my feelings are for real.”

After I sent it and read it back, I realize I actually sounded very upset even though I told myself I was not mad. I guess that delusion bit came from an earlier conversation with Paige about him and she made the statement that I was a delusion to him; because he is there thinking she is me. I Kinda agreed with her and we were trying to come up with a good way or plan as to end this all; so I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. … I just did not want it to end… I just did not want to give him up; and the mere thought that I had to, was driving me crazy and very much afraid of losing him and all this sweet, sweet feeling I was experiencing.

So I try to explain to him what I was feeling and going through….

“You bring out something in me I never knew existed and the experience of it is quite overwhelming. You take me to places I’ve never been. And I’m enjoying the journey to the fullest. You make it all so exciting and fun… well, I guess I won’t hear from you again for tonight so until I do… I’ll keep on dreaming of us…you… goodnight my sweet Allen.”

And I turn off the lights and try to sleep… about another half an hour I got a text, I jump up all excited, grab my phone to read what he has said…

But baby…. He said. “And yeah a Sheppard would be a good guess because I am a strong man… that was really good… I can see how smart you are baby…and how much thought you are putting into us. Any ways… I have had labs since I was a kid and love them… I don’t need a dog for protection… Ha-ha!!! Ok for the gun part… yes I own many… and I usually have a nine on me… but I promise no one would know… I absolutely love guns and watches…but watches first… guns are simple… watches are amazing… the most efficient engine man had ever built… Anyway… hey!!!!

I waited for him to finished talking before I intervened; I was so amazed again how he put so much passion in whatever he likes and does. What a guy… I was so in love that the least little things I learned about him … impresses me so much.. that I was totally intrigued…

I find that I was always in awe of him… and everything about him seems to fascinate me to the extreme… it’s so strange how when the heart is involved how everything takes on a hue and maximize it effects…

So I simply said,” really!”

He then asked.” What are you doing up silly!!!! I was just loving you! And answering your stuff.”

“Waiting for you !!!!! I replied smiling widely.

“Awwww!!!! He said in response.

“Well thanks for answering my questions.” I told him.

“Just got in bed!” He was informing me. And was totally wowed! I thought you’re going to be busy and not have much time for me… I was trying in my head to be understanding!”

I thought you would love guns.” I told him. “And I will always time for you.”

He laughed and says, “I’m so white! Is that the deal? Yes I like guns… but watches are my favorite deal… the thing that captivates me.”

“No Irish like John.” I told him. “Wow you have to let me see that… “Captivated” the word I can’t spell.”I let him know.

I misspelled “captivated” a few times in the beginning when I was describing his eyes.

“I have a 120 year old watch that keeps perfect time… every piece made by hand with only a magnifying glass… that is fucking amazing to me… it was art that made science… “

He then laughed at me for commenting on my miss spelt word. “Hahaha you are cute baby… Nita… “He said.

So you have a very unique hobby.”I told him. “You were saying?” I asked.

“And I also love compass stuff… usually from the 40’s or earlier.” He was saying.

“Very fascinating.” I comment.

I was enjoying learning about him; he was so intriguingly mesmerizing.

“I don’t know… he said. I’m a mess once you are here.”

How so? I asked.

Nita…. I want to kiss you.” He told me.

“Now?” I asked. “You saw the picture”

I saw where Paige had posted a picture of herself earlier on and where he had made a comment. You see Paige is all about selfies and she knows she takes good pictures and she is a bit conceited with her looks. Well we all encourages by letting her know how pretty she is… but she loves my phone, and whenever she is here she always mess with tango and all the other sites she is on. She is the one that keep on changing pictures of herself without my knowledge. I know he would have like that picture because I even told Paige that she had voluptuous lips in that photo maybe that’s why she posted that one.

So I guess I was a bit defensive and acting silly. I was jealous and envious of Paige; even though I am the one that create that image for him.

He then said, “Yes… but I’m not silly”… sounding annoyed, “I know I have to wait… but Nita… I want a kiss soon.” “What pictures? He asked.

I want him to drop the subject so I told him, “You are pushing Allen.” I then answered his question, “the one I posted.”

I guess he was feeling even more annoyed with me and my comments because he said, “I don’t know how to romance your dimension… we will figure it out. Sorry… I will stop…”

Ooh man.. he doesn’t know how to romance my dimension….!!! This comment have me feeling really silly now.. because I impulsively reacted to his comments on Paige photo without even realizing that I had no need to be defensive or jealous…

I wanted him to like me…( the true me) so much that I’m getting upset whenever he said anything about Paige… ( haha) I purposely encouraged this with all those pictures of Paige I sent him.. and now I’m expecting something impossible…

I really have to come clean and confess my horrific deception… I’m way too deep emotionally and I just can’t do this anymore nor can I keep on lying and pretending.. when I so want it to be real…. I’m so in love … and it’s fully returned .. but he doesn’t see me behind all this facade … he only sees Paige…

I asked him to explain what he meant, and why is he going to stop…

and he stopped and he was gone, he stops texting back. I start to get emotional and fearful. I realize that my answers was not encouraging and that my feelings of what I’m going through was coming out and of course with him not knowing he could never understand.

You asked me to tell you when you are.”[Are pushing] I told him. “I’m sorry to have offended you… I would love to have you kiss me… I told him .I knows I would have enjoy it thoroughly.”

Still nothing, by now I was in tears, and afraid that I have lost him for good and even though I know it was going to be over soon anyway I still did not want him to go… not yet… I keep telling myself. I was panicking did not know how to get him back on-line. But I keep on trying.

“Are you gone? I asked. “Is this the end of our conversation? Allen come back please,” I pleaded. You are been mean,’ I told him, ‘and you said you are never mean.”

I waited, still nothing. So I write again…

“Okay I get it… “And I sent a teary face. “Btw my Allen, I said, ‘is this what loving me is? I thought you said you love me. But believe me I fully understand. I really do. And yes… I’m hurting, but it will pass… good night sweet dreams. WHAT A GREAT DELUSION FOR ME.”

And I stop texting believing that he so upset with me and the fact that I won’t agreed to move to the next level and he can’t do this anymore and I made it possible with my negative answers. I lay there crying thinking it’s for the best anyways; he did it for me.

I SAT THERE WITH MIXED FEELINGS … WITH TEARS IN MY EYES ALL CONVINCED THAT I HAVE LOST HIM… BUT MY HEART WAS BREAKING… I FELT ALL EMPTY AND SO SAD.. I MISSED HIM AND IT WASN’T EVEN TEN MINUTES  SINCE I WAS TALKING TO HIM.. I TURN OFF MY PHONE AND TURNED AND SOBBED QUIETLY INTO MY PILLOW…MY HEART WAS BREAKING…I THOUGHT… I COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL…ONLY IF I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO PLAY THIS GAME OF DECEPTION….

*************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 8c

AS I SAT THERE THINKING ABOUT THE MESS I GOT MYSELF INTO…. HE  WAS TELLING ME ABOUT WHAT HE WOULD DO TO MAKE OUR FIRST TIME SPECIAL…..

 

And then he started to set a scenario for me;

“and if we get to the intimacy part maybe we make love for the first time at an abandon air field in the middle of nowhere on a blanket under the stars… just us and the universe…”

And I had to laugh; because it seem like he went right into farthest part of my mind and dig out all of my deepest fantasizes; wasn’t it me who had done something similar way back when; it wasn’t an air field but… a beach ..similar… close…under the stars.

Just what I always dream about.” I stated.

“I will bring a guitar and we can have a little fire and spend some quality time in a super romantic way.”he continued saying.

As I sit there reading his words… I was again in awe of him… I began thinking, “Oh good gracious! He’s talking my language; guitar… fire… aaahh .. I always love the guitar and a fireplace… and nothing like being serenaded with a love song on the guitar….

‘You just got me right there… and I love it.” I told him.

But he still has more to say… he was not finished with his creation of the scenario….

“maybe a little picnic basket with your favorites! I will totally romance you pretty girl… it’s the way every girls first experience should be… at least that’s how I feel anyways.”

So I told him, ‘you are every girl’s dream.”

And I meant it. He just described to me everything I would have loved; under the stars; guitar and him singing to me; a fire; and a picnic basket with some wine and cheesecake and whatever else.

And he top it off with a bang!!!!

, “after a perfect night together we will have a beautiful night take off under the stars… and see the area from the sky at night… perfect memory created… that would be nice.”

So, so nice, I thought. What memory that would be but… I can only live in the dreams of this fantasy though; he can’t be mine; I found the perfect man of my dreams and I can’t own him because of my horrific deception.. I pushed my thoughts aside… trying to stay focus on him and his most wonderful imagination…

You know how to lay it on, I told him.

He laughed, ‘Hahaha!! Sorry; I’m just speaking my thoughts.” He said.

How can anyone resist an offer like that?” I asked. “Don’t be sorry I did not mean any offense.” I told him. ” I really love your most beautiful creative imagination.. it’s as if you look deep into my mind and see exactly how I had imagined the perfect night with you..”

“Well… I don’t know… I’m hoping you can’t at some point.”

I’m almost tempted to say yes… yes… yes!! But I’m not quite ready.” I told him.

Little does he know…? I was just trying to find an excuse not to..

“I want you to not lose you virginity; I want you to share an amazing night… one that included you no longer being one. He begged of me. Well the good news is… I’m not in a hurry and will never rush you! I expect nothing baby.” He let me know.

I completely ignore the virginity statement; it put me back to where I was trying not to dwell on; so I brush it aside again, I don’t want to feel miserable right now; I am enjoying him and his fantasies way too much. So I again drifted into his fantasy getting completely  lost in his visualization..

So I simply said, ‘good for me; I know I’m gonna enjoy you and that moment .. whenever the time is right…you’re just one special man Allen”

Yes… he started to say, ‘and if I’m coming on too strong all you have to do is tell me; and I will back way off, I promise pretty girl.

I bit strong, yes, but… I’m having all this fun.” I let him know.

“We can stick to everyday stuff and chat about anything… he wanted me to know. “It’s a little difficult to not feel our sexual energy though…. It’s super strong… desire and passion. I can be very refrained and conservative.

{Don’t I know it? It’s super strong indeed}

Here I was putting a damper on all this sweet and wonderful visuals of his creative imagination of us actually making our relationship becoming a true reality… having these reservations and giving him this negative reaction to his beautiful suggestions…

Everything he was saying and thinking could be materialized and make true… but as much as I’m trying to visualize with him ,his most romantic creations of bringing our connection to life..

to me…

It just have to be a fantasy instead of being real… I find myself struggling to stay positive and fully enjoy him and his mood he was setting, to encourage me to take us to the next level….

He was hearing me and getting discouraged thinking it was me being afraid to open up to his sexual suggestiveness…

“If you like I will not bring anything sexual unless you initiate…. Would that make you more comfortable? He asked.

I kind of smile and think, “Right… you can’t help yourself lover.” {Smiling}

So I said to him, “I guess it is… {Super strong} when will I ever do that? [Initiate] no I actually like it when you do.” I told him.

OK then, it’s settled! He said. “I will say what I think and if it’s too overwhelming, you can just put your phone down”

So I tell him, ‘it turns me on and I love the feelings… not me lover.” [Putting the phone down] I love the feeling it creates in me…

Me too!!! He exclaimed. “These are perfectly amazingly perfect thoughts! Everyone should be lucky enough to feel this much emotion and passion. It is a privilege.”

Well for me… right now it’s definitely a privilege.

So I let him know, ‘I really do enjoy  your sexual fantasies”

And knowing that you read what I am saying and your kitty gets wet for me… drives me wild inside!” he told me.

“Laughing”  I wrote.” And it does,” . “And I read them again and again and again.”

Perfect! He said very amused. “I love the thought of your super sexy hands and long fingers pleasuring yourself… Mmmhmmm.” Then he tells me, “I will ask you to play with your p**** for me… I want to see how you take care of yourself so I can totally envision it when we talk…

And he started to tease me, “you are a complete mess now!” He said laughing, “ha-ha!!! Sorry. And you’re soaked… I know you Wendy.” He boasted. If you haven’t already cum, you will soon. Am I right? He wanted to know.

I was just dying of laughter and my kitty was jumping again to be petted. It’s being a long time since my kitty begged so much to play; god… this guy have me staying soaking wet and horny. So still laughing, I said to him…

Yes… I’m definitely a mess but don’t be sorry… Yes Allen … you know me so well. You have that power over me.”

So he said, ‘ok so I’m finished working out… going to take a shower, but first; I’m going to jerk off thinking about my girl.

I was thinking… working out? You were talking to me the whole time.

Anyways I, just responded to his jerking off, “Say what… really? OMG!!! You are plain crazy!” I told him.

Now… the question Wendy… do I have a picture I should look at… or do you have one you want me to look at while I cum? Yes I am crazy… and news flash!!! You are right here with me!” he told me laughing.

I completely misunderstand the picture question; thought he was asking for a naughty picture: so I got a little offensive and say to him, ‘no I don’t have any pictures like that… sorry.’

It doesn’t have to be naughty silly,” he consoles me. “And further, I would think you wouldn’t have anything like that baby… you are really shy.”

Ok I’m sorry, I misunderstood,” I apologize.

And I went searching for a picture of Paige to send to him; don’t know why I would want to do that other than I was trying to please him and give him what he wants…

I am just plain stupid… and so caught in this game of mine and not even thinking about my actions… ignoring what’s been happening… so caught up in the heat of the moment trying to please his fantasy. And I sent him one…

He was trying to explain to me his request, “I just mean something you want me to look at…so you know what I am envisioning…. It’s more for you than me…so you can picture what I am doing… and looking at.”

“Oops!!! Sh….t! OMG!!!! Too late I already send it. This was what I thought after I read his explanation.

I did it again; give him Paige to envision… Oh boy, oh boy oh boy, I can never get it right. I just keep making it worst and worst.

Here I was having this debate with myself with this deceptive game.. trying to figure a way out.. and instead of stopping with all the lies and fabrications.. I continued to play with him..

He was still saying something, “baby… I won’t put you on the spot for dirty pictures, ever. If I was going to it would have been the first night. Now Wendy… I am going to focus on that picture and think about us. And what will you be doing? He asked.

I want to stop talking now; because I just mess up again with the picture and I was not feeling too good about me right now.

So I told him, “oh good, because I have to get ready for work myself… I have had mine while you were fooling with me earlier.” I informed him.

Ok beautiful… he said “sorry I took so much of your time. It’s hard to stop talking once we start. Then he kinda laughed at the fact I have had mine: then he said jokingly, Dammit!! You have to share that kinda stuff.”

I did not comment, because I very was upset with myself…I again give him the envision of Paige; so all I said was, “isn’t that right and I do enjoy it so. [To it’s hard to stop chatting.] “Thank you for sharing you with me sweet Allen”

“Ok pretty girl. Thank you for chatting today, please have a great night at work. You will be in my thoughts as usual. Smile beautiful!!! It’s a perfect smile.”

I GOT SO CAUGHT UP WITH HIS EROTIC SCENARIOS  THAT I AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING WHAT I WAS DOING SENT HIM HIS REQUEST TRYING TO GIVE HIM HIS PLEASURE…  I WAS SO MAD WITH ME… WHAT WAS I DOING… ???

 

Then I remember I wanted to ask for some more picture of him to keep as souvenir and have as memories after I let go of him, which right now I was thinking of again; so I said to him…

One last request before you go?”

Ok shoot,” he replies.

“What I want for Christmas from you is…are some more pictures of you… is that ok with you? I requested.

“Absolutely!! He said happily. ‘I will send you a bunch! I don’t have many on my phone but I will look on my computer and find a bunch. And I will be glad to do that.”

Well bye for now and thank you for giving me this time… you have a good day… I know I will… TTYL MY SWEET AllEN. I ENDED OUR CONVERSATION.

Ttyl beautiful! Have a great day Nita.” He ended.

I went to work very pensive; my mind was working overtime thinking how am I going to end this; I know I have come up with a plan, and although it means losing him, which was causing me excruciating pain with just the thought; I know it has to be done; I did not want to end it… but I am only hurting him more by leading him on longer and I did not want to be selfish and be mean any longer. He is just too sweet and special to keep on deceiving him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE: PART 8b I

I [ this sequence contains some x-rated contents… my apologies to my readers for the inappropriate contents… I included it because i want you to fully understands just how passionately intense our relationship had become… and how much feelings was involved… please enjoy reading..

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WOKE UP SMILING AND with STRONG URGES TO FEEL HIM AND A NEED FOR HIM. SO I WROTE TO HIM; HE TOTALLY CONSUMES MY DREAMS;  I WOKE UP WITH A MIND AND HEART FULL WITH HIM…

I was feeling on top the world and I just have to let him know…

“MY Allen I’m having a most wonderful day today…yes I woke up feeling all refreshed; relaxed and renewed. I feel on top of the world and it’s all because of you… I want to apologize for yesterday. I know I was a little off and acting very silly indeed… but you were right there for me saying and doing all the right things… I’m going to stop worrying why it’s happening and enjoy the fact that it is. It feels so good to be love by you… THANK YOU… THANK YOU. Now I will leave you alone.

I found the song “TOP OF THE WORLD” by the carpenters. And send it to him.

“Hello beautiful girl! He says, ‘I hope your day is off to a great start!! I have had an amazing dream that you wouldn’t stop kissing me while I was flying over a bunch of small islands and beautiful ocean and I was laughing and saying ‘baby!!! I can’t see where I ‘m going” and you just laugh and kept on kissing me and said, ‘you better land soon’. It was really sweet. Just want to share it. I love the song, I love that you love older music. It shows that you don’t feel the need to be one of the masses… very refreshing.’

Then he said, “Nita you make it so easy to love you! I hope we keep moving in the same direction because this is an amazing journey and… one I only want with you.”

I know, instead of feeling so jubilant … I should be trying to come up with a way out, but not today… I went through enough of that yesterday already; today, right now, I just want to enjoy him to the fullest, and live for the moment.

‘Love the dream… I told him. “It’s exactly what I would do if and when I see you and much more. Well you have a great day. Gotta work today because I’m off for Christmas… hope you don’t have to work?’

And yes… if I had the chance to be with him; and with all this fiery; hot and blazing desire I have for him, he would not be able to do anything because I would be all over his sweet ass.

“No work for me today”, he said. ‘Just taking care of a bunch of personal things… is getting ready for the holidays. Have a great day at work beautiful!!! Talk to you soon.”

“May be tonight after work? I asked. “Think you will be up? This is becoming quite the habit… me rushing home to be with you.” I told him.

“I like the habit! But please be safe ok? He asked of me. ‘I might be up, I’m not sure I have to pick up some people at the airport at 10, so I’ll be up late anyway… please have a great day my beautiful girl!!! And Wakanita please smile! It’s so pretty you should share it as much as you can!

I know he was referring to Paige; but I did not want to think about her; right now everything he says to me belongs to me; I was not willing to share him with anybody, not right now, not today. So I was that beautiful and pretty girl he was talking to; as far I as was concern.

So I told him, ‘I’m smiling… only for you though… ok I will give you a break tonight; you probably going to be tired anyways. I’ll just go to sleep and met you there. It’s so amazing;you consume my day and night… I think of you all day and then you take over my dreams. You are constantly with me; am I becoming obsessive? I ask. But boy… am I enjoying this!!…and is so happy to know that you are fully encouraging me with your sweet responses; sweet AllEN you are an enabler. The best kind and I just love you so.”

Wow! He exclaimed. ‘You write so sweet baby. It would be very hard to get enough of you! And I promise we are in the same exact place at the same exact time! Please text whenever you’d like. My entire soul lights up when I read anything from you. You will set the pace and I will be patient. But eagerly waiting for anything you send..I hope one day soon we can chat on the phone and I can put a voice to your beautiful persona… oh and I can’t wait to hear you cum for me!!!! That will be super hot! Just sayin…”

I burst out laughing; I was laughing so hard with the thought of him hearing my Whoos and my sex talk….

I find him so hilarious and crazy, crazy good. and what was that he said,”MY ENTIRE SOUL LIGHTS UP WHEN I READ ANYTHING FROM YOU…” that leaves a huge smile 😃 on my face..

“You have me laughing so hard,” I let him know. “I do hope I will be able to live up to your expectation and imaginations,’ I told him. And I wish I could see them through your eyes… they seems like so much fun.”

Baby… that will be the easy part! He told me.

“Still laughing,” I tell him. I was so tickled I could not stop laughing.

He then went on to assure me of his character,

“I know you are nervous but I’m really easy to talk to and a good read of character… I’m also never pushy… I have a strong personality and can be tough if needed, but I’m compassionate and won’t put you on the spot often… That being said I know the thought of you Cumming over the phone messed you up! And got you a little excited too… am I right?

I started to laugh again. He has me cracking up; I couldn’t control my laughter.

Yeah!’ I told him. How can you make me feel so good and horny all the time? Is this normal? I ask him.

Yes, it’s perfect!! He said. “So if we take the next step and you decide we can talk… I promise I won’t mess you up… at first I will be a gentleman.”

So that’s the next step… I asked. ‘voice talk, I’m not too good with verbal conversation… you see, the good thing about texting, I can choose what I say by deleting if it doesn’t sound right.”

Yes I’ve watched you do it many times! It’s okay baby… I’m easy to talk to and practice makes perfect!!! I’m never going to judge and I will always be patient love.

He was truly a most amazing man and somehow I believe everything that he was saying to me; I sound so gullible; but I honestly think he is very straightforward not being overly conceited. (and of course … because I was so emotionally attached to him.. everything he says seems so damn impressive… funny how the mind works in connections to what the heart feels.)

Ok? Are you ready for this? He asked

I don’t know,’ I said. Wondering what am I suppose to be ready for, so I waited…

And here it comes; “I can’t wait to tease you sexually…strip you naked… kiss you super deep and then strip myself down so you can see my hard cock ready for you… then… slide down your body nice and slow and kiss the inside of your legs and around your pussy… suck and lick all around it while I’m telling exactly what I’m going to do with you…get close enough to your clit so you can feel my warm breath… but no touching… when I’m ready and you are going to explode… I will take you in my mouth.”

I think I climax while reading that; my kitty was jumping up and down all ready to play, and so I oblige and give her what she was begging for. I could visualize every thing he was describing…

Oh wow! I said, ‘believe it or not I can actually picture it; and my kitty is purring for some.’ I told him.

I did not let him know I cum about three times in less than a minutes just by visualizing and reading his text. this is the same girl who was shying away from all sexual suggestions that i lied about being a virgin… but… my desires have become so damn intense that all my senses becomes so heighten whenever he is talking to me that I now welcome  and embrace his sexual advances  and even as much as enjoying his scenarios he set for me…

And so he continued to tantalize and tease me with his words; ‘and you will cum huge for your man… and then I will eat every drop of you… and get you ready for more…I will softly tell you what is going to happen next while I gently massage your swollen clit…with my tongue and then the head of my hard cock…talking softly… till you say please, let me have it now baby… and then I will tease you a little more and then fill you full of my hard throbbing cock for the second load…

Wheeew…. Ooooh! I was more than ready for that hard throbbing cock… I was completely turned on and my kitty was jumping even more… my whole body was set ablaze for the need of him… it’s like he went in my mind and knew exactly how I like to be loved; tease and being tantalized;… and I again reach the height of ecstasy…

if only I get just one day with this guy, just one day… but again only in my dreams, because I’m not Paige and because I have to let go of him… soon.

So I told him, ‘you are just too much, you are driving me crazy.’

But he was not finished with me yet,

“after you explode all over my cock… I will ask you to do something kinky… and I hope you will oblige.’

OMG!! What you are you doing to me?’ I asked. Something kinky???? Am I ready for this?

So he proceeds to tell me.”I will ask you to lick some of your kitty juices off my cock and keep it on your tongue and then kiss me deep and let me taste your mouth and pussy at the same time… I want both.”

Oh I know you will love that.” I informed him. “and so would I….”

Then he said the most charming thing, “I want to taste the cum we make with the most passionate kiss I dream of… how could it get better than that… my sexy girl’s passion.”

It couldn’t… nope…. I was so turned on that I thought it was so hott…

So I told him, ‘you have the best imagination ever.”

Then he has the nerves to ask me “I have you mess up? Don’t I?

He knew it….

For sure,” I told him. “You purposely did it… you…

Then he is acting all sorry… when I know he was probably laughing and getting a kick out of it.

“I’m sorry! You get me all fired up pretty girl! And I just start saying exactly what’s on my mind.’

I let him know…. “You know I would be all gamed,” ..: you know exactly how much you affect me and how much sexual energy you transmit…”

I have come to the point where just the thought of him provoke a strong sexual stimulation … and when connecting I can sense him as if he’s next to me… that my whole being is ignite with this electrifying desire…

I know pretty girl!!” He said. “And all of this and more will happen if you choose more. I’m very spontaneous in bed and will please you in a ton of different ways, I hope. And I’m super visual… So I will want to look at you! Take you in… feel you with all my senses.”

I was feeling him with all my senses right now… and sure wish I could choose more. I want more…

And I sit there reading what he is saying and I start to cry … because I found him… I did…. This man… this most marvelous man of my dreams… he is everything I have always wanted in a man… and I’m here hiding behind little Paige; and now I can’t even claim none of this… him… and I wonder… would he like me or feel this way if he knew it was me….

Nay…no… he wouldn’t… I doubt it.

“Really I hope you won’t be too disappointed.” I told him.

Nita, please don’t worry baby…” he said reassuringly. “We have a natural chemistry that will guide us in the right direction… I’m certain.

The chemistry is there for sure, but…

“We definitely have chemistry and it’s leading me.. sweet Allen … and I want more.. more of you…” I then told him,

He says,” oh really.” Nothing forced baby… it’s always better earned.”

So I finished explaining what I meant. “Doing and saying all the right things; you know how to keep me right there.”

So he told me, ‘I want you to know in your mind that you making a great decision… in every step we make… some might be scary but that it is a good thing! It can still be a great decision!”

I started to feel guilty and bad; he sounds so sincere….

but I shake it off;

No… I thought… not now ….I don’t want to go there; not today.

And I’m thinking really hard about it.’ I told him.” And although you said you are not pushing or forcing… every time we talk you makes me feel better about us.”

“Take your time sweet girl. I will be here! One step at a time.. Maybe a phone thing is next… then we meet on your terms… For lunch… or a flight… or a flight to lunch! Your call… and we just go from there.”

Sounds so enticing.” I told him. “I’m actually anticipating a flight with you. You create such a great picture for me.” {And I was; I wish I could say yes to his proposition}

Either way… “He was saying. “Our pace is your discretion, ok pretty girl? We can stay right here as texting friends as long as you need…. And omg! Am I looking forward to flying with you! I’d love our first date to be a flight… that would be epic! And something we would never forget… don’t you think?”

I was so caught up in the moment and with his suggestion that I almost forget it is not possible; I was getting and feeling all excited about going on a flight with him. And as he said, “that would be epic.”

I think for sure.” I would definitely love that.. it would be a first for me”….I told him. “It would definitely be something else.”{How I wish I could}

I WAS TAKEN BACK TO REALITY AGAIN.. . AND I FEEL A SADNESS COME OVER ME… I’M JUST FOOLING MY SELF AND MAKING A FOOL OF ME AND WORSE … MAKING A BIGGER FOOL OF ALLEN; I BELIEVE HE GENUINELY AND SINCERELY  LOVE ME.. but… I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO END THIS GAME … AND THE TRUTH BE TOLD… I’M LOVING EVERY MOMENT I GET THE CHANCE  TO SPEND WITH HIM…

BUT HOW CAN I CONTINUE TO DECEIVE HIM KNOWING ITS NO WAY I CAN MAKE THIS RIGHT AGAIN.. NO WAY I CAN JUSTIFY THIS DECEPTION..NO WAY OUT OF THIS LIE I CREATED…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7c

MY SWEET ALLEN

SERENDIPITY

AND AS I WAS THERE TRYING TO ABSORB IT ALL… AND TRYING TO VALIDATE MY REASONS FOR NOT WALKING AWAY FROM THIS DECEPTION… SELFISHLY JUSTIFYING LEADING HIM ON… HE KINDLY AND LOVINGLY WAS TRYING TO SHOW ME WHY WE WOULD BE GOOD TOGETHER…

 

“Yes I love you… Love is a perfect feeling… we have that right? That is how I define it.” He answered.

“And what about my lack of exposure?” I again asked.

‘My world will evolve…I will make things happen as they need to baby…I am capable of many things… but most of all. I am a pleaser… So I make the people I love happy.’ He has me know.

You are up there and I am down here.” I say to him.

No silly,” he said. “Nobody is up or down… it’s just timing…and I am a space planner for a living! I’ve got this! 

Black or white? I asked. 

He laughed at me, “ha-ha!!! No such thing! It’s all grey scale.

I sent him two more smiley faces; . “You got this… I said to him. “You are so funny and I love it.”

“Perfect!” He exclaimed. “So trust me baby…. The sky isn’t the limit! I am a pilot.

And I sat there reading all this stuff he is saying and I don’t have one thing to contribute; and I am wondering… how does he come up with all this? How does he find all the right words to convince me and to reassure me…? I did not even remember that a minute ago I was disturbed and apprehensive. He has a way with me… He knows exactly what to say to put my mind at ease. And again I was I awe of him.

And so I said to him, “are you from this planet?”

We will be perfect baby… he was assuring me, “but I promise I will not rush anything ok.” And then he laughed, “Ha-ha! Yes I am an earthling.

 Then I agree with him that the sky is the limit.( I misread… )“Because you are out of this world” I told him.

I really was just sitting there admiring him and wondering if everything that he is saying, he means. He can’t be this nice and sensitive and just plain wonderful, But, he is; And he still can’t be mine; and how I wanted him to be mine ;{ God let me have him I pray}

I was so blinded by my intense emotions and my raging desires… and all I was feelings was this profound admiration and love ❤️ for a man I don’t hardly know … only just his words.. But… right now… all that matters is him.. and this most awesome connection I can’t explain….

Now Nita… he called me… don’t be silly… Nita…

Oh my!” I said

he made some suggestive comments…

“Really?  “I ask him back.

I need to know my girl come huge before she went to bed.” He told me.

 I have already taken care of that earlier’ I informed him.

“So think of having……. (he continued with his suggestions)

OMG! I squeal.

And you will again! He told me. “And oh man!!! That is hot!

I’m actually feeling like it again.” I informed him. “You better stop because I’m going to explode with pleasure.”

Then he gave it to me,” so think about me between your legs ……..(and in great  depth.. he gave me details of what he would do with me…) give your man our passion…. I need to swallow you.”

He is so goood at this; I thought. So I told him, “You should write an erotic book”

I wanted so much to join in with him.. but didn’t wanna blow my deception… so I let him seduce me wholeheartedly and I love ❤️ every word… every detail of his erotic scenarios…

He laughed at my comment,”Hahaha!! Cum for me baby,’ he begged.

So I told him, “okay I’m Cumming!’  and he continued… He was still saying. Good girl!!!! I love it.”

You are so bad! “I said of him. But goood for me.”

Nita, ‘he called my name, “I’m jerking off.” He let me know.

“Oh my” I said

Oh’… I said again with pleasure

we have a little sexual session and he took me to heights I never knew I could reach virtually.. I kinda forget in that moments about all my struggles to walk away.. I was having so much fun.. and just enjoying the sexual energy that we were experiencing …

And the app locked up!!! It was amazing to cum together.  He let me know. “Ok pretty girl let’s sleep… night sweet girl … sorry I kept you up!

Oh please don’t be … I told him. ‘The pleasure was all mines… night sweet Allen… love you.

Night Nita… and I love you too!

How hearing those words warms my heart and let me beam with delight

And we ended our conversation.

I went to sleep a little troubled but relaxed from our little session.  (It’s so funny 😂 how very quickly I forget that I didn’t want any sexual insinuations.. but….my desires for it was so intense… and he knew it.. ) My mind was still at war with the decision of us. I was still a little surprised to know he is in love with me…I was feeling on the top of the world knowing this..

But back to realityI have to let him go but

Every time I thought of him gone it gives me an enormous anxiety attack.  But how can I  lead him on much longer; I started to feel very guilty about my actions ..

But I know, losing him is actually the only choice I had. I knew he would never like me no matter what; I look at me in the mirror; he doesn’t see my face…I gave him the vision of Paige

I could not see how or where he would ever consider me;  It did not make me feel too good.

I drift off to sleep with mixed feelings…intoxicatingly happy…and yet so sad…

He loves me…. I love him…

but…

I can’t hold on to him… 


To BE CONTINUED…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7b

MY SWEET ALLEN

SERENDIPITY

I didn’t respond so he continued to talk …  I just didn’t know what I should say or how to react… he took me by surprise… and the craziest thing was… I actually beleived  him..

 

He said, I don’t know how this is happening I just know how I feel. If you don’t want to hear it I will never say it again.”

I told him, ‘I want to hear it, but didn’t quite expect it.”

I didn’t either. He told me. I’m just being honest.’

And I start to think, if he loves me, and we are feeling the same way all this time… it must mean that I might be in love with him too.

So I asked him, … but it was more of an acknowledgment

“so what I’m feeling could be love too?”

“I have love many people for many reasons… to me this is love… I don’t need you to reciprocate… I just wanted to be open and honest”. He told me.

How do you know love different from anything else? I simply ask him.

I was wondering if this could be infatuation or lust instead. Because I could not explain the raging emotions and desires I was feeling. And to come to the realization I am in love with him was inconceivable.

And of course he has a plausible explanation, ….

“well when you wake up at 4 something and grab your phone to send a love letter… yeah. To me that’s love.’

That was the plain truth as I see it; because here we are both of us, up at this hour of the morning wanting nothing but to feel connected…

“Laughing” I said to him. ‘You are so right.’

I was laughing partly because I was happy that he loves me and partly because Ive got myself in quite a bind.  I win a love that I can’t cash in;

how did he fall for me? Was it because he like Paige pictures so much? Was he so fascinated with her? OMG! I can’t and not able to give him what he wants… Paige.

I was thinking ….the only reasons he is in love was because he fell in love with paige’s photos…and I know I couldn’t compete with that…

Then he went on trying to let me understand,… thinking behind these texts of mine.. is the image of paige’s face

love can’t be defined to me… it’s something you feel but you can’t put in words… you know you need that person as close as much as possible.’

And I told him, ….

“and right now I can’t explain my feelings… and I sure need to be close to you.’

That’s perfect!’ he said we are totally on the same page baby.”

Seems like it to me.’ I said.

You will always set the pace baby…” he was saying, “I will follow your lead till you are completely invested. After that I will take the lead and romance you and love you huge… show you how big my heart is.”

 I was sad…perturbed and flipping out a little, I never once… thought or expected “LOVE”; but here it is …. And I can’t even claimed it because I am playing this silly game of deception, thinking it’s all for fun.

trying to buy some time with this most amazing guy. I never saw this coming… now I have to make the only choice there is… I have to let go of him…

but ….

my god…my god…my god…!!! I am going to lose him….  And I felt my tears flowing down my cheeks with the realization

I was having an anxiety attack ..,

the thought became unbearable…. I stop responding

So I told him, “Look, I am kinda lost for words.  A bit confused happy, nervous, unsure. You name it… I’m it.”

And I was, he just did not know the real reasons.

Then he said to me, ‘if I’m coming too strong Nita, please tell me and I will curb this… I don’t want to freak you out… I promise my intentions are good… I know you are confused… I can back off and be a friend if that’s what best for you. I promise.” 

I was very tempted to tell him right there and then;

I wanted you so bad… but…, I started to say.

There is that but… he stated. Ok here is the deal… I’m going to back way off… I’m sorry. He told me.

I could not muster up the but… he was giving me a way out of this dilemma and I was thinking this could be for the best

But instead I ask, ‘

“how can you be able to be friends after all this?’

Well, we will try. He said. ‘I am sure we can be great friends!! I mean we seem to get along great!”

With his wanting to back out… I should have felt reliefbut instead..

I start to feel panicky that he is going to turn and run…

as usual he could sense my hesitancy and doubts… he was right, he just did not know the real reason.

You just took me by surprise… that all.” I told him.

I understand,” he said.

Friends is good but I will always want more,” I confesses to him.

Then he says,” listen… Nita… just friends… we will chat once in a while; while you figure things out. Ok? I will be here.”

All I read all I  understood  was… he was ending us….I went a little berserk and my head start to spin and hands shaking and my heart beating wildly against my chest with fear that he is  going. I could hardly breathe; I had to, stop breathes slowly and tries to calm myself. I thought… my god… this is bad… how am I going to let him go if this is how I feel with the thought of him not there.

So I told him exactly what I was going through, “OMG!!! You are leaving me… there are tears in my eyes and my heart is pounding against my chest…. My hands are shaking.

He then tries to assure me, ‘no I will never do that!! I am trying to give you room to process…  I will be here waiting for you. I want more Nita…I know you are all messed up. I’m going to be a gentleman…  I foolishly admitted that I’m falling in love and scared you… but Nita… it’s real…And so if and when you are ready I’m here. I want so much more…

His words give me some assurance and calm my anxietyI was over reacting with my insecuritiesI was so afraid of losing our connection that I failed to use this opportunity to save myself from revealing this deception

I was a bit calmer by now… so I asked him, “okay if this is what you want…. Are you really, really sure?

Maybe I’m too sleepy… Idk…I’m sorry if I’ve sent mixed signals’… he was sounding confused himself, “I’m just so into you… and it’s been forever since I’ve felt anything even remotely like this. I feel like every night you tell me you are confused and uncertain… so I feel I should give you an out… if you come back … be ready!

That was my queue; I should have taken that way out; but as usual I have to be selfish; I could not deal with the thought of him gone even though that was the only choice I had;. So I had to string this most thoughtful and understanding man along with my false pretenses. I just didn’t know how to stop, how to walk away…  I couldn’t think very clearly right then.

So me, with my pathetic self instead of taking his offer out, I try to hang on; leading him on a little longer knowing  damn well I have nothing to contribute to this relationship;

So I told him, ‘I looked forward so much to talk to you. I get excited for more of you; you have become an addicting habit.

 Yeah, I totally get it!! He said. Look at me! Look at us! It’s five.”

Don’t know what I was thinking I could offer him; but I ask him, ‘and what do you want me to do? What would be the next step?

“I want you to always do what you feel best for you, Nita”. He told me.

“My excitement now becomes fear… fear of losing you”.

I let him know.

“And it doesn’t feel so good.

I actually was very afraid of losing him even though it was the inevitable thing.

And he makes it worse by telling me,

“I want you to let us go… or promise to take the next step at some point… in the next month or two at least… but please don’t be afraid of anything…  I’m here baby.”

And I asked with my heart as heavy as lead, ‘you want me to let us go?”

This was the last thing I wanted to do..I started to cry with the thought of letting go

I know I could not promise him anything and I know I have to let him go for all the reasons he doesn’t know about; if only I could be Paige…{ oh what tangled web we weave.}

“I will not push… I promise… I just want to set a realistic expectation… for both of us… that is fair right? He asked of me.

It is… it is… I agreed.

“Ok then,’ he said. Sleep on it baby… no pressure… ever… you know where my heart is…”

He was trying to reassure me that all he wants is the best for us; and all I’m seeing and hearing is goodbye, simply because I know there is no way I can ever have him or his love. And I was dying inside; because right now, more than anything… that was all I wanted… him.

It sounds like goodbye to me.” I told him.

Again he reassured me, ‘it’s not though… I promise.”

How will know this? I asked.

Read it all back tomorrow… he asked of me, ‘it’s just me being courteous and giving you an out.  Because I know you are scared and confused… and I never want to take advantage of that… so I’m trying to help.’

I convinced myself that this was it… so I said to him, ‘in a blaze glory… I found you, and I’m losing you the same way.’

 I guess he was getting annoyed with my reservation and negativity;

that lead him to say, ‘I have made my feelings clear… and I will tell you again… I want more! More anything Wakanita! And anything Wakanita.”

I realize this so I switch and try to blame it on my so-called young age; “I guess this is where my immaturity fails me.”

He then went back to be reassuring, “pretty girl…Please understand. I’m not closing any doors… I’m allowing you to be in control… although I would love to take the helm and love you madly… I will let you decide our fate.

“I don’t know how to handle and take this,” I started to say, but I switch and say instead, “ok my Allen, I’m going you stay positive and believe in you…. I will do as you asked.

You see, he does not know the reason behind all my reservations; so he will never understand, and seeing I can’t allow myself to tell him; or build up the courage to walk away and let him go; I will just play this game until i find a way.

Please do! I am falling in love with you Nita. And I’m giving you complete control at the same time.” He said to me.

“Because I want more too.” I finish telling him.

“a rush of emotion just totally wash over me.” He informed me.

Then I said, “oh my! You love me… me.

Yes I love you!” he convinces me.

“I can’t believe that you do just by talking to me.” I told him

He then argues, “people are so scared to admit it because it hurts to lose it… f…k that… I’m willing to risk what it takes.”

Then I confess to him, “I think I may be in love with you too.”

And he went onto say, “define love… you can’t… you never will… it’s a moving target… I know we are falling in love and that isn’t a bad thing.”

Then I went back in role, ‘I am not too sure what it feels like… to be in love.” I told him. 

[Why do I do that? If I have nothing to say… then shush.]

You are baby…” it’s why we are so crazy.” He told me.

“Allen … is it possible? I ask of him.

It’s like defining a color… you can’t.” he was saying. “Yes” he answered me. “We are in love”… where it goes… it’s up to us.” 

But Wakanita … I love you for sure!” he stated with confident.

I sent him two smiley faces;] and give out. “You love me for sure…WOW!!!”

‘Perhaps you will break my heart. But I’m willing to put it out there… I’m ours to take or leave or ruin!’ he let me know.

And I thought… ruin… for sure.

And then I ask him, ‘and I wonder, will I fit in your world?

Then I started to think about his prestige life style and thinking I could never fit in his world anyways… So I started to question the possibility of us ever being together… so  strange how I allow myself to play this role…  and as usual.. he have all the right things to say to console me and to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about…

I should have cut off our conversations and do as he asked hours ago… he gave me the perfect alibi to get out of this dilemma that I built …

It’s not going to end well… because I don’t know when and where to get out..

 

TO BE CONTINUED….

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 7

so I woke up feeling so refreshed…I was feeling good with myself and full of life:  I had a night full of dreams of Allen;  he has taken over my whole being; he was the only thing  I was capable of thinking of…

As soon as I got up…I had to let him know exactly what I was feeling and how he was impacting my mood…So I wrote to him,

“Good morning to you my Allen…. Well after we stop talking, I went back to those final texts of yours… you knew I would have… and relive every word… I drifted off to sleep imagining you beside me and I swear could feel you, I close my eyes and went to a dream living every word you wrote… you are rocking my world Allen, with only your words. My night was filled with your passion. You have awakened something in me I never knew existed and if I can feel this way by merely fantasizing and merely imagining ????… you are blowing my mind…. And everything that goes with it… as I texts my heart is going a mile an hour. I’m really messed up… but it light up my face with this silly smile and I’m so excited for more… much much more of you.”

I did not stop there, though ……

“you know … I wish I could find the right words to express exactly how you make me feel… like you do… you have such a great way of saying and explaining your feelings… you put words on paper like an artist that capture a scenery on canvas… all in all Allen… I’m loving us.. This… whatever it is… and talking about blowing up phone????… you can blow up mine anytime though.” 

And then I asked him,” btw… I want you to find that song and really listen to it and think of me… it is about everything you have said to me… if I did not know better, I would think you wrote it… this is reason I thought of it … it mirrors every word you said to me… this would be the song I want to be playing while we make passionate and explosive love.’[I wanna take forever in your arms)

I didn’t know it, but I was fully blown in love, I did not want to think it; and right there right now all that matters was how I was feeling; I did not stop to think of the consequences of all my declaration  of feelings and how I was leading on ‘MY SWEET Allen’. I was ecstatic and full of exhilaration; and I yearn for more… more of him, and that was all I could think of.

I did not hear from him until 3:30 that evening; I was getting ready to go to work, and was very happy and so thrilled to get that text,

“Well what amazing story to plug into!!! I thought for sure you would not text me till tonight. Man was I wrong, and my god, am I happy, I was! I’m glad you can feel me so perfectly through our words! I can feel you too beautiful. I love the way all this feels and it is having such a amazing and profound effect on my entire day! I’m happier than I’ve been in forever and anxiously waiting for more. This is a beautiful connection Nita… our hearts are in harmony. What a perfect gifts for the holidays!

And he continues to say, “I hope you are having a great day so far and I plan on staying up tonight so we can talk if you would like to. If this how good we feel in written words I can only imagine the emotional and physical connect waiting for us, if you choose to go further Wendy. So do me a favor pretty girl… smile! You wear it so well. I can’t wait to one day see that beautiful smile in person… I have a feeling I will be silly a lot just to get you laughing and smiling.”

I’m reading what he is saying .. I am smiling.. my heart is bursting with joy as I read his words of love

…….and all of a sudden it hit me… all this joy and happiness I am feeling  can’t be mine…  and it was  as if my light went out. And I was left thinking… I need to get out… but I choked up with just the thought of losing him. I did not know what to do or how to do it.

Anyway…’ he said, ‘now I’m blowing you up!! Ha-ha! Well I hope you have a nice day at work and you stay busy so it goes by fast.” Talk soon beautiful!!!

So I said to him, ‘getting ready as we speak…Profound is the word I was thinking this morning… I was amazed at this profound joy I have and get just thinking about you; I can’t believe you are feeling this way too. Anyways, gotta get to work, until tonight… have fun at the Christmas party and save the last dance for me.”

Awwww!!!’ he said, ‘you one every dance pretty girl! You seem to be all I can think about or want! Have a great night Wakanita! Talk later I hope.

I left for work a little apprehensive and perturbed; if he is reciprocating my emotions then I am doing him wrong; I know how strongly I was feeling; and obviously he is feeling with the same intensity

I have to find a way to tell him or stop this. I was getting very upset wit the thought of not ever reading his loving words again

I could not bear the thought but I know it has to be done; and he is such a sweet and wonderful guy; he does not deserve this. The tears were starting and on many occasion I had to brush them away. I was not having good a night at all

I kept thinking of what he had said and how elated he sounded; he was feeling and having the same exact emotions I was; it was so amazing to me, In all my life and of all my affairs; husbands and all; I never felt this kind of superb connection before; and I love it…. And I need it… and I just can’t have it. It can’t be mine… because I am not Paige and I don’t look like Paige.

Regrets start to enter my mind… asking myself why did I start with this deception

How did I get here… he has gotten so important to me and I have become so emotionally invested

 I had mixed feeling all day long one minute I was getting all excited and overly anxious to get home so I could talk to him and feel some more of this ecstatic emotions; next minute I was all agitated and frantic because I  know I have to let him go. But until I come up with a plausible reason to back out, I’ll continue to enjoy him for as long as I can make it last.

(And this is where I’m messing up.. prolonging an affair that’s impossible to maintain… just so I can enjoy him.. while playing this horrific game of deception..)

So when I got home I anxiously wrote him excitingly; almost forgetting my struggle and agony; all I wanted and all I could think of… was just to feel connect to him, so I said…

“Hey lover!!! Are you up? Just got in from work: it was truly a long day waiting with anticipation to get home so we can talk. At one point I started to get overly anxious… boy you have me real good. So how was your evening? Did you enjoy the party?’ 

“I had to fight to stay focused and a few times I found myself drifting off thinking about you and all that you have said to me.”

I was not getting back any response so I figure my Allen has fallen asleep. I continued to tell him what was going through my mind,

“I particularly like what you said ..you are the happiest than you have been in forever, and that our hearts are in harmony. If you were close I would wrap my arms around you in the tightest hug I could and hold you as close as closely as I can.’

I told him.

I wanted him to know I was having the same euphoric feelings and how very delighted I was to know that he was right there with me; it is most terrific thing to know that you are loved the same way that you love. I have never experienced this; and it was so phenomenal.

Anyways I did not get a response so I try to watch a little TV but could not fully focus, so I try to sleep, of course I could not either;  so at about 4:30 he sent me a text.

“Hey beautiful!! I just woke up and checked my phone… I fell asleep waiting for you, I really wanted to chat. Guess I am just way too tired… anyway… I want to tell you that I’ve had an amazing dreams tonight about us and the night isn’t over!!! So yeah… I can’t wait for more! And Wakanita …. I’d love any contact what so ever… I think when we touch it will validate our feelings and make things so real… so I want anything you want tonight…. I’m going back to sleep so I can be with you again. I hope you wake up, read this and smile! Knowing how much you are cared for and adored!”

My god!! I was smiling so widely and I was so touched by his feelings for me;

I’m smiling,” I said to him.

But he was still talking,

“I can’t tell you how much I love that you are losing focus and drifting to us… I’m totally doing the same thing… whether it’s us holding hands or kissing or making love… it’s just all good and all amazing thoughts of what might be… and that fills my mind with so much love and optimism….so Nita… thank you… thank you for making me feel so alive. Goodnight sweet girl. I hope you are sleeping perfect with sweet dreams”

When I read that last part… I felt a rush of emotional sensation; and tears come to my eyes. He is sensing my emotions again and it’s like he was telling me, exactly what I was feeling and thinking. He was echoing my every thoughts and desires. I could not believe how much in tune we were. 

Perfect!!!’ He said to me, ‘go back to sleep beautiful; night sweetheart.’

I dozed off too. Night Allen, I told him, ‘but now I’m awake and full of excitement.’

And then he told me the most incredible thing; “WAKANITA… I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.”

Oh my’!! I exclaimed. ‘Really? I asked.

 I couldn’t think for a moment; I did not quite expected him to drop that “L” bomb; but he did and it exploded and I was totally blown away… everything was running through my mind; my deception, my lies, my pretense, Paige pictures, me,; my god!!! What am I going to do about this? If there is any time to come clean it is now; but how? I have to think about it. I am going to hurt him real bad; and he is gonna hate me, might even kill me for doing this to him. He such a nice and sweet guy, he don’t deserve this. I was going berserk; I was freaking out.

I really didn’t know what to say next.. I just stood there… looking at my phone and reading his confession over and over… my mind whirling with mixed feelings.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: THE RISE &FALL OF FOREST ANGELS/ HELL ANGELS…part 6

The next few days Forest tried to connect with me but I completely ignored him trying so hard to stick to my decision to leave him alone… I was still commenting on his posts though and leaving little suggestive and provocative comments… being a tease knowing he couldn’t resist trying to connect with me..

So I wasn’t totally being honest and wasn’t playing fair… because I was enjoying being seductive and playing with him and getting a thrill from knowing just how much I was having an effect on him… He played right into my game and I didn’t respond to his gestures of sexual play…

I did find this quite amusing…

a week later he posted a really sexual  provocative post… Of course, yours truly joined all of his other loyal fans.. and made a comment… but this day there was this one comment from someone who thought the post was distasteful  and disgusting and inappropriate…

I’m very argumentative and so I defended forest and tell her if she doesn’t like what she sees … she needs to just keep walking… and we his loyal fans likes him and his stimulating posts… blah blah blah…

She answered, and I reply and then his some of his other followers decided to join in the debate.. all for forest… this one girl “ERICA”… she took her on also… and the next half an hour we raved about forest… I was just having some fun and talking shit.. Erica and  few others was totally agreeing with me…

Forest made a comment once or twice really pleased with our conversations… and we continued talking and making silly comments.. mostly Erica and me… It was really obvious she really liked him… I was really having fun with our little play long…bigging him up.. putting him on a pedal stone….I know him intimately and I was positive all these other fans of his.. do too…

Erica and I went on for a little bit more… this other girl  ‘JENNY’  made a comment in between boosting us along.. and then we have a request from “NELLY”.. asking if she can join in on the conversation… we welcome her aboard… and we carry the conversation a little while longer…

Of course I was well aware that FOREST was able to read every comments we made and I know he was somewhere smiling and enjoying our great admiration of him…all the others leave us chatting and then I got a request from Forest inviting me to join a group chat…

I kinda hesitated to join but not for long… I was curious to see what it’s all about… and so I accepted..There I found ERICA and NELLY… and Forest stated that he enjoyed our little conversation we have going but it will be more private with these group chat… It didn’t take him long before he got really sexual and want to play…  And thus… “FOREST ANGELS” is formed…

I was kinda reluctant to play along sexually in the presence of the girls… but surprisingly they didn’t have any problem with it… I watched for a little taking it all in not sure if I wanted to join in the fun or not… but I was honestly getting a little hott and getting a little stimulated with the scene..

This was my first time taking part in something like this and I was very bashful and blushing…. just thinking of talking  and sexting with these girls.. and they were so good saying all the sexiest things and I was feeling very foolish with my lingo… not sure if I could match theirs…

Forest:     You delicious lil fucking angel…. I love it!
– Nelly     : Mmmmmm
– Forest:     Cmon fuck yourselves for daddy
– Erica..,:    I’m about to cum all over your face lover
– Forest:      Cover me  you sweet delicious bitch!
-Erica..,:     Lick my clit daddy…..Make me spray you….
– Forest:      I’m Sucking the fuck outta that clit
– Erica..,:     Oh god it feels so fucking good my Irish king…. Turn around into 69 and I’m sucking your cock….My tits rubbing against your stomach..

I
– Forest:      Gag on it you sexy angel…
– Erica..,:     Pushing it deep in my throat
– Forest:      Snake a couple greedy fingers in your asshole …

-Nelly    : Let me have some Erica
– Erica..,:     Massaging it with my swallowing motion….Take his cock…I’ll ride his face….
– Nelly:        Let’ me suck that juicy cock….
– Forest:     Get in there Wendy, help nelly lollipop this big dick ….Fucking spit on it… take turn sucking on it … suck on my nuts.. come on wendy… wendy?????

I was silent all this time but they could see my following them…so Forest was urging me to join in … I still didn’t feel brave enough  so I still kept silent…
– Nelly:       All the way down my throat …All wet…
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmm lick that cunt….make me come again master…
– Forest:    Slap your fucking eager  face with it…
– Nelly:     Mmmmmm … Yeah !!! Heavy… smell and feel so good against my cheeks…
– Erica..,:      How do I taste… lover?
– Forest:       Cramming this tongue so fucking deep in your snatch… Like fucking candy baby..
– Nelly:     Fuck my face off lover???
– Erica..,:     Love how you man handle me my lord
– You:       I’m climbing on … Nelly move over… let me have some of this luscious man meat…

I was so hott and decided to jump in and enjoy some of this stimulating play time… I put all my inhibitions aside and throw caution to the wind… this scene with the girls was making me super hott and very excited…My desires was rising and I was on fire wanting to erupt.. I was caught up again in forest sexual game… and I was gamed…

 
– Erica..,:     Spank me….make my ass cheeks firehouse red…
– Forest:      Milk this fucking cock with your fuck muscles wendy?
– You:       Yes … Deep .. clenching… gripping… milking lover…
– Forest:     Fuck me good you delicious sex goddess…
– You:     I’m Humping up and down …. grinding in deeply as I gripped that hard throbbing cock tightly with each thrust…
– Erica..,: I’ve been a bad girl daddy…I need punishment….
– You:    Screaming … Oooooh fuck me … yesss harder.. hhooooo… Yeah!!!!
– Forest:    Wait your  turn you lil horny  angel… Erica…Gonna put in your ass babygirl…
– Erica..,:    Yes daddy … please….it’s winking and ready for that nine inches of rock solid meat…
– Nelly:     Where you want me daddy..
– Forest:      Keep fucking me wendy..
– Forest:     Suck Wendy’s fucking clit Nelly…
– Erica..,:      Can I have a kiss…so I can taste how I taste on your lips..

-Nelly:   let me kiss you erica so you taste wendy’s juices…
– Forest:     And put some fingers in her ass nelly..
– You:      Oooooh..shit … yesss…
– Forest:    Not now erica… will kiss you later…just let me finger fuck that juicy pussy and lick up all your juices as you gushed in my mouth and on my tongue…

– You:     Fuuuuccckkkk !!!!!
– Erica..,: Mmmmmmm
– You: Yessss …. Pleaaasse….. I’m Cummin … Aaaaah ….omg!!!…. ooooh yeah!!
– Forest: Glaze this big dick with your fuck juice Wendy..

-Nelly:     you taste so good wendy… I’m licking some off your dick forest as you pump in an out of wendy’s oozing kitty…

– You: Aaaaaaah!!! gushing… dribbling out over your cock…
-Nelly,:     I’m licking your clit wendy… erica kiss me my bitch… taste her juices…
– You:       Oooooh Yesss …..Oooooh Yessss Oooooh Yeeeaah!!!!
– Forest:      Finger fuck her butthole as you kiss erica…
– Erica..,: Mmmmm…I’m cummin daddy… finger me harder… make me cum hard for you…
– You:     Ooooh yeeees …. Fuck me.. Fucckkk meeee forreestt… I’m cummin again..
– Forest:     I want some God damn video ladies…
– Erica..,: Yes daddy
– Forest: Video
– Forest: Video
– Forest: Video

 

Forest send three videos of him… they were very stimulating as always
– You:    Oh baby baby baby … good as ever.. never get tired of seeing that beautiful cock of yours..

-nelly:      Mmmmmm … Yes.. Right in my face …You cum so hard…  that was good forest… you have one of the biggest and prettiest cock I have seen…
– Forest:    Cmon Wendy get fuckin nasty for me…

He was prompting me to make a video .. but I wasn’t going to … I wasn’t ready to share that with the girls..
– Erica..,:    Mmmmmmmm…so true nelly…
– You:   we could love on that all day long and all night too…
– Forest: Cmon girls??   Video (he sent another to encourage us…)
-Nelly:     Video ….
– Erica..,:    video …
– You: Liked Erica.., message
– You: Thank you thank you thank u all…I needed this ..this morning…

 

Erica and Nelly both send their videos.. I didn’t… I thought I would just exit.. I was feeling self-conscious again and feel like I don’t fit in with them… I was so amazed how these girls was so brave and had no problem sharing their intimate assets…

I did enjoy the little sexual romp we had though… this was something new and exciting to me… and the girls was really a big encouragement.. I just knew it wouldn’t be long before I evolved and to participate with them..more…

Forest however was so tickled by us he started another conversation soon after and we played late into the night…
Next morning … he again hit us up and I joined in with Erica… Nelly couldn’t she was at work… I was home and so was Erica… that same evening Nelly join us and we had another foursome… Forest requested pictures…  and after Nelly and Erica summit there’s  I still didn’t…

I decided to talk to Forest on a one way conversation.. to tell himand to explain of my reservation of sharing pictures and videos…

Forest:     I adore you… my little team leader
– You:    You think I’m the team leader???  I think Erica has that title ..
– Forest:   Lol… it’s close
– You:     But.. You my stud.. Is the main attraction.. You brings us And hold us together
– You:         You are the feast.. That we can’t get enough of …
– Forest:      I fucking love it
– You:      And in reality.. I wouldn’t share you so willingly.. I definitely wouldn’t at all
– Forest:     Lol
– You:      Hey … It’s fun with the angels… But the truth be told… I enjoy you much more…. And cum much more.. And much harder.. When I have you all by myself….😄☺ Just saying… And so you know… 😉
– Forest:    Mmmmmm I will tend to you personally every now and then I assure you …
– You:    And I’m more eager to share videos and pictures with you… This is my very first time doing threesome or foursome.. I have never done it before.. Even in reality….I’m not comfortable showing my personal pictures and videos to the girls…
– Forest: I understand that but if you want to be an angel, you must obey me. I will service you one on one….
– You: HAHAhaha …lmoa… Really??? Oh my goodness.. HAHAhaha

I really thought he was joking around.. so i was laughing at his comments..
– Forest:    Yes really ….You ok with that?

– You:     We have created a monster
– Forest    : Nope, just the way it should be
– You: Are you being totally serious right now forest..????
– Forest: Lol… don’t trip…. Just have fun…

– You: Or just funning ….HAHAhaha …. I am actually … Having lots and lots of fun.. but… wtf????

I couldn’t believe the audacity of this mf…  was he for real…???  I really hoped he was still in the game mode…

 
– Forest:    Ok good… This doesn’t work without you baby…
– You:      IDK about this arrangement… and I don’t know if this is for me…. I’m easily replaceable …
– Forest:    You will get one on one…
– Forest:      And no you are not…I don”t want a replacement… just stay with the group and let’s continue to have some fun and enjoy each other…

-You:   Hmmm???? I will have to think about this…
– Forest: Photo … just know that you are an essential part of this….
– You:     Ooooh my.. You know I a beautiful chest.. Don’t you..????

He sent me a picture of his chest and I realize he was trying to change the subject.. I went along with it… and after we finished talking I went to talk with the other angels  and tell them about our conversation and tell them I might be leaving the group….

they talked me into staying and again reminded me it’s just a game of fun and I shouldn’t take it and forest so seriously… and assured me… they love playing with me..  and thus forming the group “HELL ANGELS”… They also beg me to participate and more involved  when playing…

And so I stayed…

****************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED……

ONLINE DATING: SWEET LOVER: THE RISE AND FALL OF “HELL ANGELS/ FOREST ANGELS” part 5

IT WAS TWO DAYS AFTER, I HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN… AND IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD PLACE A COMMENT ON HIS RECENT POST… I TEND TO USE HUMOROUS SEXUAL INNUENDOS AND INSINUATIONS WHICH IS SOMETIMES PROVOCATIVE… AND HE JUST CAN’T RESIST BUT RESPOND TO THESE… 

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ALSO AND THIS IS THE ONLY DAY I GET TO BE POPULAR WITH FRIENDS AND RELATIVES… AND TO MY SURPRISE I GOT A LOT OF BIRTHDAY WISHES ON THE SITE WE WERE ON… SO I WAS IN A VERY GOOD MOOD AND SO PLEASED WITH ALL THE GREETINGS  AND ATTENTION I WAS RECEIVING… MY PHONE WAS BLOWING UP… THEN  I  GOT HIS TEXT…

– Forest: Thank you for liking my post.
– Forest: Wendy?
– You: Haaa … Forest…. I missed out on being your very good girl… HAHAhaha.. And I wanted so much to suck that nine inches of pure pleasure.. And be rewarded… With you gushing all over me…

I was trying to be funny; I wanted to mention that statement he sent on valentine’s day … but thought I would just make a joke of it instead… I actually started out telling him I didn’t like his approach.. but changed my mind thinking, why should I even bother…so I try to be humorous…
– Forest: Mmmmmmmmm fuck yes
– You: Maaan.. !! Maybe next time.. I know it will be a while before you find your way back around to me… But.. That beautiful nine inches of solid Fuck meat… Is worth the wait…

I always wanted him to know, I know of his demanding popularity…
– Forest: What are you doing right now?
– You: It’s my birthday.. So my phone is all tied up with calls and texts from my fans and family.. So sorry.. It the one day I get to be popular…
– Forest: Check out this Tango Surprise!
– Forest: Well Happy Birthday Wendy!  (sent 3videos)

he sent me a birthday wish with a cake and three videos of him.. of course naughty ones…

– You:     Happy birthday to me.. Love those videos… What else could a girl asks for.. Ooooooooh thank you forest… Best gift ever… You knew just what I needed…

– Forest:     Muah!   Miss seeing you   btw….I love your beautiful body….

– You:      Wish I could have be sitting on that hard stiff rod right now….Mmmmmm!!!!
– Forest: Mmmmmmmmm…
– You: I will send you some more of me … Next time you have time to play with me… I do love to see that beautiful cock cum for me…
– Forest: Well I’m ready now….. Lol
– You:     I Don’t have the time right now…
– Forest:    Lol… I know. Soon baby soon… Stroking this big dick for you right now…
– You:       Oh Jesus!!!!! Aren’t you at work… Lover???
– Forest:   No
– You:      Nooooo??? Do you got a day off???
– Forest:     Can you call me… Late start today…
– You:      no I can’t call… I’m talking to my brother on whatsapp… From Jamaica.. Inbetween talking to you…
– Forest:     Oh ok…..
– You:       But .. So you know.. Kitty is so very excited to hear from you… She so much wanted to play.. Just bad timing…right now.. I can’t help but be petting her.. And Maaaan.. She is just loving it..

I was playing with his head… trying to be naughty…

– Forest: Mmmmmmmm….. I absolutely love your style…And your wit..
– You:     You do.. Well thank you forest
– Forest:    I do very much..
– You:      I try to be humorous all the time ….

– Forest:    I dig that about you..
– You:         Although I know I’m corny sometimes….Oooooooh good…  I dig you too forest…
– Forest:     And you turn me the fuck on
– You:       Ooooooooh Shiiiit!!! really??? is that so???
– Forest:   Mhmm… Cock gets hard just talking to you…
– You:     Wow..!!! I’m so flattered….I do love to get you hard though..smiling huge…

– Forest:    I’d love to fuck you silly…
– You:      Funny thing is.. Kitty reacts the same around you
– Forest:   Just a weekend of pure unadulterated fucking……Mmmmmmm…
– You:       Wwwwhhhoooo boy….That would definitely be my glory…
– Forest:     Just rock hard cock constantly pumping your fuck holes…
– You:         That’s right forest… And I want to feel that rock hard in all these fuck holes.. Mmmmmm…
– Forest:   Fuck yes Wendy
– You:      I would let you transfer from one to the other.. Again and again… Over and over and over again…
– Forest:    You make me wanna touch myself…Piston fucking your holes…
– You:      Till you explode all that cum all over me… I wanna touch you tooo….
– Forest:     Bury it in your pussy… pull out and right into the next…

– You:      Pounding…. Ooooooooh yeah….And back to eager pulsating kitty…
– Forest:    Leave it buried and start to pulse and throb inside you…
– You:       Whoaaa!!! yesss… oooh yesss!!!

– Forest:     Milk this cock with your fuck muscles…
– You:         Mhmm.. Mhmmm….Ooooooooh yeah.. Milking it dry..
– Forest:    Getting my cock out…
– You:       I will clenched and gripped to milk every bit out…and Getting you ready again… For round two.

– Forest:     That’s it Wendy
– Forest:     Stroking….
– You:         Oh no??….
– Forest:   Oh yes..
– You:    I went and did it… didn’t I????
– Forest:   Yes you did…

– You:    Just can’t control myself around you… It seems…
– Forest:    I’m glad…This feels so good…
– You:        I would climb on and ride you like a wild horse… Bucking and humping… Wildly… And you would want to get up… And take control…
– Forest:     Scream as you fuck me…
– Forest:     That’s right
– You:      You would probably throw me against the wall..pull my ass up and out And plunged it in hard and fast…
– Forest:     Stretching your naughty little fuck holes with 9 inches of cock…
– You:       as you Push me  forcingly into the wall… Ooooooooh yeah .. I love it a little rough…
– Forest:    Take this man meat Wendy
– You:    I’d be the one screaming then… Ooooooooh yes…Fuck me forest.. fuck me good..
– Forest:    God I love fucking you..!!!!!!

– You:     I would be pushing my ass up for more of you..wanting it deeper…ooooohh!!!!
– Forest:   I wanna cum in your ass
– You:     Oh yeah??? In my ass????

I wasn’t too sure about that… but this is just virtual and like a fantasy.. so instead of spoiling his fun… i just play along making him live out his….
– Forest:   Fill it
– You:      I’m pulling my ass cheeks apart…. Begging you to put it …Shaking with anticipation…
– Forest:    Take all this cock in your ass
– You:        Now forest
– Forest:    ALL OF IT

You:       Aaaaaah…. All the way in..

– Forest:    Here it cums…
– You:    Long strokes
– Forest:   Exactly

– You:    Deeply… Over and over again.. Fuck it…Fuck it…Ooooooooh Yessss….Yessss!!!!!
– Forest:     Shooting jet after hot jet of sticky sweet man milk in that asshole
– You ;      Ooooooooh yeah…Oozing out…. Warm against my leg….I love it.. I’m breathless… Ooooooooh Maaan…
– Forest:     Holy fuck you’re absolutely intoxicating
– You:     You are amazingly good
-Forest:    I love to play this game with you…
– You:    Ooooooooh??.. Kitty is happy, she seems to love you too…
– Forest:   Good!
-You:        I can’t even text.. My focus is off
– Forest:   Lol
– You:      Ooooooooh u are so good to me
– Forest:   As you are to me
– You:       I could easily become addicted to your Nine inches of pure pleasure and wanting it Over and over again….
– Forest:    Oh hell yeah…
– You:        Heyyy I know you would rather a different pic… But hopefully you won’t mind this one too much..
– You: Photos…

I decided to shift the subject a little… get away from the sexting…

I had took some birthday photos and they came out quite good… so I thought I’d share them with him.. I was looking all pretty and sexy and happy all roll in one..  I was in a very great mood today.. and I was having fun…

 

– You: My BD pictures……HAHAhaha
– Forest: I fucking love it!

– You:       It’s gotta be some fucking in there right
– Forest:    Mhmm….Exactly..

– You:     Maaan.. Would love to have you… Ran a marathon with me

– Forest:    I’d fuck you silly
– You:    Good god… I would be so sore and loving it…
– Forest:   Yes you would
– You:      Fuckin me silly.. Would be exactly what I want
– Forest:   I wanna be your cock toy
– You:       But you are…. My very personal sex toy…
– Forest:     Where you live again?
– You:    Much too far away forest…

Forest:     Damn…

– You:       Come on.. You can find some freaky girls nearby….
– Forest:     I seem to not be able to…

– You:       Unbelievable.. I think you are hiding yourself away… Your personal choice not to…
– Forest:     Nope.. I”m not hiding at all…

– You:    But .. If I was nearby.. I would hunt you down And jump all over your Hott and sexy ass… You wouldn’t have a choice… I wouldn’t give you one…
– Forest:   Love it… I wouldn’t need one… I would be very willing…
– You:     Yes you would… you would definitely love it… I would leave you with a huge smile on your face…
– Forest: Love that too… and you would leave walking funny..
– You:      Hahahaha… And of course.. I’d definitely be smiling tons too.. And probably limping With pleasure…Great joy… completely satisfied…

– Forest:    Lol…..God !!!!….I wanna do so many naughty things to you..
– You:        And Maaan..how I want you to….The feelings quite mutual…
– Forest:    Good!
– You:     With you… All my senses are heightened… And come alive…
– Forest:    God I love that…
– You:    I bet you could ignite a fire so blazing hot… And take me to heights.. I have never been..
– Forest:    I know I could…
– You:       I know it… From just the feeling you are creating within me.. Right now.. I just know you would.. Definitely.. Absolutely would…You have such a strong physical chemistry..
– Forest:    Thank you love
– You:     I actually meant energy…. But I know you understand what I’m trying to say…
– Forest:    I do…

I got a phone call an I switched over…  I decided to just leave it as is…  I didn’t intend to talk to him as long as I did… I was just in a wonderful happy mood  and I actually enjoyed our little romp and conversation…. He seems very fascinated with me and I am a bit tickled and amused with the knowledge…and I was all smiles….
****************************************

The following day he sent me a photo of some sexual nature.. I smiled and shake my head… i responded….

– You:     HAHAhaha.. Is that you.. Wow!!!
– Forest:    No lol
– Forest:     Check out this post…

he sent another one… it was steamy and hottt… and I figure he was trying to aroused me…
– You:    I love it.. I could just imagine you doing that though…but lover… I’m on the road.. Driving.. Going to have dinner with a few friends.. So sorry I can’t play now…You are so insatiable And excitable though.. Mmmmmm Mmm…
– Forest:    All good..have fun..wendy… and just so you know… you excites me and makes me insatiable…

I quickly hung up… smiling at his text… because I know how easily he can pull me in.. and I just wasn’t up to his games today….

***************************************

He posted a picture of himself the next day… and of course… as usual I place a like and made a little comment… so he responded to it…

– Forest:    Thank you for liking my post.
– You:    Every time … Forest…
– Forest:   Lol
– You:    You know I’m one of your fans… It’s not only your posts I like … Hmmm.. I’m also a big fan of your most beautiful erogenous zones… Mmmmmm…

 

He liked my comments but didn’t say nothing more… so I just take that as my cue to leave him alone…Even though I like talking to him… I was still trying to distant myself… He still has that sexual power over me… and talking to him always seems to stimulates me.. but he is only about sex and a good time… and sometimes I just need some super conversations….without the pressure of getting sexual..

My connection to him is not emotional… so I’m not attached…I tell myself I’m going to just stay away from him as much as I can….

Let’s see just how serious I am about this and just how much I can fight his temptations..

I need ten thousand angels… to help me tell him no.”

*********************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED……

ONLINE DATING: SWEET LOVER; THE RISE AND FALL OF “HELL ANGELS/FOREST ANGELS…part 4

I was thinking… after I hung up… I am not going to encourage this guy any longer…because now every time he hit me up he’s going to expect some sexual game…  and it’s not everytime I’m going be in the that kind of mood… 

I liked him but… my one night of being wild and naughty  is just one night… and I was just in the mood for some fun..i got it and now I’m over it..

An hour later,he sent me a couple of pictures of him without shirts… he has a nice chest but wasn’t chiseled or buff… and I do love a good-looking chest on my men… I was thinking I may have said something to him about my likes for him to choose to send me those shots…

I complimented him, anyways…

– Forest:     Photo
– You:        Aaaaaah forest!!!… I could love on that chest … Ooooooh Maaan…  How I love to love on a beautiful and chiseled chest …
– Forest:      Mmmmmmmm…
– You:       hoohooooo   baby… You are so beautiful… you do have a nice physique…
– Forest:    Thanks baby girl
You:    You know it forest… Are u home ???

I thought he was at home and taking pictures for me….

 

– Forest:    No baby… That was about 3 months ago
– You:    Oh okay… thanks for sharing anyways…  Still love it …
– Forest:    Check out this post! ….

He sent me a naughty video.. I just ignore it and thank him for his photos and tell him that I have to get back to work… I didn’t want to get pull in again by his sexuality… and from the video he sent… I was obvious that he was trying to get me going in that direction…

He says bye… and ended our conversation… I didn’t hear from for a couple of days and when he  try to contact me I ignored him .. I was trying to pull away from him… but he loves to post pictures of himself and humorous sexual post.. all which would appear on my news feed because I was still following him.. and of course anything sexual always pique my interest… and… Of course I would like and place a comment or two on these posts…… I love making  commenting on posts… that is my thing… it humor me and I love to get back reactions..

So  sometimes he would send a “HI” to me…  and thank me for liking his posts..We played  that game for approximately two weeks… He trying to chat and me ignoring and refusing his attempts… after  a week or so I decide to answer him.

– Forest:    Thank you for liking my post.
– You:    Hey you.. See that you are really busy..  I was  as well…that was really a funny  post though…HAHAhaha… I see just how popular you are from all the comments you got… I do understand… You are a guy of/ in great demands..
– Forest:      yes, I’m Just really busy Wendy… I really enjoyed you immensely and I have been missing you..
– You:      And I you.. Forest
– Forest:     Good!
– You:     Just dropping in to say hi.. And give you a little nudge to remember me… Just in case you had forgotten me… HAHAhaha.. I know it’s quite easy to do…
– Forest:        Bullshit!
– You:     I know u are probably very busy with work right now.. So am I actually…
– Forest:    I think of you often. But you can be a very pleasant distraction. And sometimes I need to be focused lol. But believe me I desire you…
– You:       Hey.. no worries man…all good… I actually love one night stands…
– Forest:      Lol… you’re not!
– You:        Even so forest… That’s always the best of times… To me anyways .. Enjoy your day.. I really don’t want to distract you too much… As a matter of fact.. I can’t afford to be distracted myself.. And you are definitely a big one for me.. Right now as I got u here talking to you… I’m becoming distracted .. Oh boy not so good for me.. So talk later….
– Forest:   Lol..    definitely …
– Forest: Video …
– Forest: Video…

He sent me two porn videos… some really steamy ones too… I realize he truly love these kinds of videos…  and he loves to interject them in-between our conversations…hoping to create a stir and have me all turned on.. I am not much into porn too much… they really don’t do much for me… but… I find myself liking his choices and actually gets a little aroused watching them… I didn’t want to burst his bubbles… so I responded…
– You:     Oh my goodness forest.. You are not playing fair.. You are so mean…

– Forest:    Lol…(of course he laughs enjoying knowing he has aroused me..)

And so I played his game along… just to humor him…

– You:     I can’t afford to get in this stage right now.. Ooooooh shit.. I feel like I’m gonna explode…
– Forest:    Sorry baby
– You:      Ooooooh Maaan.. You are no good
– You:    But.. Do I love it??!!!

– Forest:    Yes you do
– You:      Oh Fuck.. Yes.. I do.. I do …(I’m such an actress.. haha..)– ….Have you a most fantastic day forest… And thanks for getting me all soaking wet.. And a badly twitching kitty …
– Forest:      I love-making you wet… Most welcome …
– You:          (I was smiling … knowing his exact intentions)  But Maaan.. It’s such an awesome feeling ….
– Forest:     Mmmmmmm

You: Audio Message:

I was just being a naughty girl … trying to get him back by sending him a voice message of pretending to be aroused and enjoying myself telling him how much I want him and is so hottt and wett for him…

– You: Later forest
– Forest: Omdg!!!!Killin me!
– You:    (Liked Forest message)… You are the one killing me with those videos….All good though… Love them… They made my day….. Now all I have to do.. Is not get caught sneaking a peek.. Ever so often…. I love watching you.. I do….HAHAhaha
– Forest: Mmmmmmm….Thank you for liking my post.
– Forest: Video ”

He sent another three or four videos… I realize I was actually encouraging him with my playing along… I really want him to go…

 
– You:     Ooh my… !!! Ooooh my…!!!

– Forest: Video

– Forest: video.
– Forest: video

He sent a couple more… I just decided to not comment this time…and i didn’t …and stop the conversation… He is heavily in porns… I have noticed that even the ones with him… he is always  watching porns…
*****************************************************************************
– Forest: Morning gorgeous…

He try again one morning… I didn’t acknowledge him…I wasn’t in the mood for his game today…
*******************************************************
– You:    Hey forest… It’s Friday night… What are you up to…. Anything fun??   I guess you probably have daddy duties about right now… Just passing through.. Stopping by… Saying… Heyyy!!!! You!!!!

I tried to connect with him friday night.. I was up and was in one of my moods…. but to my disappointment he didn’t respond… ooohh well… I figure he was busy with someone else… So I just leave him alone…
****************************************************************

It was now valentine’s day… so I send out a Valentine’s greeting to him..

– You: HAPPY HAPPY VALENTINES DAY FOREST!!!! LOTS And LOTS OF VALENTINES SEX.. Enjoy your day to the fullest..

I sent it to him in the morning… I didn’t get a response until evening… but the way and what he text… annoys me a little…It was Valentines Day.. and I want some affection and some sweet convos… so when I saw his text.. I was just shake my head and said… “not today lover… and didn’t respond…

This is what he said…
– Forest:    Fuckin suck this big fuck meat baby girl…

Even virtually… that to me is not acceptable…I guess he was  thinking it was sexy and hott.. and just the thought of his “fuck meat” was enough to turn me on..  I didn’t make a comment or even bother to say anything about it… he was not worth my efforts… and it’s not like we have an emotional connection…

YOU LAY DOWN WITH DOGS… YOU GET UP WITH FLEAS…

***************************++++++++++++++***********************

TO BE CONTINUED…..

ONLINE DATING: SWEET LOVER: THE RISE AND FALL OF “HELL ANGELS/FOREST ANGELS… part 3

…….We continued to play for some more… I was really feeling for more…

– Forest: I’m fucking ravenous…

-ME:     maan, so am I forest.. let’s do this..

-Forest:    Show me more…

I sent him all of my best assets…  (my boobs; my legs; my butt; covered…) I know just how beautiful they are and I was very proud of my beautiful body… almost flawless..and I’m in one hellava mood tonight.. and to be truthful I have no intention of playing with this guy again…. just like a one night stand…

– Forest: Get fucking naked …I wanna see that ass…

-ME:   My ass is not pretty.. I don’t show my bare ass.. The only place on me I don’t show..  But that’s all the show for today…

I have a few little dimples on my rare area from cellulitis… I guess I have to cut back on my sugar intake… but  I get so self-conscious developing these dimples after having such an almost perfect butt  before…. I told him I never show so much before and that he must be extra special…and make the comment…that he don’t really need it…I was very conscious of his status and know this is only a game for him for some sexual gratification… I also knew he has one thousand other girls playing with… this is just for my needs… and as long as it benefits me and make me happy… it’s all good… and I have had my fun..I honestly enjoyed the intense stimulation he gives…

– Forest: Omg.. ok…I must…I’m here, aren’t I??? I most definitely do…need this..
-You:    You must have plenty better ones..I’m sure, considering your enormous fan club…

– Forest:   Nope… Don’t assume…
– You:    But I don’t care, really… I’m not really competing.. I’m just  here enjoying you..

– Forest: I’m your cock toy …

– You:      Ooooooh yeah??? And I came really good so I’m liking my sex toy ..  smiling huge ..
– Forest:     I’m gonna cum again..

i thought I would indulge and oblige him  some more… he share a few more videos and I return the favor one more time… we sext some more and we both experience another dose of volcanic eruption…I was shocked that I was that much stimulated  to be be able to have this much multi-orgasm…from just sexting with someone…never realize I could feel this way and get such intense sexual energy  with just a connection online…

We were conversing  causally and all of a sudden he was not responding.. I thought he must have dose off… so I asked…

– You:” You are gone?” I guess you feel asleep… Ooooooh Maaan!!!… Ok forest.. I guess you have had enough of me for one night…
Forest:      Nope.. just have a young son
– You:   I know that…and it’s late… But I still think you might have enough of me at one time…
– Forest:   Impossible!!!!!!
– You:     HAhAhaha !!!!(I find his comment humorous…. I felt really tickled with that thought..) I see that you are a marathon runner like me ..
– Forest:    Yes… I literally cum at LEAST 4 times a day
– You: Really!??

We talked for another five or so minutes casually.. he said he had to go to sleep for work… but inform me that he is still revisiting my videos… but I was doing the same with his.. so I understands…

You: Ooooooh okay …. Hahahaha… be careful forest…You could get me hooked….
– Forest: that would be Good Wendy….
– You: That’s not so good  actually…
– Forest: Why???

– You:      Because… Now I will be for craving more of you… and your availability might be open to my demands..
Forest:    I’m at your service …
– You:      But I have enjoyed you tremendously …..well we will see about that..

– Forest:   Ahhh ok… Rest easy lil lady …. shuuuuuu…

– You:    What time do you work

– Forest:   5
You:    Oh my.. Goodnight night forest … You need your sleep for work tomorrow … Thanks for the entertainment.. Until next time… Sweet dreams..
– Forest:    Goodnight  Wendy….
– You:   Smiling tons.
– Forest: Love it !!!

 

I WAS LYING THERE STILL TRYING TO CALM DOWN FROM OUR LITTLE SESSIONS AND WAS SMILING THINKING HOW MUCH I HAD ENJOYED IT.. AND HOW FAR HE ACTUALLY GOT ME TO GO… I WAS NOT FEELING TOO BAD ABOUT DOING IT BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY, I HAD NO INTENTION OF CONTACTING HIM AGAIN… AND I GOT SOME FUN AND A BIG SEXUAL GRATIFICATION AND SATISFACTION FROM IT…I WAS STILL AMAZED HOW MUCH HIS LITTLE GAME OF SEXUAL SEXTING  STIMULATED ME TO THAT EXTREME HEIGHT… WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT… AND IT EXCITES ME TO KNOW I COULD HAVE SOME SEXUAL FUN THIS WAY….THIS IS GOING TO BE A NEWLY FOUNDED HOBBY FOR ME … I COULD TELL….

I LIE THERE THINKING OF THE EXPERIENCE OF HIM.. AND FEELING SO HAPPILY CONTENTED AND FULLY SATISFIED… SMILING AND STILL FINDING IT SO UNBELIEVABLE…   An HOUR HAVE PASSED AND TO MY SURPRISE, I GOT A TEXT FROM HIM…

Forest:    got you on my mind…

– You: HAhAhaha.. Really forest, I’m so flattered.. I’m kinda thinking about you too.. Actually…
– Forest:       Watching your video again…

– You:          Awwww!!!! and Why aren’t you sleeping…
– Forest:      Cause, I’m stroking my cock for you…
– You:        Ooooooh my!!! that must be sore n by now, but…I love it…
– Forest:    Video…

he sent me a video showing me exactly how he was feeling and what state he was in…
– Forest: I’m swollen with lust
– You: Oh Jesus.. That’s definitely beauty… Wow!! You know I did cum twice again watching your videos too…

– Forest: C’mon… you didn’t…
– You: Seriously… that’s how much you affected me lover…
– Forest: Cum with me… now…. Yes?????
– You: I’m all cum out. Maaan I don’t think I have anymore left in me… It’s been a long time since I cum this much in one night.  I just lay here and I rub myself silly…
– Forest:     Well I’m gonna… Exactly wendy… keep rubbing her… While I stroke this fuck meat…with you in mind…
– You:        I guess You want me to help you along??…God damn it.. Kitty is jumping, Begging to play … again… You are so bad… And I want to join you… I’m stroking her now…
– Forest:     Yes?? is that right?   Good girl!

So we start again and again reached our peak of ecstasy… maan I was so worn out and I was ready to sleep.. I really was liking this guy and his powerful sexual energy…

– You: Aaaaaah…Aaaaaah Aaaaaah ….Oh my.. Good God …I’m trembling … Mmmmm !!!! Would you believe I cum again…  Unbelievable …
– You:       Can you sleep now .????
– Forest:    You are a fucking goddess!
– You: Really ??? you think??
– Forest: I think I just might be able to sleep now… hopefully… Yes… You are absofuckinlutly a goddess!!!!
– You:      Oh good to know forest… smiling tons… Thank you for that sweet compliment…I never knew I still have it in me to cum so much in one day.. It’s been a while since I’ve done that … You do bring out the best in me ….
– Forest:     I mean it  Wendy… You are fucking intoxicating…
You:      Still Smiling tons.. Good night.. Sleep well.
– Forest:    You as well ..
– You:    Ooooooh… and thank you for one awesome night… I’m fully satiated….                     -forest:   I’m happy to oblige… and thank you as well my sex Goddess..

I smile very tickled with his nick names for me… never knew I had it in me to be so erotic virtually… and I drifted off to sleep thinking it’s was a sensational experience of a one night stand for me..

*******************+++++++++++++++++****************************

– Forest: Morning gorgeous
– You:  Forest!!!!!Heyyy sexy guy

 

I was not expecting to hear from him … at least this soon anyways…
– Forest: How you doin?
– You: Great… I’m so full of energy this morning..
– Forest: You working?  Yes!?? is that so.???
– You: Sex and cumin always do that for me… I’m Having coffee…
– Forest: I can’t get you off my mind
– You: Ooooooh really ??? Mmmm…. I must have made quite the impression..Wow!!! I’m damn good…
– Forest: Cock getting hard just thinking  of you…. Lol…you sure did  and you are damn good…
– You: Oh my!!!

– Forest: Mhmm
– You:    Kitty really enjoyed you too..
– Forest:    I fucking love your kitty

– You:       She’s here getting all excited talking to you…

– Forest: Oh really?
– You: Yeah… Crazy eh!?? I guess you also left an impression on kitty…

I was honestly getting a stir.. thinking of our highly stimulating encounters last night…
– Forest:    Nope… not crazy… Sexy though… Where are you?
– You:        So I guess I’m not the only one that was damn good..
– Forest:    Lol
– You:       I’m on the computer working on something.

– Forest:     At home?
– You:      Nope..
– Forest:   Damn…

I had the feeling he want to play…but I really didn’t want to take the time to and I know he would be expecting more pictures and maybe videos which I really don’t want to do again… That was a one night, one time thing… so I asked…
– You:    Aren’t you at work…
– Forest:    I am but I work alone…
– You:        Oookay

– Forest:     In my work truck thinking about stroking…
– You:       Ooooooh Shit ??? Yeah?.. are you being serious right now..??
– Forest:   Mhmm… yess… I’m being very serious…

I was kinda tickled and turned on at the same time…this guy is plain crazy.. I was laughing finding it so amusing but couldn’t denied the effect it was having on me and that I was getting aroused  visualizing him in that truck in the open.. I was just as crazy… I supposed.. and he is pulling me in again…
– You:     Kitty is going kinda wild.. just thinking about that scenario…
– Forest:     Are you able to do anything about it?
– You:     not right now.. I need to finish this… Maybe later… but.. Ooooooh Maaan… The effects you cause and have on my kitty…
– Forest:     Ok baby… I’m at your service… always.

– You: I’m here shaking my legs wanting so much to pet her..

I was trying to declined his offer to play but I was finding it so hard to resist the strong urge and reaction he was creating with kitty…
– Forest:      Fuck Wendy!!! do something to please her…
– You:           She is begging for some play time… It’s that glorious nine inches on her mind..
– Forest:      I wanna cum for you.. Ramming in an out in an out..
– Forest:     Swollen…. Pulsating…. Throbbing…
-You:     Oh shiiiiiit… forest..please Stop…. You are not helping… OMG!!!!  she is going to cum right here…
– Forest:       Ok ok… but wendy… Fuck I’m so fucking horny for you…
– Forest:      Do it!!!!I dare you….
– You:          She’s pulsating so hard….I’m not alone.. I can be seen…
– You:          Good god man forest… You really have me going… I want you so baaad…
– Forest:       I’m this close to lubing this man meat…

– You:        I want to feel all of that sweet nine inches inside  kitty now… You should see my face… It’s so obvious with what I’m feeling…
– Forest:    Fuck .. really??? show me??? let’s  bury it… I would Leave it buried and start to pulse and throb deep inside you…
– You:       I think it’s so obvious; I’m having a hard time hiding my pleasure… I’m laughing to myself…and everyone is starting to stare at me…
– Forest:     Lol… Precum oozing from the tip of my cock..As I make my cock pulsate inside you…
– You:        Kitty want to cum too… Ooooooh shit..
– Forest:     Mmmmmmmm….I wanna make her gush…
– You:       I touched her through the fabric.. And Ooooooh my god…She loves it…. I want to caress her so badly…
– Forest:    Oh fuck yes… Go to the bathroom.

I obeyed and make my way to the restroom.. I had to make her explode and gushed with this build-ed up cum.. I couldn’t hold it in any longer…
– You:    My eyes closed… I’m seeing that beautiful nine inches… Hard… Stiff… throbbing…
– Forest:     Mmmmmmmm

– You:        Slowly working its way inside… Ooooooh my goodness… feels so goooood..!!!!
– Forest:     Feeding you every rock hard inch … Feel me stuff you full…
– You:          Inches by inches…. Ooooooh yeah.
– Forest:    Ok I’m getting him out..
– You:    You are steadily thrusting…I’m kneeling down

– Forest:    Yessssss!!!!
– You:       You are behind me…I’m on the chair…Butt out….
– Forest:    Offer me your kitty like a good girl…
-You:          Ooooooh yeah…Your hand on my shoulders… One on my ass… You are pushing… Thrusting..  let me have it.!!!.

– Forest:      yess… every inch… Let me bury this hard veiny cock in that juicy oozing wett kitten…
– You: I turn around to look at you… You are busily humping…
– Forest: Yesssssss…
You: Harder.. Please…please Fuck me harder… I pleaded.,,Oh yeah .. yeah ..I love your beautiful cock…

– Forest:     You want it????

– Forest:     Video …

He sent me a video of him in his truck.. jerking vigorously away…
– You:    Feeling so damn good…
– Forest:    Reach back and pull your ass cheeks open wide for me..
– You: I’m pulling it wide…
– Forest:     Good girl!
– You:         Heisting my ass…Moving with you… Reached for your balls..
– Forest:     Yesssssss

– You:        Ooooooh shiiiiiit… You are so bad… but great for me…
– Forest:    You get my video?  I love it…
– You: I did.. I did… I love it Maaan…

-Forest:    Omg!!!! that was awesome… you are so amazing….  I gotta clean up … Lol…
– You:        That nine inches is just wonderful .
– Forest:    My cock loves you… that’s for sure..whewww!!!
– You:      Ookay?? feeling is very mutual forest… because kitty is truly happy .. Let me get clean up too… And get back…
– Forest:        Ok baby Ttys (talk to you soon)
– You:            And kitty sure loves you…
– Forest:        Mmmmmmmmm!!!!
– You:           Talk later forest.
– Forest:        Yes we will.

AND I HUNG UP… REALIZING JUST HOW EASY IT IS FOR HIM TO PULL ME INTO HIS GAME OF SEXUAL PLAY… I WAS AMUSED THAT HE LIKES MY LITTLE PLAY ALONG SO MUCH THAT HE’S SEEKING ME OUT TO PLAY.. AND I’M GENUINELY GAMED AND ACTUALLY LOVING MY TIMES WITH HIM… SO FAR..

***********************++++++++++++++++****************

TO BE CONTINUED….

ONLINE DATING: SWEET LOVER: THE RISE AND FALL OF “HELL ANGELS/FOREST ANGELS… part 2

THIS IS X-RATED… AND MIGHT NOT BE AS TASTEFUL TO SOME OF MY AUDIENCE…BUT IT IS A BUILD UP TO THE REAL STORY OF “THE FORMING OF THE ANGELS”…. THAT  CREATES AND BECOMES A MOST BEAUTIFUL BOND OF FRIENDSHIP EVER MADE..
****************************************************************************
I was enjoying our little conversation… and I was in the mood for talking and having some fun.. and I find that I do like this guy ….
– Forest : Thank you for liking my post.
– You:   You are welcome forest
– Forest:   So what are you doing right now?
– You:    I was doing some light exercise
– Forest:   Oh yeah? ….Like?

– You:   Making sure to stay flexible in case I get lucky …. Stretching
– Forest:    Holy fuck … Lol … Good girl
– You   : Maaan it would sucks if I do, and I can’t keep up
– Forest:    I know right!
– You:      So I tried to maintain my flexibility
– Forest:   Good
– Forest:    I like flexible
– You:      Of course you do … you are an Irish ….
– Forest:    Allows for deeper penetration
– You:        Ooooooh yeah!!!!
– Forest:     Deeeeep
– You:         The deeper the better
I realized he was pulling me in the direction I wasn’t intended to go, but I was gamed and I was feeling drawn to him and I actually was feeling  a little wild and crazy tonight…I’m in the mood for some fun tonight…. Kitty was starting to react to his suggestions and I was thinking so what, after tonight, I might not even talk to him again, a guy with 1000 girls is not going to remember me or have time for me. I may hate myself in the morning; but I’m going to have fun with him tonight.. and it’s all but an innocent game of fun…

– Forest: Mmmmmmmmmm fuck yes!
I realised that F*** word was a part of his vocabulary and is used quite frequently…but who am I to judge…. I do have a filthy mouth myself…  so I don’t mind his language…

– You:     And with your nine inches… Mmmmm
– Forest:   I like tickling cervix lol
– You:     mine need tickling … mmmm…
– Forest:   Stuff you so full Wendy
– You:   Whoaaaa!!! fill me up forest…
– Forest: i would love to tickle yours wendy..
– You:    Mmmmm mmmm…. I love it stuffed And pounded….
– Forest:   Pin your legs up high and bury every fucking veiny rock hard inch of my cock into your creamy kitty….
– You:    oooh yeah every last inch… Hard deep and fast
– Forest:     Then pull out slowly so you can see just how much dick you’re taking…
I realize that I was encouraging his sexual convo… but as I said, I was in a little naughty and mischievous mood… and I feel the rising of my desires as I read his sexual descriptions and find I was actually enjoying the feelings… of getting all turned on..

– Forest: I’m getting aroused
– You: mmmm… so am I forest… and How do you know her name is kitty ???
– Forest: Lol.
– You: Kitty is loving the attention ….
– Forest: Rubbing my cock through my jammies right now…

I was getting aroused too.. surprisingly… I don’t normally feel this sexual connection so quickly with anyone… but I’m liking it and I’m gonna enjoy him and this feeling for now…

– You : Ooooooh shiiiiiit …yess forest , take it out … I can feel you pulling it all the way out.. And slowly putting it all the way in… Ooooooh boy…

– Forest: I love long dickin….At first.
– You: You have me visualizing and loving what I’m seeing…
– Forest: Then you get pounded
– You:      yeah …don’t stop…
– Forest:   Cock just a blur as it rams in an out in an out … Balls slapping against your ass as I pound you vigorously …
– You:     hhhooo Yessss …That’s how I love it .. While I hold on to your ass and pull you in.. With each thrust you make…
I was playing along with him and enjoying his sexual game… by now was so hott and wett and I had to oblige kitty and give her what she was begging for…

– Forest:   Oh fuck yes …Be greedy … Take it all Wendy …
You:    give it all forest….I’ll even slap your sexy ass.. making you dive in deeper with the pleasurable sensation…. I’m very greedy…
– Forest:    I fucking love that!!!!!!
– You:     I like it nuff and hard….
– Forest:    You like to be tied up? Choked????
– You:     I  put my feet on your shoulders and heist my hips so high to meet each and every thrust you give..

– Forest: Yessssss!!!!!

– You:    Choked..Hell Noooo…. Tied up.. Maybe …
– Forest:    Ok…..Just fucked silly?
– You:     Are you a sadist

I had to ask… not that it matter really.. this only virtually.. and playing along is easy… I can be anyone and do anything just to turn on his sweet sexy ass… even though in reality I would not…I love this game of erotic fantasy…

– Forest: Nope…..But when it comes to sex I’m open…
– You:     Ooooooh good… I don’t like pain…And I don’t like to be humiliated …
– Forest:   Then you will experience only pleasure
– You:      I’m all about pleasure … Passionate pleasure… So do you get freaky too ????
– Forest:     I do.
– You:      kinky ???
– Forest :   I do….but No feet… Lol..

– You:    What kind of  freakyness are you into?..I have never done feet… Never have anyone who does feet either …
– Forest: Forget freaky… Let’s keep fucking….
I had to laugh..oh my goodness , I was actually enjoying him, and I was having fun and smiling and kitty was jumping for some playtime.. It’s been a while since I got this sexual energy from anyone. And he is so good at playing.. I don’t want to stop..
– You:     HAhAhaha ….. Ok lover let’s keep on fucking…even though  I didn’t realize that we were …
– Forest:      Lol… I fucking dig you!!!!

I was really pleased that he was enjoying my little play along…. and it encourages me even more and is really a big turn on for me… it was boosting my ego… i started to feel a surge of confidence…
– You:     So we changed positions …. You want me reverse cowgirl …Or doggy????
– Forest:     Absolutely …Both..
-Forest:      Hold that thought …Fuck…!!!!! I’m hard as fuck….
He seems to leave for a while… tending to his bay I assume… so I thought I would use the opportunity to write out a scenario in his absence…  riding him cowgirl style…

– You:      Maaan Im about to ride you like a horse… I got on… Reverse cowgirl…  I eased my wett slippery kitty over your hard eager throbbing cock…You grab hold of my hips..  helping me slowly  Getting it all the way in..  inch by inch… And and then the ride begins… You give each of my ass cheek a stinging slap… i jerk with each slap as kitty  clenched  with stimulating pleasure gripping your cock  tightly as it goes deeper in.. I reached between your legs and slightly squeeze your nuts .. Between my fingers…. Touching that area between your ass and your balls…My fingers find and explore your asshole.. As I slowly fingers the outside.. Waiting for your invite to let me know you like it.. you didn’t so….. I moved back to your balls.. And squeeze  and roll them between my fingers as I continue to  hump your hard juicy cock…. . You moans gently …. And bucking your hips upwards to meet each of my thrusts as I ride that rock hard cock… your hands on my hips pulling me in closer and out farther..

– Forest:     Holy fuck I love you !!!!!
He came back on…. and I was so pleased with his reaction to my scenario.. I was smiling huge and kitty was pulsating with my  vivid visualization…

– You:    Kitty is clenching.. Wildly … About to explode with her cum
– Forest:   Glaze me ….
– You:    I leaned back onto your chest… My hands reached over my head and encircled your neck… You reached around, start to rub my clit.. And Maaan… with one touch from your fingers.. I cum with such a force that shudder my whole body ….I squealed out in  pure ecstasy… Yeeeaah!!! Ooooooh yeah !!! I keep on hunching as kitty vibrate and twitching violently as she oozes her juices glazing you and trying to get off another one… with the sweet sensation of cummin…..I feel the swelling of your cock getting ready to fill me with spunk.. as you glide in and out all slippery from my juices…
– Forest: Cock stiffens as the cum builds …
– You: And I slow down some… Giving you the control and the  access to cum..
– Forest: Video

He sent me two videos of him jerking that hard cock… not many men know how to give a good jerk show.. but he definitely does… I truly enjoyed those videos..

When I saw his cock, I got so excited, he has one of the most beautiful cock I have seen; aaaah I watch it twice and kitty was ready to cum again. Oooh my goodness, he was glorious!!!!

– You: Ohh yeah.. forest… I truly love it!!!!
– Forest: You are absolutely delicious…

Another compliment from him… I smiled… feeling good about me and thinking…. I’m damn goood……
– You:   Ooooooh Maaan. That’s a really beautiful dick…. I love it …God .. I could have some really great fun with that … I feel like tasting it… and put it all the way down my throat…
I was really impressed with his videos and his beautiful man meat.. Maybe because I was so damn hott for him… and kitty was controlling my mind.. and I wanted to return his compliment..

– Forest: Good… please tell me you’re fucking yourself right now

– You:       Of course I am
– Forest:    Wendy… show me????

– You: I just knew you’d asked.. But I don’t do that…..

– Forest: Video….
He sent another video of him ejaculating… it was awesome to watch.. he came with just force..it spew across the room.. and he kept on coming….and the sounds he makes was such a turn on.. I was so amazed and surprised at myself for deriving so much pleasure from his videos… but I did…
– Forest: Wendy… We are way past being shy or self-conscious …..
I know he was absolutely right…
2016 01 28 21:42:17.723 – You: Maaan.. Just wait for it….
I was really enjoying him and I was all into it, and I was thinking why not go with it, let him see exactly how he is affecting miss kitty. So I boldly made a video of me rubbing  and playing with her. I have never done this before, but I wanted to. I have cum so many times, I was soaking wet. I was so damn hottt for him…

– Forest:     Make me cum again you glorious lil vixen ..Cmon baby Make me shoot my cum for you….

– You: Video …
So I boldly sent him the video… but was feeling so self-conscious and blushing… good thing he couldn’t see my reaction …

– You:    hope you like her….
– Forest:    Omg you’re drenched …. I fucking love it…
I was smiling so huge. So glad that he likes what he is seeing. I was so nervous that it would be so gross; and that he would think I was sleazy.. But he said he loves it… and I anted to believe him..

– You:     I thought you’d think that’s so gross… Good ..you like her….. Kitty love to be loved
– Forest:   You ready for some cum ..????
– You:       Ooooooh yeah !!!!
– Forest:    Where you want it ???
– You:    I came so hard watching that beautiful cock of yours …… I don’t care …..Just give it to me forest …
– Forest: Ok… here it cums !!!!
– You: Man oh man !!! I’m so excited…
And I truly was. I was really having a good time with this guy forest; maan, he was good and I have never been this far this quick with anyone before, but something about him???? He got this strong, intense and passionate sexual energy. And ooh my god!!!! I made a video for him… shiiiit!!! I’m really evolving … Still couldn’t believe I had the nerve to do that….

-Forest: video..
He sent me another video and he came even harder than before..I was in awe of this guy and love to see just how much he have been enjoying my presence and my video… I was really pleased to see how much I have affected him in the same way he had affected me…. we were in sync

– You: Ooooooh Maaan. You came so hard.. I love it …Where did you put it ??? On my belly? On my back? On my face????
– Forest:     Again again again… Pumped your pussy full of hot cum …
– You:     mmmm… that’s work for me….
– Forest:     Cum oozing out the sides of my cock as I continue to fuck you silly ….
– You:       WowHeyyyy.!!! Beautiful ….Mmmmm… keep on fucking me silly… I want more….
– Forest:      Do you need a break?
– You:    A break??? Nah… just Fuck me silly … I’m just starting … I’m really Hott now… and ready for some more…

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TO BE CONTINUED….

ONLINE DATING: SWEET LOVER: THE RISE AND FALL OF “HELL ANGELS/FOREST ANGELS..”

INTRODUCTION:

T’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE FOREST ANGELS HAS BEEN DISSIPATED; AAAAAHH!!! FOREST…. HE IS JUST A CONNECTION ON TANGO THAT I CAME ACROSS AND LIKED, HE WAS HUMOROUS AND VERY SEXUAL, AND ANYTHING SEXUAL ALWAYS INTRIGUES AND FASCINATES ME.
YES. I’M MISSING HIS PRESENCE AND OUR PLAYTIME..BUT EVERYTHING HAS IT’S TIME AND HE DECIDED TO STOP COMMUNICATING AND CONNECTING WITH ME ABOUT AFTER A WEEK OF COMING BACK OFF SUSPENSION FROM TANGO; THEY HAD SUSPENDED HIS ACCOUNT FOR A WEEK OR SO…. I DO MISS HIM AND IT MAKES ME REALIZED JUST HOW ATTACHED AND ADDICTED I HAVE BECOME TO HIM. (WELL… US ANGELS.. THEY ARE FOUR OF US ANGELS…. BUT WE WILL COME TO THAT STORY SOON ENOUGH.)
I WAS HAVING THE FEELINGS OF REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT, AND I WAS REALLY HURT WITH IS ACTIONS..
I HAD THOUGHT HE LIKES ME, AND I WANTED HIM TO; I KNOW HE WAS NOT THE TYPE TO FALL IN LOVE OR PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP; AND QUITE FRANKLY I WASN’T LOOKING FOR ONE…IT WAS MERELY THE FASCINATION OF AN EROTIC GAME AND THE EXTREME PLEASURE I WAS DERIVING FROM IT…
SO HERE I AM ARE TODAY, KINDA ACCEPTING HIS SCORN AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIS REASONS; IT SHOULDN’T REALLY MATTER TO ME, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST FOR FUN AND ABOUT HAVING A GOOD TIME. I AM CONVINCING MYSELF TO STOP WITH THIS UNNECESSARY EMOTIONS AND TAKE IT FOR EXACTLY WHAT IS WAS. AND I HAVE.
I HAVE FULLY ENJOYED HIM AND IS HAPPY FOR GETTING THE CHANCE TO SHARE THAT TIME WITH HIM AND THE ANGELS…IT’S NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT, AND NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT.
MY ONLY DESIRE IS TO KNOW HIS REASONS BEHIND HIS ACTIONS… WHICH I HAVE A VERY GOOD IDEA… BUT JUST WANTED A CONFIRMATION…
HOW DID THIS GET ALL STARTED???

CHAPTER ONE

I have been a tango member for little over a year, and I’m home for three months,  after stopped working…so I’m pretty bored and I have lost most of my connections.
So the end of January I decided to search for some new connections. So I browse and I came across forest and I kinda like his looks so, I went on his profile page to look around. I was pleased that his was open and I was able to browse around. First thing I noticed was that he has 1000  following and about the same in followers. I say to myself. He is very popular one. So I started to scrolled around his page and noticed that he was also very sexual and he was a bragger about just what he got. I went ahead and like the more humorous ones and leave my comments on a few…in a very contradicting and humorous manner… One thing for sure was that he was full of humor, and he has a few really nice looking photo of himself.
And I just love to go on posts and make comments to get a reaction, which most times humor me. I didn’t send a request for friendship…I didn’t see the the sense to…
A little while after; to my surprise…he sent me a text; with a thousand plus follows … I was sure he would have been much too busy …. but I smile, a little pleased and welcome the chance of conversation..
– Forest: I am following you on Tango
– Forest: Hi there….
oooh let’s see what he’s about…

– ME: I am following you back
– Hi forest.. I guess I just became your latest fan… HahahahHaha
–  You are hilariously funny.. I like it.. I love to laugh…
Laughing right now.. Actually…
I was still laughing at some of his silly humorous posts…

– Forest:   Good! I love to laugh as well! Fills the soul!
– ME:    Ooooooh yeah …… So where are you located ???
– Forest:    Austin Texas….. How about yourself?
– ME:         Ooooooh my!!! Texas.. I do love a Texan… All big things is from Texas.. Right 😊???
…. I’m in Florida.

– forest:    Yes ma’am
– You:      HahahahHaha
– Forest:     Lol… Do you have a picture of yourself?
– You:        And you surely made it known ….. Sure I do…
– Forest:     Hahahaha! …… I guess I have huh.

– You: Yep …..One question though… Why do a guy like you.. Need to masturbate… To prove immortality????
I thought I’d asked the question; he doesn’t seems like the kind of guy who would be short of girls, and need to be masturbating for pleasure.. There was a post on his page about masturbating and increasing life expectancy by 20%.. And states…. if that’s the case, he is immortal.
I had commented… and laugh.. And stated I too masturbated twice a day maybe three…and if I’m really horny, a. few more times.. Immortality ???? You know it. (I was trying to be funny)… So I was kinda curious as to why?
– Forest:      Well when you got it… Lol… I’m a single father of a 1yr old son so I don’t get out much these days.
– You:         With that huge fan club you have going.. You have a wide pick of choices
Ooooooh… That’s so sad… with such a highly sexual demand… that must be so hard..
What happened. .. She died 😔?????
– Forest:       No lol… you’re funny. And um I don’t have a fan club.. some are actual friends lol
– You:            That’s a really big job you got there though?
I was referring to his caring for a baby by himself.. I was really curious as to why he was left in charge but I thought it was way too personal and too soon to ask…

– Forest: I fucking love it
– You: I was just thinking.. I can’t see any woman  walking away from you 😃… I bet you are too.. Aaaaaah !!!!! It’s one of life’s greatest joy..

– Forest: Truly… I like you already !!!!!!
– You: Whhhhoooo
I was trying to say, ‘hhhooooo’… in liking his comment… haha!!!!

– Forest:       You
– You:           Maaan.. I would love to be liked by you
– Forest:      May I see you?
– You:         Aaaaaah man …. Okay… I guess I shouldn’t hide..

– Forest:      No you shouldn’t .

– You:      I can’t change me – I decided to send him a few photos of me..(first picture)… That me now …
– (second picture) That me yesterday -(third picture) And that’s me in October last year.. With my brother – I know… Not much to me ….
I was working on taking some good photos of myself in the last year and I have succeed in getting some really half decent looking ones of me… I’m really a pretty girl but not a photogenic one.. pictures don’t do me much justice… and I’m far from been glamorous anymore…

– Forest: You are beautiful!!!!!
– You: Just an Indian/ Chinese girl from Jamaica …..Ooooooh thank you forest !!!!!! (i was smiling very pleased with his comments…)

– Forest:    Wow!!!!
I was even more pleased with his reaction… I was feeling so good that he likes me…. and my photos…
– You: So how’s your baby. Is he walking
– Forest: Yes he is
– Forest: But honestly I’d rather not talk about him just yet…
– You: Okay …. Fine…
I wanted to make casual conversation and I thought his baby was a good subject; but he blew that away. I smile to myself and said, ‘oooh okay now’.

– Forest:     Don’t be upset ….Please???
– You:         Ok let’s focus on you then …. I’m not upset forest… So tell me about Forest???

– Forest:     Lol ok…..I’m 41… 6’2… 225lbs ….

– You:    Sweet!!!!
He was sounding really good to me … his height; his age; just my kind of preferences… and he has more for me… haha…

– Forest:       Pool and spa business …… 9 inches of rock solid fuck meat !!!!!
– You:           Ooooooh my goodness!!!!! and you are so very proud of your MEAT????? eehh?

– Forest:       I’m an absolute sexual beast… But all I do these days is work, be a daddy, and stroke this big dick quite often….

Hmmm??? I was shaking my head and I was smiling at the way he describe himself and he feels he have to include his junk in it and his sexuality.. I didn’t mind too much though, I find humor in it. And makes me very curious to find out if he could live up to his self praise.. Then he asked.. as if reading my mind… Haha…

– Forest:      Wanna see what all the hubbub is about?

– You:           hahahaha….. But I actually go for personality first ….. Nah.. Too soon….
– Forest:       Fair enough.

– You:          I know that you are just here for some good times… But i would like to know you a little first.
– Forest:     Of course.

– You:        You are quite an interesting guy so far…Very intriguing and fascinating …And you are Irish… I was married to an Irish from Mississippi …So I think I’m really gonna like you…

– Forest:     Really? … Give me a minute Wendy daddy duty..

– You:    And yes he was pretty gifted too.. Ok .. Please go ahead…
He liked my comment….. I really thought he just wanted to go …so he can go to talking to one of his thousand of girls… and he lost interest in our conversation because I declined his offer to be sexual…. I kinda liked him but I was convinced and very aware that he was too much of a player for me. I didn’t quite expected him to return.
So I got up do a few stretches, and a little walking exercise. Sat down again and continue browsing through tango again trying to see who else I could come up with to entertain me with some conversations… and then a text came through from him;
Ooohhh really??? he actually came back… what do you know.. I was a little surprised but a little pleased too… I wanted to learned a little more about him… I was a little intrigued and was in a little mischeivous mood….

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TO BE CONTINUED…….

MY FLIGHT DATE: Cedar Cove…

CEDAR COVE…..

Taken by ALLEN.. while flying over..


As we fly over he was talking to me.. but I was in awe of the little island in sight 🌴.. so full of excitement.. couldn’t wait to get down there.. 
The engine of the plane ✈️ drowns out his voice.. I look over at him…I’m smiling so widely..he looked over at me.. smile. Chuckles a little in amusement to my look of excitement.. As he starts to to dive downward for landing .. I gave out a little scream … in eager anticipation…  he laughs out loudly.. holding his head back as he laugh so amused as he watched me.. 

he reached over.. with the back of his palm…placed it on my cheek and gently and lovingly caress it…I unconsciously leaned onto his hand…closed my eyes for a moment.. enjoying his gesture….and felt a surge of the sweetest sensation rushing through me.. 

I turned looking at him and smile shyly …. blushing 😊 . he pulled his hands away as quickly  as he put it there to take hold of the controls for landing…  

I as quickly recover from his touch as we start to hit ground and a new wave of excitement took over.. we’re here.. I  giggled  joyously..

I just couldn’t wait to get out. I was squirming in my seat .. so filled with the excitement of finally having the chance to be here….

He got out… and held my hand as he gently help me out..  another wave of emotional sensation hit me at the touch of his hand.. 

He climbed back in to retrieve a bag and a basket… as I busily take in my new surroundings with a permanent smile… and a surplus of super excitement and elation….

He came back out .. secured the doors.. and started to walk forward.. he beckons me with his head.. as he said.. “come on sweet girl “.. I scurried after him.. 

As I watched him from behind.. his quick strides.. his board shoulders.. his strong legs..I was caught up in a feeling of desires and I was thinking how lucky I was to be here with him.. 

He jerk Me from my thoughts.. as he looked over his shoulders and asked.. “are you coming?”.. 

I ran up to him.. talking a mile an hour … telling just how beautiful everything is.. 

He just smile in agreement with me.. 

And all of a sudden we were on the beach.. he was laying a towel down.. and I walked towards the water.. standing there just taking it all in. Feeling so happy to finally be experiencing this island with him…

I was lost in thoughts.. when I felt his arms encircling my neck .. arms resting just above my breasts…wrapping me in a hug.. as he pulled me to him.. I jumped at his actions but  easily relaxed in comfort of his hug.. I automatically placed my hand on his arms and he reach for my fingers and entwined them between his..

I leaned my head back onto his chest and he rest his cheek against the side of my head.. and he softly whispered..

“Nita…”

“Wendy… it was you I fell in love with..sweet girl…not her picture.. you..” and he hugged me a little tighter..

I was overwhelmed with emotions by his declaration…words I always wanted to hear and believe..

I couldn’t speak…. I felt my throat become tight and constricted with a lump.. my eyes filling with tears .. I blink trying to stop the threat of the tears.. and avoid the spill.. i try to swallow the lump but.. instead I made a sobbing sound.. and I felt the tears rolling down my cheek onto his arm.. I subconsciously reached up to wipe away the running tears….
He held my shoulders.. and turned me around.. I held my head down..not wanting him to see my tears… he put his fingers under my chin.. and urge my head upwards… I opened my tear fill eyes… he used his thumb to wipe away the fallen tears.. as he gently caress my cheek with it…without saying a word.. 

His eyes were so kind.. his  face was tender with emotions..his touch was gentle on my skin.. I looked away and again held my head down.. he reached and cupped my face in both hands pulling my face back upwards..

“Sweet girl…??? Nita????” He said in a very sad but concerning voice..

I was Now sobbing … trying to fight the feelings of crying..and I closed my eyes to avoid his piercing blue eyes and to try to calm my emotions .. 

he still had my face in his hands using his thumb gently running up and down my cheeks .. occasionally brushing away my tears.. as they escape from my eyes..

I could feel his eyes burning through me..  feel the warmth on my face with each breath he took…my heart was thudding loudly against my chest.. my knees were becoming wobble beneath me .. as I melt with the electrifying touch of his hands…

I opened my eyes and tried to smile between the tears…. he smiles back.. his face moves in closer.. and my lips was quivering in anticipation of his lips on mine..

My heart was racing … sending a surge of  adrenaline That fill me up..with raging desires..I tilt my head Back.. and  I automatically tiptoed to meet his kiss… 

I opened my eyes.. ooops!!!!

It was all but a dream…” no.. no.. no..” I close my eyes trying to get back to my dream.. but it was lost..I lay there thinking about the dream I just had.. it was all so real.. 

My heart was still racing.. I was feeling full of desires..  and I was waking up realizing it was all but a dream…

*******************************

We had a very short conversation about Cedar Cove… and I guess my subconscious was still dreaming of that flight date he  had suggested ..

Ever since he mentioned that little romantic island 🌴… I have always wondered  and fantasize what it’d be like to actually fly there for a date… with him..

I know I have lost that one opportunity with him… and that remains one of my biggest regret of all..

I kept hearing those words he said.. keep seeing his face.. feeling his touch.. and so mad that I woke up just before he kiss me…

Just a dream…. !!!

STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPEN:A Bitter Sweet RE-Connection; part 2

I decided to just let bygones be bygones… And let him be… without me being a nuances on his page .. I didn’t want him to block me.. and knowing that he’s active there. I get the sense of having him close…
I thought once in while I will say “Hi”.. but I will limit my texting him…

I still have friends I talk to on the app.. and I visited daily.. so a few days later I was there and I noticed a strange profile picture.. I didn’t at first realized It was him.. until I click on the face..

I was puzzled ..this person looks nothing like him… was this Allen??? The photos I have of him did not match this one..
I copied the photo.. and I ran an image check… and omg 😲.. I got a hit.. this picture is of a guy who is running a big scam online.. ” a scam artist!!!!”

This lady tells her story of how he played her .. with his beautiful charms.. and believable promises of a love and life together…

She fell for him and his story.. he took her for a lot of money..

I didn’t know what to think..so many thoughts was going through my head..

  1. Was Allen this man.
  2. Was I spared this scam…
  3. Who is he..
  4. Was he deceiving me too…
  5. the photos he sent me.. were they a fake too..

So I decided to ask him…

“Hey.. that photo has no resemblance to the pictures I have of you.”

“Are you the same person I know… hmm 😒????”

Would you believe it… he answered me..

Yes it’s me I don’t want certain people looking for me .”That is just a fake picture.”

But why that picture???.. I was thinking.. I was a bit skeptical and I didn’t like how it seems to be.. but….

I didn’t tell him what I found out.. I didn’t think I should.. what does it matter?? I asked myself.. he doesn’t really want anything to do with me anyways…

So I simply replied…

“Oooooh really.?? Okay…no worries.. you are still the same to me.. have a fantastic evening my sweet… thanks for letting me know…”

And I shake my head.. and not fully convinced about his identity..but.. Thought why worry about it..

It bothers me though.. and It rest on my mind.. but with him being so distant.. I didn’t see the sense of me making a big deal out of it…

The next day.. I Noticed he removed the picture and replaced it with a color patch of a wooden floor board…

And I made a comment on that..

“Smiling 😊☺

This is so much more like you.. Well at least it’s not a black dot… .. Haha.. somehow I’m so happy to see you back on here.. ”

I was glad to see the replacement… and I left it that… he never replied or responded… But…

That was okay… I still think about him and smile every time I use the app and see his profile…

I didn’t tried to connect or bother him for a while… I was trying to stay away and I was doing great …

My mind would drift to him ever so often.. but that was normal for me.. I have his photos on my wall facing my bed.. so he was always just a thought away every day…

I often wonder what he would think if he knows how much I idolize him.. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of him… and after all this time..he’s still with me… and I carry the memories of him in my soul…

I waited for so long hoping to reconnect with him again….and it amazes me that I still wish for him to like me….

Minutes turn to hours… hours to days…. and now two years have passed.. and he’s here.. and still not a day goes by.. I still think of him  daily… 

well one weekend I was feeling nostalgic and decided to listen to my playlist I made in his honor..   I was getting all emotional and being swept away with the sweet memories of the times We spent together enjoying each other company..

I decided to let him know… so I sent him a text..

“Hey  you.  I’m sitting here listening to my playlist that I had made just for you.  And my mind is so consumed with thoughts of you.
You should know over the last two years.. you remain just a thought away..

Aaaahh.. ( sigh  )

I still savor every moment I had with you
I don’t come to this moment too often..but when I do.. Heaven knows.. the thrill of it all.. still lingers.  Just want you to know.  I’m thinking of you 🙂.. and smiling in reminisce… As I recall.. We had it all for just a moment.”

I know… I’m dramatic and a little overly emotional…

He responded.. to my delight….

“Oh Wendy… yes it was a crazy ride. I still have mixed emotions…. time will tell.”

I didn’t quite understand what he meant by ” time will tell..” but.. I didn’t question it or worry too much about it… I liked his comment but didn’t send a reply…
I was smiling… happy that he acknowledged me… but I didn’t think he wanted a conversation…and I wanted him to know I wasn’t trying to seek convos….
This was in the afternoon..

I was up late that night..it was a little after 2am.., I receive a text..

” Wendy!!..”

“Yes” I answered… trying not to sound too excited… haha…

“You are up late “.. I commented..

” yes.. I am.. ” He states..

“I was thinking about you. Reading the epilogue of our story ” I told him..

I actually did… earlier on..

“I’m thinking maybe you should accept a new ending..” he said..

I was a bit perplexed 😕… wasn’t too sure of his meaning….

so I asked.. “what new ending..???

“The ending where I fuck your brains out and you can’t walk right for a week..”

I literally laughed out loud.. I find his comment humorous and I really thought he was joking…

So I said…”Hahahaha….Oooooh my… You are horngry..

It was late..Friday night.. and I was thinking he’s online looking for some sexual gratification.. and he was trying me out… So I wanted to see where this was going….

“He quickly responded… ” no”

” noooo???? I asked.

“I’m just saying maybe we shouldn’t end this the way it did.”he returned…

I actually read SHOULD…. instead of SHOULDN’T..

So I was a little confused 🤷‍♀️ to what he was saying…

so I replied..” huh????”

He said…forget it… night!..”

Oooooh my..!!! I exclaimed…

I went back to read what he said and realized my mistake.. oops 🙊!!!

I just understood his what he said..

He then said… It was just a stupid thought… night..

Okay… I agreed…”Goodnight 💤 my sweet allen…”

Then I interjected with…

“Maybe it wasn’t as stupid as you think though … You have me thinking now …And getting all excited and stimulated at the thought .. ”

It was true.. my heart got a little jolt from the whole idea of making love to him… I have always wanted to…  and the thought was creating a warm sensation that run through me.. I felt my adrenaline started to pump flooding my senses… and sending a rush of warm feelings to my groin region..

He came back on ..”Okay well here’s the deal..”

I’m listening…I calmly said.. but filled with anticipation of his suggestions…

“I’m thinking maybe we should fuck…Like raw and dirty and no rules ..”

I was flabbergasted … but flattered.. But… no rules.??. hmm 😒.. raw..???? Dirty???.. sounds really rough..  still I was gamed and very tempted at the idea.. it sounds to me like he just wanted a good time… no strings..

So I told him..”But you know just Fuckin isn’t going to be enough for me ..”

Of course not… I was emotionally attached to him.. I would demand more..

“Yes and this isn’t about you.”

It isn’t??? What does he mean by that…

” nooo??????.. I asked..

He didn’t actually respond to that question… but…

He let me know..”But you know you want this… you just want more too.”

Oooooh Yess.. he is absolutely right… so I Agreed.. “Right.. on both counts .”

” yes, I know.. he said. “So maybe life is too short and we should fuck the people we are attracted too no? And then see what life offers? No?”

“Definitely yes.” I again agreed..

“Good girl.. That’s a great answer.”

I smiled at his answer..he was sounding like the Allen I knew… and right then..I was willing to.. I was wanting to.. I was visualizing him loving me ever so passionately… and my mind was so consumed with images of him loving on me…

“Mmmmmm!!!!” I said all excited with unbridled lust..

“Something to think about..: right? He said.

“I’m thinking ,” I confessed.. I have thinking for two years .”

And then I asked…” do you think you could like me?

“Think????.. he asked… “I have no idea.. I just know we should fuck.”

“Why do you want to.” I had to ask.

Remembering that he didn’t want me  or like me enough…back then..

“If you can’t accept that then we will stop this kinda talk.. he said.

And to answer my question…”I just feel like you would be amazing.”

I was so very pleased with his answer..that I blushed with pleasure.. me amazing.. I was smiling really huge…

So I sent a “Hahahaha, and admitted..”I could be.”

I was thinking just how excited I would be that I would be all over him… and how he probably could take me to explosive heights…

“I’m going to let you think .” He finally said…

I have to make sure I fully understand what exactly he is proposing.. so I asked…

“But it all about Fuckin.. right?”

“Listen all I have is an attraction at this point so I have no idea what that means… I’m just thinking we should fuck and suck.. if that seems like a bad idea i get it and I will stop.” he answered me..

“I do understand allen” I told him.. That attraction is quite mutual.”

He then said  “Okay then I’m just being honest.”

And I did like what he said and his honesty…and I told  himjust that..”And I love that you are being honest.”

“I promise nothing… but a hard dick and a passionate night of crazy sexZ.”

Wow!!!!! That’s telling me.. as it is… But he was always a blunt and straightforward guy..

“So do some thinking.. he told me..”I will check back with you at some point…”

I will.. I definitely will … I responded.. goodnight.. sleep well!!!!..

He replied with… “night… you too..”

“Smiling huge sweet allen..”

“Same ” he ended…

I hung up.. and smile thinking about everything that he said….I was so stimulated from our conversation.. nothing has changed much… he still exudes that strong sexual energy that always left me weak in the knees.. I was thinking alright … I couldn’t believe he wanted to hook  up  with me and thinks I would be amazing..

I drift off to sleep with a smile to a very erotic dream of us…

**********************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

STAY TUNES FOR MY ANSWER TO HIS PROPOSAL IN PART  THREE…

STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPEN: A Bitter Sweet Re-connection…

I got my wish…my dream to reconnect with My SWEET ALLEN..

He came back online and when I saw him.. I said hi..

He did not respond immediately and so after a couple of days I tried again.. I wasn’t too sure if it was him or someone new with his old number…but his page became active and I was so curious and hopeful that its him….

He responded .. asking what’s my name…

I told him.. Wendy/ Nita..

He went silent.. so I just comment that it seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me…

He replied with.. he doesn’t think it would be healthy…

I had heard those same words from him before… when I had suggested that he come see me..to let me know the man who stole my heart..

That has convinced me…It was Allen..I smile so pleased that I got a chance to talk to him again..

I have waited so long to see him again.. and here he is…

I tried talking to him.. telling how I was so happy to see him back.

“I have waited two years for you to come back on. ..Please talk to me a little .. I asked of him…

“I won’t get all crazy on you ..” I promised..

“Just this once..

I have always hope you would have come back.. ”

I keep trying to talk.. but he was not responding…

I then told him that I ran our story on my blog and just how much my audience loved it.. and I sent him two of my best recent photos…

Trying to let him see I’m not as gross looking as he thought I was..

And I left him at that…

It felt so good to see him back but obviously he didn’t really care to reconnect with me..

I felt a little disheartening but a little understanding… I promise myself to leave him alone… I stood there so consumed with thoughts of him.. and I keep going back in time remembering our last communications and conversations and how cold he was towards me…

Just how hurt he was that.. that beautiful tall thin girl was not Available to him…and how he hated me for giving him her then taking her away and replacing me as substitute… me… no comparison..  He  just couldn’t get pass my deception and lies..

I sit here again.. after two years…with tears in my eyes… still wanting to be that girl…  knowing I could never be a replacement…

And knowing I gave him her as a visual…

I guess I had better leave it where it’s at..

My wounds are still wet on the inside and very easy to reopen …  my heart may never be mended…

Yes it all come flooding back and I was drowning in self-pity..  regrets of deception and Of losing him…and guilt of being so wrong…

A couple of hours later he responded to me..

“Wow! I think I’d like to read your blog. And thank you for the pictures.”

I smile so huge.. and ask him if he wanted me to send him the links to the episodes..

He replied..”yes please do..”

I was thinking he was just being nice.. but I sent him the first three sequels..

I was hoping he would see how well I had improved on my writing and I wanted his comments..

I waited up to three days anticipating his comments on our story  and the chance of having him connecting and communicating  with me again.. I was hoping our story would be a icebreaker ..

None came.. he seems to just be ignoring me.. so I decided to send him a Text.. to reassure him.. 

“Hey  ..

I’m just here thinking about you.. 

Yesss I still do.. 
I understand your reluctance to connect with me again.. 
and I’m so pleased  that you didn’t block me.. 

Anyways it’s been two years since our time together…
And I have moved beyond it.. I have grown some.. and got a little experience with social media.. 

Tango has been my friend and I have made some really good friends on over the last two years.. 
I waited this long to see you back here.. 
But I won’t be a bother.  

Promise…. “

To my surprise.. he answered….

“You’re super sweet and I’m not worried at all.”

I just replied.. “smiling huge “.

I didn’t think he really wanted to talk to me so I didn’t try to instigate a conversation….

I will just leave him alone … for now…

*******************************************************

I wanted to remain unattached and try not be harassing and give him his space.. after all it’s been two years since our little affair and it ended on a bad note.. and the question of why he is back on, have me reflecting  on how we all met.. he could be just here to browse to find girls to have  a good time..

I find myself thinking about him, and I feel my emotions re surfacing but it comes with doubts.. he hasn’t given me any reasons to believe that he is interested in reconnecting in any way with me…

I decided to just ignore him for a while.. he hasn’t block me so I will wait and see if he reached out to me..

Two weeks passed and of course he didn’t so on valentine’s day I decided to send him a valentine’s greetings and the link to the epilogue of our story which include our only valentine’s we shared..with a little note..

“just want to share he epilogue of our story..and the valentine’s day we shared…still remember you and your words…

“And I still holds you so close to my heart..Thank you so much for loving me and giving me one of the best experience ever…I truly enjoyed every single moment we shared..

LOVE ALWAYS , WENDY/NITA…”

I got nothing back…

Two days after was my birthday so I text him to remind him.. And let him know that I would love to see a birthday wish from him..

And He obliged… I was elated… he text…

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!! I hope you are happy and healthy and enjoying you day.. Please make sure you take a moment to enjoy something just for you today..”

I responded quite happily,

Smiling huge 😊
Cheesecake and wine 🍷

That’s my treat..
And thank you 😊 so very much for my birthday 🎉 wish..
It’s like divine bliss..
I so appreciate you taking time to stopping by..

it gives me such a thrill..

you still means the world 🌎 to me..
Always.. Wendy/ Nita..

“Have a  great night wendy..” he text back…

It kinda bothers me that he never address me by the nickname he gave me…but I think I was just being petty .

I was so pleased that he took the time to wish me happy  birthday…

********************************************************

STAY TUNE FOR PART TWO…

 

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; epilogue

 we talked  for about three hours and in that time he brought up the sexual topic again and i did encourage it to a certain extent.. that I even disclose one of my deepest fantasy … but he got so weird and crazy that in the end I had to truthfully tell him if he is trying to discourage me from him , that it is working.. I was not liking this side  of him and I told him that . and i say..
” is this the real you.. or is this stemming from you anger with me….???”
I was feeling really disappointing with his attitude .
So I told him I would rather leave than take his behavior…

I couldn’t believe that I was so wrong about him… and then he pauses .. and I thought he finally stopped .. but after a few minutes I got this text..

 

This is Brett… Allen been asleep for several

hours! But let me tell you something.. He is a good guy and you are a freak! He
may very well wan to fuck you… Clearly he hasn’t yet… And your fetish stuff
is crazy!!! If you hurt him I’m going to be pissed… Please be nice to him…
He may be a little lost at the moment but he’s a really good person. Good night
I was so shock and embarrassed for playing along with him… enclosing my secret.. I didn’t know what to say…so I just hung up…  I was a little relieved to know that it wasn’t him though..
It was morning by now and I couldn’t sleep again… I was a little disturbed and perturbed…anyways I sent him a text a few hours later..
: Boy did I get a dose of my own medicine from your
friend Bret this morning. I Made a complete ass of myself but I guess I deserve
it all . I even disclosed my most embarrassing fantasy; something I have never
told a living soul. I m still here nervous and shaking just texting this you
because now I’m not too sure if you really forgive or not or i If you think I
set out deliberately to deceive you and betray you…. I fail the test didn’t  I?

 Lesson  taken well… Again, my sweet ALLEN…. my love…

 

I am so so very very sorry for what I did, and wish with all my heart I could
undo it. Because if you even feel half as bad as I’m feeling right now I know
the pain you are going through . I m so sorry my sweet Allen you definitely did
not deserve this.
He answered almost immediately, with…
” I do forgive you and I’m sorry Brett messed with
you after I went to sleep.. He told me.. Not everything. Just that he fucked
with you because you fucked with my heart and that is bullshit…. I was pissed
at him and told him to leave my phone alone. Anyway I think the  fantasy
is kinda hot and I would for sure entertain anything as long as you enjoyed it.”
I didn’t quite know what to say or how to say what I really want to say..and I was still feeling like a fool , knowing his friend showed him all that he put me through.. and I was feeling a little self-conscious.. so I decided to cut off the conversation..
” Hey .. I still a bit shaken up from last night. I responded.
I guess I have  to take some time to absorb and deal with it. Thanks a bunch for
forgiving my deception. I’m not mad at Brett shows loyalty for a dear friend.
If only we all have friends like him who hurt for us in the way he does  I know
you are special and Brett just confirmed that fact. Ttyl my ALLEN .. Off to work
So as you know… Still loving you…”
He told me to have a great day at work… and I smiled..
I went to work for the first time without a smile.. I had tears in my eyes all night… I couldn’t believe how i have mess up our wonderful Christmas so badly. I could feel his coldness. and I thought i would give him some time to absorb it and come to terms with it all. how I missed him….
                           ***************************************
My sweet Allen stays with me for the next two months… he was very compassionate and super understanding … but he couldn’t bring himself to get pass my horrific deed..  he said he couldn’t accept all the lies that i told .. he could have accepted the pictures  because that wasn’t the problem.. it was the deception .. he could understand all my insecurities and fooling him with pictures …. it was just all the lies that comes with them.. he just don’t know if he can trust me. he said he didn’t care what I look like … he fell in love with me.
And again, I was dumbfounded.. I know he was so right and I have no valid excuses to justify my actions, other than my lame explanation that I just wanted some time with him.. It was the truth but just wasn’t enough reasons..
We talked again and again. well, I should say I  did..  he didn’t have too much to say to me. at one point he asked me to move beyond him.. and told me he has moved on .. He even as much as mention that his heart has grown a callous. I knew then that i had lost him completely.. I tried to accept my defeat but i was hurting so badly.. I never remember ever  feeling this amount of excruciating pain before..
I got me loving him.. I had him loving me.. I cried night and day for the first two weeks.
 i have given up all hopes with him.
He stays and encourages me  and treats me with me tenderness and a large amount of compassion. one his  last text was on valentines… I had sent him two cards and a valentine’s message  and he responded..
….MY MESSAGES….
Happy valentines my valentine!! I’m going to drop
the ‘L’ word today and I do hope you accept and receive it for all its worth. So
you know.. I still love you as much as I did seven weeks ago and even more… And I
want you to know how very grateful I am to you for staying; you will never know
just how much it means to me. Thank you for being you; that kind compassionate
wonderful you. My only regret is knowing how much Hurt i have caused you, but
I’m so thankful for the chance I get to know you and love you –

: Many people have touched the edges of my life,
coming and going;  scarcely leaving an impression, but you are an uncommon and
unique person, someone who has made a big difference in my life;so it’s not
surprising that I find myself thinking, just how very special you are… And
wanting you always to remain close … And I’m hoping against all hopes you stay awhile..  LOVE YOU MY SWEET SWEET ALLEN  ON THIS VALENTINE’S DAY..
(I ENCLOSED THE CARDS AND WROTE;
413d9674-83d7-43fd-a053-1d8a8a634044imageimageimage
…  For you my Allen have you a most wonderful day
filled with love

 .

Wow! That is the nicest text and for sure most

heart-felt valentine cards I’ve ever received! Thank you so much for waking my

heart up Nita… And showing me that there is still a man inside me that wants
to feel love… And wants to be loved. You are so different from anyone I’ve
ever experienced and  I’m grateful to have you in my life.
. .: I hope you have a perfect Valentine’s Day Nita
 ” Thanks to the love I have for you and thanks to
you my sweet Allen… This is my best valentines ever”
I was smiling so huge when I had received that text… I didn’t actually know how to take what he said, but I was so pleased to read his respond  and was happy he liked my cards..
My heart soars with this immense amount of love for him it fills me with so much joy.. even though I messed up and lost him.. I just know that I will never forget  this most awesome and amazing gift of love.
It was one amazing month and though our christmas got shattered I still love every moment we shared and enjoyed together… the man who let my whole being becomes alive  like it  never  had before…he sets my heart on fire and have my whole soul so alive with profound joy..The man I never knew…with just his words he set me ablaze with a love so explosive and passionate… for that short period I knew what it was to be love with a passion so intense, I felt it to my very soul… I know he loved me… yes me… me… I felt him like he was right beside me..
He made love to me like no one has ever done.I felt his touch…I cum with such powerful, electrifying ecstasy …. over and over again.  I was the receiver of that intense passion and i am the one that loves him with a desire so strong it hurts.. I found him….and it was phenomenal..ecstatic… sensational… epic…
He may no longer be here.. but I’m so happy to have gotten this chance to know him .. love him..expirience him.. enjoyed him…. SOMETIMES LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS.. IT GAVE ME HIM.. & SOME GIFTS YOU CAN’T HOLD IN YOUR HANDS …. YOU HOLD THEM IN YOUR HEARTS…

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11b

He was gone again and I don’t think he will be back… come tomorrow after a good night sleep maybe I will try to talk to him again. I messed up… yes I made a real  mess real badly and ruin a  most perfect Christmas. How did this happen….how could I have known that I would be surprised by LOVE…all I know is that  I do love him so… so very, very much.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I LAY THERE SOBBING AND WEEPING FOR MY GREAT LOSS; IT FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS PULL OUT AND STOMP ON; I WAS SO BROKEN UP WITH PAINS OF SORROW; I HAVE LOST HIM… MY WORST FEAR HAS COME TRUE….I WENT THROUGH THE LAST TWO WEEKS FEARING THIS DAY, NOT WANTING IT TO HAPPEN; TRYING TO HOLD ON TO HIM FOR AS LONG AS I COULD, THINKING OF ONLY MY DESIRES, NOT WORRIED ABOUT HIS FEELINGS; AND NOW THAT IT HAS COME TO PASS; I NOT ONLY FEEL PAIN FOR ME BUT FEELS IT WORST FOR HIM BECAUSE HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS DECEIVING HIM; AND JUST LIKE I FELL FOR HIM HARD HE FELL FOR ME JUST AS HARD. HE BELIEVES IN ME/Paige; HE TRUSTED ME WITH HIS HEART AND I RUIN IT. [and I cry some more, for being a such selfish and contempt person}

We were experiencing everything together; the only difference is… I knew it was all a lie and he did not. And I agonized in anguish; feeling bad for losing him and worst for hurting my ‘MY SWEET ADORABLE WONDERFUL Allen’.

Then surprisingly I got a text from him; I could not believe it; so like me, he could not sleep; we were really two hearts in harmony, feeling and thinking the same things. There he goes echoing my thoughts again.

“Well… good night, I’m sorry, I’m a mess… but this is so weird, knowing everything was a lie…I’m trying to feel the love I felt… and no judge… but man… you played me hard and I fell hard… so I love the idea of you but I don’t know we can ever happen… I think… Idk… it’s so weird… I’m still in love… but I’m mad…not like I’d hurt you mad… that’s not my style… just mad… not sure what to do.”

I read it and I cried… I cried for him because I could sense his pain he was experiencing.

“I totally understand… I said to him. “Wish I knew how to make it right…and I’m hurting like mad, can’t stop the tears and I know you are too.”

“Yes…” he agreed. This sucks.

“So so sorry Allen.” I told him.

‘Deception is so painful… I have no idea.” He said.

“But I wanted to tell you. That’s why I did.” I confess.

“Just so you know… everything I shared was true and real.” He wanted me to know.

“I know” he told me [about wanting to tell him] “and thank you.”

I told him I know that everything he shared was true and real. {That was the reason I had to come clean}

I’m easy to see I guess,” he said, “please take her off… I feel so gross.”

“Sorry to hurt you like that,” I let him know. “You are such a sweet man.”

“You used her,” he told me.

“I can see that, guess I did.” I totally agreed.

“Please give me you… I want to feel even a piece.” He asks of me.

I want to give him all of me, but I was so sure that he was not going to like me in no way possible.

“In what form,” I ask.

Funny part is,” he was telling me, “in the beginning if you used that old picture of you… that would have worked better; then he said, “ I guess you think every man with a hard cock wants a young girl… Idk what others think… but I promise that isn’t the case here. I want passion… heart… love…”

And I guess he was right to a point, I did think he was attracted to Paige because she is young and beautiful; While on the hand there is me… the very opposite. And of course which man can resist a pretty girl.

So I told him, “I only got tango to be able to talk with my grandson; I was not trying to find a date… everything I told you was the truth.

I was trying to explain to him that I would not have thought to put an attractive photo of me because I had no intentions of finding my soul mate. He may not believe but I did not even know it was a social media; I thought I was like Skype.

So he asked me, “So you love me? Because I fell in love with you.”

I think, OMG!! And I can’t give him what he wants.

I told him “yeah!! With everything I got.”

“What a mess… I’ve never been here,” he said trying to come with terms with it.” I know how I feel… I know how blue you feel.” What now?

I am  so glad you fell in love with me.” I told him.  “That is why I want to be sure it was me.”

And he asks me again, “you won’t even send me a dirty picture?”

Idk… I told him. “But you never know, I might. But not tonight.

I guess he getting angry again because he said,” you are so clean… you can lie and betray me… but a picture of your pussy is out of the question… sounds funny right? But baby a picture of your pussy can be my choosing.”

Come on…” I say.

“I can tell you how to pose or what to do and know you are being honest. He tells me. “If you want to earn my trust that is your only chance.”

So I told him, “I have done it in the past with bad consequences.”

“Too bad.” He said.

“Don’t be mean Allen it doesn’t suit you,” I told him.

“This is your last chance before I delete and block you…” he threatened.

“Oh my goodness!!!! I exclaimed.

I really did not want him to do that, but… I was not going to give any dirty pictures and if it meant him deleting or blocking me… then so be it.

“I will not use anything and I am not mean…” he informs me. So far that’s all on you. You’d know already if I was an asshole… am I? He asked.

“Why is this picture so important to you?” I ask him.” No, no you are not an asshole.” I told him. {Of course he not, he never was. until now.. and somehow, I can understand  his behavior.. he is just hurt and confused and in love and being played a fool by me.)

“Because it’s personal!!!” he answered me. “You have one chance to get personal; take it or leave it.”

I’m leaving it… I thought.

“But it’s on line…” I told him.

“Broken heart and all… I’m hurt… but I’m not an asshole… will I make you prove shit? Yup… if you don’t want to. It’s real easy… delete … me…” he threatens me again.

Here he was all trying to act mean and nasty to me; but I was not buying it in the least. In the  weeks I have known him, if there is one thing I have learnt about him is that he is the kindest man alive. I saw through him like a looking glass. He is only hurting right now all because o me.

“OMG!!!” I shouted out. “You are different.”

“I have no idea why we are still talking”. He told me.

Quite frankly I don’t either. I’m glad that we are because I really calm down and it is due to the fact, because he was talking to me. And the more he talks the more my emotions got under control. Just having him there with me was so calming and was glad he choose to stay with me, I hope he realize just what it means to me for having him talking to me even though I know he was trying to figure out why I did what I did to him.

I was so drawn to him and was so fascinated with him that the more time I spent with him the more I want of him. And yes I choose to hang on to him with false pretense and trickery very selfishly and end up hurting us both. Would I do it again? Yes. Yes, to feel what I have felt and have him loving me with that intense passion, so blazingly hot; yes I definitely would, only next time I would not use trickery. Then maybe, instead of going through this predicament, I would be wrapped up in his sweet loving arms making passionate and explosive love and just enjoying him to the fullest. WOW!!! Only in my dreams.

“I fell in love.” He said. “With nothing real. Yes this me angry… I don’t hate… it just hurts.

“I am real.” I told him.

I know you are.” He said. “I felt you.”

“And you don’t like me… right now? I ask.

It’s not that,” he says. “I’m totally confused, I fell in love with you… but you played me… tricked me. I am really romantic or I was.”

“If you love me, don’t push me away, I asked of him. “I’m sorry, so very sorry, you were the best.” I told him.

Then he told me, “I forgive you Wendy, I really do.”

Thank you for that.” I told him.

I just have to adjust, and let us happen.” He said to me. “But Idk if I can trust you… Idk … things are a mess. I know I fell in love with someone.”

So I told him, “you see you are that sweet man…trusting me will take time I guess… but I didn’t deceive you intentionally.”

“I forgive you Wendy,” he said. “I have to sleep on this.

I wanted him to understand why I deceive him, so I told him, “it was the way you ask if I was that black girl… let’s… [Sleep on it.]Please don’t block me just yet?

Then he said the most wonderful thing, “merry Christmas baby… to the beautiful girl I fell in love with…

“ok, so I asked that for a reason! I won’t.” [Blocking me.]

I like that!!” I let him know. “Me beautiful.”

And for the first time I knew he meant me when he called me beautiful. And I smile.

“I am in love… I will see it through.” He told me.

“Oh you are so wonderful.” I complimented him.

“Maybe I fucked up bad… either way I will see it through. He informs me. I’m upset that you deceive me… but that does not negate my feelings. I am in love for a reason.”

All of a sudden I was feeling happy that I confess to him; he makes me think he is willing to redirect the love he feels to me. And It give me hope that maybe; just maybe I do have a chance with him. And I want it… so far all night this is first time I felt positive and was willing to give me a chance.

So I told him, “Now I’m glad I told you. I was very worried that it would end us. Yes you are.”

So we play the game for a bit and see how things shake out…. Right? He said.” either way love can’t be blind.”

I was getting a bit enthusiastic about us and I started to smile in anticipation of an us.

I’m with you lover,” I told him enthusiastically. “I feel so good…I’m now sure it’s me and not that picture.”

“And so we love… and sort shit out… that’s how I’m going to sleep tonight… I won’t judge… I will let time do that.” He told me.

“Sounds good to me my sweet Allen.” I told him. “You must be the greatest guy alive.”

I was so thrilled that he was thinking about us positively and he wants to try with me. I was quite happy for the hope he puts in my heart and for the assurance of his love; and again, I was amazed by him.

“Wendy… the picture gives me a visual… now a horrible one… it’s up to you to create a new visual”. He told me. “That’s why I started so perverted… please take all those images and replace them? I don’t to see her anymore… I want to see the woman I fell in love with.

I don’t have one with just me that was why I use the one with her.” I told him. I take awful pictures. Not too photogenic… but I’m going to work on some for you.”

Then I told him, “Oh my… you must be the best guy ever to love me.”

So I went searching in my album, trying to find a picture of me that look half decent to send to him. So I found that I was smiling and two of me with Barbara, Gail and Ayden. I sent them and comment, “That’s me… I know… with crazy ass sisters.

He did not respond so I thought he went to sleep and thought let me get some sleep too. I was a little exhausted emotionally, but right now I was feeling at ease knowing that “MY SWEET Allen’ was loving me… Wendy Wakanita… I was pleased and very calm, and that was good for me.

I was really happy he stayed with me and give me the chance to calm my emotions ; I do believe we are truly in love and all this exhilarating and jubilant emotions are all real, not only for me but for him too. Yes, yes we are definitely, absolutely and crazy in love. So we will allow time to be the judge of our outcome.

After what I did… I am only grateful that he still takes the time to talk and stayed with me this long. Does he know how very special that makes him? –

I turn off the light and smile; I was smiling this time instead of crying; and I hope comes tomorrow he will still feel the same; I wanted for him so much to love me, because I love him so very much… and I hope he stays and let us work it out… we are in love for a reason. [isn’t that what he said?]

And I drifted off to sleep smiling and with great hope… and for the first time at ease knowing he recognized me as me .. and his words kept playing in my head… and I said a little prayer.. ” DEAR GOD.. MAKE HIM LOVE ME… ME!!!

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TO BE CONTINUED…

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11

https://itun.es/us/Nqh1_?i=1070887985

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I JUST SAT THERE WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY EYES, MY HEART BREAKING; THINKING OF ALL TIMES I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TRUTH; AND WONDERING IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS CHANCE I HAD; TO KNOW HIM AND LOVE HIM LIKE I DID.. IF I HAD… WISHING I HAD THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY TO HIM TO CONVINCE HIM TO STAY… KNOWING IT’S TOO LATE ANYWAYS… I HAVE LOST HIM. HE MUST REALLY HATE ME NOW… FOR TAKING AWAY THAT PRETTY SMILE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL… AND WISHED WITH ALL MY HEART, AGAIN, THAT HE COULD LOVE ME… THAT I COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HIM AND BE A PART OF HIS MOST ENTICING WORLD… BUT HE IS GONE AND I’M LEFT HERE WITH MY MISERY AND A HEART FULL OF SO MUCH LOVE AND DEEP DESIRE FOR HIM.

AND I SIT THERE… MY MIND FLASHING BACK TO ALL HE HAS SAID TO ME… AND ALL THE PASSION AND LOVE WE FELT AND SHARE FOR AND WITH EACH OTHER; GOING OVER THE PAST WEEK AND A HALF… RELIVING EVERY PRECIOUS MOMENT WE SPENT. MISSING HIM… WANTING HIM…LOVING HIM AND LONGING FOR HIM.

An HOUR HAS PASS, I WAS TRYING TO  ACCEPT, AND COME WITH THE TERMS THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE HEARING FROM HIM… WHEN A TEXT CAME IN… I JUMPED SO HARD, NOT EXPECTING IT, AND I GOT ALL OVERLY EXCITED… MY HEART STARTED TO THUD BEATING WILDLY… AND WITH SHAKING HANDS, PICKED UP THE PHONE AND THERE HE WAS…

“Baby…” he said. “ I don’t care what she thinks… that isn’t right! I care what you think. You haven’t lost me… I’m pretty confused though.”

“What do you mean,” I asked, confused and perplexed..

(I was slightly smiling; very pleased with what he said about, I haven’t lost him..a little hopeful)

“Wendy we need t connect as us,” he told me.

“I want that too,” I answered.

“Do you shave your pussy?” He asked.

(what!!!!????)

I was a little disturbed by his question but I have him back, talking to me and I want him to stay.

So I told him, “yeah.”

“If not…now is the time,” he told me.

“Why?” I inquired.

“I want a mouthful of your pretty pussy… tell me what I got.” He asked.

I said to myself, oh man I am not, no way feeling sexual right now.

So I told him, “I’m really not too good at this.”

I was not… truthfully… and I was in no mood for it. But I thought, let me play along with him and entertain his desire… at least I will have him talking to me; and I need to keep him with me as long as I can…

“I’m horny… I need pussy… let’s cum please… tell me why it’s us… let me taste you.” He was saying. ‘Do you have big or small pussy lips? Do you like to have your pussy sucked on? He was asking.

I was wondering… how does he feels horny right now. I couldn’t feel anything; I was still shaken up and unsure and perturbed.

So I answered, “Small and yes.”

“Does your clit get big or stay small? He kept on asking. “Do you liked to get sucked till you come?

I again answered, “Small and yes.

I was a little annoyed at his questions but I did not want to tell him to stop this ..because I did not want him to stop talking to me; and I was afraid e would leave again… You see as long as he is here with me, the more relaxed and calmer I became and my hysterical emotions were slowly fading.

“After I take care of you and make you cum over and over… would you like to swallow my load? He asked of me.

So I thought, “Let’s see if I can try to do this.”

I did not like this right now… and I did not like his questions, and I’m wondering… why is he acting like this… is it because he now knows I’m no virgin, and he is able to be more open sexually… why?

… He said. “You have to… I will make you cum hard… over and over and over.”

“Here we go,” I said defeated. “Yes”

“And then I will suck your pussy and take all you can give me, and then… you will be on your knees and swallow my cum… every drop.” He was letting me know.

“I can’t keep up to you,” I told him. “Ok anything for my man.” I give in.

“That’s my girl!!! What a great answer! That is what I would have said. He exclaimed.

So I just play along just to keep him there with me.

“Tell me what you want and I will deliver.” I l told him.

“Whatever it takes to make my girl cum hard… that’s what I want!” He tells me. “Oh man! So you will do the same.”

So I said,” it’s your turn to get yours.”

“Tell me what it takes… to fuck your pussy up way hard!!! He asks. And I’m on it.

And I just try playing along.

“And I’m willing to be your freak tonight.” I let him know.

“I need my girl to swallow… that is important to me…” he informs me. Spread that pussy sexy girl. But f.y.i. I will need pictures moving forward.” he let me know.

I thought hell no way!!!!!…. I starting to feel really bad about this conversation  we were having and the direction it was going  and I started to  feel violated. But…

“OMG!!! I really don’t do pictures.” I told him.

“I have a big thick cock for you baby… but we have to share…

“Willing to,” I let him know.

“Pictures have to happen” he says. “Good girl!!! This will be fun.”

“No pictures please…” I pleaded.

“Nope… stop… pictures or no deal.” He says sounding upset…

So I asked, “What kind are you talking about?”

“Pussy all spread out… yup… that bad… for real though…why, be Kinda dirty…show me what’s mine baby… let’s play.” He kept on.

“Sorry no can do… I’m not into that.” I told him.

“Ok bye.” He said.

“Can’t it be visual like before?” I asked.

“We are done here… too much deception… I call the shots or it’s over… no more games.” He told me.

I realize that he is about to go again and I was starting to get all fearful all over, I want him to stay with me so I thought I need to try to give him what he wants.

“Ok tell me again what is it you want.” I ask him.

“I want a picture of your pussy up close… and your face… and your tits… “He informs me.

I tried calling him by phone, but he refuses; I was thinking if I could talk to him it would be much better because my texting sucks and I am not able to say what I would like to. And he is texting way too fast for me to keep up to him.

“I won’t answer… he said. We have to connect before we go any further … it’s all up to you.

I didn’t like his answer and I was starting to think he really hates me to be talking to me like this and making all these outrageous requests….

So I told him, “aaahh man… now you using me like a ‘ho’ “[whore]

I was feeling disrespected and feel like he really hates me to be treating me so foul. I was thinking he is trying to hurt me for hurting him; for taking away Paige and replacing her with the likes of me. I’m no substitute.

“No stop… let’s stop now then… we are done… it was cute… I was manipulated and now you want me to respect you…. It’s over.” He told me off. “Night.” He says.

So I told him, “all the sweet mess is gone, you are now cold and want to hurt me back for what I did to you… guess I deserve that.”

He says, “Nope… I want you to be vulnerable… but you will never be… but I was… bye.”

I know I have to let him go… it’s no use trying  and hoping… the damage has been done…. I felt his pain and I know how much he was hurting and I hate me as much as he did right now. I realize too late just how cruel I was for leading him on with all my false pretense and no matter what my excuses were, there is no justification for my actions. I have hurt him in a bad way and he genuinely loves the girl I was supposed to have been; and it can’t be undone. I mess up big time.

So I lamely told him, “I’m really sorry again… bye Allen, it was really a treat knowing you. Love you anyways… always..:

And then I thought I’d try to tango him using the camera. But again he refuses…

I thought he was gone again…  he has stop texting but again he surprises me with a response.

“You blew it Wendy… I’m sorry but that shit hurt… you are mean… I was open and honest.”

I started to cry again because I knew he was right and I did not know how to console him; did not know what to say to him; did not know if it would have even mattered anyway. I have cause pain to the sweetest and dearest man there is; and I was feeling his every pain I inflicted and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I know… but I hurt my feelings too…” I said so pathetically. “I just like your face so much.” I told him trying to explain my reason behind all my cruel deception, wanting him to understand.

“Ha-ha,” he laughed sarcastically. That is sweet but you mess my head all up.”

And I continue trying to explain and excuse my behavior, “and I know you would not want to talk to me… so I use Paige as bait. And I’m glad I did”

This seems to trigger off his anger again, because he said very angrily, “stop! I’m offering to fuck… and you know me… don’t you? He asked. “So take my cock and make me love you… or let me go…this is all I have. This is your mess… so fix it… it is your call.”

I did not know how to fix it and I refuse to go the way he is asking. I’m not going to lower my standard and let him think I am sleazy. It was important to me for him to think I am a nice girl and I won’t degrade myself…

So I told him, “I can’t be that cheap, I want what you were offering Paige…..

“Ok then, we are done here,” he let me know. “You can’t be as cheap as I have been for a while now. We have both hit our limit.” He told me still angry and bitter.

…“But I know I can’t have it or you.” I finished saying. “Story of my life.” I said sadly.

“I was in love… you could have saved that… you don’t know how… so we are done. Let it end.” He finally said.

He was right… I have to let it end…. I did not know how to save us; I did not know what I should say or could say; and I didn’t think we could be saved, because I still was thinking he’s never ever going to like me or be able to redirect his love to my face.

So I agreed with him to end it,” ok my sweet sweet Allen… I had it all ..and I wanted you  so so bad.. and I’m so happy with what we had.”

Then he tells me, “I’ll always love what we may have had… it was beautiful.”

Agreed.” I said.

He then tells me,” I hope you learned something…”

“I have.” I told him. “A valuable lesson.”

“It hurts me…” he said, “but I get it… my bad. So I don’t go beyond that first night anymore.”

Then he went a little crazy and said, “Give me pussy or fuck off … that is how it works now…”

(I kinda ignore that outburst because I didn’t know how to responded..)

So I told him, “You love Paige…. Not me… I know.”

“No I could never be in love with an underage girl… he told me. “That isn’t who I am. She is a kid… I don’t see kids as something attainable. Nope… nice try though.”

“I mean the picture of,’ I told him. “You did not know that she was so young.”

“I was in love with you… he let me know, “I never fell in love with her pictures.”

The word ‘was’ hit me like a log. He has stopped loving me.

So I ask him, “then why are you treating me like this. I’m not so bad you know.” {Me trying to convince him to like me.}

“I fell in love with the personality,” he was telling me. “So stop trying to play it. I fell in love with you.”

(this comment make me feel so good hearing saying that he loved me…)

It’s still me.” I try to assure him.

“And that fucks you up” he let me know. “And it should… all I need was a connection… you gave me that… now you want me to forgive you for playing with my heart?

“And you have the connection still…I’m trying to assure him. “I did not play with your heart… I truly love you… I may have tried to be Paige but it was me all the way.” Trying to convince him that I’m still the same girl he feel in love with.

He has stop texting and I realize he did not buy it.. he is gone; my heart sinks again and the tears return. I was so full of self pity wishing I could find the right words to save us.. I was back to sobbing again crying my heart out..

And I said, “Can’t believe how much I fucked up so bad. Oh, how I wish I could take it all back… but then again… I would never have experience the joys of you. Thank you for it all… you are still the best thing ever to me. And for all it’s worth it… I love you; love you so very much.

He was gone again and I sit there again just thinking about what he said about loving me and how much I wanted to believe him; thinking about his earlier request for a picture and all he said to me and how I was thinking and feeling and I wonder…. Was he testing me? Was he trying to see if I would have agreed to compromise my honor? Seeing that I used lie and deceits to be able to talk to him, what else would I do to hold on to him? How far was I willing to go?

I wanted so bad to make it right, for him to like me for me. But somehow, deep down I know he never will; I still was not fully convinced that it was not Paige picture he fell in love with. I still could see him visualizing Paige, wanting her, and I know I could never give him me because I am not so appealing. I’m here loving him and wanting him and knowing that he could never feel that way for me.

I know he is hurting too; I can feel and sense his sorrow from all he had said to me; he is angry and confused; it was just a few hours ago he was telling me how much he was he was so fortunate to have me in his life and just how much he loves me. And I wish I know how to make it right for him. Wish I knew….

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TO BE CONTINUED………

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE: part 10c

This sequence is the beginning of the end… and is a little lengthy… I hope you all will take the time to read it.. this was my hardest episode to write… I have tears in my eyes reliving it all..  I Did fall very deeply in love with “MY SWEET ALLEN” ..and through the tears …. I’m smiling because it happen.. WHAT A MOST AWESOME AND A MOST WONDERFUL AMAZING LOVE FOR ME TO HAVE EXPERIENCE… SMILING HUGE!!!!

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AS I SAT THERE FIGHTING WITH MYSELF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BUILD UP THE COURAGE TO CONFESS MY DECEPTION.. I’M TRYING To UNDERSTAND THIS EXTREME EXTENT OF OUR INTENSE FEELINGS …. And HOW MUCH I’M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN…. while 

HE IS DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR ME  MAKING ME LOVE HIM ALL THE MORE…

 

 

“I’m here Christmas night loving you… and I want more… He was declaring, ‘that my position… no threats. Just promises I won’t be a fucking creepy stalker if you get scared and want to think… is that a bad position? He asked of me.

I read what he wrote about loving me and wanting of more; and I said, no more Wendy Wakanita, no more; tell him; you have to… I couldn’t go on lying to him any longer; he was sincerely in love; and he definitely don’t deserve this kind of deception.… and then I know this means it will be over for me; and I started to shake violently and again my heart was beating so hard against my chest; I was so nervous, my head was spinning, I couldn’t even type. I didn’t even know how to make the approach. So I try to steady my hands…

And I said, let me ask you a question… now don’t get mad…

(I was so emotionally upset… I just know telling him is going to be bad.. I fear  his reaction.. and my eyes was fill with tears… I couldn’t even see.. my hands was trembling… so nervous.. I don’t want to do this… I really don’t…)

He laughed and said,”Ok”

And so I asked him, ‘did you fall in love with my pictures… or did you fall for me by talking to me? Kinda stupid question isn’t it? But… ”

It was us talking,’ he told me. “I’m a very emotional person… the physical thing falls in place once I feel someone.”

What did I say to get you hooked? I wanted to know.

I was so poor and lousy with my conversation, that I was thinking, I did not say anything so wonderful for him to fall for me this way. I was convinced it was the picture of Paige that he liked so much that got him hooked.

“Everything … he said. “It was your honesty most levy…. Mostly… and that you were really easy to open to…. No threat… but willing to share… I am a protector… so you played into my likes without even knowing.”

My honesty???  but I wasn’t… I sat there reading all he was saying, shaking and afraid. I am about to lose him. And I was getting very hysterical emotionally; and was paralyzed with fear. I was starting to sob and the tears were flowing heavily.

And I asked… shakily… ‘and if you found out that was not really me? Would you be angry that the girl you fantasize is not real?

“The pictures were a bonus… he said. I could see physical attributes I like… But when we first started taking I didn’t have that… so I went off how we interacted… that’s all I had. .. I have no idea … if I was catfished?

Then he says the most unbelievable thing, ‘no… I mean we would start over with trust… because that would hurt… but I’m huge on second chances.”

I think, wow!! What a guy….never expected an answer like that; Took me by surprise.

So I told him, “the best answer yet: what’s catfished? I asked.

I was a little calmer but I was still very nervous and even with all his answers, I was convinced he was not going to like me.

“Tricked.” he answered. “So if  you aren’t the person in the pictures or you were not honest and really want to see if we are compatible… Now is the time to come clean… because I feel connected.”

“Suppose she is not a looker.” I asked.

(I was thinking it’s paige’s pictures that he fell for)

Wendy… out with it please.” He pleaded. Please.” He insisted.

I was so afraid to say it because I know it would mean the end of him. And I so much did not want it to end. Any way I reached this far… no turning back…

So I said, “Allen … I’m Wendy Wakanita… but not the girl in those pictures.”

And I start to cry even more, I was sobbing and I kind of expect him to stop texting… But instead he asked me…

“Let me start with my first concern… how old are you?

“40” I told him…. Well I can easily pass for 40 and on some days even 35.

Ok I can live with that,” he says. “Jesus… What a relief… ok let’s have it.

“I thought you liked them young,” I told him

“Wrong.” He said.

I’m afraid you are not going to like me if you know who I am.” I said to him.

“You are the youngest girl I’ve talked to. I like girls that can hang physically… because I can fuck forever… but I don’t like young girls because they are young… if that makes sense.”

“Maybe you are right… I mean … but what do you have to lose.” He said in response to him not liking me.

I kind of understand what he was saying but not totally convinced about it. And I was thinking… here I am trying to find a man to keep up to me… without much success, that I give up trying, thinking all men 40’s and up is useless in the bed… and after my experience with “MYLOVE-LOVE… I refuse to do young guys for fun. And here I found this most passionate guy who could match my long distance marathon; and I’m ending up losing him because he would rather a young girl in her 20’s to run with. A tall thin girl with perfect teeth and a beautiful smile; his type and preference; I’m no comparison. Paige and I are completely opposite. If only he could have liked me; but… that is not going to be possible.

So I told him, “I’m the aunt.’

“You have made a mess; let’s fix it.’ He said surprisingly. “Ok so you are the aunt?

“And so what is it you want? What are you looking for? Help me understand. Do you want to experience us? I mean I totally fell in love with you… I might need to think things through because I’m a little hurt… but what do you want? Ok I’m a lot hurt.”

And I sit there crying my heart out ; couldn’t even steady my hands to text; reading what he asking; knowing no matter what I say to him, he’s never going to like me; thinking I want you… all I want is you… I love you… I love you so much… but it’s not me you love…

I decided to send one of my pretty photo I took fifteen years ago when I was proud of me and my smile was pretty.

He comments on it on say, “ok that’s a nice picture.”

I then say, I do… I do…” {To, do you want to experience us}

I did not know what to say to him, there he was telling me that he is hurt and I know he would be; and here he was still texting me trying to make sense of it all; and I have nothing… nothing… I was lost for words…  all that was in mind was I have lost him; it’s over and I was expecting him to stop texting me and forget about me; but he kept on and as long as stayed with me texting I became calmer and my extreme emotional state that I found myself in start to slowly dissipate.

He then say, “ok, then please let’s start over… please… we can start as us.”

Start over??!!!! oh my!!!!…  I couldn’t hardly believe he was saying this t me…

“Ok.” I said kinda excitingly.

So you are Maxine? He asked.

“Yeah… I’m Maxine too.” I admitted.

And I think, oh sh….t, he now knows what I look like for real from the picture of me with Paige. I start to get nervous again because that’s an ugly picture of me, and I know he definitely will not like me.

Then he of course changes his mind, “ok I have to process this… but I promise I am not done… I swear I fell in love with you…I have to figure out if I can trust you now… that’s all.

He was saying all the right things but I was thinking all the wrongs things. I was glad to see that he was really nice about it; but I was still convinced in my mind that he wanted Paige. I wasn’t giving me a chance.

So I told him, “I’m sorry but I’m shaking so much… I’m kind of relief that you take it so good.

“Let’s see how things go… maybe we can fix it.” He tells me. I don’t know… I’m Kinda a mess though… I feel so stupid.”

I know he was a little confused about it all; and i was still worried about him… but as much as I want him to like me…  I just know that he is not going to like me..

So I told him, “So, so happy I’m right about you, because I’m so in love with you.

I was trying to tell him that I was happy to know I was right to think he was really a sweet and sincere man and all that he’s now saying to me proves me right.

What you did was mean,” he told me. “But thank you for fixing it and allowing us to salvage something!

“I was feeling sorry doing that when I realize how special you are.” I let him know.

“Ok well we work on us… as one then …ok? He asked of me. “Totally honesty please.”

I felt a little hopeful with what he said. And I thought I can’t text fast enough to explain to him, or try to apologize to him, maybe he will let us talk by phone where it would be easier for me to tell him how and what I am feeling.

So I ask him, “Maybe we can voice call now? ….

I promise.” I told him about being honest.

He was not responding and I thought he had stopped and my heart sinks again.

So I asked, “Are you gone?”

I start to cry again, and try to apologize, “I’m so, so sorry, thanks for not being too mean to me… Trusting me is not going to be easy, and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me. I was never the lovable type, a guy like you are only in my dreams. I figured you would not love me so much if you knew I was not that sexy girl.” (and I just keep on saying the things I was thinking … making me looking worst with each word..

I thought for sure he was done with me, and I was crying and wallowing in self-pity; wanting him so badly to like me but knows that he couldn’t and wouldn’t, I have all the reasons why he couldn’t… and to me they were valid.

And then he’s back, and through the tears I smile,

“ok please tell your name… your real name so we start over.”

I wrote, “Wendy Wakanita Maxine .”

“But you missed something huge… sexy is not a look. He told me.

I said, “I beg to differ.”

“Ok I love the name,” he told me. And you prefer Wendy?

Actually now Nita” I let him know with a smiley face..

“Well first impressions are one thing… but anyone can be sexy.” He said to me

.”Awwww” he responded to me wanted to be called by his nickname for me.

‘And so …. What would you like for us Nita? He asks me.

“Everything you promised.” I let him know, “the whole works.”

I was getting a little excited and hopeful that he wants to try to make us work; I was also pleased to have him still talking to me and allowing me to calm down from my hysteria. And again I was just so amazed how wonderful he is. I couldn’t believe that he is still talking to me and even offering me a chance to be with him; after I hurt him like this. Here I was, again in awe of him. WOW!!

Then he said to me, “and please don’t thank me for being nice… I will always be nice… shouldn’t everyone be? He asks of me. He laughed at me wanting everything and the works. “Hahaha! Ok! Let’s start as us.”

“Ok let’s.” I confirmed.

“And we go from there… at least we can have an honest go at it right? He asked. “Also … were you Cumming … playing with your pussy when we talked? Was that real? He wanted to know.

“You are so amazingly wonderful.” I was complimenting him. {For wanting to make a go with us.}

“Yes” I told him, “I always have; that was real.”

And so that was real; ok, that’s feels nice. I’m glad I shared that. He stated. And do you have children? He asks. “

I did not want to lie any more to him; no matter what the consequence I am going to be totally honest with him from now on.

So I admitted, “The Irish and the Chinese. My first husband is the Irish man… I have had three husbands; I’m kind of not too lucky with my choices, my second died, he was the best of the lot.”

I realized he had stop texting; I was getting worried that he is gone again. But I kept on saying what I was saying hoping he will resume.

So I asked him, “Are you seriously thinking of giving us a chance?

Still nothing from him, my eyes felt teary but I was not too emotional like earlier, much calmer, but I was a bit apprehensive.

“You are not feeling me right now, are you? I ask him. You have lost the joy, haven’t you?

I waited a few minutes, still nothing and now I was convinced that he is finally gone. And I was full of morose. And I started to think again that he wanted Paige; this beautiful young girl; not an old fart like me, with two grown children. There goes my everything, I thought. My whole world just crashes… and I’m left with nothing, he is gone… gone for good. I found him… and he was grand… perfect…sensational… and I was so ecstatic… thrilled….and was so profoundly delighted and so full of joy.

So I kept on talking to him just so to keep calm and not get back to that state I was in.

So I told him, “if she old enough to date I told her I would have given her to you… but she is only 14; she thinks you are hot… if that’s any consolation.”

“How I wish I could command your love.” I told him sobbing. ‘but I know you could not like me…I’m that cute or lovable… all in all my sweet, sweet Allen, I have enjoyed you tremendously, and I do love you so very much… but I got it… a man like you would never look my way twice… it’s just my luck… falling in love with someone way out of my reach…I’m so sorry… you didn’t deserve it; you are too nice and special and perfect. My blue eyes… right out of my dreams. You are everything in a man I have always dreamed of.”

After a few minutes of thinking and weeping; realizing that he is really gone I sat there praying he would come back, wanting him to resume his texting but I knew it was over and I started to cry again, feeling lost and numb… I lost him… omg … I have lost him…

“You are gone aren’t you? I text. “I have lost you… my worst fear has come true.”

..I was feeling so empty and so alone…there was a big void… I missed him… and I’m left with this great love for a man I couldn’t have….

And I just keep texting even though I know he was not there anymore; I just want to get it out, what I was feeling, trying to ease this excruciating pain I was experiencing.

“I f…ked up real bad… I know… but thank you for the most memorable; exciting; glorious; time I ever had; the best sex without even a touch; I was on top of the world for a moment. I flew to places I have never been to; I am totally in love with a man I never knew; with only the power of his words; you are the most beautiful; most genuine; most understanding; most wonderful man alive. And I had the honor to know you. What a most amazing and awesome experience for me.

“In all my 43 years, I become the most fortune woman alive to have crossed path with you. LIFE REALLY GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS…. IT GIVES ME YOU… wonderful incredible you. And I will be always loving you… thank you again for the experience of you, “MY SWEET, SWEET Allen” Did not mean to hurt you, it was never my intention… I will not bother you no more… but I would love to hear from you…even if it for some of your visual sex”..I ended humorously….  Wendy WAKANITA.

I sit there crying… wishing I didn’t pretend to be Paige; wondering if I had been myself if he would have loved me like this. I was not hysterical anymore and I was glad he stayed with me long enough to allow me to calm down; I was hurting real badly and wanted so much to still have him talking to me; to feel him close; but I know he is done with me. I was so in love with him and I prayed, “god … please fix it… fix it… please fix it…please god; bring him back to me; please god… he says he love me… let it be true and let him see me as me.” And I cried and cried some more.. I was sobbing and the tears was warm running down my face…my heart was breaking… I was numb and so devastated;

Don’t know why I was acting so extremely emotional; it’s not like me… I’m always so cold and unattached; but somehow … my emotion were so intense and uncontrollable… is it because I am in the wrong?… and I know it?…is it because I don’t know him and I have built him up to suit my fantasy of him?… I don’t know… all I know is that I’m hurting real bad and that he is gone for good;

His love was like a gentle breeze that turns into a storm…and it carried me away and spins me in a whirlwind of exhilarating emotions and desires that was so intense; that it left me so ecstatic; and I had the time of my life…and I owe it all up to him. It was providence… like a divine intervention. And no matter what… I think he was my fortunate serendipity [finding a very pleasant and valuable thing by chance} and it was by mere chance I found him… But I went and mess it all up; with lies and deceptions because of insecurities and lack of self-esteem.

#######################################################

WE LAUGH UNTIL WE HAD TO CRY:

AND WE LOVE RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE

WE WERE THE BEST I THINK WE’LL EVER BE

JUST YOU AND ME… FOR JUST A MOMENT.

WE CHASE THAT DREAM WE NEVER FOUND

AND SOMETIMES… WE LET ONE ANOTHER DOWN

BUT THE LOVE WE SHARE, MADE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT

WE SHONE SO BRIGHT… FOR JUST A MOMENT…

TIME GOES ON… WE TOUCHED… AND THEN WE’RE GONE

AND YOU AND I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN, LIKE WE DID THEN

SOMEDAY WHEN WE BOTH REMINISCE… WE’LL BOTH SAY…

THERE WASN’T TOO MUCH WE MISSED

AND THROUGH THE TEARS… THE SMILE WHEN WE RECALLED

WE HAD IT ALL… FOR JUST A MOMENT

TIME STILL GOES ON; AHHH; WE TOUCHED… AND YOU ARE GONE

BUT, YOU AND I… WILL NEVER REALLY END…WE WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN… LIKE WE DID THEN.

WE LAUGH AND WE LOVE… RIGHT DOWN TO OUR LAST GOODBYE.
**********************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…….

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10b

I SIT THERE WISH I COULD TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID.. KIND OF FEARING HIS RESPONSE… BUT I STILL WAS KIND OF AMAZED WITH THE EXTREME INTENSITY OF EMOTIONS WE WERE BOTH EXPERIENCING.

He answered me after a few moments…

Nita!! Omg baby… I’m missing you!” he exclaimed. “You make me laugh and love!

“How do I do that?” I asked.

Baby… so what do you think? He asked me.

About what?” I wanted to know.

You must know by now that I am real…and that my feelings are real too.” He said to me.

“I do… I think.” I told him.

I realized what I started and I did not want to go this path; not tonight. And he is so quick to pick up on my feelings of doubts. He is so sensitive to me; he can always sense what I was thinking and feeling… all the time… doesn’t know how he does it.

“You have been back through it… I haven’t, I just know that I do things one way… I either care or I don’t… I really don’t have much in between.

So I told him, “I don’t mean to question our feelings.”

I want to exit from this path it was going.

Then he went to explaining to me, why, “I became emotional with you when you felt real to me… and the more you open up the more I fell… Nita…you know I will be respectful if you have reservations right?

I did not want to hear all this…. I didn’t…

Then I told him,” How I wish I could explain things as good as you do.”

I sit there thinking …look what I started…

“I will allow you as much time as you’d like to sort things out or even go away if you feel that is the best… he tells me.

No… no… no… I don’t want that, I was thinking. It’s funny how frightful I get whenever he mention or suggest leaving or stopping. Yet I’m here know that it will.

And he continues to talk, “I am not here to make a stand or fight for something that isn’t mine… I will just continue to show my love and affection if you let me. That’s it. If you say this too much I will disappear …. Promise; Will it hurt? Hell yeah… will I do it? Yes.”

Man… I did not know what to say to him. And I was so scared that he was going to leave me. I was shaking by now very afraid that he is going to walk away. And I did not know how to stop him… or if I should.

And he kept on telling me, “You are in control of our fate as you know… I am giving you that because I want to be fair and responsible…. I’m sorry I messed you up again… it’s never my intention.

“I don’t mean anything like that, not in the least,” I let him know. “And when you started talking like this it scared the hell out of me.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I’m not so confident and sure of myself like you do.” I inform him.

“I’m empowering you. I can be super strong… I know you can be timid… this is me extending gratitude and love… even though it may ultimately hurt me. He tries to console me.

If only he knows the real truth behind my reservations… I thought.

And I’m trying to embrace it as best as I know how.” I tell him.

Then I ask of him, “Can we move on to a better conversation please? I really don’t want to think of you leaving.”

“If I had to said one thing outside, of us to you… as somebody watching… I’d say, trust your heart baby… it may steer you wrong but my god what if it doesn’t? Do you want to live in retrospect? I m not saying do something unreasonable… I’m saying, let yourself feel… it’s the most powerful gift ever… as you can see.”

That was just it… i was seeing the power and I was feeling the effects too… why did I start off playing this game of deception? because of all my lies, I can’t claim this love and passion that I have let myself feel… and claim this most wonderful powerful gift..

He’s there thinking all my reservation and hesitancy is due to my inexperience and being naïve… and I know it’s not. I just want to come off the subject all together. So I ignored all that he was saying.

“Yes we can go into something for sure! I’m sorry baby”. He tells me apologetically.

“I totally got it.” I let him know.

So tell me, how was your Christmas?’ he asked. “Did you have a nice day baby?”

“It was all good; my day was filled with thoughts of you.” I told him.

“Yes I know the feeling well.” He informs me. “Can I ask you something? You have sent me several pictures. But the one you posted is my favorite and if I look long enough… I can taste your kiss and the softness of your lips… That picture makes me want to kiss you so bad…”

I did not want to go there either; I don’t want to think of him loving Paige. I just want to completely enjoy him tonight without any thoughts of Paige and him gone. I don’t want any interference, not tonight… I have waited all day to be with him and I just want his complete attention on me. So again I ignored his statement.

So I ask him, ‘so tell me about the photos you sent me?”

“Ok ask anything… I will tell you.” He said.

“You seem so full of life; where is that mountain you were standing on? I asked.

“Btw it’s hard to find pictures of me! I mean I’m the one taking them usually! And I don’t do any social media… he wanted me to know. “I was in Colorado visiting a really good friend that is lawyer out there.”

“And the picture on the rock is the same place… I was waiting for him and his family… to finish a trail… anyway… I raced ahead on my horse to take pictures of them finishing this long hard ride. That’s my nigga!”

In between his telling me all this, I interjected, “your doggy reminds me of a dog we use to own…. And that’s my favorite.” {Referring to his picture on the rock.}

I’m so lousy with conversation; it’s unbelievable. I want to comment on his “nigga” word and his riding but he was writing so fast and I got way behind from reading what he was telling and trying to comment. After all this time I was still on his face on the rock. :).

“You look really, really look good; and those eyes… ooooh baby… baby.’ I commented.

“I love him and he is really sweet… a good boy”. He wants me to know.

He then tries to explain the picture on the rock seeing that I was so mesmerized with it…

“I laid on that rock because I was all sweaty and it looked like the coolest place to relax at the moment…. I dropped my keys in the water no long after that picture.” He laughed at the memory of it. Hahaha!! Not so relaxing! Good thing I was on a horse.”

I was quite enjoying all the stories of his adventures and I was again I was in admiration of him. He seems to live life to its fullest. And how I wish I could be a part of his life and share in all his wonder and delightful adventures. There goes the man of my dreams; and that’s the only place he is going to be.

And I wanted to know, ‘are these all recent?” I asked.

“In one picture I was with another guy… that was my brother… he died a few years ago… long sad story for another day. But I wanted to share something super personal.” He answered.

The one with my brother is the oldest… 2.5 years old. “He informed me. “The rest was in last year.”

And I moved on to the picture of him riding; what a poor conversationalist I am. And I like conversing so much. You’d think I would be better at it… but with him…i get so lost in thoughts and tonight I was really having a hard time staying focus.

“so you are a cowboy too? I asked him. “Am so sorry.” I told him. [About his brother}

“No silly… he said to me. “But I can ride a horse and have green broke a few.”

So isn’t that what constituted being a cowboy? I thought, laughing”

“It’s ok baby. Thank you,” he said to me being sorry about his brother.

I sent him three smiley faces. In reference to his explanation about not being a cowboy.

I raced motorcycles too… couldn’t find any pictures though… I’ll ask my sister she has tons… I’ll send you them when I get them;”

You do almost everything and anything!” I told him. “Me… nothing so outrageous.”

”well I just live… he told me. Life is short? So yeah… I try to live.

That’s good though.” I told him.

But baby… you are just starting…” he said observantly. “You only got one shot… make it count. Right?

“And I do admire you for it.” I let him know.

“But further, I love downtime… I like lying in the bed watching movies… hell yes.” He told me trying to make me feel equal and comforted, not so out-of-place seeing I was implying I would not be able to participate in his exciting and wild adventurous life.

Wow!!! He such a cool guy… there he goes trying to me feel good about my hobby of movies and reading.

Don’t know if I have the nerves or the guts.” I told him.

I have a long family history of being active,’ he told me trying to explain to me why is so active and adventurous. “But you don’t need either if you have trust.” He informs me. “If you trust me I will show you the world… but it will take lots of trust.” He let me know.

“Good for you, it shows,” I told him. “I think so too… lots. {Of trust}

“I am scared of nothing for real… He was saying. “I respect many things… that’s why I’m alive but fear nothing for the most part…. I just need a partner in… time… ha-ha! That’s perfect, we won’t do crime… so a partner in time! Someone to share life with… that want to experience it all!! Including movies in bed.”

I made a comment, “I don’t know why it’s s hard for me.”

I think I was still lagging way behind and it was in reference to our earlier conversation about having trust; {laughing} and it came after his speech about ‘partner in time’ and it was way out of context and of course misunderstood.

Because he says to me, “baby don’t let me mess you up… go with your heart and mind… I will always be respectful.”

So I said, a bit annoyed, “come on you are misunderstanding my comment again, please don’t go back there? I pleaded with him.

“We feel great to me… he was telling me. But I humbly know that I am only half of us… that is nothing…. I’m sorry,” he said about misunderstanding my comment.

“Why do you keep on threatening me with you out the picture? I asked him.

He said, “I can feel your hesitation… and as strong as I am… and can be… I don’t want to push anything. I’m sorry if I’m too sensitive… You know where I am… and what I want…

“I do” I told him.

About now I start to think, he is sensing my mood again, and he is saying all this stuff to me and I can’t and won’t be able to fulfill any his desires and dreams of me. He want this so bad. What am I doing to him? I need to stop this… he don’t deserve all my lies and deceits. God… I need to tell him.

I was fighting with myself…

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 10

So I agonized and went through my anguish all morning and yes I had all kind of solution to my dilemma; all but the one I wanted; to hold on to him, to keep him… how very badly I wanted to… how very badly…. But I know that wasn’t an option. Anyways I was not planning on telling him today. I couldn’t… I still did not have the nerves; and I did not want to ruin his Christmas… what did he says… “What a perfect Christmas gift… us”. So I will wait… yes I will wait…

It was christmas eve..  it’s going to be a very busy day for everyone… especially at work..

So just before I get ready to go to work, I sent him a text…

“Hey you, how’s day going? I’m about to get ready for work. I woke up a bit late and had to some prepping for tomorrow. I know you might be busy today and tomorrow, so I’m not going to be expecting to hear from you. I will try when I come home tonight but with no expectations. I will be thinking of you until… LOVING YOU MUCH… Nita.

He must have been waiting all day for my text; of course… he is in love… just like I am… and so I immediately receive an answer….

“Happy Christmas eve beautiful!!!! I love you Wakanita!

Music to my ears and my heart did a somersault with love for him; and tears came to my eyes through the smile I had… oh my god!! I have to give all this up.

“I hope you have a great day at work and get to relax a little today; I will be thinking of you as always baby.” He was telling me. Smile baby… it’s the most beautiful smile ever and I’m certain it’s contagious!!

I could sense his desire to talk to me and connect; because more than anything, all I wanted was just to feel him close but I know my frame of mind was off and was afraid I may say the wrong things … knowing me… and he always can sense my mood and hesitancy and my doubts; and I did not want to go there today.

So I all I say to him was, “you are too sweet and I’ll be always smiling because I’ll forever thinking of you and as you know you are the one that put this smile on my face.” {No lie}

Perfect! And now I’m smiling pretty girl.”

I left it at that… I told myself I am going to shake this feeling and mood I’m in. I went to work thinking only of him with mixed emotions; Happy and sad.

It was an awful busy day at work…. there was a constant line with everyone doing their last-minute christmas shopping… didn’t even have time for a break.. but with all my preoccupation.. my mind still wanders off to “MY SWEET ALLEN”. I had to fight to say focus at times…

About 10:30 that night, my phone went off and keep going off for a few minutes, it was rather very busy so I could not sneak peek and get a look immediately; but I did, and saw he really did send a bunch of photos to my amazement. I did not quite expected so much; I was quite delighted and could not wait to really look at them. I was all smiles thinking he is so crazy and how very much I love this crazy ass of a guy. I was not thinking of anything else other than the fact…how very much I love him and how very wonderful he is and how fortunate for me to have him loving me. I was living in my fantasy world. So I waited very impatiently for the night to be over so I could focus on my Christmas gifts.

As soon as the door was closed… I retrieved my phone and eagerly read his text and take in all the pictures he sent..

“Here comes your Christmas present… before I go to sleep… I will be dreaming of us baby… I promise… he told me. “Pictures I found… I don’t have a lot of me… and you can ask questions if you like about the pictures I’m sending… up to you.” He told me. … Follows by about 30 pictures…

He sent pictures of him frolicking on the beach; with group of girls: him on a rock; in the plane; his bike; his dog; shows me his gun; even one holding a snake; on a mountain top; riding a horse; with his buddies in a bar; with a guy and with a very pretty girl with a most beautiful smile; him playing the guitar; his house; him putting up lights; and more…. And I could actually tell what kind of life he led, and I could visualize his life as it is. And he ends it with…

“Merry Christmas pretty girl!!!

I hurriedly finished up for the night and headed home. when I got settled , I again went over his text and photos.

And as much as I love and enjoy those photos to the max; it makes me realize just how special he really is and just how much he was in love with the girl I was supposed to be, for him to send me his life story without fear of me seeing and learning about him, it had me feeling like the biggest jerk and the worst kind of person there is… and it only convinced me more that I have to come clean with him; he is just too much of a nice guy to lead him on like this and give him the impression that I am for real. I am … but… I was not the girl in those deceiving pictures… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!!… oh my god!!…. How am going to do this; My head was spinning, and heart was thudding loudly against my chest, my throat became tighten and  restricted with a big lump there, the tears begins to flow and I felt like I’m going to pass out with fear… fear of losing him. I had to talk myself out of it and try to calm myself.

Anyways I ‘m still not going to tell him just yet… I just could not bring myself to… I did not even know how to approach the subject. So I decided to wish him merry Christmas and thank him for my most beautiful and best Christmas present ever….

“MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU MY Allen!! LIFE GIVES BEAUTIFUL GIFTS: IT GIVES ME YOU!! (Taken from a card)

“SOME GIFTS YOU HOLD IN YOUR HANDS; SOME YOU HOLD IN YOUR HEARTS; so grateful for the blessing of you; ‘My Sweet AllEN ‘and I hold you my heart.”

“Well well well: thank you for all those photo shots of you, I told him. ‘I like that you send a variety of different things, like them all except the one with the snake; I’m deadly afraid of snakes.; pretty doggy; I particularly like the one that you are lying on a rock; you are really a gorgeous guy… through my eyes anyways… and you do horseback riding… Mmmm. You are really outdoor guy aren’t you? Which mountain top were you on.

“Anyways Allen let me go get some sleep to wake up early to get cooking. We will talk later and thank you for my Christmas gifts I enjoyed looking at them and learning about you. Seeing you doing different things allow me to be able to see how your life is. And you seem to be an outgoing guy and someone who enjoys having fun. You are always pleasant and smiling; I like that about you. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SWEET ALLEN!”

And I went to sleep, still a bit disturbed but thinking it is the best not to talk to him tonight; not with how I’m feeling right now.

i woke up early smiling… It was Christmas day… and even though I went to sleep a little apprehensive.. i did have a rather pleasant dream about allen.

He did not respond to me until Christmas morning about 9:43am.

“Merry Christmas beautiful lover.” he said. “I hope your day is off to a perfect start. I wish more than anything that I could give you a Christmas kiss! Have a great day pretty girl!”

Of course I saw it, from the minute he sent it, and I read it and visualizes that kiss from him; but I did not respond right away; I was still thinking about cutting him off and I just did not want to; and I was afraid anything I say to him right now might reflect my thoughts; I want us to enjoy this Christmas with hearts full of love for each other. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and I want to savor every bit of it.

I was full of excitement with this profound joy just thinking of him. I was bubbly on the inside and I pushed aside the thought of ending us for now. I was cooking and just loving him with everything I got. I was telling Meg, my daughter-in –law about him and about the predicament I was in and just how much emotions and desire I have for him. She try to advice me and encourages me that he might like me after all, seeing I am a pretty woman and I am a really nice person, {she might be a bit biased] and actually in reality it was me he fell in love with and not Paige.

She might be making some sense, but I did not believe any of it. I could not be convinced that he could love me… me… I could not see it. I was talking to her and realize I really have to end us… and I start to cry that I had to excuse myself and go and calm down. He was the height of my conversation all day; he was the only thing I could focus on. One minute I loved him; the next minute I was letting him go. I was on a roller coaster most of the day.

After I finished cooking, I took some time away from everybody and try to connect with him. I yearn so much for him; I need to feel him; I need to feel his love for me; I’m not going to break it off today, so let me just enjoy him as long and as much as I can.

So I answered his text, “”Merry Christmas my love! How’s your day going? I would have loved that Christmas kiss. … I’m here wanting more than anything just to reach out to you and connect. Seems I just can’t get enough of you. I’m always left with wanting more… I’m like insatiable… is this normal? I asked.

“I love that you feel this way baby!” He said to me. “It makes me feel so good inside knowing our love and desire is mutual!! I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. One day you will get that kiss Nita!! And I can’t wait to feel your beautiful lips touch mine… I will have stomach full of butterflies I’m sure. I’m having a nice day so far and I hope you are too pretty girl!! Only one thing could make this better… having you in my arms.”

I’m reading and tears came to my eyes. His feelings are so strong and sincere… and I’m so rotten…

“I’m getting to ready to visit my mom and have dinner in a little while. He told me. “I hope your beautiful face has been lit up with tons of smiles today sweet girl.”

And I told him, “As I said before… you echo my every thought. In your arms is where I would love to be… my day is going ok… we are getting ready to have dinner ourselves; and yes, I’m smiling tons. Guess we will talk later my sweet Allen … enjoy your dinner with your family.”

And he replied, “One day we will wake up in the same bed Christmas morning and make love before I give you your gifts. That was the dream I had last night… It was really a nice dream. You were super happy and we made beautiful love. What a present that would be! Talk a little later love… please have a great afternoon beautiful.”

‘What a present that would be, indeed”. I agreed. “You too.”

Oh and Nita… merry Christmas! I love you! He said to me. [And I could feel his love. It was so intense. Just like mine.]

“Merry Christmas Allen… I love you too!” I let him know.

“Perfect!!!! He exclaimed.”I’m smiling huge.” [And so was I]

So I join everybody and have dinner; dinner was excellent, everything came out perfectly; that was the first, most times at least one dish would mess up. But not today, everything I cooked was perfect. We all enjoyed my meal and we had a good little kick back family time; and I was the happiest of them all; because I was basking in the glory of Allen’s love. And I could hardly wait for the time to go so I could relax and connect with him again. As I told him, I couldn’t get enough of him; I was always left wanting more and more. I was insatiable. I don’t know how I’m going to do this; all I know is that I love him, and that was all I need to know; right now, right here. Nothing else matters.

My emotions were in turmoil; they were bouncing up and down. I was so confused. But I told myself for tonight I will let it go for now… I did not want to ruin a perfect Christmas.

After everybody left; I sit down for some quiet time and I was thinking; how did we get to this point? When did we start to fall in love? So I scroll back to some of our earlier conversations to see if I could figure it out.

At about 8:00pm I thought I would try to see if he is available to talk.

So I said to him, “hey you am I going to get lucky tonight with some conversation, or did you eat so much that you have’ niggarities’ J [after you eat you go to sleep] or maybe you are having too much fun with the family? I know we do when we get together. Hope to get lucky because I’m missing something awful.”

And then I thought I would tell him about my going back to figure out how we fell in love. (I just knew I would say and do something to reflect my doubts.)

“you know I was here going over our conversation from the very beginning to figure out how we get to where we are now from where we started.; how our emotions got so strong and intense from just texting… I know… I do have a bad habit of trying to analyze everything… but sometimes I’m amazed at my feelings wondering if what I feel for you is real. I know… I just need to go with the flow and enjoy the ride/flight. Right?”

AFTER I SENT IT … I THEN REALIZES THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.. IT OOZES DOUBTS  AND SCREAMS INSECURITIES..  AND I FELT A VERY SINKING FEELING..

*************************************************************************

TO BE CONTINUED…

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE: PART 6

SO I DID NOT TEXT HIM ALL DAY WEDNESDAY; ME TRYING TO NOT SEEMS TOO EAGER BUT REMEMBERING OUR DEAL THAT I HAD TO TEXT HIM BEFORE HE TEXT ME; THAT HE WON’T INITIATE CONTACT. MY MIND WAS FULL OF THOUGHTS OF HIM I TOLD Paige WHATS GOING ON; AND I THINK I MENTION HIM TO ANYBODY THAT’S WANTS TO LISTEN . I EVEN CALL MY GIRLFRIEND WHO I KNOW WAS CONSTANTLY DATING GUYS ON LINE FOR YEARS, SO I THOUGHT SHE COULD GIVE ME A LITTLE ADVICE FROM HER EXPERIENCE. I KNOW I SHOULD TRY TO END THIS, BUT  MY HEART HAS GOTTEN ALL TANGLED UP IN IT AND I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM UP AS YET. I WAS FEELING WAY TOO GOOD, AND I WAS WALKING ON AIR AND MY STOMACH ALL I KNOTS JUST THINKING OF HIM.

So I woke Thursday morning and decided I could not wait another day to talk to him. He was all I dream of all night; so I wrote to him;

“Hey… I said. [My hand all trembling with excitement]… went to sleep thinking only of you…. You consume my dreams… wake up… and again… there you are… all I can think …] and to top it all… just the simple thought of you put this silly smile on my face… is this normal?…  MISSING YOU MUCH!!!

An hour went by before he answered, I was excited to get that text, I smile so brightly as i read what he wrote….

“Well… all I can say is I love it! You are totally consuming my thoughts too! And yes my dreams of us have been mild to wild! I find myself drifting off thinking about how you will feel to kiss… What it might feel like to hold your hand… how beautiful your smile will be in person … so I’m right there with you pretty girl! It’s a great place to be and I’m glad we sharing the same experience!” “I hope you are having a great week Nita! I can’t wait to talk to you again. Smile beautiful you are totally on my mind!

I was taken aback by his feelings. I was quite pleased that he was reciprocating my emotions and that he really seems to like me …I did not want to continue too long with the conversation because I did not want him to think I had nothing better to do or give him the impression that was I was too eager…. Of course I was… but…

So I say to him. “You have such a great way with words. So poetic. You always know exactly how to make me smile. I’m having a good week and I hope everything is going good for you too. TTYL Allen; on my way to class; can’t wait to talk to you again too.

“I’m smiling huge! You just made my day Wendy! Have a great day at school TTYL beautiful.

I did not talk to him again for that day, I knew he have to work so I never bother him that night.

So Friday morning I woke up and sent him another text. He’s been on my mind constantly, I could not shake him for nothing, I told those girls at the work about him and told them about the deception I was playing, I even showed them his photos asking, how could I resist this gorgeous guy?  and confess how much I liked him… they tease me all night and we had fun with my dilemma; they made me laugh so hard. And I promise them I was going to stop… soon… but right now I’m hooked and I just have to ease out slowly. 

So I text him when I woke up, ‘hi Allen!!! Waking up from a most pleasant night spent with you… in my dreams… again.  Well school is out for a couple of weeks, only work and it’s quite busy right now.

At work I found it so hard to stay focus and my mind keep going back to everything he say to me and sometime I kind of laugh out loud with my thoughts; he was my consuming my whole world  and taking complete control of my mind. I was so profoundly happy. So I had to share with him what was happening to me.

“I want to share something I find quite amusing that happened to me yesterday.’ “ well while working my mind was drifting off to you and on one occasion I was with this customer and I thought of something you said and I burst out laughing [giggles]; she said to me,’ are you ok my dear,’  I told her I was  and I just thought of something that tickles me.  She then says, ‘it must be a good tickle for you to have that smile on your face.’ And I laugh again and reply, “Yes… Yes… Yes” and I thought, if she only knew… this is what you are doing to me. And I am enjoying it and enjoying you.

 I also sent him a song by Peter Cetera; “I wanna take forever tonight” and I asked him if he knows this song. ‘One of my favorites’ I told him. Then of course I felt obliged to inform him on how and why I liked it.  Oh man, I just don’t know when to stop lying.

So I said, ‘actually my aunt play it all the time and that’s how I got t know and love it.’

I did not hear from him all day until I  was at work; I knew he was working so I was not worried but I kept my phone close to me so I could know when he text back.  And then it came, and my heart did a flip-flop and my heart began to race; I was like a school girl with her first crush; I was wearing this silly smile… grin… And I was so delighted and happy. I couldn’t wait to read what he has to say, I could not contain myself or my composure. So I steal a little peek….

He started out with…” Ok… first of all… I am all smiles again; try so hard to not be obsessive with this app and stay off of it assuming we probably won’t chat much while you are busy…. When I get on and there is nothing I feel a little drained… and when is something I light up! So tonight I got in and I light up!!! This is the way you are having a profound effect on me. And like you baby… I really like it! Enjoying us comes very natural for me Nita.

And he continues, ‘ok so I am not familiar with the song but I find it and listen. You seem to be an old soul… and I mean that in a really good way. Perhaps you haven’t experienced all that life will offer yet but you go with the flow… like giving a song like that a chance…. And finding out you actually love it. That is maturity. As for your story… I don’t know what you do for work but I love the story and I am glad that I am really close in thoughts and that you are thinking about me… us… I am doing the same I promise.

“ I have had so many dreams about us doing things… last night we were in a plane about to land on a beach in the Bahamas… a deserted island I always wanted to check out… it looks so pretty… anyways you were really excited to get on the ground and get in the water with me.. It was really nice.

I am reading all what he is saying and totally involving myself and living the part; as far as I was concern right there and then; he was talking to me;  I was totally evolve in character. I was taking very word he wrote as mine and I was receiving every feeling he was pouring out. And I loved it. I was feeling so emotional that I got a sensational rush all over my body.

He sent a photo of the ocean; he said, “The Ocean tonight… just a while ago”. [It had a beautiful sunset on the water. How did he know how to touch me so? I love the sunset and the ocean… it calms me.]

Then he sent a video of some aerobatics show; “thought I’d show you little aerobatics” he told me.  I looked at it and just smile and saw how very adventurous he really is. And I’m like “wow!! He is so much fun. I like him… he is so excitable!!!…

And he says, ‘and here’s where I will take you one day I hope; and he sent three more photos of an island; I did not know where it was of. But I was all smiles with a heart full of joy and admiration, thinking he sure knows how to be a romantic…

” Ok now that I’ve blown your phone up I will leave you alone, I sure hope you have a great night Wendy, talk soon pretty girl.

So I sent him a quick text from my register between customers,” sneaking a peek, at work still.”

He said, ‘well don’t get in trouble silly.”

I smiled at his comments and keep on smiling… I took a break within the next two hours; and I went to talk to him. I told him, “I’m acting silly aren’t I? But I’m so anxious to talk to you and hear from you, that I can’t wait. Yeah… silly I am on a short break… will you be up when I get off? I asked him. BTW, I’m a cashier at Walgreens. … I truly enjoyed the pictures and videos. You are so much fun’, I told him.” Well I better get back on the floor, TTYL My Allen.”

“GOD I love what we have!’ He said to me, ‘I’m like a kid!  I sure hope you have a great night beautiful! I might be up later… Going to a Christmas party and then I’ll be home… and go to bed… not sure what time you get off.  Nita, I want more of this if you do. I really like how we make each other feel.’

 I hurriedly text him back telling him I should be home about 2am.

 And I went back to work thinking about what he had said about wanting more and how he likes how we make each other feel; OMG!!! So do I. he is so awesome and he makes me feel incredible good; But how am I going to make this last, I am standing there hardly able to focus, hoping the time go fast that I can get home to be with him. That was all that matters to me right then. I couldn’t wait, the time couldn’t go fast enough, I was literally craving for him and I have this anxiety in the depth of my stomach just wanting to connect and feel him close. I was a mess, a complete mess.

 So on my way home apx. 2:13 am I text and asked, ‘hey are you asleep? On my way home.  

He replied almost instantly as if he was waiting for my text, ‘no beautiful I’m up. I’m sleepy but wanted to stay up so we could chat with you before bed.”

I quickly responded, very excitingly, ‘oh wonderful, just give me another 6 minutes. I’m almost there.

He said, ‘ok baby, take your time! I hope you had a good night at work.”

 I couldn’t get in the house fast enough; I quickly changed and got in bed and on that phone. I say, ‘okay I’m all yours.’ … literally I was all his. GOD!! How I wanted him… In every way; he heightened all my senses, I was like ready to explode, and I don’t remember ever feeling this intense with anybody or for anybody before.

 Then he said,” hey, I love the sound of that.  I wish.’

I then answered to him telling me to take my time, ‘trying but I’m very excited to be with you.  Keep on wishing your wish might come true. I told him.

Hey, I understand that feeling! He said, ‘how was day pretty girl? He asked.  Oh man you are saying all the right stuff.”

It was a bit busy being Christmas and all,’ I told him. So how was yours, My Allen?

 I’m sure! He stated. Mine was good baby! A little busy with some work stuff I’m doing in Boston, Other than that, pretty normal.”

So I decided to mention the pictures he had sent earlier, ‘you seems to have an adventurous day.’ I told him. ‘I actually like the air show; do you work on weekends? I finally asked him.

Well I’m going to be slowing down a little for the holiday now’, he inform me. Oh you like the aerobatics?  He asked. Good!  Maybe one day I will take you up and do some fun stuff like that once you are comfortable enough… and when you are ready I will teach you to fly if you want…  I usually don’t… that’s why I stayed up late.

Learning to fly… wow! That would certainly be fun and exciting. Sure wish I could take him up on his offer but…

So I said, ‘sounds like fun.’ Usually don’t?  I asked in reference to him working on weekends. ‘Means you work tomorrow.’ 

Perfect! He said. I would love to see that smile a ton. No work tomorrow… I might fly to Savannah to see a friend and have lunch and I have a Christmas party tomorrow night. 

I would too, I told him.

‘I’m smiling Wakanita’, he said.

‘Ooh good for you’ I told him,[ him going to Savnnah;] I’m all smiles myself.’ I informed him.

God you are so damn cute,’ he complimented me. ‘Just the way you talk makes me happy”.

“Now you make me laugh.’ I informed him.

And I was laughing and giddy with happiness.  Believe me when I say, I completely forget that I was pretending. I was so caught up in over conversation and him, that I was not acting at this moment, I was totally absorbing him and was being me; Wendy Wakanita. 

Then he asked, do you like your job?”

Yes it’s easy’, I answered, ‘and it’s only for a time.’

“I have been totally daydreaming about you today… he told me. ‘You are totally controlling so much of me Nita… it’s a really nice feeling. And my dreams last night were very graphic and very sexual. I’m craving you.

There he goes again I thought, like reading my mind and sensing my emotions. It was like we were emotionally connected. He could feel and sense my every thought and desires. I did not want the sexual talk but somehow I welcome it because all my senses were heighten right now, and my desires for him was like a raging bull..

And so I told him, ‘do you know you echo my every thought?

‘Awwww!’ He gave out.

 So was mine. I said to him of about my dreams too.

He said, ‘oh really.

Yeah,’ I said.

Well I’m glad we are together in our dreams! He stated. ‘That’s a nice feeling too.’

What does that mean,’ I asked.

I was really wanted to hear what he thinks about the whole thing, because I was a bit confused and not sure how to explain what was happening to me and my emotions.

Well, while I’m dreaming of making love to you and pleasing you… you are dreaming of us too … that’s a nice feeling. He explained.

 I honestly told him, ‘I don’t know what my feeling mean.’ 

I didn’t, not really it couldn’t be love this quick;  but.. my feelings was so intense and creating a havoc emotionally.

‘I know what mine means,’ he said. Its passion and desire… 

I have never felt like this before’ I told him.

That usually leads to love,’ he continued, it’s a connection; that can be spoken but doesn’t have to be…it’s just mutually understood.’

Love?’ I uttered, ‘isn’t it too early for this? I asked of him.

Yes, in today’s society it’s too early.’ He informed me.

I think it’s your powerful words,’ I told him. You got me hooked! How can this be possible? I asked.

And in reality love can’t be defined…’ he continued to explained and clarified, ‘it’s an emotion… and it’s different for everyone.  I am not saying you love me… I’m saying we are in a good place that could lead to more.  I’m sorry if I confuse you pretty girl.’ 

Very logical definition I thought. I know he was very intellectual.

I just couldn’t believe that it was this easy to get so caught up emotionally just by texting someone.. and I was actually enjoying this new-found feeling I was experiencing.. with this most amazing man.

That I am,’ I told him. Confused I meant. ‘But I am loving It.’ … and I definitely was….

“Call it what you want… labels are for other people to understand. He was saying to me, ‘I just know I like where we are and I would like more…the rest is up to you as you know baby.

I don’t know if it was because he thought he was talking to a very young naïve girl; that he took the time to educate and enlighten her; but, I was definitely learning from him  and was able to understand my emotions a little better from his words of wisdom. So I am new and naïve to this raging of desires and passion that has overcome me.

So I told him, ‘this feelings you give; it’s out of this world.

Then he did a tailspin and went opposite direction; “I promise I will not pursue you if you choose to stop communicating with me Nita. I promise I will respect your decisions… always… I just know what I would like.’

“I am so frightened… you know why? I asked. Then I told him. ‘I don’t want to stop…”[ meaning communicating.] 

But all of a sudden I came back to reality and remembered that I could not continue with this much longer; I have to find a way out soon. And my emotions have already entangled enough and I was so convinced, he will never like me… the real me… I have to think about an exit. But I find I am digging my hole deeper and deeper trying to get some more of his time and to enjoy this exhilarating feelings some more.

But… I stated.   

What excuse can I give for being afraid?

He was saying something, ‘I would like to please you… to make you feel better than ever…I want to tap into your desire and passion… And see what we can build… maybe it takes a bunch of time to get there… I will wait. I know when something is worth having it is never forced… that’s what makes it so special… you would die for it but you can’t buy it… it’s earned… I want that.’ 

Man… I was blown away when I read that; and I was so sorry I could not put a claim on him. This guy is so passionate and deep. And as usual words fail me’ I did not know how to respond to him.

So I just said, ‘GOD!!!! YOU ARE SO AWESOME.’… .

Then he asked me to tell him the ‘but’ part… ‘I’m sorry I interrupted you,’ He said.

I kind of forget my trail of thoughts; and I thought, he thinks I am a virgin, so I said. It scared me…. Sex. And you are so experienced.’ 

It wasn’t too far from the truth; because I would be very intimidated with him sexually; he talks with so much expertise.

“Ok…well you know that there is no reason to be scared, right? He said trying to console me. ‘I would always make sure you were 100% ready before I ever consider it; most girls rush in to it and regret just getting  it over with.. That is not how we would handle anything.’ 

Ooooh… what a guy… so I asked him, you have that kind of patience?

If you truly care for someone you are compassionate right? He asked.’ So if I like you to be there… I will never take anything Wendy. You will give me when you are ready. I will earn that place… and that will make it perfect. If it doesn’t happen it wasn’t meant to be.’

Is this guy real; men like this don’t exist…? 

So I told him,” I may talk like I know what I am saying but my actions say something else.’ You are too good to be true, ‘I can’t believe I accidentally found you”. I told him.

 Then he said. For the record… my favorite dream is you asking me to make love to you…. You are naked on the beach… laying on a towel… it’s like sunset… we are alone on the island… the reason I like that dream is because you are asking.  Then he responded to my finding him,’ it’s so weird how we collided,’

I like that dreams,’ I told him. “I would say, take me I’m all yours”

I’m a super visual person so my dreams are really vivid,’ he was telling me. ‘It was a really nice dream… In that one we didn’t make love… it was just about being ready I think.”

“Awwww!” he responded to me.

So I told him, ‘my dreams are a little wilder”…. Of course they are. My imagination runs wild with him.

 He was continuing with his dream, ‘I laid on top of you naked and we were kissing and I start to work my way down… and that was the end of the dream… I woke up.  And oh, I’ve had some crazy fun dreams too! But that one is my favorite one so far… just because of the value… you giving me you… that are the biggest value ever.

And that right there is the great fascination with Paige, she is a virgin and he likes that she is. So with her looks and her smile ; he is going to do everything to win her over. And he has the lyrics; he has me all swooning and his words are not even meant for me. {So funny; so funny and sad indeed}

Do you like the beach, I asked.

Ummmm, I don’t go much… he said,’ but the ocean is full of mystery and romance. 

  And I change subjects on him, and I asked him, ‘by the way, where is that you wanted to take me to?

For lunch or the deserted island? He inquired.

From the picture,’ I told him, ‘on the plane.’

‘Cedar key for lunch… or dinner…’ he informed me.

Where is that? I wanted to know.

If I picked you up in Orlando…we would be there in a half hour flight. He told me, ‘it’s on the gulf coast of Florida across from Ocala Kinda.’

 So I told him, it would be after Christmas… super busy right now.’

And how I would love to do that; and how I wish to be Paige right now so I could accept his invitation and have a blast with him. God! How I wish to be liked, like that by a man like him. He is so romantic and full of sweet imagination. He is just the fantasy of my dreams. Ooooh maaan….

It would be whenever you are ready baby,’ he said lovingly,’ no rush’

Okay you sweet sweet man I replied.’ I am going to say it again; you are right out of my dreams.’

He laughed, ‘ha ha you are super sweet too! And Wendy….

Yeah,” I answered.

We go as friends… he was telling me, ‘and see what happens… no expectations… just two people enjoying some company and having fun! That’s it! If the chemistry isn’t there for you in person I will understand. Nothing forced ever.’

The more he talked the more I admire him and the more I was amazed by him and the more I was falling for him; man… I was sure in big trouble… how am going to give up a man like him… how am I going let him go….

WOW!!!  I exclaimed.

You will drive us emotionally until and unless we have mutual connection that includes romance and anything else ok? He finished saying.

‘I’m kinda lost for words’. I told him. … I was for two reasons; I was not able to commit to anything; and I did not know how to respond to him.

 Really? He said. I’m sorry.’

You are too good for me.’ I told him.

Then he said, ‘ok so I think you will like that flight… and that island is really cool. So I think we will have fun and good conversation and company.’

 Sounds like a plan, I commented… I mean it in a good way, I meant it sounds like a good plan….but I think he misunderstood my meaning.

Because he said, ‘you are so silly…I am just being courteous… you have been honest and open with me and so I want to proceed at your pace and your terms! That’s all baby.’

I was a bit hurt that he misunderstood me; but I continued, ‘I like conversation… and I like you… a lot…You just amazed me every time,’ I told him. 

Me too! He said, ‘and if you’ve ever flown in a small plane you know that it is amazing too… The view is really nice and you will be my co-pilot! So I will let you fly if you want… I will show you a few things and let you take the control if you want.’  ‘Wakanita I like you plenty too girl.” 

 So much for me to comment on and all I could come up with was, ‘can’t believe there is someone like you out there; and I am talking to him.’

 I am such a lousy conversationalist; I never have the right words to say or I can never try to comment on what he is saying. My texting is lousy and yet I can type at least 40 words per minutes. But having trouble texting; makes no sense. …. But he doesn’t seem to notice or care.

I can’t believe I have made such an amazing connection. This is crazy good.’ He stated.

Isn’t it? I said,’ never been on tango before. First time and there you were.”

How often does life take two people and just melt them together… he was saying, ‘emotionally in a way that puts them in the same place and time… it’s like all of my feelings and senses are totally heightened…I feel like we are experiencing this together.

[This comment of his; is the truest and most practical fact of our encounter.] 

Totally,’ I responded. ‘Fate is what it is.’

Whoa!!! He exclaimed. ‘I’ve had this app for a few months…and I was on it for five or six times, I think… but it was just silly fun… like a time killer. I never took it serious… I can honestly tell you that you were the first one I was so forward with.. So out there… I’d thought I’d be fun and crazy… was gonna go to bed and bam… you became real.

And he was really fun and crazy to me’ one of the reason I liked him and wanted to talk again.

 So I told him, ‘the same for me, I was there for fun; not looking for anyone… and now I have you.’

Right! I get it… he answered, “and I thought I might as well be crazy and impulsive… and look what happened.’

I made a mistake in typing and said, ‘oops; just laughing at us.’

I was just being stupid and goofy, he was saying, ‘figured at least it was fun to talk to someone…’

I was doing the same exact thing,’ I told him.

And our paths crossed,’ he said.

Then your captivated blue eyes came up, and I had to send a message to you.’ I told him.

He laughed out, ‘ha-ha! I love it. And did you get a mouthful of wise ass crazy guy that night.’

And our path crossed and I do love it too.’ I informed him. ‘I thought you were so funny.’

“I am a confident guy and can be cocky but I’m more of a joker than anything. He said.

So bold and brazen,’ I told him.

Yes I can be very bold,’ he admitted.

I love it,’ I told him, ‘being bold… wish I could be.’

“I think some of it is because  I have to exercise so much courtesy that it feels good to be silly and let go…. I’m never cocky in a rude way… I absolutely hate disrespect… so I never go there. He told me. As a professional everything is so calculated… it felt nice to be that guy that night.

So I told him; ‘I didn’t think you were rude; you should exercise it more, you are good at it… because you also funny. And I may be bashful but I do like boldness.’

Ha-ha! He laughed, thanks; Wakanita… I really like you. I am so tired and waited up just to connect… I needed to feel you. I’m so glad I did. We are a good team lover!

Okay I understand,’ I told him, we both need to get some sleep… yes we are [a good team]. So this is goodnight… can we do this again tomorrow… you think? I asked.

 I would love to! He said, it’s always up to you beautiful.’  Working till 2am again? He asked.

Great,’ I said. ‘Well sleep tight… yeah [to working late again]

And don’t get in trouble at work checking your phone silly,’ he told me. 

 I laughed out loud, LOL, I sent to him.

 Nita… can I asked you a personal question?

Shoot, I said to him.

he asks me a sexual question?

I burst out laughing so hard, ‘laughing… I told him.  “I think I will”

He laughed at me, ‘ha ha I know you are messed up.’ He told me. And now I know you are!

I said, ‘you are always messing me up; I can’t help it.’

And that was the truth; I stayed turn out just thinking about him, and while talking to him I can actually feel him right there with me…. So I get all tingling; wet; twitching and pulsating. My whole being becomes so alive just knowing him and knowing that he is feeling me the same way. He set me on fire ; he ignite my deepest desires and rose my passion to a  height I did not even know I could reach; never being in this place before; and it feels so, so good.

He went ahead and give a  little description of what i should picture him doing to me..

“Ok well, will you picture me between your legs looking up at you as you cum… me taking you in… pleasuring you… Tasting you… taking every drop of your cum… drinking your ecstasy.” 

Wow!’ he has me all shuddering with his erotic vision; I was so hot for him.

 And he continues, ‘I will find all your little places… all the things that drive you wild and crazy… and maybe some new ones and exploit them… till you cum for me Nita.”

‘With you my heart races… my pulses pump hard and my kitty meow..I confess.

My kitty was begging to be touched and I did oblige her and with just one touch I exploded with such a force; that I totally surprise myself; it’s been ages since I had experience that; wow!!! With just his vision, I couldn’t believe it.

He laughed at my comment and said, ‘Hahaha!!! Super cute! I like the kitty part…

Don’t know why I find it so easy to be honest with him? But normally I am not that bold especially when it comes to sex; that’s always my secret. But with him, I feel so comfortable telling him almost anything.

 Really? He gives out, ‘Nita!! [I think he was surprised at me doing that.}

 Aha ha’ I said. 

we played for a little  more and i did enjoyed our romp… this was my first experience with doing this and it really excites me…

Now I’m going to bed with a huge smile! And Nita… I’m going to cum real hard thinking about you….’ He then told me.

Then he turn it up, and  give me a vision so clear that I could actually visualize  every scenario the sets for me .. And I was really happy and I was smiling and laughing and loving him. I was having fun and man… was I ecstastic..

 Night night Allen’, we ended.

 I sit there just smiling and feeling so pleased and satisfied; thinking how does he make me feel so good and warm inside? How does he let my whole being come so alive; I was feeling him like I could touch him;  the desires he created is so intense; I cum so much I didn’t think I had any more in me but… I went back to our final conversation with all his erotic vision and I again could reach to a peak of ecstasy another three times. Most amazing thing….. During all this, I never even once think back to the fact that all his fantasies and vision was not intended or directed to me…  I claimed them all and I own them as mine; I went to a blissful sleep and a most erotic dream of us.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                

ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; PART 5

                                                     MY SWEET AllEN

                                                             SERENDIPITY       CHAPTER #2

                                                  

 

SO I WOKE UP FROM A DREAM OF HIM, STILL CONFUSED AND KNOW THAT I HAVE TO END THIS; I REALLY DON’T WANT TO, BUT IT’S NOT ME THAT HE LIKES OR WANT TO TALK TO. HE IS SUCH A GREAT GUY AND HE IS SO HOT LOOKING AND HE HAS THIS BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITY; SO AFTER CONTEMPLATING ALL DAY ABOUT IT I SENT HIM A TEXT TRYING TO SEVER THE CONNECTION BETWEEN US…. AND BEFORE IT GETS ANY FARTHER I NEED TO STOP THIS NOW… I FEEL MY EMOTIONS GETTING ALL TANGLED UP AND I AM CATCHING FEELINGS FOR A MAN I DON’T EVEN KNOW; AND I’M NOT EVEN AS MYSELF; I AM WAY OVER MY HEAD…..

“Hey you… I started to say, ‘I’m having a big emotional turmoil going on. I think I have made a complete fool of myself yesterday proving I am way too immature for you.  I want to be brave and daring but I do not know how to do it. When you invite me to go flying yesterday; just the thought of seeing you makes me shake all over. (Daft? right.) If you are for real…. The sweet, adorable and most perfect understanding guy I see… then I don’t want to lead you on…. Am I making any sense…do I sound silly or foolish…

That was my lame attempt to end us. I was trying to be Paige and at the same time trying to be sensible… if this is what you call my feeble attempt… 

 I did not end there though… I had to let him know exactly how I see him and feel about him… it’s so ridiculously funny. I just wanted him to know and realize how much he has affected me…

And so I told him, “My GOD… I do like you so much… you are a guy right out of my dreams. I imagine being with someone like you all the time… like a fairy tale romance…. And I got you right here right now and I don’t have courage or gumption to take the step towards you. What does that say about me?’

 I was being more than truthful there, that was how I was feeling but I just fail in severing anything with all that admission and declaration of my feelings. I don’t know… the truth is I did not want to give him up; not yet anyway.

 And he replied, ‘well that was a mouthful ..Ok so as you know I will not pressure you. So long as you want to talk… we will talk.   If you want more … we can have more. Ok pretty girl? If you would like me to delete you, I will. I would like more but I’m only half of us. I will respect any decision you make. (he sent me some photo shots of him flying) a few pictures of today’s flight.’ He told me.

I couldn’t  believe he would be so understanding and willing to give me what I want, I smile and think; is this guy real, I mean is he really genuine, is anybody out there in this world that thinks and feel like he does, the things he say,  how he puts or phrase it, it’s just credible. 

So I said in respond to him, ‘OMG ARE you FOR REAL?’ I think he kind of misunderstand my meaning a little; I guess it could also have a negative reaction.

but…I meant, “are you a real person?” I was just so taken aback that he would be so nice about it and without hesitancy, agree with my decision..

Because he reply, ‘ha ha! What?’

 Pictures of what I miss out on’, I commented on the photos. 

I would like to tell you that you totally own my thoughts today, he told me.

and then he drop that boom!!!…  I was having the effect on him as well… and I know I just couldn’t walk away… I felt this emotional rush run through me…

Tears came to my eyes, he was thinking of me too.

I feel like crying,’ I told him.

Why? It’s not that bad is it? He asked of me.

No, actually it all good, too good,’ I said to him.  ‘You make me so emotional.’

If only he could understand the struggle I’m going through, I know I should tell him, but my fear of him gone was bigger. 

 And he read my mind again and said, ‘so will it be easier for you if I delete you then? Is that what you would like me to do Wakanita?

I started to shake a little and my heart was pounding against my chest so hard, I was so fearful that I was going to lose him, my stomach was in a terrible knot… just the thought of him deleting me becomes unbearable.

 No no no, I quickly text him, ‘please don’t.

I had to breathe slowly to calm down, and I’m sitting there wondering; wtf is wrong with me. I don’t know this guy; I’m lying to him; I only talk to him for one day; why in god’s name I am so emotional about him. Why is my reaction so intense? I’m way too old for this….

He then try to explain to me my feelings, ‘emotional is a good thing in my book  baby… it means passion… how many times in your life do you think someone could make another person feel so much desire and confusion at once. It’s not a bad thing pretty girl … right.’

I kind of calm down  and started to laugh at me; I was a little embarrassed for me… it’s was a good thing he could not see or tell how I was behaving, because it was damn silly of me especially at my age; I should not be acting like this over no man,…. But I am/was. And his explanation was so logical to what I was experiencing. “Confusion and desire.” 

I told him,’ you are so optimistic…. It’s something I have to learn.”…. (Me playing off my silliness, blaming it on my young age; me trying to justify my silly behavior and thoughts.)… ‘I guess; it’s first for me (right) I continued, ‘so much to learn and know.’… {I was so full so full of it…}

After all that… I still continued with this game…

And of course he was right there to reassure me, ‘ well the only thing better than really living life huge is sharing it with someone who really matter and has a passion and desire to be with you and experience everything together… just my thought.’

I’m here thinking, how does he come up with all this? He is gooood; damn good. And I have nothing for him; I did not know what to say to him, I was at a lost. I was getting more and more impressed with his dialogue. And of course he thinks he is dealing with a naïve and inexperience young girl.

All I could muster up was, ‘you have so much to teach.”

and I am really getting a lesson….

Well… he said, ‘there is no need for big steps right? I already told you I am not going anywhere. So take your time sweet girl… take deep breaths… and just let things happens as they should. If you not comfortable just tell me and I will always respect that.’

I better start taking lessons,’ I said to him. I’m trying; I am.

Then he told me, ‘I wasn’t even the slightest put off or upset that you didn’t want to fly. You will if and when you are ready. I still was happy to offer though.’

You are so sweet and special,’ I told him. ‘I’m lost for words again,’ I admitted.

 And so are you, Nita,’ he said, ‘I can totally feel you are emotional. I promise to be gentle. If you get overwhelmed just don’t text me till you are comfortable. I will understand.’

But I always want to’, I told him.’ I have to fight myself not to.’

For example today I thought of you several times to say the least,’ he was telling me, ‘but was restrained in an effort to respect boundaries. Yesterday was a lot to take in… But it was all real… and very nice… ha-ha! Me too! It’s a good thing pretty girl!  He said in response to what I say.

I was a bit surprised and delighted to learn that he was feeling similar; I couldn’t believe he liked me/Paige this much. 

‘To say the least,’ I told him. You think,’ I responded to his ‘it’s a good thing.”

So take it at your pace,’ he said. ‘I will not rush you baby.’

You see I’m only brave enough now by texting,’ I inform him.

He did not know what was actually going on with me;  if he only knew who was behind these words; but somehow he could sense my strugggle and my doubts and reservation, I find that so incredible and absolutely amazing.

Then he said, ‘how about this… a proposal… out of respect, something to think about.’

Ok’ I said.

I will not text you first… if you would like to text me. I will always respond as soon as I am free… But I won’t initiate and pressure you. Do you think that’s a good idea? I want you comfortable… Every step of the way and I want you to have a door to exit if you want. In other words … you have explained where you are emotional. So I will respect your space either way.

Well considering I am put myself in this compromising situation, and I refuse to let go of  him, that a good solution for me if I control us and I can stop whenever I think I have had enough. That’s what I thought anyways. So I grab at it. I was totally selfish here.

I was only thinking of me and my emotions; I never once stop to think how this is going to affect him and what I am doing is totally wrong on so many levels… and here he is thinking of every way to make me happy… and at ease…

Sounds good to me,’ I told him. ‘But is that going to be ok with you? I asked.

It has to be, he told me, ‘out of respect for you. So yes.

I think I was cooking or john was asking me something because I said to him, ‘moms calling give me about ten minutes ok.’

He was still talking, ‘if I don’t hear from you I will assume you have made the best decision for yourself.’ 

Sure.’ He responded to me.

And I break communication. …

I took about ten minutes and I came back anxiously wanted to continue with our conversation.

‘I’m back’ I said. 

 I thought I am going to come off that part we were on because I did not want to think about him stopping conversing with me.[ It was all about me every time].

So now that we have dealt with all my insecurities and negativity.’ I said to him, ‘how was your day? What’s for dinner? Looking back on those pictures again… I did miss out on a good thing… Do you like flying? How does it make you feel?

I did not get a response, and I was thinking maybe, he  got caught up in his work, having dinner, or decided to stop talking to me because of all my nonsense. I waited, and I waited, and after 20 minutes I sent him a another text, 

“Oh oh!” I exclaimed.” Have I lost you? I asked. Anyways I’m here tonight but back to work tomorrow. So I probably won’t be able to talk to you until Monday… unless you’ll be up at 2-4am in the morning.”

Another two hours went by, still nothing from him, I was getting despondent and sad; thought he has decided to stop. Thought with all my reservation and hesitancy he thought best to leave me alone; a part of me was a little relieve, because he did for me what I need to do; but the other part did not want him to go. So as usual I can’t leave him alone, can’t let him go. So I set him another text.

“Knock knock; did you go to sleep? Sorry … but I miss you. 

 Still nothing for the next couple of hours, I thought that’s it. So I try to watch some TV and forget about him. Telling myself it’s all for the best. Then about 10pm he responded; and my whole world lit up.

Hey pretty girl,’ he text. 

I was so delighted I jump up grab my phone smiling; my heart racing in excitement.

No I got busy with some work,’ he told me. ‘I hope you are having a good night

‘Hey I’m having a goodnight now,’ I told him smiling. I thought you went to sleep because you were tired. So you have home work too?

Ok, you are so cute btw! I’ll answer your questions… he was saying, ‘flying is amazing… think about it only a hundred years ago it was a dream… fantasy to slip on the bonds of the earth… it’s fun, exciting beautiful… it’s a totally unique experience.’

 I was thinking ‘deep’… wow he is passionate about flying. But I was having trouble tying, don’t know why, but I couldn’t type fast enough, I keep making mistakes and deleting and starting over, he was tying much faster than I could answer , so I got lost with my responses. My hands were shaking a little with nerves. I was a having a little nervous reaction from being  so excited having him talking to me….

Ha-ha! No I’m just getting in bed now,’ he continued. ‘And you always make me smile! I am glad you are having a good night.”

He got out all that, and all I could say was, ‘you like flying?’

He just told me that so, passionately; what a stupid question to ask.

And he tries to answer my questions, ‘well not so much homework… I have to deal with some contract stuff for work… yeah same thing I guess so my phone was almost dead so I plugged it in and got some stuff out-of-the-way….

And with all this conversing he was doing I did not have one thing to add to it. In between all that the only thing I comment on was how I make him smile and it came way after he said everything so it was lost and out of place.

 I said, “you should see the smile you put on my face.’

Awwww!! He replied.

“Good” was all I said to him, I was talking about him taking care of all his work load and stuff

 I really sucks at this, I can’t converse no way no how,  verbally I can’t keep it going and I can’t text  either…it’s my first time texting this much… But he seems not to even notice or mind because he just kept on going, enjoying talking to me. Trying to answer any questions I have and commenting on my silly in puts. 

So I said, ‘if only I could me through your eyes.” I was thinking how he was enjoying talking to me… and that he must like me some… and I wonder.. how does he see me…?

So you work late at nights? He asked “and yes I love to fly… it’s a passion for sure… And I feel fortune to have such a luxury in my life, I also do little aerobatics flying… like you see at air show ya know?” then he comment on my silly interjection. “You should see you!!! Through me! It’s a really nice experience!

It always gives me a thrill to talk to you.’ I told him. I was smiling so huge..

He was talking I was just reading his text and was in awe of him, liking him more and more and not involving in conversing with him, just thinking how I wish I was Paige right now. So I could fully be able to receive him and his affections. I’m liking him way too much and again getting caught up in the situation where he is completely out of my reach. He is so excitable and full of life and fun, I would love to be a part of his world.

I bet,’ I commented on his seeing me through his eyes. ‘So you are a daredevil’. I asked referring to his aerobatics.

“Same here! I think I smile the entire time!” he exclaimed. Answering what I said about him giving me a thrill. ‘So with a little luck perhaps you won’t disappear’. He told me.

And I thought, no promises there because I have to, eventually; but until then….. You have me for now.

I don’t want to,’ I told him. ‘I am smiling right now.’

And he went on to answer my question, ‘well no, daredevil might be a bit strong but I love to fly and ride motorcycles, yes, I raced motorcycles for many years. Then I got into flying.’ Then he said, ‘perfect! I love that smile. I have looked at it many times without being too creepy. Ha-ha.’

OMG! I thought, he likes Paige’s picture way too much, but… on the other hand… I like him way too much.

How I wished I could send him my photos and have him liking my face instead of paige’s… but it’s much too late for that now…

I do like motor cycles,’ I told him. Then I added,’ LOL’.

We’ll see! Another thing we have in common.’ He said. ‘I have ridden my entire life since I was a little boy.”

So I informed him, ‘mind you… I’ve never been on one; but I would not mind trying.’ Even one time.’

Of course it’s all lie, motor cycles excites me, I have ridden on a few and gotten a few thrill from doing so. I love things like that, motorcycles; racing cars and anything for a thrill, just never got much opportunities to participate.

And he thought I was cute, because he laughed and said, ‘ha ha may be one day we can change that. You are so refreshing. I love how honest you and genuine you are.

Honest?? genuine???  I was feeling so low right about now… because I was not…

 Well, thank you”. I told him.

Then he said, ‘so you will be working for the next several days. If I am up late over the weekend I will keep my fingers crossed that maybe I will get a chat with you..

Hopefully.’ I said. ‘Don’t know if I will be able to get through a whole week without talking to you though.’

He said,’ well hopefully we won’t have to find out.

I agree.’ I told him. ; ‘you are so easy to talk to.’

All I know is after we talk, I can’t wait to talk to you again,’ he let me know. So are you! I like that we can talk so easy.

 My, my,’ I said. ‘It’s the same thing with me.

For an “antisocial” person you sure are an easy person to talk to.’ He informed me.

Antisocial only in person,’ I said to him.

About right here I was thinking, you are doing all the talking, while I struggle to keep up with you with my lame and shallow comment. Again I was glad he thought I was young because I have a valid excuse for all this.

I see,’ he said.

 By texting I am not,’ I said to him. ‘I think it was invented just for me.

Well I think everyone is a work in progress.’ He tries to validate me being “antisocial”. ‘We all have things we are trying to improve, right? So maybe one day you will be better in person.’ And then he laugh at my comment, ‘ha ha! I don’t think so Wendy.

I think so too, I told him. And I send a smiley face to him 🙂 

If you not improving you are either sitting still or going backward. Life is too short. He said.” Man I sound like a fortune cookie.”

Right again,’ I agreed. Then I told him, ‘the best I ever tasted.’ To the fortune cookie.

Oh my! He exclaimed, ‘you way too sweet.”

But I’m all for improvement; and I’m willing to learn how,’ I informed him.

So let me ask you a personal question…. He started, ‘It already come up once… you are a virgin. I understand. But do you make yourself come? And are you good at it?

I was like, whoaaa! 

Very personal question. I said.

Yes it is,’ he said. 

A bit embarrassing to admit.’ I told him

So now I know the answer.’ He said.

I laughed out loud. 

It’s yes to the first one anyway’, he said. Now the easy one; are you good at it?” I’m asking because I had some crazy dreams last night. I wondered if you had any nice thoughts or dreams too.’

well, all that lie about me being a virgin is not really stopping him from his sexual questons and suggestions..

And I was thinking, how can I phrase this so as not to sound too experience….  Then I said, ‘I have.’ [To his question about me having dreams or nice thoughts.]

Perfect! He said. ‘It’s passion. I love it. I thought you were passionate and that totally makes it true.’

And I was laughing and thinking… if only you know how much… 

My imagination is very wild.’ I told him.  [The truth for once}

even though I’m shying away from that sexual subject, it does causes a little stir in the true me…

I’m sure it is! Mine too.’ He told me. That comes with passion.’

I read a lot,’ I informed him.

I see.’ He simply said. ‘So you are a visual reader, some people just read others are in the story. That’s good to know.

So by now I am getting a little stir and getting all turn on by his conversation.

 So I told him, ‘my stomach is in knots”.

He finds it funny and laughed, ‘ha-ha!!! I’m sorry baby.’ I will be gentle I promised… no more questions tonight.’

But I know he was not sorry and I know he find it amusing and a thrill knows he affects me like that.

So I told him, ‘but it feels so good.” That’s fine; I don’t think I can handle much more. You are something else and I love it.’

But I will tell you this before I go to bed. He said, ‘if I were with you I would kiss you so deep… You would feel me… my passion. And I would slowly work my way down your long sexy body till I had a mouthful of you… {he went on with a little more details….} we can end on that because I know you are all messed up now he told me.

And I certainly was, I did not even remember that he was visualizing Paige; I was enjoying his description of his loving too much;  I was fully turned on. He is good at this…

Oh baby…. Baby… I said. ‘Laughing] yes I am’

‘Sorry,’ he said. The reason I want that…. Wakanita… do you know why I want that?

No tell me?’ I asked of him.

It’s as personal as you can get it’s much more intimate and selfless than sex.’ he stated. It’s me pleasing you and asking you for nothing in return. You can feel my intentions right? So it’s super personal and passionate.”

I was acting and actually behaving like it’s my first time having a guy talk to me like this.. the way I was reacting… you’d think I really was a virgin….

Again I was in awe of him; if he is this considerate and kind, he is too of a nice guy, and if he is for real. I’m gonna lose a really nice guy. Why can’t I ever command a guy like him? He is not mine to keep; and I mess up my chances with my deception… how can I undo the damage..??

So I said to him, ‘I sometimes wonder if you are for real.’

He laughed at my comment, ‘yes I’m for real I promise”. And one day if you work up the courage you will meet me. It’s all up to you pretty girl.

 It just seems so incredible,’ I told him. 

Then he said, off to bed for me. Super early morning. Several meeting before lunch. I hope you have a great night pretty girl…and sleep well!!! I hope to hear from you soon.

‘Ok my love…’ I said, ‘goodnight to you and thank you for a most exciting five minutes.’

He was saying, ‘and Nita… one last thing baby. think about us… about me…Ok? Good night beautiful girl.’  My pleasure I promise he answered to me.

I will and you can bet on it,’ I told him

Perfect!! He said. ‘You have me smiling as usual!

I’m thinking,’ I told him. ‘And I’m smiling too.

Night pretty girl” he left me with.

Night Allen,’ I replied. 

 And he was gone for the night leaving with my thought and a big smile on my face. I was still laughing at what he wrote and say, I turn off the lights watch a little TV all please with our conversation. To be honest I did not give much thought to my pretense; all I know is how much I had enjoyed him and how I could not wait to talk to him again. I was so excited for more of him. Nothing else was on my mind but how much I liked him. I kind of forget that I was playing Paige and I went to sleep to a dream full of him. How I like him so….

 

TO BE CONTINUED…..

 

 

 

ONLINE DATING:FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 3

 There goes my lies again, about the going to school; I am playing the part a little bit too well; I am digging my hole deeper and deeper. And Paige wanted to a doctor of some sort and she’s an A student; so it’s not all completely lies. 

So he text back, ‘actually you sound like a down to earth smart girl! I like it and at your age it’s all about education first… as it should be! And I love to cook too. I like anything where I can create… one of my passions is guitar. Been playing since I was about 10 years old. I love to read for the longest time and now I don’t read much. I guess it’s because I read quite a lot for work… idk. Anyway… it’s really nice to me “Wendy” your real name is different. Correct? Or were you playing with me at first.  So I have guitars everywhere… in my office I have on the wall of my bedroom too. And even at my hangar… it’s a release for me. Anyway… there is a little personal info for ya.  (Sent two photos of his guitars)

I thought oooh, my kind of guy; he is getting better by the minute. I do like guitars too…. Remembering I use to own one for a long time, although I did not learn how to play it too good.

 So I said, “oh wow!! Most amazing thing, I like guitars too. Back in elementary school I try the guitar in music class; I must admit my music is country… blame it on my aunt all about guitar.  So what is your favorite kind of food? Did I mention mom is Jamaican; she is Indian mix with Chinese. My real name is “Wakanita” means the lovely one. My mom maiden name is phoungpang

Ok so I went a little over board with the aunt and mom business. But I ‘m having fun with this sweet guy , I am liking him, and I want some more, I am not ready to stop just yet, he seems so very intriguing. And if I tell him or let him believe I am not Paige, he will disappear; and there is no harm in pretending a little. (no harm eh?? only a hour talking and I feel my self getting sucked in and my deception is only getting bigger and deeper… I’m so vulnerable and eagerly wanting more and I’m finding myself being swept away weaving a web of pure deception… and yet I refuse to confess my terrible deed…or let go and end this farce…)

So he responded, ‘What a beautiful name!! and I play all kinds of music…depends on my mood I guess… I like to sing and play it’s really relaxing. Ok so you are such a pretty combination of culture and aesthetic! And I love names that have a pretty meaning… ok my favorite food varies wildly on mood…I like a little of everything…if I had to pick one culture probably Italian…but I for real love tons of different foods…. And I love cooking creating new stuff…cooking can be such an art….

 Thanks for liking my name.. so you sing as well as playing . so fascinating; oh how I would love to hear you play and sing… I like Italian food too but my favorite is… wait I don’t think I have a favorite… maybe a nice juicy steak…..i don’t like Jamaican too much although I can cook it real good…and yes I like to search for recipes for a different ways of cooking [Symbol] maybe you can let me have some of yours so I can try them.

He said, ‘hmmm well I would love to taste some authentic  Jamaican’s…sure I love a great steak too……. You are super cute.

I asked him, ‘have you ever tried Jamaican food?’  Me? Super cute?

‘I don’t’ think I have,’ he answered, is it spicy?

Yeah, I told him.

Then he says,” yes your personality fits you; well I love spicy foods; I make a lemon and herb grill chicken that I put over a version of Cajun rice… it’s kind of spicy.”

I was there thinking, but this is not Paige, and she is far different from me, this is Wendy Wakanita. OMG!!! I’m getting in trouble, but I’m really enjoying this little conversation… I am…He seems to like everything I say and he is associating my personality to Paige’s face… ouch!!!  (I should just tell him.. but… omg!!! He’s going to be mad and disconnect me… I will tell him later… yes later)

 ‘Ooh sounds good,’ I told him.

So we will have to trade some recipes! That sounds fun’, he told me.

So I said to him, ‘well you will like curry chicken, stew beef ect.ect.   Yeah that sounds like fun.  I don’t like the same thing to eat everyday; you must be on lunch break to be able to talk to me this much?

He laughed, ‘haha actually I usually only work half a day mon-thurs. that’s about it unless I’m travelling;  if you stop texting I promise I’ll leave you alone… I kinda like getting to know you a little though.

Me… I’m home today so I’m trying to help mom with the cleanup… vacuuming, bathroom and so on… Not my favorite thing but…. It must be nice to have that luxury. Well as long as you are willing to play texting with me….. we are on.

(ooh my goodness, what am I saying and doing?)(

He said, ‘yeah I get it. Stuff has to get done. We all have it.

And I told him,’ and I want to know you or about you too; tell me…. A guy with your looks and charm must be taken.. Are you? Where do you travel to? Out of state or country? Give me one known building you did?

I was getting so very intrigued and fascinated by him. I like him, I thought. This is great. 

And he answered my question, ‘well I have been taken for a long time but it’s a sad story as to why I am lonely. I will spare you the details….. I for real am very outgoing and confident but usually share very little about my personal life… I haven’t the best luck, but I never dwell on it.

I thought, mmmm, sounds very married, but I don’t care right now, we are just texting buddies and I am going to respect his privacy and hopefully he won’t ask about mine. (that was a red flag for me to run and stop this…and I simply forget our first encounter, my first impression of him was totally dismissed. all I could see was… who he was portraying as now… and I like this side of him…)

That’s okay I understand I won’t asked again,’ I told him. ‘According to my aunt we always choose the wrong person to love. She knows, she‘s been married three times and still single. You seems like a great guy and humorous and I like that about you. And somehow from talking to you, it also looks like we have a lot in common…. So let’s continue on.

And we did…

And I meant every word, can’t believe that he has so much in common with me, he like everything I likes, how I wish I could tell him it’s not Paige that he’s talking to… but I don’t want to mess this up as yet, I’m liking him too much.

Ok, that sounds good! You totally just made me smile,’ he stated. “You seem super sweet and I am interested in more if you are. I will let you set the pace. (that statement only encourage more than anything else…I am in charge of this…Ha ha!!!)

‘How’s that?’ I asked. ‘Okay lover.’ I then said to him.

You just have a really relaxing way of communicating and I like it.’ He told me.

‘I’m glad.’ I said. (All smiles)

So he said, ‘so now I have a personal question…. I’m quite a bit older than you…. Does that bother you?

Oh boy… how do I answer this? I liked older men when I was younger

So I simply said, ‘no not at all.’

Then he continues, ‘you said 20s, I’m assuming early 20s.’

OMG I have to lie again…What am I getting myself into dear lord? [All these lies and deception is going to cost me big time].

So I said, ‘right.” And then I asked him, ‘does it bother you that I’m so much younger?’

Well here’s my deal… I live a very young lifestyle. I am a doer not a watcher… so I love downtime but can hang doing about anything. I’m in decent shape and I’m always doing something fun… so although many of my friends around my age I’m attracted to younger women because they can hang!  No it doesn’t bother me… I base my thought and opinion how you act…and how we connect not age.

So he liked them young: sucks for me… (that just blows the idea of telling the truth right through the window.)

 I did not know how to comment on that, so I did not.  All I say to him was, ‘My mom says I am so much like my aunt, her two first husbands were much older than her.’ 

It was the truth to a degree, and I want him to know I understand him liking Paige; and if she was old enough I would definitely  recommend him to her. But again I want him for me too; Ooh he seems so delicious. (I’m done for… my emotions are getting entangled.)

And he told me, ‘my dad was the same and my brother too… is it genetic? Ha-ha!! No idea… just a fact. Just depends where you are in life and how you live I guess… either way it’s not a problem for me.’

I started to say something. Then try to delete it but sent it by mistake, ‘ really now or maybe you,….. So I apologize, ‘sorry…. Well there is no problem then … we both agree.

 No problem at all, he said.

Good for me, I let him know.

He says, ‘me too.’

 I will share if you like and he sent me two photos of him; one with him playing the guitar and one with a girl and a guy with him. 

I like them and to me he is so damn gorgeous, I got a thrill from seeing him in those pictures; I was not even thinking of anything right there but how much I am enjoying  this cute and amazing guy so I have try to match his gifts; I didn’t even think of what I was about to do was going to cost me big time and the consequences of my action,…. My big deception, I really dive in the deep end; therefore sealing my fate.

So I sent him a few pictures of Paige; one by herself, one with Abraham and one with me.

You are so pretty, he said. Then he asks if he could send one without his shirt.

I told him to send it.

He sent two; and boy wasn’t I excited to see that beautiful sexy chest of his we all know I go crazy over a nice chest…  I’m thinking… ooooh lala!!!! Baby baby, I would, I could, and my mind went off wandering….. 

I said, ‘ooooh very sexy.’

That’s me For whatever its worth, he said to me.

Its worthy.’ I claimed.

I love your smile!!! He commented on my ( paige’s) pictures.  (i cringed a little.. but knowing I’m the one giving him that visual…

Thanks, says me. ……I was not too pleased that he liked Paige so much, but I started this so I have to deal with it…..

Are you a happy person in general? He asked. Your smile looks genuine.

I said to him, ‘I just like you.’ The truth of course. Then I answered his question, ‘yes I am happy and love to laugh.’

And I do… Paige not so much…. But I am always happy and smiling or laughing.

He then said to me. ‘You seem like a happy person. I like that… oh and the first picture… if you were trying to look super sexy… it worked!

I said, ‘I was and thanks.’…… good thing he couldn’t see my casual reaction or hear my tone. To be quite frank I was a little bit envious of Paige. I want him to like me and I wished right there that it was possible. I was tempted to tell him right there but somehow I fear he would stop talking to me and I wanted some more of him. How selfish and foolish of me. 

 Mmmm my pleasure! He said.

And so I told him, “you are hilariously delicious.”

 He laughed and said, ‘ha-ha that’s a first I can only hope you holdup my picture with one hand later[Symbol]Ha-ha!!! 

 I was laughing so hard because he just read my mind; I was already fantasizing about that beautiful chest;… oh boy oh boy. All but a dream because I am not Paige.

So I sent a picture o john and Ayden. And I said to him, ‘that my company,’ (I meant cousin)

So I corrected myself and told him, ‘that’s my cousin john and his baby, the Irish one.  I had to divert to something else.

Your company? He said.  Oh yeah ok; I remember you telling me about him; bad temper; I don’t forget.’

I said, yeah. And then I asked, ‘are you bad-tempered too?

He said, ‘well although the Irish seems to get a free pass on the temper thing…. I think that’s bullshit. I can have a bad temper, but it takes a ton to set me off…. I’m not an angry person.

 I sat there thinking, he keeps on gets better and better by the minute, wow!! My kind of guy. (i was so  intrigued by him… instead of me trying to figure a way out of my lies I’m here liking him more… I couldn’t see pass my nose…)

My aunt says it’s an Irish trait.’ I told him; and then I let him know it was good to know that he is not an angry person.

 He then went on to explain,” yeah I hear that a lot but it seems to me that most people have a bad temper it’s a matter of how you have to push them to get it out… I’m a guy…. If someone really wants a fight I won’t back down… but I don’t get pissed over stupid stuff.

I told him, ‘I like you…’    and I honestly did, if he was describing his self truthfully then I like him… he’s super perfect.

He said awwww!!!! I like you too.’  “I’m not sure if you are in over your head. Only you can decide that pretty girl. But I’m sure enjoying getting to know you.

I did not respond to that, I did not know exactly what to say……

I asked him, what month is your birthday? Mine is in February.’  (So is Paige’s)

He told me April, “Taurus ha ha! Explains a lot doesn’t it?

He then sends me two more pictures of his hangar; one with a guitar on the wall and other one, outside with a jeep.  Told you I had one at the hangar too[Symbol]

And I continued with our conversation, ‘ my other cousin that is in the second picture of me is Taurus he is the brother of the Irish and he’s definitely always happy. His father is Chinese.’ ‘Wow! You really like guitars.’ I said to him in respond to the pictures he sent.

All these lies and make believes; I was slowly heading for a big fall. Little did I know?

Then he said to me, ‘what a cool mix of relatives you have! And so thank you nice cousin for helping the irish out.’

It’s my auntie’s influence,’ I told him.

Well, it’s one of those things I can enjoy almost anywhere… and my hanger is a great place to play and sing… good reverb because it a big room with high ceilings and concrete floors you know? That’s a good thing! He responded to my comment.

So I said, ‘ I like that you enjoy life and make the most of it.’

Well I try! Thanks!, he stated, ‘maybe we will share a little piece of life. Who know? If not…. You are a pretty cool texting buddy so far.’

 So I told him, ‘ you have a passion and you live it every day. I want to create something like that for myself.’  You are just too nice,’ I said to him. 

And I meant it; I liked him more and more, I getting very impressed with him. He sounds so excitable and full of passion for everything he does.

Then he told me, ‘to me it’s how life should be, my family has seen terrible tragedy, I refuse not to live. You are super sweet baby.  So tell me what close friends and family call you and what should I call you. Please.’

 I told him, ‘wendy or wak.’

And do you have a preference?’ he asked.

Wendy, I say, ‘or maybe …. Some form of endearment… like  “pretty girl”.’ And I smiled. 

I was feeling quite pleased, talking to him, forgettingg a little that I am not being truthful, getting so caught up with over conversation, enjoying knowing him and feeling a little excited just talking to him.

Then he said, ‘if I were going your use your name I would use my own version… just because you are super sweet and it seems to fit…. ‘NITA’… it rolls off the tongue and sounds sweet anyone calls you that. Well pretty girl fits for sure!’

I was smiling very sweetly loving his nickname for me. I like it,’ I told him, ‘ to you I’ll be ‘NITA’. 

If he could have only seen the smile on my face?

Me too, it fits you to me… and I would like to use at least part of your real name because it’s so beautiful,’ he said.

 Oh thank you,’ I goes.

‘Sure pretty girl!! Just my 2 cents,’ he told me.

And I come back with, ‘you 2 cents worth a million dollars to me.”  I was so pleased I was smiling so widely.

‘Awwww!!! You are so sweet Nita!’ He claimed.

“you are the sweet one,’ I told him.

Then he told me, ‘I sure have enjoyed getting to know you today! It was nice! And I’m really glad we seem to get off to batter start!

We talked some more… and more we talked  the more I was caught up in my lies and deception… and every time I say I have to come clean he said something else  for me to be so glad he doesn’t know it’s me behind the texting… and i find myself so enthralled…and all I could think about is the next time we talked…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…….

 

ONLINE DATING: COUGARS

BEEN ONLINE TRYING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS, YOU COME ACROSS THESE VERY YOUNG GUYS WHO MIGHT BE WELL ENDOWED AND WAS BLESSED WITH A PROMISING GIFT… AND THINKING, THIS IS ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE ANY WOMAN HAPPY… SO, THEY TRY TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO FLIRT WITH THEM EVEN THOUGH YOU LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE OLDER AND HAVE NO INTEREST IN CONTINUING CONVERSATION..

“oh , I love older women.” their favorite line..Hahahahaha… you just have to laugh; You know it takes much than just that to feel a connection. I have tried being a cougar once in my life… it was an exhilarating feeling to be liked by a guy 20 years my junior… It does make one feel like they still got it.. whatever that might be….and no lie, I did enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship… and I thought I was old enough and experience enough to handle an affair with no emotional attachment.. after all …. I’m in control of my emotions and feelings.. haha… the laugh was on me..

I became attached…a little obsessed…slightly addicted… and it took me three years to finally end it when he choose to walk away…the only thing we have in common was sex.. and as old as I was.. I confused that to love…I was heart-broken, to say the least, but i got past it quickly… because I know that there couldn’t be anything other than what we had, between us… a lesson learned..

IF YOU PLAY WITH PUPPY  ….            ………….   .                                                                       .. PUPPY LICK YOUR MOUTH  

I never wanted to try playing that game again… experience teaches that you can’t control your heart or feelings when intimacy is involved.. so when I come across these youngsters trying so hard to convinced me of playing there little games of sex romp… I find it quite easy to dismiss them… I have been there…done that…

They think that they can learn how to connect and be a good lover virtually..I had a 22-year-old, hitting me up… wouldn’t stop until I had to block him.. Another one from Asia..26 year old virgin… after only one hour of talking to him, he’s totally in love… I tried to be nice and show him some compassion by not blocking him… and allowing him to summit his poetry of love and hurt…but he too becomes so overbearing and not showing any respect for my feelings and time difference… texting and even calling at nights… I had no choice but to block him too.

I try to entertain their conversations and not be overly rude but honest… but these young men think they have it made and they are full of knowledge and  cocky and egoisticacal thinking they know how to make you feel special… and then…. comes the”please” and the pathetic begging and the annoying texts.. and what about the ones who get so mad and throw a Issy fit if you don’t give him what he wants.. or don’t say what he want to hear.

So immature and inexperience… that is just too much baggage to handle…thank GOD for the block button… no guilt here…’ CLICK’…

You also have these obnoxious one who think if you see what they are packing you will ultimately  give in and reciprocate… And when you don’t…pppfffttt…. they lay on the guilt trip… you make them feel like a fool… and look like one too… “yess… mf .. you are…” You should have ask first…

ALL IN ALL THOUGH…

All these guys come on these app with one intention  in mind… and you left to wonder??? what about some clean conversations first, and who knows maybe it will lead up to exactly what you want… with a little tact and diplomatic conversations… I could be easily be drawn into it…I’m easy to bite the bait and run with it..and before I realize where I am… I get hooked and reel in..

I am not playing cougar though… I refuse to entertain anyone under the age of 35…The  consequences are just too high…

 

ONLINE DATING: Misconceptions.

I CAME ACROSS THIS ONE CONNECTION… HE STATE ON HIS POST,”Putting this out there and see who looks. We all have needs and by no means do I sleep around but…. Cute girls apply.”….

I thought it was funny so I placed a comment that I would like to put in my application… Even though I’m not cute… 

Of course he responded and I asked for what I’m applying for and the requirements and I would like to see if I have the credentials to qualify for the position..

He didn’t hesitate in letting me know that it’s to take care of him sexually…we continued talking and share a few pictures..
I always play along… humorously..because this is the expectation from these guys… and I have accepted this behavior without judgement.. because I know .. I do have the choice to ignore.. if I dont like..

Well.. after all that lingo and conversation we had.. him making it clear what he’s about.. he post this…”Is anyone serious on this App. Maybe and I say that loosely that I may have met one person that is real and not playing games.”
Now.. I’m here thinking, how very contraditing is this..
Was that a test he put me through.. hahahaha… if so.. I guess I failed.. I wasn’t expecting any decency.. from him.. and.. I am so glad I didn’t get too deep in with him… even though I dont know him personally and I had deleted him because I was not really serious, I was just playing along with him; I was not going to entertain his sexual behavior…

It just goes to show.. how sometimes.. not everyone is what you assume them to be…
so it’s best to be yourself other than trying to play the games of someone else…

So what could be a really good connection.. Maybe… If I didn’t try to be funny and thinking of playing his game…was messed up.. And lost..

Obviously…he left having the wrong impression of me.. The one I gave him… 

TO YOURSELF BE TRUE…