so I woke up feeling so refreshed…I was feeling good with myself and full of life: I had a night full of dreams of Allen; he has taken over my whole being; he was the only thing I was capable of thinking of…
As soon as I got up…I had to let him know exactly what I was feeling and how he was impacting my mood…So I wrote to him,
“Good morning to you my Allen…. Well after we stop talking, I went back to those final texts of yours… you knew I would have… and relive every word… I drifted off to sleep imagining you beside me and I swear could feel you, I close my eyes and went to a dream living every word you wrote… you are rocking my world Allen, with only your words. My night was filled with your passion. You have awakened something in me I never knew existed and if I can feel this way by merely fantasizing and merely imagining ????… you are blowing my mind…. And everything that goes with it… as I texts my heart is going a mile an hour. I’m really messed up… but it light up my face with this silly smile and I’m so excited for more… much much more of you.”
I did not stop there, though ……
“you know … I wish I could find the right words to express exactly how you make me feel… like you do… you have such a great way of saying and explaining your feelings… you put words on paper like an artist that capture a scenery on canvas… all in all Allen… I’m loving us.. This… whatever it is… and talking about blowing up phone????… you can blow up mine anytime though.”
And then I asked him,” btw… I want you to find that song and really listen to it and think of me… it is about everything you have said to me… if I did not know better, I would think you wrote it… this is reason I thought of it … it mirrors every word you said to me… this would be the song I want to be playing while we make passionate and explosive love.’[I wanna take forever in your arms)
I didn’t know it, but I was fully blown in love, I did not want to think it; and right there right now all that matters was how I was feeling; I did not stop to think of the consequences of all my declaration of feelings and how I was leading on ‘MY SWEET Allen’. I was ecstatic and full of exhilaration; and I yearn for more… more of him, and that was all I could think of.
I did not hear from him until 3:30 that evening; I was getting ready to go to work, and was very happy and so thrilled to get that text,
“Well what amazing story to plug into!!! I thought for sure you would not text me till tonight. Man was I wrong, and my god, am I happy, I was! I’m glad you can feel me so perfectly through our words! I can feel you too beautiful. I love the way all this feels and it is having such a amazing and profound effect on my entire day! I’m happier than I’ve been in forever and anxiously waiting for more. This is a beautiful connection Nita… our hearts are in harmony. What a perfect gifts for the holidays!
And he continues to say, “I hope you are having a great day so far and I plan on staying up tonight so we can talk if you would like to. If this how good we feel in written words I can only imagine the emotional and physical connect waiting for us, if you choose to go further Wendy. So do me a favor pretty girl… smile! You wear it so well. I can’t wait to one day see that beautiful smile in person… I have a feeling I will be silly a lot just to get you laughing and smiling.”
I’m reading what he is saying .. I am smiling.. my heart is bursting with joy as I read his words of love…
…….and all of a sudden it hit me… all this joy and happiness I am feeling can’t be mine… and it was as if my light went out. And I was left thinking… I need to get out… but I choked up with just the thought of losing him. I did not know what to do or how to do it.
Anyway…’ he said, ‘now I’m blowing you up!! Ha-ha! Well I hope you have a nice day at work and you stay busy so it goes by fast.” Talk soon beautiful!!!
So I said to him, ‘getting ready as we speak…Profound is the word I was thinking this morning… I was amazed at this profound joy I have and get just thinking about you; I can’t believe you are feeling this way too. Anyways, gotta get to work, until tonight… have fun at the Christmas party and save the last dance for me.”
Awwww!!!’ he said, ‘you one every dance pretty girl! You seem to be all I can think about or want! Have a great night Wakanita! Talk later I hope.
I left for work a little apprehensive and perturbed; if he is reciprocating my emotions then I am doing him wrong; I know how strongly I was feeling; and obviously he is feeling with the same intensity…
I have to find a way to tell him or stop this. I was getting very upset wit the thought of not ever reading his loving words again…
I could not bear the thought but I know it has to be done; and he is such a sweet and wonderful guy; he does not deserve this. The tears were starting and on many occasion I had to brush them away. I was not having good a night at all…
I kept thinking of what he had said and how elated he sounded; he was feeling and having the same exact emotions I was; it was so amazing to me, In all my life and of all my affairs; husbands and all; I never felt this kind of superb connection before; and I love it…. And I need it… and I just can’t have it. It can’t be mine… because I am not Paige and I don’t look like Paige.
Regrets start to enter my mind… asking myself why did I start with this deception…
How did I get here… he has gotten so important to me and I have become so emotionally invested…
I had mixed feeling all day long one minute I was getting all excited and overly anxious to get home so I could talk to him and feel some more of this ecstatic emotions; next minute I was all agitated and frantic because I know I have to let him go. But until I come up with a plausible reason to back out, I’ll continue to enjoy him for as long as I can make it last.
(And this is where I’m messing up.. prolonging an affair that’s impossible to maintain… just so I can enjoy him.. while playing this horrific game of deception..)
So when I got home I anxiously wrote him excitingly; almost forgetting my struggle and agony; all I wanted and all I could think of… was just to feel connect to him, so I said…
“Hey lover!!! Are you up? Just got in from work: it was truly a long day waiting with anticipation to get home so we can talk. At one point I started to get overly anxious… boy you have me real good. So how was your evening? Did you enjoy the party?’
“I had to fight to stay focused and a few times I found myself drifting off thinking about you and all that you have said to me.”
I was not getting back any response so I figure my Allen has fallen asleep. I continued to tell him what was going through my mind,
“I particularly like what you said ..you are the happiest than you have been in forever, and that our hearts are in harmony. If you were close I would wrap my arms around you in the tightest hug I could and hold you as close as closely as I can.’
I told him.
I wanted him to know I was having the same euphoric feelings and how very delighted I was to know that he was right there with me; it is most terrific thing to know that you are loved the same way that you love. I have never experienced this; and it was so phenomenal.
Anyways I did not get a response so I try to watch a little TV but could not fully focus, so I try to sleep, of course I could not either; so at about 4:30 he sent me a text.
“Hey beautiful!! I just woke up and checked my phone… I fell asleep waiting for you, I really wanted to chat. Guess I am just way too tired… anyway… I want to tell you that I’ve had an amazing dreams tonight about us and the night isn’t over!!! So yeah… I can’t wait for more! And Wakanita …. I’d love any contact what so ever… I think when we touch it will validate our feelings and make things so real… so I want anything you want tonight…. I’m going back to sleep so I can be with you again. I hope you wake up, read this and smile! Knowing how much you are cared for and adored!”
My god!! I was smiling so widely and I was so touched by his feelings for me;
I’m smiling,” I said to him.
But he was still talking,
“I can’t tell you how much I love that you are losing focus and drifting to us… I’m totally doing the same thing… whether it’s us holding hands or kissing or making love… it’s just all good and all amazing thoughts of what might be… and that fills my mind with so much love and optimism….so Nita… thank you… thank you for making me feel so alive. Goodnight sweet girl. I hope you are sleeping perfect with sweet dreams”
When I read that last part… I felt a rush of emotional sensation; and tears come to my eyes. He is sensing my emotions again and it’s like he was telling me, exactly what I was feeling and thinking. He was echoing my every thoughts and desires. I could not believe how much in tune we were.
Perfect!!!’ He said to me, ‘go back to sleep beautiful; night sweetheart.’
I dozed off too. Night Allen, I told him, ‘but now I’m awake and full of excitement.’
And then he told me the most incredible thing; “WAKANITA… I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.”
Oh my’!! I exclaimed. ‘Really? I asked.
I couldn’t think for a moment; I did not quite expected him to drop that “L” bomb; but he did and it exploded and I was totally blown away… everything was running through my mind; my deception, my lies, my pretense, Paige pictures, me,; my god!!! What am I going to do about this? If there is any time to come clean it is now; but how? I have to think about it. I am going to hurt him real bad; and he is gonna hate me, might even kill me for doing this to him. He such a nice and sweet guy, he don’t deserve this. I was going berserk; I was freaking out.
I really didn’t know what to say next.. I just stood there… looking at my phone and reading his confession over and over… my mind whirling with mixed feelings.
TO BE CONTINUED…..