ONLINE DATING: FIRST EXPERIENCE; part 11

https://itun.es/us/Nqh1_?i=1070887985

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I JUST SAT THERE WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY EYES, MY HEART BREAKING; THINKING OF ALL TIMES I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TRUTH; AND WONDERING IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS CHANCE I HAD; TO KNOW HIM AND LOVE HIM LIKE I DID.. IF I HAD… WISHING I HAD THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY TO HIM TO CONVINCE HIM TO STAY… KNOWING IT’S TOO LATE ANYWAYS… I HAVE LOST HIM. HE MUST REALLY HATE ME NOW… FOR TAKING AWAY THAT PRETTY SMILE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL… AND WISHED WITH ALL MY HEART, AGAIN, THAT HE COULD LOVE ME… THAT I COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HIM AND BE A PART OF HIS MOST ENTICING WORLD… BUT HE IS GONE AND I’M LEFT HERE WITH MY MISERY AND A HEART FULL OF SO MUCH LOVE AND DEEP DESIRE FOR HIM.

AND I SIT THERE… MY MIND FLASHING BACK TO ALL HE HAS SAID TO ME… AND ALL THE PASSION AND LOVE WE FELT AND SHARE FOR AND WITH EACH OTHER; GOING OVER THE PAST WEEK AND A HALF… RELIVING EVERY PRECIOUS MOMENT WE SPENT. MISSING HIM… WANTING HIM…LOVING HIM AND LONGING FOR HIM.

An HOUR HAS PASS, I WAS TRYING TO  ACCEPT, AND COME WITH THE TERMS THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE HEARING FROM HIM… WHEN A TEXT CAME IN… I JUMPED SO HARD, NOT EXPECTING IT, AND I GOT ALL OVERLY EXCITED… MY HEART STARTED TO THUD BEATING WILDLY… AND WITH SHAKING HANDS, PICKED UP THE PHONE AND THERE HE WAS…

“Baby…” he said. “ I don’t care what she thinks… that isn’t right! I care what you think. You haven’t lost me… I’m pretty confused though.”

“What do you mean,” I asked, confused and perplexed..

(I was slightly smiling; very pleased with what he said about, I haven’t lost him..a little hopeful)

“Wendy we need t connect as us,” he told me.

“I want that too,” I answered.

“Do you shave your pussy?” He asked.

(what!!!!????)

I was a little disturbed by his question but I have him back, talking to me and I want him to stay.

So I told him, “yeah.”

“If not…now is the time,” he told me.

“Why?” I inquired.

“I want a mouthful of your pretty pussy… tell me what I got.” He asked.

I said to myself, oh man I am not, no way feeling sexual right now.

So I told him, “I’m really not too good at this.”

I was not… truthfully… and I was in no mood for it. But I thought, let me play along with him and entertain his desire… at least I will have him talking to me; and I need to keep him with me as long as I can…

“I’m horny… I need pussy… let’s cum please… tell me why it’s us… let me taste you.” He was saying. ‘Do you have big or small pussy lips? Do you like to have your pussy sucked on? He was asking.

I was wondering… how does he feels horny right now. I couldn’t feel anything; I was still shaken up and unsure and perturbed.

So I answered, “Small and yes.”

“Does your clit get big or stay small? He kept on asking. “Do you liked to get sucked till you come?

I again answered, “Small and yes.

I was a little annoyed at his questions but I did not want to tell him to stop this ..because I did not want him to stop talking to me; and I was afraid e would leave again… You see as long as he is here with me, the more relaxed and calmer I became and my hysterical emotions were slowly fading.

“After I take care of you and make you cum over and over… would you like to swallow my load? He asked of me.

So I thought, “Let’s see if I can try to do this.”

I did not like this right now… and I did not like his questions, and I’m wondering… why is he acting like this… is it because he now knows I’m no virgin, and he is able to be more open sexually… why?

… He said. “You have to… I will make you cum hard… over and over and over.”

“Here we go,” I said defeated. “Yes”

“And then I will suck your pussy and take all you can give me, and then… you will be on your knees and swallow my cum… every drop.” He was letting me know.

“I can’t keep up to you,” I told him. “Ok anything for my man.” I give in.

“That’s my girl!!! What a great answer! That is what I would have said. He exclaimed.

So I just play along just to keep him there with me.

“Tell me what you want and I will deliver.” I l told him.

“Whatever it takes to make my girl cum hard… that’s what I want!” He tells me. “Oh man! So you will do the same.”

So I said,” it’s your turn to get yours.”

“Tell me what it takes… to fuck your pussy up way hard!!! He asks. And I’m on it.

And I just try playing along.

“And I’m willing to be your freak tonight.” I let him know.

“I need my girl to swallow… that is important to me…” he informs me. Spread that pussy sexy girl. But f.y.i. I will need pictures moving forward.” he let me know.

I thought hell no way!!!!!…. I starting to feel really bad about this conversation  we were having and the direction it was going  and I started to  feel violated. But…

“OMG!!! I really don’t do pictures.” I told him.

“I have a big thick cock for you baby… but we have to share…

“Willing to,” I let him know.

“Pictures have to happen” he says. “Good girl!!! This will be fun.”

“No pictures please…” I pleaded.

“Nope… stop… pictures or no deal.” He says sounding upset…

So I asked, “What kind are you talking about?”

“Pussy all spread out… yup… that bad… for real though…why, be Kinda dirty…show me what’s mine baby… let’s play.” He kept on.

“Sorry no can do… I’m not into that.” I told him.

“Ok bye.” He said.

“Can’t it be visual like before?” I asked.

“We are done here… too much deception… I call the shots or it’s over… no more games.” He told me.

I realize that he is about to go again and I was starting to get all fearful all over, I want him to stay with me so I thought I need to try to give him what he wants.

“Ok tell me again what is it you want.” I ask him.

“I want a picture of your pussy up close… and your face… and your tits… “He informs me.

I tried calling him by phone, but he refuses; I was thinking if I could talk to him it would be much better because my texting sucks and I am not able to say what I would like to. And he is texting way too fast for me to keep up to him.

“I won’t answer… he said. We have to connect before we go any further … it’s all up to you.

I didn’t like his answer and I was starting to think he really hates me to be talking to me like this and making all these outrageous requests….

So I told him, “aaahh man… now you using me like a ‘ho’ “[whore]

I was feeling disrespected and feel like he really hates me to be treating me so foul. I was thinking he is trying to hurt me for hurting him; for taking away Paige and replacing her with the likes of me. I’m no substitute.

“No stop… let’s stop now then… we are done… it was cute… I was manipulated and now you want me to respect you…. It’s over.” He told me off. “Night.” He says.

So I told him, “all the sweet mess is gone, you are now cold and want to hurt me back for what I did to you… guess I deserve that.”

He says, “Nope… I want you to be vulnerable… but you will never be… but I was… bye.”

I know I have to let him go… it’s no use trying  and hoping… the damage has been done…. I felt his pain and I know how much he was hurting and I hate me as much as he did right now. I realize too late just how cruel I was for leading him on with all my false pretense and no matter what my excuses were, there is no justification for my actions. I have hurt him in a bad way and he genuinely loves the girl I was supposed to have been; and it can’t be undone. I mess up big time.

So I lamely told him, “I’m really sorry again… bye Allen, it was really a treat knowing you. Love you anyways… always..:

And then I thought I’d try to tango him using the camera. But again he refuses…

I thought he was gone again…  he has stop texting but again he surprises me with a response.

“You blew it Wendy… I’m sorry but that shit hurt… you are mean… I was open and honest.”

I started to cry again because I knew he was right and I did not know how to console him; did not know what to say to him; did not know if it would have even mattered anyway. I have cause pain to the sweetest and dearest man there is; and I was feeling his every pain I inflicted and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I know… but I hurt my feelings too…” I said so pathetically. “I just like your face so much.” I told him trying to explain my reason behind all my cruel deception, wanting him to understand.

“Ha-ha,” he laughed sarcastically. That is sweet but you mess my head all up.”

And I continue trying to explain and excuse my behavior, “and I know you would not want to talk to me… so I use Paige as bait. And I’m glad I did”

This seems to trigger off his anger again, because he said very angrily, “stop! I’m offering to fuck… and you know me… don’t you? He asked. “So take my cock and make me love you… or let me go…this is all I have. This is your mess… so fix it… it is your call.”

I did not know how to fix it and I refuse to go the way he is asking. I’m not going to lower my standard and let him think I am sleazy. It was important to me for him to think I am a nice girl and I won’t degrade myself…

So I told him, “I can’t be that cheap, I want what you were offering Paige…..

“Ok then, we are done here,” he let me know. “You can’t be as cheap as I have been for a while now. We have both hit our limit.” He told me still angry and bitter.

…“But I know I can’t have it or you.” I finished saying. “Story of my life.” I said sadly.

“I was in love… you could have saved that… you don’t know how… so we are done. Let it end.” He finally said.

He was right… I have to let it end…. I did not know how to save us; I did not know what I should say or could say; and I didn’t think we could be saved, because I still was thinking he’s never ever going to like me or be able to redirect his love to my face.

So I agreed with him to end it,” ok my sweet sweet Allen… I had it all ..and I wanted you  so so bad.. and I’m so happy with what we had.”

Then he tells me, “I’ll always love what we may have had… it was beautiful.”

Agreed.” I said.

He then tells me,” I hope you learned something…”

“I have.” I told him. “A valuable lesson.”

“It hurts me…” he said, “but I get it… my bad. So I don’t go beyond that first night anymore.”

Then he went a little crazy and said, “Give me pussy or fuck off … that is how it works now…”

(I kinda ignore that outburst because I didn’t know how to responded..)

So I told him, “You love Paige…. Not me… I know.”

“No I could never be in love with an underage girl… he told me. “That isn’t who I am. She is a kid… I don’t see kids as something attainable. Nope… nice try though.”

“I mean the picture of,’ I told him. “You did not know that she was so young.”

“I was in love with you… he let me know, “I never fell in love with her pictures.”

The word ‘was’ hit me like a log. He has stopped loving me.

So I ask him, “then why are you treating me like this. I’m not so bad you know.” {Me trying to convince him to like me.}

“I fell in love with the personality,” he was telling me. “So stop trying to play it. I fell in love with you.”

(this comment make me feel so good hearing saying that he loved me…)

It’s still me.” I try to assure him.

“And that fucks you up” he let me know. “And it should… all I need was a connection… you gave me that… now you want me to forgive you for playing with my heart?

“And you have the connection still…I’m trying to assure him. “I did not play with your heart… I truly love you… I may have tried to be Paige but it was me all the way.” Trying to convince him that I’m still the same girl he feel in love with.

He has stop texting and I realize he did not buy it.. he is gone; my heart sinks again and the tears return. I was so full of self pity wishing I could find the right words to save us.. I was back to sobbing again crying my heart out..

And I said, “Can’t believe how much I fucked up so bad. Oh, how I wish I could take it all back… but then again… I would never have experience the joys of you. Thank you for it all… you are still the best thing ever to me. And for all it’s worth it… I love you; love you so very much.

He was gone again and I sit there again just thinking about what he said about loving me and how much I wanted to believe him; thinking about his earlier request for a picture and all he said to me and how I was thinking and feeling and I wonder…. Was he testing me? Was he trying to see if I would have agreed to compromise my honor? Seeing that I used lie and deceits to be able to talk to him, what else would I do to hold on to him? How far was I willing to go?

I wanted so bad to make it right, for him to like me for me. But somehow, deep down I know he never will; I still was not fully convinced that it was not Paige picture he fell in love with. I still could see him visualizing Paige, wanting her, and I know I could never give him me because I am not so appealing. I’m here loving him and wanting him and knowing that he could never feel that way for me.

I know he is hurting too; I can feel and sense his sorrow from all he had said to me; he is angry and confused; it was just a few hours ago he was telling me how much he was he was so fortunate to have me in his life and just how much he loves me. And I wish I know how to make it right for him. Wish I knew….

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TO BE CONTINUED………